UNIVERSITY 
CALIFORNIA 
LOS  ANGELES 


EDITION  i 


Hi*    l/M'LE 


Tktis    etfinf>/>ni..    Ite    m:t    out    ..  for    MI/ 

grandfather  s  hvuse 


JOHN  D.  MORR 
AND  COMPA.T 


EDITION  DE  LUXE 


THE      WORKS     OF 

TOBIAS 


SMOLLET; 


VOLUME  ONE 


Roderick  Random 


PARTS  I  AND  II 


Philadelphia 

JOHN  D.  MORRIS 
AND  COMPANY 


DUMBARTON   EDITION  DE  LUXE 
Limited    to    One    Thousand    numbered    sets    of 
which  this  is 

No.  . 


Copyright,    1902.  by 
The  University  Press 


CONTENTS 

FAOK 

INTRODUCTION xv 

PREFACE xxix 

APOLOGUE xxxv 

CHAPTER   ONE 
Of  my  birth  and  parentage 1 

CHAPTER   TWO 

I  grow  up  —  Am  hated  by  my  relations  —  Sent  to 
school  —  Neglected  by  my  grandfather  —  Mal- 
treated by  my  master  —  Seasoned  to  adversity 
—  I  form  cabals  against  the  pedant  —  Am  de- 
barred access  to  my  grandfather  —  Hunted  by 
his  heir  —  I  demolish  the  teeth  of  his  tutor  8 


My  mother's  brother  arrives  —  Relieves  me  —  A 
description  of  him  —  He  goes  along  with  me  to 
the  house  of  my  grandfather  —  Is  encountered 
by  his  dogs  —  Defeats  them,  after  a  bloody  en- 
gagement —  Is  admitted  to  the  old  gentleman 
—  A  dialogue  between  them 15 


2227580 


CONTENTS 
CHAPTER   FOUR 

PAGE 

My  grandfather  makes  his  will  —  Our  second  visit 

—  He  dies —  His  will  is  read  in  presence  of  all 
his  living  descendants  —  The  disappointment  of 
my  female  cousins  —  My  uncle's  behaviour  .     .     23 

CHAPTER    FIVE 

The  schoolmaster  uses  me  barbarously  —  I  form  a 
project  of  revenge,  in  which  I  am  assisted  by 
my  uncle  —  I  leave  the  village  —  Am  settled  at 
an  university  by  his  generosity 29 

CHAPTER   SIX 

I  make  great  progress  in  my  studies  —  Am  caressed 
by  everybody  —  My  female  cousins  take  notice 
of  me  —  I  reject  their  invitation  —  They  are 
incensed,  and  conspire  against  me  —  I  am  left 
destitute  by  a  misfortune  that  befalls  my  uncle 

—  Gawky 's  treachery — My  revenge  .     .     .     .     37 

CHAPTER   SEVEN 

I  am  entertained  by  Mr.  Crabb  —  A  description  of 
him  —  I  acquire  the  art  of  surgery  —  Consult 
Crabb's  disposition  —  Become  necessary  to  him 

—  An  accident   happens  —  He  advises  me   to 
launch  out  into  the  world  —  Assists  me  with 
money  —  I  set  out  for  London 48 

[vi] 


CONTENTS 

CHAPTER   EIGHT 

PAGE 

I  arrive  at  Newcastle  —  Meet  with  my  old  school- 
fellow, Strap  —  We  determine  to  walk  together 
to  London  —  Set  out  on  our  journey  —  Put  up 
at  a  solitary  ale-house  —  Are  disturbed  by  a 
strange  adventure  in  the  night 59 

CHAPTER   NINE 

We  proceed  on  our  journey  —  Are  overtaken  by  an 
highwayman,  who  fires  at  Strap  —  Ls  prevented 
from  shooting  me  by  a  company  of  horsemen, 
who  ride  in  pursuit  of  him  —  Strap  is  put  to  bed 
at  an  inn  —  Adventures  at  that  inn  .  .  .  .  71 

CHAPTER   TEN 

The  highwayman  is  taken  —  We  are  detained  as 
evidence  against  him  —  Proceed  to  the  next 
village  —  He  escapes  —  We  arrive  at  another 
inn,  where  we  go  to  bed  —  In  the  night  we 
are  awaked  by  a  dreadful  adventure  —  Next 
night  we  lodge  at  the  house  of  a  schoolmaster 
—  Our  treatment  there  80 


CHAPTER   ELEVEN 

We  descry  the  waggon  —  Get  into  it  —  Arrive  at 
an  inn — Our  fellow-travellers  described  — A 
mistake  is  committed  by  Strap,  which  produces 
strange  things 90 

[vii] 


CONTENTS 

i, 

CHAPTER  TWELVE 

<  PAGE 

Captain  Weazel  challenges  Strap,  who  declines  the 
combat  —  An  affair  between  the  captain  and 
me  —  The  usurer  is  fain  to  give  Miss  Jenny 
five  guineas  for  a  release  —  We  are  in  danger 
of  losing  a  meal  —  The  behaviour  of  Weazel, 
Jenny,  and  Joey,  on  that  occasion  —  An  ac- 
count of  Captain  Weazel  and  his  lady  —  The 
courage  tried  —  Isaac's  mirth  at  the  captain's 
expense 102 

CHAPTER   THIRTEEN 

Strap  and  I  are  terrified  by  an  apparition  —  Strap's 
conjecture  —  The  mystery  explained  by  Joey 

—  We  arrive  at  London  —  Our  dress  and  ap- 
pearance described  —  We  are  insulted  in  the 
street  —  An  adventure  in  an  ale-house  —  We 
are  imposed  upon  by  a  waggish  footman  —  Set 
to   rights   by  a   tobacconist  —  Take   lodgings 

—  Dive   for  a  dinner  —  An  accident  at  our 
ordinary 115 

CHAPTER   FOURTEEN 

We  visit  Strap's  friend  —  A  description  of  him  — 
His  advice  —  We  go  to  Mr.  Cringer's  house  — 
Are  denied  admittance  —  An  accident  befalls 
Strap  —  His  behaviour  thereupon  —  An  extra- 
ordinary adventure  occurs,  in  the  course  of 

which  I  lose  all  my  money 127 

[viii] 


CONTENTS 


CHAPTER   FIFTEEN 

PAGE 

Strap  moralises  —  Presents  his  purse  to  me  —  We 
inform  our  landlord  of  my  misfortune  —  He 
unravels  the  mystery  —  I  present  myself  to 
Cringer  —  He  recommends  and  turns  me  over 
to  Mr.  Staytape  —  I  become  acquainted  with  a 
fellow-dependant,  who  explains  the  characters 
of  Cringer  and  Staytape  —  And  informs  me  of 
the  method  to  be  pursued  at  the  Navy  Office 
and  Surgeons'  Hall  —  Strap  is  employed  .  .  137 

CHAPTER   SIXTEEN 

My  new  acquaintance  breaks  an  appointment  —  I 
proceed  by  myself  to  the  Navy  Office  —  Ad- 
dress myself  to  a  person  there,  who  assists  me 
with  his  advice  —  Write  to  the  Board  —  They 
grant  me  a  letter  to  the  surgeons  at  the  Hall 
—  Am  informed  of  the  beau's  name  and  char- 
acter —  Find  him  —  He  makes  me  his  confi- 
dent in  an  amour  —  Desires  me  to  pawn  my 
linen,  for  his  occasions  —  I  recover  what  I  lent 
him  —  Some  curious  observations  of  Strap  on 
that  occasion  —  His  vanity 147 

CHAPTER    SEVENTEEN 

I  go  to  Surgeons'  Hall,  where  I  meet  with  Mr. 
Jackson  —  Am  examined  —  A  fierce  dispute 
arises  between  two  of  the  examiners  —  Jack- 
son disguises  himself  to  attract  respect  —  Is 
detected  —  In  hazard  of  being  sent  to  Bride- 


CONTENTS 

PAGE 

well  —  He  treats  us  at  a  tavern  —  Carries  us 
to  a  night  house  —  A  troublesome  adventure 
there  —  We  are  committed  to  the  Round 
House  —  Carried  before  a  justice  —  His  be- 
haviour   l6l 

CHAPTER    EIGHTEEN 

I  carry  my  qualification  to  the  Navy  Office  —  The 
nature  of  it  —  The  behaviour  of  the  secretary 
— -  Strap's  concern  for  my  absence  — -  A  battle 
between  him  and  a  blacksmith  —  The  trouble- 
some consequence  of  it  —  His  harangue  to  me 
—  His  friend  the  schoolmaster  recommends 
me  to  a  French  apothecary,  who  entertains  me 
as  a  journeyman 175 

CHAPTER   NINETEEN 

The  characters  of  Mr.  Lavement,  his  wife,  and 
daughter  —  Some  anecdotes  of  the  family  — 
The  mother  and  daughter  rivals  —  I  am  guilty 
of  a  mistake  that  gives  me  present  satisfaction, 
but  is  attended  with  troublesome  consequences  1 86 

CHAPTER    TWENTY 

I  am  assaulted  and  dangerously  wounded  —  Sus- 
pect O'Donnell,  and  am  confirmed  in  my 
opinion  —  Concert  a  scheme  of  revenge,  and 
put  it  in  execution  —  O'Donnell  robs  his  own 
servant,  and  disappears  —  I  make  my  addresses 
to  a  lady,  and  am  miraculously  delivered  from 
her  snare 198 

[*] 


CONTENTS 


CHAPTER   TWENTY-ONE 

PAGE 

Squire  Gawky  comes  to  lodge  with  my  master  — 
Is  involved  in  a  troublesome  affair,  out  of  which 
he  is  extricated  by  me  —  He  marries  my  mas- 
ter's daughter  —  They  conspire  against  me  — 
I  am  found  guilty  of  theft  —  Discharged  — 
Deserted  by  my  friends  —  I  hire  a  room  in 
St.  Giles's  —  Where,  by  accident,  I  find  the 
lady  to  whom  I  made  my  addresses  in  a  mis- 
erable condition  —  I  relieve  her 207 


IT  has  been  often  said,  and  as  often  denied,  that 
Roderick  Random,  at  once  Smollett's  first  novel 
and  first  widely  successful  literary  venture,  is 
autobiographical.  Because  the  statement  con- 
tinues to  be  made,  it  is  worth  while  to  point  out  once 
more  that  Roderick  Random  is  so  only  to  a  limited 
extent.  The  fact  that  it  is  written  in  the  first  person 
counts  of  course  for  nothing ;  such  a  method  of  telling 
a  story  is  only  a  literary  device  common  in  the  type 
of  novel  to  which  Roderick  Random  belongs.  The 
fact,  however,  that  several  events  of  Smollett's  own 
life  correspond  with  events  in  Random's  is  not  to  be 
overlooked.  The  author,  like  his  hero,  was  a  Scotch- 
man dependent  on  the  bounty  of  his  grandfather, 
an  old  gentleman  of  considerable  consequence.  The 
author,  too,  like  his  hero,  studied  medicine,  and 
when  still  a  youth  under  twenty  went  up  to  London 
to  make  his  way  in  the  world,  like  many  of  his 
countrymen,  with  little  money  but  much  confidence. 
Each  in  pursuit  of  his  profession  shipped  on  a  man- 
of-war  which  took  part  in  the  mismanaged  expedi- 


INTRODUCTION 

tion  of  the  English  against  Carthagena  on  the  Span- 
ish Main  in  the  spring  of  1741.  Each  on  his  return 
to  England  married  a  charming  young  lady  and 
set  up  as  a  fine  gentleman.  It  would  not  be  sur- 
prising if  Roderick  Random  after  marriage  was,  like 
Dr.  Tobias  Smollett,  inclined  to  live  extravagantly. 
It  would,  on  the  other  hand,  be  strange  if  Smollett 
himself  had  not  seen  on  shipboard  something  of  the 
horrid  inhumanity  which  he  makes  Random  so  graph- 
ically describe.  It  would  be  strange,  too,  if  in  his 
wandering,  full-blooded  young  bachelorhood,  he  had 
not  met  with  some  of  the  wild  experiences  of  his  hero. 
Here,  however,  the  resemblance  ends.  The  author's 
grandfather,  Sir  James  Smollett,  unlike  the  hero's, 
was  rather  a  benevolent  old  gentleman  to  whom  his 
family  always  showed  respect  and  some  affection.  It 
was  Smollett's  father  who  died  in  the  son's  infancy ; 
it  was  Random's  mother.  Smollett  met  his  wife  in 
Jamaica ;  Random  met  his  after  returning  to  Eng- 
land. Smollett  early  made  a  name  for  himself  as 
an  author;  Random  did  not.  Finally,  any  one  who 
takes  the  trouble  to  count  the  incidents  in  Roderick 
Random  which  are  without  parallel  in  Smollett's  own 
life,  will  see  that  they  far  outnumber  those  which  are 
paralleled.  The  most  to  be  said  is  that  Smollett's 
first  hero,  though  in  no  sense  a  portrait  of  the 
author,  bears  some  resemblance  to  him. 

In  order  to  do  critical  justice  to  Roderick  Random 
[xvi] 


INTRODUCTION 

to-day,  it  is  necessary  to  understand  what  Smollett 
had  before  him  as  models  when  he  was  composing 
this,  his  first  novel,  which  he  gave  to  the  public  in 
January,  1748.  At  that  time,  the  most  important 
works  of  English  prose  fiction  which  could  serve 
him  were  the  realistic  tales  of  Defoe,  that,  with  all 
their  vividness,  are  faulty  in  construction  and  charac- 
ter-drawing, and  Richardson's  Pamela  and  Fielding's 
Joseph  Andrews,  Pamela,  far  more  conspicuous  for 
the  faults  of  Richardson  than  for  the  excellence 
which  he  displayed  in  his  masterpiece,  Clarissa,  is 
a  crude  story  whose  calculating  morality  makes  a 
reader  at  last  lose  much  of  his  sympathy  for  the 
priggish,  persecuted  heroine.  Crude,  too,  in  some 
ways,  is  Fielding's  parody  of  Pamela,  Joseph  Andrews. 
Though  the  book  is  full  of  Fielding's  vitality,  though 
here  for  the  first  time  English  prose  narrative  is 
packed  with  characters  of  whom  every  one  is  a  breath- 
ing human  being,  the  book  seems  a  little  experimen- 
tal ;  it  is  a  sort  of  tentative  holiday  trip  into  a  new 
realm  of  art.  Even  if  Fielding  was  thirty-four  when 
he  wrote  it,  Joseph  Andrews  often  seems  more  the 
boyish  prank  of  a  genius  than  a  mature  work.  The 
author  does  not  appear  sure  of  himself.  Not  so  with 
Roderick  Random,  though  Smollett  when  he  wrote 
this  was  not  twenty-seven.  In  spite  of  its  defects, 
which  criticism  of  our  time  cannot  overlook,  the 
book,  more  than  any  of  its  predecessors,  is  a  finished 
[xvii] 


INTRODUCTION 

novel.  Not  only  are  you  pleased  with  its  easy  style, 
but  you  feel  that  its  author  has  done  what  he  wanted 
to  do ;  and  most  rational  people  will  agree  that  the 
greater  part  of  it  was  worth  doing. 

It  does  not  follow  that  Roderick  Random  as  a 
work  of  art  is  almost  without  faults ;  far  from  it : 
but  the  faults  are  mostly  those  of  the  literary  type 
to  which  it  belongs,  —  the  so-called  picaresque  novel. 
This  peculiar  kind  of  fiction,  which  came  into  exist- 
ence in  Spain  in  the  sixteenth  century,  differed 
from  the  old  romances  of  chivalry  not  so  much  in 
form  as  in  substance.  In  both,  adventure  succeeded 
adventure  till  the  author  apparently  got  tired  of 
further  additions,  and  summarily  brought  the  hero 
to  his  destined  end.  The  romances  of  chivalry, 
however,  dealt  with  the  fortunes  of  knights  and 
ladies,  of  princes  and  princesses;  the  picaresque 
novels  dealt  with  those  of  humble  and  frequently 
vicious  characters,  and  so  they  gave  an  entirely  new 
kind  of  reading  to  the  world.  It  was  apparently 
what  much  of  the  world  desired.  Not  only  were 
the  Spanish  stories  of  clever  roguery  translated  into 
English ;  they  were  also  imitated  in  that  tongue  by 
several  authors,  —  notably  by  Defoe  in  the  years  of 
Smollett's  boyhood.  Besides  these  Spanish  and  Eng- 
lish tales,  Smollett  had  as  a  literary  model  Le  Sage's 
Gil  Bias.  A  translation  of  this  from  Smollett's  pen 
Appeared  in  1749,  and  in  the  preface  to  Roderick 
[  xviii  ] 


INTRODUCTION 

Random  he  acknowledges  his  indebtedness  to  this 
French  writer,  whose  death  had  occurred  only  two 
months  before,  in  November,  1747.  No  author,  says 
Smollett, has  practised  more  successfully  the  method  of 
Cervantes  of  making  romance  "  assume  the  sock,  and 
point  out  the  follies  of  ordinary  life,"  than  Le  Sage, 
"  who,  in  the  adventures  of  Gil  Bias,  has  described  the 
knavery  and  foibles  of  life  with  infinite  humour  and 
sagacity.  The  following  sheets  I  have  modelled  on  his 
plan,  taking  the  liberty,  however,  to  differ  from  him  in 
the  execution, .  .  ."  There  can  be  no  question,  then, 
of  Smollett's  indebtedness  to  Le  Sage,  who  was  him- 
self greatly  indebted  to  the  Spanish  picaresque  stories. 
In  view  of  this  debt,  it  would  be  strange  if  Rod- 
erick Random  were  a  firmly  constructed  novel.  It 
rambles  on,  as  we  might  expect,  through  a  series  of 
adventures  which  frequently  show  no  better  reason 
for  being  strung  together  than  their  befalling  the 
same  hero.  Moreover,  as  in  the  earlier  picaresque 
novels,  no  particular  reason  is  apparent  for  terminat- 
ing these  adventures  other  than  that  the  author, 
weary  of  his  story,  felt  it  high  time  that  his  graceless 
hero  was  settled,  which  in  this  case  means  married. 
Accordingly  "  Rory  "  Random,  who  has  done  nothing 
to  merit  such  fortune,  finds  a  long-lost  father,  pos- 
sessed, happily,  of  riches  enough  to  warrant  his  son's 
marriage  with  the  lovely  Narcissa,  Nothing  could  be 
undeserved  than  such  a  reward,  nothing  more 
[xix] 


INTRODUCTION 

unexpected  than  the  way  it  came  about.  For  bilking 
his  tailor,  the  hero,  who  had  been  living  as  a  sharper 
and  heiress-hunter,  was  thrown  into  prison.  Thence, 
when  Random  was  plunged  into  a  fit  of  unmanly 
dejection,  it  happened  that  his  uncle  released  him  in 
order  to  take  him  on  a  voyage  to  South  America. 
In  that  remote  part  of  the  world,  the  young  man 
made  the  lucky  discovery  of  his  father  already  men- 
tioned. And  so  it  is  altogether  by  force  of  circum- 
stances that  he  settles  at  last,  and  not  at  all  through 
the  growth  of  his  character.  Roderick  Random  is  a 
novel  with  the  least  possible  amount  of  structure. 

This  discussion  brings  us  to  another  fault  of 
Smollett's  —  the  evident  complacency  with  which 
he  regards  his  knavish  hero ;  and  here  again  the 
author's  models  are  to  blame  as  well  as  he  himself. 
"  Rory "  has  wit,  good  looks,  courage,  and  some 
fine  feeling,  but  not  enough  to  excuse  his  rascality ; 
nor  does  one  have  to  be  a  strait-laced  moralist  to 
feel  so.  It  is  not  merely  that  Random,  like  many 
young  men  whose  experience  makes  them  none  the 
less  useful  and  honourable  members  of  society,  goes 
through  the  mill  of  dissipation  to  which  his  natural 
appetites  lead  him.  For  such  shortcomings  sanely 
charitable  people  will  excuse  him.  The  fatal  fault 
with  this  hero  is  that  in  his  coldest,  soberest  moments 
he  has  a  dull  sense  of  honour.  Even  when  he  is  deeply 
in  love  with  his  Narcissa,  instead  of  determining  like 


INTRODUCTION 

a  man  to  leave  nothing  undone  till  he  wins  her,  he 
becomes  discouraged  by  the  apparent  hopelessness 
of  such  an  achievement,  and  tries,  but  luckily  with- 
out success,  to  sell  himself  as  a  husband  to  some 
none-too-attractive  heiress.  Besides,  he  is  always  far 
too  ready  to  resort  to  tricks  of  questionable  honesty 
or  to  live  on  the  earnings  of  his  devoted  and  rather 
scantily  rewarded  follower,  Strap.  There  are  rakes 
who,  one  feels  certain,  will  settle  down  into  good 
husbands,  but  Roderick  Random  is  not  of  these. 

Far  more  excusable  than  the  faultiness  of  the  hero 
is  the  coarseness  of  Roderick  Random,  though  it  is 
doubtful  if  the  latter  does  not  offend  as  many  readers 
to-day  as  the  former.  An  author  can  make  his  hero 
what  he  pleases ;  he  has  to  take  contemporary  society 
as  he  finds  it.  If  in  that  society  there  is  much  which 
is  unlovely,  the  author  must  either  reproduce  it,  or 
give  incomplete  pictures  of  his  times.  The  charge 
that  he  errs  in  this  respect  cannot  be  brought  against 
Smollett ;  he  leaves  none  of  his  pictures  incomplete 
through  over-refinement.  Some  novelists  have  found 
the  happy  medium  which,  without  Smollett's  utter 
frankness,  yet  gives  a  reader  the  impression  that  he 
is  looking  on  the  whole  of  life.  It  is  a  question 
whether  Smollett  could  have  arrived  at  this  desir- 
able mean.  If  he  could,  he  would  have  done  better 
to  temper  his  realism ;  if  not,  better  his  unadorned 
truth  than  misrepresentation.  People  who  are  not 
_  [xxi] 


unreasonably  squeamish   like  to   read  of  the  world 
not  as   it  might   be,   but  as  it  is;  and  so,  on  the 
whole,  they  will  be  glad  of  Smollett's  accuracy  in 
describing  life  of  the   earlier    Georgian    days.      In 
these,  one   effect  of  the   Hanoverian   succession   is 
plainly  visible  —  the  tendency  of  society  to  become 
coarser  than  it  had  been  in  the  two  preceding  reigns. 
The  refining  influence  of  a  queen  regnant  had  given 
place  to  the  vulgarizing  influence  of  royal  concubines 
imported  from  Germany.     The  enthusiasm   roused 
by  the  Revolution  of  1688   had  died   out.     Ideal- 
ism never  held  less  sway  in  the  nation.     Accord- 
ingly, as  we  see  Smollett's  England  not  only  in  his 
own  pages,  but  in  those  of  contemporary  writers  and 
in  the  pictures  of  Hogarth,  we  feel  that  his  age  was 
the  most  brutal  of  the  whole  eighteenth  century, 
which  in  the  days  of  Good  Queen  Anne  or  even  of 
George  III.  and  Queen  Charlotte  was  not  too  refined. 
It  is  not  surprising,  therefore,  that  the  moral  ideals 
of  Roderick  Random  are  low,  that  coarseness  continu- 
ally appears  both  in  action  and  in  speech.     Immo- 
rality  and    coarseness,   however,   it   must  never  be 
supposed,  are  ubiquitous  in  the  novel.     They  exist 
there,  as  in  the  actual  world,  along  with  much  that 
is  fine  —  along  with  the  dog-like  fidelity  of  Strap, 
the  manly  honesty  of  Bowling,  the  kindly  discretion 
of  Mrs.  Sagely,  and  the  virtue  of  Narcissa.     If  our 
contemporary  novelists   were  as  realistic   as    their 
[  xxii  ] 


INTRODUCTION 

eighteenth-century  predecessors,  some  of  their  pages 

—  though  by  no  means  so  many,  for  refinement  is  far 
greater  than  it  was  one  hundred  and  fifty  years  back 

—  would  be  as  unsavoury  as  any  of  Smollett's. 

It  is  evident  now  that  one  of  the  merits  of  Roder- 
ick Random  is  its  realism  —  a  realism  which  is  many- 
sided.  Not  only  are  the  roadside  inns  real,  and  the 
wanderings  along  the  highways,  and  the  stage- 
coaches ;  so,  too,  are  the  gaming-rooms  and  theatres 
and  prisons  of  London ;  and  so,  too,  is  the  life  on 
shipboard,  though  it  is  to  be  hoped  that  the  scenes 
which  treat  of  this,  like  some  others,  are  exaggerated. 
Finally  in  the  account  of  the  Carthagena  expedition, 
there  is  the  grim,  red  realism  of  war.  No  painter 
could  put  on  canvas  a  naval  battle  which  one  could 
see  more  distinctly  than  that  described  in  the  thirty- 
second  chapter  of  Roderick  Random.  On  deck  is 
the  "  infernal  scene  of  slaughter,  fire,  smoke,  and 
uproar,"  and  below  in  the  cockpit,  in  all  the  fright- 
ful din  produced  by  the  Spanish  and  the  English 
guns,  the  hero  works  at  his  post,  his  shirt-sleeves 
tucked  up  to  his  arm-pits  and  his  hands  dyed  in 
blood,  while  wounded  men  —  and  occasionally  by 
mistake  dead  men  —  are  ceaselessly  brought  below, 
whose  arms  and  legs  the  fear-crazed  and  rum-crazed 
head-surgeon  hews  off  regardlessly ;  and  the  simi- 
larly-crazed chaplain,  the  while,  with  outrageous 
cries,  strips  himself  to  the  skin,  and  besmearing 
[  xxiii  ] 


INTRODUCTION 

his  body  with  blood,  is  withheld  from  running  on 
deck  only  when  an  honest  seaman,  whose  left  hand 
has  just  been  shot  away,  knocks  the  wretch  down 
with  his  right  hand. 

But  Roderick  Random  is  more  than  a  succession  of 
intensely  vivid  scenes.  Except  for  Joseph  Andrews, 
no  book  of  the  century  had  contained  so  many  living 
characters.  Whether  you  like  the  hero  or  not,  you 
must  admit  that  he  is  flesh  and  blood.  So  is  the 
cowardly  but  devoted  Strap ;  so  is  honest  Morgan  ; 
so  is  the  callous,  clever  worldling,  Banter ;  so  is  Beau 
Jackson ;  so  is  Miss  Snapper ;  so,  to  a  less  extent,  is 
Miss  Williams ;  so  are  a  host  of  minor  characters ; 
and  so  above  all  is  the  hero's  uncle,  the  bluff  seaman 
of  profane,  not  to  say  obscene,  tongue,  but  of  true, 
kindly  heart  —  good  old  Tom  Bowling.  In  him, 
more  than  in  any  other  character  of  the  book, 
Smollett  shows  invention.  There  are  plenty  of 
famous  eccentric  sea-dogs  in  English  fiction  after 
Bowling,  but  no  one  of  equal  renown  before  him. 

That  Tom  Bowling  is  odd  in  the  extreme  suggests 
the  chief  fault  to  be  found  with  Smollett's  characters 
both  in  Roderick  Random  and  in  his  other  stories ; 
they  are  frequently  so  individual  as  to  cease  to  be  at 
the  same  time  human  types.  The  reproach  brought 
against  Dickens  —  whom  critics  have  agreed  in  call- 
ing the  nineteenth-century  Smollett  —  may  also  be 
brought  against  Smollett  himself:  his  people  are  too 


INTRODUCTION 

often  caricatures  rather  than  characters.  Even  so, 
they  are  immensely  diverting.  Smollett  had  a  stock 
of  fun  which  in  his  novels  seldom  if  ever  deserted 
him.  Captain  Weazel,  the  military  man  and  ex- 
valet,  with  the  giant  voice  and  diminutive  grass- 
hopper body,  may  be  an  almost  impossible  character, 
but  somehow  he  is  alive,  and  he  and  his  uproarious 
adventures  are  highly  amusing.  More  amusing  yet 
is  the  absent-minded  authoress,  whose  service  Random 
enters  at  a  low  ebb  of  his  fortunes  —  the  single  lady 
of  about  forty,  whose  reason  is  so  apt  to  desert  her 
that  when  she  hears  the  hunt  without,  she  imagines 
herself  a  hare,  and  sits  "  squat  on  her  hams  on  the 
floor,  in  the  manner  of  puss  when  she  listens  to  the 
outcries  of  her  pursuers.1'  Only  less  fantastic  is  this 
lady  in  her  saner  moments.  When  Random  first  saw 
her,  she  was  sitting  in  her  study  in  disordered,  un- 
neat  garb,  scratching  her  head  with  one  hand  and 
holding  the  stump  of  a  pen  in  the  other.  Her  speech, 
like  her  appearance,  was  eccentric,  for  on  recollecting 
that  her  new  servant  had  been  shipwrecked,  she  asked 
whether  he  came  on  shore  on  the  back  of  a  whale  or  a 
dolphin.  Hearing  that  he  swam  without  assistance, 
she  asked  if  he  had  ever  been  at  the  Hellespont,  and 
swum  from  Sestos  to  Abydos.  Then,  having  ordered 
a  new  suit  of  livery  for  him, "  she  spit  in  her  snuffbox, 
and  wiped  her  nose  with  her  cap,  which  lay  on  the 
table,  instead  of  a  handkerchief." 
[xxv] 


INTRODUCTION 

Ease  of  style  has  already  been  mentioned  as  among 
the  merits  of  Roderick  Random;  it  is  apparent  in 
reading  even  one  page.  Not  quite  so  apparent, 
but  nevertheless  very  often  present,  is  a  vein  of  sar- 
casm, sometimes  playfully  humorous,  again  angrily 
fierce.  It  is  fierce  in  the  description  of  the  Cartha- 
gena  affair,  on  which  occasion,  as  Smollett  says,  the 
English  commanders,  instead  of  making  a  swift 
attack,  gave  the  Spaniards  plenty  of  time  to  recover 
from  the  terror  occasioned  by  the  approach  of  the 
English  fleet,  scorning  in  their  generosity  "  to  take 
any  advantage  that  fortune  might  give  them  even 
over  an  enemy. "  Then  with  great  wisdom  the  same 
commanders  chose  a  camp  directly  under  the  walls  of 
the  enemy's  fortification,  "  with  a  view  of  accustom- 
ing the  soldiers  to  stand  fire,  who  were  not  as  yet 
much  used  to  discipline,  most  of  them  having  been 
taken  from  the  plough  tail  a  few  months  before." 
There  is  anger,  too,  but  tempered  by  the  pathos  of 
the  situation,  in  the  story  of  Melopoyn,  the  poet  who 
is  imprisoned  for  debt,  and  of  his  vain  efforts  to  get 
his  tragedy  presented.  Of  course  this  account  of  the 
faithlessness  and  carelessness  of  theatre-managers  and 
patrons  owes  much  of  its  acrimony  to  Smollett's  fail- 
ure to  introduce  his  own  Regicide,  the  poor  tragedy 
with  which,  as  a  yduth  of  eighteen,  he  hoped  to  win 
the  applause  of  literary  London. 

It  must  be  apparent  now  why,  in  spite  of  its 
[  xxvi  ] 


INTRODUCTION 

faults,  Roderick  Random  is  one  of  the  great  English 
novels.  Though  the  book  is  inorganic,  its  style  is 
easy  and  polished,  and  it  is  enlivened  by  delicious 
humour  and  keen  satire.  Of  Smollett,  as  of  Defoe, 
it  has  been  justly  said  that  much  of  his  work  is  clever 
reporting,  but  reporting  which  preserves  the  life  about 
him  for  all  time.  In  one  respect,  however,  Smollett's 
Roderick  Random  is  far  ahead  of  anything  of  his 
famous  predecessor.  Most  of  its  characters  are 
thoroughly  alive  —  sometimes,  to  be  sure,  eccentric 
to  the  point  of  unnaturalness,  but  even  so,  vivified 
and  amusing.  And  as  they  pass  back  and  forth, 
and  smile  and  scold,  and  vex  and  comfort  one  an- 
other, they  seem  above  all  things  a  marvellously 
human  set  of  individuals  —  the  more  marvellously 
so,  if  one  stops  to  reflect  that  Smollett  was  only 
twenty-six  when  he  created  them.  They  may  not 
be  people  with  whom  it  is  well  for  every  youthful 
reader  to  come  in  contact ;  we  might  like  them  better 
if  they  exchanged  some  of  their  rationalism  for  ideal- 
ism ;  but  even  taking  them  just  as  they  are,  we  find 
in  their  life,  with  all  its  roughness,  a  stimulating 
robustness  which  is  in  wholesome  contrast  to  the 
rather  morbid  and  effeminate  spirituality  of  some 
later  fiction. 


G.  H.  MAYNADIEB. 


[  zxvii  J 


THE    PREFACE 

OF  all  kinds  of  satire,  there  is  none  so  en- 
tertaining and  universally  improving,  as 
that  which  is  introduced,  as  it  were,  oc- 
casionally, in  the  course  of  an  interesting 
story,  which  brings  every  incident  home  to  life ;  and, 
by  representing  familiar  scenes  in  an  uncommon  and 
amusing  point  of  view,  invests   them  with  all    the 
graces  of  novelty,   while  nature  is  appealed  to   in 
every  particular. 

The  reader  gratifies  his  curiosity  in  pursuing  the 
adventures  of  a  person  in  whose  favour  he  is  pre- 
possessed ;  he  espouses  his  cause,  he  sympathises  with 
him  in  distress ;  his  indignation  is  heated  against  the 
authors  of  his  calamity ;  the  humane  passions  are  in- 
flamed ;  the  contrast  between  dejected  virtue  £nd 
insulting  vice  appears  with  greater  aggravation ; 
and  every  impression  having  a  double  force  on  the 
imagination,  the  memory  retains  the  circumstance, 
and  the  heart  improves  by  the  example.  The  atten- 
tion is  not  tired  with  a  bare  catalogue  of  characters, 
but  agreeably  diverted  with  all  the  variety  of  inven- 
[xxix] 


THE    PREFACE 

tion ;  and  the  vicissitudes  of  life  appear  in  their  pe- 
culiar circumstances,  opening  an  ample  field  for  wit 
and  humour. 

Romance,  no  doubt,  owes  its  origin  to  ignorance, 
vanity,  and  superstition.  In  the  dark  ages  of  the 
world,  when  a  man  had  rendered  himself  famous  for 
wisdom  or  valour,  his  family  and  adherents  availed 
themselves  of  his  superior  qualities,  magnified  his 
virtues,  and  represented  his  character  and  person  as 
sacred  and  supernatural.  The  vulgar  easily  swal- 
lowed the  bait,  implored  his  protection,  and  yielded 
the  tribute  of  homage  and  praise  even  to  adoration  ; 
his  exploits  were  handed  down  to  posterity  with  a 
thousand  exaggerations;  they  were  repeated  as  in- 
citements to  virtue ;  divine  honours  were  paid,  and 
altars  erected  to  his  memory,  for  the  encouragement 
of  those  who  attempted  to  imitate  his  example ;  and 
hence  arose  the  heathen  mythology,  which  is  no 
other  than  a  collection  of  extravagant  romances. 
As  learning  advanced,  and  genius  received  cultiva- 
tion, these  stories  were  embellished  with  the  graces 
of  poetry ;  that  they  might  the  better  recommend 
themselves  to  the  attention,  they  were  sung  in  pub- 
lic, at  festivals,  for  the  instruction  and  delight  of  the 
audience;  and  rehearsed  before  battle,  as  incentives 
to  deeds  of  glory.  Thus  tragedy  and  the  epic  muse 
were  born,  and,  in  the  progress  of  taste,  arrived 
at  perfection.  It  is  no  wonder  that  the  ancients 


THE    PREFACE 

could  not  relish  a  fable  in  prose,  after  they  had 
seen  so  many  remarkable  events  celebrated  in 
verse,  by  their  best  poets;  we,  therefore,  find  no 
romance  among  them,  during  the  era  of  their  excel- 
lence, unless  the  Cyropasdia  of  Xenophon  may  be 
so  called ;  and  it  was  not  till  arts  and  sciences  began 
to  revive,  after  the  irruption  of  the  Barbarians  into 
Europe,  that  anything  of  this  kind  appeared.  But 
when  the  minds  of  men  were  debauched,  by  the  im- 
position of  priestcraft,  to  the  most  absurd  pitch  of 
credulity,  the  authors  of  romance  arose,  and,  losing 
sight  of  probability,  filled  their  performances  with  the 
most  monstrous  hyperboles.  If  they  could  not  equal 
the  ancient  poets  in  point  of  genius,  they  were  re- 
solved to  excel  them  in  fiction,  and  apply  to  the 
wonder  rather  than  the  judgment  of  their  readers. 
Accordingly  they  brought  necromancy  to  their  aid, 
and  instead  of  supporting  the  character  of  their 
heroes  by  dignity  of  sentiment  and  practice,  dis- 
tinguished them  by  their  bodily  strength,  activity, 
and  extravagance  of  behaviour.  Although  nothing 
could  be  more  ludicrous  and  unnatural  than  the  fig- 
ures they  drew,  they  did  not  want  patrons  and  ad- 
mirers, and  the  world  actually  began  to  be  infected 
with  the  spirit  of  knight-errantry,  when  Cervantes, 
by  an  inimitable  piece  of  ridicule,  reformed  the  taste 
of  mankind,  representing  chivalry  in  the  right  point 
of  view,  and  converting  romance  to  purposes  far 
[  xxxi  ] 


THE    PREFACE 

more  useful  and  entertaining,  by  making  it  assume 
the  sock,  and  point  out  the  follies  of  ordinary 
life. 

The  same  method  has  been  practised  by  other 
Spanish  and  French  authors,  and  by  none  more 
successfully  than  by  Monsieur  Le  Sage,  who,  in  his 
Adventures  of  Gil  Bias.,  has  described  the  knavery 
and  foibles  of  life,  with  infinite  humour  and  sagacity. 
The  following  sheets  I  have  modelled  on  his  plan, 
taking  the  liberty,  however,  to  differ  from  him  in  the 
execution,  where  I  thought  his  particular  situations 
were  uncommon,  extravagant,  or  peculiar  to  the 
country  in  which  the  scene  is  laid.  The  disgraces 
of  Gil  Bias  are,  for  the  most  part,  such  as  rather 
excite  mirth  than  compassion  :  he  himself  laughs  at 
them  ;  and  his  transitions  from  distress  to  happiness, 
or  at  least  ease,  are  so  sudden,  that  neither  the  reader 
has  time  to  pity  him,  nor  himself  to  be  acquainted 
with  affliction.  This  conduct,  in  my  opinion,  not 
only  deviates  from  probability,  but  prevents  that 
generous  indignation  which  ought  to  animate  the 
reader  against  the  sordid  and  vicious  disposition  of 
the  world. 

I  have  attempted  to  represent  modest  merit  strug- 
gling with  every  difficulty  to  which  a  friendless  orphan 
is  exposed,  from  his  own  want  of  experience,  as  well 
as  from  the  selfishness,  envy,  malice,  and  base  indif- 
ference of  mankind.  To  secure  a  favourable  prepos- 
[  xxxii  ] 


THE    PREFACE 

session,  I  have  allowed  him  the  advantages  of  birth 
and  education,  which,  in  the  series  of  his  misfortunes, 
will,  I  hope,  engage  the  ingenuous  more  warmly  in 
his  behalf;  and  though  I  foresee  that  some  people 
will  be  offended  at  the  mean  scenes  in  which  he 
is  involved,  I  persuade  myself  the  judicious  will  not 
only  perceive  the  necessity  of  describing  those  situa- 
tions to  which  he  must  of  course  be  confined,  in  his 
low  state,  but  also  find  entertainment  in  viewing 
those  parts  of  life,  where  the  humours  and  passions 
are  undisguised  by  affectation,  ceremony,  or  edu- 
cation ;  and  the  whimsical  peculiarities  of  dispo- 
sition appear  as  nature  has  implanted  them.  But 
I  believe  I  need  not  trouble  myself  in  vindicating 
a  practice  authorised  by  the  best  writers  in  this  way, 
some  of  whom  I  have  already  named. 

Every  intelligent  reader  will,  at  first  sight,  per- 
ceive I  have  not  deviated  from  nature  in  the  facts, 
which  are  all  true  in  the  main,  although  the  circum- 
stances are  altered  and  disguised,  to  avoid  personal 
satire. 

It  now  remains  to  give  my  reasons  for  making  the 
chief  personage  of  this  work  a  North  Briton ;  which 
are  chiefly  these  :  I  could  at  a  small  expense  bestow 
on  him  such  education  as  I  thought  the  dignity  of 
his  birth  and  character  required,  which  could  not 
possibly  be  obtained  in  England,  by  such  slender 
means  as  the  nature  of  my  plan  would  afford.  In 
[  xxxiii  ] 


THE    PREFACE 

the  next  place,  I  could  represent  simplicity  of  man- 
ners in  a  remote  part  of  the  kingdom,  with  more 
propriety  than  in  any  other  place  near  the  capital ; 
and,  lastly,  the  disposition  of  the  Scots,  addicted  to 
travelling,  justifies  my  conduct  in  deriving  an  adven- 
turer from  that  country. 

That  the  delicate  reader  may  not  be  offended  at 
the  unmeaning  oaths  which  proceed  from  the  mouths 
of  some  persons  in  these  memoirs,  I  beg  leave  to 
premise,  that  I  imagined  nothing  could  more  effectu- 
ally expose  the  absurdity  of  such  miserable  expletives, 
than  a  natural  and  verbal  representation  of  the  dis- 
course in  which  they  occur. 


[   X  \  XI V  j 


APOLOGUE 

A  YOUNG   painter,    indulging  a    vein   of 
pleasantry,  sketched  a  kind  of  conversa- 
tion-piece, representing  a  bear,  an  owl, 
a  monkey,  and  an  ass ;  and  to  render  it 
more  striking,  humorous,  and  moral,  distinguished 
every  figure  by  some  emblem  of  human  life. 

Bruin  was  exhibited  in  the  garb  and  attitude  of  an 
old,  toothless,  drunken  soldier;  the  owl,  perched 
upon  the  handle  of  a  coffee-pot,  with  spectacles  on 
his  nose,  seemed  to  contemplate  a  newspaper ;  and 
the  ass,  ornamented  with  a  huge  tye-wig  (which, 
however,  could  not  conceal  his  long  ears),  sat  for  his 
picture  to  the  monkey,  who  appeared  with  the  im- 
plements of  painting.  This  whimsical  group  afforded 
some  mirth,  and  met  with  general  approbation,  until 
some  mischievous  wag  hinted  that  the  whole  was  a 
lampoon  upon  the  friends  of  the  performer;  an  in- 
sinuation which  was  no  sooner  circulated,  than  those 
very  people  who  applauded  it  before  began  to  be 
alarmed,  and  even  to  fancy  themselves  signified  by 
the  several  figures  of  the  piece. 
[xxxv] 


APOLOGUE 

Among  others,  a  worthy  personage  in  years,  who 
had  served  in  the  army  with  reputation,  being  in- 
censed at  the  supposed  outrage,  repaired  to  the  lodg- 
ings of  the  painter,  and,  finding  him  at  home,  **  Hark 
ye,  Mr.  Monkey,"  said  he,  **  I  have  a  good  mind  to 
convince  you,  that  though  the  bear  has  lost  his  teeth, 
he  retains  his  paws,  and  that  he  is  not  so  drunk  but 
he  can  perceive  your  impertinence — 'Sblood !  sir, 
that  toothless  jaw  is  a  d — ned  scandalous  libel  —  but 
don't  you  imagine  me  so  chopfallen  as  not  to  be  able 
to  chew  the  cud  of  resentment.'*  Here  he  was  inter- 
rupted by  the  arrival  of  a  learned  physician,  who, 
advancing  to  the  culprit  with  fury  in  his  aspect, 
exclaimed,  tt  Suppose  the  augmentation  of  the  ass's 
ears  should  prove  the  diminution  of  the  baboon's  — 
nay,  seek  not  to  prevaricate,  for  by  the  beard  of 
Esculapius !  there  is  not  one  hair  in  this  periwig  that 
will  not  stand  tip  in  judgment  to  convict  thee  of 
personal  abuse.  —  Do  but  observe,  captain,  how  this 
pitiful  little  fellow  has  copied  the  very  curls  —  the 
colour,  indeed,  n  different,  but  then  the  form  and 
foretop  are  quite  similar.'"  While  he  thus  remon- 
strated in  a  strain  of  vociferation,  a  venerable  senator 
entered,  and  waddling  up  to  the  delinquent,  "Jacka- 
napes ! "  cried  he,  "  I  will  now  let  thee  see  I  can  read 
something  else  than  a  newspaper,  and  that,  without 
the  help  of  spectacles  —  here  is  your  own  note  of  hand, 
sirrah,  for  money  which,  if  I  had  not  advanced,  you 

[ami] 


APOLOGUE 

yourself  would  have  resembled  an  owl,  in  not  daring 
to  show  jour  face  by  day,  you  ungrateful  slanderous 
knave!" 

In  vain  the  astonished  painter  declared  that  he  had 
no  intention  to  give  offence,  or  to  characterise  partic- 
ular persons :  they  affirmed  the  resemblance  was  too 
palpable  to  be  overlooked  ;  they  taxed  him  with  in- 
solence, malice,  and  ingratitude ;  and  their  clamours 
being  overheard  by  the  public,  the  captain  was  a 
bear,  the  doctor  an  ass,  and  the  senator  an  owl,  to 
his  dying  day. 

Christian  reader,  I  beseech  thee,  in  the  bowels  of 
the  Lord,  remember  this  example  while  thou  art  em- 
ployed in  the  perusal  of  the  following  sheets;  and 
seek  not  to  appropriate  to  thvself  that  which  equally 
belongs  to  five  hundred  different  people.  If  thou 
shouldst  meet  with  a  character  that  reflects  thee  in 
some  ungracious  particular,  keep  thy  own  counsel; 
consider  that  one  feature  makes  not  a  face,  and  that, 
though  thou  art,  perhaps,  distinguished  by  a  bottle 
nose,  twenty  of  thy  neighbours  may  be  in  the  same 
predicament. 


THE  ADVENTURES  of 
RODERICK   RANDOM 

CHAPTER    ONE 

OF    MY    BIRTH    AND    PARENTAGE. 

I   WAS  born  in  the  northern  part  of  this  united 
kingdom,  in  the  house  of  my  grandfather ;  a 
gentleman  of  considerable  fortune  and  influ- 
ence, who  had,  on  many  occasions,  signalised 
himself  in  behalf  of  his  country ;  and  was  remarkable 
for  his  abilities  in  the  law,  which  he  exercised  with 
great  success,  in  the  station  of  a  judge,  particularly 
against  beggars,  for  whom  he  had  a  singular  aversion. 
My  father,  his  youngest  son,  falling  in  love  with  a 
poor  relation,  who  lived  with  the  old  gentleman  in 
quality  of  housekeeper,  espoused  her  privately;  and 
I  was  the  first  fruit  of  that  marriage.     During  her 
pregnancy,  a  dream  discomposed  my  mother  so  much, 
that  her  husband,  tired  with  her  importunity,  at  last 
consulted  a  Highland  seer,  whose  favourable  inter- 
pre^ation  he  would  have  secured  beforehand  by  a 
bribe,  but  found  him  incorruptible.     She  dreamed 
she  was  delivered  of  a  tennis-ball,  which  the  devil 

VOL.  I.  —  1  [    1    ] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

(who,  to  her  great  surprise,  acted  the  part  of  mid- 
wife) struck  so  forcibly  with  a  racket,  that  it  disap- 
peared in  an  instant;  and  she  was  for  some  time 
inconsolable  for  the  loss  of  her  offspring ;  when  all 
of  a  sudden,  she  beheld  it  return  with  equal  violence, 
and  enter  the  earth  beneath  her  feet,  whence  immedi- 
ately sprung  up  a  goodly  tree  covered  with  blossoms, 
the  scent  of  which  operated  so  strongly  on  her  nerves, 
that  she  awoke.  The  attentive  sage,  after  some 
deliberation,  assured  my  parents,  that  their  firstborn 
would  be  a  great  traveller;  that  he  would  undergo 
many  dangers  and  difficulties,  and  at  last  return  to 
his  native  land,  where  he  would  flourish  in  happiness 
and  reputation.  How  truly  this  was  foretold,  will 
appear  in  the  sequel. 

It  was  not  long  before  some  officious  person  in- 
formed my  grandfather  of  certain  familiarities  that 
passed  between  his  son  and  housekeeper,  which 
alarmed  him  so  much,  that  a  few  days  after,  he  told 
my  father  it  was  high  time  for  him  to  think  of  set- 
tling ;  and  that  he  had  provided  a  match  for  him,  to 
which  he  could  in  justice  have  no  objections.  My 
father,  finding  it  would  be  impossible  to  conceal  his 
situation  much  longer,  frankly  owned  what  he  had 
done,  and  excused  himself  for  not  having  asked  the 
consent  of  his  father,  by  saying,  he  knew  it  would 
have  been  to  no  purpose ;  and  that,  had  his  inclina- 
tion been  known,  my  grandfather  might  have  taken 
[2] 


HIS    BIRTH    AND    PARENTAGE 

such  measures  as  would  have  effectually  put  the 
gratification  of  it  out  of  his  power.  He  added,  that 
no  exceptions  could  be  taken  to  his  wife's  virtue, 
birth,  beauty,  and  good  sense ;  and  as  for  fortune,  it 
was  beneath  his  care.  The  old  gentleman,  who  kept 
all  his  passions,  except  one,  in  excellent  order,  heard 
him  to  an  end  with  great  temper ;  and  then  calmly 
asked,  how  he  proposed  to  maintain  himself  and 
spouse  ?  He  replied,  he  could  be  in  no  danger 
of  wanting,  while  his  father's  tenderness  remained, 
which  he  and  his  wife  should  always  cultivate  with 
the  utmost  veneration ;  that  he  was  persuaded  his 
allowance  would  be  suitable  to  the  dignity  and  cir- 
cumstances of  his  family,  and  to  the  provision  already 
made  for  his  brothers  and  sisters,  who  were  happily 
settled  under  his  protection.  "Your  brothers  and 
sisters,"  said  my  grandfather,  "  did  not  think  it  be- 
neath them  to  consult  me  in  an  affair  of  such  impor- 
tance as  matrimony;  neither,  I  suppose,  would  you 
have  omitted  that  piece  of  duty,  had  not  you  some 
secret  fund  in  reserve,  to  the  comforts  of  which  I 
leave  you,  with  a  desire  that  you  will  this  night  seek 
out  another  habitation  for  yourself  and  wife,  whither, 
in  a  short  time,  I  will  send  you  an  account  of  the 
expense  I  have  been  at  in  your  education,  with  a 
view  of  being  reimbursed.  Sir,  you  have  made  the 
grand  tour ;  —  you  are  a  polite  gentleman,  —  a  very 
pretty  gentleman ;  —  I  wish  you  a  great  deal  of  joy, 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

and  am  your  very  humble  servant."     So  saying,  he 
left  my  father  in  a  situation  easily  imagined. 

However,  he  did  not  long  hesitate  ;  for,  being  per- 
fectly well  acquainted  with  his  father's  disposition, 
he  did  not  doubt  that  he  was  glad  of  this  pretence 
to  get  rid  of  him  ;  and  his  resolves  being  invariable 
as  the  laws  of  the  Medes  and  Persians,  he  knew  it 
would  be  to  no  purpose  to  attempt  him  by  prayers 
and  entreaties ;  so,  without  any  further  application, 
he  betook  himself,  with  his  disconsolate  bedfellow,  to 
a  farmhouse,  where  an  old  servant  of  his  mother 
dwelt.  There  they  remained  for  some  time  in  a 
situation  but  ill  adapted  to  the  elegance  of  their 
desires,  and  tenderness  of  their  love ;  which,  never- 
theless, my  father  chose  to  endure,  rather  than  sup- 
plicate an  unnatural  and  inflexible  parent.  But  my 
mother,  foreseeing  the  inconvenience  to  which  she 
must  have  been  exposed,  had  she  been  delivered  in 
this  place  (and  her  pregnancy  was  very  far  advanced), 
without  communicating  her  design  to  her  husband, 
went  in  disguise  to  the  house  of  my  grandfather, 
hoping  that  her  tears  and  condition  would  move  him 
to  compassion,  and  reconcile  him  to  an  event  which 
was  now  irrevocably  past.  She  found  means  to 
deceive  the  servants,  and  was  introduced  as  an  un- 
fortunate lady,  who  wanted  to  complain  of  some 
matrimonial  grievances ;  it  being  my  grandfather's 
particular  province  to  decide  in  all  cases  of  scandal. 

[4] 


HIS    BIRTH    AND    PARENTAGE 

She  was  accordingly  admitted  into  his  presence; 
where,  discovering  herself,  she  fell  at  his  feet,  and  in 
the  most  affecting  manner  implored  his  forgiveness ; 
at  the  same  time  representing  the  danger  that 
threatened  not  only  her  life,  but  that  of  his  own 
grandchild,  which  was  about  to  see  the  light. 

He  told  her,  he  was  sorry  that  the  indiscretion  of 
her  and  his  son  had  compelled  him  to  make  a  vow, 
which  put  it  out  of  his  power  to  give  them  any  assist- 
ance ;  that  he  had  already  imparted  his  thoughts  on 
that  subject  to  her  husband,  and  was  surprised  that 
they  should  disturb  his  peace  with  any  further  im- 
portunity. This  said,  he  retired.  The  violence  of 
my  mother's  affliction  had  such  an  effect  on  her  con- 
stitution, that  she  was  immediately  seized  with  the 
pains  of  childbed ;  and  had  not  an  old  maid-servant, 
to  whom  she  was  very  dear,  afforded  her  pity  and 
assistance,  at  the  hazard  of  incurring  my  grand- 
father's displeasure,  she  and  the  innocent  fruit  of  her 
womb  must  have  fallen  miserable  victims  to  his 
rigour  and  inhumanity.  By  the  friendship  of  this 
poor  woman,  she  was  carried  up  to  a  garret,  and 
immediately  delivered  of  a  man-child,  the  story  of 
whose  unfortunate  birth  he  himself  now  relates.  My 
father,  being  informed  of  what  had  happened,  flew 
to  the  embraces  of  his  darling  spouse,  and,  while  he 
loaded  his  offspring  with  paternal  caresses,  could 
not  forbear  shedding  a  flood  of  tears,  on  beholding 


the  dear  partner  of  his  heart,  for  whose  ease  he  would 
have  sacrificed  the  treasures  of  the  East,  stretched 
upon  a  flock  bed  in  a  miserable  apartment,  unable  to 
protect  her  from  the  inclemencies  of  the  weather. 
It  is  not  to  be  supposed,  that  the  old  gentleman  was 
ignorant  of  what  passed,  though  he  affected  to  know 
nothing  of  the  matter,  and  pretended  to  be  very 
much  surprised,  when  one  of  his  grandchildren,  by 
his  eldest  son  deceased,  who  lived  with  him  as  his 
heir-apparent,  acquainted  him  with  the  affair.  He 
determined,  therefore,  to  observe  no  medium,  but 
immediately,  on  the  third  day  after  her  delivery, 
sent  her  a  peremptory  order  to  be  gone,  and  turned 
off  the  servant  who  had  preserved  her  life. 

This  behaviour  so  exasperated  my  father,  that  he 
had  recourse  to  the  most  dreadful  imprecations ; 
and,  on  his  bare  knees,  implored  that  heaven  would 
renounce  him,  if  ever  he  should  forget  or  forgive  the 
barbarity  of  his  sire.  The  injuries  which  this  un- 
happy mother  received  from  her  removal  in  such 
circumstances,  and  the  want  of  necessaries  where  she 
lodged,  together  with  her  grief  and  anxiety  of  mind, 
soon  threw  her  into  a  languishing  disorder,  which 
put  an  end  to  her  life.  My  father,  who  loved  her 
tenderly,  was  so  affected  with  her  death,  that  he 
remained  six  weeks  deprived  of  his  senses ;  during 
which  time,  the  people  where  he  lodged  carried  the 
infant  to  the  old  man,  who  relented  so  far,  on  hear- 

16] 


HIS    BIRTH    AND    PARENTAGE 

ing  the  melancholy  story  of  his  daughter-in-law's 
death,  and  the  deplorable  condition  of  his  son,  as  to 
send  the  child  to  nurse ;  and  he  ordered  my  father 
to  be  carried  home  to  his  house,  where  he  soon 
recovered  the  use  of  his  reason.  Whether  this 
hard-hearted  judge  felt  any  remorse  for  his  cruel 
treatment  of  his  son  and  daughter,  or  (which  is  more 
probable)  was  afraid  his  character  would  suffer  in 
the  neighbourhood,  he  professed  great  sorrow  for  his 
conduct  to  my  father,  whose  delirium  was  succeeded 
by  a  profound  melancholy  and  reserve.  At  length 
he  disappeared,  and,  notwithstanding  all  imaginable 
inquiry,  could  not  be  heard  of;  a  circumstance 
which  confirmed  most  people  in  the  opinion  of  his 
having  made  away  with  himself  in  a  fit  of  despair. 
How  I  understood  the  particulars  of  my  birth,  will 
appear  in  the  course  of  these  memoirs. 


CHAPTER    TWO 

I    GROW     DP AM     HATED     BY     MY     RELATIONS SENT 

TO     SCHOOL NEGLECTED     BY     MY     GRANDFATHER 

—  MALTREATED     BY     MY     MASTER SEASONED     TO 

ADVERSITY  I     FORM     CABALS     AGAINST    THE     PK- 

DANT AM     DEBARRED      ACCESS     TO     MY      GRAND- 
FATHER  HUNTED      BY      HIS     HEIR 1     DEMOLISH 

THE    TEETH    OF    HIS    TUTOR. 


Y"  "^HERE  were  not  wanting  some  who  sus- 
pected my  uncles  of  being  concerned  in 
my  father's  fate,  on  the  supposition  that 
"^^  they  would  all  share  in  the  patrimony 
destined  for  him ;  and  this  conjecture  was  strength- 
ened by  reflecting,  that,  in  all  his  calamities,  they 
never  discovered  the  least  inclination  to  serve  him ; 
but,  on  the  contrary,  by  all  the  artifices  in  their 
power,  fed  his  father's  resentment,  and  supported  his 
resolution  of  leaving  him  to  misery  and  want.  But 
people  of  judgment  treated  this  situation  as  an  idle 
chimera ;  because,  had  my  relations  been  so  wicked 
as  to  consult  their  interest  by  committing  such  an 
atrocious  crime,  the  fate  of  my  father  would  have 
extended  to  me  too,  whose  life  was  another  obstacle 
to  their  expectation.  Meanwhile,  I  grew  apace  ;  and 

[8] 


SENT    TO    SCHOOL 

as  I  strongly  resembled  my  father,  who  was  the  dar- 
ling of  the  tenants,  I  wanted  nothing  which  their 
indigent  circumstances  could  afford :  but  their  favour 
was  a  weak  resource  against  the  jealous  enmity  of  my 
cousins;  who,  the  more  my  infancy  promised,  con- 
ceived the  more  implacable  hatred  against  me ;  and, 
before  I  was  six   years  of  age,  had   so  effectually 
blockaded  my  grandfather,  that  I  never  saw  him  but 
by  stealth ;  when  I  sometimes  made  up  to  his  chair, 
as  he  sat  to  view  his  labourers  in  the  field :  on  which 
occasions,  he  would  stroke  my  head,  bid  me  be  a 
good  boy,  and  promise  to  take  care  of  me.     I  was 
soon  after  sent  to  school  at  a  village  hard  by,  of 
which  he  had  been  dictator  time  out  of  mind ;  but 
as  he  neither  paid  for  my  board,  nor  supplied  me 
with  clothes,  books,  and  other  necessaries  I  required, 
my  condition  was  very  ragged  and  contemptible; 
and   the    schoolmaster,   who,  through  fear  of    my 
grandfather,  taught  me  gratis,  gave  himself  no  con- 
cern about  the  progress  I  made  under  his  instruction. 
In  spite  of  all  these  difficulties  and  disgraces,  I 
became  a  good  proficient  in  the  Latin  tongue ;  and 
as  soon   as   I  could  write  tolerably,   pestered  my 
grandfather  with  letters  to  such  a  degree,  that  he 
sent  for  my  master,  and  chid  him  severely  for  be- 
stowing such  pains  on  my  education,  telling  him, 
that  if  ever  I  should  be  brought  to  the  gallows  for 
forgery,  which  he  had  taught  me  to  commit,  my 
[9] 


blood  would  lie  on  his  head.  The  pedant,  who 
dreaded  nothing  more  than  the  displeasure  of  his 
patron,  assured  his  honour,  that  the  boy's  ability  was 
more  owing  to  his  own  genius  and  application,  than 
to  any  instruction  or  encouragement  he  received; 
that,  although  he  could  not  divest  him  of  the  knowl- 
edge he  had  already  imbibed,  unless  he  would  em- 
power him  to  disable  his  fingers,  he  should  endeavour, 
with  God^s  help,  to  prevent  his  future  improvement. 
And,  indeed,  he  punctually  performed  what  he  had 
undertaken ;  for,  on  pretence  that  I  had  writ  imper- 
tinent letters  to  my  grandfather,  he  caused  a  board 
to  be  made  with  five  holes  in  it,  through  which  he 
thrust  the  fingers  and  thumb  of  my  right  hand,  and 
fastened  it  with  whip-cord  to  my  wrist,  in  such  a 
manner  as  effectually  debarred  me  the  use  of  my  pen. 
But  this  restraint  I  was  freed  from  in  a  few  days,  by 
an  accident  which  happened  in  a  quarrel  between  me 
and  another  boy,  who,  taking  upon  him  to  insult  my 
poverty,  I  was  so  incensed  at  his  ungenerous  reproach, 
that,  with  one  stroke  of  my  machine,  I  cut  him  to 
the  skull,  to  the  great  terror  of  myself  and  school- 
fellows, who  left  him  bleeding  on  the  ground,  and 
ran  to  inform  the  master  of  what  had  happened.  I 
was  so  severely  punished  for  this  trespass,  that,  were 
I  to  live  to  the  age  of  Methusalem,  the  impression  it 
made  on  me  would  not  be  effaced ;  no  more  than  the 
antipathy  and  horror  I  conceived  for  the  merciless 
[10] 


MALTREATED    BY    HIS    MASTER 

tyrant  who  inflicted  it.  The  contempt  which  my 
appearance  naturally  produced  in  all  who  saw  me, 
the  continual  wants  to  which  I  was  exposed,  and  my 
own  haughty  disposition,  impatient  of  affronts,  in- 
volved me  in  a  thousand  troublesome  adventures,  by 
which  I  was  at  length  inured  to  adversity,  and  em- 
boldened to  undertakings  far  above  my  years.  I  was 
often  inhumanly  scourged  for  crimes  I  did  not  com- 
mit;  because,  having  the  character  of  a  vagabond  in 
the  village,  every  piece  of  mischief,  whose  author  lay 
unknown,  was  charged  upon  me.  I  have  been  found 
guilty  of  robbing  orchards  I  never  entered,  of  killing 
cats  I  never  hurted,  of  stealing  gingerbread  I  never 
touched,  and  of  abusing  old  women  I  never  saw. 
Nay,  a  stammering  carpenter  had  eloquence  enough 
to  persuade  my  master  that  I  fired  a  pistol,  loaded 
with  small  shot,  into  his  window ;  though  my  land- 
lady and  the  whole  family  bore  witness  that  I  was 
a-bed  fast  asleep  at  the  time  when  this  outrage  was 
committed.  I  was  once  flogged  for  having  narrowly 
escaped  drowning,  by  the  sinking  of  a  ferry-boat  in 
which  I  was  passenger ;  another  time  for  having  re- 
covered of  a  bruise  occasioned  by  a  horse  and  cart 
running  over  me;  a  third  time  for  being  bit  by  a 
baker's  dog.  In  short,  whether  I  was  guilty  or  un- 
fortunate, the  correction  and  sympathy  of  this  arbi- 
trary pedagogue  were  the  same. 

Far  from  being  subdued  by  this  infernal  usage,  my 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

indignation  triumphed  over  that  slavish  awe  which 
had  hitherto  enforced  my  obedience;  and  the  more 
my  years  and  knowledge  increased,  the  more  I  per- 
ceived the  injustice  and  barbarity  of  his  behaviour. 
By  the  help  of  an  uncommon  genius,  and  the  advice 
and  direction  of  our  usher,  who  had  served  my  father 
in  his  travels,  I  made  a  surprising  progress  in  the 
classics,  writing,  and  arithmetic ;  so  that,  before  I 
was  twelve  years  old,  I  was  allowed  by  everybody  to 
be  the  best  scholar  in  the  school.  This  qualification, 
together  with  a  boldness  of  temper,  and  strength  of 
make,  which  had  subjected  almost  all  my  contempo- 
raries, gave  me  such  influence  over  them,  that  I  began 
to  form  cabals  against  my  persecutor,  and  was  in 
hopes  of  being  able  to  bid  him  defiance  in  a  very 
short  time.  Being  at  the  head  of  a  faction  consist- 
ing of  thirty  boys,  most  of  them  of  my  own  age,  I 
was  determined  to  put  their  metal  to  trial,  that  I 
might  know  how  far  they  were  to  be  depended  upon, 
before  I  put  my  grand  scheme  in  execution :  with 
this  view,  we  attacked  a  body  of  stout  apprentices, 
who  had  taken  possession  of  a  part  of  the  ground 
allotted  to  us  for  the  scene  of  our  diversions,  and 
who  were  then  playing  at  nine-pins  on  the  spot :  but 
I  had  the  mortification  to  see  my  adherents  routed  in 
an  instant,  and  a  leg  of  one  of  them  broke  in  his 
flight,  by  the  bowl,  which  one  of  our  adversaries  had 
detached  in  pursuit  of  us.  This  discomfiture  did  not 
[12] 


HE    FORMS    CABALS 

hinder  us  from  engaging  them  afterwards  in  frequent 
skirmishes,  which  we  maintained  by  throwing  stones 
at  a  distance,  wherein  I  received  many  wounds,  the 
scars  of  which  still  remain.  Our  enemies  were  so 
harassed  and  interrupted  by  these  alarms,  that  they 
at  last  abandoned  their  conquest,  and  left  us  to  the 
peaceable  enjoyment  of  our  own  territories.  It  would 
be  endless  to  enumerate  the  exploits  we  performed  in 
the  course  of  this  confederacy,  which  became  the 
terror  of  the  whole  village;  insomuch,  that  when 
different  interests  divided  it,  one  of  the  parties  com- 
monly courted  the  assistance  of  Roderick  Random 
(by  which  name  I  was  known),  to  cast  the  balance, 
and  keep  the  opposite  faction  in  awe. 

Meanwhile,  I  took  the  advantage  of  every  play-day 
to  present  myself  before  my  grandfather,  to  whom  I 
seldom  found  access,  by  reason  of  his  being  closely 
besieged  by  a  numerous  family  of  his  female  grand- 
children, who,  though  they  perpetually  quarrelled 
among  themselves,  never  failed  to  join  against  me,  as 
the  common  enemy  of  all.  His  heir,  who  was  about 
the  age  of  eighteen,  minded  nothing  but  fox-hunting, 
and,  indeed,  was  qualified  for  nothing  else,  notwith- 
standing his  grandfather's  indulgence,  in  entertaining 
a  tutor  for  him  at  home,  who  at  the  same  time  per- 
formed the  office  of  parish-clerk.  This  young  Actason, 
who  inherited  his  grandfather's  antipathy  to  every- 
thing in  distress,  never  set  eyes  on  me,  without  un- 
[18] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

coupling  his  beagles,  and  hunting  me  into  some 
cottage  or  other,  whither  I  generally  fled  for  shelter. 
In  this  Christian  amusement,  he  was  encouraged  by 
his  preceptor,  who,  no  doubt,  took  such  opportunities 
to  ingratiate  himself  with  the  rising  sun,  observing 
that  the  old  gentleman,  according  to  the  course  of 
nature,  had  not  long  to  live,  for  he  was  already  on 
the  verge  of  fourscore.  The  behaviour  of  this  rascally 
sycophant  incensed  me  so  much,  that  one  day,  when 
I  was  beleaguered  by  him  and  his  hounds  in  a  farmer's 
house,  where  I  had  found  protection,  I  took  aim  at 
him  (being  an  excellent  marksman)  with  a  large 
pebble,  which  struck  out  four  of  his  fore-teeth,  and 
effectually  incapacitated  him  for  doing  the  office  of  a 
clerk. 


CHAPTER  THREE 

MY    MOTHER'S   BROTHER  ARRIVES  —  RELIEVES  ME  —  A 

DESCRIPTION  OF  HIM HE  GOES  ALONG  WITH  ME 

TO    THE    HOUSE    OF   MY    GRANDFATHER IS   EN- 
COUNTERED BY  HIS  DOGS DEFEATS  THEM,  AFTER 

A   BLOODY   ENGAGEMENT IS   ADMITTED   TO   THE 

OLD  GENTLEMAN A  DIALOGUE  BETWEEN  THEM. 

ABOUT  this  time,  my  mother's  only  brother, 
who  had  been  long  abroad,  lieutenant  of 
a  man-of-war,  arrived  in  his  own  country  ; 
where,  being  informed  of  my  condition, 
he  came  to  see  me,  and,  out  of  his  slender  finances, 
not  only  supplied  me  with  what  necessaries  I  wanted 
for  the  present,  but  resolved  not  to  leave  the  country 
until  he  had  prevailed  on  my  grandfather  to  settle 
something  handsome  on  me  for  the  future.     This  was 
a  task  to  which  he  was  by  no  means  equal,  being  en- 
tirely ignorant,  not  only  of  the  judge's  disposition, 
but  also  unacquainted  with  the  ways  of  men  in  gen- 
eral, to  which  his  education  on  board  had  kept  him 
an   utter  stranger.     He   was   a   strong   built   man, 
somewhat  bandy-legged,   with  a  neck  like  that  of 
[15] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

a  bull,  and  a  face  which,  you  might  easily  per- 
ceive,  had  withstood  the  most  obstinate  assaults  of 
the  weather.  His  dress  consisted  of  a  soldier's  coat, 
altered  for  him  by  the  ship's  tailor,  a  striped  flannel 
jacket,  a  pair  of  red  breeches,  japanned  with  pitch, 
clean  grey  worsted  stockings,  large  silver  buckles, 
that  covered  three-fourths  of  his  shoes,  a  silver-laced 
hat,  whose  crown  overlooked  the  brims  about  an 
inch  and  a  half,  a  black  bob  wig  in  buckle,  a  check 
shirt,  a  silk  handkerchief,  an  hanger  with  a  brass 
handle,  girded  to  his  thigh  by  a  tarnished  laced  belt, 
and  a  good  oak  plant  under  his  arm. 

Thus  equipped,  he  set  out  with  me  (who,  by  his 
bounty,  made  a  very  decent  appearance,)  for  my 
grandfather's  house,  where  we  were  saluted  by  Jowler 
and  Caesar,  whom  my  cousin,  young  master,  had  let 
loose  at  our  approach.  Being  well  acquainted  with 
the  inveteracy  of  these  curs,  I  was  about  to  take  my- 
self to  my  heels,  when  my  uncle  seized  me  with  one 
hand,  brandished  his  cudgel  with  the  other,  and  at 
one  blow  laid  Caesar  sprawling  on  the  ground ;  but 
finding  himself  attacked  at  the  same  time  in  the  rear 
by  Jowler,  and  fearing  Caesar  might  recover,  he  drew 
his  hanger,  wheeled  about,  and,  by  a  lucky  stroke, 
severed  Jowlers  head  from  his  body.  By  this  time 
the  young  fox-hunter  and  three  servants,  armed  with 
pitchforks  and  flails,  were  come  to  the  assistance  of 
the  dogs,  whom  they  found  breathless  upon  the 
[16] 


VISIT    TO    HIS    GRANDFATHER 

field ;  and  my  cousin  was  so  provoked  at  the  death 
of  his  favourites,  that  he  ordered  his  attendants  to 
advance  and  take  vengeance  on  their  executioner, 
whom  he  loaded  with  all  the  curses  and  reproaches 
his  anger  could  suggest.  Upon  which  my  uncle 
stepped  forward  with  an  undaunted  air,  at  the 
sight  of  whose  bloody  weapon  his  antagonists  fell 
back  with  precipitation,  when  he  accosted  their  leader 
thus :  "  Lookee,  brother,  your  dogs  have  boarded 
me  without  provocation;  what  I  did  was  in  my 
own  defence.  So  you  had  best  be  civil,  and  let 
us  shoot  ahead  clear  of  you."  Whether  the  young 
squire  misinterpreted  my  uncle's  desire  of  peace,  or 
was  enraged  at  the  fate  of  his  hounds  beyond  his 
usual  pitch  of  resolution,  I  know  not;  but  he 
snatched  a  flail  from  one  of  his  followers,  and 
came  up  with  a  show  of  assaulting  the  lieutenant, 
who,  putting  himself  in  a  posture  of  defence,  pro- 
ceeded thus  :  "  Lookee,  you  lubberly  son  of  a  w — e, 
if  you  come  athwart  me,  'ware  your  gingerbread 
work  ;  I II  be  foul  of  your  quarter,  xl — n  me." 
This  declaration,  followed  by  a  flourish  of  his  hanger, 
seemed  to  check  the  progress  of  the  young  gentle- 
man's choler,  who,  looking  behind  him,  perceived 
his  attendants  had  slunk  into  the  house,  shut  the 
gate,  and  left  him  to  decide  the  contention  by  him- 
self. Here  a  parley  ensued,  which  was  introduced 
by  my  cousin's  asking,  "  Who  the  d — 1  are  you  ? 
VOL.  i.  —  2  f  17  1 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

What  do  you  want  ?  —  Some  scoundrel  of  a  seaman, 
I  suppose,  who  has  deserted,  and  turned  thief.  But 
don't  think  you  shall  escape,  sirrah;  I'll  have  you 
hanged,  you  dog,  I  will ;  your  blood  shall  pay  for  that 
of  my  two  hounds,  you  ragamuffin.  I  would  not  have 
parted  with  them  to  save  your  whole  generation  from 
the  gallows,  you  ruffian,  you."  "  None  of  your  jaw, 
you  swab  —  none  of  your  jaw,"  replied  my  uncle  — 
"else  I  shall  trim  your  laced  jacket  for  you  —  I  shall 
rub  you  down  with  an  oaken  towel,  my  boy  —  I 
shall." 

So  saying,  he  sheathed  his  hanger,  and  grasped  his 
cudgel.  Meanwhile,  the  people  of  the  house  being 
alarmed,  one  of  my  female  cousins  opened  a  window, 
and  asked  what  was  the  matter  ?  "  The  matter ! " 
answered  the  lieutenant,  **  no  great  matter,  young 
woman.  I  have  business  with  the  old  gentleman, 
and  this  spark,  belike,  won't  allow  me  to  come 
alongside  of  him,  that's  all."  After  a  few  min- 
utes' pause,  we  were  admitted,  and  conducted  to  my 
grandfather's  chamber,  through  a  lane  of  my  rela- 
tions, who  honoured  me  with  very  significant  looks, 
as  I  passed  along.  When  we  came  into  the  judge's 
presence,  my  uncle,  after  two  or  three  sea-bows, 
expressed  himself  in  this  manner :  "  Your  servant 
—  your  servant.  What  cheer,  father  ?  —  what 
cheer  ?  —  I  suppose  you  don't  know  me  —  mayhap 
you  don't.  My  name  is  Tom  Bowling;  and  this 
[18] 


VISIT    TO    HIS    GRANDFATHER 

here  boy  —  you  look  as  if  you  did  not  know  him 
neither;  'tis  like  you  mayn't.  He's  new  rigg'd, 
i'  faith ;  his  cloth  don't  shake  in  the  wind  so  much 
as  it  wont  to  do.  'Tis  my  nephew,  d'ye  see, 
Roderick  Random  — '-  your  own  flesh  and  blood,  old 
gentleman.  Don't  lag  astern,  you  dog"  (pulling 
me  forward).  My  grandfather,  who  was  laid  up 
with  the  gout,  received  this  relation,  after  his  long 
absence,  with  that  coldness  of  civility  which  was 
peculiar  to  him;  told  him  he  was  glad  to  see  him, 
and  desired  him  to  sit  down.  "  Thank  ye,  thank  ye, 
sir,  I  had  as  lief  stand,"  said  my  uncle.  "  For  my 
own  part,  I  desire  nothing  of  you;  but  if  you  have 
any  conscience  at  all,  do  something  for  this  poor 
boy,  who  has  been  used  at  a  very  unchristian  rate. 
Unchristian,  do  I  call  it?  I  am  sure  the  Moors  in 
Barbary  have  more  humanity  than  to  leave  their 
little  ones  to  want.  I  would  fain  know  why  my 
sister's  son  is  more  neglected  than  that  there  fair- 
weather  Jack,"  (pointing  to  the  young  squire,  who, 
with  the  rest  of  my  cousins,  had  followed  us  into 
the  room).  "  Is  not  he  as  near  akin  to  you  as  the 
other  ?  Is  not  he  much  handsomer  and  better  built 
than  that  great  chucklehead  ?  Come,  come  —  con- 
sider, old  gentleman,  you  are  going  in  a  short  time 
to  give  an  account  of  your  evil  actions.  Remember 
the  wrongs  you  did  his  father;  and  make  all  the 
satisfaction  in  your  power,  before  it  be  too  late. 

[19] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

The  least  thing  you  can  do  is  to  settle  his  father's 
portion  on  him." 

The  young  ladies,  who  thought  themselves  too 
much  concerned  to  contain  themselves  any  longer, 
set  up  their  throats  all  together  against  my  pro- 
tector :  "  Scurvy  companion  —  saucy  tarpaulin  — 
rude,  impertinent  fellow  —  did  he  think  to  pre- 
scribe to  grandpapa?  His  sister's  brat  had  been 
too  well  taken  care  of;  grandpapa  was  too  just  not 
to  make  a  difference  between  an  unnatural  rebellious 
son,  and  his  dutiful  loving  children,  who  took  his 
advice  in  all  things "  —  and  such  expressions,  were 
vented  against  him  with  great  violence,  until  the 
judge  at  length  commanded  silence.  He  calmly 
rebuked  my  uncle  for  his  unmannerly  behaviour, 
which  he  said  he  would  excuse,  on  account  of  his 
education.  He  told  him  he  had  been  very  kind 
to  the  boy,  whom  he  had  kept  to  school  seven  or 
eight  years,  although  he  was  informed  he  made 
no  progress  in  his  learning,  but  was  addicted  to  all 
manner  of  vice ;  which  he  rather  believed,  because 
he  himself  was  witness  to  a  barbarous  piece  of  mis- 
chief he  had  committed  on  the  jaws  of  his  chaplain 
But,  however,  he  would  see  what  the  lad  was  fit  for, 
and  bind  him  apprentice  to  some  honest  tradesman 
or  other,  provided  he  would  mend  his  manners,  and 
behave  for  the  future  as  became  him. 

The  honest  tar,  whose  pride  and  indignation  boiled 
[20] 


VISIT    TO    HIS    GRANDFATHER 

within  him,  answered  my  grandfather,  that  it  was 
true  he  had  sent  him  to  school,  but  it  had  cost  him 
nothing ;  for  he  had  never  been  at  one  shilling  ex- 
pense to  furnish  him  with  food,  raiment,  books,  or 
other  necessaries ;  so  that  it  was  not  to  be  much  won- 
dered at,  if  the  boy  made  small  progress ;  and  yet, 
whoever  told  him  so,  was  a  lying  lubberly  rascal,  and 
deserved  to  be  keelhauled.  For  though  he  (the  lieu- 
tenant) did  not  understand  those  matters  himself,  he 
was  well  informed  as  how  Rory  was  the  best  scholar  of 
his  age  in  all  the  country ;  the  truth  of  which  he  would 
maintain,  by  laying  a  wager  of  his  whole  half-year's 
pay  on  the  boy's  head ;  (with  these  words,  he  pulled 
out  his  purse,  and  challenged  the  company).  "  Neither 
is  he  predicted  to  vice,  as  you  affirm,  but  rather  left 
like  a  wreck,  d'  ye  see,  at  the  mercy  of  the  wind  and 
weather  by  your  neglect,  old  gentleman.  As  for 
what  happened  to  your  chaplain,  I  am  only  sorry 
that  he  did  not  knock  out  the  scoundrel's  brains, 
instead  of  his  teeth.  By  the  Lord,  if  ever  I  come  up 
with  him,  he  had  better  be  in  Greenland  —  that 's  all. 
Thank  you  for  your  courteous  offer  of  binding  the 
lad  apprentice  to  a  tradesman.  I  suppose  you  would 
make  a  tailor  of  him  —  would  you?  I  had  rather 
see  him  hanged,  d'  ye  see.  Come  along,  Rory,  I  per- 
ceive how  the  land  lies,  my  boy  ;  let 's  tack  about  — 
i'  faith,  while  I  have  a  shilling,  thou  shan't  want  a 
tester.  B'wye,  old  gentleman,  you  're  bound  for  the 
[81] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

other  world,  but  I  believe  damnably  ill  provided  for 
the  voyage."  Thus  ended  our  visit,  and  we  returned 
to  the  village,  my  uncle  muttering  curses  all  the  way 
against  the  old  shark  and  the  young  fry  that  sur- 
rounded him. 


[28] 


CHAPTER  FOUR 

MY  GRANDFATHER  MAKES   HIS   WILL OUR  SECOND  VISIT 

HE    DEES HIS   WILL    IS    READ   IN  PRESENCE    OF 

ALL  HIS  LIVING  DESCENDANTS THE  DISAPPOINT- 
MENT OF  MY  FEMALE  COUSINS MY  UNCLfi's  BE- 
HAVIOUR. 

A  FEW  weeks  after  our  first  visit,  we  were 
informed  that  the  old  judge,  at  the  end 
of  a  fit  of  thoughtfulness  which  lasted 
three  days,  had  sent  for  a  notary,  and 
made  his  will ;  that  the  distemper  had  mounted  from 
his  legs  to  his  stomach,  and,  being  conscious  of  his 
approaching  end,  he  had  desired  to  see  all  his  de- 
scendants without  exception.     In  obedience  to  this 
summons,  my  uncle  set  out  with  me  a  second  time, 
to  receive  the  last  benediction  of  my  grandfather; 
often   repeating   by   the   road,    "  Ey,   ey,   we   have 
brought  up  the  old  hulk  at  last.     You  shall  see,  — 
you  shall  see  the  effect  of  my  admonition."     When 
we  entered  his  chamber,  which  was  crowded  with  his 
relations,    we   advanced   to   the   bedside,  where   we 
found  him  in  his  last  agonies,  supported  by  two  of 
his  granddaughters,  who  sat  on  each  side  of  him, 
[23] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

sobbing  most  piteously,  and  wiping  away  the  froth 
and  slaver  as  it  gathered  on  his  lips,  which  they 
frequently  kissed  with  a  show  of  great  anguish  and 
affection.  My  uncle  approached  him  with  these 
words :  "  What !  he 's  not  aweigh  ?  How  fare  ye, 
old  gentleman  ?  —  Lord  have  mercy  upon  your  poor 
sinful  soul."  Upon  which  the  dying  man  turned  his 
languid  eyes  towards  us,  and  Mr.  Bowling  went  on. 
"  Here 's  poor  Rory  come  to  see  you  before  you  die, 
and  receive  your  blessing.  What,  man  !  don't  des- 
pair, —  you  have  been  a  great  sinner,  't  is  true,  what 
then?  There's  a  righteous  judge  above,  —  a'nt 
there?  —  He  minds  me  no  more  than  a  porpoise. 
Yes,  yes,  he 's  agoing,  —  the  land  crabs  will  have  him, 
I  see  that,  —  his  anchor 's  apeak,  i'  faith." 

This  homely  consolation  scandalised  the  company 
so  much,  and  especially  the  parson,  who  probably 
thought  his  province  invaded,  that  we  were  obliged 
to  retire  into  the  other  room,  where,  in  a  few  minutes, 
we  were  convinced  of  my  grandfather's  decease,  by  a 
dismal  yell  uttered  by  the  young  ladies  in  his  apart- 
ment ;  whither  we  immediately  hastened,  and  found 
his  heir,  who  had  retired  a  little  before  into  a  closet, 
under  pretence  of  giving  vent  to  his  sorrow,  asking^ 
with  a  countenance  beslubbered  with  tears,  if  his 
grandpapa  was  certainly  dead  ?  —  "  Dead ! "  says  my 
uncle,  looking  at  the  body,  "  ay,  ay,  I  '11  warrant  him 
as  dead  as  a  herring.  Odds  fish !  now  my  dream  is 
[24] 


DEATH    OF    HIS    GRANDFATHER 

out  for  all  the  world.  I  thought  I  stood  upon  the 
forecastle,  and  saw  a  parcel  of  carrion  crows  foul  of 
a  dead  shark  that  floated  alongside,  and  the  devil 
perching  on  our  sprit-sail  yard,  in  the  likeness  of  a 
blue  bear,  —  who,  d1  ye  see,  jumped  overboard  upon 
the  carcass,  and  carried  it  to  the  bottom  in  his  claws." 
"  Out  upon  thee,  reprobate !  "  cries  the  parson,  "  out 
upon  thee,  blasphemous  wretch  !  —  Dost  thou  think 
his  honour's  soul  is  in  the  possession  of  Satan  ?  "  The 
clamour  immediately  arose,  and  my  poor  uncle,  being 
shouldered  from  one  corner  of  the  room  to  the  other, 
was  obliged  to  lug  out  in  his  own  defence,  and  swear 
he  would  turn  out  for  no  man,  till  such  time  as  he  knew 
who  had  a  title  to  send  him  adrift.  "  None  of  your 
tricks  upon  travellers,"  said  he ;  "  mayhap  old  buff 
has  left  my  kinsman  here  his  heir :  if  he  has,  it  will 
be  the  better  for  his  miserable  soul.  Odds  bob  !  I  'd 
desire  no  better  news.  I  'd  soon  make  him  a  clear 
ship,  I  warrant  you."  To  avoid  any  further  disturb- 
ance, one  of  my  grandfather's  executors,  who  was 
present,  assured  Mr.  Bowling  that  his  nephew  should 
have  all  manner  of  justice ;  that  a  day  should  be 
appointed,  after  the  funeral,  for  examining  the  papers 
of  the  deceased,  in  presence  of  all  his  relations ;  till 
which  time  every  desk  and  cabinet  in  the  house 
should  remain  close  sealed ;  and  that  he  was  very 
welcome  to  be  witness  to  this  ceremony,  which  was 
immediately  performed  to  his  satisfaction.  In  the 
[25] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

meantime,  orders  were  given  to  provide  mourning  for 
all  the  relations,  in  which  number  I  was  included : 
but  my  uncle  would  not  suffer  me  to  accept  of  it, 
until  I  should  be  assured  whether  or  not  I  had  reason 
to  honour  his  memory  so  far. 

During  this  interval,  the  conjectures  of  people,  with 
regard  to  the  old  gentleman"^  will,  were  various.  As 
it  was  well  known  he  had,  besides  his  landed  estate, 
which  was  worth  £700  per  annum,  six  or  seven  thou- 
sand pounds  at  interest,  some  imagined,  that  the 
whole  real  estate  (which  he  had  greatly  improved) 
would  go  to  the  young  man  whom  he  always  enter- 
tained as  his  heir;  and  that  the  money  would  be 
equally  divided  between  my  female  cousins  (five  in 
number)  and  me.  Others  were  of  opinion,  that  as 
the  rest  of  his  children  had  been  already  provided 
for,  he  would  only  bequeath  two  or  three  hundred 
pounds  to  each  of  his  granddaughters,  and  leave  the 
bulk  of  the  sum  to  me,  to  atone  for  his  unnatural 
usage  of  my  father.  At  length  the  important  hour 
arrived,  and  the  will  was  produced  in  the  midst  of 
the  expectants,  whose  looks  and  gestures  formed  a 
group  that  would  have  been  very  entertaining  to  an 
unconcerned  spectator.  But  the  reader  can  scarce 
conceive  the  astonishment  and  mortification  that  ap- 
peared, when  the  attorney  pronounced  aloud,  the 
young  squire  sole  heir  of  all  his  grandfather's  estate, 
personal  and  real.  My  uncle,  who  had  listened  with 
[26] 


READING    THE    WILL 

great  attention,  sucking  the  head  of  his  cudgel  all 
the  while,  accompanied  these  words  of  the  attorney 
with  a  stare,  and  whew,  that  alarmed  the  whole 
assembly.  The  eldest  and  pertest  of  my  female  com- 
petitors, who  had  been  always  very  officious  about 
my  grandfather's  person,  inquired  with  a  faltering 
accent,  and  visage  as  yellow  as  an  orange,  "  If  there 
were  no  legacies  ?  "  and  was  answered,  "  None  at  all." 
Upon  which  she  fainted  away.  The  rest,  whose 
expectations,  perhaps,  were  not  so  sanguine,  sup- 
ported their  disappointment  with  more  resolution  ; 
though  not  without  giving  evident  marks  of  indigna- 
tion, and  grief  at  least  as  genuine  as  that  which 
appeared  in  them  at  the  old  gentleman's  death.  My 
conductor,  after  having  kicked  with  his  heel  for  some 
time  against  the  wainscot,  began :  "  So  there 's  no 
legacy,  friend,  ha !  —  here 's  an  old  succubus ;  —  but 
somebody's  soul  howls  for  it,  d — n  me !  "  The  parson 
of  the  parish,  who  was  one  of  the  executors,  and 
had  acted  as  ghostly  director  to  the  old  man,  no 
sooner  heard  this  exclamation  than  he  cried  out, 
"  Avaunt,  unchristian  reviler  !  avaunt !  —  wilt  thou 
not  allow  the  soul  of  his  honour  to  rest  in  peace  ?  " 
But  this  zealous  pastor  did  not  find  himself  so  warmly 
seconded,  as  formerly,  by  the  young  ladies,  who 
now  joined  my  uncle  against  him,  and  accused  him 
of  having  acted  the  part  of  a  busy-body  with  their 
grandpapa,  whose  ears  he  had  certainly  abused  by 
[27] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

false  stories  to  their  prejudice,  or  else  he  would  not 
have  neglected  them  in  such  an  unnatural  manner. 
The  young  squire  was  much  diverted  with  this 
scene,  and  whispered  to  my  uncle,  that,  if  he  had 
not  murdered  his  dogs,  he  would  have  shown  him 
glorious  fun,  by  hunting  a  black  badger  (so  he  termed 
the  clergyman).  The  surly  lieutenant,  who  was  not 
^n  an  humour  to  relish  this  amusement,  replied, 
4  You  and  your  dogs  may  be  d — d ;  I  suppose  you  11 
£nd  them  with  your  old  dad,  in  the  latitude  of  hell. 
Come,  Rory  —  about  ship,  my  lad,  —  we  must  steer 
another  course,  I  think." —  And  away  we  went. 


[28] 


CHAPTER  FIVE 

THE  SCHOOLMASTER    USES    ME  BARBAROUSLY 1    FORM    A 

PROJECT  OF  REVENGE,  IN  WHICH  I  AM  ASSISTED 
BY  MY  UNCLE I  LEAVE  THE  VILLAGE AM  SET- 
TLED AT  AN  UNIVERSITY  BY  HIS  GENEROSITY. 

ON  our  way  back  to  the  village,  my  uncle 
spoke  not  a  word  during  the  space  of  a 
whole   hour,    but   whistled,  with   great 
vehemence,  the  tune  of  "Why  should 
we  quarrel  for  riches,"  etc.,  his  visage  being  con- 
tracted all  the  while  into  a  most  formidable  frown. 
At  length  his  pace  increased  to  such  a  degree,  that  I 
was  left  behind  a  considerable  way.     Then  he  waited 
for  me ;  and,  when  I  was  almost  up  with  him,  called 
out  in  a  surly  tone,  "  Bear  a  hand,  damme !  must  I 
bring-to   every    minute    for   you,    you    lazy   dog?" 
Then,    laying  hold   of  me   by  the  arm,  hauled   me 
along,  until  his  good  nature,  of  which  he  had  a  great 
share,  and  reflection  getting  the  better  of  his  passion, 
he  said,  "  Come,  my  boy,  don't  be  cast  down,  —  the 
old  rascal  is  in  hell,  —  that 's  some  satisfaction ;  you 
shall  go  to  sea  with  me,  my  lad.  —  'A  light  heart 
and  a  thin  pair  of  breeches  goes  through  the  world, 
[29] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

brave  boys,'  as  the  song  goes,  eh ! "  Though  this 
proposal  did  not  at  "all  suit  my  inclination,  I  was 
afraid  of  discovering  any  aversion  to  it,  lest  I  should 
disoblige  the  only  friend  I  had  in  the  world ;  and  he 
was  so  much  a  seaman,  that  he  never  dreamt  I  could 
have  any  objection  to  his  design,  consequently  gave 
himself  no  trouble  in  consulting  my  approbation. 
But  this  resolution  was  soon  dropt,  by  the  advice  of 
our  usher,  who  assured  Mr.  Bowling,  it  would  be  a 
thousand  pities  to  balk  my  genius,  which  would  cer- 
tainly, one  day,  make  my  fortune  on  shore,  provided 
it  received  due  cultivation.  Upon  which  this  gener- 
ous tar  determined,  though  he  could  ill  afford  it,  to 
give  me  university  education ;  and  accordingly  settled 
my  board  and  other  expenses,  at  a  town  not  many 
miles  distant,  famous  for  its  colleges,  whither  we  re- 
paired in  a  short  time.  But,  before  the  day  of  our 
departure,  the  schoolmaster,  who  no  longer  had  the 
fear  of  my  grandfather  before  his  eyes,  laid  aside  all 
decency  and  restraint,  and  not  only  abused  me  in  the 
grossest  language  his  rancour  could  suggest,  as  a 
wicked,  profligate,  dull,  beggarly  miscreant,  whom  he 
had  taught  out  of  charity ;  but  also  inveighed  in  the 
most  bitter  manner  against  the  memory  of  the  judge, 
(who,  by  the  by,  had  procured  that  settlement  for 
him,)  hinting  in  pretty  plain  terms,  that  the  old 
gentleman's  soul  was  damn'd  to  all  eternity,  for  his 
injustice  in  neglecting  to  pay  for  my  learning. 
[30] 


FLOT    AGAINST    SCHOOLMASTER 

This  brutal  behaviour,  added  to  the  sufferings  I 
had  formerly  undergone,  made  me  think  it  high  time 
to  be  revenged  of  this  insolent  pedagogue.  Having 
consulted  my  adherents,  I  found  them  all  staunch  in 
their  promises  to  stand  by  me ;  and  our  scheme  was 
this :  in  the  afternoon  preceding  the  day  of  my  de- 
parture for  the  university,  I  resolved  to  take  the 
advantage  of  the  usher's  going  out  to  make  water, 
which  he  regularly  did  at  four  o'clock,  and  shut  the 
great  door,  that  he  might  not  come  to  the  assistance 
of  his  superior.  This  being  done,  the  assault  was  to 
be  begun,  by  my  advancing  to  my  master,  and  spit- 
ting in  his  face.  I  was  to  be  seconded  by  two  of  the 
strongest  boys  in  the  school,  who  were  devoted  to 
me ;  their  business  was  to  join  me  in  dragging  the 
tyrant  to  a  bench,  over  which  he  was  to  be  laid,  and 
his  bare  posteriors  heartily  flogged  with  his  own 
birch,  which  we  proposed  to  wrest  from  him  in  the 
struggle ;  but  if  we  should  find  him  too  many  for  us 
all  three,  we  were  to  demand  the  assistance  of  our 
competitors,  who  should  be  ready  to  reinforce  us,  or 
oppose  anything  that  might  be  undertaken  for  the 
master's  relief.  One  of  my  principal  assistants  was 
called  Jeremy  Gawky,  son  and  heir  of  a  wealthy 
gentleman  in  the  neighbourhood ;  and  the  name  of 
the  other,  Hugh  Strap,  the  cadet  of  a  family  which 
had  given  shoemakers  to  the  village  time  out  of  mind. 
I  had  once  saved  Gawky's  life,  by  plunging  into  a 
[31] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

river,  and  dragging  him  on  shore,  when  he  was  on 
the  point  of  being  drowned.  I  had  often  rescued 
him  from  the  clutches  of  those  whom  his  insufferable 
arrogance  had  provoked  to  a  resentment  he  was  not 
able  to  sustain  ;  and  many  times  saved  his  reputation 
and  posteriors,  by  performing  his  exercises  at  school ; 
so  that  it  is  not  to  be  wondered  at  if  he  had  a  par- 
ticular regard  for  me  and  my  interests.  The  attach- 
ment of  Strap  flowed  from  a  voluntary  disinterested 
inclination,  which  had  manifested  itself  on  many 
occasions  on  my  behalf,  he  having  once  rendered  me 
the  same  service  that  I  had  done  Gawky,  by  saving 
my  life  at  the  risk  of  his  own  ;  and  often  fathered 
offences  that  I  had  committed,  for  which  he  suffered 
severely,  rather  than  I  should  feel  the  weight  of  the 
punishment  I  deserved.  These  two  champions  were 
the  more  willing  to  engage  in  this  enterprise,  because 
they  intended  to  leave  the  school  the  next  day  as 
well  as  I,  the  first  being  ordered  by  his  father  to 
return  into  the  country,  and  the  other  being  bound 
apprentice  to  a  barber,  at  a  market  town  not  far 
off. 

In  the  meantime,  my  uncle  being  informed  of  my 
master's  behaviour  to  me,  was  enraged  at  his  inso- 
lence, and  vowed  revenge  so  heartily,  that  I  could  not 
refrain  from  telling  him  the  scheme  I  had  concerted, 
which  he  heard  with  great  satisfaction,  at  every  sen- 
tence squirting  out  a  mouthful  of  spittle,  tinctured 
[32] 


ASSISTED    BY    HIS    UNCLE 

with  tobacco,  of  which  he  constantly  chewed  a  large 
quid.  At  last,  pulling  up  his  breeches,  he  cried. 
"No,  no,  z — ds  !  that  won't  do,  neither.  Howsom- 
ever,  'tis  a  bold  undertaking,  my  lad,  that  I  must 
say,  i'  faith !  But,  lookee,  lookee,  how  dost  propose 
to  get  clear  off?  —  won't  the  enemy  give  chase,  my 
boy  ?  ay,  ay,  that  he  will,  I  warrant,  and  alarm  the 
whole  coast.  Ah !  God  help  thee,  more  sail  than  bal- 
last, Rory.  Let  me  alone  for  that  —  leave  the  whole 
to  me  —  I'll  show  him  the  foretop-sail,  I  will.  If  so 
be  your  shipmates  are  jolly  boys,  and  won't  flinch, 
you  shall  see,  you  shall  see ;  egad,  I  '11  play  him  a 
salt-water  trick  ;  1 11  bring  him  to  the  gangway,  and 
anoint  him  with  a  cat-o'-nine-tails ;  he  shall  have  a 
round  dozen  doubled,  my  lad,  he  shall,  and  be  left 
lashed  to  his  meditations." 

We  were  very  proud  of  our  associate,  who  immedi- 
ately went  to  work,  and  prepared  the  instrument  of 
his  revenge  with  great  skill  and  expedition;  after 
which,  he  ordered  our  baggage  to  be  packed  up,  and 
sent  off  a  day  before  our  attempt,  and  got  horses 
ready  to  be  mounted,  as  soon  as  the  affair  should  be 
over.  At  length  the  hour  arrived,  when  our  auxiliary, 
seizing  the  opportunity  of  the  usher's  absence,  bolted 
in,  secured  the  door,  and  immediately  laid  hold  of 
the  pedant  by  his  collar,  who  bawled  out,  "  Murder ! 
thieves!"  with  the  voice  of  a  Stentor.  Though  I 
trembled  all  over  like  an  aspen-leaf,  I  knew  there 

VOL.  I.— 3  [33] 


was  no  time  to  be  lost,  and  accordingly  got  up,  and 
summoned  our  associates  to  my  assistance.  Strap, 
without  any  hesitation,  obeyed  the  signal ;  and  see- 
ing me  leap  upon  the  master's  back,  ran  immediately 
to  one  of  his  legs,  which,  pulling  with  all  his  force, 
his  dreadful  adversary  was  humbled  to  the  ground ; 
upon  which  Gawky,  who  had  hitherto  remained  in 
his  place,  under  the  influence  of  an  \mivorsal  trepi- 
dation, hastened  to  the  scene  of  action,  and  insulted 
the  fallen  tyrant  with  a  loud  huzza,  in  which  the 
whole  school  joined. 

This  noise  alarmed  the  usher,  who,  finding  himself 
shut  out,  endeavoured,  partly  by  threats,  and  partly 
by  entreaties,  to  procure  admission.  My  uncle  bade 
him  have  a  little  patience,  and  he  would  let  him  in 
presently ;  but,  if  he  pretended  to  move  from  that 
place,  it  should  fare  worse  with  the  son  of  a  b — h, 
his  superior,  on  whom  he  intended  only  to  bestow  a 
little  wholesome  chastisement,  for  his  barbarous  usage 
of  Rory ;  "  to  which,"  said  he,  "  you  are  no  stranger. " 
By  this  time  we  had  dragged  the  criminal  to  a  post, 
to  which  Bowling  tied  him  with  a  rope  he  had  pro- 
vided on  purpose,  after  having  secured  his  hands, 
and  stript  his  back.  In  this  ludicrous  posture  he 
stood,  (to  the  no  small  entertainment  of  the  boys, 
who  crowded  about  him,  and  shouted  with  great 
exultation  at  the  novelty  of  the  sight,)  venting  bitter 
imprecations  against  the  lieutenant,  and  reproaching 
[34] 


SCHOOLMASTER    FLOGGED 

his  scholars  with  treachery  and  rebellion,  when  the 
usher  was  admitted,  whom  my  uncle  accosted  in  this 
manner  :  "  Harkee,  Mr.  Syntax,  I  believe  you  are  an 
honest  man,  d'  ye  see,  and  I  have  a  respect  for  you ; 
but,  for  all  that,  we  must,  for,  our  own  security,  d1  ye 
see,  belay  you  for  a  short  time."  With  these  words, 
he  pulled  out  some  fathoms  of  cord,  which  the  honest 
man  no  sooner  saw,  than  he  protested  with  great 
earnestness  he  would  allow  no  violence  to  be  offered 
to  him  ;  at  the  same  time  accusing  me  of  perfidy  and 
ingratitude.  But  Bowling  representing  that  it  was 
in  vain  to  resist,  and  that  he  did  not  mean  to  use 
him  with  violence  and  indecency,  but  only  to  hinder 
him  from  raising  the  hue  and  cry  against  us  before 
we  should  be  out  of  their  power,  he  allowed  himself 
to  be  bound  to  his  own  desk,  where  he  sat  a  spectator 
of  the  punishment  inflicted  on  his  principal.  My 
uncle  having  upbraided  this  arbitrary  wretch  with 
his  inhumanity  to  me,  told  him  that  he  proposed  to 
give  him  a  little  discipline  for  the  good  of  his  soul, 
which  he  immediately  put  in  practice  with  great 
vigour  and  dexterity.  This  smart  application  to  the 
pedant's  withered  posteriors,  gave  him  such  exquisite 
pain,  that  he  roared  like  a  mad  bull,  danced,  cursed, 
and  blasphemed,  like  a  frantic  bedlamite.  When 
the  lieutenant  thought  himself  sufficiently  revenged, 
he  took  his  leave  of  him  in  these  words :  "  Now, 
friend,  you  '11  remember  me  the  longest  day  you  have 
[35] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

to  live  ;  I  have  given  you  a  lesson  that  will  let  you 
know  what  flogging  is,  and  teach  you  to  have  more 
sympathy  for  the  future  —  shout,  boys,  shout."  This 
ceremony  was  no  sooner  over,  than  my  uncle  pro- 
posed they  should  quit  the  school,  and  convoy  their 
old  comrade  Rory  to  a  public-house,  about  a  mile 
from  the  village,  where  he  would  treat  them  all.  His 
offer  being  joyfully  embraced,  he  addressed  himself 
to  Mr.  Syntax,  and  begged  him  to  accompany  us; 
but  this  invitation  he  refused  with  great  disdain, 
telling  my  benefactor  he  was  not  the  man  he  took 
him  to  be.  "  Well,  well,  old  surly,"  replied  my  uncle, 
shaking  his  hand,  "thou  art  an  honest  fellow  not- 
withstanding ;  and  if  ever  I  have  the  command  of  a 
ship,  thou  shalt  be  our  schoolmaster,  i' faith."  So 
saying,  he  dismissed  the  boys,  and  locking  the  door, 
left  the  two  preceptors  to  console  one  another,  while 
we  moved  forwards  on  our  journey,  attended  by  a 
numerous  retinue,  whom  he  treated  according  to  his 
promise.  We  parted  with  many  tears,  and  lay  that 
night  at  an  inn  on  the  road,  about  ten  miles  short  of 
the  town  where  I  was  to  remain,  at  which  we  arrived 
next  day ;  and  I  found  I  had  no  cause  to  complain  of 
the  accommodations  provided  for  me,  in  being  boarded 
at  the  house  of  an  apothecary,  who  had  married  a 
distant  relation  of  my  mother.  In  a  few  days  after, 
my  uncle  set  out  for  his  ship,  having  settled  the 
necessary  funds  for  my  maintenance  and  education, 
[36] 


CHAPTER  SIX 

J    MAKE  GREAT  PROGRESS  IN  MY  STUDIES AM  CARESSED 

BY  EVERYBODY  —  MY  FEMALE  COUSINS  TAKE  NOTICE 

OF  ME I    REJECT  THEIR   INVITATION THEY   ARE 

INCENSED,  AND  CONSPIRE   AGAINST  ME I  AM  LEFT 

DESTITUTE    BY    A     MISFORTUNE     THAT    BEFALLS     MY 
UNCLE GAWKY^S  TREACHERY MY  REVENGE. 

AS  I  was  now  capable  of  reflection,  I  began 
to  consider  my  precarious  situation  ;  that 
I  was  utterly  abandoned  by  those  whose 
duty  it  was  to  protect  me ;  and  that  my 
sole  dependence  was  on  the  generosity  of  one  man, 
who  was  not  only  exposed  by  his  profession  to  con- 
tinual dangers,  which  might  one  day  deprive  me  of 
him  for  ever ;  but  also,  no  doubt,  subject  to  those 
vicissitudes  of  disposition  which  a  change  of  fortune 
usually  creates,  or  which  a  better  acquaintance  with 
the  world  might  produce ;  for  I  always  ascribed  his 
benevolence  to  the  dictates  of  a  heart  as  yet  unde- 
bauched  by  a  commerce  with  mankind.     Alarmed  at 
these  considerations,  I  resolved  to  apply  myself  with 
great  care  to  my  studies,  and  enjoy  the  opportunity 
in  my  power :  this  I  did  with  such  success,  that,  in 
[87] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

the  space  of  three  years,  I  understood  Greek  very 
well,  was  pretty  far  advanced  in  the  mathematics, 
and  no  stranger  to  moral  and  natural  philosophy ; 
logic  I  made  no  account  of;  but,  above  all  things,  I 
valued  myself  on  my  taste  in  the  Belles  Lettres,  and 
a  talent  for  poetry,  which  had  already  produced  some 
pieces  that  met  with  a  very  favourable  reception. 
These  qualifications,  added  to  a  good  face  and  shape, 
acquired  the  esteem  and  acquaintance  of  the  most 
considerable  people  in  town ;  and  I  had  the  satisfac- 
tion to  find  myself  in  some  degree  of  favour  with  the 
ladies  —  an  intoxicating  piece  of  good  fortune  to  one 
of  my  amorous  complexion  !  —  which  I  obtained,  or, 
at  least,  preserved,  by  gratifying  their  propensity  to 
scandal  in  lampooning  their  rivals.  Two  of  my 
female  cousins  lived  in  this  place  with  their  mother, 
since  the  death  of  their  father,  who  left  his  whole 
fortune  equally  divided  between  them ;  so  that,  if 
they  were  not  the  most  beautiful,  they  were  at  least 
the  richest  toasts  in  town,  and  received  daily  the 
addresses  of  all  the  beaux  and  cavaliers  of  the 
country.  Although  I  had  hitherto  been  looked 
upon  by  them  with  the  most  supercilious  contempt, 
my  character  now  attracted  their  notice  so  much, 
that  I  was  given  to  understand  I  might  be  honoured 
with  their  acquaintance,  if  I  pleased. 

The  reader  will  easily  perceive  that  this  conde- 
scension either  flowed  from  the  hope  of  making  my 
[38] 


COUSINS    CONSPIRE    AGAINST    HIM 

poetical  capacity  subservient  to  their  malice,  or,  at 
least,  of  screening  themselves  from  the  lash  of  my 
resentment,  which  they  had  effectually  provoked.  I 
enjoyed  this  triumph  with  great  satisfaction ;  and 
not  only  rejected  their  offer  with  disdain,  but,  in  all 
my  performances,  whether  satire  or  panegyric,  indus- 
triously avoided  mentioning  their  names,  even  while 
I  celebrated  those  of  their  intimates.  This  neglect 
mortified  their  pride  exceedingly,  and  incensed  them 
to  such  a  degree,  that  they  were  resolved  to  make  me 
repent  of  my  indifference.  The  first  stroke  of  their 
revenge  consisted  in  their  hiring  a  poor  collegian  to 
write  verses  against  me,  the  subject  of  which  was  my 
own  poverty,  and  the  catastrophe  of  my  unhappy 
parents.  But,  besides  the  badness  of  the  com- 
position, (of  which  they  themselves  were  ashamed,) 
they  did  not  find  their  account  in  endeavouring  to 
reproach  me  with  those  misfortunes  which  they  and 
their  relations  had  brought  upon  me,  and  which, 
consequently,  reflected  much  more  dishonour  on 
themselves  than  on  me,  who  was  the  innocent  vic- 
tim of  their  barbarity  and  avarice.  Finding  this 
plan  miscarry,  they  found  means  to  irritate  a  young 
gentleman  against  me,  by  telling  him  I  had  lam- 
pooned his  mistress ;  and  so  effectually  succeeded  in 
the  quality  of  incendiaries,  that  this  enraged  lover 
determined  to  seize  me  next  night,  as  I  returned 
to  my  lodgings  from  a  friend's  house  that  I  fre- 
[39] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

quented.  With  this  view,  he  waited  in  the  street, 
attended  by  two  of  his  companions,  to  whom  he  had 
imparted  his  design,  of  carrying  me  down  to  the  river, 
in  which  he  proposed  to  have  me  heartily  ducked, 
notwithstanding  the  severity  of  the  weather,  it  being 
then  about  the  middle  of  December.  But  this  strata- 
gem did  not  succeed ;  for,  being  apprised  of  their  am- 
bush, I  got  home  another  way,  and,  by  the  help  of  my 
landlord's  apprentice,  discharged  a  volley  from  the 
garret  window,  which  did  great  execution  upon  them  ; 
and,  next  day,  occasioned  so  much  mirth  at  their  ex- 
pense, that  they  found  themselves  under  a  necessity 
of  leaving  the  town,  until  the  adventure  should  be 
entirely  forgotten.  My  cousins,  though  twice  baf- 
fled in  their  expectation,  did  not,  however,  desist 
from  persecuting  me,  who  had  now  enraged  them 
beyond  a  possibility  of  forgiveness,  by  detecting 
their  malice,  and  preventing  its  effects.  Neither 
should  I  have  found  them  more  humane,  had  I 
patiently  submitted  to  their  rancour,  and  bor[n]e, 
without  murmuring,  the  rigour  of  their  unreasonable 
hate ;  for  I  have  found,  by  experience,  that,  though 
small  favours  may  be  acknowledged,  and  slight  in- 
juries atoned,  there  is  no  wretch  so  ungrateful  as  he 
whom  you  have  most  generously  obliged;  and  no 
enemy  so  implacable  as  those  who  have  done  you 
the  greatest  wrong.  These  good-natured  creatures, 
therefore,  had  recourse  to  a  scheme  which  conspired, 
[40] 


IS    LEFT    DESTITUTE 

with  a  piece  of  bad  news  I  soon  after  received,  to  give 
them  all  the  satisfaction  they  desired. 

This  plan  was  to  debauch  the  faith  of  my  compan- 
ion and  confident,  who  betrayed  the  trust  I  reposed 
in  him,  by  imparting  to  them  the  particulars  of  my 
small  amours,  which  they  published  with  such  exag- 
gerations, that  I  suffered  very  much  in  the  opinion 
of  everybody,  and  was  utterly  discarded  by  the  dear 
creatures  whose  names  had  been  called  in  question. 
While  I  was  busy  in  tracing  out  the  author  of  this 
treachery,  that  I  might  not  only  be  revenged  on  him, 
but  also  vindicate  my  character  to  my  friends,  I  one 
day  perceived  the  looks  of  my  landlady  much  altered 
when  I  went  home  to  dinner,  and  inquiring  into  the 
cause,  she  screwed  up  her  mouth,  and  fixing  her  eyes 
on  the  ground,  told  me  her  husband  had  received  a 
letter  from  Mr.  Bowling,  with  one  enclosed  for  me  — 
she  was  very  sorry  for  what  had  happened,  both  for 
my  sake  and  his  own  —  people  should  be  more  cau- 
tious of  their  conduct.  She  was  always  afraid  his 
brutal  behaviour  would  bring  him  into  some  mis- 
fortune or  other.  As  for  her  part,  she  would  be 
very  ready  to  befriend  me,  but  she  had  a  small 
family  of  her  own  to  maintain.  The  world  would 
do  nothing  for  her  if  she  should  come  to  want  — 
charity  begins  at  home.  She  wished  I  had  been 
bound  to  some  substantial  handicraft,  such  as  a 
weaver,  or  a  shoemaker,  rather  than  loiter  away 
[41] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

my  time  in  learning  foolish  nonsense  that  would 
never  bring  me  in  a  penny  —  but  some  folks  are 
wise,  and  some  are  otherwise.  I  was  listening  to 
this  mysterious  discourse  with  great  amazement, 
when  her  husband  entered,  and,  without  speaking 
a  syllable,  put  both  the  letters  into  my  hand.  I 
received  them  trembling,  and  read  what  follows  :  — 

To  MR.  ROGER  POTION. 

"  SIR,  —  This  is  to  let  you  know  that  I  have  quitted 
the  Thunder  man  of  war,  being  obliged  to  sheer  off,  for 
killing  my  captain,  which  I  did  fairly  on  the  beach  at 
Cape  Tiberoon,  in  the  island  of  Hispaniola ;  having  re- 
ceived his  fire,  and  returned  it,  which  went  through  his 
body.  And  I  would  serve  the  best  man  so  that  ever 
stept  between  stem  and  stern,  if  so  be  that  he  struck 
me,  as  Captain  Oakum  did.  I  am,  thank  God,  safe 
among  the  French,  who  are  very  civil,  tho'  I  don't 
understand  their  lingo :  and  I  hope  to  be  restored  in 
a  little  time,  for  all  the  great  friends  and  parliamentary 
interest  of  the  captain,  for  I  have  sent  over  to  my  land- 
lord in  Deal  an  account  of  the  whole  affair,  with  our 
bearings  and  distances  while  we  were  engaged,  whereby 
I  have  desired  him  to  lay  it  before  his  Majesty,  who 
(God  bless  him)  will  not  suffer  an  honest  tar  to  be 
wronged.  My  love  to  your  spouse,  and  am 

"  Your  loving  friend  and  servant  to  command,  while 

"  THOMAS  BOWLING." 

To  RODERICK  RANDOM. 

"  DEAR  RORY,  —  Don't  be  grieved  at  my  misfortune  ; 
but  mind  your  book,  my  lad.     I  have  got  no  money  to 
[42] 


IS    LEFT    DESTITUTE 

send  you  ;  but  what  of  that  ?  —  Mr.  Potion  will  take 
care  of  you,  for  the  love  he  bears  me,  and  let  you  want 
for  nothing,  and  it  shall  go  hard  but  I  will  see  him  one 
day  repaid.  No  more  at  present,  but  rests 

"  Your  dutiful  uncle  and  servant  till  death, 
"  THOMAS  BOWLING." 

This  letter,  which  with  the  other  was  dated  from 
Port  Louis  in  Hispaniola,  I  had  no  sooner  read,  than 
the  apothecary,  shaking  his  head,  began  :  "  I  have  a 
very  great  regard  for  Mr.  Bowling,  that 's  certain,  — 
and  could  be  well  content  —  but  times  are  very  hard. 
There 's  no  such  thing  as  money  to  be  got  —  I  be- 
lieve 't  is  all  vanished  under  ground,  for  my  part. 
Besides,  I  have  been  out  of  pocket  already,  having 
entertained  you  since  the  beginning  of  this  month 
without  receiving  a  sixpence,  —  and  God  knows  if 
ever  I  shall ;  —  for  I  believe  it  will  go  hard  with  your 
uncle.  And  more  than  that,  I  was  thinking  of  giv- 
ing you  warning,  for  I  want  your  apartment  for  a 
new  'prentice,  whom  I  expect  from  the  country  every 
hour.  So  I  desire  you  will  this  week  provide  your- 
self with  another  lodging." 

The  indignation  which  this  harangue  inspired, 
gave  me  spirits  to  support  my  reverse  of  fortune,  and 
to  tell  him,  I  despised  his  mean  selfish  disposition  so 
much,  that  I  would  starve  rather  than  be  beholden 
to  him  for  one  single  meal.  Upon  which,  out  of  my 
pocket-money,  I  paid  him  to  the  last  farthing  of 
[43] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

what  I  owed,  and  assured  him  I  would  not  sleep 
another  night  under  his  roof.  This  said,  I  sallied 
out  in  a  transport  of  rage  and  sorrow,  without  know- 
ing whither  to  fly  for  shelter,  having  not  one  friend 
in  the  world  capable  of  relieving  me,  and  only  three 
shillings  in  my  purse.  After  giving  way  for  a  few 
minutes  to  the  dictates  of  my  rage,  I  went  and  hired 
a  small  bedroom,  at  the  rate  of  one  shilling  and  six- 
pence per  week,  which  I  was  obliged  to  pay  per  ad- 
vance, before  the  landlord  would  receive  me.  Thither 
I  removed  my  luggage ;  and  next  morning  got  up, 
with  a  view  of  craving  the  advice  and  assistance  of  a 
person  who  had  on  all  occasions  loaded  me  with 
caresses,  and  made  frequent  offers  of  friendship,  while 
I  was  under  no  necessity  of  accepting  them.  He 
received  me  with  his  wonted  affability,  and  insisted  on 
my  breakfasting  with  him  —  a  favour  which  I  did  not 
think  fit  to  refuse.  But,  when  I  communicated  the 
occasion  of  my  visit,  he  appeared  so  disconcerted,  that 
I  concluded  him  wonderfully  affected  with  the  misery 
of  my  condition,  and  looked  upon  him  as  a  man  of  the 
most  extensive  sympathy  and  benevolence.  He  did 
not  leave  me  long  under  this  mistake ;  for,  recovering 
himself  from  his  confusion,  he  told  me,  he  was  grieved 
at  my  misfortune,  and  desired  to  know  what  had 
passed  between  my  landlord  Mr.  Potion  and  me. 
Whereupon  I  recounted  the  conversation ;  and  when 
I  repeated  the  answer  I  made  to  his  ungenerous 
[44] 


REVENGE    ON    GAWKY 

remonstrance  with  regard  to  my  leaving  his  house, 
this  pretended  friend  affected  a  stare,  and  exclaimed, 
"  Is  it  possible  you  could  behave  so  ill  to  the  man 
who  had  treated  you  so  kindly  all  along  I "  My  sur- 
prise at  hearing  this  was  not  at  all  affected,  whatever 
his  might  be;  and  I  gave  him  to  understand,  with 
some  warmth,  that  I  did  not  imagine  he  would  so 
unreasonably  espouse  the  cause  of  a  scoundrel,  who 
ought  to  be  expelled  from  every  social  community. 
This  heat  of  mine  gave  him  all  the  advantage  he 
desired  over  me,  and  our  discourse,  after  much  alter- 
cation, concluded  in  his  desiring  never  to  see  me 
again  in  that  place;  to  which  desire  I  yielded  my 
consent,  assuring  him,  that  had  I  been  as  well  ac- 
quainted with  his  principles  formerly  as  I  was  now, 
he  never  should  have  had  an  opportunity  of  making 
that  request ;  —  and  thus  we  parted. 

On  my  return  I  met  my  comrade,  Squire  Gawky, 
whom  his  father  had  sent,  some  time  ago,  to  town 
for  his  improvement  in  writing,  dancing,  fencing,  and 
other  modish  qualifications.  As  I  had  lived  with 
him,  since  his  arrival,  on  the  footing  of  our  old  inti- 
macy, I  made  no  scruple  of  informing  him  of  the 
lowness  of  my  circumstances,  and  asking  a  small 
supply  of  money,  to  answer  my  present  expense; 
upon  which  he  pulled  out  a  handful  of  halfpence, 
with  a  shilling  or  two  among  them,  and  swore  that 
was  all  he  had  to  keep  his  pocket  till  next  quarter* 
[45] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

day,  he  having  lost  the  greatest  part  of  his  allowance 
the  night  before  at  billiards.  Though  this  assertion 
might  very  well  be  true,  I  was  extremely  mortified  at 
his  indifference;  for  he  neither  expressed  any  sym- 
pathy for  my  mishap,  nor  desire  of  alleviating  my 
distress;  and  accordingly  I  left  him  without  utter- 
ing one  word.  But,  when .  I  afterwards  understood 
that  he  was  the  person  who  had  formerly  betrayed 
me  to  the  malice  of  my  cousins,  to  whom  likewise  he 
had  carried  the  tidings  of  my  forlorn  situation,  which 
afforded  them  great  matter  of  triumph  and  exulta- 
tion, I  determined  with  myself  to  call  him  to  a  severe 
account ;  for  which  purpose  I  borrowed  a  sword,  and 
wrote  a  challenge,  desiring  him  to  meet  me  at  a  cer- 
tain time  and  place,  that  I  might  have  an  opportunity 
of  punishing  his  perfidy,  at  the  expense  of  his  blood. 
He  accepted  the  invitation ;  and  I  betook  myself  to 
the  field,  though  not  without  feeling  considerable 
repugnance  to  the  combat,  which  frequently  attacked 
me  in  cold  sweats  by  the  way  :  but  the  desire  of 
revenge,  the  shame  of  retracting,  and  hope  of  con- 
quest, conspired  to  repel  these  unmanly  symptoms  of 
fear ;  and  I  appeared  on  the  plain  with  a  good  grace. 
There  I  waited  an  hour  beyond  the  time  appointed, 
and  was  not  ill-pleased  to  find  he  had  no  mind  to 
meet  me ;  because  I  should  have  an  opportunity  of 
exposing  his  cowardice,  displaying  my  own  courage, 
and  of  beating  him  soundly  wheresoever  I  should 
[46] 


REVENGE    ON    GAWKY 

find  him,  without  any  dread  of  the  consequence. 
Elevated  with  these  suggestions,  which  entirely  ban- 
ished all  thoughts  of  my  deplorable  condition,  I  went 
directly  to  Gaw ley's  lodgings,  where  I  was  informed 
of  his  precipitate  retreat,  he  having  set  out  for  the 
country  in  less  than  an  hour  after  he  had  received 
my  billet :  and  I  was  vain  enough  to  have  the  whole 
story  inserted  in  the  news,  although  I  was  fain  to 
sell  a  gold-laced  hat  to  my  landlord,  for  less  than 
half  price,  to  defray  the  expense,  and  contribute  to 
my  subsistence. 


[47  J 


CHAPTER    SEVEN 


I    AM    ENTERTAINED    BY    MR.    CRAB A    DESCRIPTION    OF 

HIM 1    ACQUIRE    THE    ART    OF    SURGERY CON- 
SULT CRAB'S  DISPOSITION  —  BECOME  NECESSARY  TO 

HIM AN     ACCIDENT    HAPPENS HE    ADVISES    ME 

TO    LAUNCH     OUT    INTO    THE     WORLD ASSISTS     ME 

WITH    MONEY 1    SET    OUT    FOR    LONDON. 


^"  "^HE  fumes  of  my  resentment  being  dissi- 
pated, as  well  as  the  vanity  of  my  success, 
I  found  myself  deserted  to  all  the  horrors 
"^^  of  extreme  want,  and  avoided  by  mankind 
as  a  creature  of  a  different  species,  or  rather  as  a  soli- 
tary being,  no  ways  comprehended  within  the  scheme 
or  protection  of  Providence.  My  despair  had  ren- 
dered me  almost  quite  stupefied,  when  I  was  one  day 
told  that  a  gentleman  desired  to  see  me  at  a  certain 
public-house,  whither  immediately  I  repaired,  and 
was  introduced  to  one  Mr.  Launcelot  Crab,  a  surgeon 
in  town,  who  was  engaged  with  two  more  in  drinking 
a  liquor  called  pop-in,  composed  by  mixing  a  quartern 
of  brandy  with  a  quart  of  small  beer.  Before  I 
relate  the  occasion  of  this  message,  I  believe  it  will 
not  be  disagreeable  to  the  reader  if  I  describe  the 

[*] 


ENTERTAINED    BY    MR.   CRAB 

gentleman  who  sent  for  me,  and  mention  some  cir- 
cumstances of  his  character  and  conduct,  which  may 
illustrate  what  follows,  and  account  for  his  behaviour 
to  me. 

This  member  of  the  faculty  was  aged  fifty,  about 
five  feet  high,  and  ten  round  the  belly ;  his  face  was 
capacious  as  a  full  moon,  and  much  of  the  complexion 
of  a  mulberry ;  his  nose,  resembling  a  powder-horn, 
was  swelled  to  an  enormous  size,  and  studded  all  over 
with  carbuncles ;  and  his  little  grey  eyes  reflected  the 
rays  in  such  an  oblique  manner,  that,  while  he  looked 
a  person  full  in  the  face,  one  would  have  imagined  he 
was  admiring  the  buckle  of  his  shoe.  He  had  long 
entertained  an  implacable  resentment  against  Potion, 
who,  though  a  young  practitioner,  was  better  em- 
ployed than  he,  and  once  had  the  assurance  to  per- 
form a  cure  whereby  he  disappointed  and  disgraced 
the  prognostic  of  the  said  Crab.  This  quarrel,  which 
was  at  one  time  upon  the  point  of  being  made  up  by 
the  interposition  and  mediation  of  friends,  had  been 
lately  inflamed  beyond  a  possibility  of  reconciliation 
by  the  respective  wives  of  the  opponents,  who,  chanc- 
ing to  meet  at  a  christening,  disagreed  about  pre- 
cedence, proceeded  from  invectives  to  blows,  and 
were,  with  great  difficulty,  by  the  gossips,  prevented 
from  converting  the  occasion  of  joy  into  a  scene  of 
lamentation. 

The  difference  between  these  rivals   was  in  the 

VOL.  I.  —  4  [   49   j 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

height  of  rancour,  when  I  received  the  message  of 
Crab,  who  received  me  as  civilly  as  I  could  have 
expected  from  one  of  his  disposition ;  and,  after 
desiring  me  to  sit,  inquired  into  the  particulars  of 
my  leaving  the  house  of  Potion ;  which,  when  I  had 
related,  he  said  with  a  malicious  grin,  "  There 's  a 
sneaking  dog !  —  I  always  thought  him  a  fellow 
without  a  soul,  d — n  me !  —  a  canting  scoundrel,  who 
has  crept  into  business  by  his  hypocrisy,  and  kissing 
the  a — se  of  everybody."  "  Aye,  aye,"  says  another, 
"  one  might  see  with  half  an  eye  that  the  rascal  has 
no  honesty  in  him,  by  his  going  so  regularly  to 
church."  This  sentence  was  confirmed  by  a  third, 
who  assured  his  companions,  that  Potion  was  never 
known  to  be  disguised  in  liquor  but  once,  at  a  meet- 
ing of  the  godly,  where  he  had  distinguished  himself 
by  an  extempore  prayer  an  hour  long.  After  this 
preamble,  Crab  addressed  himself  to  me  in  these 
words :  "  Well,  my  lad,  I  have  heard  a  good  charac- 
ter of  you,  and  I  '11  do  for  you.  You  may  send  your 
things  to  my  house  when  you  please.  I  have  given 
orders  for  your  reception.  Zounds !  what  does  the 
booby  stare  at  ?  —  If  you  have  no  mind  to  embrace 
my  courteous  offer,  you  may  let  it  alone,  and  be 
d — d."  I  answered,  with  a  submissive  bow,  that  I 
was  far  from  rejecting  his  friendly  offer,  which  I 
would  immediately  accept,  as  soon  as  he  should  in- 
form me  on  what  footing  I  was  to  be  entertained. 
[50] 


ENTERTAINED    BY    MR.   CRAB 

"  What  footing !  d — n  my  blood,"  cried  he  ;  "  d1  ye 
expect  to  have  a  footman  and  a  couple  of  horses 
kept  for  you  ?  "  "  No,  sir,"  I  replied,  "  my  expecta- 
tions are  not  quite  so  sanguine.  That  I  may  be  as 
little  burdensome  as  possible,  I  would  willingly  serve 
in  your  shop,  by  which  means  I  may  save  you  the 
expense  of  a  journeyman,  or  porter  at  least,  for  I 
understand  a  little  pharmacy,  having  employed  some 
of  my  leisure  hours  in  the  practice  of  that  art  while  I 
lived  with  Mr.  Potion  :  neither  am  I  altogether  igno- 
rant of  surgery,  which  I  have  studied  with  great 
pleasure  and  application."  "  Oho  !  you  did  ?  "  says 
Crab.  "  Gentlemen,  here  is  a  complete  artist !  — 
Studied  surgery !  what  ?  in  books,  I  suppose.  I  shall 
have  you  disputing  with  me  one  of  these  days  on 
points  of  my  profession.  You  can  already  account 
for  muscular  motion,  I  warrant,  and  explain  the 
mystery  of  the  brain  and  nerves  —  ha?  You  are 
too  learned  for  me,  d — n  me.  But  let's  hear  no 
more  of  this  stuff.  Can  you  bleed  and  give  a  clyster, 
spread  a  plaster,  and  prepare  a  potion  ?  "  Upon  my 
answering  in  the  affirmative  he  shook  his  head,  tell- 
ing me  he  believed  he  should  have  little  good  of 
me,  for  all  my  promises;  but,  however,  he  would 
take  me  in  for  the  sake  of  charity. 

I  was  accordingly  that  very  night  admitted  to  his 
house,  and  had  an  apartment  assigned  to  me  in  the 
garret,  which  I  was  fain  to  put  up  with,  notwith- 
[51] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

i 

standing  the  mortification  my  pride  suffered  in 
this  change  of  circumstances.  I  was  soon  convinced 
of  the  real  motives  which  induced  Crab  to  receive  me 
in  this  manner;  for,  besides  the  gratification  of  his 
revenge,  by  exposing  the  selfishness  of  his  antago- 
nist in  opposition  to  his  own  generosity,  which  was 
all  affectation,  he  had  occasion  for  a  young  man  who 
understood  something  of  the  profession,  to  fill  up 
the  place  of  his  eldest  apprentice,  lately  dead,  not 
without  violent  suspicion  of  foul  play  from  his  mas- 
ter's brutality.  The  knowledge  of  this  circumstance, 
together  with  his  daily  behaviour  to  his  wife  and  the 
young  apprentice,  did  not  at  all  contribute  to  my 
enjoying  my  new  situation  with  ease ;  however,  as  I 
did  not  perceive  how  I  could  bestow  myself  to  better 
advantage,  I  resolved  to  study  Crab's  temper  with  all 
the  application,  and  manage  it  with  all  the  address, 
in  my  power.  And  it  was  not  long  before  I  found 
out  a  strange  peculiarity  of  humour,  which  governed 
his  behaviour  towards  all  his  dependents.  I  observed, 
when  he  was  pleased,  he  was  such  a  niggard  of  his 
satisfaction,  that,  if  his  wife  or  servants  betrayed  the 
least  symptom  of  participation,  he  was  offended  to  an 
insupportable  degree  of  choler  and  fury,  the  effects 
of  which  they  seldom  failed  to  feel.  And,  when  his 
indignation  was  roused,  submission  and  soothing 
always  exasperated  it  beyond  the  bounds  of  reason 
and  humanity.  I  therefore  pursued  a  contrary  plan  j 
[52] 


CRAB'S    DISPOSITION 

and  one  day,  when  he  honoured  me  with  the  names 
of  ignorant  whelp,  and  lazy  ragamuffin,  I  boldly 
replied,  "  I  was  neither  ignorant  nor  lazy,  since  I 
both  understood  and  performed  my  business  as  well 
as  he  could  do  for  his  soul ;  neither  was  it  just  to 
call  me  ragamuffin,  for  I  had  a  whole  coat  on  my 
back,  and  was  descended  from  a  better  family  than 
any  he  could  boast  an  alliance  with.11  He  gave 
tokens  of  great  amazement  at  this  assurance  of  mine, 
and  shook  his  cane  over  my  head,  regarding  me  all 
the  time  with  a  countenance  truly  diabolical.  Al- 
though I  was  terribly  startled  at  his  menacing  looks 
and  posture,  I  yet  had  reflection  enough  left  to  con- 
vince me  I  had  gone  too  far  to  retract,  and  that  this 
was  the  critical  minute  which  must  decide  my  future 
lot  in  his  service :  I  therefore  snatched  up  the  pestle 
of  a  mortar,  and  swore,  if  he  offered  to  strike  me 
without  a  cause,  I  should  see  whether  his  skull  or 
my  weapon  was  hardest.  He  continued  silent  for 
some  time,  and  at  last  broke  forth  into  these  ejacu- 
lations :  "  This  is  fine  usage  from  a  servant  to  a  mas- 
ter, —  very  fine !  —  d— tion  !  —  but  no  matter,  you 
shall  pay  for  this,  you  dog,  you  shall.  I  '11  do  your 
business  —  yes,  yes,  1 11  teach  you  to  lift  your  hand 
against  me.11  So  saying,  he  retired,  and  left  me 
under  dreadful  apprehensions,  which  vanished  en- 
tirely at  our  next  meeting,  when  he  behaved  with 
unusual  complacency,  and  treated  me  with  a  glass  of 
[53] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

punch  after  dinner.  By  this  conduct  I  got  the  as- 
cendency over  him  in  a  short  time,  and  became  so 
necessary  to  him,  in  managing  his  business  while 
he  was  engaged  at  the  bottle,  that  fortune  began 
to  wear  a  kinder  aspect ;  and  I  consoled  myself  for 
the  disregard  of  my  former  acquaintance  with  the 
knowledge  I  daily  imbibed,  by  a  close  application  to 
the  duties  of  my  employment,  in  which  I  succeeded 
beyond  my  own  expectation.  I  was  on  very  good 
terms  with  my  master's  wife,  whose  esteem  I  acquired 
and  cultivated,  by  representing  Mrs.  Potion  in  the 
most  ridiculous  lights  my  satirical  talents  could 
invent,  as  well  as  by  rendering  her  some  Christian 
offices  when  she  had  been  too  familiar  with  the  dram 
bottle,  to  which  she  had  oftentimes  recourse  for  con- 
solation under  the  affliction  she  suffered  from  her 
barbarous  husband. 

In  this  manner  I  lived,  without  hearing  the  least 
tidings  of  my  uncle,  for  the  space  of  two  years,  dur- 
ing which  time  I  kept  little  or  no  company,  being 
neither  in  a  humour  to  relish,  nor  in  a  capacity  to 
maintain  much  acquaintance :  for  the  Nabal,  my 
master,  allowed  me  no  wages;  and  the  small  per- 
quisites of  my  station  scarce  supplied  me  with  the 
common  necessaries  of  life.  I  was  no  longer  a  pert 
unthinking  coxcomb,  giddy  with  popular  applause, 
and  elevated  with  the  extravagance  of  hope :  my  mis- 
fortunes had  taught  me  how  little  the  caresses  of  the 
[54] 


AN    ACCIDENT    HAPPENS 

world,  during  a  man's  prosperity,  are  to  be  valued  by 
him ;  and  how  seriously  and  expeditiously  he  ought 
to  set  about  making  himself  independent  of  them. 
My  present  appearance,  therefore,  was  the  least  of 
my  care,  which  was  wholly  engrossed  in  laying  up  a 
stock  of  instruction  that  might  secure  me  against  the 
caprice  of  fortune  for  the  future.  I  became  such  a 
sloven,  and  contracted  such  an  air  of  austerity,  that 
everybody  pronounced  me  crestfallen ;  and  Gawky 
returned  to  town,  without  running  any  risk  from  my 
resentment,  which  was  by  this  time  pretty  much 
cooled,  and  restrained  by  prudential  reasons  so  effect- 
ually, that  I  never  so  much  as  thought  of  obtaining 
satisfaction  for  the  injuries  he  had  done  me.  When 
I  deemed  myself  sufficiently  master  of  my  business,  I 
began  to  cast  about  for  an  opportunity  of  launching 
into  the  world,  in  hope  of  finding  some  provision 
that  might  make  amends  for  the  difficulties  I  had 
undergone :  but,  as  this  could  not  be  effected  without 
a  small  sum  of  money  to  equip  me  for  the  field,  I 
was  in  the  utmost  perplexity  how  to  raise  it,  well 
knowing  that  Crab,  for  his  own  sake,  would  never 
put  me  in  a  condition  to  leave  him,  when  his  interest 
was  so  much  concerned  in  my  stay.  But  a  small 
accident  which  happened  about  this  time  determined 
him  in  my  favour.  This  was  no  other  than  the 
pregnancy  of  his  maid-servant,  who  declared  her 
situation  to  me,  assuring  me,  at  the  same  time,  that 
[55] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

I  was  the  occasion  of  it.  Although  I  had  no  reason 
to  question  the  truth  of  this  imputation,  I  was  not 
ignorant  of  the  familiarities  which  had  passed  between 
her  master  and  her;  taking  the  advantage  of  which 
I  represented  to  her  the  folly  of  laying  the  burden 
at  my  door,  when  she  might  dispose  of  it  to  much 
better  purpose  with  Mr.  Crab.  She  listened  to  my 
advice,  and  next  day  acquainted  him  with  the  pre- 
tended success  of  their  mutual  endeavours.  He  was 
far  from  being  overjoyed  at  this  proof  of  his  vigour, 
which  he  foresaw  might  have  very  troublesome  con- 
sequences ;  not  that  he  dreaded  any  domestic  grum- 
blings and  reproaches  from  his  wife,  whom  he  kept  in 
perfect  subjection ;  but  because  he  knew  it  would 
furnish  his  rival  Potion  with  a  handle  for  insulting 
and  undermining  his  reputation;  there  being  no 
scandal  equal  to  that  of  uncleanness  in  the  opinion 
of  those  who  inhabit  the  part  of  the  island  where  he 
lived.  He,  therefore,  took  a  resolution  worthy  of 
himself;  which  was,  to  persuade  the  girl  that  she 
was  not  with  child,  but  only  afflicted  with  a  dis- 
order incident  to  young  women,  which  he  would 
easily  remove.  With  this  view,  as  he  pretended,  he 
prescribed  for  her  such  medicines  as  he  thought 
would  infallibly  procure  abortion ;  but  in  this  scheme 
he  was  disappointed ;  for  the  maid,  being  advertised 
by  me  of  his  design,  and  at  the  same  time  well 
acquainted  with  her  own  condition,  absolutely  refused 
[56] 


to  follow  his  directions ;  and  threatened  to  publish 
her  situation  to  the  world,  if  he  would  not  immedi- 
ately take  some  method  of  providing  for  the  import- 
ant occasion,  which  she  expected  in  a  few  months. 
It  was  not  long  before  I  guessed  the  result  of  his 
deliberation,  by  his  addressing  himself  to  me,  one 
day,  in  this  manner :  "  I  am  surprised  that  a  young 
fellow  like  you  discovers  no  inclination  to  push  his 
fortune  in  the  world.  Before  I  was  of  your  age  I  was 
broiling  on  the  coast  of  Guinea.  —  D — me !  what 's 
to  hinder  you  from  profiting  by  the  war  which  will 
certainly  be  declared  in  a  short  time  against  Spain  ? 
You  may  easily  get  on  board  of  a  king's  ship  in 
quality  of  a  surgeon's  mate ;  where  you  will  certainly 
see  a  great  deal  of  practice,  and  stand  a  good  chance 
of  getting  prize-money.1"  I  laid  hold  of  this  declara- 
tion, which  I  had  long  wished  for,  and  assured  him  I 
would  follow  his  advice  with  pleasure,  if  it  was  in  my 
power ;  but  that  it  was  impossible  for  me  to  embrace 
an  opportunity  of  that  kind,  as  I  had  no  friend  to 
advance  a  little  money  to  supply  me  with  what  neces- 
saries I  should  want,  and  defray  the  expenses  of  my 
journey  to  London.  He  told  me  that  few  necessaries 
were  required ;  and  as  for  the  expense  of  my  journey, 
he  would  lend  me  money  sufficient  not  only  for  that 
purpose,  but  also  to  maintain  me  comfortably  in 
London  until  I  should  procure  a  warrant  for  my  pro- 
vision on  board  of  some  ship.  I  gave  him  a  thousand 
[57] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

thanks  for  his  obliging  offer  (although  I  was  very 
well  apprised  of  his  motive,  which  Avas  no  other  than 
a  design  to  lay  the  bastard  to  my  charge  after  my 
departure),  and  accordingly  set  out  in  a  few  weeks 
for  London,  my  whole  fortune  consisting  of  one  suit 
of  clothes,  half  a  dozen  of  ruffled  shirts,  as  many 
plain,  two  pair  of  worsted,  and  a  like  number  of 
thread  stockings,  a  case  of  pocket  instruments,  a 
small  edition  of  Horace,  Wiseman's  Surgery,  and  ten 
guineas  in  cash,  for  which  Crab  took  my  bond,  bear- 
ing five  per  cent,  interest;  at  the  same  time  [he] 
gave  me  a  letter  to  the  member  of  parliament  for 
our  town,  which,  he  said,  would  do  my  business 
effectually. 


158] 


CHAPTER    EIGHT 

I  ARRIVE  AT  NEWCASTLE MEET  WITH  MY  OLD  SCHOOL- 
FELLOW STRAP WE  DETERMINE  TO  WALK  TO- 
GETHER TO  LONDON SET  OUT  ON  OUR  JOURNEY 

—  PUT   UP    AT   A    SOLITARY    ALE-HOUSE ARE    DIS- 
TURBED   BY  A    STRANGE    ADVENTURE    IN    THE  NIGHT. 


f"  ""^HERE  is  no  such  convenience  as  a  waggon 
in  this  country,  and  my  finances  were  too 
weak  to  support  the  expense  of  hiring  a 
"^^  horse ;  I  determined  therefore  to  set  out 
with  the  carriers,  who  transport  goods  from  one  place 
to  another  on  horseback ;  and  this  scheme  I  accord- 
ingly put  in  execution  on  the  first  day  of  November 
1739,  sitting  upon  a  pack-saddle  between  two  baskets, 
one  of  which  contained  my  goods  in  a  knapsack. 
But,  by  the  time  we  arrived  at  Newcastle-upon-Tyne, 
I  was  so  fatigued  with  the  tediousness  of  the  carriage, 
and  benumbed  with  the  coldness  of  the  weather, 
that  I  resolved  to  travel  the  rest  of  my  journey  on 
foot,  rather  than  proceed  in  such  a  disagreeable 
manner. 

The  hostler  of  the  inn  at  which  we  put  up,  under- 
standing I  was  bound  for  London,  advised  me  to  take 
[59] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

my  passage  in  a  collier,  which  would  be  both  cheap 
and  expeditious,  and  withal  much  easier  than  to  walk 
upwards  of  three  hundred  miles  through  deep  roads 
in  the  winter  time ;  a  journey  which,  he  believed,  I 
had  not  strength  enough  to  perform.  I  was  almost 
persuaded  to  take  his  advice,  when,  one  day,  stepping 
into  a  barber's  shop  to  be  shaved,  the  young  man, 
while  he  lathered  my  face,  accosted  me  thus :  "  Sir,  I 
presume  you  are  a  Scotchman."  I  answered  in  the 
affirmative.  "  Pray,"  continued  he,  "  from  what  part 
of  Scotland  ?  "  —  I  no  sooner  told  him,  than  he  dis- 
covered great  emotion,  and  not  confining  his  operation 
to  my  chin  and  upper  lip,  besmeared  my  whole  face 
with  great  agitation.  I  was  so  offended  at  this  pro- 
fusion, that,  starting  up,  I  asked  him  what  the  d — 1 
he  meant  by  using  me  so  ?  He  begged  pardon,  tell- 
ing me  his  joy  at  meeting  with  a  countryman  had 
occasioned  some  confusion  in  him ;  and  craved  my 
name.  But  when  I  declared  my  name  was  Random, 
he  exclaimed  in  a  rapture,  "  How  !  Rory  Random  ?  " 
"  The  same,"  I  replied,  looking  at  him  with  astonish- 
ment. "  What,"  cried  he,  "  don't  you  know  your  old 
schoolfellow,  Hugh  Strap  ?  "  At  that  instant,  recol- 
lecting his  face,  I  flew  into  his  arms,  and  in  the  trans- 
port of  my  joy,  gave  him  back  one  half  of  the  suds 
he  had  so  lavishly  bestowed  on  my  countenance ;  so 
that  we  made  a  very  ludicrous  appearance,  and  fur- 
nished a  great  deal  of  mirth  for  his  master  and  shop- 
[60] 


MEETS    WITH    STRAP 

mates,  who  were  witnesses  of  this  scene.  When  our 
mutual  caresses  were  over,  I  sat  down  again  to  be 
shaved ;  but  the  poor  fellow's  nerves  were  so  discom- 
posed by  this  unexpected  meeting,  that  his  hand 
could  scarcely  hold  the  razor,  with  which,  neverthe- 
less, he  found  means  to  cut  me  in  three  places,  in  as 
many  strokes.  His  master,  perceiving  his  disorder, 
bade  another  supply  his  place,  and  after  the  operation 
was  performed,  gave  Strap  leave  to  pass  the  rest  of 
the  day  with  me.  We  retired  immediately  to  my 
lodgings,  where,  calling  for  some  beer,  I  desired  to 
be  informed  of  his  adventures,  which  contained  noth- 
ing more,  than  that  his  master  dying  before  his  time 
was  out,  he  had  come  to  Newcastle  about  a  year  ago, 
in  expectation  of  journey-work,  along  with  three 
young  fellows  of  his  acquaintance,  who  worked  in 
the  keels ;  that  he  had';  the  good  fortune  of  being 
employed  by  a  very  civil  master,  with  whom  he  in- 
tended to  stay  till  the  spring,  at  which  time  he  pro- 
posed to  go  to  London,  "where  he  did  not  doubt  of 
finding  encouragement.  When  I  communicated  to 
him  my  situation  and  design,  he  did  not  approve  of 
my  taking  a  passage  by  sea,  by  reason  of  the  danger 
of  a  winter  voyage,  which  is  very  hazardous  along 
that  coast,  as  well  as  the  precariousness  of  the  wind, 
which  might  possibly  detain;  me  a  great  while,  to  the 
no  small  detriment  of  my  fortune.  Whereas,  if  I 
would  venture  by  land,  he  would  bear  me  company, 
[61] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

carry  my  baggage  all  the  way,  and,  if  we  should  be 
fatigued  before  we  could  perform  all  the  journey,  it 
would  be  no  hard  matter  for  us  to  find  on  the  road 
either  returning  horses  or  waggons,  of  which  we  might 
take  the  advantage  for  a  very  trifling  expense.  I  was 
so  ravished  at  this  proposal,  that  I  embraced  him  affec- 
tionately, and  assured  him  he  might  command  my 
purse  to  the  last  farthing :  but  he  gave  me  to  under- 
stand, he  had  saved  money  sufficient  to  answer  his 
own  occasions ;  and  that  he  had  a  friend  in  London, 
who  would  soon  introduce  him  into  business  in  that 
capital,  and  might  possibly  have  it  in  his  power  to 
serve  me  also. 

Having  concerted  the  plan  and  settled  our  affairs 
that  night,  we  departed  next  morning  by  daybreak, 
armed  with  a  good  cudgel  each  (my  companion  being 
charged  with  the  furniture  of  us  both,  crammed  into 
one  knapsack),  and  our  money  sewed  between  the 
lining  and  waistband  of  our  breeches,  except  some 
loose  silver  for  our  immediate  expense  on  the  road. 
We  travelled  all  day  at  a  round  pace,  but,  being 
ignorant  of  the  proper  stages,  were  benighted  at  a 
good  distance  from  any  inn,  so  that  we  were 
compelled  to  take  up  our  lodging  at  a  small  hedge 
ale-house,  that  stood  on  a  by-road,  about  half  a  mile 
from  the  highway.  There  we  found  a  pedlar  of  our 
own  country,  in  whose  company  we  regaled  our- 
selves with  bacon  and  eggss  and  a  glass  of  good 


ale,  before  a  comfortable  fire,  conversing  all  the 
while  very  sociably  with  the  landlord  and  his 
daughter,  an  hale  buxom  lass,  who  entertained  us 
with  great  good  humour,  and  in  whose  affection  I  was 
vain  enough  to  believe  I  had  made  some  progress. 
About  eight  o'clock,  we  were  all  three,  at  our  own 
desire,  shown  into  an  apartment,  furnished  with  two 
beds,  in  one  of  which  Strap  and  I  betook  ourselves 
to  rest,  and  the  pedlar  occupied  the  other,  though 
not  before  he  had  prayed  a  considerable  time  extem- 
pore^ searched  into  every  corner  of  the  room,  and 
fastened  the  door  on  the  inside  with  a  strong  iron 
screw,  which  he  carried  about  with  him  for  that  use. 
I  slept  very  sound  till  midnight,  when  I  was  disturbed 
by  a  violent  motion  of  the  bed,  which  shook  under 
me  with  a  continual  tremor.  Alarmed  at  this  phe- 
nomenon, I  jogged  my  companion,  whom,  to  my  no 
small  amazement,  I  found  drenched  in  sweat,  and 
quaking  through  every  limb  ;  he  told  me,  with  a  low 
faltering  voice,  that  we  were  undone ;  for  there  was 
a  bloody  highwayman  loaded  with  pistols  in  the  next 
room ;  then  bidding  me  make  as  little  noise  as 
possible,  he  directed  me  to  a  small  chink  in  the  board 
partition,  through  which  I  could  see  a  thick-set 
brawny  fellow,  with  a  fierce  countenance,  sitting  at 
a  table  with  our  young  landlady,  having  a  bottle  of 
ale  and  a  brace  of  pistols  before  him.  I  listened  with 
great  attention,  and  heard  him  say  in  a  terrible  tone : 
[63] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

"  D — n  that  son  of  a  bitch,  Smack,  the  coachman  ;  — 
he  has  served  me  a  fine  trick,  indeed !  —  but  d — tion 
seize  me,  if  I  don't  make  him  repent  it !  I  '11  teach 
the  scoundrel  to  give  intelligence  to  others,  while  he 
is  under  articles  with  me."" 

Our  landlady  endeavoured  to  appease  this  exasper- 
ated robber,  by  saying  he  might  be  mistaken  in 
Smack,  who  perhaps  kept  no  correspondence  with  the 
other  gentleman  that  robbed  his  coach ;  and  that,  if 
an  accident  had  disappointed  him  to-day,  he  might 
soon  find  opportunity  enough  to  atone  for  his  lost 
trouble.  "  I  '11  tell  thee  what,  my  dear  Beit,"  replied 
he,  "  I  never  had,  nor  ever  will,  while  my  name  is 
Rifle,  have  such  a  glorious  booty  as  I  missed  to-day. 

—  Zounds !  there  was  four  hundred  pounds  in  cash 
to  recruit  men  for  the    king's  service,   besides  the 
jewels,  watches,  swords,  and  money  belonging  to  the 
passengers;  —  had  it  been  my  fortune  to  have  got 
clear  off  with  so  much  treasure,  I  would  have  pur- 
chased a  commission  in  the  army,  and  made  you  an 
officer's  lady,  you  jade,   I  would."      "Well,   well," 
cries  Betty,  "  we  must  trust  to  Providence  for  that ; 

—  but  did  you   find  nothing  worth  taking,   which 
escaped  the  other  gentleman  of  the  road?"     "Not 
much,  faith,"  said  the  lover ;  "  I  gleaned  a  few  things, 
such  as  a  pair  of  pops,  silver  mounted,  (here  they 
are ;)  I  took  them  loaded  from  the  captain  who  had 
the  charge  of  the  money,  together  with  a  gold  watch, 

[64] 


A    NIGHT    ADVENTURE 

which  he  had  concealed  in  his  breeches.  I  likewise 
found  ten  Portugal  pieces  in  the  shoes  of  a  Quaker, 
whom  the  spirit  moved  to  revile  me  with  great  bitter- 
ness and  devotion.  But  what  I  value  myself  mostly 
for,  is  this  here  purchase,  a  gold  snuff-box,  my  girl, 
with  a  picture  on  the  inside  of  the  lid;  which  I 
untied  out  of  the  tail  of  a  pretty  lady's  smock." 
Here,  as  the  devil  would  have  it,  the  pedlar  snored 
so  loud,  that  the  highwayman,  snatching  his  pistols, 
started  up,  crying :  "  Hell  and  d — tion  !  I  am  be- 
trayed ;  who 's  that  in  the  next  room  ?  "  Mrs.  Betty 
told  him,  he  need  not  be  uneasy ;  there  were  only 
three  poor  wearied  travellers,  who,  missing  the  road, 
had  taken  up  their  lodging  in  the  house,  and  were 
asleep  long  ago.  "  Travellers  ?  "  says  he,  "  spies,  you 
b — ch  !  but  no  matter  —  I  '11  send  them  all  to  hell  in 
an  instant."  He  accordingly  ran  towards  our  door ; 
when  his  sweetheart  interposing,  assured  him,  there 
was  only  a  couple  of  poor  young  Scotchmen,  who 
were  too  raw  and  ignorant  to  give  him  the  least 
cause  of  suspicion ;  and  the  third  was  a  Presbyterian 
pedlar  of  the  same  nation,  who  had  often  lodged  in 
the  house  before.  This  declaration  satisfied  the 
thief,  who  swore  he  was  glad  there  was  a  pedlar,  for 
he  wanted  some  linen.  Then,  in  a  jovial  manner,  he 
put  about  the  glass,  mingling  his  discourse  to  Betty 
with  caresses  and  familiarities  that  spoke  him  very 
happy  in  his  amours.  During  that  part  of  the  con- 
vox,,  i.  —  5  [65] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

versation  which  regarded  us,  Strap  had  crept  under 
the  bed,  where  he  lay  in  the  agonies  of  fear ;  so  that 
it  was  with  great  difficulty  I  persuaded  him  our 
danger  was  over,  and  prevailed  on  him  to  wake  the 
pedlar,  and  inform  him  of  what  he  had  seen  and 
heard.  This  itinerant  merchant  no  sooner  felt  some- 
body shaking  him  by  the  shoulder,  than  he  started 
up,  calling  as  loud  as  he  could,  "  Thieves !  thieves ! 
Lord  have  mercy  on  us ! "  And  Rifle,  alarmed  at 
this  exclamation,  jumped  up,  cocked  one  of  his 
pistols,  and  turned  towards  the  door,  to  kill  the  first 
man  who  should  enter ;  for  he  verily  believed  himself 
beset ;  when  his  Dulcinea,  after  an  immoderate  fit  of 
laughter,  persuaded  him,  that  the  poor  pedlar,  dream- 
ing of  thieves,  had  only  cried  out  in  his  sleep. 
Meanwhile  my  comrade  had  undeceived  our  fellow- 
lodger,  and  informed  him  of  his  reason  for  disturbing 
him ;  upon  which,  getting  up  softly,  he  peeped 
through  the  hole,  and  was  so  terrified  with  what  he 
saw,  that,  falling  down  on  his  bare  knees  he  put  up 
a  long  petition  to  Heaven,  to  deliver  him  from  the 
hands  of  that  ruffian,  and  promised  never  to  defraud 
a  customer  for  the  future  of  the  value  of  a  pin's 
point,  provided  he  might  be  rescued  from  the  present 
danger. 

Whether  or  not  his  disburdening  his  conscience 
afforded  him  any  ease,  I  know  not;  but  he  slipped 
into  bed  again,  and  lay  very  quiet  until  the  robber 
[66] 


A    NIGHT    ADVENTURE 

and  his  mistress  were  asleep,  and  snored  in  concert ; 
then,  rising  softly,  he  untied  a  rope  that  was  round 
his  pack,  which  making  fast  to  one  end  of  it,  he 
opened  the  window  with  as  little  noise  as  possible, 
and  lowered  his  goods  into  the  yard  with  great  dex- 
terity ;  then  he  moved  gently  to  our  bedside,  and 
bade  us  farewell,  telling  us,  that,  as  we  ran  no  risk, 
we  might  take  our  rest  with  great  confidence,  and  in 
the  morning  assure  the  landlord  that  we  knew 
nothing  of  his  escape ;  and  lastly,  shaking  us  by  the 
hands,  and  wishing  us  all  manner  of  success,  he  let 
himself  drop  from  the  window  without  any  danger, 
for  the  ground  was  not  above  a  yard  from  his  feet  as 
he  hung  on  the  outside.  Although  I  did  not  think 
proper  to  accompany  him  in  his  flight,  I  was  not  at 
all  free  from  apprehension,  when  I  reflected  on  what 
might  be  the  effect  of  the  highwayman's  disappoint- 
ment, as  he  certainly  intended  to  make  free  with  the 
pedlar's  ware.  Neither  was  my  companion  at  more 
ease  in  his  mind ;  but,  on  the  contrary,  so  possessed 
with  the  dreadful  idea  of  Rifle,  that  he  solicited  me 
strongly  to  follow  our  countryman's  example,  and  so 
elude  the  fatal  resentment  of  that  terrible  adventurer, 
who  would  certainly  wreak  his  vengeance  on  us,  as 
accomplices  of  the  pedlar's  elopement.  But  I  repre- 
sented to  him  the  danger  of  giving  Rifle  cause  to 
think  we  knew  his  profession,  and  suggested,  that,  if 
ever  he  should  meet  us  again  on  the  road,  he  would 
[67] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

look  upon  us  as  dangerous  acquaintance,  and  find  it 
his  interest  to  put  us  out  of  the  way.  I  told  him 
withal  my  confidence  in  Betty's  good  nature,  in  which 
he  acquiesced ;  and,  during  the  remaining  part  of  the 
night,  we  concerted  a  proper  method  of  behaviour, 
to  render  us  unsuspected  in  the  morning. 

It  was  no  sooner  day,  than  Betty,  entering  our 
chamber,  and  perceiving  our  window  open,  cried  out : 
"  Ods  bobs !  sure  you  Scotchmen  must  have  hot  con- 
stitutions to  lie  all  night  with  the  window  open,  in 
such  cold  weather."  I  feigned  to  start  out  of  sleep, 
and  withdrawing  the  curtain,  called,  "  What 's  the 
matter  ?  "  When  she  showed  me,  I  affected  surprise, 
and  said,  "  Bless  me !  the  window  was  shut  when  we 
went  to  bed."  "  I  '11  be  hanged,"  said  she,  "  if  Saw- 
ney Waddle  the  pedlar  has  not  got  up  in  a  dream 
and  done  it,  for  I  heard  him  very  obstropulous  in  his 
sleep.  —  Sure  I  put  a  chamber-pot  under  his  bed." 
With  these  words  she  advanced  to  the  bed  in  which 
he  lay,  and  finding  the  sheets  cold,  exclaimed,  "  Good 
lack-a-daisy !  the  rogue  is  fled ! "  "  Pled !  "  cried  I, 
with  feigned  amazement,  "  God  forbid !  —  Sure  he 
has  not  robbed  us."  Then  springing  up,  I  laid  hold 
of  my  breeches,  and  emptied  all  my  loose  money  into 
my  hand ;  which  having  reckoned,  I  said,  "  Heaven 
be  praised,  our  money  is  all  safe :  —  Strap,  look  to 
the  knapsack."  He  did  so,  and  found  all  was  right. 
Upon  which  we  asked,  with  seeming  concern,  if  he 
[68] 


A    NIGHT    ADVENTURE 

had  stole  nothing  belonging  to  the  house  ?  "  No, 
no,"  replied  she,  "he  has  stole  nothing  but  his 
reckoning " ;  which,  it  seems,  this  pious  pedlar  had 
forgot  to  discharge,  in  the  midst  of  his  devotion. 
Betty,  after  a  moment's  pause,  withdrew,  and  immedi- 
ately we  could  hear  her  waken  Rifle,  who  no  sooner 
heard  of  Waddle's  flight,  than  he  jumped  out  of  bed, 
and  dressed,  venting  a  thousand  execrations,  and 
vowing  to  murder  the  pedlar,  if  ever  he  should  set 
eyes  on  him  again :  "  For,"  said  he,  "  the  scoundrel 
has  by  this  time  raised  the  hue  and  cry  against 
me."  Having  dressed  himself  in  a  hurry,  he  mounted 
his  horse,  and  for  that  time  rid  us  of  his  company, 
and  a  thousand  fears  that  were  the  consequence  of  it. 
While  we  were  at  breakfast,  Betty  endeavoured,  by 
all  the  cunning  she  was  mistress  of,  to  learn  whether 
or  no  we  suspected  our  fellow-lodger,  whom  we  saw 
take  horse;  but  as  we  were  on  our  guard,  we  an- 
swered her  sly  questions  with  a  simplicity  she  could 
not  distrust ;  when,  all  of  a  sudden,  we  heard  the 
trampling  of  a  horse's  feet  at  the  door. 

This  noise  alarmed  Strap  so  much,  whose  imagina- 
tion was  wholly  engrossed  by  the  image  of  Rifle,  that, 
with  a  countenance  as  pale  as  milk,  he  cried,  "  O 
Lord !  there 's  the  highwayman  returned !  "  Our 
landlady,  staring  at  these  words,  said,  "  What  high- 
wayman, young  man  ?  —  Do  you  think  any  highway- 
men harbour  here?"  Though  I  was  very  much 
[69] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

disconcerted  at  this  piece  of  indiscretion  in  Strap,  I 
had  presence  of  mind  enough  to  tell  her,  we  had 
met  a  horseman  the  day  before,  whom  Strap  had 
foolishly  supposed  to  be  a  highwayman,  because  he 
rode  with  pistols;  and  that  he  had  been  terrified 
at  the  sound  of  a  horse's  feet  ever  since.  She  forced 
a  smile  at  the  ignorance  and  timidity  of  my  com- 
rade ;  but  I  could  perceive  (not  without  great  con- 
cern) that  this  account  was  not  at  all  satisfactory  to 
her. 


[70] 


CHAPTER  NINE 

WE  PROCEED  ON  OUR  JOURNEY ARE  OVERTAKEN  BY  AN 

HIGHWAYMAN,     WHO     FIRES     AT     STRAP IS      PRE- 
VENTED    FROM    SHOOTING    ME    BY     A     COMPANY     OF 

HORSEMEN,  WHO   RIDE   IN   PURSUIT  OF  HIM STRAP 

IS  PUT  TO    BED  AT  AN   INN ADVENTURES  AT  THAT 

INN. 

AFTER  having  paid  our  score,  and  taken 
leave  of  our  hostess,  who  embraced  me 
tenderly  at  parting,  we  proceeded  on  our 
journey,  blessing  ourselves  that  we  had 
come  off  so  well.     We  had  not  walked  above  five 
miles,  when  we  observed  a  man  on  horseback  gal- 

7  O 

loping  after  us,  whom  we  in  a  short  time  recognised 
to  be  no  other  than  this  formidable  hero  who  had 
already  given  us  so  much  vexation.  He  stopped 
hard  by  me,  and  asked  if  I  knew  who  he  was  ?  My 
astonishment  had  disconcerted  me  so  much,  that  I 
did  not  hear  his  question,  which  he  repeated  with 
a  volley  of  oaths  and  threats;  but  I  remained  as 
mute  as  before.  Strap  seeing  my  discomposure, 
fell  upon  his  knees  in  the  mud,  uttering  with  a 
lamentable  voice  these  words :  "  For  Christ's  sake, 
[71] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

have  mercy  upon  us,  Mr.  Rifle,  —  we  know  you 
very  well."  "  Oho  ! "  cried  the  thief,  "  you  do  !  — 
but  you  never  shall  be  evidence  against  me  in  this 
world,  you  dog ! "  So  saying,  he  drew  a  pistol,  and 
fired  it  at  the  unfortunate  shaver,  who  fell  flat  upon 
the  ground,  without  speaking  one  word.  My  comrade"^ 
fate,  and  my  own  situation,  riveted  me  to  the  place 
where  I  stood,  deprived  of  all  sense  and  reflection ; 
so  that  I  did  not  make  the  least  attempt  either  to 
run  away,  or  deprecate  the  wrath  of  this  barbarian, 
who  snapped  a  second  pistol  at  me ;  but  before  he 
had  time  to  prime  again,  perceiving  a  company  of 
horsemen  coming  up,  he  rode  off,  and  left  me  stand- 
ing motionless  as  a  statue,  in  which  posture  I  was 
found  by  those  whose  appearance  had  saved  my 
life. 

This  company  consisted  of  three  men  in  livery, 
well  armed,  with  an  officer,  who,  as  I  afterwards 
learned,  was  the  person  from  whom  Rifle  had  taken 
the  pocket-pistols  the  day  before ;  and  who,  making 
known  his  misfortune  to  a  nobleman  he  met  on  the 
road,  and  assuring  him  his  non-resistance  was  alto- 
gether owing  to  his  consideration  for  the  ladies  in 
the  coach,  procured  the  assistance  of  his  lordship's 
servants  to  go  in  quest  of  the  plunderer.  This 
holiday  captain  scampered  up  to  me  with  great 
address,  and  asked  who  fired  the  pistol  which  he 
had  heard.  As  I  had  not  yet  recovered  my  reason, 
[72] 


OVERTAKEN    BY    HIGHWAYMAN 

he,  before  I  could  answer,  observed  a  body  lying  on 
the  ground :  at  which  sight  his  colour  changed,  and 
he  pronounced  with  a  faltering  tongue,  "  Gentlemen, 
here 's  murder  committed  !  Let  us  alight."  "  No, 
no,"  said  one  of  his  followers,  "  let  us  rather  pursue 
the  murderer.  Which  way  went  he,  young  man  ?  " 
By  this  time  I  had  recollected  myself  so  far  as  to 
tell  them,  that  he  could  not  be  a  quarter  of  a  mile 
before ;  and  to  beg  of  one  of  them  to  assist  me  in 
conveying  the  corpse  of  my  friend  to  the  next  house, 
in  order  to  its  being  interred.  The  captain,  foresee- 
ing that,  in  case  he  should  pursue,  he  must  soon 
come  to  action,  began  to  curb  his  horse,  and  give 
him  the  spur  at  the  same  time,  which  treatment 
making  the  creature  rear  up  and  snort,  he  called 
out,  his  horse  was  frightened,  and  would  not  pro- 
ceed ;  at  the  same  time  wheeling  him  round  and 
round,  stroking  his  neck,  whistling  and  wheeling 
him  with  "  Sirrah,  sirrah,  gently,  gently,1'  etc.  — 
"  Zounds ! "  cried  one  of  the  servants,  "  sure  my 
lord's  Sorrel  is  not  resty ! "  —  With  these  words, 
he  bestowed  a  lash  on  his  buttocks,  and  Sorrel, 
disdaining  the  rein,  sprung  forward  with  the  cap- 
tain at  a  pace  that  would  have  soon  brought  him  up 
with  the  robber,  had  not  the  girth,  happily  for  him, 
given  way,  by  which  means  he  landed  in  the  dirt ; 
and  two  of  his  attendants  continued  their  pursuit, 
without  minding  his  situation.  Meanwhile,  one  of  the 
[73] 


RODERICK  RANDOM 

three,  who  remained  at  my  desire,  turning  the  body 
of  Strap,  in  order  to  see  the  wound  which  had  killed 
him,  found  him  still  warm,  and  breathing;  upon 
which  I  immediately  let  him  blood,  and  saw  him, 
with  inexpressible  joy,  recover;  he  having  received 
no  other  wound  than  what  his  fear  had  inflicted. 
Having  raised  him  upon  his  legs,  we  walked  together 
to  an  inn,  about  half  a  mile  from  the  place,  where 
Strap,  who  was  not  quite  recovered,  went  to  bed ; 
and  in  a  little  time,  the  third  servant  returned  with 
the  captain's  horse  and  furniture,  leaving  him  to 
crawl  after  as  well  as  he  could.  This  gentleman 
of  the  sword,  upon  his  arrival,  complained  grievously 
of  the  bruise  occasioned  by  his  fall;  and,  on  the 
recommendation  of  the  servant,  who  warranted  my 
ability,  I  was  employed  to  bleed  him,  for  which  ser- 
vice he  rewarded  me  with  half  a  crown. 

The  time  between  this  event  and  dinner,  I  passed 
in  observing  a  game  at  cards  between  two  farmers, 
an  exciseman,  and  a  young  fellow  in  a  rusty  gown 
and  cassock,  who,  as  I  afterwards  understood,  was 
curate  of  a  neighbouring  parish.  It  was  easy  to  per- 
ceive that  the  match  was  not  equal ;  and  that  the  two 
farmers,  who  were  partners,  had  to  do  with  a  couple 
of  sharpers,  who  stript  them  of  all  their  cash  in  a 
very  short  time.  But  what  surprised  me  very  much 
was,  to  hear  this  clergyman  reply  to  one  of  the 
countrymen  who  seemed  to  suspect  foul  play,  in 
[74] 


ADVENTURES    AT    AN    INN 

these  words  :  "  D — n  me,  friend,  d'  ye  question  my 
honour  ?  "  —  I  did  not  at  all  wonder  to  find  a  cheat 
in  canonicals,  this  being  a  character  frequent  in  my 
own  country ;  but  I  was  scandalised  at  the  indecency 
of  his  behaviour,  which  appeared  in  the  oaths  he 
swore,  and  the  bawdy  songs  which  he  sung.  At 
last,  to  make  amends,  in  some  sort,  for  the  damage 
he  had  done  to  the  unwary  boors,  he  pulled  out  a 
fiddle  from  the  lining  of  his  gown,  and,  promising  to 
treat  them  at  dinner,  began  to  play  most  melodiously, 
singing  in  concert  all  the  while.  This  good  humour 
of  the  parson  inspired  the  company  with  so  much 
glee,  that  the  farmers  soon  forgot  their  losses,  and 
all  present  went  to  dancing  in  the  yard.  While  we 
were  agreeably  amused  in  this  manner,  our  musician, 
spying  a  horseman  riding  towards  the  inn,  stopt  all 
of  a  sudden,  crying  out,  "  Gad  so !  gentlemen,  I  beg 
your  pardon ;  there  's  our  dog  of  a  doctor  coming 
into  the  inn.1'  He  immediately  concealed  his  instru- 
ment, and  ran  towards  the  gate,  where  he  took  hold 
of  the  vicar's  bridle,  and  helped  him  off,  inquiring 
very  cordially  into  the  state  of  his  health.  This  rosy 
son  of  the  church,  who  might  be  about  the  age  of 
fifty,  having  alighted,  and  entrusted  the  curate  with 
his  horse,  stalked  with  great  solemnity  into  the 
kitchen,  where,  sitting  down  by  the  fire,  he  called  for 
a  bottle  of  ale  and  a  pipe ;  scarce  deigning  an  answer 
to  the  submissive  questions  of  those  who  inquired 
[75] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

about  the  welfare  of  his  family.  While  he  indulged 
himself  in  this  state,  amidst  a  profound  silence,  the 
curate,  approaching  him  with  great  reverence,  asked 
if  he  would  not  be  pleased  to  honour  us  with  his 
company  at  dinner?  To  which  interrogation  he 
answered  in  the  negative,  saying,  he  had  been  to 
visit  Squire  Bumpkin,  who  had  drank  himself  into 
a  high  fever  at  the  last  assizes  ;  and  that  he  had,  on 
leaving  his  own  house,  told  Betty  he  should  dine  at 
home.  Accordingly,  when  he  had  made  an  end  of 
his  bottle  and  pipe,  he  rose  and  moved,  with  prelati- 
cal  dignity,  to  the  door,  where  his  journeyman  stood 
ready  with  his  nag.  He  had  no  sooner  mounted, 
than  the  facetious  curate,  coming  into  the  kitchen, 
held  forth  in  this  manner:  "There  the  old  rascal 
goes,  and  the  devil  go  with  him.  —  You  see  how 
the  world  wags,  gentlemen.  —  By  gad,  this  rogue  of 
a  vicar  does  not  deserve  to  live ;  and  yet  he  has  two 
livings  worth  £4®Q  per  annum,  while  poor  I  am  fain 
to  do  all  his  drudgery,  and  ride  twenty  miles  every 
Sunday  to  preach,  for  what  ?  why,  truly,  for  £20  a 
year.  I  scorn  to  boast  of  my  own  qualifications ; 
but  —  comparisons  are  odious.  I  should  be  glad  to 
know  how  this  swag-bellied  doctor  deserves  to  be 
more  at  ease  than  me.  He  can  loll  in  his  elbow- 
chair  at  home,  indulge  himself  in  the  best  of  victuals 
and  wine,  and  enjoy  the  conversation  of  Betty,  his 
housekeeper.  You  understand  me,  gentlemen.  Betty 
[76] 


ADVENTURES    AT    AN    INN 

is  the  doctor's  poor  kinswoman,  and  a  pretty  girl  she 
is ;  but  no  matter  for  that :  —  ay,  and  a  dutiful  girl 
to  her  parents,  whom  she  visits  regularly  every  year, 
though  I  must  own,  I  could  never  learn  in  what 
county  they  live.  —  My  service  t'  ye,  gentlemen." 

By  this  time  dinner  being  ready,  I  waked  my  com- 
panion, and  we  ate  all  together  with  great  cheerful- 
ness. When  our  meal  was  ended,  and  every  man's 
share  of  the  reckoning  adjusted,  the  curate  went  out 
on  pretence  of  some  necessary  occasion,  and  mount- 
ing his  horse,  left  the  two  farmers  to  satisfy  the  host 
in  the  best  manner  they  could.  We  were  no  sooner 
informed  of  this  piece  of  finesse,  than  the  exciseman, 
who  had  been  silent  hitherto,  began  to  open  with  a 
malicious  grin :  "  Ay,  ay,  this  is  an  old  trick  of 
Shuffle  :  I  could  not  help  smiling  when  he  talked  of 
treating.  You  must  know  this  is  a  very  curious 
fellow.  He  picked  up  some  scraps  of  learning  while 
he  served  young  Lord  Trifle  at  the  university.  But 
what  he  most  excels  in  is  pimping.  No  man  knows 
his  talents  better  than  I ;  for  I  was  valet  de  chambre 
to  Squire  Tattle,  an  intimate  companion  of  Shuffle's 
lord.  He  got  himself  into  a  scrape,  by  pawning 
some  of  his  lordship's  clothes,  on  which  account  he 
was  turned  away;  but,  as  he  was  acquainted  with 
some  particular  circumstances  of  my  lord's  conduct, 
he  did  not  care  to  exasperate  him  too  much,  and  so 
made  interest  for  his  receiving  orders,  and  afterwards 
[77] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

recommended  him  to  the  curacy  which  he  now  en- 
joys. However,  the  fellow  cannot  be  too  much 
admired  for  his  dexterity  in  making  a  comfortable 
livelihood,  in  spite  of  such  a  small  allowance.  You 
hear  he  plays  a  good  stick,  and  is  really  diverting  in 
company.  These  qualifications  make  him  agreeable 
wherever  he  goes ;  and,  as  for  playing  at  cards,  there 
is  not  a  man  within  three  counties  a  match  for  him : 
the  truth  is,  he  is  a  damnable  cheat ;  and  can  shift 
a  card  with  such  address,  that  it  is  impossible  to  dis- 
cover him."  Here  he  was  interrupted  by  one  of  the 
farmers,  who  asked  why  he  had  not  justice  enough  to 
acquaint  them  with  these  particulars  before  they 
engaged  in  play?  The  exciseman  replied,  without 
any  hesitation,  that  it  was  none  of  his  business  to 
intermeddle  between  man  and  man ;  besides,  he  did 
not  know  they  were  ignorant  of  Shuffle's  character, 
which  was  notorious  to  the  whole  country.  This  did 
not  satisfy  the  other,  who  taxed  him  with  abetting 
and  assisting  the  curate's  knavery,  and  insisted  on 
having  his  share  of  the  winnings  returned;  this 
demand  the  exciseman  as  positively  refused,  affirm- 
ing that  whatsoever  sleights  Shuffle  might  practise 
on  other  occasions,  he  was  very  certain  that  he  had 
played  on  the  square  with  them,  and  would  answer 
it  before  any  bench  in  Christendom ;  so  saying,  he 
got  up,  and  having  paid  his  reckoning,  sneaked  off. 
The  landlord  thrusting  his  neck  into  the  passage,  to 
[78] 


ADVENTURES    AT    AN    INN 

see  if  he  was  gone,  shook  his  head,  saying,  "  Ah  ! 
Lord  help  us,  if  every  sinner  was  to  have  his  deserts. 
—  Well,  we  victuallers  must  not  disoblige  the  excise- 
man. —  But  I  know  what :  —  if  parson  Shuffle  and 
he  were  weighed  together,  a  straw  thrown  into  either 
scale  would  make  the  balance  kick  the  beam.  —  But, 
masters,  this  is  under  the  rose,"  continued  Boniface, 
with  a  whisper. 


[79] 


CHAPTER    TEN 

THE    HIGHWAYMAN    IS    TAKEN WE     ARE    DETAINED    AS 

EVIDENCE    AGAINST    HIM PROCEED   TO    THE  NEXT 

VILLAGE HE  ESCAPES WE  ARRIVE  AT   ANOTHER 

INN,    WHERE    WE    GO    TO    BED IN    THE    NIGHT   WE 

ARE   AWAKED    BY  A  DREADFUL   ADVENTURE NEXT 

NIGHT    WE    LODGE     AT    THE     HOUSE    OF    A    SCHOOL- 
MASTER  OUR   TREATMENT   THERE. 

STRAP  and  I  were  about  to  depart  on  our 
journey,  when  we  perceived  a  crowd  on  the 
road  coming  towards  us,  shouting  and  hal- 
looing all  the  way.     As  it  approached,  we 
could  discern  a  man  on  horseback  in  the  middle,  with 
his  hands  tied  behind  him,  whom  we  soon  knew  to 
be    Rifle.     This  highwayman,    not    being    so    well 
mounted  as  the  two  servants  who  went  in  pursuit  of 
him,  was  soon  overtaken,  and,  after  having  discharged 
his  pistols,  made  prisoner  without  any  further  opposi- 
tion.    They  were  carrying  him  in  triumph,  amidst 
the  acclamations  of  the  country  people,  to  a  justice 
of  peace  in    a  neighbouring   village,    but    stopt  at 
our  inn  to  join  their  companion,  and  take  refresh- 
ment.    When  Rifle  was  dismounted,  and  placed  in 
the   yard,   within   a  circle   of  peasants   armed  with 
[80] 


THE    HIGHWAYMAN    ESCAPES 

pitchforks,  I  was  amazed  to  see  what  a  pitiful  dejected 
fellow  he  now  appeared,  who  had  but  a  few  hours 
before  filled  me  with  such  terror  and  confusion.  My 
companion  was  so  much  encouraged  by  this  alteration 
in  his  appearance,  that,  going  up  to  the  thief,  he 
presented  his  clenched  fists  to  his  nose,  and  declared 
he  would  either  cudgel  or  box  with  the  prisoner  for 
a  guinea,  which  he  immediately  produced,  and  began 
to  strip,  but  was  dissuaded  from  his  adventure  by  me, 
who  represented  to  him  the  folly  of  the  undertaking, 
as  Rifle  was  now  in  the  hands  of  justice,  which  would, 
no  doubt,  give  us  all  satisfaction  enough.  But  what 
made  me  repent  of  our  impertinent  curiosity,  was  our 
being  detained  by  the  captors  as  evidence  against  him, 
when  we  were  just  going  to  set  forward.  However, 
there  was  no  remedy;  we  were  obliged  to  comply; 
and  accordingly  joined  in  the  cavalcade,  which  luckily 
took  the  same  road  that  we  had  proposed  to  follow. 
About  the  twilight  we  arrived  at  the  place  of  our 
destination ;  but,  as  the  justice  was  gone  to  visit  a 
gentleman  in  the  country,  with  whom,  we  understood, 
he  would  probably  stay  all  night,  the  robber  was  con- 
fined in  an  empty  garret  three  stories  high,  from  which 
it  seemed  impossible  for  him  to  escape.  This,  never- 
theless, was  the  case ;  for  next  morning,  when  they 
went  upstairs  to  bring  him  before  the  justice,  the  bird 
was  flown,  having  got  out  at  the  window  upon  the 
roof,  from  whence  he  continued  his  route  along  the 

VOL.   I. -6  [81] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

tops  of  the  adjoining  houses,  and  entered  another 
garret  window,  where  he  skulked  until  the  family  were 
asleep,  at  which  time  he  ventured  downstairs,  and  let 
himself  out  by  the  street  door,  which  was  found  open. 
This  event  was  a  great  disappointment  to  those  that 
apprehended  him,  who  were  flushed  with  hopes  of  the 
reward ;  but  gave  me  great  joy,  as  I  was  permitted 
now  to  continue  my  journey  without  any  further 
molestation.  Resolving  to  make  up  for  the  small 
progress  we  had  hitherto  made,  we  this  day  travelled 
with  great  vigour,  and  before  night  reached  a  market- 
town,  twenty  miles  from  the  place  from  whence  we  set 
out  in  the  morning,  without  meeting  any  adventure 
worth  notice.  Here  having  taken  up  our  lodging  at 
an  inn,  I  found  myself  so  fatigued,  that  I  began  to 
despair  of  performing  our  journey  on  foot,  and  desired 
Strap  to  inquire  if  there  were  any  waggon,  return- 
horses,  or  other  cheap  carriage  in  this  place,  to  depart 
for  London  next  day.  He  was  informed,  that  the 
waggon  from  Newcastle  to  London  had  halted  there 
two  nights  ago ;  and  that  it  would  be  an  easy  matter 
to  overtake  it,  if  not  the  next  day,  at  farthest  the  day 
after  the  next.  This  piece  of  news  gave  us  some 
satisfaction  ;  and,  after  having  made  a  hearty  supper 
on  hashed  mutton,  we  were  shown  to  our  room,  which 
contained  two  beds,  the  one  allotted  for  us,  and  the 
other  for  a  very  honest  gentleman,  who,  we  were 
told,  was  then  drinking  below.  Though  we  could 
[82] 


A  DREADFUL  ADVENTURE 

have  very  well  dispensed  with  his  company,  we  were 
glad  to  submit  to  this  disposition,  as  there  was  not 
another  bed  empty  in  the  house ;  and  accordingly 
went  to  rest,  after  having  secured  our  baggage  under 
the  bolster. 

About  two  or  three  o'clock  in  the  morning,  I  was 
waked  out  of  a  very  profound  sleep,  by  a  dreadful 
noise  in  the  chamber,  which  did  not  fail  to  throw  me 
into  an  agony  of  consternation,  when  I  heard  these 
words  pronounced  with  a  terrible  voice :  "  Blood  and 
wounds !  run  the  halbert  into  the  guts  of  him  that  ?s 
next  you,  and  I  '11  blow  the  other's  brains  out  pres- 
ently."" This  dreadful  salutation  had  no  sooner 
reached  the  ears  of  Strap,  than,  starting  out  of  bed, 
he  ran  against  somebody  in  the  dark,  and  overturned 
him  in  an  instant ;  at  the  same  time  bawling  out, 
"  Fire !  murder !  fire ! "  a  cry  which  in  a  moment 
alarmed  the  whole  house,  and  filled  our  chamber  with 
a  crowd  of  naked  people.  When  lights  were  brought, 
the  occasion  of  all  this  disturbance  soon  appeared; 
which  was  no  other  than  our  fellow-lodger,  whom  we 
found  lying  on  the  floor  scratching  his  head,  with  a 
look  testifying  the  utmost  astonishment  at  the  con- 
course of  apparitions  that  surrounded  him.  —  This 
honest  gentleman  was,  it  seems,  a  recruiting  sergeant, 
who,  having  listed  two  country  fellows  overnight, 
dreamed  they  had  mutinied,  and  threatened  to 
murder  him  and  the  drummer  who  was  along  with 
[83] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

him.  This  made  such  an  impression  on  his  imagina- 
tion, that  he  got  up  in  his  sleep,  and  expressed  him- 
self as  above. 

When  our  apprehension  of  danger  vanished,  the 
company  beheld  one  another  with  great  surprise  and 
mirth ;  but  what  attracted  the  notice  of  every  one, 
was  our  landlady,  with  nothing  on  her  but  her  shift, 
and  a  large  pair  of  buckskin  breeches,  with  the  back- 
side before,  which  she  had  slipt  on  in  the  hurry,  and 
her  husband,  with  her  petticoat  about  his  shoulders. 
One  had  wrapt  himself  in  a  blanket,  another  was 
covered  with  a  sheet,  and  the  drummer,  who  had 
given  his  only  shirt  to  be  washed,  appeared  in 
cuerpo,  with  the  bolster  rolled  about  his  middle. 
When  this  affair  was  discussed,  everybody  retired 
to  his  own  apartment,  the  sergeant  slipt  into  bed, 
and  my  companion  and  I  slept  without  any  further 
disturbance  till  morning,  when  we  got  up,  went  to 
breakfast,  paid  our  reckoning,  and  set  forward,  in 
expectation  of  overtaking  the  waggon ;  in  which 
hope,  however,  we  were  disappointed  for  that  day. 
As  we  exerted  ourselves  more  than  usual,  I  found 
myself  quite  spent  with  fatigue,  when  we  entered  a 
small  village  in  the  twilight.  We  inquired  for  a 
public-house,  and  were  directed  to  one  of  a  very 
sorry  appearance.  At  our  entrance,  the  landlord, 
who  seemed  to  be  a  venerable  old  man,  with  long 
grey  hair,  rose  from  a  table  placed  by  a  large  fire 
[84] 


A    SCHOLARLY    INNKEEPER 

in  a  very  neat  paved  kitchen,  and,  with  a  cheerful 
countenance,  accosted  us  in  these  words :  "  Salvete, 
/ram,  Ingredlmlnl.""  I  was  not  a  little  pleased  to 
hear  our  host  speak  Latin,  because  I  was  in  hope  of 
recommending  myself  to  him  by  my  knowledge  in 
that  language ;  I  therefore  answered,  without  hesita- 
tion, —  "  Dissolve  frigus,  llgna  super  foco  —  large 
repanens?  I  had  no  sooner  pronounced  these  words, 
than  the  old  gentleman,  running  toward  me,  shook 
me  by  the  hand,  crying,  "  Fill  ml  dlkctlssime .'  unde 
venis  ?  a  mperls,  nl  foliar ! "  In  short,  finding  we 
were  both  read  in  the  classics,  he  did  not  know  how 
to  testify  his  regard  enough ;  but  ordered  his 
daughter,  a  jolly  rosy-cheeked  damsel,  who  was  his 
sple  domestic,  to  bring  us  a  bottle  of  his  quadrimum, 
repeating  from  Horace  at  the  same  time,  "  Deprome 
quadrimum  Sabina,  O  Thallarche,  merum  dlota.'1''  This 
quadrlmum  was  excellent  ale  of  his  own  brewing,  of 
which  he  told  us  he  had  always  an  amphora  four 
years  old  for  the  use  of  himself  and  friends.  In  the 
course  of  our  conversation,  which  was  interlarded 
with  scraps  of  Latin,  we  understood  that  this  face- 
tious person  was  a  schoolmaster,  whose  income  being 
small,  he  was  fain  to  keep  a  glass  of  good  liquor  for 
the  entertainment  of  passengers,  by  which  he  made 
shift  to  make  the  two  ends  of  the  year  meet.  "  I  am 
this  day,"  said  he,  "  the  happiest  old  fellow  in  his 
Majesty's  dominions.  My  wife,  rest  her  soul,  is  in 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

heaven.  My  daughter  is  to  be  married  next  week ; 
but  the  two  chief  pleasures  of  my  life  are  these 
(pointing  to  the  bottle  and  a  large  edition  of  Horace 
that  lay  on  the  table).  I  am  old,  \  is  true,  —  what 
then  ?  the  more  reason  I  should  enjoy  the  small  share 
of  life  that  remains,  as  my  friend  Flaccus  advises : 
"  Tu  ne  quoesieris  (scire  nefas)  quern  mihi,  quern  tibi 
Jinem  dl  dederint.  Carpe  diem,  quam  minimum  credula 
postero" 

As  he  was  very  inquisitive  about  our  affairs,  we 
made  no  scruple  of  acquainting  him  with  our  situa- 
tion, which  when  he  had  learned,  he  enriched  us  with 
advices  how  to  behave  in  the  world,  telling  us,  that 
he  was  no  stranger  to  the  deceits  of  mankind.  In 
the  meantime,  he  ordered  his  daughter  to  lay  a  fowl 
to  the  fire  for  supper,  for  he  was  resolved  this  night 
to  regale  his  friends  — permittens  divis  caetera.  While 
our  entertainment  was  preparing,  our  host  recounted 
the  adventures  of  his  own  life,  which,  as  they  contain 
nothing  remarkable,  I  forbear  to  rehearse.  When  we 
had  fared  sumptuously,  and  drank  several  bottles  of 
his  quadrimum,  I  expressed  a  desire  of  going  to  rest, 
which  was  with  some  difficulty  complied  with,  after 
he  had  informed  us,  that  we  should  overtake  the 
waggon  by  noon  next  day  ;  and  that  there  was  room 
enough  in  it  for  half  a  dozen,  for  there  were  only  four 
passengers  as  yet  in  that  convenience.  Before  my 
comrade  and  I  fell  asleep,  we  had  some  conversation 
[86] 


AN    UNCONSCIONABLE    BILL 

about  the  good  humour  of  our  landlord,  which  gave 
Strap  such  an  idea  of  his  benevolence,  that  he  posi- 
tively believed  we  should  pay  nothing  for  our  lodg- 
ing and  entertainment.  "  Don't  you  observe,"  said 
he,  "  that  he  has  conceived  a  particular  affection  for 
us ;  nay,  even  treated  us  at  supper  with  extraordi- 
nary fare,  which,  to  be  sure,  we  should  not  of  our- 
selves have  called  for?'1'' 

I  was  partly  of  Strap's  opinion ;  but  the  experi- 
ence I  had  of  the  world  made  me  suspend  my  belief 
till  the  morning,  when,  getting  up  betimes,  we  break- 
fasted with  our  host  and  his  daughter  on  hasty-pud- 
ding and  ale,  and  desired  to  know  what  we  had  to 
pay.  "  Biddy  will  let  you  know,  gentlemen,"  said  he, 
"  for  I  never  mind  these  matters.  Money  matters 
are  beneath  the  concern  of  one  who  lives  upon  the 
Horatian  plan.  Crescentem  sequitur  cura  pecuniam^ 
Meanwhile,  Biddy  having  consulted  a  slate  that  hung 
in  the  corner,  told  us,  our  reckoning  came  to  8s.  7d. 
"  Eight  shillings  and  sevenpence ! "  cried  Strap  ;  "  't  is 
impossible  —  you  must  be  mistaken,  young  woman." 
"  Reckon  again,  child,"  says  her  father,  very  deliber- 
ately ;  "  perhaps  you  have  miscounted."  "  No,  indeed, 
father,"  she  replied,  "  I  know  my  business  better."  I 
could  contain  my  indignation  no  longer,  but  said, 
it  was  an  unconscionable  bill,  and  demanded  to 
know  the  particulars ;  upon  which  the  old  man  got 
up,  muttering,  "  Ay,  ay,  let  us  see  the  particulars  — 
[87] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

that  ""s  but  reasonable."     And,  taking  pen,  ink,  and 
paper,  wrote  the  following  items :  — 

s.  d. 

To  bread  and  beer  .  .  .  .06 
To  a  fowl  and  sausages  .  .  .26 
To  four  bottles  quadrim.  .  .  .20 
To  fire  and  tobacco  .  .  .  .07 
To  lodging  .  .  .  .  .20 
To  breakfast 10 

FT 

As  he  had  not  the  appearance  of  a  common  pub- 
lican, and  had  raised  a  sort  of  veneration  in  me  by 
his  demeanour  the  preceding  night,  it  was  not  in  my 
power  to  upbraid  him  as  he  deserved;  therefore  I 
contented  myself  with  saying,  I  was  sure  he  did  not 
learn  to  be  an  extortioner  from  Horace.  He  an- 
swered, I  was  but  a  young  man,  and  did  not  know 
the  world,  or  I  would  not  tax  him  with  extortion, 
whose  only  aim  was  to  live  "  contentus  parvo,  and 
keep  off  importuna  pauperies?  My  fellow-traveller 
could  not  so  easily  put  up  with  this  imposition ;  but 
swore  he  should  either  take  one-third  of  the  money, 
or  go  without.  While  we  were  engaged  in  this  dis- 
pute, I  perceived  the  daughter  go  out,  and  conjectur- 
ing the  occasion,  immediately  paid  the  exorbitant 
demand,  which  was  no  sooner  done,  than  Biddy 
returned  with  two  stout  fellows,  who  came  in  on 
pretence  of  taking  their  morning  draught ;  but  in 
[88] 


AN    UNCONSCIONABLE    BILL 

reality  to  frighten  us  into  compliance.  Just  as  we 
departed,  Strap,  who  was  half  distracted  on  account 
of  this  piece  of  expense,  went  up  to  the  schoolmaster, 
and,  grinning  in  his  face,  pronounced  with  great  em- 
phasis, "  Semper  avarus  eget?  To  which  the  pedant 
replied,  with  a  malicious  smile,  "  Anlmum  rege,  quit 
nisijjaret,  wiperat? 


[89] 


CHAPTER    ELEVEN 

WE    DESCRY   THE    WAGGON GET    INTO    IT ARRIVE    AT 

AN     INN OUR    FELLOW-TRAVELLERS     DESCRIBED 

A    MISTAKE    IS    COMMITTED    BY    STRAP,    WHICH    PRO- 
DUCES   STRANGE    THINGS. 

WE  travelled  half  a    mile   without   ex- 
changing   one    word  ;    my    thoughts 
being   engrossed    by   the   knavery    of 
the  world,  to  which  I  must  be  daily 
exposed;    and   the   contemplation    of  my    finances, 
which  began  sensibly  to  diminish.     At  length  Strap, 
who  could  hold  no  longer,  addressed  me  thus  :  "  Well, 
fools  and  their  money  are  soon  parted.     If  my  advice 
had  been  taken,  that  old  skinflint  should  have  been 
damned  before  he  had  got  more  than  the  third  of  his 
demand.  — ""Pis  a  sure  sign  you  came  easily  by  your 
money,  when  you  squander  it  away  in  this  manner. 
Ah,  God  help  you,  how  many  bristly  beards  must  I 
have  mowed  before  I  earned  four  shillings  and  three- 
pence halfpenny,  which  is  all  thrown  to  the  dogs  ? 
How  many  days  have  I  sat  weaving  hair,  till  my  toes 
were  numbed  by  the  cold,  my  fingers  cramped,  and 
my  nose  as  blue  as  the  sign  of  the  periwig  that  hung 
[90] 


IN    THE    WAGGON 

over  the  door  ?  What  the  devil  was  you  afraid  of  ? 
I  would  have  engaged  to  box  with  any  one  of  those 
fellows  that  came  in,  for  a  guinea.  I  ''m  sure  I  have 
beat  stouter  men  than  either  of  them."  And  indeed 
my  companion  would  have  fought  anybody,  when 
his  life  was  in  no  danger ;  but  he  had  a  mortal  aver- 
sion to  firearms,  and  all  instruments  of  death.  In 
order  to  appease  him,  I  assured  him,  no  part  of  this 
extraordinary  expense  should  fall  upon  his  shoulders  ; 
at  which  declaration  he  was  affronted,  and  told  me, 
he  would  have  me  to  know,  that,  although  he  was  a 
poor  barber's  boy,  he  had  a  soul  to  spend  his  money 
with  the  best  squire  of  the  land.  Having  walked  all 
day  at  a  great  pace,  without  halting  for  a  refresh- 
ment, we  descried,  towards  the  evening,  to  our 
inexpressible  joy,  the  waggon  about  a  quarter  of  a 
mile  before  us ;  and  by  that  time  we  reached  it,  were 
both  of  us  so  weary,  that  I  verily  believe  .it  would 
have  been  impracticable  for  us  to  have  walked  one 
mile  farther.  We  therefore  bargained  with  the 
driver,  whose  name  was  Joey,  to  give  us  a  cast  to 
the  next  stage  for  a  shilling  ;  at  which  place  we 
should  meet  the  master  of  the  waggon,  with  whom  we 
might  agree  for  the  rest  of  the  journey. 

Accordingly,  the  convenience  stopped,  and  Joey 

having  placed  the  ladder,  Strap  (being  loaded  with 

our  baggage)   mounted  first;    but,  just   as  he  was 

getting  in,  a  tremendous  voice  assailed  his  ears  in 

[91J 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

these  words  :  "  God's  fury  !  there  shall  no  passengers 
come  here."  The  poor  shaver  was  so  disconcerted  at 
this  exclamation,  which  both  he  and  I  imagined  pro- 
ceeded from  the  mouth  of  a  giant,  that  he  descended 
with  great  velocity,  and  a  countenance  as  white  as 
paper.  Joey  perceiving  our  astonishment,  called 
with  an  arch  sneer,  "  Waunds,  coptain,  whay  woan't 
you  sooffer  the  poor  waggoneer  to  meake  a  penny  ? 
Coom,  coom,  young  man,  get  oop,  get  oop,  never 
moind  the  coptain  —  I  'se  not  afear'd  of  the  coptain." 
This  was  not  encouragement  sufficient  to  Strap,  who 
could  not  be  prevailed  upon  to  venture  up  again ; 
upon  which  I  attempted,  though  not  without  a 
quaking  heart,  when  I  heard  the  same  voice  mutter- 
ing like  distant  thunder,  "  Hell  and  the  devil  con- 
found me,  if  I  don't  make  you  smart  for  this ! " 
However,  I  crept  in,  and  by  accident,  got  an  empty 
place  in  the  straw,  which  I  immediately  took  posses- 
sion of,  without  being  able  to  discern  the  faces  of  my 
fellow-travellers  in  the  dark.  Strap  following  with 
the  knapsack  on  his  back,  chanced  to  take  the  other 
side,  and,  by  a  jolt  of  the  carriage,  pitched  directly 
upon  the  stomach  of  the  captain,  who  bellowed  out 
in  a  most  dreadful  manner,  "  Blood  and  thunder, 
where 's  my  sword  ?  "  At  these  words,  my  frighted 
comrade  started  up,  and  at  one  spring  bounced 
against  me  with  such  force,  that  I  thought  he  was 
the  supposed  son  of  Anak,  who  intended  to  press  me 
[92] 


IN    THE    WAGGON 

to  death.  In  the  meantime,  a  female  voice  cried, 
"  Bless  me  ?  what  is  the  matter,  my  dear  ?  "  "  The 
matter,11  replied  the  captain,  "  d — n  my  blood  !  my 
guts  are  squeezed  into  a  pancake  by  that  Scotchman's 
hump.""  Strap,  trembling  all  the  while  at  my  back, 
asked  him  pardon,  and  laid  the  blame  of  what  had 
happened  upon  the  jolting  of  the  waggon ;  and  the 
woman  who  spoke  before,  went  on :  "  Ay,  ay,  my 
dear,  it  is  our  own  fault ;  we  may  thank  ourselves  for 
all  the  inconveniences  we  meet  with.  I  thank  God 
I  never  travelled  so  before.  I  'm  sure,  if  my  lady  or 
Sir  John  was  to  know  where  we  are,  they  would  not 
sleep  this  night  for  vexation.  I  wish  to  God  we  had 
writ  for  the  chariot :  I  know  we  shall  never  be  for- 
given."" —  "  Come,  come,  my  dear,""  replied  the  cap- 
tain, "  it  don't  signify  fretting  now  —  we  shall  laugh 
it  over  as  a  frolic —  I  hope  you  will  not  suffer  in 
your  health.  I  shall  make  my  lord  very  merry  with 
our  adventures  in  the  diligence." 

This  discourse  gave  me  such  a  high  notion  of  the 
captain  and  his  lady,  that  I  durst  not  venture  to  join 
in  the  conversation.  But  immediately  after,  another 
female  voice  began  :  "  Some  people  give  themselves 
a  great  many  needless  airs  —  better  folks  than  any 
here  have  travelled  in  waggons  before  now.  Some 
of  us  have  rode  in  coaches  and  chariots,  with  three 
footmen  behind  them,  without  making  so  much  fuss 
about  ito  What  then  ?  we  are  now  all  upon  a  foot- 
[93] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

ing ;  therefore  let  "s  be  sociable  and  merry.  What 
do  you  say,  Isaac  ?  Is  not  this  a  good  motion,  you 
doting  rogue  ?  Speak,  you  old  cent,  per  cent,  forni- 
cator.  What  desperate  debts  are  you  thinking  of? 
What  mortgage  are  you  planning  ?  Well,  Isaac, 
positively  you  shall  never  gain  my  favour  till  you 
turn  over  a  new  leaf,  grow  honest,  and  live  like  a 
gentleman.  In  the  meantime,  give  me  a  kiss,  you 
old  fumbler."  These  words,  accompanied  with  a 
hearty  smack,  enlivened  the  person  to  whom  they 
were  addressed  to  such  a  degree,  that  he  cried  in  a 
transport,  though  with  a  faltering  voice,  "  Ah  !  you 
wanton  baggage  —  upon  my  credit,  you  are  a  wag- 
gish girl,  he,  he,  he."  This  laugh  introduced  a  fit  of 
coughing,  which  almost  suffocated  the  poor  usurer 
(such,  we  afterwards  found,  was  the  profession  of  this 
our  fellow-traveller).  About  this  time  I  fell  asleep, 
and  enjoyed  a  comfortable  nap,  till  such  time  as  we 
arrived  at  the  inn  where  we  put  up.  Here,  having 
alighted  from  the  waggon,  I  had  an  opportunity  of 
viewing  the  passengers  in  order  as  they  entered. 
The  first  who  appeared  was  a  brisk  airy  girl,  about 
twenty  years  old,  with  a  silver-laced  hat  on  her  head, 
instead  of  a  cap,  a  blue  stuff  riding-suit  trimmed  with 
silver,  very  much  tarnished,  and  a  whip  in  her  hand. 
After  her  came  limping  an  old  man,  with  a  worsted 
night-cap,  buttoned  under  his  chin,  and  a  broad- 
brimmed  hat  slouched  over  it,  an  old  rusty  blue  cloak 
[94] 


FELLOW-TRAVELLERS    DESCRIBED 

tied  about  his  neck,  under  which  appeared  a  brown 
surtout,  that  covered  a  threadbare  coat  and  waist- 
coat, and,  as  we  afterwards  discerned,  a  dirty  flannel 
jacket.  His  eyes  were  hollow,  bleared,  and  gummy  ; 
his  face  was  shrivelled  into  a  thousand  wrinkles,  his 
gums  were  destitute  of  teeth,  his  nose  sharp  and  droop- 
ing, his  chin  peaked  and  prominent,  so  that,  when 
he  mumped  or  spoke,  they  approached  one  another 
like  a  pair  of  nut-crackers  ;  he  supported  himself 
on  an  ivory-headed  cane  ;  and  his  whole  figure  was  a 
just  emblem  of  winter,  famine,  and  avarice.  But  how 
was  I  surprised,  when  I  beheld  the  formidable  cap- 
tain in  the  shape  of  a  little  thin  creature,  about  the 
age  of  forty,  with  a  long  withered  visage,  very  much 
resembling  that  of  a  baboon,  through  the  upper  part 
of  which  two  little  grey  eyes  peeped :  he  wore  his 
own  hair  in  a  queue  that  reached  to  his  rump,  which 
immoderate  length,  I  suppose,  was  the  occasion  of  a 
baldness  that  appeared  on  the  crown  of  his  head, 
when  he  deigned  to  take  off  his  hat,  which  was  very 
much  of  the  size  and  cock  of  PistoFs. 

Having  laid  aside  his  great-coat,  I  could  not  help 
admiring  the  extraordinary  make  of  this  man  of  war : 
he  was  about  five  feet  and  three  inches  high,  sixteen 
inches  of  which  went  to  his  face  and  long  scraggy 
neck ;  his  thighs  were  about  six  inches  in  length,  his 
legs  resembling  spindles  or  drumsticks,  two  feet  and 
a  half,  and  his  body,  which  put  me  in  mind  of  ex- 
[95] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

tension  without  substance,  engrossed  the  remainder; 
so  that,  on  the  whole,  he  appeared  like  a  spider  or 
grasshopper  erect,  and  was  almost  a  vox  et  praeterea 
nihiL  His  dress  consisted  of  a  frock  of  what  is  called 
bear-skin,  the  skirts  of  which  were  about  half  a  foot 
long,  an  hussar  waistcoat,  scarlet  breeches,  reaching 
halfway  down  his  thighs,  worsted  stockings,  rolled 
up  almost  to  his  groin,  and  shoes  with  wooden  heels 
at  least  two  inches  high :  he  earned  a  sword  very 
near  as  long  as  himself  in  one  hand,  and  with  the 
other  conducted  his  lady,  who  seemed  to  be  a  woman 
of  his  own  age,  and  still  retained  some  remains  of  an 
agreeable  person ;  but  so  ridiculously  affected,  that, 
had  I  not  been  a  novice  in  the  world,  I  might  have 
easily  perceived  in  her  the  deplorable  vanity  and 
second-hand  airs  of  a  lady's  woman.  We  were  all 
assembled  in  the  kitchen,  when  Captain  Weazel  (for 
that  was  his  name)  desired  a  room  with  a  fire  for 
himself  and  spouse,  and  told  the  landlord  they  would 
sup  by  themselves.  The  innkeeper  replied,  that  he 
could  not  afford  them  a  room  by  themselves ;  and  as 
for  supping,  he  had  prepared  victuals  for  the  pas- 
sengers in  the  waggon,  without  respect  of  persons; 
but  if  he  could  prevail  on  the  rest  to  let  him  have 
his  choice  in  a  separate  manner,  he  should  be  very 
well  pleased.  This  was  no  sooner  said,  than  all  of 
us  declared  against  the  proposal ;  and  Miss  Jenny, 
our  other  female  passenger,  observed,  that,  if  Captain 

[96] 


FELLOW-TRAVELLERS    DESCRIBED 

Weazel  and  his  lady  had  a  mind  to  sup  by  them- 
selves, they  might  wait  until  we  should  have  done. 
At  this  hint,  the  captain  put  on  a  martial  frown,  and 
looked  very  big,  without  speaking ;  while  his  yoke- 
fellow, with  a  disdainful  toss  of  her  nose,  muttered 
something  about  "Creature!""  which  Miss  Jenny 
overhearing,  stept  up  to  her,  saying,  "  None  of  your 
names,  good  Mrs.  Abigail  Creature,  quotha  —  I  '11 
assure  you,  no  such  creature  as  you,  neither  —  no  ten 
pound  sneaker  —  no  quality  coupler.1'  —  Here  the 
captain  interposed,  with  a  "  D — me,  madam,  what 
do  you  mean  by  that  ?  "  —  "  D — n  you,  sir,  who  are 
you  ?  "  replied  Miss  Jenny,  "  who  made  you  a  captain, 
y©u  pitiful,  trencher-scraping,  pimping  curler?  — 
'Sdeath !  the  army  is  come  to  a  fine  pass,  when  such 
fellows  as  you  get  commissions  —  what,  I  suppose 
you  think  I  don't  know  you  ?  —  Egad,  you  and  your 
helpmate  are  well  met  —  a  cast-off  mistress  and  a 
bald  valet-de-chambre  are  well  yoked  together." 
"  Blood  and  wounds  ! "  cried  Weazel,  "  d'  ye  question 
the  honour  of  my  wife,  madam  !  —  Hell  and  d — tion ! 
No  man  in  England  durst  say  so  much.  I  would  flea 
him  —  carbonado  him  !  Fury  and  destruction !  I 
would  have  his  liver  for  my  supper."  So  saying,  he 
drew  his  «word,  and  flourished  with  it,  to  the  great 
terror  of  Strap;  while  Miss  Jenny,  snapping  her 
fingers,  told  him,  she  did  not  value  his  resentment  a 
louse.  In  the  midst  of  this  quarrel,  the  master  of 
TOI.I.— 7  [97] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

the  waggon  alighted,  who  understanding  the  cause  of 
the  disturbance,  and  fearing  the  captain  and  his  lady 
would  take  umbrage,  and  leave  his  carriage,  was  at 
great  pains  to  have  everything  made  up,  which  he  at 
last  accomplished,  and  we  sat  down  to  supper  all 
together.  At  bedtime  we  were  shown  to  our  apart- 
ments :  the  old  usurer,  Strap,  and  I,  to  one  room ; 
the  captain,  his  wife,  and  Miss  Jenny,  to  another. 
About  midnight,  my  companion's  bowels  being  dis- 
ordered, he  got  up,  in  order  to  go  backward  ;  but,  in 
his  return,  mistaking  one  door  for  another,  entered 
Weazel's  chamber,  and  without  any  hesitation,  went 
to  bed  to  his  wife,  who  was  fast  asleep ;  the  captain 
being  at  another  end  of  the  room,  groping  for  some 
empty  vessel,  in  lieu  of  his  own  chamber-pot,  which 
was  leaky :  as  he  did  not  perceive  Strap  coining  in, 
he  went  towards  his  own  bed,  after  having  found  a 
convenience ;  but  no  sooner  did  he  feel  a  rough  head, 
covered  with  a  cotton  night-cap,  than  it  came  into 
his  mind,  that  he  had  mistaken  Miss  Jenny's  bed 
instead  of  his  own,  and  that  the  head  he  felt  was 
that  of  some  gallant,  with  whom  she  had  made  an 
assignation.  Full  of  this  conjecture,  and  scandalised 
at  the  prostitution  of  his  apartment,  he  snatched  up 
the  vessel  he  had  just  before  filled,  and  emptied  it  at 
once  on  the  astonished  barber  and  his  own  wife,  who 
waking  at  that  instant,  broke  forth  into  lamentable 
cries  which  not  only  alarmed  the  husband  beyond 
[98] 


RESULT    OF    STRAP'S    MISTAKE 

measure,  but  frightened  poor  Strap  almost  out  of  his 
senses;  for  he  verily  believed  himself  bewitched; 
especially  when  the  incensed  captain  seized  him  by 
the  throat,  with  a  volley  of  oaths,  asking  him  how 
he  durst  have  the  presumption  to  attempt  the 
chastity  of  his  wife.  Poor  Strap  was  so  amazed  and 
confounded,  that  he  could  say  nothing,  but,  "  I  take 
God  to  witness,  she  's  a  virgin  for  me."  Mrs.  Weazel, 
enraged  to  find  herself  in  such  a  pickle,  through  the 
precipitation  of  her  husband,  arose  in  her  shift,  and 
with  the  heel  of  her  shoe,  which  she  found  by  the 
bedside,  belaboured  the  captain's  bald  pate,  till  he 
roared,  "  Murder.11  "  1 11  teach  you  to  empty  your 
stink-pots  on  me,"  cried  she,  "  you  pitiful  hop-o'-my- 
thumb  coxcomb.  What !  I  warrant  you  're  jealous, 
you  man  of  lath.  Was  it  for  this  I  condescended  to 
take  you  to  my  bed,  you  poor  withered  sapless  twig  ?  " 
The  noise  occasioned  by  this  adventure  had  brought 
the  master  of  the  waggon  and  me  to  the  door,  where 
we  overheard  all  that  passed  with  great  satisfaction. 
In  the  meantime,  we  were  alarmed  with  the  cry  of 
"  Rape  !  murder !  rape  !  "  which  Miss  Jenny  pro- 
nounced with  great  vociferation.  —  "  O  !  you  vile 
abominable  old  villain,"  said  she,  "would  you  rob 
me  of  my  virtue  ?  But  I  '11  be  revenged  of  you,  you 
old  goat !  I  will  —  Help  !  for  heaven's  sake  !  help !  — 
I  shall  be  ravished  —  ruined  !  help  ! "  Some  servants 
of  the  inn,  hearing  this  cry,  came  running  upstairs 
[99] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

with  lights,  and  such  weapons  as  chance  afforded, 
when  we  beheld  a  very  diverting  scene.  In  one 
corner  stood  the  poor  captain,  shivering  in  his  shirt, 
which  was  all  torn  to  rags,  with  a  woeful  visage, 
scratched  all  over  by  his  wife,  who  had  by  this  time 
wrapped  the  counterpane  about  her,  and  sat  sobbing 
on  the  side  of  her  bed.  In  the  other  end  lay  the  old 
usurer,  sprawling  on  Miss  Jenny's  bed,  with  his  flannel 
jacket  over  his  shirt,  and  his  tawny  meagre  limbs 
exposed  to  the  air ;  while  she  held  him  fast  by  the 
two  ears,  and  loaded  him  with  execrations.  When 
we  asked  what  was  the  matter,  she  affected  to  weep ; 
told  us,  she  was  afraid  that  wicked  rogue  had  ruined 
her  in  her  sleep ;  and  bade  us  take  notice  of  what  we 
saw,  for  she  intended  to  make  use  of  our  evidence 
against  him.  The  poor  wretch  looked  like  one  more 
dead  than  alive,  and  begged  to  be  released ;  a  favour 
which  he  had  no  sooner  obtained,  than  he  protested 
she  was  no  woman,  but  a  devil  incarnate ;  that  she 
had  first  seduced  his  flesh  to  rebel,  and  then  betrayed 
him.  "  Yes,  cockatrice,"  continued  he,  "  you  know 
you  laid  this  snare  for  me,  but  you  shan't  succeed, 
for  I  will  hang  myself  before  you  shall  get  a  farthing 
off  me."  So  saying,  he  crawled  to  his  own  bed, 
groaning  all  the  way.  We  then  advanced  to  the 
captain,  who  told  us,  "  Gentlemen,  here  has  been  a 
d — ned  mistake ;  but  I  '11  be  revenged  on  him  who 
was  the  occasion  of  it.  That  Scotchman  who  carries 
[100] 


RESULT    OF    STRAP'S    MISTAKE 

the  knapsack  shall  not  breathe  this  vital  air  another 
day,  if  my  name  be  Weazel.  My  dear,  I  ask  you  ten 
thousand  pardons ;  you  are  sensible  I  could  mean  no 
harm  to  you."  —  "I  know  not  what  you  meant," 
replied  she,  sighing,  "  but  I  know  I  have  got  enough 
to  send  me  to  my  grave."  At  length  they  were 
reconciled.  The  wife  was  complimented  with  a  share 
of  Miss  Jenny's  bed  (her  own  being  overflowed),  and 
the  master  of  the  waggon  invited  Weazel  to  sleep  the 
remaining  part  of  the  night  with  him.  I  retired  to 
mine,  where  I  found  Strap  mortally  afraid,  he  having 
stole  away  in  the  dark,  while  the  captain  and  his  lady 
were  at  loggerheads. 


[101) 


CHAPTER    TWELVE 

CAPTAIN  WEAZEL  CHALLENGES  STEAP,  WHO  DECLINES  THE 

COMBAT AN  AFFAIR  BETWEEN  THE  CAPTAIN  AND 

ME THE  USURER  IS  FAIN  TO  GIVE  MISS  JENNY  FIVE 

GUINEAS  FOR  A  RELEASE WE  ARE  IN  DANGER  OF 

LOSING   A   MEAL THE    BEHAVIOUR   OF    WEAZEL, 

JENNY,  AND   JOEY,  ON  THAT  OCCASION AN    AC- 
COUNT OF  CAPTAIN  WEAZEL  AND  HIS  LADY THE 

CAPTAIN'S  COURAGE  TRIED  —  ISAAC'S  MIRTH  AT  THE 
CAPTAIN'S  EXPENSE. 

NEXT  morning  I  agreed  to  give  the  mas- 
ter of  the  waggon  ten  shillings  for  my 
passage    to    London,   provided     Strap 
should   be   allowed   to   take   my  place 
when  I  should  be  disposed  to  walk  —  at  the  same 
time  I  desired  him  to  appease  the  incensed  captain, 
who  had  entered  the  kitchen  with  a  drawn  sword  in 
his  hand,  and  threatened,  with  many  oaths,  to  sacri- 
fice the  villain  who  attempted  to  violate  his  bed  ;  but 
it  was  to  no  purpose  for  the  master  to  explain  the 
mistake,  and  assure  him  of  the  poor  lad's  innocence, 
who  stood  trembling  behind  me  all  the  while.     The 
more  submission  that  appeared  in  Strap,  the  more 
implacable  seemed  the  resentment  of  Weazel,  who 
[102] 


THE    CAPTAIN    CHALLENGES    STRAP 

swore  he  must  either  fight  him,  or  he  would  instantly 
put  him  to  death.  I  was  extremely  provoked  at  this 
insolence,  and  told  him,  it  could  not  be  supposed  that 
a  poor  barber  lad  would  engage  a  man  of  the  sword 
at  his  own  weapon  ;  but  I  was  persuaded  he  would 
wrestle  or  box  with  him.  To  which  proposal  Strap 
immediately  gave  assent,  by  saying,  he  would  box  with 
him  for  a  guinea.  Weazel  replied,  with  a  look  of 
disdain,  that  it  was  beneath  any  gentleman  of  his 
character  to  fight  like  a  porter,  or  even  to  put  him- 
self on  a  footing,  in  any  respect,  with  such  a  fellow  as 
Strap.  "  Odds  bodikins  !  "  cries  Joey,  "  sure,  coptain, 
yaw  would  not  commit  moorder !  Here  ^s  a  poor  lad 
that  is  willing  to  make  atoonement  for  his  offence ; 
and  an  that  woan't  satisfie  yaw,  offers  to  fight  yaw 
fairly.  An  yaw  woan^  box,  I  dare  say,  he  will  cood- 
gel  with  yaw,  —  woan't  yaw,  my  lad  ?  "  —  Strap,  after 
some  hesitation,  answered,  "  Yes,  yes,  1 11  cudgel  with 
him."  But  this  expedient  being  also  rejected  by  the 
captain,  I  began  to  smell  his  character,  and,  tipping 
Strap  the  wink,  told  the  company  that  I  had  always 
heard  it  said,  the  person  who  receives  a  challenge 
should  have  the  choice  of  the  weapons ;  this  there- 
fore being  the  rule  in  point  of  honour,  I  would  ven- 
ture to  promise,  on  the  head  of  my  companion,  that 
he  would  even  fight  Captain  Weazel  at  sharps,  but  it 
should  be  with  such  sharps  as  Strap  was  best  ac- 
quainted with,  namely,  razors.  At  my  mentioning 
[103] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

razors,  I  could  perceive  the  captain's  colour  change, 
while  Strap,  pulling  me  by  the  sleeve,  whispered  with 
great  eagerness,  "  No,  no,  no ;  for  the  love  of  God, 
don't  make  any  such  bargain."  At  length  Weazel 
recovering  himself,  returned  towards  me,  and,  with  a 
ferocious  countenance,  asked,  **  Who  the  devil  are 
you  ?  will  you  fight  me  ?  "  With  these  words,  put- 
ting himself  in  a  posture,  I  was  grievously  alarmed  at 
seeing  the  point  of  a  sword  within  half  a  foot  of  my 
breast ;  and,  springing  to  one  side,  snatched  up  a  spit 
that  stood  in  the  chimney-corner,  with  which  I  kept 
my  formidable  adversary  at  bay,  who  made  a  great 
many  half-lounges,  skipping  backward  at  every  push, 
till  at  last  I  pinned  him  up  in  a  corner,  to  the  no 
small  diversion  of  the  company. 

While  he  was  in  this  situation,  his  wife  entered, 
and,  seeing  her  husband  in  these  dangerous  circum- 
stances, uttered  a  dreadful  scream  :  in  this  emergency, 
Weazel  demanded  a  cessation,  which  was  immediately 
granted ;  and  at  last  was  contented  with  the  submis- 
sion of  Strap,  who,  falling  upon  his  knees  before  him, 
protested  the  innocence  of  his  intention,  and  asked 
pardon  for  the  mistake  he  had  committed.  This 
affair  being  ended  without  bloodshed,  we  went  to 
breakfast,  but  missed  two  of  our  company,  namely, 
Miss  Jenny  and  the  usurer.  As  for  the  first,  Mrs. 
Weazel  informed  us,  that  she  had  kept  her  awake  all 
night  with  her  groans ;  and  that,  when  she  ros«  in 
[  104] 


JENNY    AND    THE    USURER 

the  morning,  Miss  Jenny  was  so  much  indisposed,  that 
she  could  not  proceed  on  her  journey.  At  that  in- 
stant, a  message  came  from  her  to  the  master  of 
the  waggon,  who  immediately  went  into  her  chamber, 
followed,  by  us  all.  She  told  him  in  a  lamentable 
tone,  that  she  was  afraid  of  a  miscarriage,  owing  to 
the  fright  she  received  last  night  from  the  brutality 
of  Isaac  ;  and,  as  the  event  was  uncertain,  desired  the 
usurer  might  be  detained  to  answer  for  the  conse- 
quence. Accordingly,  this  ancient  Tarquin  was 
found  in  the  waggon,  whither  he  had  retired  to  avoid 
the  shame  of  last  night's  disgrace,  and  brought  by 
force  into  her  presence.  He  no  sooner  appeared, 
than  she  began  to  weep  and  sigh  most  piteously,  and 
told  us,  if  she  died,  she  would  leave  her  blood  upon 
the  head  of  that  ravisher.  Poor  Isaac  turned  up  his 
eyes  and  hands  to  heaven,  prayed  that  God  would  de- 
liver him  from  the  machinations  of  that  Jezebel ;  and 
assured  us,  with  tears  in  his  eyes,  that  his  being  found 
in  bed  with  her  was  the  result  of  her  own  invitation. 
The  waggoner  understanding  the  case,  advised  Isaac 
to  make  it  up,  by  giving  her  a  sum  of  money ; 
to  which  advice  he  replied,  with  great  vehemence, 
"  A  sum  of  money  !  —  a  halter  for  the  cockatrice  ?  " 
—  "  Oh  !  "t  is  very  well,1'  said  Miss  Jenny  :  "  I  see  it 
is  in  vain  to  attempt  that  flinty  heart  of  his  by  fair 
means.  Joey,  be  so  good  as  to  go  to  the  justice,  and 
tell  him  there  is  a  sick  person  here,  who  wants  to  see 
[105] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

him  on  an  affair  of  consequence."  At  the  name  of 
justice,  Isaac  trembled,  and,  bidding  Joey  stay,  asked 
with  a  quivering  voice,  what  she  would  have  ?  She 
told  him,  that  as  he  had  not  perpetrated  his  wicked 
purpose,  she  would  be  satisfied  with  a  small  matter. 
And  though  the  damage  she  might  sustain  in  her 
health  might  be  irreparable,  she  would  give  him  a  re- 
lease for  an  hundred  guineas.  "  An  hundred  guineas ! " 
cried  he,  in  an  ecstasy,  "  an  hundred  furies  !  Where 
should  a  poor  old  wretch  like  me  have  an  hundred 
guineas  ?  If  I  had  so  much  money,  d'  ye  think  I 
should  be  found  travelling  in  a  waggon  at  this  season 
of  the  year  ?  "  "  Come,  come,"  replied  Jenny,  "  none 
of  your  miserly  artifice  here.  You  think  I  don't 
know  Isaac  Rapine,  the  money-broker,  in  the  Minories. 
Ah  !  you  old  rogue !  many  a  pawn  have  you  had  of 
me  and  my  acquaintance,  which  was  never  redeemed." 
Isaac  finding  it  was  in  vain  to  disguise  himself, 
offered  twenty  shillings  fora  discharge,  which  she  ab- 
solutely refused  under  fifty  pounds.  At  last,  how- 
ever, she  was  brought  down  to  five,  which  he  paid, 
with  great  reluctancy,  rather  than  be  prosecuted  for 
a  rape.  After  which  accommodation  the  sick  person 
made  shift  to  get  into  the  waggon,  and  we  set  for- 
wards in  great  tranquillity,  Strap  being  accommo- 
dated with  Joey's  horse,  the  driver  himself  choosing 
to  walk. 

This  morning  and  forenoon  we  were  entertained 
[106] 


THE    CAPTAIN    AND    HIS    LADY 

with  an  account  of  the  valour  of  Captain  Weazel, 
who  told  us  he  had  once  knocked  down  a  soldier 
that  made  game  of  him ;  tweaked  a  drawer  by  the 
nose,  who  found  fault  with  his  picking  his  teeth 
with  a  fork,  at  another  time ;  and  that  he  had  more- 
over challenged  a  cheesemonger,  who  had  the  pre- 
sumption to  be  his  rival ;  —  for  the  truth  of  which 
exploits  he  appealed  to  his  wife.  She  confirmed 
whatever  he  said,  and  observed,  "  The  last  affair  hap- 
pened that  very  day  on  which  I  received  a  love-letter 
from  Squire  Gobble;  and  don't  you  remember,  my 
dear,  I  was  prodigiously  sick  that  very  night  with 
eating  ortolans,  when  my  Lord  Diddle  took  notice  of 
my  complexion's  being  altered,  and  my  lady  was  so 
alarmed  that  she  had  well-nigh  fainted."  "  Yes, 
my  dear,"  replied  the  captain,  *'  you  know,  my  lord 
said  to  me,  with  a  sneer,  '  Billy,  Mrs.  Weazel  is  cer- 
tainly breeding.'  And  I  answered  cavalierly,  '  My 
lord,  I  wish  I  could  return  the  compliment.1  Upon 
which  the  whole  company  broke  out  into  an  immod- 
erate fit  of  laughter ;  and  my  lord,  who  loves  a 
repartee  dearly,  came  round  and  bussed  me." 

We  travelled  in  this  manner  five  days,  without 
interruption,  or  meeting  anything  worth  notice : 
Miss  Jenny,  who  soon  recovered  her  spirits,  enter- 
taining us  every  day  with  diverting  songs,  of  which 
she  could  sing  a  great  number ;  and  rallying  her  old 
gallant,  who,  notAvithstanding,  would  never  be  rec« 
[107] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

onciled  to  her.  On  the  sixth  day,  while  we  were 
about  to  sit  down  to  dinner,  the  innkeeper  came 
and  told  us,  that  three  gentlemen,  just  arrived,  had 
ordered  the  victuals  to  be  carried  to  their  apart- 
ment, although  he  had  informed  them  that  they 
were  bespoke  by  the  passengers  in  the  waggon.  To 
which  information  they  had  replied,  "  The  passen- 
gers in  the  waggon  might  be  d — ned,  —  their  betters 
must  be  served  before  them  —  they  supposed  it 
would  be  no  hardship  on  such  travellers  to  dine 
upon  bread  and  cheese  for  one  day."  This  was  a 
terrible  disappointment  to  us  all ;  and  we  laid  our 
heads  together  how  to  remedy  it ;  when  Miss  Jenny 
observed,  that  Captain  Weazel,  being  by  profession 
a  soldier,  ought  in  this  case  to  protect  and  prevent 
us  from  being  insulted.  But  the  captain  excused 
himself,  saying,  he  would  not  for  all  the  world  be 
known  to  have  travelled  in  a  waggon  ;  swearing  at 
the  same  time,  that,  could  he  appear  with  honour, 
they  should  eat  his  sword  sooner  than  his  provision. 
Upon  this  declaration,  Miss  Jenny,  snatching  his 
weapon,  drew  it,  and  ran  immediately  into  the 
kitchen,  where  she  threatened  to  put  the  cook  to 
death  if  he  did  not  send  the  victuals  into  our  cham- 
ber immediately.  The  noise  she  made  brought  the 
three  strangers  down,  one  of  L  whom  no  sooner  per- 
ceived her,  than  he  cried,  "  Ha !  Jenny  Ramper ! 
what  the  devil  brought  thee  hither?"  "My  dear 
[108] 


DANGER    OF    LOSING    A    MEAL 

Jack  Rattle!"  replied  she,  running  into  his  arms, 
"is  it  you?  Then  Weazel  may  go  to  hell  for  a 
dinner  —  I  shall  dine  with  you."" 

They  consented  to  this  proposal  with  a  great  deal 
of  joy  ;  and  we  were  on  the  point  of  being  reduced 
to  a  very  uncomfortable  meal,  when  Joey,  under- 
standing the  whole  affair,  entered  the  kitchen  with 
a  pitchfork  in  his  hand,  and  swore  he  would  be  the 
death  of  any  man  who  should  pretend  to  seize  the 
victuals  prepared  for  the  waggon.  This  menace  had 
like  to  have  produced  fatal  consequences ;  the  three 
strangers  drawing  their  swords,  and  being  joined  by 
their  servants,  and  we  ranging  ourselves  on  the  side 
of  Joey;  when  the  landlord  interposing,  offered  to 
part  with  his  own  dinner  to  keep  the  peace,  which 
was  accepted  by  the  strangers ;  and  we  sat  down  at 
table  without  any  further  molestation.  In  the  af- 
ternoon, I  chose  to  walk  along  with  Joey,  and  Strap 
took  my  place.  Having  entered  into  a  conversation 
with  this  driver,  I  soon  found  him  to  be  a  merry, 
facetious,  good-natured  fellow,  and  withal  very  arch. 
He  informed  me,  that  Miss  Jenny  was  a  common  girl 
upon  the  town  ;  who  falling  into  company  with  a 
recruiting  officer,  he  carried  her  down  in  the  stage- 
coach from  London  to  Newcastle,  where  he  had  been 
arrested  for  debt,  and  was  now  in  prison ;  upon 
which  she  was  fain  to  return  to  her  former  way  of 
life,  by  this  conveyance.  He  told  me  likewise,  that 
[109] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

one  of  the  gentleman's  servants  whom  we  left  at  the 
inn,  having  accidentally  seen  Weazel,  immediately 
knew  him,  and  acquainted  Joey  with  some  particu- 
lars of  his  character.  That  he  had  served  my  Lord 
Frizzle  in  quality  of  valet-de-chambre  many  years, 
while  he  lived  separate  from  his  lady  :  but,  upon 
their  reconciliation,  she  expressly  insisted  upon 
Weazel's  being  turned  off,  as  well  as  the  woman  he 
kept;  when  his  lordship,  to  get  rid  of  them  both 
with  a  good  grace,  proposed  that  he  should  marry 
his  mistress,  and  he  would  procure  a  commission  for 
him  in  the  army.  This  expedient  was  agreed  to; 
and  Weazel  is  now,  by  his  lordship's  interest,  ensign 

in 's  regiment.     I  found  he  and  I  had  the  same 

sentiments  with  regard  to  Weazel's  courage,  which 
we  resolved  to  put  to  the  trial,  by  alarming  the 
passengers  with  the  cry  of  "  A  highwayman ! "  as 
soon  as  an  horseman  should  appear.  This  scheme  we 
put  in  practice  towards  the  dusk,  when  we  descried 
a  man  on  horseback  approaching  us.  Joey  had  no 
sooner  intimated  to  the  people  in  the  waggon,  that 
he  was  afraid  we  should  all  be  robbed,  than  a  gen- 
eral consternation  arose.  Strap  jumped  out  of  the 
waggon,  and  hid  himself  behind  a  hedge.  The 
usurer  put  forth  ejaculations,  and  made  a  rustling 
among  the  straw,  which  made  us  conjecture  he  had 
hid  something  under  it.  Mrs.  Weazel,  wringing  her 
hands,  uttered  lamentable  cries ;  and  the  captain,  to 
[110] 


THE    CAPTAIN'S    COURAGE    TRIED 

our  great  amazement,  began  to  snore  ;  but  this  arti- 
fice did  not  succeed;  for  Miss  Jenny,  shaking  him 
by  the  shoulder,  bawled  out,  "  'Sdeath !  captain,  is 
this  a  time  to  snore,  when  we  are  going  to  be  robbed  ? 
Get  up,  for  shame,  and  behave  like  a  soldier  and  a 
man  of  honour."  Weazel  pretended  to  be  in  a  great 
passion  for  being  disturbed,  and  swore  he  would  have 
his  nap  out  if  all  the  highwaymen  in  England  sur- 
rounded him.  "  D — n  my  blood !  what  are  you 
afraid  of?"  continued  he,  at  the  same  time  trem- 
bling with  such  agitation,  that  the  whole  carriage 
shook.  This  singular  piece  of  behaviour  incensed 
Miss  Ramper  so  much,  that  she  cried,  "  D — n  your 
pitiful  soul,  you  are  as  arrant  a  poltroon  as  ever  was 
drummed  out  of  a  regiment.  —  Stop  the  waggon, 
Joey  —  let  me  get  out,  and  by  G — d,  if  I  have 
rhetoric  enough,  the  thief  shall  not  only  take  your 
purse,  but  your  skin  also." 

So  saying,  she  leapt  out  with  great  agility.  By 
this  time  the  horseman  came  up  with  us,  and  hap- 
pened to  be  a  gentleman's  servant  well  known  to 
Joey,  who  communicated  the  scheme,  and  desired  him 
to  carry  it  on  a  little  further,  by  going  up  to  the 
waggon,  and  questioning  those  within.  The  stranger 
consenting  for  the  sake  of  diversion,  approached  it, 
and  in  a  terrible  tone,  demanded,  "  Who  have  we  got 
here?"  Isaac  replied,  with  a  lamentable  voice, 
"  Here 's  a  poor  miserable  sinner,  who  has  got  a  small 
[111] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

family  to  maintain,  and  nothing  in  the  world  where- 
withal, but  these  fifteen  shillings,  which  if  you  rob  me 
of,  we  must  all  starve  together."  "  Who 's  that  sob- 
bing in  the  other  corner  ?  "  said  the  supposed  high- 
wayman. "  A  poor  unfortunate  woman,"  answered 
Mrs.  Weazel,  "  upon  whom  I  beg  you  for  Christ's  sake 
to  have  compassion."  "  Are  you  maid  or  wife  ?  "  said 
he.  "  Wife,  to  my  sorrow,"  cried  she.  "  Who  or 
where  is  your  husband  ?  "  continued  he.  "  My  hus- 
band," replied  Mrs.  Weazel,  "  is  an  officer  in  the  army, 
and  was  left  sick  at  the  last  inn  where  we  dined." 
"  You  must  be  mistaken,  madam,"  said  he,  "  for  I 
myself  saw  him  get  into  the  waggon  this  afternoon. 
—  But  pray  what  smell  is  that  ?  Sure  your  lap-dog 
has  befouled  himself ;  —  let  me  catch  hold  of  the 
nasty  cur,  1 11  teach  him  better  manners."  Here  he 
laid  hold  of  one  of  WeazePs  legs,  and  pulled  him  out 
from  under  his  wife's  petticoats,  where  he  had  con- 
cealed himself.  The  poor  trembling  captain,  being 
detected  in  this  inglorious  situation,  rubbed  his  eyes, 
and  affecting  to  wake  out  of  sleep,  cried,  "  What  ?s 
the  matter  ?  —  what 's  the  matter  ?  "  "  The  matter 
is  not  much,"  answered  the  horseman,  "  I  only  called 
in  to  inquire  after  your  health,  and  so  adieu,  most 
noble  captain."  So  saying,  he  clapt  spurs  to  his 
horse,  and  was  out  of  sight  in  a  moment.  It  was 
some  time  before  Weazel  could  recollect  himself,  but 
at  length  reassuming  the  big  look,  he  said,  "  D — n  the 


ISAAC'S    MIRTH 

fellow  !  why  did  he  ride  away,  before  I  had  time  to 
ask  him  how  his  lord  and  lady  do  ?  —  Don't  you 
remember  Tom,  my  dear?  "  addressing  himself  to  his 
wife.  "  Yes,"  replied  she,  "  I  think  I  do  remember 
something  of  the  fellow  —  but  you  know  I  seldom 
converse  with  people  of  his  station."  "  Hey-day," 
cried  Joey,  "  do  yaw  knaw  the  young  mon,  coptain  ?  " 
"  Know  him,"  said  Weazel,  "  many  a  time  has  he 
filled  a  glass  of  Burgundy  for  me  at  my  Lord  Trippet's 
table."  "  And  what  may  his  neame  be,  coptain  ?  " 
said  Joey.  "  His  name  ?  —  his  name,"  replied  Weazel, 
"  is  Tom  Rinser."  "  Waunds  !  "  cried  Joey,  "  a  has 
changed  his  own  neame  then  !  for  I  'se  lay  a  wager  he 
was  christened  John  Trotter."  This  observation 
raised  a  laugh  against  the  captain,  who  seemed  very 
much  disconcerted ;  when  Isaac  broke  silence,  and 
said,  "It  was  no  matter  who  or  what  he  was,  since  he 
has  not  proved  the  robber  we  suspected.  And  we 
ought  to  bless  God  for  our  narrow  escape."  "  Bless 
God,"  said  Weazel,  "  bless  the  devil !  for  what  ?  had 
he  been  a  highwayman,  I  should  have  eat  his  blood, 
body,  and  guts,  before  he  had  robbed  me,  or  any  one 
in  this  diligence,'"  "  Ha,  ha,  ha  ! "  cried  Miss  Jenny, 
"  I  believe  you  will  eat  all  you  kill  indeed,  captain." 
The  usurer  was  so  well  pleased  at  the  event  of  this 
adventure,  that  he  could  not  refrain  from  being  severe, 
and  took  notice,  that  Captain  Weazel  seemed  to  be  a 
good  Christian,  for  he  had  armed  himself  with  patience 

TOL.L  — 8 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

and  resignation,  instead  of  carnal  weapons,  and  worked 
out  his  salvation  with  fear  and  trembling.  This  piece 
of  satire  occasioned  a  great  deal  of  mirth  at  WeazePs 
expense,  who  muttered  a  great  many  oaths,  and  threat- 
ened to  cut  Isaac's  throat.  The  usurer  taking  hold 
of  this  menace,  said,  "  Gentlemen  and  ladies,  I  take 
you  all  to  witness,  that  my  life  is  in  danger  from  this 
bloody-minded  officer.  1 11  have  him  bound  over  to 
the  peace."  This  second  sneer  procured  another 
laugh  against  him,  and  he  remained  crestfallen  during 
the  remaining  part  of  our  journey. 


[114] 


CHAPTER    THIRTEEN 

STRAP   AND    I   ARE   TERRIFIED   BY   AN   APPARITION 

STRAP'S  CONJECTURE  —  THE  MYSTERY  EXPLAINED  BY 

JOEY WE  ARRIVE  AT  LONDON OUR  DRESS  AND 

APPEARANCE  DESCRIBED WE   ARE   INSULTED    IN 

THE  STREET AN  ADVENTURE  IN  AN  ALE-HOUSE 

WE  ARE  IMPOSED  UPON  BY  A  WAGGISH  FOOTMAN 

SET  TO  RIGHTS  BY  A  TOBACCONIST TAKE  LODGINGS 

—  DIVE  FOR  A   DINNER AN  ACCIDENT  AT   OUR 

ORDINARY. 

WE  arrived  at  our  inn,  supped,  and  went 
to  bed ;  but  Strap's  distemper  continu- 
ing, he  was  obliged  to  rise  in  the  mid- 
dle   of   the    night,    and    taking    the 
candle  in  his  hand,  which  he  had  left  burning  for  the 
purpose,  he  went  down  to  the  house  of  office,  whence, 
in  a  short  time,  he  returned  in  a  great  hurry,  with  his 
hair  standing  on  end,  and  a  look  betokening  horror 
and  astonishment !     Without  speaking  a  word,  he  set 
down  the  light,  and  jumped  into  bed  behind  me, 
where   he   lay    and   trembled    with   great   violence. 
When  I  asked  him  what  was  the  matter?  he  replied, 
with  a  broken  accent,  "  God  have  mercy  on  us !  —  I 
have  seen  the  devil ! "    Though  my  prejudice  was  not 
[115] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

quite  so  strong  as  his,  I  was  not  a  little  alarmed  at 
this  exclamation ;  and  much  more  so,  when  I  heard 
the  sound  of  bells  approaching  our  chamber,  and 
felt  my  bedfellow  cling  close  to  me,  uttering  these 
words,  "  Christ  have  mercy  upon  us !  —  there  he 
comes !  " 

At  that  instant,  a  monstrous  overgrown  raven 
entered  our  chamber,  with  bells  at  his  feet,  and  made 
directly  towards  our  bed.  As  this  creature  is  reck- 
oned in  our  country  a  common  vehicle  for  the  devil 
and  witches  to  play  their  pranks  in,  I  verily  believed 
we  were  haunted,  and,  in  a  violent  fright,  shrunk 
under  the  bedclothes.  This  terrible  apparition  leapt 
upon  the  bed,  and,  after  giving  us  several  severe 
dabs  with  its  beak  through  the  blankets,  hopped 
away  and  vanished.  Strap  and  I  recommended  our- 
selves to  the  protection  of  Heaven  with  great  devo- 
tion ;  and,  when  we  no  longer  heard  the  noise,  ven- 
tured to  peep  up  and  take  breath.  But  we  had  not 
been  long  freed  from  this  phantom,  when  another 
appeared,  that  had  well-nigh  deprived  us  both  of  our 
senses.  We  perceived  an  old  man  enter  the  room, 
with  a  long  white  beard  that  reached  to  his  middle ; 
there  was  a  certain  wild  peculiarity  in  his  eyes  and 
countenance  that  did  not  savour  of  this  world  ;  and 
his  dress  consisted  of  a  brown  stuff  coat,  buttoned 
behind  and  at  the  wrists,  with  an  odd-fashioned  cap  of 
the  same  stuff  upon  his  head.  I  was  so  amazed,  that 
[116] 


AN    APPARITION 

I  had  not  power  to  move  my  eyes  from  such  a 
ghastly  object,  but  lay  motionless,  and  saw  him  come 
straight  up  to  me.  When  he  reached  the  bed,  he 
wrung  his  hands,  and  cried,  with  a  voice  that  did 
not  seem  to  belong  to  a  human  creature,  "  Where  is 
Ralph  ? "  I  made  no  reply ;  upon  which  he  re- 
peated, in  an  accent  still  more  preternatural,  "  Where 
is  Ralpho  ?  "  He  had  no  sooner  pronounced  these 
words,  than  I  heard  the  sound  of  the  bells  at  a  dis- 
tance ;  which  the  apparition  having  listened  to,  tripped 
away,  and  left  me  almost  petrified  with  fear.  It  was 
a  good  while  before  I  could  recover  myself  so  far  as 
to  speak ;  and  when  at  length  I  turned  to  Strap,  I 
found  him  in  a  fit,  which,  however,  did  not  last 
long.  When  he  came  to  himself,  I  asked  his  opinion 
of  what  had  happened  ;  and  he  assured  me,  that  the 
first  must  certainly  be  the  soul  of  some  person 
damned,  which  appeared  by  the  chains  about  his 
legs,  (for  his  fears  had  magnified  the  creature  to  the 
bigness  of  a  horse,  and  the  sound  of  small  morrice- 
bells  to  the  clanking  of  massy  chains).  As  for  the 
old  man,  he  took  it  to  be  the  spirit  of  somebody 
murdered  long  ago  in  this  place,  which  had  power 
granted  to  it  to  torment  the  assassin  in  the  shape  of 
a  raven,  and  that  Ralpho  was  the  name  of  the  said 
murderer.  Although  I  had  not  much  faith  in  this 
interpretation,  I  was  too  much  troubled  to  enjoy 
any  sleep,  and  in  all  my  future  adventures  never 
[117] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

passed  a  night  so  ill.  In  the  morning,  Strap  im- 
parted the  whole  affair  to  Joey,  who,  after  an  immod- 
erate fit  of  laughter,  explained  the  matter,  by  telling 
him  the  old  man  was  the  landlord's  father,  who  had 
been  an  idiot  some  years,  and  diverted  himself  with 
a  tame  raven,  which,  it  seems,  had  hopped  away 
from  his  apartment  in  the  night,  and  induced  him 
to  follow  it  to  our  chamber,  where  he  had  inquired 
after  it,  under  the  name  of  Ralpho. 

Nothing  remarkable  happened  during  the  remain- 
ing part  of  our  journey,  which  continued  six  or 
seven  days  longer.  At  length,  we  entered  the  great 
city,  and  lodged  all  night  at  the  inn  where  the 
waggon  put  up.  Next  morning,  all  the  passengers 
parted  different  ways ;  while  my  companion  and  I 
sallied  out  to  inquire  for  the  member  of  parliament, 
to  whom  I  had  a  letter  of  recommendation  from  Mr. 
Crab.  As  we  had  discharged  our  lodging  at  the  inn, 
Strap  took  up  our  baggage  and  marched  behind  me 
in  the  street,  with  the  knapsack  on  his  back,  as 
usual,  so  that  we  made  a  very  whimsical  appearance. 
I  had  dressed  myself  to  the  greatest  advantage  — 
that  is,  put  on  a  clean  ruffled  shirt,  and  my  best 
thread  stockings.  My  hair,  which  was  of  the  deep- 
est red,  hung  down  upon  my  shoulders,  as  lank  and 
straight  as  a  pound  of  candles ;  and  the  skirts  of  my 
coat  reached  to  the  middle  of  my  leg ;  my  waistcoat 
and  breeches  were  of  the  same  piece,  and  cut  in  the 
[118] 


ARRIVAL    IN    LONDON 

same  taste;  and  my  hat  very  much  resembled  a 
barber's  bason,  in  the  shallowness  of  the  crown,  and 
narrowness  of  the  brim.  Strap  was  habited  in  a 
much  less  awkward  manner ;  but  a  short  crop-eared 
wig  that  very  much  resembled  Scrub's  in  the  play,  and 
the  knapsack  on  his  back,  added  to  what  is  called  a 
queer  phiz,  occasioned  by  a  long  chin,  hook  nose, 
and  high  cheek-bones,  rendered  him  on  the  whole  a 
very  fit  subject  of  mirth  and  pleasantry. 

As  we  walked  along,  Strap,  at  my  desire,  inquired 
of  a  carman,  whom  we  met,  whereabouts  Mr.  Cringer 
lived  ;  and  was  answered  by  a  stare,  accompanied  with 
the  word, "  Anan  ! "  Upon  which  I  came  up  in  order 
to  explain  the  question,  but  had  the  misfortune  to 
be  unintelligible  likewise,  the  carman  damning  us 
for  a  lousy  Scotch  guard,  and  whipping  his  horses, 
with  a  "  Gee  ho ! "  which  nettled  me  to  the  quick, 
and  roused  the  indignation  of  Strap  so  far,  that, 
after  the  fellow  was  gone  a  good  way,  he  told  me  he 
would  fight  him  for  a  farthing.  While  we  were 
deliberating  upon  what  was  to  be  done,  an  hackney 
coachman,  driving  softly  along,  and  perceiving  us 
standing  by  the  kennel,  came  up  close  to  us,  and 
calling,  "  A  coach,  master !  "  by  a  dexterous  manage- 
ment of  the  reins,  made  his  horses  stumble  in  the 
wet,  and  bedaub  us  all  over  with  mud.  After  which 
exploit,  he  drove  on,  applauding  himself  with  a 
hearty  laugh,  in  which  several  people  joined,  to  my 
[119] 


RODERICK   RANDOM 

great  mortification ;  but  one,  more  compassionate 
than  the  rest,  seeing  us  strangers,  advised  me  to  go 
into  an  ale-house  and  dry  myself.  I  thanked  him 
for  his  advice,  which  I  immediately  complied  with ; 
and  going  into  the  house  he  pointed  out,  called  for  a 
pot  of  beer,  and  sat  down  by  a  fire  in  the  public 
room,  where  we  cleaned  ourselves  as  well  as  we 
could.  In  the  meantime,  a  wag,  who  sat  in  a  box, 
smoking  his  pipe,  understanding  by  our  dialect  that 
we  were  from  Scotland,  came  up  to  me,  and,  with 
a  grave  countenance,  asked  how  long  I  had  been 
caught?  As  I  did  not  know  the  meaning  of  this 
question,  I  made  no  answer ;  and  he  went  on,  saying, 
it  could  not  be  a  great  while,  for  my  tail  was  not  yet 
cut ;  at  the  same  time,  taking  hold  of  my  hair,  and 
tipping  the  wink  to  the  rest  of  the  company,  who 
seemed  highly  entertained  with  his  wit.  I  was 
incensed  at  this  usage,  but  afraid  of  resenting  it, 
because  I  happened  to  be  in  a  strange  place,  and 
perceived  the  person  who  spoke  to  me  was  a  brawny 
fellow,  for  whom  I  thought  myself  by  no  means  a 
match.  However,  Strap  having  either  more  courage, 
or  less  caution,  could  not  put  up  with  the  insults 
that  I  suffered ;  but  told  him,  in  a  peremptory  tone, 
"  He  was  an  uncivil  fellow  for  making  so  free  with  his 
betters."  Then  the  wit,  going  towards  him,  asked 
him  what  he  had  got  in  his  knapsack  ?  "  Is  it  oat- 
meal, or  brimstone,  Sawney  ?  "  said  he,  seizing  him 
[  120] 


QUARREL    IN    AN    ALEHOUSE 

by  the  chin,  which  he  shook,  to  the  inexpressible 
diversion  of  all  present.  My  companion,  feeling 
himself  assaulted  in  such  an  opprobrious  manner, 
disengaged  himself  in  a  trice,  and  lent  his  antagonist 
such  a  box  on  the  ear,  as  made  him  stagger  to  the 
other  side  of  the  room  ;  and,  in  a  moment,  a  ring  was 
formed  for  the  combatants.  Seeing  Strap  beginning 
to  strip,  and  my  blood  being  heated  with  indigna- 
tion, which  banished  all  other  thoughts,  I  undressed 
myself  to  the  skin  in  an  instant,  and  declared,  that 
as  the  affront  that  occasioned  the  quarrel  was  of- 
fered to  me,  I  would  fight  it  out  myself;  upon  which 
one  or  two  cried  out,  "  That  ""s  a  brave  Scotch  boy ; 
you  shall  have  fair  play,  by  G — d." 

This  assurance  gave  me  fresh  spirits,  and  going  up 
to  my  adversary,  who,  by  his  pale  countenance,  did 
not  seem  much  inclined  to  the  battle,  I  struck  him  so 
hard  on  the  stomach,  that  he  reeled  over  the  bench, 
and  fell  to  the  ground.  Then  I  attempted  to  keep 
him  down,  in  order  to  improve  my  success,  according 
to  the  manner  of  my  own  country,  but  was  restrained 
by  the  spectators,  one  of  whom  endeavoured  to  raise 
up  my  opponent,  but  in  vain ;  for  he  protested  he 
would  not  fight,  for  he  was  not  quite  recovered  of 
a  late  illness.  I  was  very  well  pleased  with  this 
excuse,  and  immediately  dressed  myself,  having  ac- 
quired the  good  opinion  of  the  company  for  my 
bravery,  as  well  as  of  my  comrade  Strap,  who  shook 
[121] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

me  by  the  hand,  and  wished  me  joy  of  the  victory. 
After  having  drunk  our  pot,  and  dried  our  clothes, 
we  inquired  of  the  landlord  if  he  knew  Mr.  Cringer, 
the  member  of  parliament,  and  were  amazed  at  his 
replying  in  the  negative ;  for  we  imagined,  he  must 
be  altogether  as  conspicuous  here,  as  in  the  borough 
he  represented;  but  he  told  us  we  might  possibly 
hear  of  him  as  we  passed  along.  We  betook  our- 
selves, therefore,  to  the  street,  where,  seeing  a  foot- 
man standing  at  a  door,  we  made  up  to  him,  and 
asked  if  he  knew  where  our  patron  lived  ?  This 
member  of  the  party-coloured  fraternity,  surveying 
us  both  very  minutely,  said  he  knew  Mr.  Cringer 
very  well,  and  bade  us  turn  down  the  first  street  on 
our  left,  then  turn  to  the  right,  and  then  to  the  left 
again,  after  which  perambulation  we  would  observe 
a  lane,  through  which  we  must  pass,  and  at  the  other 
end  we  should  find  an  alley  that  leads  to  another 
street,  where  we  should  see  the  sign  of  the  Thistle 
and  Three  Pedlars,  and  there  he  lodged. 

We  thanked  him  for  his  information,  and  went 
forwards,  Strap  telling  me,  that  he  knew  this  person 
to  be  an  honest  friendly  man,  by  his  countenance, 
before  he  opened  his  mouth ;  in  which  opinion  I 
acquiesced,  ascribing  his  good  manners  to  the  com- 
pany he  daily  saw  in  the  house  where  he  served. 
We  followed  his  directions  punctually,  in  turning 
to  the  left  and  to  the  right,  and  to  the  left  again ; 
[  122] 


FIND    LODGINGS 

but,  instead  of  seeing  a  lane  before  us,  found  our- 
selves at  the  side  of  the  river,  a  circumstance  that 
perplexed  us  not  a  little ;  and  my  fellow-traveller 
ventured  to  pronounce,  that  we  had  certainly  missed 
our  way.  By  this  time  we  were  pretty  much  fatigued 
with  our  walk,  and  not  knowing  how  to  proceed,  I 
went  into  a  small  snuff  shop  hard  by,  encouraged  by 
the  sign  of  the  Highlander,  where  I  found,  to  my 
inexpressible  satisfaction,  the  shopkeeper  was  my 
countryman.  He  was  no  sooner  informed  of  our 
peregrination,  and  the  directions  we  had  received 
from  the  footman,  than  he  informed  us,  we  had  been 
imposed  upon,  telling  us,  Mr.  Cringer  lived  in  the 
othe:-  end  of  the  town  ;  and  that  it  would  be  to 
no  purpose  for  us  to  go  thither  to-day,  for  by  that 
time  he  was  gone  to  the  House.  I  then  asked  if 
he  could  recommend  us  to  a  lodging.  He  readily 
gave  us  a  line  to  one  of  his  acquaintance,  who  kept 
a  chandler's  shop  not  far  from  St.  Martin's  Lane; 
there  we  hired  a  bedroom,  up  two  pair  of  stairs, 
at  the  rate  of  2s.  per  week,  so  very  small,  that,  when 
the  bed  was  let  down,  we  were  obliged  to  carry  out 
every  other  piece  of  furniture  that  belonged  to  the 
apartment,  and  use  the  bedstead  by  way  of  chairs. 
About  dinner  time,  our  landlord  asked  us  how  we 
proposed  to  live?  to  which  interrogation  we  an- 
swered, that  we  would  be  directed  by  him.  "  Well, 
then,"  says  he,  "  there  are  two  ways  of  eating  in  this 
[123] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

town,  for  people  of  your  condition  —  the  one  more 
creditable  and  expensive  than  the  other  ;  the  first  is, 
to  dine  at  an  eating-house,  frequented  by  well-dressed 
people  only  ;  and  the  other  is  called  diving,  practised 
by  those  who  are  either  obliged  or  inclined  to  live 
frugally."  I  gave  him  to  understand,  that,  provided 
the  last  was  not  infamous,  it  would  suit  much  better 
with  our  circumstances  than  the  other.  "  Infamous," 
cried  he,  "  God  forbid !  there  are  many  creditable 
people,  rich  people,  ay,  and  fine  people,  that  dive 
every  day.  I  have  seen  many  a  pretty  gentleman, 
with  a  laced  waistcoat,  dine  in  that  manner  very 
comfortably  for  threepence  halfpenny,  and  go  after- 
wards to  the  coffee-house,  where  he  made  a  figure 
with  the  best  lord  in  the  land  ;  but  your  own  eyes 
shall  bear  witness  —  I  will  go  along  with  you  to-day, 
and  introduce  you.""  He  accordingly  conducted  us 
to  a  certain  lane,  where  stopping,  he  bade  us  observe 
him,  and  do  as  he  did ;  and,  walking  a  few  paces, 
dived  into  a  cellar,  and  disappeared  in  an  instant. 

I  followed  his  example,  and  descending  very  suc- 
cessfully, found  myself  in  the  middle  of  a  cook's 
shop,  almost  suffocated  with  the  steams  of  boiled 
beef,  and  surrounded  by  a  company  of  hackney 
coachmen,  chairmen,  draymen,  and  a  few  footmen 
out  of  place,  or  on  board  wages,  who  sat  eating 
shin  of  beef,  tripe,  cowheel,  or  sausages,  at  sepa- 
rate boards,  covered  with  cloths  which  turned  my 
[  124  ] 


DIVING    FOR    A    DINNER 

stomach.  While  I  stood  in  amaze,  undetermined 
whether  to  sit  down  or  walk  upwards  again,  Strap, 
in  his  descent,  missing  one  of  the  steps,  tumbled 
headlong  into  this  infernal  ordinary,  and  overturned 
the  cook,  as  she  carried  a  porringer  of  soup  to  one 
of  the  guests.  In  her  fall,  she  dashed  the  whole 
mess  against  the  legs  of  a  drummer,  belonging  to 
the  foot-guards,  who  happened  to  be  in  her  way, 
and  scalded  him  so  miserably,  that  he  started  up, 
and  danced  up  and  down,  uttering  a  volley  of  exe- 
crations, that  made  my  hair  stand  on  end.  While 
he  entertained  the  company  in  this  manner,  with 
an  eloquence  peculiar  to  himself,  the  cook  got  up, 
and,  after  a  hearty  curse  on  the  poor  author  of  this 
mischance,  who  lay  under  the  table,  scratching  his 
rump  with  a  woeful  countenance,  emptied  a  saltcellar 
in  her  hand,  and  stripping  down  the  patient's  stock- 
ing, which  brought  the  skin  along  with  it,  applied 
the  contents  to  the  sore.  This  poultice  was  scarce 
laid  on,  when  the  drummer,  who  had  begun  to  abate 
of  his  exclamation,  broke  forth  into  such  a  hideous 
yell,  as  made  the  whole  company  tremble ;  then, 
seizing  a  pewter  pint  pot  that  stood  by  him,  squeezed 
the  sides  of  it  together,  as  if  it  had  been  made  of 
pliant  leather,  grinding  his  teeth  at  the  same  time 
with  a  most  horrible  grin.  Guessing  the  cause  of 
this  violent  transport,  I  bade  the  woman  wash  off 
the  salt,  and  bathe  the  part  with  oil,  which  she  did, 
[125] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

and  procured  him  immediate  ease.  But  here  another 
difficulty  occurred,  which  was  no  other  than  the 
landlady's  insisting  on  his  paying  for  the  pot  he  had 
rendered  useless.  He  swore  he  would  pay  for  noth- 
ing but  what  he  had  eaten,  and  bade  her  be  thank- 
ful for  his  moderation,  or  else  he  would  prosecute 
her  for  damages.  Strap,  foreseeing  the  whole  affair 
would  lie  at  his  door,  promised  to  satisfy  the  cook, 
and  called  for  a  dram  of  gin  to  treat  the  drummer, 
which  entirely  appeased  him,  and  composed  all  ani- 
mosities. After  this  accommodation,  our  landlord 
and  we  sat  down  at  a  board,  and  dined  upon  shin 
of  beef  most  deliciously ;  our  reckoning  amounting 
to  twopence  halfpenny  each,  bread  and  small  beer 
included. 


[126] 


CHAPTER    FOURTEEN 

WE    VISIT    STRAP^S    FRIEND A    DESCRIPTION    OF    HIM 

HIS    ADVICE WE    GO    TO    MR.  CRINGER's    HOUSE 

ARE    DENIED   ADMITTANCE AN  ACCIDENT  BEFALLS 

STRAP HIS  BEHAVIOUR  THEREUPON AN  EXTRA- 
ORDINARY ADVENTURE  OCCURS,  IN  THE  COURSE  OF 
WHICH  I  LOSE  ALL  MY  MONEY. 

IN  the  afternoon  my  companion  proposed  to  call 
at  his  friend's  house,  which,  we  were  informed, 
was  in  the  neighbourhood  ;  whither  we  accord- 
ingly went,  and  were  so  lucky  as  to  find  him  at 
home.    This  gentleman,  who  had  come  from  Scotland 
three  or  four  years  before,  kept  a  school  in  town, 
where  he  taught  the  Latin,  French,  and  Italian  lan- 
guages ;  but  what  he  chiefly  professed  was  the  pro- 
nunciation of  the  English  tongue,  after  a   method 
more  speedy  and  uncommon  than  any  practised  here- 
tofore ;  and,  indeed,  if  his  scjholars  spoke  like  their 
master,  the  latter  part  of  his  undertaking  was  cer- 
tainly performed  to  a  tittle  ;  for,  although  I  could 
easily  understand  every  word  of  what  I  had  heard 
hitherto  since  I  entered  England,  three  parts  in  four 
of  his  dialect  were  as  unintelligible  to  me  as  if  he  had 
[127] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

spoken  in  Arabic  or  Irish.  He  was  a  middle-sized 
man,  and  stooped  very  much,  though  not  above  the 
age  of  forty;  his  face  frightfully  pitted  with  the 
smallpox,  and  his  mouth  extended  from  ear  to  ear. 
He  was  dressed  in  a  night-gown  of  plaid,  fastened 
about  his  middle  with  a  Serjeant's  old  sash,  and  a  tie 
periwig,  with  a  fore-top  three  inches  high,  in  the 
fashion  of  King  Charles  the  Second's  reign.  After 
he  had  received  Strap  (who  was  related  to  him)  very 
courteously,  he  inquired  of  him  who  I  was,  and,  being 
informed,  took  me  by  the  hand,  telling  me  he  was  at 
school  with  my  father.  When  he  understood  my 
situation,  he  assured  me  that  he  would  do  me  all  the 
service  in  his  power,  both  by  his  advice  and  otherwise ; 
and,  while  he  spoke  these  words,  eyed  me  with  great 
attention,  walking  round  me  several  times,  and  mut- 
tering, "  O  Ch— st !  O  Ch— st !  fat  a  saight  is  here  ! " 
I  soon  guessed  the  reason  of  his  ejaculation,  and  said, 
"  I  suppose,  sir,  you  are  not  pleased  with  my  dress  ?  " 
"  Dress,"  answered  he ;  "  you  may  caal  it  fat  you 
please  in  your  country,  but  I  vaw  to  Gad,  't  is  a  mas- 
querade here.  No  Christian  will  admit  such  a  figure 
into  his  hawse.  Upon  my  conscience  !  I  wonder  the 
dogs  did  not  hunt  you.  Did  you  pass  through  St. 
James's  market  ?  God  bless  my  eye-saight !  you  look 
like  a  cousin-german  of  Ouran  Outang."  —  I  began 
to  be  a  little  serious  at  this  discourse,  and  asked  him 
if  he  thought  I  should  obtain  entrance  to-morrow  at 
[128] 


STRAP'S    FRIEND 

the  house  of  Mr.  Cringer,  on  whom  I  chiefly  depended 
for  an  introduction  into  business.  "  Mr.  Cringer,  Mr. 
Cringer,"  replied  he,  scratching  his  cheek,  "  may  be  a 
very  honest  gentleman  —  I  know  nothing  to  the  con- 
trary ;  but  is  your  sole  dependence  upon  him  ?  Who 
recommended  you  to  him  ?  "  I  pulled  out  Mr.  Crab's 
letter,  and  told  him  the  foundation  of  my  hopes; 
at  which  he  stared  at  me,  and  repeated,  "  Ch — st !  "  I 
began  to  conceive  bad  omens  from  this  behaviour  of 
his,  and  begged  he  would  assist  me  with  his  advice, 
which  he  promised  to  give  me  frankly;  and,  as  a 
specimen,  directed  us  to  a  periwig  warehouse  in  the 
neighbourhood,  in  order  to  be  accommodated ;  laying 
strong  injunctions  on  me  not  to  appear  before  Mr. 
Cringer  till  I  had  parted  with  these  carroty  locks, 
which  he  said  were  sufficient  to  beget  an  antipathy 
against  me  in  all  mankind.  And,  as  we  were  going  to 
pursue  this  advice,  he  called  me  back,  and  bade  me  be 
sure  to  deliver  my  letter  into  Mr.  Cringer's  own  hand. 
As  we  walked  along  Strap  triumphed  greatly  in  our 
reception  with  his  friend,  who,  it  seems,  had  assured 
him  he  would,  in  a  day  or  two,  provide  for  him  with 
some  good  master ;  and  "  Now,"  says  he,  "  you  shall 
see  how  I  shall  fit  you  with  a  wig.  There 's  ne'er  a 
barber  in  London,  and  that's  a  bold  word,  can  palm 
a  rotten  caul,  or  a  pennyweight  of  dead  hair  upon 
me."  And,  indeed,  this  zealous  adherent  did  wrangle 
so  long  with  the  merchant  that  he  was  desired  twenty 

YOL.I.-9  [129] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

times  to  leave  the  shop,  and  see  if  he  could  get  one 
cheaper  elsewhere.  At  length  I  made  choice  of  a 
good  handsome  bob,  for  which  I  paid  ten  shillings, 
and  returned  to  our  lodging,  where  Strap  in  a 
moment  rid  me  of  that  hair  which  had  given  the 
schoolmaster  so  much  offence. 

We  got  up  next  day  betimes,  having  been  informed 
that  Mr.  Cringer  gave  audience  by  candle-light  to  all 
his  dependants,  he  himself  being  obliged  to  attend 
the  levee  of  my  Lord  Terrier  at  break  of  day  ;  be- 
cause his  lordship  made  one  at  the  minister's  between 
eight  and  nine  o'clock.  When  we  came  to  Mr.  Crin- 
ger's  door,  Strap,  to  give  me  an  instance  of  his 
politeness,  ran  to  the  knocker,  which  he  employed  so 
loud  and  so  long  that  he  alarmed  the  whole  street ; 
and  a  window  opening  in  the  second  storey  of  the 
next  house,  a  chamber-pot  was  discharged  upon  him 
so  successfully  that  the  poor  barber  was  wet  to  the 
skin,  while  I,  being  luckily  at  some  distance,  escaped 
the  unsavoury  deluge.  In  the  meantime  a  footman 
opening  the  door,  and  seeing  nobody  in  the  street 
but  us,  asked  with  a  stern  countenance  if  it  was  I  who 
made  such  a  d — ned  noise,  and  what  I  wanted  ?  I  told 
him  I  had  business  with  his  master,  whom  I  desired 
to  see.  Upon  which  he  clapped  the  door  in  my  face, 
telling  me  I  must  learn  better  manners  before  I  could 
have  access  to  his  master.  Vexed  at  this  disappoint- 
ment, I  turned  my  resentment  against  Strap,  whom  I 
[  130] 


ENCOUNTER  WITH  A  STRANGER 

sharply  reprimanded  for  his  presumption  ;  but  he,  not 
in  the  least  regarding  what  I  said,  wrung  the  urine 
out  of  his  periwig,  and  lifting  up  a  large  stone,  flung 
it  with  such  force  against  the  street  door  of  that  house 
from  whence  he  had  been  bedewed, that  the  lock  giving 
way,  it  flew  wide  open,  and  he  took  to  his  heels,  leav- 
ing me  to  follow  him  as  I  could.  Indeed  there  was 
no  time  for  deliberation ;  I  therefore  pursued  him 
•with  all  the  speed  I  could  exert,  until  we  found  our- 
selves about  the  dawn  in  a  street  we  did  not  know. 
Here,  as  we  wandered  along  gaping  about,  a  very 
decent  sort  of  a  man  passing  by  me,  stopped  of  a  sud- 
den, and  took  up  something,  which  having  examined, 
he  turned  and  presented  it  to  me  with  these  words  : 
"  Sir,  you  have  dropped  half  a  crown.11  I  was  not 
a  little  surprised  at  this  instance  of  honesty,  and 
told  him  it  did  not  belong  to  me ;  but  ne  bade  me 
recollect,  and  see  if  all  my  money  was  safe:  upon 
which  I  pulled  out  my  purse  (for  I  had  bought  one 
since  I  came  to  town),  and  reckoning  my  money 
in  my  hand,  which  was  now  reduced  to  five  guineas 
seven  shillings  and  twopence,  assured  him  I  had  lost 
nothing. 

"  Well,  then,11  says  he,  "  so  much  the  better  —  this 
is  a  godsend ;  and,  as  you  two  were  present  when  I 
picked  it  up,  you  are  entitled  to  equal  shares  with 
me."  I  was  astonished  at  these  words,  and  looked 
upon  this  person  to  be  a  prodigy  of  integrity,  but 
[131] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

absolutely  refused  to  take  any  part  of  the  sum. 
"  Come,  gentlemen,"  said  he,  "  you  are  too  modest 
—  I  see  you  are  strangers ;  but  you  shall  give  me 
leave  to  treat  you  with  a  whet  this  cold  raw  morn- 
ing." I  would  have  declined  this  invitation,  but 
Strap  whispered  to  me  that  the  gentleman  would  be 
affronted,  and  I  complied.  "  Where  shall  we  go  ?  " 
said  the  stranger,  "  I  am  quite  ignorant  of  this  part 
of  the  town/'  I  informed  him  that  we  were  in  the 
same  situation :  upon  which  he  proposed  to  go  into 
the  first  public-house  we  should  find  open ;  and,  as 
we  walked  together,  he  began  in  this  manner :  "  I 
find  by  your  tongues  you  are  from  Scotland,  gen- 
tlemen. My  grandmother  by  the  father's  side  was 
of  your  country ;  and  I  am  so  prepossessed  in  its 
favour  that  I  never  meet  a  Scotchman  but  my  heart 
warms.  The  Scots  are  a  very  brave  people.  There 
is  scarce  a  great  family  in  the  kingdom  that  cannot 
boast  of  some  exploits  performed  by  its  ancestors 
many  hundred  years  ago.  There 's  your  Douglasses, 
Gordons,  Campbells,  Hamiltons.  We  have  no  such 
ancient  families  here  in  England.  Then  you  are  all 
very  well  educated.  I  have  known  a  pedlar  talk  in 
Greek  and  Hebrew  as  well  as  if  they  had  been  his 
mother  tongue.  And,  for  honesty,  I  once  had  a  ser- 
vant, his  name  was  Gregory  Macgregor :  I  would  have 
trusted  him  with  untold  gold."  —  This  eulogium  on 
my  native  country  gained  my  affection  so  strongly 
[  132  ] 


A    HAND    AT    WHIST 

that  I  believe  I  could  have  gone  to  death  to  serve 
the  author ;  and  Strap's  eyes  swam  in  tears. 

At  length,  as  we  passed  through  a  dark  narrow  lane, 
we  perceived  a  public-house,  which  we  entered,  and 
found  a  man  sitting  by  the  fire,  smoking  a  pipe,  with 
a  pint  of  purl  before  him.  Our  new  acquaintance  asked 
us  if  ever  we  had  drank  egg-flip  ?  To  which  ques- 
tion we  answering  in  the  negative,  he  assured  us  of  a 
regale,  and  ordered  a  quart  to  be  prepared,  calling 
for  pipes  and  tobacco  at  the  same  time.  We  found 
this  composition  very  palatable,  and  drank  heartily ; 
the  conversation,  which  was  introduced  by  the  gen- 
tleman, turning  upon  the  snares  that  young  unex- 
perienced people  are  exposed  to  in  this  metropolis. 
He  described  a  thousand  cheats  that  are  daily  prac- 
tised upon  the  ignorant  and  unwary ;  and  warned  us 
of  them  with  so  much  good  nature  and  concern,  that 
we  blessed  the  opportunity  which  threw  us  in  his 
way.  After  we  had  put  the  can  about  for  some 
time,  our  new  friend  began  to  yawn,  telling  us  he 
had  been  up  all  night  with  a  sick  person ;  and 
proposed  we  should  have  recourse  to  some  diver- 
sion to  keep  him  awake.  "Suppose,"  said  he,  "we 
should  take  a  hand  at  whist  for  pastime.  But  let 
me  see,  that  won't  do,  there  's  only  three  of  us ;  and  I 
cannot  play  at  any  other  game.  The  truth  is,  I  seldom 
or  never  play,  but  out  of  complaisance,  or  at  such  a 
time  as  this,  when  I  am  in  danger  of  falling  asleep." 
[133] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

Although  I  was  not  much  inclined  to  gaming,  1  felt 
no  aversion  to  pass  an  hour  or  two  at  cards  with  a 
friend ;  and  knowing  that  Strap  understood  as  much 
of  the  matter  as  I,  made  no  scruple  of  saying,  "  I 
wish  we  could  find  a  fourth  hand."  While  we  were 
in  this  perplexity,  the  person  whom  we  found  in  the 
house  at  our  entrance  overhearing  our  discourse,  took 
the  pipe  from  his  mouth  very  gravely,  and  accosted 
us  thus  :  "  Gentlemen,  my  pipe  is  out,  you  see  (shak- 
ing the  ashes  into  the  fire),  and  rather  than  you 
should  be  balked,  I  don't  care  if  I  take  a  hand  with 
you  for  a  trifle ;  but  remember  I  won't  play  for  any- 
thing of  consequence."  We  accepted  this  proffer  with 
pleasure. 

Having  cut  for  partners,  it  fell  to  my  lot  to  play 
with  him  against  our  friend  and  Strap,  for  three- 
pence a  game.  We  were  so  successful,  that,  in  a 
short  time,  I  was  half  a  crown  gainer;  when  the 
gentleman  whom  we  had  met  in  the  street  observing 
he  had  no  luck  to-day,  proposed  to  leave  off,  or 
change  partners.  By  this  time  I  was  inflamed  with 
my  good  fortune  and  the  expectation  of  improving 
it,  as  I  perceived  the  two  strangers  played  but  in- 
differently. Therefore,  I  voted  for  giving-  him  his 
revenge ;  and,  cutting  again,  Strap  and  I,  to  our 
mutual  satisfaction,  happened  to  be  partners.  My 
good  fortune  attended  me  still ;  and  in  less  than  an 
hour  we  had  got  thirty  shillings  of  their  money  ;  for, 
[134] 


A    HAND    AT    WHIST 

as  they  lost,  they  grew  the  keener,  and  doubled 
stakes  every  time.  At  last  the  inconstant  goddess 
began  to  veer  about ;  and  we  were  very  soon  stripped 
of  all  our  gains,  and  about  forty  shillings  of  our  own 
money.  This  loss  mortified  me  extremely,  and  had  a 
visible  effect  on  the  muscles  of  Strap's  face,  which 
lengthened  apace;  but  our  antagonists  perceiving 
our  condition,  kindly  permitted  us  to  retrieve  our 
loss,  and  console  ourselves  with  a  new  acquisition. 
Then  my  companion  wisely  suggested  it  was  time  to 
be  gone ;  upon  which  the  person  who  had  joined  us 
in  the  house  began  to  curse  the  cards,  and  muttered 
that  we  were  indebted  to  fortune  only  for  what  we 
had  got,  no  part  of  our  success  being  owing  to  our 
good  play.  This  insinuation  nettled  me  so  much, 
that  I  challenged  him  to  a  game  of  piquet  for  a 
crown ;  and  he  was  with  difficulty  persuaded  to 
accept  the  invitation.  This  contest  ended  in  less 
than  an  hour,  to  my  inexpressible  affliction,  who  lost 
every  shilling  of  my  own  money,  Strap  absolutely 
refusing  to  supply  me  with  a  sixpence. 

The  gentleman  at  whose  request  we  had  come  in, 
perceiving,  by  my  disconsolate  looks,  the  situation 
of  my  heart,  which  well-nigh  bursted  with  grief 
and  resentment,  when  the  other  stranger  got  up  and 
went  away  with  my  money,  began  in  this  manner : 
"  I  am  truly  afflicted  at  your  bad  luck,  and  would 
willingly  repair  it,  was  it  in  my  power.  But  what  in 
[135] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

the  name  of  goodness  could  provoke  you  to  tempt  your 
fate  so  long  ?  It  is  always  a  maxim  with  gamesters 
to  pursue  success  as  far  as  it  will  go,  and  to  stop 
whenever  fortune  shifts  about.  You  are  a  young 
man,  and  your  passions  too  impetuous ;  you  must 
learn  to  govern  them  better.  However,  there  is  no 
experience  like  that  which  is  bought ;  you  will  be  the 
better  for  this  the  longest  day  you  have  to  live.  As 
for  the  fellow  who  has  got  your  money,  I  don't  half 
like  him.  Did  not  you  observe  me  tip  you  the  wink 
to  leave  off  in  time  ?  "  I  answered,  "  No."  "  No,"" 
continued  he,  "you  was  too  eager  to  mind  anything 
but  the  game.  But  harkee,"  said  he,  in  a  whisper, 
"  are  you  satisfied  of  that  young  man^s  honesty  ?  his 
looks  are  a  little  suspicious;  but  I  may  be  mis- 
taken ;  he  made  a  great  many  grimaces  while  he 
stood  behind  you ;  this  is  a  very  wicked  town." 
I  told  him  I  was  very  well  convinced  of  my  com- 
rade's integrity,  and  that  the  grimaces  he  mentioned 
were  doubtless  owing  to  his  anxiety  at  my  loss. 
"  Oho  !  if  that  be  the  case,  I  ask  his  pardon.  Land- 
lord, see  what 's  to  pay."  —  The  reckoning  amounted 
to  eighteenpence,  which  having  discharged,  the  gen- 
tleman shook  us  both  by  the  hand,  and,  saying 
he  should  be  very  glad  to  see  us  again,  departed. 


[136] 


CHAPTER    FIFTEEN 

STRAP    MORALISES PRESENTS    HIS    PURSE    TO    ME WE 

INFORM    OUR    LANDLORD    OF    MY    MISFORTUNE HE 

UNRAVELS    THE    MYSTERY 1    PRESENT   MYSELF   TO 

CRINGER HE    RECOMMENDS  AND    TURNS    ME    OVER 

TO  MR.  STAYTAPE I  BECOME  ACQUAINTED  WITH  A 

FELLOW-DEPENDANT,    WHO    EXPLAINS   THE    CHARAC- 
TERS   OF    CRINGER    AND    STAYTAPE AND    INFORMS 

ME  OF  THE    METHOD   TO  BE  PURSUED    AT   THE    NAVY 
OFFICE  AND  SURGEONS'  HALL STRAP  IS  EMPLOYED. 

IN   our  way  to  our  lodging,  after  a  profound 
silence  on  both  sides,  Strap,  with  a  hideous 
groan,  observed,  that  we  had  brought  our  pigs 
to  a  fine  market.     To  this  observation  I  made 
no  reply ;  and  he  went  on,  "  God  send  us  well  out  of 
this  place ;  we  have  not  been  in  London  eight-and- 
forty  hours,  and  I  believe  we  have  met  with  eight-and- 
forty  thousand  misfortunes.  —  We  have  been  jeered, 
reproached,  buffeted,  pissed  upon,  and  at  last  stripped 
of  our  money ;  and  I  suppose  by  and  by  we  shall  be 
stripped  of  our  skins.  —  Indeed,  as  to  the  money  part 
of  it,  that  was  owing  to  our  own  folly  ;  Solomon  says, 
Bray  a  fool  in  a  mortar,  and  he  will  never  be  wise. 
Ah !     God  help  us,  an  ounce  of  prudence  is  worth  a 
[137] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

pound  of  gold."  This  was  no  time  for  him  to  tamper 
with  my  disposition,  already  mad  with  my  loss,  and 
inflamed  with  resentment  against  him  for  having 
refused  me  a  little  money  to  attempt  to  retrieve  it. 
I  therefore  turned  towards  him  with  a  stern  counte- 
nance, and  asked,  who  he  called  fool  ?  Being  alto- 
gether unaccustomed  to  such  looks  from  me,  he  stood 
still,  and  stared  in  my  face  for  some  time  ;  then,  with 
some  confusion,  uttered,  "  Fool !  I  called  nobody  fool 
but  myself ;  I  am  sure  I  am  the  greatest  fool  of  the 
two,  for  being  so  much  concerned  at  other  people's 
misfortunes  ;  but  nemo  omnibus  horis  sapit  —  that 's  all 
—  that's  all."  Upon  which  a  silence  ensued,  that 
brought  us  to  our  lodging,  where  I  threw  myself 
upon  the  bed  in  an  agony  of  despair,  resolved  to  per- 
ish rather  than  apply  to  my  companion,  or  any  other 
body,  for  relief;  but  Strap,  who  knew  my  temper, 
and  whose  heart  bled  within  him  at  my  distress,  after 
some  pause  came  to  the  bedside,  and,  putting  a  leath- 
ern purse  into  my  hand,  burst  into  tears,  crying,  "  I 
know  what  you  think ;  but  I  scorn  your  thoughts. 
There 's  all  I  have  in  the  world  ;  take  it,  and  1 11  per- 
haps get  more  for  you  before  that  be  done.  If  not, 
I  '11  beg  for  you,  steal  for  you,  go  through  the  wide 
world  with  you,  and  starve  with  you ;  for  though  I 
be  a  poor  cobbler's  son,  I  am  no  scout."  I  was  so 
touched  with  the  generous  passion  of  this  poor  crea- 
ture, that  I  could  not  refrain  from  weeping  also ;  and 
[  138] 


THE    LANDLORD'S    ADVICE 

we  mingled  our  tears  together  for  some  time.  Upon 
examining  the  purse,  I  found  in  it  two  half  guineas 
and  half  a  crown,  which  I  would  have  returned  to  him, 
saying,  he  knew  better  than  I  how  to  manage  it ;  but 
he  absolutely  refused  my  proposal,  and  told  me,  it  was 
more  reasonable  and  decent  that  he  should  depend 
upon  me  who  was  a  gentleman,  than  that  I  should  be 
controlled  by  him. 

After  this  friendly  contest  was  over,  and  our  minds 
more  at  ease,  we  informed  our  landlord  of  what  had 
happened  to  us,  taking  care  to  conceal  the  extremity 
to  which  we  were  reduced.  He  no  sooner  heard  the 
story,  than  he  assured  us  we  had  been  grievously  im- 
posed upon  by  a  couple  of  sharpers,  who  were  associ- 
ates ;  and  that  this  polite,  honest,  friendly,  humane 
person,  who  had  treated  us  so  civilly,  was  no  other 
than  a  rascally  money-dropper,  who  made  it  his 
business  to  decoy  strangers  in  that  manner  to  one  of 
his  own  haunts,  where  an  accomplice  or  two  were 
always  waiting  to  assist  in  pillaging  the  prey  he  had 
run  down.  Here  the  good  man  recounted  a  great 
many  stories  of  people  who  had  been  seduced,  cheated, 
pilfered,  beat,  nay  even  murdered  by  such  villains. 
I  was  confounded  at  the  artifice  and  wickedness  of 
mankind  ;  and  Strap,  lifting  up  his  eyes  and  hands  to 
heaven,  prayed  that  God  would  deliver  him  from  such 
scenes  of  iniquity  ;  for  surely  the  devil  had  set  up  his 
throne  in  London.  Our  landlord  being  curious  to 
[139] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

know  what  reception  we  had  met  with  at  Mr. 
Cringer's,  we  acquainted  him  with  the  particulars ; 
at  which  he  shook  his  head,  and  told  us,  we  had  not 
gone  the  right  way  to  work ;  that  there  was  nothing 
to  be  done  with  a  member  of  parliament  without  a 
bribe ;  that  the  servant  was  commonly  infected  with 
the  master's  disease,  and  expected  to  be  paid  for  his 
work,  as  well  as  his  betters.  He  therefore  advised 
me  to  give  the  footman  a  shilling  the  next  time  I 
should  desire  admittance  to  my  patron,  or  else  I  should 
scarce  find  an  opportunity  to  deliver  my  letter. 
Accordingly,  next  morning,  when  the  door  was 
opened,  I  slipped  a  shilling  into  his  hand,  and  told 
him  I  had  a  letter  for  his  master.  I  found  the  good 
effects  of  my  liberality ;  for  the  fellow  let  me  in 
immediately,  and  taking  the  letter  out  of  my  hand, 
desired  me  to  wait  in  a  kind  of  passage  for  an  answer. 
In  this  place  I  continued  standing  for  three  quarters 
of  an  hour,  during  which  time  I  saw  a  great  many 
young  fellows,  whom  I  formerly  knew  in  Scotland, 
pass  and  repass,  with  an  air  of  familiarity,  in  their 
way  to  and  from  the  audience  chamber  ;  while  I  was 
fain  to  stand  shivering  in  the  cold,  and  turn  my  back 
to  them,  that  they  might  not  perceive  the  lowness  of 
my  condition.  At  length  Mr.  Cringer  came  out  to 
see  a  young  gentleman  to  the  door,  who  was  no  other 
than  Squire  Gawky,  dressed  in  a  very  gay  suit  of 
clothes.  At  parting,  Mr.  Cringer  shook  him  by  the 
[140] 


MR.    CRINGER'S    LEVEE 

hand,  and  told  him  he  hoped  to  have  the  pleasure  of 
his  company  at  dinner ;  then  turning  about  towards 
me,  asked  what  were  my  commands?  When  he 
understood  I  was  the  person  who  had  brought  the 
letter  from  Mr.  Crab,  he  affected  to  recollect  my 
name,  which,  however,  he  pretended  he  could  not  do, 
till  ha  had  consulted  the  letter  again ;  to  save  him 
that  trouble,  I  told  him  my  name  was  Random. 
Upon  which  he  went  on,  "  Ay,  ay,  Random,  Random, 
Random  —  I  think  I  remember  the  name  "  ;  and  very 
well  he  might,  for  this  very  individual  Mr.  Cringer 
had  many  a  time  rode  before  my  grandfather's  cloak- 
bag  in  quality  of  a  footman.  "  Well,"  says  he,  "  you 
propose  to  go  on  board  a  man  of  war,  as  surgeon's 
mate.""  I  replied  by  a  low  bow.  "  I  believe  it  will  be 
a  difficult  matter ,"  continued  he,  "  to  procure  a  war- 
rant, there  being  already  such  a  swarm  of  Scotch  sur- 
geons at  the  Navy  Office,  in  expectation  of  the  next 
vacancy,  that  the  commissioners  are  afraid  of  being 
torn  to  pieces,  and  have  actually  applied  for  a  guard 
to  protect  them.  However,  some  ships  will  soon  be 
put  in  commission,  and  then  we  shall  see  what 's  to 
be  done.1'  So  saying,  he  left  me  exceedingly  morti- 
fied at  the  different  reception  Mr.  Gawky  and  I  had 
met  with  from  this  upstart,  proud,  mean  member, 
who,  I  imagined,  would  have  been  glad  of  an  oppor- 
tunity to  be  grateful  for  the  obligations  he  owed  to 
my  family. 

[141] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

At  my  return,  I  was  surprised  with  the  agreeable 
news  of  Strap's  being  employed,  on  the  recommenda- 
tion of  his  friend  the  schoolmaster,  by  a  periwig- 
maker  in  the  neighbourhood,  who  allowed  him  five 
shillings  per  week,  besides  bed  and  board.  I  continued 
to  dance. attendance  every  other  morning  at  the  levee 
of  Mr.  Cringer,  during  a  fortnight,  in  which  time  I 
became  acquainted  with  a  young  fellow  of  my  own 
country  and  profession,  who  also  depended  on  the 
member's  interest ;  but  was  treated  with  much  more 
respect  than  I,  both  by  the  servants  and  master,  and 
often  admitted  into  a  parlour,  where  there  was  a  fire, 
for  the  convenience  of  the  better  sort  of  those  who 
waited  for  him.  Thither  I  was  never  permitted  to 
penetrate,  on  account  of  my  appearance,  which  was 
not  at  all  fashionable:  but  was  obliged  to  stand 
blowing  my  fingers  in  a  cold  lobby,  and  take  the  first 
opportunity  of  Mr.  Cringer^s  going  to  the  door  to 
speak  with  him.  One  day,  while  I  enjoyed  this  oc- 
casion, a  person  was  introduced,  whom  Mr.  Cringer 
no  sooner  saw,  than,  running  towards  him,  he  saluted 
him  with  a  bow  to  the  very  ground,  and  afterwards 
shaking  him  by  the  hand  with  great  heartiness  and 
familiarity,  called  him  his  good  friend,  and  asked 
very  kindly  after  Mrs.  Staytape,  and  the  young  ladies  ; 
then,  after  a  whisper  which  continued  some  minutes, 
wherein  I  overheard  the  word  honour  repeated  several 
times  with  great  emphasis,  Mr.  Cringer  introduced 
[142] 


A    NEW    ACQUAINTANCE 

me  to  this  gentleman,  as  to  a  person  whose  advice 
and  assistance  I  might  depend  upon,  and  having 
given  me  his  direction,  followed  me  to  the  door, 
where  he  told  me  I  need  not  give  myself  the  trouble 
to  call  at  his  house  any  more,  for  Mr.  Staytape  would 
do  my  business.  At  that  instant  my  fellow-dependant 
coming  out  after  me,  overheard  the  discourse  of  Mr. 
Cringer,  and  making  up  to  me  in  the  street,  accosted 
me  very  civilly.  This  address  I  looked  upon  as  no 
small  honour,  considering  the  figure  he  made  ;  for  he 
was  dressed  in  a  blue  frock  with  a  gold  button,  a 
green  silk  waistcoat  trimmed  with  gold,  black  velvet 
breeches,  white  silk  stockings,  silver  buckles,  a  gold- 
laced  hat,  a  Spencer  wig,  and  a  silver-hilted  hanger, 
with  a  fine  clouded  cane  in  his  hand. 

"I  perceive,"  says  he,  "you  are  but  lately  come 
from  Scotland;  pray  what  may  your  business  with 
Mr.  Cringer  be  ?  I  suppose  it  is  no  secret  —  and  I 
may  possibly  give  you  some  advice  that  may  be  ser- 
viceable ;  for  I  have  been  surgeon's  second  mate  on 
board  of  a  seventy-gun  ship,  and  consequently  know 
a  good  deal  of  the  world."  I  made  no  scruple  to  dis- 
close my  situation,  which  when  he  had  learned,  he 
shook  his  head,  and  told  me  he  had  been  pretty  much 
in  the  same  circumstances  about  a  year  ago ;  that  he 
had  relied  on  Cringer's  promises,  until  his  money 
(which  was  considerable),  as  well  as  his  credit,  was 
quite  exhausted ;  and  when  he  wrote  to  his  relations 
[143] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

for  a  fresh  supply,  instead  of  money,  he  received 
nothing  but  reproaches,  and  the  epithets  of  "  idle,11 
"debauched  fellow":  that,  after  he  had  waited  at 
the  Navy  Office  many  months  for  a  warrant,  to  no 
purpose,  he  was  fain  to  pawn  some  of  his  clothes, 
which  raised  a  small  sum,  wherewith  he  bribed  tr.-; 
secretary,  who  soon  procured  a  warrant  for  him,  not- 
withstanding he  had  affirmed  the  same  day,  that 
there  was  not  one  vacancy :  that  he  had  gone  on 
board,  where  he  remained  nine  months ;  at  the  end 
of  which  the  ship  was  put  out  of  commission ;  and 
he  said  the  company  were  to  be  paid  off*  in  Broad 
Street  the  very  next  day :  that  his  relations,  being 
reconciled  to  him,  had  charged  him  to  pay  his  devoirs 
regularly  to  Mr.  Cringer,  who  had  informed  them  by 
letter  that  his  interest  alone  had  procured  the  war- 
rant ;  in  obedience  to  which  command,  he  came  to 
his  levee  every  morning  as  I  saw,  though  he  looked 
upon  him  to  be  a  very  pitiful  scoundrel.  In  conclu- 
sion, he  asked  me  if  I  had  yet  passed  at  Surgeons' 
Hall  ?  To  which  question  I  answered,  I  did  not  so 
much  as  know  it  was  necessary.  "  Necessary ! "  cried 
he,  "  O  Lord,  O  Lord !  I  find  I  must  instruct  you  — 
come  along  with  me,  and  1 11  give  you  some  infor- 
mation about  that  matter."  So  saying,  he  carried 
me  into  an  alehouse,  where  he  called  for  some  beer, 
and  bread  and  cheese,  on  which  we  breakfasted. 
While  we  sat  in  this  place,  he  told  me  I  must  first  go 
[144] 


A    NEW    ACQUAINTANCE 

to  the  Navy  Office,  and  write  to  the  board,  desiring 
them  to  order  a  letter  for  me  to  the  Surgeons'  Hall, 
that  I  might  be  examined  touching  my  skill  in  sur- 
gery: that  the  surgeons,  after  having  examined  me, 
would  give  me  my  qualification  sealed  up  in  form  of  a 
letter  directed  to  the  commissioners,  which  qualifica- 
tion I  must  deliver  to  the  secretary  of  the  board,  who 
would  open  it  in  my  presence,  and  read  the  contents. 
After  which  I  must  employ  my  interest  to  be  pro- 
vided for  as  soon  as  possible.  That  the  expense  of 
this  qualification,  for  second  mate  of  a  third-rate, 
amounted  to  thirteen  shillings,  exclusive  of  the  war- 
rant, which  cost  him  half  a  guinea  and  half  a  crown, 
besides  the  present  to  the  secretary,  which  consisted 
of  a  three-pound-twelve  piece. 

This  calculation  was  like  a  thunderbolt  to  me, 
whose  whole  fortune  did  not  amount  to  twelve  shil- 
lings. I  accordingly  made  him  acquainted  with  this 
part  of  my  distress,  after  having  thanked  him  for  his 
information  and  advice.  He  condoled  me  on  this 
occasion ;  but  bade  me  be  of  good  cheer,  for  he  had 
conceived  a  friendship  for  me,  and  would  make  all 
things  easy.  He  was  run  out  at  present,  but  to-morrow 
or  next  day  he  was  certain  of  receiving  a  considerable 
sum,  of  which  he  would  lend  me  what  would  be  suffi- 
cient to  answer  my  exigencies.  This  frank  declaration 
pleased  me  so  much,  that  I  pulled  out  my  purse,  and 
emptied  it  before  him,  begging  him  to  take  what  he 
TOL.  i. —  10  [  145  ] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

pleased  for  pocket  expense,  until  he  should  receive 
his  own  money.  With  a  good  deal  of  pressing  he 
was  prevailed  upon  to  take  five  shillings,  telling  me 
that  he  might  have  what  money  he  wanted  at  any 
time  for  the  trouble  of  going  into  the  city ;  but  as 
he  had  met  with  me,  he  would  defer  his  going  thither 
till  to-morrow,  when  I  should  go  along  with  him, 
and  he  would  put  me  in  a  way  of  acting  for  myself, 
without  any  servile  dependence  on  that  rascal  Crin- 
ger,  much  less  on  the  lousy  tailor  to  whom  I  heard 
him  turn  you  over.  "  How,"  cried  I ;  "is  Mr.  Stay- 
tape  a  tailor  ?  "  "  No  less,  I  '11  assure  you,"  answered 
he ;  "  and,  I  confess,  more  likely  to  serve  you  than 
the  member ;  for,  provided  you  can  entertain  him 
with  politics  and  conundrums,  you  may  have  credit 
with  him  for  as  many  and  as  rich  clothes  as  you 
please.  I  told  him,  I  was  utterly  ignorant  of  both, 
and  so  incensed  at  Cringer's  usage,  that  I  would  never 
set  foot  within  his  door  again.  After  a  good  deal 
more  conversation,  my  new  acquaintance  and  I  parted, 
having  made  an  appointment  to  meet  the  next  day  at 
the  same  place,  in  order  to  set  out  for  the  city.  I 
went  immediately  to  Strap,  and  related  everything 
which  had  happened ;  but  he  did  not  at  all  approve  of 
my  being  so  forward  to  lend  money  to  a  stranger, 
especially  as  we  had  already  been  so  much  imposed 
upon  by  appearances.  "  However,"  said  he,  "  if  you 
are  sure  he  is  a  Scotchman,  I  believe  you  are  safe." 
[  146] 


CHAPTER    SIXTEEN 

MY    NEW    ACQUAINTANCE     BREAKS    AN    APPOINTMENT I 

PROCEED  BY  MYSELF  TO  THE  NAVY  OFFICE AD- 
DRESS MYSELF  TO  A  PERSON  THERE,  WHO  ASSISTS  ME 

WITH  HIS   ADVICE WRITE  TO    THE  BOARD THEY 

GRANT  ME  A  LETTER  TO  THE  SURGEONS  AT  THE  HALL 
AM  INFORMED  OF  THE  BEAU's  NAME  AND  CHARAC- 
TER   FIND  HIM HE  MAKES  ME  HIS  CONFIDENT  IN 

AN  AMOUR DESIRES   ME   TO   PAWN  MY  LINEN,  FOR 

HIS    OCCASIONS 1    RECOVER   WHAT   I    LENT   HIM  - 

SOME  CURIOUS  OBSERVATIONS  OF  STRAP  ON  THAT 
OCCASION HIS  VANITY. 

IN  the  morning  I  rose  and  went  to  the  place  of 
rendezvous,  where  I  waited  two  hours  in  vain ; 
and  was  so  exasperated  against  him  for  break- 
ing his  appointment,  that  I  set   out  for  the 
city  by  myself,  in  hopes  of  finding  the  villain,  and 
being  revenged  on  him   for  his  breach  of  promise. 
At  length  I  found  myself  at  the  Navy  Office,  which 
I  entered,  and  saw  crowds  of  young  fellows  walking 
below,  many  of  whom  made  no  better   appearance 
than  myself.     I  consulted  the  physiognomy  of  each, 
and  at   last   made  up  to  one  whose  countenance  I 
liked ;   and  asked  if   he  could  instruct    me  in    the 
[147] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

form  of  the  letter  which  was  to  be  sent  to  the  board 
to  obtain  an  order  for  examination.  He  answered 
me  in  broad  Scotch,  that  he  would  show  me  the  copy 
of  what  he  had  writ  for  himself,  by  the  direction  of 
another  who  knew  the  form  ;  and  accordingly  pulled  it 
out  of  his  pocket  for  my  perusal ;  and  told  me  that, 
if  I  was  expeditious,  I  might  send  it  in  to  the  board 
before  dinner,  for  they  did  no  business  in  the  afternoon. 
He  then  went  with  me  to  a  coffee-house  hard  by, 
where  I  wrote  the  letter,  which  was  immediately 
delivered  to  the  messenger ;  who  told  me  I  might 
expect  an  order  to-morrow  about  the  same  time. 
Having  transacted  this  piece  of  business,  my  mind 
was  a  good  deal  composed;  and  as  I  met  with  so 
much  civility  from  this  stranger,  I  desired  further 
acquaintance  with  him,  fully  resolved,  however,  not 
to  be  deceived  by  him  so  much  to  my  prejudice  as  I 
had  been  by  the  beau.  He  agreed  to  dine  with  me 
at  the  cook's  shop  which  I  frequented  ;  and  on  our 
way  thither,  carried  me  to  'Change,  where  I  was  in 
some  hopes  of  finding  Mr.  Jackson  (for  that  was  the 
name  of  the  person  who  had  broke  his  appointment). 
I  sought  him  there  to  no  purpose,  and  on  our  way 
towards  the  other  end  of  the  town,  imparted  to  my 
companion  his  behaviour  towards  me.  Upon  which 
he  gave  me  to  understand,  that  he  was  no  stranger  to 
the  name  of  Beau  Jackson  (so  he  was  called  at  the 
Navy  Office),  although  he  did  not  know  him  person- 
[148] 


DIMINISHING    FUNDS 

ally ;  that  he  had  the  character  of  a  good-natured 
careless  fellow,  who  made  no  scruple  of  borrowing 
from  anybody  that  would  lend;  that  most  people 
who  knew  him  believed  he  had  a  good  principle  at 
bottom ;  but  his  extravagance  was  such,  he  would 
probably  never  have  it  in  his  power  to  manifest  the 
honesty  of  his  intention.  This  account  made  me 
sweat  for  my  five  shillings,  which  I  nevertheless  did 
not  altogether  despair  of  recovering,  provided  I  could 
find  out  the  debtor.  This  young  man  likewise  added 
another  circumstance  of  Squire  Jackson's  history, 
which  was,  that  being  destitute  of  all  means  to  equip 
himself  for  sea,  when  he  received  his  last  warrant,  he 
had  been  recommended  to  a  person  who  lent  him  a 
little  money,  after  he  had  signed  a  will  and  power, 
entitling  that  person  to  lift  his  wages  when  they 
should  become  due,  as  also  to  inherit  his  effects  in 
case  of  his  death.  That  he  was  still  under  the  tutor- 
age and  direction  of  that  gentleman,  who  advanced 
him  small  sums  from  time  to  time  upon  his  security 
at  the  rate  of  50  per  cent.  But  at  present  his  credit 
was  very  low,  because  his  funds  would  do  little  more 
than  pay  what  he  had  already  received,  this  moderate 
interest  included.  After  the  stranger  (whose  name 
was  Thomson)  had  entertained  me  with  this  account 
of  Jackson,  he  informed  me  that  he  himself  had 
passed  for  third  mate  of  a  third-rate,  about  four 
months  ago ;  since  which  time,  he  had  constantly 
[1*9] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

attended  at  the  Navy  Office  in  hope  of  a  warrant, 
having  been  assured  from  the  beginning,  both  by  a 
Scotch  member  and  one  of  the  commissioners  to  whom 
the  member  recommended  him,  that  he  should  be 
put  into  the  first  vacancy ;  notwithstanding  which 
promise,  he  had  the  mortification  to  see  six  or  seven 
appointed  to  the  same  station  almost  every  week  :  that 
now,  being  utterly  impoverished,  his  sole  hope  con- 
sisted in  the  promise  of  a  friend  lately  come  to  town, 
to  lend  him  a  small  matter,  for  a  present  to  the  sec- 
retary, without  which  he  was  persuaded  he  might 
wait  a  thousand  years  to  no  purpose.  I  conceived  a 
mighty  liking  for  this  young  fellow,  which,  I  believe, 
proceeded  from  the  similitude  of  our  fortunes.  We 
spent  the  whole  day  together  ;  and,  as  he  lived  at 
Wapping,  I  desired  him  to  take  a  share  of  my  bed. 

Next  day  we  returned  to  the  Navy  Office,  where, 
after  being  called  before  the  board,  and  questioned 
about  the  place  of  my  nativity  and  education,  they 
ordered  a  letter  to  be  made  out  for  me,  which,  upon 
paying  half  a  crown  to  the  clerk,  I  received,  and  de- 
livered into  the  hands  of  the  clerk  at  Surgeons'  Hall, 
together  with  a  shilling  for  his  trouble  in  registering 
my  name.  By  this  time  my  whole  stock  was  dimin- 
ished to  two  shillings,  and  I  saw  not  the  least  pros- 
pect of  relief,  even  for  present  subsistence,  much  less 
to  enable  me  to  pay  the  fees  at  Surgeons1  Hall  for  my 
examination,  which  would  come  on  in  a  fortnight. 
_  [  150  ] 


DIMINISHING    FUNDS 

In  this  state  of  perplexity,  I  consulted  Strap,  who 
assured  me,  he  would  pawn  everything  he  had  in  the 
world,  even  to  his  razors,  before  I  should  want.  But 
this  expedient  I  absolutely  rejected,  telling  him,  I 
would  a  thousand  times  rather  list  for  a  soldier,  of 
which  I  had  some  thoughts,  than  be  any  longer  a 
burden  to  him.  At  the  word  soldier,  he  grew  pale 
as  death,  and  begged,  on  his  knees,  I  would  think  no 
more  of  that  scheme.  "  God  preserve  us  all  in  our 
right  wits  ! "  cried  he,  "  would  you  turn  soldier,  and 
perhaps  be  sent  abroad  against  the  Spaniards,  where 
you  must  stand  and  be  shot  at  like  a  woodcock  ?  — 
Heaven  keep  cold  lead  out  of  my  carcass  !  and  let  me 
die  in  a  bed  like  a  Christian,  as  all  my  forefathers 
have  done.  What  signifies  all  the  riches  and  honours 
of  this  life,  if  one  enjoys  not  content  ?  And,  in  the 
next,  there  is  no  respect  of  persons.  Better  be  a  poor 
honest  barber  with  a  good  conscience,  and  time  to  re- 
pent of  my  sins  upon  my  deathbed,  than  be  cut  off 
(God  bless  us)  by  a  musket  shot,  as  it  were  in  the 
very  flower  of  one^s  age,  in  the  pursuit  of  riches  and 
fame.  What  signify  riches,  my  dear  friend  ?  do  not 
they  make  unto  themselves  wings  ?  as  the  wise  man 
saith ;  and  does  not  Horace  observe,  Non  damns  etfun- 
duS)  non  ceris  acervus  et  auri,  JEgroto  domini  deduxit 
corpore  febres,  Non  animo  euros?  I  could  moreover 
mention  many  other  sayings  in  contempt  of  riches, 
both  from  the  Bible  and  other  good  books  ;  but,  as  I 
[151] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

know  you  are  not  very  fond  of  those  things,  I  shall 
only  assure  you  that,  if  you  take  on  to  be  a  soldier,  I 
will  do  the  same ;  and  then  if  we  should  both  be  slain, 
you  will  not  only  have  your  own  blood  to  answer 
for,  but  mine  also ;  and  perad venture  the  lives  of  all 
those  whom  we  shall  kill  in  battle.  Therefore,  I  pray 
you,  consider  whether  you  will  sit  down  contented 
with  small  things,  and  share  the  fruits  of  my  industry 
in  peace,  till  Providence  shall  send  better  tidings  ;  or, 
by  your  despair,  plunge  both  our  souls  and  bodies 
into  everlasting  perdition,  which  God  of  his  infinite 
mercy  forbid."  I  could  not  help  smiling  at  this  ha- 
rangue, which  was  delivered  with  great  earnestness, 
the  tears  standing  in  his  eyes  all  the  time ;  and  prom- 
ised to  do  nothing  of  that  sort  without  his  consent 
and  concurrence.  He  was  much  comforted  with  this 
declaration ;  and  told  me  in  a  few  days  he  should  re- 
ceive a  week's  wages,  which  should  be  at  my  service ; 
but  advised  me,  in  the  meantime,  to  go  in  quest  of 
Jackson,  and  recover,  if  possible,  what  he  had  bor- 
rowed of  me. 

I  accordingly  trudged  about  from  one  end  of  the 
town  to  the  other  for  several  days,  without  being  able 
to  learn  anything  certain  concerning  him  ;  and,  one 
day,  being  extremely  hungry,  and  allured  by  the 
steams  that  regaled  my  nostrils  from  a  boiling  cellar,  I 
went  down  with  an  intention  to  gratify  my  appetite 
with  twopenny  worth  of  beef;  when,  to  my  no  small 
[152] 


BEAU    JACKSON 

surprise,  I  found  Mr.  Jackson  sitting  at  dinner  with  a 
footman.  He  no  sooner  perceived  me  than  he  got  up 
and  shook  me  by  the  hand,  saying,  he  was  glad  to 
see  me,  for  he  intended  to  have  called  at  my  lodgings 
in  the  afternoon.  I  was  so  well  pleased  with  this  ren- 
contre, and  the  apologies  he  made  for  not  keeping  his 
appointment,  that  I  forgot  my  resentment,  and  sat 
down  to  dinner,  with  the  happy  expectation  of  not 
only  recovering  my  own  money  before  we  should  part, 
but  also  of  reaping  the  benefit  of  his  promise  to  lend 
me  wherewithal  to  pass  examination ;  and  this  hope 
my  sanguine  complexion  suggested,  though  the 
account  Thomson  gave  me  of  him  ought  to  have 
moderated  my  expectation.  When  we  had  feasted 
sumptuously,  he  took  his  leave  of  the  footman,  and 
adjourned  with  me  to  an  alehouse  hard  by,  where, 
after  shaking  me  by  the  hand  again,  he  began  thus : 
"  I  suppose  you  think  me  a  sad  dog,  Mr.  Random, 
and  I  do  confess  that  appearances  are  against  me. 
But  I  daresay  you  will  forgive  me,  when  I  tell  you, 
my  not  coming  at  the  time  appointed  was  owing  to 
a  peremptory  message  I  received  from  a  certain  lady, 
whom,  harkee,  (but  this  is  a  great  secret,)  I  am  to 
marry  very  soon.  You  think  this  strange,  perhaps, 
but  it  is  not  less  true  for  all  that  —  a  five  thou- 
sand pounder,  I  "11  assure  you,  besides  expectations. 
For  my  own  part,  devil  take  me  if  I  know  what 
any  woman  can  see  engaging  about  me  —  but  a 
[153] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

whim,  you  know  ;  and  then  one  would  not  balk  one's 
good  fortune.  You  saw  that  footman  who  dined 
with  us  —  he 's  one  of  the  honestest  fellows  that  ever 
wore  a  livery.  You  must  know,  it  was  by  his  means 
I  was  introduced  to  her,  for  he  made  me  first 
acquainted  with  her  woman,  who  is  his  mistress  ;  ay, 
many  a  crown  has  he  and  his  sweetheart  had  of  my 
money ;  but  what  of  that  ?  things  are  now  brought 
to  a  bearing.  I  have  —  come  a  little  this  way  —  I 
have  proposed  marriage,  and  the  day  is  fixed  ;  she  7s 
a  charming  creature ;  writes  like  an  angel.  O  Lord  ! 
she  can  repeat  all  the  English  tragedies  as  well  as 
e'er  a  player  in  Drury  Lane !  and  indeed  is  so  fond  of 
plays,  that,  to  be  near  the  stage,  she  has  taken  lodgings 
in  a  court  hard  by  the  theatre.  But  you  shall  see  — 
you  shall  see  —  here 's  the  last  letter  she  sent  me."  — 
With  these  words,  he  put  into  my  hand,  and  I  read, 
to  the  best  of  my  remembrance,  as  follows  :  — 

"  DEER  KREETER,  —  As  you  are  the  animable  hopjack 
of  my  contemplayshins,  your  aydear  is  infernally  skim- 
ming before  my  keymerycal  fansee,  when  Murfy  sends 
his  puppies  to  the  heys  of  slipping  mortals ;  and  when 
Febus  shines  from  his  merrydying  throne.  Whereupon, 
I  shall  canseeif  old  whorie  time  has  lost  his  pinners,  as 
also  Cupid  his  harrows,  until  thou  enjoy  sweet  propose 
in  the  loafseek  harms  of  thy  faithfool  to  commend, 

CLAYRENDER." 

"  Wingar-yeard,  Droory-lane, 
January  12th." 

[154] 


JACKSON'S    AMOUR 

While  I  was  reading,  he  seemed  to  be  in  an  ecstasy, 
rubbing  his  hands,  and  bursting  out  into  fits  of 
laughter  ;  at  last  he  caught  hold  of  my  hand,  and, 
squeezing  it,  cried,  "  There  is  style  for  you  !  what  do 
you  think  of  this  billet-doux  ? "  I  answered,  "  It 
might  be  sublime  for  aught  I  knew,  for  it  was  alto- 
gether above  my  comprehension."  —  "  Oho  !  "  said 
he,  " I  believe  it  is  both  tender  and  sublime  — she's 
a  divine  creature! — and  so  doats  upon  me!  Let 
me  see,  what  shall  I  do  with  this  money,  when  I  have 
once  got  it  into  my  hands  ?  In  the  first  place,  I  shall 
do  for  you  —  I  'm  a  man  of  few  words ;  but,  say  no 
more,  that 's  determined  —  whether  would  you  advise 
me  to  purchase  some  post,  by  which  I  may  rise  in  the 
state ;  or  lay  out  my  wife's  fortune  in  land,  and 
retire  to  the  country  at  once  ?  "  —  I  gave  my  opinion 
without  hesitation,  that  he,  could  not  do  better  than 
buy  an  estate  and  improve ;  especially  since  he  had 
already  seen  so  much  of  the  world.  Then  I  launched 
out  into  the  praises  of  a  country  life,  as  described  by 
the  poets  whose  works  I  had  read.  He  seemed  to 
relish  my  advice,  but  withal  told  me,  that,  although 
he  had  seen  a  great  deal  of  the  world,  both  by  land 
and  sea,  having  cruised  three  whole  months  in  the 
Channel,  yet  he  should  not  be  satisfied  until  he  had 
visited  France,  which  he  proposed  to  do  before  he 
should  settle  ;  and  to  carry  his  wife  along  with  him. 

I  had  nothing  to  object  to  his  proposal ;  and 
[155] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

asked  how  soon  he  hoped  to  be  happy  ?  "  As  to 
that,"  he  replied,  "  nothing  obstructs  my  happiness, 
but  the  want  of  a  little  ready  cash ;  for  you  must 
know,  my  friend  in  the  city  has  gone  out  of  town  for 
a  week  or  two  ;  and  I  unfortunately  missed  my  pay  at 
Broad  Street,  by  being  detained  too  long  by  the  dear 
charmer ;  but  there  will  be  a  recall  at  Chatham  next 
week,  whither  the  ship's  books  are  sent,  and  I  have 
commissioned  a  friend  in  that  place  to  receive  the 
money.""  "  If  that  be  all,"  said  I,  "  there 's  no  great 
harm  in  deferring  your  marriage  a  few  days."  — 
"  Yes,  faith  !  but  there  is,"  said  he ;  "  you  don't  know 
how  many  rivals  I  have,  who  would  take  all  advan- 
tages against  me.  I  would  not  balk  the  impatience  of 
her  passion  for  the  world ;  the  least  appearance  of 
coldness  and  indifference  would  ruin  all :  and  such 
offers  don't  occur  every  day."  I  acquiesced  in  this 
observation,  and  inquired  how  he  intended  to  pro- 
ceed :  at  this  question,  he  rubbed  his  chin,  and  said, 
"  Why,  truly,  I  must  be  obliged  to  some  friend  or 
other  —  do  you  know  of  nobody  that  would  lend  me 
a  small  sum  for  a  day  or  two  ?  "  —  I  assured  him,  I 
was  such  an  utter  stranger  in  London,  that  I  did  not 
believe  I  could  borrow  a  guinea  if  my  life  depended 
upon  it.  "No!"  said  he,  "that's  hard  — that's 
hard.  I  wish  I  had  anything  to  pawn ;  upon  my  soul 
you  have  got  excellent  linen  (feeling  the  sleeve  of  my 
shirt)  ;  how  many  shirts  of  that  kind  have  you  got  ?  " 
[156] 


THE    THREE    BLUE    BALLS 

—  I  answered,  "  Six  ruffled  and  six  plain "  ;  —  at 
which  he  testified  great  surprise,  and  swore  that  no 
gentleman  ought  to  have  more  than  four.  "  How 
many  d1  ye  think  I  have  got  ?  "  continued  he.  "  But 
this  and  another,  as  I  hope  to  be  saved  !  I  daresay 
we  shall  be  able  to  raise  a  good  sum  out  of  your 
superfluity  —  let  me  see  —  let  me  see  —  each  of  these 
shirts  is  worth  sixteen  shillings  at  a  moderate  compu- 
tation ;  now  suppose  we  pawn  them  for  half  price, 
eight  times  eight  is  sixty-four,  that 's  three  pounds 
four ;  zounds  !  that  will  do  ;  give  me  your  hand."  — 
"  Softly,  softly,  Mr.  Jackson,"  said  I,  "  don't  dispose 
of  my  linen  without  my  consent ;  first  pay  me  the 
crown  you  owe  me,  and  then  we  shall  talk  of  other 
matters.11  He  protested  he  had  not  above  one  shil- 
ling in  his  pocket,  but  that  he  would  pay  me  out  of 
the  first  of  the  money  raised  from  the  shirts. 

This  piece  of  assurance  incensed  me  so  much,  that 
I  swore  I  would  not  part  with  him  until  I  had 
received  satisfaction  for  what  I  had  lent  him  ;  and,  as 
for  the  shirts,  I  would  not  pawn  one  of  them  to  save 
him  from  the  gallows.  At  this  expression,  he  laughed 
aloud,  and  then  complained  it  was  d — n\3  hard,  that 
I  should  refuse  him  a  trifle  that  would  infallibly 
enable  him  not  only  to  make  his  own  fortune,  but 
mine  also.  *'  You  talk  of  pawning  my  shirts,"  said  I, 
"  suppose  you  should  sell  this  hanger,  Mr,  Jackson  ? 
I  believe  it  would  fetch  a  good  round  sum,1'  —  "  No, 
[157] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

hang  it,"  said  he,  "  I  can't  appear  decently  without 
my  hanger,  or  egad  it  should  go."  However,  seeing 
me  inflexible  with  regard  to  my  linen,  he  at  length 
unbuckled  his  hanger,  and,  showing  me  the  sign  of 
the  three  blue  balls,  desired  me  to  carry  it  thither  and 
pawn  it  for  two  guineas.  This  office  I  would  by  no 
means  have  performed,  had  I  seen  any  likelihood  of 
having  my  money  otherwise  ;  but  not  willing,  out  of 
a  piece  of  false  delicacy,  to  neglect  the  only  opportu- 
nity I  should  perhaps  ever  have,  I  ventured  into  a 
pawnbroker's  shop,  where  I  demanded  two  guineas  on 
the  pledge  in  the  name  of  Thomas  Williams.  "  Two 
guineas! "  said  the  pawnbroker,  looking  at  the  hanger  ; 
"this  piece  of  goods  has  been  here  several  times  before 
for  thirty  shillings  ;  however,  since  I  believe  the  gentle- 
man to  whom  it  belongs  will  redeem  it,  he  shall  have 
what  he  wants " ;  and  accordingly,  he  paid  me  the 
money,  which  I  carried  to  the  house  where  I  had 
left  Jackson,  and,  calling  for  change,  counted  out  to 
him  seven-and-thirty  shillings,  reserving  the  other 
five  for  myself. 

After  looking  at  the  money  some  time,  he  said  : 
"  D — n  it !  it  don't  signify  —  this  won't  do  my  busi- 
ness ;  so  you  may  as  well  take  half  a  guinea,  or  a 
whole  one,  as  the  five  shillings  you  have  kept."  I 
thanked  him  kindly  ;  but  I  refused  to  accept  of  any 
more  than  was  my  due,  because  I  had  no  prospect 
of  repaying  it.  Upon  which  declaration,  he  stared  in 
[158] 


STRAP'S    OBSERVATIONS 

my  face,  and  told  me,  I  was  excessively  raw,  or  I 
would  not  talk  in  that  manner.  "  Blood,"  cried  he, 
"  I  have  a  very  bad  opinion  of  a  young  fellow  who 
won't  borrow  of  his  friend  when  he  is  in  want ;  't  is 
the  sign  of  a  sneaking  spirit.  Come,  come,  Random, 
give  me  back  the  five  shillings,  and  take  this  half- 
guinea,  and  if  ever  you  are  able  to  pay  me,  I  believe 
you  will ;  if  not,  d — n  me  if  ever  I  ask  it."  When 
I  reflected  on  my  present  necessity,  I  suffered  myself 
to  be  persuaded ;  and,  after  making  my  acknowledg- 
ments to  Mr.  Jackson,  who  offered  to  treat  me  with 
a  play,  I  returned  to  my  lodgings  with  a  much  better 
opinion  of  this  gentleman  than  I  had  in  the  morn- 
ing ;  and  at  night  imparted  my  day's  adventures  to 
Strap,  who  rejoiced  at  the  good  luck,  saying,  "  I  told 
you,  if  he  was  a  Scotchman,  you  was  safe  enough  ; 
and  who  knows  but  this  marriage  may  make  us  all  ? 
You  have  heard,  I  suppose,  as  how  a  countryman  of 
ours,  a  journeyman  baker,  ran  away  with  a  great 
lady  of  this  town,  and  now  keeps  his  coach.  Ecod  ! 
I  say  nothing ;  but  yesterday  morning,  as  I  was 
a  shaving  a  gentleman  at  his  own  house,  there  was 
a  young  lady  in  the  room  —  a  fine  buxom  wench, 
i'  faith  !  and  she  threw  so  many  sheep's  eyes  at  a 
certain  person  whom  I  shall  not  name,  that  my  heart 
went  knock,  knock,  knock,  like  a  fulling  mill,  and 
my  hand  sh — sh — shook  so  much  that  I  sliced  a  piece 
of  skin  off  the  gentleman's  nose.  Whereby  he  swore 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

a  deadly  oath,  and  was  going  to  horsewhip  me,  when 
she  prevented  him,  and  made  my  peace.  Omen  hand 
malum !  Is  not  a  journeyman  barber  as  good  as  a 
journeyman  baker  ?  The  only  difference  is,  the  baker 
uses  flour  for  the  belly,  and  the  barber  uses  it  for  the 
head.  And  as  the  head  is  a  more  noble  member 
than  the  belly,  so  is  a  barber  more  noble  than  a 
baker;  for  what's  the  belly  without  the  head  ?  Be- 
sides, I  am  told  he  could  neither  read  nor  write ;  now 
you  know  I  can  do  both,  and,  moreover,  speak 
Latin.  But  I  will  say  no  more,  for  I  despise  vanity ; 
nothing  is  more  vain  than  vanity."  With  these 
words  he  pulled  out  of  his  pocket  a  wax  candle's  end, 
which  he  applied  to  his  forehead  ;  and,  upon  exam- 
ination, I  found  he  had  combed  his  own  hair  over 
the  toupee  of  his  wig,  and  was  indeed  in  his  whole 
dress  become  a  very  smart  shaver.  I  congratulated 
him  on  his  prospect  with  a  satirical  smile,  which  he 
understood  very  well ;  and,  shaking  his  head,  observed 
I  had  very  little  faith,  but  the  truth  would  come  to 
light  in  spite  of  my  incredulity. 


[160] 


CHAPTER    SEVENTEEN 

I  GO  TO  SURGEONS'  HALL,  WHERE  i  MEET  WITH  MR.  JACK- 
SON  AM    EXAMINED A    FIERCE    DISPUTE    ARISES 

BETWEEN  TWO    OF   THE    EXAMINERS JACKSON  DIS- 
GUISES HIMSELF  TO  ATTRACT  RESPECT IS  DETECTED 

IN  HAZARD   OF  BEING   SENT  TO  BRIDEWELL HE 

TREATS  US  AT  A  TAVERN CARRIES    US  TO  A   NIGHT 

HOUSE A  TROUBLESOME  ADVENTURE  THERE WE 

ARE  COMMITTED   TO   THE    ROUND   HOUSE CARRIED 

BEFORE  A  JUSTICE HIS  BEHAVIOUR. 

WITH   the  assistance    of    this    faithful 
adherent,  who  gave  me  almost  all  the 
money  he  earned,  I  preserved  my  half- 
guinea  entire  till  the  day  of  examina- 
tion, when  I  went  with  a  quaking  heart  to  Surgeons' 
Hall,  in  order  to  undergo  that  ceremony.     Among 
a  crowd  of  young  fellows  who  walked  in  the  outward 
hall,  I  perceived  Mr.  Jackson,  to  whom  I  immedi- 
ately went  up,  and  inquiring  into  the  state  of  his 
amour,   understood    it   was    still   undetermined   by 
reason  of  his  friend^s  absence,  and  the  delay  of  the 
recall  at  Chatham,  which  put  it  out  of  his  power  to 
bring  it  to  a  conclusion.     I   then  asked  what  his 
business   was    in   this    place?    he  replied,  he    was 
VOL.  i. -11  [161] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

resolved  to  have  two  strings  to  his  bow,  that  in  case 
the  one  failed  he  might  use  the  other;  and,  with 
this  view,  he  was  to  pass  that  night  for  a  higher 
qualification.  At  that  instant  a  young  fellow  came 
out  from  the  place  of  examination  with  a  pale  coun- 
tenance, his  lip  quivering,  and  his  looks  as  wild  as 
if  he  had  seen  a  ghost.  He  no  sooner  appeared, 
than  we  all  flocked  about  him  with  the  utmost 
eagerness  to  know  what  reception  he  had  met  with ; 
which,  after  some  pause,  he  described,  recounting  all 
the  questions  they  had  asked,  with  the  answers  he 
made.  In  this  manner,  we  obliged  no  less  than 
twelve  to  recapitulate,  which,  now  the  danger  was 
past,  they  did  with  pleasure,  before  it  fell  to  my 
lot :  at  length  the  beadle  called  my  name,  with  a 
voice  that  made  me  tremble  as  much  as  if  it  had 
been  the  sound  of  the  last  trumpet :  however,  there 
was  no  remedy  :  I  was  conducted  into  a  large  hall, 
where  I  saw  about  a  dozen  of  grim  faces  sitting  at  a 
long  table  ;  one  of  whom  bade  me  come  forward,  in 
such  an  imperious  tone  that  I  was  actually  for  a 
minute  or  two  bereft  of  my  senses.  The  first  ques- 
tion he  put  to  me  was,  "  Where  was  you  born  ?  " 
To  which  I  answered,  "  In  Scotland.""  —  "  In  Scot- 
land," said  he ;  "I  know  that  very  well ;  we  have 
scarce  any  other  countrymen  to  examine  here ;  you 
Scotchmen  have  overspread  us  of  late  as  the  locusts 
did  Egypt :  I  ask  you  in  what  part  of  Scotland  was 
[162] 


A    BOARD    OF    EXAMINERS 

you  born  ?  "  I  named  the  place  of  my  nativity,  which 
he  had  never  before  heard  of :  he  then  proceeded  to 
interrogate  me  about  my  age,  the  town  where  I 
served  my  time,  with  the  term  of  my  apprenticeship ; 
and  when  I  informed  him  that  I  served  three  years 
only,  he  fell  into  a  violent  passion  ;  swore  it  was  a 
shame  and  a  scandal  to  send  such  raw  boys  into  the 
world  as  surgeons ;  that  it  was  a  great  presumption 
in  me,  and  an  affront  upon  the  English,  to  pretend 
to  sufficient  skill  in  my  business,  having  served  so 
short  a  time,  when  every  apprentice  in  England  was 
bound  seven  years  at  least ;  that  my  friends  would 
have  done  better  if  they  had  made  me  a  weaver  or 
shoemaker,  but  their  pride  would  have  me  a  gentle- 
man, he  supposed,  at  any  rate,  and  their  poverty 
could  not  afford  the  necessary  education. 

This  exordium  did  not  at  all  contribute  to  the 
recovery  of  my  spirits,  but,  on  the  contrary,  reduced 
me  to  such  a  situation  that  I  was  scarce  able  to 
stand ;  which  being  perceived  by  a  plump  gentleman 
who  sat  opposite  to  me,  with  a  skull  before  him,  he 
said,  Mr.  Snarler  was  too  severe  upon  the  young 
man ;  and,  turning  towards  me,  told  me,  I  need  not 
to  be  afraid,  for  nobody  would  do  me  any  harm ; 
then  bidding  me  take  time  to  recollect  myself,  he 
examined  me  touching  the  operation  of  the  trepan, 
and  was  very  well  satisfied  with  my  answers.  The 
next  person  who  questioned  me  was  a  wag,  who 
[163] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

began  by  asking  if  I  had  ever  seen  amputation  per- 
formed ;  and  I  replying  in  the  affirmative,  he  shook 
his  head,  and  said,  "  What !  upon  a  dead  subject,  I 
suppose  ?  "  "  If,11  continued  he,  "  during  an  engage- 
ment at  sea,  a  man  should  be  brought  to  you  with 
his  head  shot  off,  how  would  you  behave  ?  "  After 
some  hesitation,  I  owned  such  a  case  had  never  come 
under  my  observation,  neither  did  I  remember  to 
have  seen  any  method  of  cure  proposed  for  such  an 
accident,  in  any  of  the  systems  of  surgery  I  had 
perused.  Whether  it  was  owing  to  the  simplicity 
of  my  answer,  or  the  archness  of  the  question,  I 
know  not,  but  every  member  of  the  board  deigned 
to  smile,  except  Mr.  Snarler,  who  seemed  to  have 
very  little  of  the  animal  risibile  in  his  constitution. 
The  facetious  member,  encouraged  by  the  success  of 
his  last  joke,  went  on  thus  :  "  Suppose  you  was 
called  to  a  patient  of  a  plethoric  habit,  who  had 
been  bruised  by  a  fall,  what  would  you  do  ? "  I 
answered,  I  would  bleed  him  immediately.  "  What," 
said  he,  "  before  you  had  tied  up  his  arm  ?  "  But 
this  stroke  of  wit  not  answering  his  expectation,  he 
desired  me  to  advance  to  the  gentleman  who  sat 
next  him ;  and  who,  with  a  pert  air,  asked  what 
method  of  cure  I  would  follow  in  wounds  of  the 
intestines.  I  repeated  the  method  of  cure  as  it  is 
prescribed  by  the  best  chirurgical  writers ;  which  he 
heard  to  an  end,  and  then  said,  with  a  supercilious 
[164] 


A  BOARD    OF    EXAMINERS 

smile,  "  So  you  think  by  such  treatment  the  patient 
might  recover  ?  "  I  told  him  I  saw  nothing  to  make 
me  think  otherwise.  "  That  may  be,"  resumed  he, 
"I  won't  answer  for  your  foresight;  but  did  you 
ever  know  a  case  of  this  kind  succeed  " ;  I  answered 
I  did  not ;  and  was  about  to  tell  him  I  had  never 
seen  a  wounded  intestine ;  but  he  stopped  me,  by 
saying,  with  some  precipitation,  "  Nor  never  will. 
I  affirm,  that  all  wounds  of  the  intestines,  whether 
great  or  small,  are  mortal."  —  "  Pardon  me,  brother," 
says  the  fat  gentleman,  "  there  is  very  good  author- 
ity." —  Here  he  was  interrupted  by  the  other,  with 
"  Sir,  excuse  me,  I  despise  all  authority.  Nullius  in 
verba.  I  stand  upon  my  own  bottom."  —  "  But,  sir, 
sir,"  replied  his  antagonist,  "  the  reason  of  the  thing 
shows."  —  "A  fig  for  reason,"  cried  this  sufficient 
member,  "  I  laugh  at  reason  ;  give  me  ocular  demon- 
stration." The  corpulent  gentleman  began  to  wax 
warm,  and  observed,  that  no  man  acquainted  with 
the  anatomy  of  the  parts  would  advance  such  an 
extravagant  assertion.  This  innuendo  enraged  the 
other  so  much  that  he  started  up,  and  in  a  furious 
tone,  exclaimed,  "  What,  sir !  do  you  question  my 
knowledge  in  anatomy  ?  "  By  this  time,  all  the  ex- 
aminers had  espoused  the  opinion  of  one  or  other  of 
the  disputants,  and  raised  their  voices  all  together, 
when  the  chairman  commanded  silence,  and  ordered 
me  to  withdraw.  In  less  than  a  quarter  of  an  hour 
J  165  ] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

I   was   called   in    again,   received    my  qualification 
sealed  up,  and  was  ordered  to  pay  five  shillings. 

I  laid  down  my  half-guinea  upon  the  table,  and 
stood  some  time,  until  one  of  them  bade  me  begone  ; 
to  this  I  replied,  "I  will,  when  I  have  got  my 
change  " ;  upon  which  another  threw  me  five  shillings 
and  sixpence,  saying,  I  should  not  be  a  true  Scotch- 
man if  I  went  away  without  my  change.  I  was  after- 
wards obliged  to  give  three  shillings  and  sixpence  to 
the  beadles,  and  a  shilling  to  an  old  woman  who 
swept  the  hall.  This  disbursement  sunk  my  finances 
to  thirteenpence  halfpenny,  with  which  I  was  sneak- 
ing off,  when  Jackson  perceiving  it,  came  up  to  me, 
and  begged  I  would  tarry  for  him,  and  he  would 
accompany  me  to  the  other  end  of  the  town,  as  soon 
as  his  examination  should  be  over.  I  could  not  refuse 
this  to  a  person  that  was  so  much  my  friend  ;  but  I 
was  astonished  at  the  change  of  his  dress,  which  was 
varied  in  half  an  hour  from  what  I  have  already  de- 
scribed, to  a  very  grotesque  fashion.  His  head  was 
covered  with  an  old  smoked  tie  wig  that  did  not 
boast  one  crooked  hair,  and  a  slouched  hat  over  it, 
which  would  have  very  well  become  a  chimney- 
sweeper or  a  dustman  ;  his  neck  was  adorned  with  a 
black  crape,  the  ends  of  which  he  had  twisted,  and 
fixed  in  the  button-hole  of  a  shabby  great-coat  that 
wrapped  up  his  whole  body  ;  his  white  silk  stockings 
were  converted  into  black  worsted  hose;  and  his 
[166] 


JACKSON'S    DISGUISE 

countenance  was  rendered  venerable  by  wrinkles,  and 
a  beard  of  his  own  painting. 

When  I  expressed  my  surprise  at  this  metamor- 
phosis, he  laughed,  and  told  me,  it  was  done  by  the 
advice  and  assistance  of  a  friend  who  lived  over  the 
way,  and  would  certainly  produce  something  very 
much  to  his  advantage  ;  for  it  gave  him  the  appear- 
ance of  age,  which  never  fails  of  attracting  respect. 
I  applauded  his  sagacity,  and  waited  with  impatience 
for  the  effects  of  it.  At  length  he  was  called  in,  but 
whether  the  oddness  of  his  appearance  excited  a  cur- 
iosity more  than  usual  in  the  board,  or  his  behaviour 
was  not  suitable  to  his  figure,  I  know  not ;  he  was 
discovered  to  be  an  impostor,  and  put  into  the  hands 
of  the  beadle,  in  order  to  be  sent  to  Bridewell.  So 
that  instead  of  seeing  him  come  out  with  a  cheerful 
countenance,  and  a  surgeon's  qualification  in  his 
hand,  I  perceived  him  led  through  the  outward  hall 
as  a  prisoner,  and  was  very  much  alarmed  and  an- 
xious to  know  the  occasion  ;  when  he  called  with  a 
lamentable  voice  and  piteous  aspect  to  me,  and  some 
others  who  knew  him,  "  For  God's  sake,  gentlemen, 
bear  witness  that  I  am  the  same  individual  John 
Jackson,  who  served  as  surgeon's  second  mate  on 
board  the  Elizabeth,  or  else  I  shall  go  to  Bridewell." 
It  would  have  been  impossible  for  the  most  austere 
hermit  that  ever  lived  to  have  refrained  from  laugh- 
ing at  his  appearance  and  address;  we  therefore 
[167] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

indulged  ourselves  a  good  while  at  his  expense,  and 
afterwards  pleaded  his  cause  so  effectually  with  the 
beadle,  who  was  gratified  with  half  a  crown,  that 
the  prisoner  was  dismissed,  and,  in  a  few  moments, 
resumed  his  former  gaiety ;  swearing,  since  the  board 
had  refused  his  money,  he  would  spend  it  every  shil- 
ling before  he  went  to  bed  in  treating  his  friends  ;  at 
the  same  time  inviting  us  all  to  favour  him  with  our 
company.  It  was  now  ten  o'clock  at  night,  and  as  I 
had  a  great  way  to  walk,  through  streets  that  were 
utterly  unknown  to  me,  I  was  prevailed  upon  to  be 
of  their  party,  in  hopes  he  would  afterwards  accom- 
pany me  to  my  lodgings,  according  to  his  promise. 

He  conducted  us  to  his  friend's  house,  who  kept  a 
tavern  over  the  way,  where  we  continued  drinking 
punch,  until  the  liquor  mounted  up  to  our  heads,  and 
made  us  all  extremely  frolicsome  :  I  in  particular  was 
so  much  elevated,  that  nothing  would  serve  me  but  a 
wench,  at  which  demand  Jackson  expressed  much  joy, 
and  assured  me  I  should  have  my  desire  before  we 
parted.  Accordingly,  when  we  had  paid  the  reckon- 
ing, we  sallied  out,  roaring  and  singing;  and  were 
conducted  by  our  leader  to  a  place  of  nocturnal 
entertainment,  where  I  immediately  attached  myself 
to  a  fair  one,  with  whom  I  proposed  to  spend  the 
remaining  part  of  the  night ;  but  she  not  relishing 
my  appearance,  refused  to  grant  my  request  before  I 
should  have  made  her  an  acknowledgment ;  which 
[168] 


ADVENTURE    AT    A    NIGHT    HOUSE 

not  suiting  with  my  circumstances,  we  broke  off  our 
correspondence,  to  my  no  small  mortification  and 
resentment,  because  I  thought  the  mercenary  creature 
had  not  done  justice  to  my  merit.  In  the  meantime, 
Mr.  Jackson's  dress  had  attracted  the  inclinations 
and  assiduities  of  two  or  three  nymphs,  who  loaded 
him  with  caresses,  in  return  for  the  arrack  punch  with 
which  he  treated  them ;  till  at  length,  notwithstanding 
the  sprightly  sallies  of  those  charmers,  sleep  began 
to  exert  his  power  over  us  all;  and  our  conductor 
called,  "  To  pay."  When  the  bill  was  brought, 
which  amounted  to  twelve  shillings,  he  put  his  hand 
in  his  pocket,  but  might  have  saved  himself  the 
trouble,  for  his  purse  was  gone.  This  accident  dis- 
concerted him  a  great  deal  at  first ;  but,  after  some 
recollection,  he  seized  the  two  Dulcineas  who  sat  by 
him,  one  in  each  hand,  and  swore,  if  they  did  not 
immediately  restore  his  money,  he  would  charge  a 
constable  with  them. 

The  good  lady  at  the  bar,  seeing  what  had  passed, 
whispered  something  to  the  drawer,  who  went  out ; 
and  then,  with  great  composure,  asked  what  was  the 
matter  ?  Jackson  told  her  he  was  robbed,  and  swore, 
if  she  refused  him  satisfaction,  he  would  have  her  and 
her  whores  committed  to  Bridewell.  "Robbed," 
cried  she,  "  robbed  in  my  house !  Gentlemen  and 
ladies,  I  take  you  all  to  witness,  this  person  has 
scandalised  my  reputation.'1  At  that  instant  seeing  the 
[169] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

constable  and  watch  enter,  she  proceeded,  "  What ! 
you  must  not  only  endeavour  by  your  false  aspersions 
to  ruin  my  character,  but  even  commit  an  assault 
upon  my  family !  Mr.  Constable,  I  charge  you  with 
this  uncivil  person,  who  has  been  guilty  of  a  riot 
here ;  I  shall  take  care  and  bring  an  action  against 
him  for  defamation.""  While  I  was  reflecting  on  this 
melancholy  event,  which  had  made  me  quite  sober, 
the  lady  whose  favours  I  had  solicited,  being  piqued 
at  some  repartee  that  passed  between  us,  cried, 
"  They  are  all  concerned  " ;  and  desired  the  constable 
to  take  us  all  into  custody ;  an  arrest  which  was  per- 
formed instantly,  to  the  utter  astonishment  and  des- 
pair of  us  all,  except  Jackson,  who  having  been  often  in 
such  scrapes,  was  very  little  concerned,  and  charged 
the  constable  in  his  turn  with  the  landlady  and  her 
whole  bevy  :  upon  which  we  were  carried  all  together 
prisoners  to  the  Round  House  ;  where  Jackson,  after 
a  word  of  comfort  to  us,  informed  the  constable  of 
his  being  robbed,  to  which  he  said  he  would  swear 
next  morning  before  the  justice.  "  Ay,  ay,"  says  the 
bawd,  "we  shall  see  whose  oath  will  most  signify." 
In  a  little  time,  the  constable,  calling  Jackson  into 
another  room,  spoke  to  him  thus :  "  I  perceive  that 
you  and  your  company  are  strangers,  and  am  very 
sorry  for  your  being  involved  in  such  an  ugly  busi- 
ness. I  have  known  this  woman  a  great  while  ;  she 
has  kept  a  notorious  house  in  the  neighbourhood 


TAKEN    BEFORE    A    JUSTICE 

this  many  years,  and,  although  often  complained  of 
as  a  nuisance,  still  escapes,  through  her  interest  with 
the  justices,  to  whom  she,  and  all  of  her  employment, 
pay  contribution  quarterly  for  protection.  As  she 
charged  me  with  you  first,  her  complaint  will  have 
the  preference ;  and  she  can  procure  evidence  to 
swear  whatever  she  shall  please  to  desire  of  them. 
So  that  unless  you  can  make  it  up  before  morning, 
you  and  your  companions  may  think  yourselves 
happily  quit  for  a  month's  hard  labour  in  Bridewell. 
Nay,  if  she  should  swear  a  robbery  or  assault  against 
you,  you  will  be  committed  to  Newgate,  and  tried 
next  sessions  at  the  Old  Bailey  for  your  life."  This 
last  piece  of  information  had  such  an  effect  upon 
Jackson,  that  he  agreed  to  make  it  up,  provided  his 
money  might  be  restored.  The  constable  told  him, 
that,  instead  of  retrieving  what  he  had  lost,  he  was 
pretty  certain  it  would  cost  him  some  more  before 
they  would  come  to  any  composition.  But,  however, 
he  had  compassion  on  him,  and  would,  if  he  pleased, 
sound  them  about  a  mutual  release.  The  unfortu- 
nate beau  thanked  him  for  his  friendship,  and  return- 
ing to  us,  acquainted  us  with  the  substance  of  this 
dialogue;  while  the  constable,  desiring  to  speak  in 
private  with  our  adversary,  carried  her  into  the  next 
room,  and  pleaded  our  cause  so  effectually,  that  she 
condescended  to  make  him  umpire  :  he  accordingly 
proposed  an  arbitration,  to  which  we  gave  our  assent ; 
[171] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

and  he  fined  each  party  in  three  shillings,  to  be  laid 
out  in  a  bowl  of  punch,  wherein  we  drowned  all 
animosities,  to  the  inexpressible  joy  of  my  two  late 
acquaintances  and  me,  who  had  been  in  the  state  of 
the  damned  ever  since  Jackson  mentioned  Bridewell 
and  Newgate.  By  the  time  we  had  finished  our 
bowl,  to  which,  by  the  by,  I  had  contributed  my  last 
shilling,  it  was  morning;  and  I  proposed  to  move 
homeward,  when  the  constable  gave  me  to  under- 
stand, he  could  discharge  no  prisoners,  but  by  order 
of  the  justice,  before  whom  we  must  appear.  This 
renewed  my  chagrin;  and  I  cursed  the  hour  in  which 
I  had  yielded  to  Jackson's  invitation.  About  nine 
o'clock  we  were  escorted  to  the  house  of  a  certain 
justice,  not  many  miles  distant  from  Covent  Garden ; 
who  no  sooner  saw  the  constable  enter  with  a  train 
of  prisoners  at  his  heels,  than  he  saluted  him  as 
follows :  "  So,  Mr.  Constable,  you  are  a  diligent  man  — • 
What  den  of  rogues  have  you  been  scouring  ?  "  Then 
looking  at  us,  who  appeared  very  much  dejected,  he 
continued,  "  Ay,  ay,  thieves,  I  see  —  old  offenders  — • 
O  your  humble  servant,  Mrs.  Harridan !  I  suppose 
these  fellows  have  been  taken  robbing  your  house  — 
yes,  yes,  here's  an  old  acquaintance  of  mine  —  you 
have  used  expedition,"  said  he  to  me,  "  in  returning 
from  transportation ;  but  we  shall  save  you  the 
trouble  for  the  future  —  the  surgeons  will  fetch  you 
from  your  next  transportation  at  their  expense."  I 
[172] 


TAKEN    BEFORE    A    JUSTICE 

assured  his  worship  he  was  mistaken  in  me,  for  he 
had  never  seen  me  in  his  life  before.  To  this  decla- 
ration he  replied,  "  How  !  you  impudent  rascal,  dare 
you  say  so  to  my  face  ?  Do  you  think  I  am  to  be 
imposed  upon  by  that  northern  accent  which  you 
have  assumed  ?  but  it  shan't  avail  you  —  you  shall 
find  me  too  far  north  for  you.  Here,  clerk,  write 
this  fellow's  mittimus.  His  name  is  Patrick  Ga- 
hagan." 

Here  Mr.  Jackson  interposed,  and  told  him  I  was 
a  Scotchman  lately  come  to  town,  descended  of  a 
good  family,  and  that  my  name  was  Random.  The 
justice  looked  upon  this  assertion  as  an  outrage  upon 
his  memory,  on  which  he  valued  himself  much ;  and 
strutting  up  to  Jackson,  with  a  fierce  countenance, 
put  his  hands  in  his  sides,  and  said,  "  Who  are  you, 
sir  ?  Do  you  give  me  the  lie  ?  Take  notice,  gen- 
tlemen, here 's  a  fellow  who  affronts  me  upon  the 
bench ;  but  I  '11  lay  you  fast,  sirrah,  I  will ;  for  not- 
withstanding your  laced  jacket,  I  believe  you  are  a 
notorious  felon."  My  friend  was  so  much  abashed 
at  this  menace,  which  was  thundered  out  with  great 
vociferation,  that  he  changed  colour,  and  remained 
speechless.  This  confusion  his  worship  took  for  a 
symptom  of  guilt,  and  to  complete  his  discovery, 
continued  his  threats  —  "  Now,  I  am  convinced  you 
are  a  thief — your  face  discovers  it  —  you  tremble 
all  over  —  your  conscience  won't  lie  still  —  you  '11  be 
[173] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

hanged,  sirrah,11  raising  his  voice, "  you  11  be  hanged ; 
and  happy  had  it  been  for  the  world,  as  well  as  your 
own  miserable  soul,  if  you  had  been  detected  and 
cut  off  in  the  beginning  of  your  career.  Come 
hither,  clerk,  and  take  this  man^  confession.11  I 
was  jn  an  agony  of  consternation,  when  the  consta- 
ble, going  into  another  room  with  his  worship, 
acquainted  him  with  the  truth  of  the  story ;  which 
having  learned,  he  returned  with  a  smiling  counte- 
nance, and  addressing  himself  to  us  all,  said  it  was 
always  his  way  to  terrify  young  people,  when  they 
came  before  him,  that  his  threats  might  make  a 
strong  impression  on  their  minds,  and  deter  them 
from  engaging  in  scenes  of  riot  and  debauchery, 
which  commonly  ended  before  the  judge.  Thus 
having  cloaked  his  own  want  of  discernment  under 
the  disguise  of  paternal  care,  we  were  dismissed,  and 
I  found  myself  as  much  lightened  as  if  a  mountain 
had  been  lifted  off  my  breast. 


[1741 


CHAPTER    EIGHTEEN 

[  CARRY  MY  QUALIFICATION  TO  THE  NAVY  OFFICE THE 

NATURE  OF  IT THE  BEHAVIOUR  OF  THE  SECRETARY 

—  STRAP'S  CONCERN  FOR  MY  ABSENCE  —  A  BATTLE 
BETWEEN  HIM  AND  A  BLACKSMITH THE  TROUBLE- 
SOME CONSEQUENCE  OF  IT HIS  HARANGUE  TO  ME 

HIS    FRIEND   THE    SCHOOLMASTER    RKCOMMENDS 

ME  TO  A  FRENCH  APOTHECARY,  WHO  ENTERTAINS  ME 
AS  A  JOURNEYMAN. 

I   WOULD  willingly  have  gone  home  to  sleep, 
but  was   told   by   my   companions,   that  we 
must    deliver  our  letters  of  qualification  at 
the  Navy  Office  before  one  o'clock;  accord- 
ingly we  went  thither,  and  gave  them  to  the  secre- 
tary, who  opened  and  read  them  ;  and  I  was  mightily 
pleased  to  find  myself  qualified  for  second  mate  of  a 
third-rate.     When  he  had  stuck  them  all  together  on 
a  file,  one  of  our  company  asked  if  there  were  any 
vacancies  ?  to  which  interrogation  he  answered,  No. 
Then  I  ventured  to  inquire  if  any  ships  were  to  be 
put   in   commission   soon  ?     At  which   question  he 
surveyed  me  with  a  look  of  ineffable  contempt,  and, 
pushing  us  out  of  his  office,  locked  the  door,  with- 
out deigning   us   another   word.     We  went   down- 
[175] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

stairs,  and  conferred  together  on  our  expectations, 
when  I  understood  that  each  of  them  had  been 
recommended  to  one  or  other  of  the  commissioners, 
and  each  of  them  promised  the  first  vacancy  that 
should  fall ;  but  that  none  of  them  relied  solely 
upon  that  interest,  without  a  present  to  the  secre- 
tary, with  whom  some  of  the  commissioners  went 
snacks.  For  which  reason  each  of  them  had  pro- 
vided a  small  purse;  and  I  was  asked  what  I 
proposed  to  give  ? 

This  was  a  vexatious  question  to  me,  who,  far 
from  being  in  a  capacity  to  gratify  a  ravenous  sec- 
retary, had  not  wherewithal  to  purchase  a  dinner. 
I  therefore  answered,  I  had  not  yet  determined  what 
to  give;  and  sneaked  off  towards  my  own  lodgings, 
cursing  my  fate  all  the  way,  and  inveighing  with 
much  bitterness  against  the  barbarity  of  my  grand- 
father, and  the  sordid  avarice  of  my  relations,  who 
left  me  a  prey  to  contempt  and  indigence.  Full  of 
these  disagreeable  reflections,  I  arrived  at  the  house 
where  I  lodged,  and  relieved  my  landlord  from  great 
anxiety  on  my  account ;  for  this  honest  man  believed 
I  had  met  with  some  disjnal  accident,  and  that  he 
should  never  see  me  again.  Strap,  who  had  come  to 
visit  me  in  the  morning,  understanding  I  had  been 
abroad  all  night,  was  almost  distracted,  and,  after 
having  obtained  leave  of  his  master,  had  gone  in 
quest  of  me,  though  he  was  even  more  ignorant  of 
[176] 


STRAP    AND    THE    BLACKSMITH 

the  town  than  I.  Not  being  willing  to  inform  my 
landlord  of  my  adventure,  I  told  him  I  had  met  with 
an  acquaintance  at  Surgeons'  Hall,  with  whom  I 
spent  the  evening  and  night,  but  being  very  much 
infested  by  bugs,  I  had  not  slept  much,  and  there- 
fore intended  to  take  a  little  repose;  so  saying,  I 
went  to  bed,  and  desired  to  be  awakened,  if  Strap 
should  happen  to  come  while  I  should  be  asleep.  I 
was  accordingly  roused  by  my  friend  himself,  who 
entered  my  chamber  about  three  o'clock  in  the  after- 
noon ;  and  presented  a  figure  to  my  eyes,  that  I 
could  scarce  believe  real.  In  short,  this  affectionate 
shaver,  setting  out  towards  Surgeons'*  Hall,  had  in- 
quired for  me  there  to  no  purpose ;  from  thence  he 
found  his  way  to  the  Navy  Office,  where  he  could  hear 
no  tidings  of  me,  because  I  was  unknown  to  every- 
body then  present ;  he  afterwards  went  upon  'Change, 
in  hopes  of  seeing  me  upon  the  Scotch  walk,  but 
without  success. 

At  last,  being  almost  in  despair  of  finding  me,  he 
resolved  to  ask  everybody  he  met  in  the  street,  if 
perchance  anyone  could  give  him  information  about 
me;  and  actually  put  his  resolution  in  practice,  in 
spite  of  the  scoffs,  curses,  and  reproaches  with  which 
he  was  answered  ;  until  a  blacksmith's  'prentice,  see- 
ing him  stop  a  porter  with  a  burden  on  his  back, 
and  hearing  his  question,  for  which  he  received  a 
hearty  curse,  called  to  him,  and  asked  if  the  person  he 

TOL.  I.  — 12  [    177  ] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

inquired  after  was  not  a  Scotchman  ?  Strap  replied 
with  great  eagerness,  "  Yes,  and  had  on  a  brown 
coat  with  long  skirts."  "  The  same,"  said  the  black- 
smith, "  I  saw  him  pass  by  an  hour  ago."  "  Did 
you  so  ?  "  cried  Strap,  rubbing  his  hands.  "  Odd  !  I 
am  very  glad  of  that  —  which  way  went  he?" 
"  Towards  Tyburn  in  a  cart,"  said  he ;  "  if  you  make 
good  speed,  you  may  get  thither  time  enough  to  see 
him  hanged."  This  piece  of  wit  incensed  my  friend 
to  such  a  degree,  that  he  called  the  blacksmith 
scoundrel,  and  protested  he  would  fight  him  for  half 
a  farthing.  "No,  no,"  said  the  other,  stripping, 
"  I  '11  have  none  of  your  money  —  you  Scotchmen 
seldom  carry  any  about  with  you  —  but  I  '11  fight 
you  for  love."  There  was  a  ring  immediately  formed 
by  the  mob ;  and  Strap,  finding  he  could  not  get  off 
honourably  without  fighting,  at  the  same  time  burn- 
ing with  resentment  against  his  adversary,  quitted 
his  clothes  to  the  care  of  the  multitude,  and  the 
battle  began  with  great  violence  on  the  side  of  Strap, 
who  in  a  few  minutes  exhausted  his  breath  and 
spirits  on  his  patient  antagonist,  who  sustained  the 
assault  with  great  coolness,  till,  finding  the  barber 
quite  spent,  he  returned  the  blows  he  had  lent  him 
with  such  interest,  that  Strap,  after  having  received 
three  falls  on  the  hard  stones,  gave  out,  and  allowed 
the  blacksmith  to  be  the  better  man. 

The  victory  being  thus  decided,  it  was  proposed 
[178] 


TROUBLESOME    CONSEQUENCE 

to  adjourn  to  a  cellar  hard  by,  and  drink  friends. 
But  when  my  friend  began  to  gather  up  his  clothes, 
he  perceived  that  some  honest  person  or  other  had 
made  free  with  his  shirt,  neckcloth,  hat,  and  wig, 
which  were  carried  off;  and  probably  his  coat  and 
waistcoat  would  have  met  with  the  same  fate,  had 
they  been  worth  stealing.  It  was  in  vain  for  him  to 
make  a  noise,  which  only  yielded  mirth  to  the  spec- 
tators ;  he  was  fain  to  get  off  in  this  manner,  which 
he  accomplished  with  much  difficulty,  and  appeared 
before  me  all  besmeared  with  blood  and  dirt.  Not- 
withstanding this  misfortune,  such  was  his  transport 
at  finding  me  safe  and  sound,  that  he  had  almost  stifled 
and  stunk  me  to  death  with  his  embraces.  After  he 
had  cleaned  himself,  and  put  on  one  of  my  shirts, 
and  a  woollen  nightcap,  I  recounted  to  him  the  par- 
ticulars of  my  night's  campaign,  which  filled  him 
with  admiration,  and  made  him  repeat  with  great 
energy  an  observation  which  was  often  in  his  mouth, 
namely,  "  that  surely  London  is  the  devil's  drawing- 
room."  As  neither  of  us  had  dined,  he  desired  me 
to  get  up ;  and  the  milkwoman  coming  round  at 
that  instant,  he  went  downstairs,  and  brought  up  a 
quart,  with  a  penny  brick,  on  which  we  made  a  com- 
fortable meal.  He  then  shared  his  money  with  me, 
which  amounted  to  eighteenpence,  and  left  me,  with 
an  intention  to  borrow  an  old  wig  and  hat  of  his 
friend  the  schoolmaster. 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

He  was  no  sooner  gone,  than  I  began  to  consider 
my  situation  with  great  uneasiness,  and  revolved  all 
the  schemes  my  imagination  could  suggest,  in  order 
to  choose  and  pursue  some  one  that  might  procure 
me  bread  ;  for  it  is  impossible  to  express  the  pangs 
I  felt,  when  I  reflected  on  the  miserable  dependence 
in  which  I  lived  at  the  expense  of  a  poor  barber's 
boy.  My  pride  took  the  alarm,  and  having  no 
hopes  of  succeeding  at  the  Navy  Office,  I  came  to  a 
resolution  of  enlisting  in  the  foot-guards  next  day, 
be  the  event  what  it  would.  This  extravagant 
design,  by  flattering  my  disposition,  gave  great  sat- 
isfaction ;  and  I  was  charging  the  enemy  at  the  head 
of  my  own  regiment,  when  Strap's  return  interrupted 
my  reverie.  The  schoolmaster  had  made  him  a 
present  of  the  tie  wig  which  he  wore  when  I  was 
introduced  to  him,  together  with  an  old  hat,  whose 
brims  would  have  overshadowed  a  Colossus.  Though 
Strap  had  ventured  to  wear  them  in  the  dusk,  he 
did  not  choose  to  entertain  the  mob  by  day  ;  there- 
fore went  to  work  immediately,  and  reduced  them 
both  to  a  moderate  size.  While  he  was  employed  in 
this  office,  he  addressed  me  thus :  "  To  be  sure,  Mr. 
Random,  you  are  born  a  gentleman,  and  have  a 
great  deal  of  learning  —  and  indeed  look  like  a  gentle- 
man ;  for,  as  to  person,  you  may  hold  up  your  head 
with  the  best  of  them.  On  the  other  hand,  I  am 
a  poor  but  honest  cobbler's  son  —  my  mother  was 
[180] 


STRAP'S    HARANGUE 

as  industrious  a  woman  as  ever  broke  bread,  till  such 
time  as  she  took  to  drinking,  which  you  very  well 
know  —  but  everybody  has  failings  —  humanum  est 
errare.  Now,  for  myself,  I  am  a  poor  journeyman 
barber,  tolerably  well  made,  and  understand  some 
Latin,  and  have  a  smattering  of  Greek  —  but>  what 
of  that?  perhaps  I  might  also  say  that  I  know  a 
little  of  the  world  —  but  that  is  to  no  purpose  — 
though  you  be  gentle  and  I  simple,  it  does  not  fol- 
low but  that  I  who  am  simple  may  do  a  good  office 
to  you  who  are  gentle.  Now  this  is  the  case  —  my 
kinsman  the  schoolmaster  —  perhaps  you  did  not 
know  how  nearly  he  is  related  to  me  —  I  '11  satisfy 
you  in  that  presently  —  his  mother  and  my  grand- 
mother's sister's  nephew  —  no,  that 's  not  it  —  my 
grandfather's  brother's  daughter  —  rabbit  it !  I 
have  forgot  the  degree,  but  this  I  know,  he  and  I 
are  cousins  seven  times  removed."  My  impatience 
to  know  the  good  office  he  had  done  me  got  the 
better  of  my  temper,  and  interrupted  him  at  this 
place,  with,  "  D — n  your  relation  and  pedigree  !  if  the 
schoolmaster  or  you  can  be  of  any  advantage  to  me, 
why  don't  you  tell  me  without  all  this  preamble  ? " 
When  I  pronounced  these  words  with  some  vehe- 
mence, Strap  looked  at  me  for  some  time  with  a 
grave  countenance,  and  then  went  on  :  "  Surely  my 
pedigree  is  not  to  be  d — n'd,  because  it  is  not  so  noble 
as  yours.  I  am  very  sorry  to  see  such  an  alteration 
[181] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

in  your  temper  of  late  —  you  was  always  fiery,  but 
now  you  are  grown  as  crabbed  as  old  Perriwinkle  the 
drunken  tinker,  on  whom  you  and  I,  God  forgive  us, 
played  so  many  unlucky  tricks,  while  we  were  at 
school.  But  I  will  no  longer  detain  you  in  suspense, 
because,  doubtless,  nothing  is  more  uneasy  than 
doubt  —  dubio,  procul  dubio,  nil  dubius.  My  friend, 
or  relation,  or  which  you  will,  or  both,  the  school- 
master, being  informed  of  the  regard  I  have  for  you 
—  for,  you  may  be  sure,  I  did  not  fail  to  let  him 
know  your  good  qualities  —  by  the  by,  he  has 
undertaken  to  teach  you  the  pronunciation  of  the 
English  tongue,  without  which,  he  says,  you  will  be 
unfit  for  business  in  this  country  —  I  say  my  relation 
has  spoke  in  your  behalf  to  a  French  apothecary 
who  wants  a  journeyman ;  and,  on  his  recommen- 
dation, you  may  have  fifteen  pounds  per  year,  bed 
and  board,  whenever  you  please."  I  was  too  much 
interested  in  this  piece  of  news  to  entertain  it  with 
indifference ;  but,  jumping  up,  insisted  on  Strap's 
immediately  accompanying  me  to  the  house  of  his 
friend,  that  I  might  not  lose  this  opportunity  through 
the  least  delay  or  neglect  on  my  part. 

We  were  informed  that  the  schoolmaster  was  in 
company  at  a  public-house  in  the  neighbourhood, 
whither  we  repaired,  and  found  him  drinking  with 
the  very  individual  apothecary  in  question.  When 
he  was  called  to  the  door  at  our  desire,  and  observed 
[182] 


INTRODUCTION    TO    LAVEMENT 

my  impatience,  he  broke  out  into  his  usual  term  of 
admiration  :  "  O  Ch — st !  I  suppose,  when  you  heard 
of  this  offer,  you  did  not  take  leisure  enough  to 
come  downstairs,  but  leapt  out  of  the  window ;  did 
you  overturn  no  porter  nor  oyster-woman  in  your 
way  !  It  is  a  mercy  of  God  you  did  not  knock  your 
brains  out  against  some  post  in  your  career.  O  my 
conscience !  I  believe,  had  I  been  in  the  inmost 
recesses  of  my  habitation,  —  the  very  penetralia,  — 
even  in  bed  with  my  wife ;  your  eagerness  would 
have  surmounted  bolts,  bars,  decency,  and  every- 
thing. The  den  of  Cacus  or  Sanctum  Sanctorum 
could  not  have  hid  me  from  you.  But  come  along, 
the  gentleman  of  whom  I  spoke  is  in  the  house,  I 
will  present  you  to  him  forthwith."  When  I  en- 
tered the  room,  I  perceived  four  or  five  people  smok- 
ing, one  of  whom  the  schoolmaster  accosted  thus  : 
"  Mr.  Lavement,  here  ""s  the  young  man  of  whom  •  I 
spoke  to  you."  The  apothecary,  who  was  a  little 
old  withered  man,  with  a  forehead  about  an  inch 
high,  a  nose  turned  up  at  the  end,  large  cheek-bones 
that  helped  to  form  a  pit  for  his  little  grey  eyes,  a 
great  bag  of  loose  skin  hanging  down  on  each  side 
in  wrinkles  like  the  alforjas  of  a  baboon ;  and  a 
mouth  so  accustomed  to  that  contraction  which 
produces  grinning,  that  he  could  not  pronounce  a 
syllable  without  discovering  the  remains  of  his  teeth, 
which  consisted  of  four  yellow  fangs,  not  improperly, 
[183] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

by  anatomists,  called  canine;  —  this  person,  I  say, 
after  having  eyed  me  some  time,  said,  "  Oho,  't  is 
very  well,  Mons.  Concordance  ;  —  young  man,  you 
are  ver  welcome,  take  one  coup  of  bierre  —  and  come 
to  mine  house  to-marrow  morning :  Mons.  Concord- 
ance vil  show  you  de  way."  Upon  this  I  made  my 
bow,  and  as  I  went  out  of  the  room,  could  hear  him 
say,  "  Ma  fm !  c'est  un  beau  gar^on,  c'est  un  gal- 
Hard.'1''  As  I  had,  by  my  own  application,  while  I 
served  Crab,  acquired  the  French  tongue  well  enough 
to  read  authors  written  in  that  language,  and  un- 
derstand anything  that  occurred  in  conversation,  I 
determined  to  pretend  ignorance  to  my  new  master, 
that  he  and  his  family,  whom  I  supposed  to  be  of 
the  same  country,  not  being  on  the  reserve  before 
me,  might  possibly  discover  something  in  discourse, 
which  would  either  yield  me  amusement  or  advantage. 
Next  morning  Mr.  Concordance  carried  me  to  the 
apothecary's  house,  where  the  bargain  was  made, 
and  orders  given  to  provide  an  apartment  for  me 
immediately.  But,  before  I  entered  upon  business, 
the  schoolmaster  recommended  me  to  his  tailor,  who 
gave  me  credit  for  a  suit  of  clothes  to  be  paid  out 
of  the  first  moiety  of  my  wages,  and  they  were  begun 
upon  that  very  day ;  he  afterwards  accommodated 
me  with  a  new  hat,  on  the  same  terms ;  so  that,  in  a 
few  days,  I  hoped  to  make  a  very  fashionable  appear- 
ance. In  the  meantime,  Strap  conveyed  my  bag- 
[184] 


INTRODUCTION    TO    LAVEMENT 

gage  to  the  place  allotted  for  me,  which  was  a  back 
room  up  two  pair  of  stairs,  furnished  with  a  pallet 
for  me  to  lie  upon,  a  chair  without  a  back,  an  earthen 
chamber-pot  without  a  handle,  a  bottle  by  way  of 
candlestick,  and  a  triangular  piece  of  glass  instead 
of  a  mirror,  the  rest  of  its  ornaments  having  been 
lately  removed  to  one  of  the  garrets,  for  the  con- 
venience of  the  servant  of  an  Irish  captain,  who 
lodged  in  the  first  floor. 


[185] 


CHAPTER    NINETEEN 

THE    CHARACTERS     OF    MR.    LAVEMENT,    HIS    WIFE,    AND 

DAUGHTER SOME    ANECDOTES    OF   THE    FAMILY 

THE      MOTHER      AND      DAUGHTER      RIVALS  I      AM 

GUILTY  OF  A  MISTAKE  THAT  GIVES  ME  PRESENT 
SATISFACTION,  BUT  IS  ATTENDED  WITH  TROUBLE- 
SOME CONSEQUENCES. 

NEXT  day,  while  I  was  at  work  in  the 
shop,  a  bouncing  damsel,  well  dressed, 
came  in,  on  pretence  of  finding  a  phial 
for  some  use  or  other;  and  taking  an 
opportunity,  when  she  thought  I  did  not  mind  her, 
of  observing  me  narrowly,  went  away  with  a  silent 
look   of  disdain.     I   easily   guessed  her  sentiments, 
and  my  pride  took    the  resolution  of   entertaining 
the  same  indifference  and  neglect  towards  her.     At 
dinner,  the  maids,  with  whom  I  dined  in  the  kitchen, 
gave  me  to  understand  that  this  was  my   master's 
only   daughter,   who  would  have  a  very   handsome 
fortune,   on  account  of  which,   and  her  beauty,  a 
great  many  young  gentlemen  made  their  addresses 
to  her ;  that  she  had  been  twice  on  the  brink  of  mar- 
riage,  but  disappointed   by   the   stinginess   of  her 
[186] 


THE    LAVEMENT    FAMILY 

father,  who  refused  to  part  with  a  shilling  to  pro- 
mote the  match ;  for  which  reason  the  young  lady 
did  not  behave  to  her  father  with  all  the  filial 
veneration  that  might  be  expected.  In  particular, 
she  harboured  the  most  perfect  hatred  for  his  coun- 
trymen, in  which  disposition  she  resembled  her 
mother,  who  was  an  Englishwoman ;  and,  by  the 
hints  they  dropped,  I  learned  the  grey  mare  was 
the  better  horse;  that  she  w-as  a  matron  of  a  high 
spirit,  which  was  often  manifested  at  the  expense  of 
her  dependants;  that  she  loved  diversions,  and 
looked  upon  Miss  as  her  rival  in  all  parties ;  which, 
indeed,  was  the  true  cause  of  all  her  disappoint- 
ments, for,  had  the  mother  been  hearty  in  her  inter- 
est, the  father  would  not  have  ventured  to  refuse 
her  demands. 

Over  and  above  this  intelligence,  I,  of  myself,  soon 
made  more  discoveries.  Mr.  Lavement's  significant 
grins  at  his  wife,  while  she  looked  another  way,  con- 
vinced me  that  he  was  not  at  all  content  with  his 
lot ;  and  his  behaviour  in  presence  of  the  captain, 
made  me  believe  his  chief  torment  was  jealousy. 
As  for  my  own  part,  I  was  considered  in  no  other 
light  than  that  of  a  menial  servant,  and  had  been 
already  six  days  in  the  house  without  being  honoured 
with  one  word  from  either  mother  or  daughter,  the 
latter  (as  I  understood  from  the  maids)  having,  at 
table,  one  day  expressed  some  surprise  that  her 
[187] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

papa    should    entertain     such    an    awkward    mean- 
looking  journeyman.     I  was  nettled  at  this  piece  of 
information,  and  next  Sunday,  (it  being  my  turn  to 
take  my  diversion,)  dressed  myself  in  my  new  clothes, 
to  the  greatest  advantage,  and,  vanity  apart,  made 
no  contemptible  figure.     After  having  spent   most 
part  of  the  day  in  company  with  Strap,  and  some  of 
his  acquaintance,  I  came  home  in  the  afternoon,  and 
was  let  in  by  Miss,  who,  not  knowing  me,  dropped  a 
low  curtsey  as  I  advanced,  which  I  returned  with  a 
profound  bow,  and  shut  the  door.     By  the  time  I 
had  turned  about,  she  had  perceived  her   mistake, 
and  changed   colour,  but  did   not    withdraw.     The 
passage  being  narrow,  I  could  not  get  away  without 
jostling  her ;  so  I  was  forced  to  remain  where  I  was, 
with  my  eyes  fixed  on  the  ground,  and  my  face  glow- 
ing with  blushes.     At  length  her  vanity  coming  to 
her  assistance,  she  went  away  tittering,  and  I  could 
hear   her   pronounce  the    word    "Creature."1'     From 
this   day    forward,    she    came    into    the   shop    fifty 
times   every  day,  upon  various    pretences,  and  put 
in   practice  so  many    ridiculous    airs,  that    I  could 
easily  perceive  her  opinion  of  me  was  changed,  and 
that  she  did  not  think  me  altogether  an  unworthy 
conquest.     But  my  heart  was  so  steeled   against  her 
charms  by  pride  and   resentment,   which  were  two 
chief  ingredients  in  my  disposition,  that  I  remained 
insensible   to    all    her   arts;    and,   notwithstanding 


MOTHER    AND    DAUGHTER 

some  advances  she  made,  could  not  be  prevailed  upon 
to  yield  her  the  least  attention.  This  neglect  soon 
banished  all  the  favourable  impressions  she  felt  for 
me,  and  the  rage  of  a  slighted  woman  took  place  in 
her  heart ;  this  she  manifested  not  only  in  all  the 
suggestions  her  malice  could  invent  to  my  prejudice 
with  her  father,  but  also  in  procuring  for  me  such 
servile  employments  as  she  hoped  would  sufficiently 
humble  my  spirit.  One  day,  in  particular,  she 
ordered  me  to  brush  my  master's  coat,  but  I  refus- 
ing, a  smart  dialogue  ensued,  which  ended  in  her 
bursting  into  tears  of  rage  ;  when  her  mother  inter- 
posing, and  examining  into  the  merits  of  the  cause, 
determined  it  in  my  favour;  and  this  good  office  I 
owed  not  to  any  esteem  or  consideration  she  had  for 
me,  but  solely  to  the  desire  of  mortifying  her  daugh- 
ter, who  on  this  occasion  observed,  that  let  people  be 
never  so  much  in  the  right,  there  were  some  folks 
who  would  never  do  them  justice ;  but,  to  be  sure, 
they  had  their  reasons  for  it,  which  some  people 
were  not  ignorant  of,  although  they  despised  their 
little  arts.  This  insinuation  of  some  people  and 
some  folks,  put  me  upon  observing  the  behaviour  of 
my  mistress  more  narrowly  for  the  future ;  and  it  was 
not  long  before  I  had  reason  to  believe  that  she 
looked  upon  her  daughter  as  a  rival  in  the  affec- 
tions of  Captain  O'Donnell,  who  lodged  in  the  house. 
In  the  meantime,  my  industry  and  knowledge  gained 
[189] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

me  the  goodwill  of  my  master,  who  would  often  say 
in  French,  "  Mardie !  c'est  un  bon  gar^on"  He  had 
a  great  deal  of  business ;  but  as  he  was  mostly  em- 
ployed among  his  fellow-refugees,  his  profits  were 
small.  However,  his  expense  for  medicines  was  not 
great,  for  he  was  the  most  expert  man  at  a  succe- 
daneum  of  any  apothecary  in  London ;  so  that  I 
have  been  sometimes  amazed  to  see  him,  without  the 
least  hesitation,  make  up  a  physician's  prescription, 
though  he  had  not  in  his  shop  one  medicine  men- 
tioned in  it.  Oyster-shells  he  could  invent  into 
crab's  eyes  ;  common  oil,  into  oil  of  sweet  almonds  ; 
syrup  of  sugar,  into  balsamic  syrup ;  Thames  water, 
into  aqua  cinnamoni ;  turpentine,  into  capivi ;  and  a 
hundred  more  costly  preparations  were  produced  in 
an  instant,  from  the  cheapest  and  coarsest  drugs  of 
the  materm  medico, :  and  when  any  common  thing 
was  ordered  for  a  patient,  he  always  took  care  to 
disguise  it  in  colour  or  taste,  or  both,  in  such  a 
manner,  as  that  it  could  not  possibly  be  known,  for 
which  purpose  cochineal  and  oil  of  cloves  were  of 
great  service.  Among  many  nostrums  which  he  pos- 
sessed, there  was  one  for  the  venereal  disease,  that 
brought  him  a  good  deal  of  money ;  and  this  he  con- 
cealed so  artfully  from  me,  that  I  could  never  learn 
its  composition.  But  during  the  eight  months  I 
staid  in  his  service,  he  was  so  unfortunate  in  the  use 
of  it,  that  three  parts  in  four  of  those  who  took  it 
[190] 


MOTHER    AND    DAUGHTER 

were  fain  to  confirm  the  cure  by  a  salivation  under 
the  direction  of  another  doctor.  This  bad  success, 
in  all  appearance,  attached  him  the  more  to  his 
specific ;  and  before  I  left  him,  I  may  venture  to  say, 
he  would  have  sooner  renounced  the  Trinity,  not- 
withstanding his  being  a  good  Huguenot,  than  his 
confidence  in  the  never-failing  power  of  this  remedy. 
Mr.  Lavement  had  attempted  more  than  once  to 
introduce  a  vegetable  diet  into  his  family,  by  launch- 
ing out  into  the  praise  of  roots  and  greens,  and 
decrying  the  use  of  flesh,  both  as  a  physician  and 
philosopher ;  but  all  his  rhetoric  could  not  make  one 
proselyte  to  his  opinion ;  and  even  the  wife  of  his 
bosom  declared  against  the  proposal.  Whether  it 
was  owing  to  the  little  regard  she  paid  to  her 
husband's  admonition  in  this  particular,  or  to  the 
natural  warmth  of  her  constitution,  I  know  not ;  but 
this  lady's  passions  became  every  day  more  and  more 
violent,  till  at  last  she  looked  upon  decency  as  an 
unnecessary  restraint;  and  one  afternoon,  when  her 
husband  was  abroad,  and  her  daughter  gone  to  visit, 
ordered  me  to  call  a  hackney  coach,  in  which  she  and 
the  captain  drove  toward  Covent  Garden. 

Miss  came  home  in  the  evening,  and,  supping  at 
her  usual  hour,  went  to  bed.  About  eleven  o'clock 
my  master  entered,  and  asked  if  his  wife  was  gone  to 
sleep  ;  upon  which  I  told  him,  my  mistress  went  out 
in  the  afternoon,  and  was  not  yet  returned.  This 
[191] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

was  like  a  clap  of  thunder  to  the  poor  apothecary, 
who,  starting  back,  cried,  "  Mori  de  ma  vie !  vat  you 
tell  a  me  ?  My  wife  not  at  home !  "  At  that  in- 
stant a  patient's  servant  arrived  with  a  prescription 
for  a  draught,  which  my  master  taking,  went  into 
the  shop  to  make  it  up  with  his  own  hand.  While 
he  rubbed  the  ingredients  in  a  glass  mortar,  he 
inquired  of  me,  whether  or  not  his  wife  went  out 
alone ;  and  no  sooner  heard  that  she  was  in  com- 
pany with  the  captain,  than,  with  one  blow,  he  split 
the  mortar  into  a  thousand  pieces,  and,  grinning  like 
the  head  of  a  bass  viol,  exclaimed,  "  Ah,  traitresse  !  " 
It  would  have  been  impossible  for  me  to  have  pre- 
served my  gravity  a  minute  longer,  when  I  was 
happily  relieved  by  a  rap  at  the  door,  which  I  opened, 
and  perceived  my  mistress  coming  out  of  the  coach ; 
she  flounced  immediately  into  the  shop,  and  ad- 
dressed her  husband  thus :  "  I  suppose  you  thought 
I  was  lost,  my  dear  —  Captain  O'Donnell  has  been 
so  good  as  to  treat  me  with  a  play."  "  Play,  play," 
replied  he,  "  oho !  yes,  by  gar,  I  believe  ver  prettie 
play."  "  Bless  me  ! "  said  she,  "  what 's  the  mat- 
ter ? "  "  Vat  de  matter  ? "  cried  he,  forgetting  all 
his  former  complaisance,  "  by  gar,  you  be  one  damn 
dog's  wife  —  ventre  bleu !  me  vill  show  you  vat  it 
is  to  put  one  horn  upon  mine  head.  Pardieu  !  le 
Capitaine  O'Donnell  be  one "  —  Here  the  captain, 
who  had  been  all  the  while  at  the  door  discharging 
[192] 


CAPTAIN    (TDONNELL 

the  coach,  entered,  and  said,  with  a  terrible  voice, 
"  D — mme  !  what  am  I  ?  "  Mr.  Lavement,  chang- 
ing his  tone,  immediately  saluted  him  with,  "  Oh 
serviteur,  Monsieur  le  Capitaine,  vous  Gtes  un  galant 
homme  —  mafemme  estfort  obligee.™  Then,  turning 
about  towards  me,  pronounced  with  a  low  voice, 
u Et  diabkment  obligeante,  sans  doute"  "Harkee, 
Mr.  Lavement,'*  said  the  captain,  "  I  am  a  man  of 
honour,  and  I  believe  you  are  too  much  of  a  gentle- 
man to  be  offended  at  the  civility  I  show  your  wife." 
This  declaration  had  such  an  effect  on  the  apothe- 
cary, that  he  resumed  all  the  politesse  of  a  French- 
man, and  with  the  utmost  prostration  of  compliment, 
assured  the  captain  that  he  was  perfectly  well  satis- 
fied with  the  honour  he  had  done  his  wife.  Matters 
being  thus  composed,  everybody  went  to  rest.  Next 
day,  I  perceived,  through  a  glass  door  that  opened 
from  the  shop  into  the  parlour,  the  captain  talking 
earnestly  to  Miss,  who  heard  him  with  a  look  that 
expressed  anger  mingled  with  scorn ;  which,  however, 
he  at  last  found  means  to  mollify,  and  sealed  his 
reconciliation  with  a  kiss.  This  circumstance  soon 
convinced  me  of  the  occasion  of  the  quarrel ;  but 
notwithstanding  all  my  vigilance,  I  could  never  dis- 
cover any  other  commerce  between  them.  In  the 
meanwhile,  I  had  reason  to  believe  I  had  inspired 
one  of  the  maids  with  tender  sentiments  for  me ;  and 
one  night,  when  I  thought  every  other  person  in  the 

VOL.  I.  —  13  [   193  J 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

house  asleep,  I  took  the  opportunity  of  going  to 
reap  the  fruits  of  my  conquest,  her  bedfellow  having 
the  day  before  gone  to  Richmond  to  visit  her  par- 
ents. Accordingly,  I  got  up,  and,  naked  as  I  was, 
explored  my  way  in  the  dark  to  the  garret  where  she 
lay.  I  was  ravished  to  find  the  door  open,  and 
moved  softly  to  her  bedside,  transported  with  the 
hope  of  completing  my  wishes.  But  what  horrors 
of  jealousy  and  disappointment  did  I  feel,  when  I 
found  her  asleep,  fast  locked  in  the  arms  of  a  man, 
whom  I  easily  guessed  to  be  no  other  than  the  cap- 
tain's servant !  I  was  upon  the  point  of  doing  some 
rash  thing,  when  the  noise  of  a  rat  scratching  behind 
the  wainscot  put  me  to  flight,  and  I  was  fain  to  get 
back  to  my  own  bed  in  safety.  Whether  this  alarm 
had  disordered  my  mind,  or  that  I  was  led  astray  by 
the  power  of  destiny,  I  know  not ;  but,  instead  of 
turning  to  the  left  hand  when  I  descended  to  the 
second  storey,  I  pursued  the  contrary  course,  and 
mistook  the  young  lady's  bedchamber  for  my  own. 
I  did  not  perceive  my  mistake  before  I  had  run 
against  the  bedposts,  and  then  it  was  not  in  my 
power  to  retreat  undiscovered  ;  for  the  nymph  being 
awake,  felt  my  approach,  and,  with  a  soft  voice,  bade 
me  make  less  noise,  lest  the  Scotch  booby  in  the 
next  room  should  overhear  us.  This  hint  was  suffi- 
cient to  inform  me  of  the  nature  of  the  assignation  ; 
and  as  my  passions,  at  any  time  high,  were  then  in 
[194] 


A    NOCTURNAL    MISTAKE 

a  state  of  exaltation,  I  resolved  to  profit  by  my  good 
fortune. 

Without  any  more  ceremony,  therefore,  I  made 
bold  to  slip  into  bed  to  this  charmer,  who  gave  me 
as  favourable  a  reception  as  I  could  desire.  Our 
conversation  was  very  sparing  on  my  part ;  but  she 
upbraided  the  person  whom  I  represented  with  his 
jealousy  of  me,  whom  she  handled  so  roughly,  that 
my  resentment  had  well-nigh  occasioned  a  discovery 
more  than  once ;  but  I  was  consoled  for  her  hatred 
of  me  by  the  revenge  I  enjoyed  in  understanding 
from  her  own  mouth  that  it  was  now  high  time  to 
salve  her  reputation  by  matrimony ;  for  she  had 
reason  to  fear  she  could  not  much  longer  conceal  the 
effects  of  their  mutual  intercourse.  While  I  was 
meditating  an  answer  to  this  proposal,  I  heard  a 
noise  in  my  room,  like  something  heavy  falling 
down  upon  the  floor ;  upon  which  I  started  up,  and, 
creeping  to  the  door  of  my  chamber,  observed  by 
moonlight  the  shadow  of  a  man  groping  his  way 
out ;  so  I  retired  to  one  side  to  let  him  pass,  and 
saw  him  go  downstairs  as  expeditiously  as  he  could. 
It  was  an  easy  matter  to  divine  that  this  was  the 
captain,  who,  having  overslept  himself,  had  got  up 
at  last  to  keep  his  assignation  ;  and  finding  my  door 
open,  had  entered  my  apartment  instead  of  that  of 
his  mistress,  where  I  supplied  his  place ;  but  finding 
his  mistake,  by  falling  over  my  chair,  he  was  afraid 
[195] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

the  noise  might  alarm  the  family,  and,  for  that 
reason,  made  off,  delaying  the  gratification  of  his 
desires  till  another  opportunity.  By  this  time  I 
was  satisfied  ;  and,  instead  of  returning  to  the  place 
from  whence  I  came,  retreated  to  my  own  castle, 
which  I  fortified  by  bolting  the  door,  and,  in  the 
congratulation  of  my  own  happiness,  fell  asleep. 
But  the  truth  of  this  adventure  could  not  be  long 
concealed  from  my  young  mistress,  who  next  day 
came  to  an  explanation  with  the  captain,  upon  his 
lamenting  his  last  night's  disappointment,  and  beg- 
ging pardon  for  the  noise  he  had  made.  Their 
mutual  chagrin,  when  they  came  to  the  knowledge 
of  what  had  happened,  may  be  easily  conjectured, 
though  each  had  a  peculiar  grief  unfelt  by  the  other ; 
for  she  was  conscious  of  not  only  having  betrayed 
to  me  the  secrets  of  her  commerce  with  him,  but 
also  of  having  incensed  me  by  the  freedoms  she  had 
taken  with  my  name,  beyond  a  hope  of  reconcilia- 
tion. On  the  other  hand,  his  jealousy  suggested 
that  her  sorrow  was  all  artifice,  and  that  I  had  sup- 
plied his  place  with  her  own  privity  and  consent. 
That  such  was  the  situation  of  their  thoughts,  will 
appear  in  the  sequel ;  for  that  very  day  she  came 
into  the  shop  where  I  was  alone,  and  fixing  her  eyes, 
swimming  in  tears,  upon  me,  sighed  most  piteously. 
But  I  was  proof  against  her  distress,  by  recollecting 
the  epithets  with  which  she  had  honoured  me  the 
[196] 


A    NOCTURNAL    MISTAKE 

night  before ;  and  believing  that  the  good  reception 
I  enjoyed  was  destined  for  another,  therefore  I  took 
no  notice  of  her  affliction  ;  and  she  had  the  morti- 
fication to  find  her  disdain  returned  fourfold.  How- 
ever, from  thenceforward  she  thought  proper  to  use 
me  with  more  complaisance  than  usual,  knowing 
that  it  was  in  my  power  at  any  time  to  publish  her 
shame.  By  these  means  my  life  became  much  more 
agreeable,  though  I  never  could  prevail  upon  myself 
to  repeat  my  nocturnal  visit ;  and,  as  I  every  day 
improved  in  my  knowledge  of  the  town,  I  shook  off 
my  awkward  air  by  degrees,  and  acquired  the  char- 
acter of  a  polite  journeyman  apothecary. 


[197] 


CHAPTER    TWENTY 

I  AM  ASSAULTED  AND  DANGEROUSLY  WOUNDED SUSPECT 

O'DONNELL,  AND  AM  CONFIRMED  IN  MY  OPINION  — 
CONCERT  A  SCHEME  OF  REVENGE,  AND  PUT  IT  IN 
EXECUTION  —  O'DONNELL  ROBS  HIS  OWN  SERVANT, 

AND    DISAPPEARS I     MAKE     MY    ADDRESSES    TO   A 

LADY,  AND  AM  MIRACULOUSLY  DELIVERED  FROM  HER 
SNARE. 

ONE    night    about    twelve    o'clock,   as    I 
returned    from    visiting   a    patient    at 
Chelsea,  I  received  a  blow  on  my  head 
from  an  unseen  hand,  that  stretched  me 
senseless  on  the  ground ;  and  was  left  for  dead,  with 
three  stabs  of  a  sword  in  my  body.     The  groans  I 
uttered,  when  I   recovered   the  use  of  my   reason, 
alarmed  the  people  of  a  solitary  alehouse  that  stood 
near  the  spot  where  I  lay,  and  they  were  humane 
enough  to  take  me  in,  and  send  for  a  surgeon,  who 
dressed  my  wounds,  and  assured  me  they  were  not 
mortal.     One  of  them  penetrated  through  the  skin 
and  muscles  of  one  side  of  my  belly  in  such  a  manner, 
that  doubtless  the  assassin  imagined  he  had  run  me 
through  the  entrails.     The  second  slanted  along  one 
[198] 


DANGEROUSLY    WOUNDED 

of  my  ribs ;  and  the  last,  which  was  intended  for  the 
finishing  stroke,  having  been  directed  to  my  heart, 
the  sword  snapped  upon  my  breastbone,  and  the  point 
remained  sticking  in  the  skin.  When  I  reflected 
upon  this  event,  I  could  not  persuade  myself  that  I 
had  been  assaulted  by  a  common  footpad  ;  because  it 
is  not  usual  for  such  people  to  murder  those  they  rob, 
especially  when  they  meet  with  no  resistance ;  and  I 
found  my  money,  and  everything  else  about  me  (but 
my  carcase)  safe.  I  concluded,  therefore,  that  I  must 
either  have  been  mistaken  for  another,  or  obliged  to 
the  private  resentment  of  some  secret  enemy  for  what 
had  happened  ;  and  as  I  could  remember  nobody  who 
had  the  least  cause  of  complaint  against  me,  except 
Captain  O'Donnell  and  my  master's  daughter,  my 
suspicion  settled  upon  them,  though  I  took  care  to 
conceal  it,  that  I  might  the  sooner  arrive  at  confirma- 
tion. 

With  this  view,  I  went  home  in  a  chair  about  ten 
o'clock  in  the  morning ;  and  as  the  chairman  supported 
me  into  the  house,  met  the  captain  in  the  passage, 
who  no  sooner  saw  me,  than  he  started  back,  and 
gave  evident  signs  of  guilty  confusion,  which  he  would 
have  accounted  for  from  the  surprise  occasioned  by 
seeing  me  in  such  a  condition.  My  master  having 
heard  my  story,  condoled  me  with  a  good  deal  of  sym- 
pathy, and  when  he  understood  my  wounds  were  not 
dangerous,  ordered  me  to  be  carried  upstairs  to  bed ; 
[199] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

though  not  without  some  opposition  from  his  wife, 
who  was  of  opinion,  it  would  be  better  for  me  to  go 
to  an  hospital,  where  I  should  be  more  carefully 
attended.  My  meditation  was  employed  in  concert- 
ing with  myself  some  method  of  revenge  against 
Squire  O'Donnell  and  his  inamorata,  whom  I  looked 
upon  as  the  authors  of  my  misfortune ;  when  Miss 
(who  was  not  at  home  at  my  arrival)  entered  my 
chamber,  and,  saying  she  was  sorry  for  the  accident 
that  had  befallen  me,  asked  if  I  suspected  anybody  to 
be  the  assassin  :  upon  which  I  fixed  my  eyes  stead- 
fastly upon  her,  and  answered, "  Yes."  She  discovered 
no  symptom  of  confusion  ;  but  replied  hastily,  "  If 
that  be  the  case,  why  don^t  you  take  out  a  warrant  to 
have  him  apprehended  ?  It  will  cost  but  a  trifle  ;  if 
you  have  no  money,  I  '11  lend  you."  This  frankness 
not  only  cured  me  of  my  suspicion  with  respect  to 
her  ;  but  even  staggered  my  belief  with  regard  to  the 
captain,  of  whose  guilt  I  resolved  to  have  further 
proof  before  I  should  enterprise  anything  in  the  way 
of  revenge. 

I  thanked  her  kindly  for  her  generous  offer ;  which, 
however,  I  had  no  occasion  to  accept,  being  determined 
to  do  nothing  rashly :  for  though  I  could  plainly  per- 
ceive the  person  who  attacked  me  to  be  a  soldier, 
whose  face  I  thought  was  familiar  to  me,  I  could  not 
swear  with  a  safe  conscience  to  any  particular  man  ; 
and,  granting  I  could,  my  prosecution  of  him  would 
[  200  ] 


A    SCHEME    OF    REVENGE 

not  much  avail.  This  uncertainty  I  pretended,  lest 
the  captain,  hearing  from  her  that  I  knew  the  person 
who  wounded  me,  might  think  proper  to  withdraw 
before  I  could  be  in  a  condition  to  requite  him.  In 
two  days  I  was  up,  and  able  to  do  a  little  business,  so 
that  Mr.  Lavement  made  shift  to  carry  on  his  prac- 
tice without  hiring  another  journeyman  in  my  room. 
The  first  thing  I  attempted  towards  a  certain  discov- 
ery of  my  secret  enemy,  was  to  get  into  O'Donneirs 
apartment  while  he  was  abroad  in  an  undress,  and 
examine  his  sword,  the  point  of  which  being  broke  off, 
I  applied  the  fragment  that  was  found  sticking  in  my 
body,  and  found  it  answered  the  fractured  part 
exactly.  There  was  no  room  left  for  doubt ;  and  all 
that  remained  was  to  fix  upon  a  scheme  of  revenge, 
which  almost  solely  engrossed  my  thoughts  during 
the  space  of  eight  nights  and  days.  Sometimes  I  was 
tempted  to  fall  upon  him  in  the  same  manner  as  he 
had  practised  upon  me,  and  kill  him  outright.  But 
this  assault  my  honour  opposed  as  a  piece  of  barbar- 
ous cowardice,  in  which  he  was  not  to  be  imitated. 
At  other  times  I  entertained  thoughts  of  demanding 
satisfaction  in  an  honourable  way ;  but  was  diverted 
from  this  undertaking  by  considering  the  uncertainty 
of  the  event,  and  the  nature  of  the  injury  he  had  done 
me,  which  did  not  entitle  him  to  such  easy  terms.  At 
last  I  determined  to  pursue  a  middle  course ;  and 
actually  put  my  design  in  execution  after  this  manner. 
[201  ] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

Having  secured  the  assistance  of  Strap  and  two  of  his 
acquaintance  whom  he  could  depend  upon,  we  pro- 
vided ourselves  with  disguises,  and  I  caused  the  follow- 
ing letter  to  be  delivered  to  him  by  one  of  our 
associates  in  livery  one  Sunday  evening :  — 

"Sin,  —  If  I  may  be  allowed  to  judge  from  appear- 
ance, it  will  not  be  disagreeable  to  you  to  hear  that  my 
husband  is  gone  to  Bagshot  to  visit  a  patient,  and  will 
not  return  till  to-morrow  night ;  so  that  if  you  have  any- 
thing to  propose  to  me  (as  your  behaviour  on  many  occa- 
sions has  seemed  to  insinuate),  you  will  do  well  to 
embrace  the  present  opportunity  of  seeing 

Yours,  etc." 

This  letter  was  signed  with  the  name  of  an  apothe- 
cary's wife  who  lived  in  Chelsea,  of  whom  I  had  heard 
O'Donnell  was  an  admirer.  Everything  succeeded  to 
our  wish.  The  amorous  hero  hastened  towards  the 
place  of  assignation ;  and  was  encountered  by  us  in 
the  very  place  where  he  had  assaulted  me.  We  rushed 
upon  him  all  at  once,  secured  his  sword,  stripped  off 
his  clothes  even  to  the  skin,  which  we  scourged  with 
nettles  till  he  was  blistered  from  head  to  foot,  not, 
withstanding  all  the  eloquence  of  his  tears  and 
supplications. 

When  I  was  satisfied  with  the  stripes  I  had  be-* 

stowed,  we  carried  off  his  clothes,  which  we  hid  in  a 

hedge  near  the  place,  and  left  him  stark  naked  to 

find  his  way  home  in  the  best  manner  he  could,  while 

[202] 


AN    ASSIGNATION 

I  took  care  to  be  there  before  him.  I  afterwards  under- 
stood, that,  in  his  way  to  the  lodgings  of  a  friend 
who  lived  in  the  skirts  of  the  town,  he  was  picked  up 
by  the  watch,  who  carried  him  to  the  Round  House, 
from  whence  he  sent  for  clothes  to  his  lodgings  ;  and 
next  morning  arrived  at  the  door  in  a  chair,  wrapped 
up  in  a  blanket  he  had  borrowed ;  for  his  body  was 
so  sore  and  swelled,  that  he  could  not  bear  to  be 
confined  in  his  wearing  apparel.  He  was  treated 
with  the  utmost  tenderness  by  my  mistress  and  her 
daughter,  who  vied  with  each  other  in  their  care  and 
attendance  of  him  ;  but  Lavement  himself  could  not 
forbear  expressing  his  joy,  by  several  malicious  grins, 
while  he  ordered  me  to  prepare  an  unguent  for  his 
sores.  As  to  myself,  nobody  can  doubt  my  gratifi- 
cation when  I  had  every  day  an  opportunity  of  seeing 
my  revenge  protracted  on  the  body  of  my  adversary 
by  the  ulcers  of  which  I  had  been  the  cause ;  and 
indeed  I  not  only  enjoyed  the  satisfaction  of  having 
flayed  him  alive,  but  another  also  which  I  had  not 
foreseen.  The  story  of  his  being  attacked  and 
stripped  in  such  a  place  having  been  inserted  in  the 
news,  gave  information  to  those  who  found  his 
clothes  next  day  whither  to  bring  them ;  and  accord- 
ingly he  retrieved  everything  he  had  lost,  except  a 
few  letters,  among  which  was  that  which  I  had  writ 
to  him  in  the  name  of  the  apothecary's  wife.  This 
and  the  others,  which,  it  seems,  were  all  on  the  sub- 
[203] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

ject  of  love  ( for  this  Hibernian  hero  was  one  of 
those  people  who  are  called  fortune-hunters),  fell 
into  the  hands  of  a  certain  female  author,  famous 
for  the  scandal  she  has  published,  who,  after  having 
embellished  them  with  some  ornaments  of  her  own 
invention,  gave  them  to  the  town  in  print. 

I  was  very  much  shocked  on  reflecting,  that  I  might 
possibly  be  the  occasion  of  a  whole  family's  unhappi- 
ness,  on  account  of  the  letter  I  had  written  ;  but  was 
eased  of  that  apprehension,  when  I  understood  that 
the  Chelsea  apothecary  had  commenced  a  law-suit 
against  the  printer  for  defamation ;  and  looked  upon 
the  whole  as  a  piece  of  forgery  committed  by  the 
author,  who  had  disappeared.  But  whatever  might  be 
his  opinion  of  the  matter,  our  two  ladies  seemed  to 
entertain  a  different  idea  of  it :  for,  as  soon  as  the 
pamphlet  appeared,  I  could  perceive  their  care  of 
their  patient  considerably  diminish,  until  at  last  it 
ended  in  total  neglect.  It  was  impossible  for  him  to 
be  ignorant  of  this  change,  any  more  than  of  the 
occasion  of  it ;  but  as  he  was  conscious  to  himself  of 
having  deserved  worse  than  contempt  at  their  hands, 
he  was  glad  to  come  off  so  cheaply,  and  contented 
himself  with  muttering  curses  and  threats  against  the 
apothecary,  who,  as  he  imagined,  having  got  an 
inkling  of  the  appointment  with  his  wife,  had  taken 
revenge  of  him  in  the  manner  described.  By  the  time 
he  got  a  new  scarf  skin,  his  character  was  become  so 
[204] 


STRAP  TAKES  HIS  LEAVE 

notorious,  that  he  thought  it  high  time  for  him  to 
decamp ;  and  his  retreat  he  performed  in  one  night 
without  beat  of  drum,  after  having  robbed  his  own 
servant  of  everything  that  belonged  to  him,  except 
the  clothes  he  had  on  his  back.  A  few  days  after  he 
had  disappeared,  Mr.  Lavement,  for  his  own  security, 
took  into  custody  a  large  old  trunk  which  he  had 
left;  and,  as  it  was  very  heavy,  made  no  question 
that  the  contents  were  sufficient  to  idemnify  him  for 
what  OTJonnell  owed  in  lodging.  But  a  month  being 
elapsed  without  hearing  any  tidings  of  this  adven- 
turer, and  my  master  being  impatient  to  know  what 
the  trunk  contained,  he  ordered  me  to  break  it  open 
in  his  presence,  which  task  I  performed  with  the 
pestle  of  our  great  mortar,  and  discovered,  to  his 
inexpressible  astonishment  and  mortification,  a  heap 
of  stones. 

About  this  time  my  friend  Strap  informed  me  of 
an  offer  he  had  to  go  abroad  with  a  gentleman,  in 
quality  of  valet-de-chambre,  and  at  the  same  time 
assured  me,  that  whatever  advantage  he  might  pro- 
pose to  himself  from  this  prospect,  he  could  not 
bear  the  thoughts  of  parting  from  me  ;  so  much  was 
he  attached  to  my  fortune.  In  spite  of  all  the  obli- 
gations I  owed  to  this  poor  honest  fellow,  ingratitude 
is  so  natural  to  the  heart  of  man,  that  I  began  to  be 
tired  of  his  acquaintance ;  and  now  that  I  had  con- 
tracted other  friendships  which  appeared  more  credit- 
[205] 


able,  was  even  ashamed  to  see  a  journeyman  barber 
inquiring  after  me  with  the  familiarity  of  a  companion. 
I  therefore,  on  pretence  of  consulting  his  welfare,  in- 
sisted upon  his  accepting  the  proposal,  which  he  at 
last  determined  to  embrace  with  great  reluctance ; 
and  in  a  few  days  took  his  leave  of  me,  shedding  a 
flood  of  tears,  which  I  could  not  behold  without 
emotion.  I  now  began  to  look  upon  myself  as  a 
gentleman  in  reality  —  learned  to  dance  of  a  French- 
man whom  I  had  cured  of  a  fashionable  distemper  — 
frequented  plays  during  the  holidays  —  became  the 
oracle  of  an  alehouse,  where  every  dispute  was 
referred  to  my  decision  —  and  at  length  contracted 
an  acquaintance  with  a  young  lady,  who  found  means 
to  make  a  conquest  of  my  heart,  and  upon  whom  I 
prevailed,  after  much  attendance  and  solicitation,  to 
give  me  a  promise  of  marriage.  As  this  beautiful 
creature  passed  for  a  rich  heiress,  I  blessed  my  good 
fortune,  and  was  actually  on  the  point  of  crowning  all 
my  wishes  by  matrimony ;  when  one  morning  I  went 
to  her  lodgings,  and  her  maid  being  abroad,  took  the 
privilege  of  a  bridegroom  to  enter  her  chamber, 
where,  to  my  utter  confusion,  I  found  her  in  bed  with 
a  man.  Heaven  gave  me  patience  and  presence  of 
mind  enough  to  withdraw  immediately ;  and  I 
thanked  my  stars  a  thousand  times  for  the  happy 
discovery,  by  which  I  resolved  to  profit  so  much  as  to 
abandon  all  thoughts  of  marriage  for  the  future. 
[206] 


CHAPTER    TWENTY-ONE 

SQUIRE  GAWKY  COMES   TO   LODGE   WITH    MY   MASTER IS 

INVOLVED  IN  A  TROUBLESOME  AFFAIR,  OUT  OF  WHICH 

HE  IS  EXTRICATED  BY  ME HE   MARRIES    MY    MAS- 

TER's  DAUGHTER THEY   CONSPIRE  AGAINST  ME 

I   AM   FOUND    GUILTY   OF    THEFT DISCHARGED 

DESERTED  BY   MY  FRIENDS I   HIRE  A  ROOM  IN  ST. 

GILESES WHERE,  BY  ACCIDENT,  I  FIND.THE  LADY  TG 

WHOM  I  MADE  MY  ADDRESSES  IN  A  MISERABLE  CONDI- 
TION   I  RELIEVE  HER. 

WHILE  I  enjoyed  myself  at  large  in  this 
temper  of  mind,   Mr.   Lavement  let 
his  first  floor  to  my  countryman  and 
acquaintance,  Squire  Gawky,  who,  by 
this  time,  had  got  a  lieutenancy  in  the  army,  and 
such  a  martial  ferocity  in  his  appearance,  that  I  was 
afraid  he  would  remember  what  had  happened  be- 
tween us  in  Scotland,  and  atone  for  his  breach  of 
appointment  then,  by  his   punctuality  now;    but, 
whether  he  had  actually  forgot  me,  or  was  willing  to 
make  me  believe  so,  he  betrayed  not  the  least  symp- 
tom of  recognition  at  sight  of  me,  and  I  remained 
quite  cured  of  my  apprehension ;  though  I  had  occa- 
sion, not  long  after,  to  be  convinced  that,  howsoever 
[207] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

his  externals  might  be  altered,  he  was  at  bottom  the 
same  individual  Gawky  whom  I  have  already  de- 
scribed. For,  coming  home  late  one  night  from  the 
house  of  a  patient,  I  heard  a  noise  in  the  street,  and, 
as  I  approached,  perceived  two  gentlemen  in  custody 
of  three  watchmen. 

The  prisoners,  who  were  miserably  disfigured  with 
dirt,  complained  bitterly  of  the  loss  of  their  hats 
and  wigs ;  and  one  of  them,  whom,  by  his  tongue,  I 
knew  to  be  a  Scotchman,  lamented  most  piteously, 
offering  a  guinea  for  his  liberty,  which  the  watchman 
refused,  alleging  that  one  of  his  companions  was 
wounded  grievously,  and  that  he  must  stand  to  the 
consequence.  My  prejudice  in  favour  of  my  country 
was  so  strong,  that  I  could  not  bear  to  see  anybody 
belonging  to  it  in  distress,  and  therefore,  with  one 
blow  of  my  faithful  cudgel,  knocked  down  the 
watchman  who  had  hold  of  the  person  for  whom  I 
was  chiefly  concerned.  He  was  no  sooner  disengaged, 
than  he  betook  himself  to  his  heels,  and  left  me  to 
maintain  the  dispute  as  I  should  think  proper ;  and, 
indeed,  I  came  off  but  scurvily ;  for,  before  I  could 
avail  myself  of  my  speed,  I  received  a  blow  on  the 
eye  from  one  of  the  other  two,  that  had  well-nigh 
deprived  me  of  the  use  of  that  organ.  However, 
I  made  shift  to  get  home,  where  I  was  informed  of 
Captain  Gawky's  being  robbed  and  abused  by  a 
company  of  footpads,  and  was  ordered  by  my  master 
[208  J 


GAWKY    AND    THE    WATCHMEN 

to  prepare  an  emollient  glyster  and  paregoric  draught, 
in  order  to  allay  and  compose  the  ferment  of  his 
spirits,  occasioned  by  the  barbarous  treatment  he 
had  undergone,  while  he  took  twelve  ounces  of 
blood  from  him  immediately.  When  I  inquired  into 
the  particulars  of  this  adventure,  and  understood,  by 
the  servant,  that  he  came  in  just  before  me,  without 
hat  and  wig,  I  made  no  scruple  of  believing  him  to 
be  the  person  I  had  released,  and  was  confirmed  in 
my  belief  upon  hearing  his  voice,  to  which,  before 
that  event,  I  had  been  so  long  a  stranger.  My  eye 
being  considerably  swelled  and  inflamed,  I  could  not 
reflect  upon  my  enterprise  without  cursing  my  own 
folly,  and  even  resolving  to  declare  the  truth  of  the 
whole  story,  in  order  to  be  revenged  on  the  cowardly 
wretch,  for  whom  I  had  suffered.  Accordingly, 
next  day,  after  he  had  told,  in  the  presence  of  my 
master,  his  wife,  and  daughter,  who  came  to  visit 
him,  a  thousand  lies  concerning  the  prowess  he  had 
shown  in  making  his  escape,  I  ventured  to  explain 
the  mystery,  and,  calling  in  the  evidence  of  my 
contused  eye,  upbraided  him  with  cowardice  and 
ingratitude.  Gawky  was  so  astonished  at  this  dis- 
course, that  he  could  not  answer  one  word ;  and  the 
rest  of  the  company  stared  at  one  another ;  till,  at 
length,  my  mistress  reprimanded  me  for  my  insolent 
behaviour,  and  threatened  to  turn  me  away  for  my 
presumption. 

TOL.  I.—  14  [209] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

Upon  which  Gawky,  having  recollected  himself, 
observed,  as  the  young  man  might  have  mistaken 
another  person  for  him,  he  could  forgive  his  insinua- 
tions, more  especially  as  he  seemed  to  have  suffered 
for  his  civility ;  but  advised  me  to  be  more  certain  in 
my  conjectures  for  the  future,  before  I  ventured  to 
publish  them  to  the  prejudice  of  any  man.  Miss 
applauded  the  captain's  generosity  in  pardoning  one 
who  had  so  villanously  aspersed  him,  and  I  began 
to  imagine  her  praise  was  not  at  all  disinterested. 
But  the  apothecary,  who,  perhaps,  had  more  penetra- 
tion, or  less  partiality,  than  his  wife  and  daughter, 
differed  from  them  in  his  sentiments  of  the  matter, 
and  expressed  himself  to  me  in  the  shop  in  this 
manner :  "  Ah !  mon  pauvre  Roderique !  you  ave 
more  of  de  veracite  dan  of  de  prudence  —  bot  mine 
vife  and  dater  be  diablement  sage,  and  Mons.  le 
Capitaine  un  fanfaron,  pardieu  ! "  This  eulogium  on 
his  wife  and  daughter,  though  spoken  ironically  by 
him,  was,  nevertheless,  literally  just ;  by  espousing 
the  cause  of  Gawky,  the  one  obliged  a  valuable 
lodger,  and  the  other  acquired  a  husband  at  a  junc- 
ture when  one  was  absolutely  necessary;  for  the 
young  lady,  finding  the  effects  of  her  correspondence 
with  O'Donnell  becoming  plainer  and  plainer  every 
day,  insinuated  herself  so  artfully  into  the  affection 
of  this  new  lodger,  that  in  less  than  a  fortnight, 
on  pretence  of  going  to  a  play,  they  drove  away  to- 
[210] 


GAWKY'S    MARRIAGE 

gether  to  the  Fleet,  where  they  were  coupled ;  from 
thence  removed  to  a  bagnio,  where  the  marriage  was 
consummated ;  and  in  the  morning  came  home,  where 
they  asked  her  father's  and  mother's  blessing.  The 
prudent  parents,  notwithstanding  the  precipitation 
with  which  the  match  was  carried  on,  did  not  think 
fit  to  refuse  their  approbation  ;  for  the  apothecary 
was  not  ill  pleased  to  find  his  daughter  married  to  a 
young  man  of  a  good  prospect,  who  had  not  men- 
tioned to  him  one  syllable  on  the  article  of  her 
dowry ;  and  his  wife  was  rejoiced  at  being  rid 
of  a  rival  in  her  gallants,  and  a  spy  upon  her 
pleasures.  Nor  was  I  without  self-enjoyment  at  this 
event,  when  I  reflected  upon  the  revenge  I  had  un- 
wittingly taken  upon  my  enemy,  in  making  him  a 
cuckold  by  anticipation.  But  I  little  dreamed  what 
a  storm  of  mischief  was  brewing  against  me,  whilst 
I  thus  indulged  myself.  Whatever  face  Gawky  put 
on  the  matter,  my  discovery  of  the  adventure  before 
related,  and  the  reproaches  I  vented  against  him, 
had  stung  him  to  the  soul,  and  cherished  the  seeds 
of  enmity  so  strongly  in  his  breast,  that  he,  it 
seems,  imparted  his  indignation  to  his  wife,  who, 
being  as  desirous  as  himself  tc  compass  the  ruin  of 
one  that  not  only  slighted  her  caresses,  but  was  able 
on  any  occasion  to  discover  particulars  not  at  all 
advantageous  to  her  character,  readily  joined  in  a 
conspiracy  against  me,  which,  had  it  taken  effect  as 
[211] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

they  expected,  would  infallibly  have  brought  me  to 
an  ignominious  death. 

My  master  having  several  times  missed  large  quan- 
tities of  medicines,  of  which  I  could  give  no  account, 
at  last  lost  all  patience,  and,  in  plain  terms,  taxed 
me  with  having  embezzled  them  for  my  own  use. 
As  I  could  only  oppose  my  single  asseveration  to  his 
suspicion,  he  told  me  one  day,  "  By  gar,  your  vord 
not  be  give  me  de  satisfaction  —  me  find  necessaire 
to  chercher  for  my  medicine,  pardonnez-moi  —  il  faut 
chercher  —  me  demand  le  clef  of  your  coffre  a  cette 
heure."  Then  raising  his  voice  to  conceal  the  fright 
he  was  in,  lest  I  should  make  any  opposition,  he  went 
on,  "  Oui,  foutre,  I  charge  you  rendez  le  clef  of  your 
coffre  —  moi  —  si,  moi  qui  vous  parle."  I  was  fired 
with  so  much  resentment  and  disdain  at  this  accusa- 
tion, that  I  burst  into  tears,  which  he  took  for  a  sign 
of  my  guilt ;  and,  pulling  out  my  key,  told  him  he 
might  satisfy  himself  immediately,  though  he  would 
not  find  it  so  easy  to  satisfy  me  for  the  injury  my 
reputation  had  suffered  from  his  unjust  suspicion. 
He  took  the  key,  and  mounted  up  to  my  chamber, 
attended  by  the  whole  family ;  saying,  "  He  bien,  nous 
verrons  —  nous  verrons."  But  what  was  my  horror 
and  amazement,  when,  on  opening  my  chest,  he  pulled 
out  a  handful  of  the  very  things  that  were  missing, 
and  pronounced,  "  Ah  ha  !  vous  etes  bien  venus  — • 
mardie,  Mons.  Roderique,  you  be  fort  innocent." 
[212] 


ACCUSATION    OF    THEFT 

I  had  not  power  to  utter  one  word  in  my  own 
vindication,  but  stood  motionless  and  silent,  while 
everybody  present  made  their  respective  remarks  on 
what  appeared  against  me.  The  servants  said  they 
were  sorry  for  my  misfortune,  and  went  away  repeat- 
ing, "  Who  would  have  thought  it  ?  "  My  mistress 
took  occasion,  from  this  detection,  to  rail  against  the 
practice  of  employing  strangers  in  general ;  and  Mrs. 
Gawky,  after  having  observed  that  she  never  had  a 
good  opinion  of  my  fidelity,  proposed  to  have  me 
carried  before  a  justice,  and  committed  to  Newgate 
immediately.  Her  husband  was  actually  upon  the 
stairs  in  his  way  for  a  constable,  when  Mr.  Lave- 
ment, knowing  the  cost  and  trouble  of  a  prosecution 
to  which  he  must  bind  himself,  and  at  the  same 
time  dreading  lest  some  particulars  of  my  confes- 
sion might  affect  his  practice,  called  out,  "  Restez, 
mon  fils !  restez,  it  be  veritablement  one  grand 
crime  which  dis  pauvre  diable  have  committed  — 
bot  peutetre  de  good  God  give  him  de  penitence, 
and  me  vill  not  have  upon  mine  head  de  blood  of 
one  sinner.1'  The  captain  and  his  lady  used  all  the 
Christian  arguments  their  zeal  could  suggest,  to 
prevail  on  the  apothecary  to  pursue  me  to  destruc- 
tion, and  represented  the  injustice  he  did  to  the 
community  of  which  he  was  a  member,  in  letting 
a  villain  escape,  who  would  not  fail  of  doing  more 
mischief  in  the  world,  when  he  should  reflect  on 
[218] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

his  coming  off  so  easily  now.  But  their  eloquence  made 
no  impression  on  my  master,  who,  turning  to  me,  said, 
"  Go,  miserable,  go  from  mine  house,  quick,  quick  — 
and  make  reparation  for  your  mauvaise  actions." 

By  this  time  my  indignation  had  roused  me  from 
the  stupefaction  in  which  I  had  hitherto  remained, 
and  I  began  in  this  manner :  "  Sir,  appearances,  I 
own,  condemn  me ;  but  you  are  imposed  upon  as 
much  as  I  am  abused.  I  have  fallen  a  sacrifice  to 
the  rancour  of  that  scoundrel,"  pointing  to  Gawky, 
"  who  has  found  means  to  convey  your  goods  hither, 
that  the  detection  of  them  might  blast  my  reputa- 
tion, and  accomplish  my  destruction.  His  hatred  of 
me  is  owing  to  a  consciousness  of  his  having  wronged 
me  in  my  own  country ;  for  which  injury  he,  in  a 
cowardly  manner,  refused  me  the  satisfaction  of  a 
gentleman.  He  knows,  moreover,  that  I  am  no 
stranger  to  his  dastardly  behaviour  in  this  town, 
which  I  have  recounted  before ;  and  he  is  unwilling 
that  such  a  testimony  of  his  ingratitude  and  pusil- 
lanimity should  live  upon  the  earth.  For  this  rea- 
son he  is  guilty  of  the  most  infernal  malice  to  bring 
about  my  ruin.  And  I  am  afraid,  madam,"  turning 
to  Mrs.  Gawky,  "  you  have  too  easily  entered  into 
the  sentiments  of  your  husband.  I  have  often  found 
you  my  enemy,  and  am  well  acquainted  with  the 
occasion  of  your  being  so,  which  I  don't  at  present 
think  proper  to  declare ;  but  I  would  not  advise  your 
[214] 


ACCUSATION    OF    THEFT 

for  your  own  sake,  to  drive  me  to  extremity ."  This 
address  enraged  her  so  much,  that,  with  a  face  as  red 
as  scarlet,  and  the  eyes  of  a  fury,  she  strutted  up  to 
me,  and,  putting  her  hands  on  her  sides,  spit  in  my 
face,  saying  I  was  a  scandalous  villain,  but  she  defied 
my  malice ;  and  that,  unless  her  papa  would  prose- 
cute me  like  a  thief  as  I  was,  she  would  not  stay 
another  night  under  his  roof.  At  the  same  time 
Gawky,  assuming  a  big  look,  told  me  he  scorned 
what  lies  I  could  invent  against  him  ;  but  that,  if  I 
pretended  to  asperse  his  wife,  he  would  put  me  to 
death,  by  G — d.  To  this  threat  I  answered,  "I 
wish  to  God  I  could  meet  with  thee  in  a  desert,  that 
I  might  have  an  opportunity  of  punishing  thee  for 
thy  perfidy  towards  me,  and  rid  the  world  of  such  a 
rascal.  What  hinders  me  this  moment,"  said  I, 
seizing  an  old  bottle  that  stood  by,  "from  doing 
myself  that  justice  ?  "  I  had  no  sooner  armed  myself 
in  this  manner,  than  Gawky  and  his  father-in-law 
retired  in  such  a  hurry,  that  the  one  overturned  the 
other,  and  they  rolled  together  downstairs;  while 
my  mistress  swooned  away  with  fear ;  and  her  daugh- 
ter asked  if  I  intended  to  murder  her  ?  I  gave  her 
to  understand,  that  nothing  was  further  from  my 
intention ;  that  I  would  leave  her  to  the  stings  of 
her  own  conscience,  but  was  firmly  resolved  to  slit 
her  husband's  nose,  whenever  fortune  should  offer  a 
convenient  opportunity. 

[215] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

Then  going  downstairs,  I  met  Lavement  coming 
up  trembling  with  the  pestle  in  his  hand,  and  Gawky 
behind,  armed  with  his  sword,  pushing  him  forward. 
I  demanded  a  parley,  and  having  assured  them  of  my 
pacific  disposition,  Gawky  exclaimed,  "  Ah !  villain  ! 
you  have  killed  my  dear  wife."  And  the  apothecary 
cried,  "  Ah !  coquin  !  vere  is  my  shild  ? "  "  The 
lady,"  said  I,  "  is  above  stairs,  unhurt  by  me,  and  will 
a  few  months  hence,  I  believe,  reward  your  concern.1" 
Here  she  called  to  them,  and  desired  they  would  let 
the  wretch  go,  and  trouble  themselves  no  further 
about  him.  To  which  request  her  father  consented, 
observing,  nevertheless,  that  my  conversation  was 
fort  mysterieuse.  Finding  it  impossible  to  vindicate 
my  innocence,  I  left  the  house  immediately,  and 
went  to  the  schoolmaster,  with  an  intention  of  clear- 
ing myself  to  him,  and  asking  his  advice  with  regard 
to  my  future  conduct ;  but,  to  my  inexpressible  vex- 
ation, was  told  he  was  gone  to  the  country,  where  he 
would  stay  two  or  three  days.  I  returned  with  a 
design  of  consulting  some  acquaintances  I  had 
acquired  in  my  master's  neighbourhood ;  but  my 
story  had  taken  air,  through  the  officiousness  of  the 
servants,  and  not  one  of  my  friends  would  vouchsafe 
me  a  hearing.  Thus  I  found  myself,  by  the  iniquity 
of  mankind,  in  a  much  more  deplorable  condition 
than  ever :  for  though  I  had  been  formerly  as  poor, 
my  reputation  was  without  blemish,  and  my  health 
[216] 


DESERTED    BY    FRIENDS 

unimpaired  till  now ;  but  at  present  my  good  name 
was  lost,  my  money  gone,  my  friends  were  alienated, 
my  body  was  infected  by  a  distemper  contracted  in 
the  course  of  an  amour,  and  my  faithful  Strap,  who 
alone  could  yield  me  pity  and  assistance,  absent  I 
knew  not  where. 

The  first  resolution  I  could  take  in  this  melan- 
choly conjuncture,  was  to  remove  my  clothes  to  the 
house  of  the  person  with  whom  I  had  formerly 
lodged,  where  I  remained  two  days,  in  hopes  of 
getting  another  place,  by  the  interest  of  Mr.  Con- 
cordance, to  whom  I  made  no  doubt  of  being  able 
to  vindicate  my  character ;  but  in  this  supposition  I 
reckoned  without  my  host,  for  Lavement  took  care 
to  be  beforehand  with  me,  and  when  I  attempted  to 
explain  the  whole  affair  to  the  schoolmaster,  I  found 
him  so  prepossessed  against  me,  that  he  would  scarce 
hear  me  to  an  end;  but  when  I  had  finished  my 
justification,  shook  his  head,  and  beginning  with  his 
usual  exclamation,  "  O  Ch — st  5  "  said,  "  That  won't 
go  down  with  me.  I  am  very  sorry  I  should  have 
the  misfortune  of  being  concerned  in  the  affair,  but, 
however,  shall  be  more  cautious  for  the  future.  I 
will  trust  no  man  from  henceforward  —  no,  not  my 
father  who  begat  me  —  nor  the  brother  who  lay  with 
me  in  my  mother's  womb.  Should  Daniel  rise  from 
the  dead,  I  would  think  him  an  impostor,  and  were 
the  genius  of  Truth  to  appear,  would  question  its 
[217] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

veracity.""  I  told  him,  that  one  day  it  was  possible 
he  might  be  convinced  of  the  injury  I  had  suffered, 
and  repent  of  his  premature  determination.  To 
which  remark  he  answered,  the  proof  of  my  inno- 
cence would  make  his  bowels  to  vibrate  with  joy ; 
"  but  till  that  shall  happen,"  continued  he,  "  I  must 
beg  to  have  no  manner  of  connexion  with  you  — 
my  reputation  is  at  stake  —  O  my  good  God !  I  shall 
be  looked  upon  as  your  accomplice  and  abettor  — 
people  will  say  Jonathan  Wild  was  but  a  type  of 
me  —  boys  will  hoot  at  me  as  I  pass  along,  and  the 
cinder- wenches  belch  forth  reproaches  wafted  in  a  gale 
impregnated  with  gin  —  I  shall  be  notorious  —  the 
very  butt  of  slander  and  cloak  of  infamy.""  I  was  not 
in  a  humour  to  relish  the  climax  of  expressions  upon 
which  this  gentleman  valued  himself  in  all  his  dis- 
courses; but,  without  any  ceremony,  took  my  leave, 
cursed  with  every  sentiment  of  horror  which  my 
situation  could  suggest.  I  considered,  however, 
in  the  intervals  of  my  despondence,  that  I  must 
in  some  shape  suit  my  expense  to  my  calamitous 
circumstances;  and  with  that  view  hired  an  apart- 
ment in  a  garret  near  St.  Giles's,  at  the  rate  of 
ninepence  per  week.  In  this  place  I  resolved  to 
perform  my  own  cure,  having  first  pawned  three 
shirts  to  purchase  medicines  and  support  for  the 
occasion. 

One  day  when  I  sat  in  this  solitary  retreat,  musing 
[218] 


AN    UNFORESEEN    MEETING 

upon  the  unhappiness  of  my  fate,  I  was  alarmed  by  a 
groan  that  issued  from  a  chamber  contiguous  to 
mine,  into  which  I  immediately  ran,  and  found  a 
woman  stretched  on  a  miserable  truckle  bed,  without 
any  visible  signs  of  life.  Having  applied  a  smelling 
bottle  to  her  nose,  the  blood  began  to  revisit  her 
cheeks,  and  she  opened  her  eyes  ;  but,  good  heavens ! 
what  were  the  emotions  of  my  soul,  when  I  discovered 
her  to  be  the  same  individual  lady  who  had  triumphed 
over  my  heart,  and  to  whose  fate  I  had  almost  been  in- 
separably joined  !  Her  deplorable  situation  filled  my 
breast  with  compassion,  and  every  tender  idea  reviv- 
ing in  my  imagination,  I  flew  into  her  embrace.  She 
knew  me  immediately ;  and,  straining  me  gently  in 
her  arms,  shed  a  torrent  of  tears,  which  I  could  not 
help  increasing.  At  length,  casting  a  languishing 
look  at  me,  she  pronounced,  with  a  feeble  voice, 
"  Dear  Mr.  Random,  I  do  not  deserve  this  concern 
at  your  hands.  I  am  a  vile  creature  who  had  a  base 
design  upon  your  person ;  suffer  me  to  expiate  that 
and  all  my  other  crimes  by  a  miserable  death,  which 
will  not  fail  to  overtake  me  in  a  few  hours.1'  I  en- 
couraged her  as  much  as  I  could  ;  told  her  I  forgave 
all  her  intentions  with  regard  to  me ;  and  that,  al- 
though my  circumstances  were  extremely  low,  I  would 
share  my  last  farthing  with  her.  In  the  meantime, 
begged  to  know  the  immediate  cause  of  that  fit  from 
which  she  had  just  recovered,  and  said,  I  would  en- 
[219] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

deavour  by  my  skill  to  prevent  any  more  such  attacks. 
She  seemed  very  much  affected  with  this  expression, 
took  my  hand  and  pressed  it  to  her  lips,  saying, 
"  You  are  too  generous  !  —  I  wish  I  could  live  to 
express  my  gratitude  ;  but  alas !  I  perish  for  want." 
Then,  shutting  her  eyes,  she  relapsed  into  another 
swoon.  Such  extremity  of  distress  must  have  awaked 
the  most  obdurate  heart  to  sympathy  and  compassion. 
What  effect,  then,  must  it  have  had  on  mine,  that 
was  naturally  prone  to  every  tender  passion  ?  I  ran 
downstairs,  and  sent  my  landlady  to  a  chemist's  shop 
for  some  cinnamon  water ;  while  I,  returning  to  this 
unfortunate  creature's  chamber,  used  all  the  means  in 
my  power  to  bring  her  to  herself.  This  aim,  with 
much  difficulty,  I  accomplished,  and  made  her  drink 
a  glass  of  the  cordial  to  recruit  her  spirits ;  then  I 
prepared  a  little  mulled  red  wine  and  a  toast,  which 
having  taken,  she  found  herself  thoroughly  revived, 
and  informed  me,  that  she  had  not  tasted  food  for 
eight-and-forty  hours  before.  As  I  was  impatient  to 
know  the  occasion  and  nature  of  her  calamity,  she 
gave  me  to  understand,  that  she  was  a  woman  of  the 
town  by  profession  :  that,  in  the  course  of  her  adven- 
tures, she  found  herself  dangerously  infected  with  a 
distemper  to  which  all  her  class  are  particularly  sub- 
ject ;  that  her  malady  gaining  ground  every  day,  she 
became  loathsome  to  herself  and  offensive  to  others ; 
when  she  resolved  to  retire  to  some  obscure  corner, 
[220] 


AN    AGREEABLE    COMPANION 

where  she  might  be  cured  with  as  little  noise  and 
expense  as  possible ;  that  she  had  accordingly  chosen 
this  place  of  retreat,  and  put  herself  into  the  hands 
of  an  advertising  doctor,  who  having  fleeced  her  of 
all  the  money  she  had,  or  could  procure,  left  her 
three  days  ago  in  a  worse  condition  than  that  in 
which  he  found  her ;  that,  except  the  clothes  on 
her  back,  she  had  pawned  or  sold  everything  that 
belonged  to  her,  to  satisfy  that  rapacious  quack, 
and  quiet  the  clamour  of  her  landlady,  who  still 
persisted  in  her  threats  to  turn  her  out  into  the 
street. 

After  having  moralised  upon  these  particulars,  I 
proposed  that  she  should  lodge  in  the  same  room 
with  me,  an  expedient  that  would  save  some  money ; 
and  assured  her  I  would  undertake  her  cure  as  well 
as  my  own,  during  which  she  should  partake  of  all 
the  conveniences  that  I  could  afford  to  myself.  She 
embraced  my  offer  with  unfeigned  acknowledgment ; 
and  I  began  to  put  it  in  practice  immediately.  I 
found  in  her  not  only  an  agreeable  companion,  whose 
conversation  greatly  alleviated  my  chagrin,  but  also 
a  careful  nurse,  who  served  me  with  the  utmost  fidel- 
ity and  affection.  One  day,  while  I  testified  my  sur- 
prise that  a  woman  of  her  beauty,  good  sense,  and 
education  (for  she  had  a  large  portion  of  each),  could 
be  reduced  to  such  an  infamous  and  miserable  way  of 
life  as  that  of  a  prostitute,  —  she  answered,  with  a 
[221  ] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

sigh,  "  These  very  advantages  were  the  cause  of  my 
undoing.1'  This  remarkable  reply  inflamed  my  curir 
osity  to  such  a  degree,  that  I  begged  she  would 
favour  me  with  the  particulars  of  her  story,  and  she 
complied  in  these  words :  — 


END  OF  VOL.  I. 


COPYRIGHT  190,2  -BY 


RODERICK    IS    ASSAULTED    ON    TOWER    WHARF 


As  I  crossed  Tower  Wharf,  a  squat  tawny  fellow  came 
up  to  me 


VOL.  n. 


CONTENTS 


CHAPTER  TWENTY-TWO 


The  history  of  Miss  Williams 


CHAPTER   TWENTY-THREE 

She  is  interrupted  by  a  bailiff,  who  arrests  and  car- 
ries her  to  the  Marshalsea  —  I  accompany  her 
—  Bring  witnesses  to  prove  she  is  not  the  person 
named  in  the  writ  —  The  bailiff  is  fain  to  give 
her  a  present  and  discharge  her  —  We  shift  our 
lodging  —  She  resumes  her  story,  and  ends  it 
— -  My  reflections  thereupon  —  She  makes  me 
acquainted  with  the  progress  of  a  common 
woman  of  the  town  - —  Resolves  to  quit  that  way 
of  life  18 


CHAPTER   TWENTY-FOUR 

am  reduced  to  great  misery  —  Assaulted  on 
Tower  Hill  by  a  press-gang,  who  put  me  on 
board  a  tender  —  My  usage  there  —  My  arrival 
on  board  of  the  Thunder  man-of-war,  where  I 


CONTENTS 

PAGE 

am  put  in  irons,  and  afterwards  released  by  the 
good  offices  of  Mr.  Thomson,  who  recommends 
me  as  assistant  to  the  surgeon  —  He  relates  his 
own  story,  and  makes  me  acquainted  with  the 
characters  of  the  captain,  surgeon,  and  first 
mate 36 

CHAPTER   TWENTY-FIVE 

The  behaviour  of  Mr.  Morgan  —  His  pride,  dis- 
pleasure, and  generosity  —  The  economy  of  our 
mess  described  —  Thomson's  further  friend- 
ship —  The  nature  of  my  duty  explained  —  The 
situation  of  the  sick 48 

CHAPTER   TWENTY-SIX 

A  disagreeable  accident  happens  to  me  in  the  dis- 
charge of  my  office  —  Morgan's  nose  is  offended 
—  A  dialogue  between  him  and  the  ship's  stew- 
ard—  Upon  examination,  I  find  more  causes 
of  complaint  than  one  —  My  hair  is  cut  off — 
Morgan's  cookery  —  The  manner  of  sleeping  on 
board  —  I  am  waked  in  the  night  by  a  dreadful 
noise 55 

CHAPTER   TWENTY-SEVEN 

I  acquire  the  friendship  of  the  surgeon,  who  pro- 
cures a  warrant  for  me,  and  makes  me  a  present 
of  clothes  —  A  battle  between  a  midshipman 
and  me  —  The  surgeon  leaves  the  ship  —  The 
captain  comes  on  board  with  another  surgeon 
[vi] 


CONTENTS 

PAGE 

—  A  dialogue  between  the  captain  and  Morgan 

—  The  sick  are  ordered  to  be  brought  upon  the 
quarter-deck  and  examined  —  The  consequences 
of  that  order  —  A  madman  accuses  Morgan,  and 
is  set  at  liberty  by  command  of  the  captain, 
whom  he  instantly  attacks  and  pommels  with- 
out mercy 6l 

CHAPTER   TWENTY-EIGHT 

The  captain,  enraged,  threatens  to  put  the  mad- 
man to  death  with  his  own  hand  —  Is  diverted 
from  that  resolution  by  the  arguments  and  per- 
suasions of  the  first  lieutenant  and  surgeon  — 
We  set  sail  for  St.  Helen's,  join  the  fleet  under 

the  command  of  Sir  C n r  O le,  and 

proceed  for  the  West  Indies  — Are  overtaken  by 
a  terrible  tempest  —  My  friend,  Jack  Rattlin, 
has  his  leg  broke  by  a  fall  from  the  mainyard 

—  The  behaviour  of  Dr.  Mackshane  —  Jack  op- 
poses the  amputation  of  his  limb,  in  which  he 
is  seconded  by  Morgan  and  me,  who  undertake 
the  cure,  and  perform  it  successfully   ....     72 

CHAPTER   TWENTY-NINE 

Mackshane' s  malice  —  I  am  taken  up  and  impris- 
oned for  a  spy  —  Morgan  meets  with  the  same 
fate  —  Thomson  is  tampered  with  to  turn  evi- 
dence against  us  —  Disdains  the  proposal,  and 
is  maltreated  for  his  integrity  —  Morgan  is 
released  to  assist  the  surgeon  during  an  en- 
[vii] 


CONTENTS 

PAGE 

gagement  with  some  French  ships  of  war  —  I 
remain  fettered  on  the  poop,  exposed  to  the 
enemy's  shot,  and  grow  delirious  with  fear  — 
Am  comforted  after  the  battle  by  Morgan,  who 
speaks  freely  of  the  captain ;  is  overheard  by 
the  sentinel,  who  informs  against  him,  and 
again  imprisoned  —  Thomson  grows  desperate, 
and,  notwithstanding  the  remonstrances  of 
Morgan  and  me,  goes  overboard  in  the  night  80 


CHAPTER   THIRTY 

We  lament  the  fate  of  our  companion  —  The  cap- 
tain offers  Morgan  his  liberty,  which  he  refuses 
to  accept  —  We  are  brought  before  him,  and 
examined  —  Morgan  is  sent  back  into  custody, 
whither  also  I  am  remanded,  after  a  curious 
trial 88 


CHAPTER   THIRTY-ONE 

I  discover  a  subornation  against  me,  by  means  of  a 
quarrel  between  two  of  the  evidences ;  in  con- 
sequence of  which  I  am  set  at  liberty,  and  pre- 
vail upon  Morgan  to  accept  of  his  freedom  on 
the  same  terms  —  Mackshane's  malice  —  We 
arrive  at  Jamaica,  from  whence,  in  a  short  time, 
we  beat  up  to  Hispaniola,  in  conjunction  with 
the  West  India  squadron  —  We  take  in  water, 
sail  again,  and  arrive  at  Carthagena  —  Reflec- 
tions on  our  conduct  there 99 

[viii] 


CONTENTS 


CHAPTER   THIRTY-TWO 

FAGS 

Our  land  forces  being  disembarked,  erect  a  fascine 
battery  —  Our  ship  is  ordered,  with  four  more, 
to  batter  the  fort  of  Boca  Chica  —  Mackshane's 
cowardice  —  The  chaplain's  frenzy  —  Honest 
Rattlin  loses  one  hand  —  His  heroism,  and  re- 
flections on  the  battle  —  Crampley's  behaviour 
to  me  during  the  heat  of  the  fight  .  .  .  .  105 

CHAPTER   THIRTY-THREE 

A  breach  being  made  in  the  walls,  our  soldiers  give 
the  assault,  and  take  the  place  without  opposi- 
tion—  Our  sailors  at  the  same  time  become 
masters  of  all  the  other  strengths  near  Boca 
Chica,  and  take  possession  of  the  harbour  — 
The  good  consequence  of  the  success  —  We 
move  nearer  the  town  —  Find  two  forts  de- 
serted, and  the  channel  blocked  up  with  sunk 
vessels ;  which,  however,  we  find  means  to  clear 
—  Land  our  soldiers  at  La  Quinta  —  Repulse  a 
body  of  militia — Attack  the  castle  of  St.  Lazar, 
and  are  forced  to  retreat  with  great  loss  —  The 
remains  of  our  army  are  re-embarked  — -  An 
effort  of  the  admiral  to  take  the  town  —  The 
economy  of  our  expedition  described  .  .  .  112 

CHAPTER   THIRTY-FOUR 

An  epidemic  fever  rages  among  us  —  We  abandon 
our  conquests  —  I  am  seized  with  the  distem- 
per—  Write  a  petition  to  the  captain,  which 
[ix] 


CONTENTS 

PAGE 

is  rejected  —  I  am  in  danger  of  suffocation 
through  the  malice  of  Crampley,  and  relieved 
by  a  Serjeant  —  My  fever  increases  —  The 
chaplain  wants  to  confess  me  —  I  obtain  a 
favourable  crisis  —  Morgan's  affection  for  me 
proved  —  The  behaviour  of  Mackshane  and 
Crampley  towards  me  —  Captain  Oakum  is 
removed  into  another  ship,  with  his  beloved 
doctor  —  Our  new  captain  described  —  An 
adventure  of  Morgan 121 


CHAPTER    THIRTY-FIVE 


Captain  Whiffle  sends  for  me  —  His  situation  de- 
scribed —  His  surgeon  arrives,  prescribes  for 
him,  and  puts  him  to  bed  —  A  bed  is  put  up  for 
Mr.  Simper  contiguous  to  the  state-room,  which, 
with  other  parts  of  the  captain's  behaviour, 
gives  the  ship's  company  a  very  unfavourable 
idea  of  their  commander  —  I  am  detained  in 
the  West  Indies  by  the  admiral,  and  go  on 
board  of  the  Lizard  sloop  of  war  in  quality  of 
surgeon's  mate,  where  I  make  myself  known 
to  the  surgeon,  who  treats  me  very  kindly  — 
I  go  on  shore,  sell  my  ticket,  purchase  neces- 
saries^  and,  at  my  return  on  board,  am  surprised 
at  the  sight  of  Crampley,  who  is  appointed 
lieutenant  of  the  sloop  —  We  sail  on  a  cruise 
—  Take  a  prize,  in  which  I  arrive  at  Port 
Morant,  under  the  command  of  my  messmate, 
with  whom  I  live  in  great  harmony  ....  134 


CONTENTS 


CHAPTER   THIRTY-SIX 

PAGE 

A  strange  adventure  —  In  consequence  of  which 
I  am  extremely  happy  —  Crampley  does  me  ill 
offices  with  the  captain,  but  his  malice  is  de- 
feated by  the  good-nature  and  friendship  of 
the  surgeon  —  We  return  to  Port  Royal  —  Our 
captain  gets  the  command  of  a  larger  ship,  and 
is  succeeded  by  an  old  man  —  Brayl  is  provided 
for  —  We  receive  orders  to  sail  for  England  .  142 


CHAPTER   THIRTY-SEVEN 

We  depart  for  Europe  —  A  misunderstanding 
arises  between  the  captain  and  surgeon 
through  the  scandalous  aspersions  of  Cramp- 
ley  —  The  captain  dies  —  Crampley  tyrannises 
over  the  surgeon,  who  falls  a  victim  to  his 
cruelty  —  I  am  also  ill-used  —  The  ship  strikes 
—  The  behaviour  of  Crampley  and  the  seamen 
on  that  occasion  —  I  get  on  shore  —  Challenge 
the  captain  to  single  combat  —  Am  treacher- 
ously knocked  down,  wounded,  and  robbed  .  151 


CHAPTER   THIRTY-EIGHT 

I  get  up,  and  crawl  into  a  barn,  where  I  am  in 
danger  of  perishing  through  the  fear  of  the 
country  people  —  Their  inhumanity  —  I  am 
succoured  by  a  reputed  witch  —  Her  story  — 
Her  advice  —  She  recommends  me  as  a  valet 
to  a  single  lady,  whose  character  she  explains  158 
[xij 


CONTENTS 


CHAPTER   THIRTY-NINE 

PAOB 

My  reception  by  that  lady  —  I  become  enamoured 
of  Narcissa  —  Recount  the  particulars  of  my 
last  misfortune  —  Acquire  the  good  opinion  of 
my  mistress  —  An  account  of  the  young  squire 
—  I  am  made  acquainted  with  more  particu- 
lars of  Narcissa's  situation  —  Conceive  a  mortal 
hatred  against  Sir  Timothy  —  Examine  my 
lady's  library  and  performances  —  Her  ex- 
travagant behaviour 169 

CHAPTER   FORTY 

My  mistress  is  surprised  at  my  learning  —  Com- 
municates her  performances  to  me  - —  I  impart 
some  of  mine  to  her  —  Am  mortified  at  her 
faint  praise  —  Narcissa  approves  of  my  conduct 
—  I  gain  an  involuntary  conquest  over  the 
cook-maid  and  dairy-maid  —  Their  mutual  re- 
sentment and  insinuations  —  The  jealousy  of 
their  lovers 178 

CHAPTER  FORTY-ONE 

Narcissa,  being  in  danger  from  the  brutality  of 
Sir  Timothy,  is  rescued  by  me,  who  revenge 
myself  on  my  rival  —  I  declare  iny  passion, 
and  retreat  to  the  sea-side  —  Am  surrounded 
by  smugglers,  and  carried  to  Boulogne  —  Find 
my  uncle,  Lieutenant  Bowling,  in  great  dis- 
tress, and  relieve  him  —  Our  conversation  .  186 
[xii] 


CONTENTS 

CHAPTER   FORTY-TWO 

PAGE 

He  takes  his  passage  in  a  cutter  for  Deal  —  We 
are  accosted  by  a  priest,  who  proves  to  be  a 
Scotchman  —  His  profession  of  friendship  — 
He  is  affronted  by  the  lieutenant,  who  after- 
wards appeases  him  by  submission  —  My  uncle 
embarks  —  I  am  introduced  by  the  priest  to  a 
Capuchin,  in  whose  company  I  set  out  for  Paris 
—  The  character  of  my  fellow-traveller  —  An 
adventure  on  the  road  —  I  am  shocked  at  his 
behaviour 199 

CHAPTER   FORTY-THREE 

We  lodge  at  a  house  near  Amiens,  where  I  am 
robbed  by  the  Capuchin,  who  escapes  while  I 
am  asleep  • —  I  go  to  Noyons  in  search  of  him, 
but  without  success  —  Make  my  condition 
known  to  several  people,  but  find  no  relief — 
Grow  desperate  —  Join  a  company  of  soldiers 
—  Enlist  in  the  regiment  of  Picardy  —  We  are 
ordered  into  Germany  —  I  find  the  fatigues  of 
the  march  almost  intolerable  —  Quarrel  with 
my  comrade  in  a  dispute  about  politics  —  He 
challenges  me  to  the  field,  wounds,  and  dis- 
arms me 209 

CHAPTER   FORTY-FOUR 

In  order  to  be  revenged,  I  learn  the  science  of 
defence  —  We  join    the  Mareschal    Due   de 
Noailles  —  Are    engaged   with   the  allies   at 
[xiii] 


CONTENTS 

PAGE 

Dettingen,  and  put  to  flight  —  The  behaviour 
of  the  French  soldiers  on  that  occasion  —  I 
industriously  seek  another  combat  with  the 
old  Gascon,  and  vanquish  him  in  my  turn  — 
Our  regiment  is  put  into  winter  quarters  at 
Rheims,  where  I  find  my  friend  Strap — Our 
recognition  —  He  supplies  me  with  money, 
and  procures  my  discharge  —  We  take  a  trip 
to  Paris ;  from  whence,  by  the  way  of  Flan- 
ders, we  set  out  for  London,  where  we  safely 
arrive 218 

CHAPTER   FORTY-FIVE 

I  inquire  for  my  uncle,  and  understand  he  is  gone 
to  sea  —  Take  lodgings  at  Charing  Cross  —  Go 
to  the  play,  where  I  meet  with  an  adventure 

—  Dine  at  an  ordinary ;  the  guests  described 

—  Become     acquainted     with     Medlar     and 
Doctor  Wagtail 234 

CHAPTER   FORTY-SIX 

Wagtail  introduces  me  to  a  set  of  fine  gentlemen, 
with  whom  I  spend  the  evening  at  a  tavern  — 
Our  conversation  —  The  characters  of  my  new 
companions  —  The  doctor  is  roasted  —  The 
issue  of  our  debauch  .  .  254 


[xiv] 


THE  ADVENTURES  of 
RODERICK    RANDOM 

CHAPTER   TWENTY-TWO 

THE    HISTORY    OF    MISS    WILLIAMS 

MY  father  was  an  eminent  merchant  in 
the  city,  who,  having  in  the  course 
of  trade  suffered  very  considerable 
losses,  retired  in  his  old  age,  witli  his 
wife,  to  a  small  estate  in  the  country,  which  he  had 
purchased  with  the  remains  of  his  fortune.  At  that 
time  I,  being  but  eight  years  of  age,  was  left  in  town 
for  the  convenience  of  education,  boarded  with  an 
aunt,  who  was  a  rigid  Presbyterian,  and  who  con- 
fined me  so  closely  to  what  she  called  the  duties  of 
religion,  that,  in  time,  I  grew  weary  of  her  doc- 
trines, and  by  degrees  conceived  an  aversion  for  the 
good  books  she  daily  recommended  to  my  perusal. 
As  I  increased  in  age,  and  appeared  with  a  person 
not  disagreeable,  I  contracted  a  good  deal  of  acquaint- 
ance among  my  own  sex,  one  of  whom,  after  having 
lamented  the  restraint  I  was  under  from  the  narrow- 
ness of  my  aunt's  sentiments,  told  me,  I  must  now 
throw  off  the  prejudices  of  opinion  imbibed  under  her 
influence  and  example,  and  learn  to  think  for  my- 

VOL.  II.  —  1  [   1    J 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

self;  for  which  purpose  she  advised  me  to  read 
Shaftesbury,  Tindal,  Hobbes,  and  all  the  books  that 
are  remarkable  for  their  deviation  from  the  old  way 
of  thinking,  and,  by  comparing  one  with  another,  I 
should  soon  be  able  to  form  a  system  of  my  own.  I 
followed  her  advice;  and,  whether  it  was  owing  to 
my  prepossession  against  what  I  had  formerly  read, 
or  the  clearness  of  argument  in  these  my  new  in- 
structors, I  know  not,  but  I  studied  them  with 
pleasure,  and  in  a  short  time  became  a  professed 
Freethinker.  Proud  of  my  new  improvement,  I 
argued  in  all  companies,  and  that  with  such  success, 
that  I  soon  acquired  the  reputation  of  a  philosopher, 
and  few  people  durst  undertake  me  in  a  dispute.  I 
grew  vain  upon  my  good  fortune,  and  at  length 
pretended  to  make  my  aunt  a  proselyte  to  my 
opinion ;  but  she  no  sooner  perceived  my  drift,  than, 
taking  the  alarm,  she  wrote  to  my  father  an  account 
of  my  heresy,  and  conjured  him,  as  he  tendered  the 
good  of  my  soul,  to  remove  me  immediately  from 
the  dangerous  place  where  I  had  contracted  such  sin- 
ful principles.  Accordingly  my  father  ordered  me 
into  the  country,  where  I  arrived  in  the  fifteenth 
year  of  my  age ;  and,  by  his  command,  gave  him 
a  detail  of  all  the  articles  of  my  faith,  which  he  did 
not  find  so  unreasonable  as  they  had  been  repre- 
sented. Finding  myself  suddenly  deprived  of  the 
company  and  pleasures  of  the  town,  I  grew  melan- 
choly, and  it  was  some  time  before  I  could  relish  my 
situation.  But  solitude  became  every  day  more  and 
more  familiar  to  me ;  and  I  consoled  myself  in  my 
retreat  with  the  enjoyment  of  a  good  library,  at 
[2] 


HISTORY    OF    MISS    WILLIAMS 

such  times  as  I  was  not  employed  in  the  manage- 
ment of  the  family  (for  my  mother  had  been  dead 
three  years),  in  visiting,  or  some  other  party  of  rural 
diversion.  Having  more  imagination  than  judg- 
ment, I  addicted  myself  too  much  to  poetry  and 
romance ;  and,  in  short,  was  looked  upon  as  a  very 
extraordinary  person  by  everybody  in  the  country 
where  I  resided. 

I  had  one  evening  strayed,  with  a  book  in  my 
hand,  into  a  wood  that  bordered  on  the  high  road, 
at  a  little  distance  from  my  father's  house,  when  a 
certain  drunken  squire  riding  by  perceived  me,  and 
crying,  "  Zounds  !  there  ""s  a  charming  creature  !  " 
alighted  in  a  moment,  caught  me  in  his  arms,  and 
treated  me  so  rudely,  that  I  shrieked  as  loud  as  I 
could  ;  and,  in  the  meantime,  opposed  his  violence 
with  all  the  strength  that  rage  and  resentment  could 
inspire.  During  this  struggle,  another  horseman  came 
up,  who,  seeing  a  lady  so  unworthily  used,  dismounted, 
and  flew  to  my  assistance.  My  ravisher,  mad  with 
disappointment,  or  provoked  with  the  reproaches  of 
the  other  gentleman,  quitted  me,  and,  running  to  his 
horse,  drew  a  pistol  from  the  saddle,  and  fired  at  my 
protector,  who  happily  receiving  no  damage,  went  up, 
and,  with  the  butt-end  of  his  whip,  laid  him  prostrate 
on  the  ground,  before  he  could  use  the  other,  which 
his  antagonist  immediately  seized,  and  clapping  to 
the  squire's  breast,  threatened  to  put  him  to  death 
for  his  cowardice  and  treachery.  In  this  dilemma  I 
interposed  and  begged  his  life,  which  was  granted  to 
my  request,  after  he  had  asked  pardon,  and  swore  his 
intention  was  only  to  obtain  a  kiss.  However,  my 
[3] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

defender  thought  proper  to  unload  the  other  pistol, 
and  throw  away  the  flints,  before  he  gave  him  his 
liberty.  This  courteous  stranger  conducted  me  home, 
where  my  father,  having  learned  the  signal  service  he 
had  done  me,  loaded  him  with  caresses,  and  insisted 
on  his  lodging  that  night  at  our  house.  If  the  obli- 
gation he  had  conferred  upon  me  justly  inspired  me 
with  sentiments  of  gratitude,  his  appearance  and  con- 
versation seemed  to  entitle  him  to  somewhat  more. 
He  was  about  the  age  of  two-and-twenty,  among  the 
tallest  of  the  middle  size  ;  had  chestnut-coloured  hair, 
which  he  wore  tied  up  in  a  ribbon  ;  a  high  polished 
forehead,  a  nose  inclining  to  the  aquiline,  lively  blue 
eyes,  red  pouting  lips,  teeth  as  white  as  snow,  and  a 
certain  openness  of  countenance  —  but  what  need  I 
describe  any  more  particulars  of  his  person  ?  I  hope 
you  will  do  me  the  justice  to  believe  I  do  not  flatter, 
when  I  say  he  was  the  exact  resemblance  of  you ; 
and,  if  I  had  not  been  well  acquainted  with  his  family 
and  pedigree,  I  should  have  made  no  scruple  of  con- 
cluding that  you  was  his  brother.  He  spoke  little, 
and  seemed  to  have  no  reserve  ;  for  what  he  said  was 
ingenuous,  sensible,  and  uncommon.  In  short  (said 
she,  bursting  into  tears),  he  was  formed  for  the  ruin  of 
our  sex.  His  behaviour  was  modest  and  respectable ; 
but  his  looks  were  so  significant,  that  I  could  easily 
observe  he  secretly  blessed  the  occasion  that  intro- 
duced him  to  my  acquaintance.  We  learned  from 
his  discourse  that  he  was  the  eldest  son  of  a  wealthy 
gentleman  in  the  neighbourhood,  to  whose  name  we 
were  no  strangers ;  that  he  had  been  to  visit  an 
acquaintance  in  the  country,  from  whose  house  he 


HISTORY    OF    MISS    WILLIAMS 

>vas  returning  home  when  my  shrieks  brought  him  to 
my  rescue.  All  night  long  my  imagination  formed 
a  thousand  ridiculous  expectations.  There  was  so 
much  of  knight-errantry  in  this  gentleman's  coming 
to  the  relief  of  a  damsel  in  distress,  with  whom  he 
immediately  became  enamoured,  that  all  I  had  read 
of  love  and  chivalry  recurred  to  my  fancy,  and  I 
looked  upon  myself  as  a  princess  in  some  region 
of  romance,  who,  being  delivered  from  the  power 
of  a  brutal  giant  or  satyr  by  a  generous  Oroon- 
dates,  was  bound  in  gratitude,  as  well  as  led  by 
inclination,  to  yield  my  affections  to  him  without 
reserve.  In  vain  did  I  endeavour  to  chastise  these 
foolish  conceits,  by  reflections  more  reasonable  and 
severe.  The  amusing  images  took  full  possession 
of  my  mind,  and  my  dreams  represented  my  hero 
sighing  at  my  feet  in  the  language  of  a  despairing 
lover. 

Next  morning  after  breakfast  he  took  his  leave, 
when  my  father  begged  the  favour  of  further  ac- 
quaintance with  him  ;  to  which  request  he  replied 
by  a  compliment  to  him,  and  a  look  to  me  so  full  of 
eloquence  and  tenderness,  that  my  whole  soul  received 
the  soft  impression.  In  a  short  time  he  repeated  his 
visit ;  and,  as  a  recital  of  the  particular  steps  he  pur- 
sued to  ruin  me  would  be  too  tedious  and  imperti- 
nent, let  it  suffice  to  say,  he  made  it  his  business  to 
insinuate  himself  into  my  esteem,  by  convincing  me 
of  his  own  good  sense,  and  at  the  same  time  flatter- 
ing my  understanding.  This  task  he  performed  in 
the  most  artful  manner,  by  seeming  to  contradict  me 
often  through  misapprehension,  that  I  might  have 
[5] 


RODERICK  RANDOM 

an  opportunity  of  clearing  myself  the  more  to  my 
own  honour.  Having  thus  secured  my  good  opinion, 
he  began  to  give  me  some  tokens  of  a  particular 
passion,  founded  on  a  veneration  for  the  qualities 
of  my  mind,  and,  as  an  accidental  ornament,  ad- 
mired the  beauties  of  my  person  ;  till  at  length, 
being  fully  persuaded  of  his  conquest,  he  chose  a 
proper  season  for  the  theme,  and  disclosed  his  love 
in  terms  so  ardent  and  sincere,  that  it  was  impossible 
for  me  to  disguise  the  sentiments  of  my  heart,  and  he 
received  my  approbation  with  the  most  lively  trans- 
port. After  this  mutual  declaration  we  contrived  to 
meet  more  frequently,  in  private  interviews,  where 
we  enjoyed  the  conversation  of  one  another,  in  all 
the  elevation  of  fancy  and  impatience  of  hope,  that 
reciprocal  adoration  can  inspire.  He  professed  his 
honourable  intentions,  of  which  I  made  no  question, 
lamented  the  avaricious  disposition  of  his  father,  who 
had  destined  him  for  the  arms  of  another,  and  vowed 
eternal  fidelity  with  such  an  appearance  of  candour 
and  devotion,  that  I  became  a  dupe  to  his  deceit,  and, 
in  an  evil  hour,  crowned  his  eager  desire  with  full 
possession.  —  Cursed  be  the  day  on  which  I  gave 
away  my  innocence  and  peace  for  a  momentary 
gratification,  which  has  entailed  upon  me  such  misery 
and  horror !  cursed  be  my  beauty,  that  first  attracted 
the  attention  of  my  seducer !  cursed  be  my  education, 
that,  by  refining  my  sentiments,  made  my  heart  the 
more  susceptible !  cursed  be  my  good  sense,  that  fixed 
me  to  one  object,  and  taught  me  the  preference  I 
enjoyed  was  but  my  due !  Had  I  been  ugly,  nobody 
would  have  tempted  me ;  had  I  been  ignorant,  the 

[6] 


HISTORY    OF    MISS    WILLIAMS 

charms  of  my  person  would  not  have  atoned  for  the 
coarseness  of  my  conversation ;  had  I  been  giddy,  my 
vanity  would  have  divided  my  inclinations,  and  my 
ideas  would  have  been  so  diffused,  that  I  should 
never  have  listened  to  the  enchantments  of  one 
alone. 

But,  to  return  to  my  unfortunate  story ;  we  gave 
a  loose  to  guilty  pleasure,  which,  for  some  months, 
banished  every  other  concern.  At  last,  by  degrees, 
his  visits  became  less  frequent,  and  his  behaviour  less 
warm.  I  perceived  his  coldness  —  my  heart  took  the 
alarm  —  my  tears  reproached  him  —  and  I  insisted 
upon  the  performance  of  his  promise  to  espouse  me, 
that,  whatever  should  happen,  my  reputation  might 
be  safe.  He  seemed  to  acquiesce  in  my  proposal,  and 
left  me  on  pretence  of  finding  a  proper  clergyman  to 
unite  us  in  the  bands  of  wedlock.  But,  alas  !  the 
inconstant  had  no  intention  to  return.  I  waited  a 
whole  week  with  the  utmost  impatience ;  sometimes 
doubting  his  honour,  at  other  times  inventing  excuses 
for  him,  and  condemning  myself  for  harbouring  the 
least  suspicion  of  his  faith.  At  length  I  under- 
stood from  a  gentleman  who  dined  at  our  house  that 
this  perfidious  wretch  was  on  the  point  of  setting 
out  for  London  with  his  bride,  to  buy  clothes  for 
their  approaching  nuptials.  This  information  dis- 
tracted me!  the  more  so,  as  I  found  myself  some 
months  gone  with  child,  and  reflected  that  it  would 
be  impossible  to  conceal  my  disgrace,  which  would 
not  only  ruin  the  character  I  had  acquired  in  the 
country,  but  also  bring  the  grey  hairs  of  an  indul- 
gent parent  with  sorrow  to  the  grave.  Rage  took 

m 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

possession  of  my  soul ;  I  denounced  a  thousand  im- 
precations, and  formed  as  many  schemes  of  revenge 
against  the  traitor  who  had  undone  me  !  Then  my 
resentment  would  subside  into  silent  sorrow.  I 
recalled  the  tranquillity  I  had  lost,  I  wept  over  my 
infatuation,  and  sometimes  a  ray  of  hope  would 
intervene,  and  for  a  moment  cheer  my  drooping 
heart;  I  would  revolve  all  the  favourable  circum- 
stances of  his  character,  repeat  the  vows  he  made, 
ascribe  his  absence  to  the  vigilance  of  a  suspicious 
father,  who  compelled  him  to  a  match  his  soul 
abhorred,  and  comfort  myself  with  the  expectation 
of  seeing  him  before  the  thing  should  be  brought  to 
any  terms  of  agreement.  But  how  vain  was  my 
imagination  !  The  villain  left  me  without  remorse ; 
and  in  a  few  days  the  news  of  his  marriage  was 
spread  all  over  the  country.  My  horror  was  then 
inconceivable ;  and  had  not  the  desire  of  revenge 
diverted  the  resolution,  I  should  infallibly  have  put 
an  end  to  my  miserable  life.  My  father  observed  the 
symptoms  of  my  despair ;  and,  though  I  have  good 
reason  to  believe  he  guessed  the  cause,  was  at  a  great 
deal  of  pains  to  seem  ignorant  of  my  affliction,  while 
he  endeavoured,  with  paternal  fondness,  to  alleviate 
my  distress.  I  saw  his  concern,  which  increased  my 
anguish,  and  raised  my  fury  against  the  author  of 
my  calamity  to  an  implacable  degree.  Having  fur- 
nished myself  with  a  little  money,  I  made  an  elope- 
ment from  this  unhappy  parent  in  the  night-time, 
and  about  break  of  day  arrived  at  a  small  town, 
from  whence  a  stage-coach  set  out  for  London,  in 
which  I  embarked,  and  next  day  alighted  in  town  ; 
[8] 


HISTORY    OF    MISS    WILLIAMS 

the  spirit  of  revenge  having  supported  me  all  the 
way  against  every  other  reflection.  My  first  care 
was  to  hire  a  lodging,  in  which  I  kept  myself  very 
retired,  having  assumed  a  feigned  name,  that  my 
character  and  situation  might  be  the  better  con- 
cealed. It  was  not  long  before  1  found  out  the  house 
of  my  ravisher,  whither  I  immediately  repaired  in  a 
transport  of  rage,  determined  to  act  some  desperate 
deed  for  the  satisfaction  of  my  despair,  though  the 
hurry  of  my  spirits  would  not  permit  me  to  concert 
or  resolve  upon  a  particular  plan.  When  I  demanded 
admission  to  Lothario  (so  let  me  call  him),  I  was 
desired  to  send  up  my  name  and  business ;  but  this 
I  refused,  telling  the  porter  I  had  business  for  his 
master's  private  ear.  Upon  which  I  was  conducted 
into  a  parlour  until  he  should  be  informed  of  my 
request.  There  I  remained  about  a  quarter  of  an 
hour,  when  a  servant  entered,  and  told  me  his  mas- 
ter was  engaged  with  company,  and  begged  to  be 
excused  at  that  time.  My  temper  could  hold  out  no 
longer;  I  pulled  a  poignard  from  my  bosom  where 
I  had  concealed  it,  and,  rushing  out,  flew  upstairs 
like  a  fury,  exclaiming,  "  Where  is  this  perfidious 
villain  ?  could  I  once  plunge  this  dagger  into  his 
false  heart,  I  should  then  die  satisfied.1"  The  noise 
I  made  alarmed  not  only  the  servants,  but  the  com- 
pany also,  who,  hearing  my  threats,  came  forward  to 
the  staircase  to  see  what  was  the  matter.  I  was 
seized,  disarmed,  and  withheld  by  two  footmen ;  and, 
in  this  situation,  felt  the  most  exquisite  torture  in 
beholding  my  undoer  approach  with  his  young  wife. 
I  could  not  endure  the  sight,  was  deprived  of  my 
[9] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

senses,  and  fell  into  a  severe  fit,  during  which  I  know 
not  how  I  was  treated ;  but  when  I  recovered  the 
use  of  reflection,  found  myself  on  a  bed  in  a  paltry 
apartment,  where  I  was  attended  by  an  old  woman, 
who  asked  a  thousand  impertinent  questions  relat- 
ing to  my  condition ;  and  informed  me  that  my  be- 
haviour had  thrown  the  whole  family  into  confusion  ; 
that  Lothario  affirmed  I  was  mad,  and  proposed  to 
have  me  sent  to  Bedlam ;  but  my  lady  persuaded 
herself  there  was  more  in  my  conduct  than  he  cared 
should  be  known,  and  had  taken  to  her  bed  on  bare 
suspicion,  having  first  ordered  that  I  should  be 
narrowly  looked  to.  I  heard  all  she  said  without 
making  any  other  reply  than  desiring  she  would  do 
me  the  favour  to  call  a  chair ;  but  this,  she  told  me, 
could  not  be  done  without  her  master's  consent,  which, 
however,  was  easily  procured,  and  I  was  conveyed  to 
my  own  lodgings  in  a  state  of  mind  that  baffles  all  de- 
scription. The  agitation  of  my  thoughts  produced  a 
fever,  which  brought  on  a  miscarriage ;  and  I  believe  it 
is  well  for  my  conscience  that  Heaven  thus  disposed 
of  my  burden  ;  for,  let  me  own  to  you  with  penitence 
and  horror,  if  I  had  brought  a  living  child  into  the 
world,  my  frenzy  would  have  prompted  me  to  sacri- 
fice the  little  innocent  to  my  resentment  of  the 
father's  infidelity. 

After  this  event  my  rage  abated,  and  my  hate 
became  more  deliberate  and  calm  ;  when,  one  day, 
my  landlady  informed  me  that  there  was  a  gentleman 
below  who  desired  to  see  me,  he  having  something  of 
consequence  to  impart,  which  he  was  sure  would  con- 
tribute to  my  peace  of  mind.  I  was  exceedingly 
[10] 


HISTORY    OF    MISS    WILLIAMS 

alarmed  at  this  declaration,  which  I  attempted  to 
interpret  a  thousand  ways ;  and  before  I  came  to  any 
determination  he  entered  my  room,  with  an  apology 
for  intruding  upon  me  against  my  knowledge  or  con- 
sent. I  surveyed  him  some  time,  and  not  being  able 
to  recollect  his  face,  demanded,  with  a  faltering  accent, 
what  his  business  was  with  me?  Upon  which  he 
desired  I  would  give  him  a  particular  audience,  and 
he  did  not  doubt  of  communicating  something  that 
would  conduce  to  my  satisfaction  and  repose.  As  I 
thought  myself  sufficiently  guarded  against  any  vio- 
lence, I  granted  his  request,  and  bid  the  woman 
withdraw.  The  stranger,  then  advancing,  gave  me 
to  understand  that  he  \vas  well  acquainted  with  the 
particulars  of  my  story,  having  been  informed  of  them 
from  Lothario's  own  mouth  ;  that,  from  the  time  he 
knew  my  misfortunes,  he  had  entertained  a  detesta- 
tion for  the  author  of  them  ;  which  had  of  late  been 
increased  and  inflamed  to  a  desire  of  revenge,  by  a 
piece  of  dishonourable  conduct  towards  him  ;  that 
hearing  of  my  melancholy  situation,  he  had  come 
with  an  intention  of  offering  his  assistance  and  com- 
fort, and  was  ready  to  espouse  my  quarrel,  and  forth- 
with take  vengeance  on  my  seducer,  provided  I  would 
grant  him  one  consideration,  which,  he  hoped,  I  should 
see  no  reason  to  refuse.  Had  all  the  artifice  of  hell 
been  employed  in  composing  a  persuasive,  it  could  not 
have  had  a  more  instantaneous  or  favourable  effect 
than  this  discourse  had  upon  me.  I  was  transported 
with  a  delirium  of  gloomy  joy ;  I  hugged  my  com- 
panion in  my  arms,  and  vowed,  that  if  he  \vould  make 
good  his  promise,  my  soul  and  body  should  be  at  his 
[11] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

disposal.  The  contract  was  made ;  he  devoted  him- 
self to  my  revenge,  undertook  to  murder  Lothario 
that  very  night,  and  to  bring  me  an  account  of  his 
death  before  morning.  Accordingly,  about  two  of 
the  clock,  he  was  introduced  into  my  chamber,  and 
assured  me  my  perfidious  lover  was  no  more ;  that, 
although  he  was  not  entitled  to  such  an  honourable 
proceeding,  he  had  fairly  challenged  him  to  the  field, 
where  he  upbraided  him  with  his  treachery  towards 
me,  for  whom,  he  told  me,  his  sword  was  drawn,  and 
after  a  few  passes  left  him  weltering  in  his  blood.  I 
was  so  savaged  by  my  wrongs  that  I  delighted  in  the 
recital  of  this  adventure,  made  him  repeat  the  par- 
ticulars, feasted  my  eyes  with  the  blood  that  remained 
on  his  clothes  and  sword,  and  yielded  up  my  body  as 
a  recompense  for  the  service  he  had  done  me.  My 
imagination  was  so  engrossed  with  these  ideas,  that 
in  my  sleep  I  dreamed  Lothario  appeared  before  me, 
pale,  mangled,  and  bloody,  blamed  my  rashness,  pro- 
tested his  innocence,  and  pleaded  his  own  cause  so 
pathetically,  that  I  was  convinced  of  his  fidelity,  and 
waked  in  a  fit  of  horror  and  remorse.  My  bed- 
fellow endeavoured  to  soothe,  console,  and  persuade 
me  that  I  had  but  barely  done  justice  to  myself.  I 
dropped  asleep  again,  and  the  same  apparition 
returned  to  my  fancy.  In  short,  I  passed  the  night 
in  great  misery,  and  looked  upon  my  avenger  with 
such  abhorrence,  that  in  the  morning,  perceiving 
my  aversion,  he  insinuated  there  was  still  a  possibility 
of  Lothario^s  recovery ;  it  was  true  he  left  him 
wounded  on  the  ground,  but  not  quite  dead  ;  and 
perhaps  his  hurts  might  not  be  mortal.  At  these 
[12] 


HISTORY    OF    MISS    WILLIAMS 

words  I  started  up,  bade  him  fly  for  intelligence,  and 
if  he  could  not  bring  me  tidings  of  Lothario's  safety, 
at  least  consult  his  own,  and  never  return,  for  I  was 
resolved  to  surrender  myself  to  justice,  and  declare 
all  that  I  knew  of  the  affair,  that,  if  possible,  I  might 
expiate  my  own  guilt,  by  incurring  the  rigours  of  a 
sincere  repentance  and  ignominious  death.  He  very 
coolly  represented  the  unreasonableness  of  my  preju- 
dice against  him,  who  had  done  nothing  but  what 
his  love  of  me  inspired,  and  honour  justified ;  that 
now  he  had,  at  the  risk  of  his  life,  been  subservient  to 
my  revenge,  I  was  about  to  discard  him  as  an  infamous 
agent  occasionally  necessary  ;  and  that,  even  if  he 
should  be  so  lucky  as  to  bring  news  of  Lothario's 
safety,  it  was  probable  my  former  resentment  might 
revive,  and  I  would  upbraid  him  of  having  failed  in 
his  undertaking.  I  assured  him  that,  on  the  contrary, 
he  should  be  dearer  to  me  than  ever,  as  I  then  should 
be  convinced  he  acted  more  on  the  principles  of  a 
man  of  honour  than  on  those  of  a  mercenary  assassin, 
and  scorned  to  take  away  the  life  of  an  adversary,  how 
inveterate  soever,  which  fortune  had  put  in  his  power. 
"  Well,  then,  madam,"  said  he,  "  whatever  may  have 
happened,  I  shall  find  it  no  difficult  matter  to  acquit 
myself  in  point  of  honour."  And  took  his  leave,  in 
order  to  inquire  into  the  consequences  of  his  duel.  I 
was  now  more  sensible  than  ever  of  the  degrees  of 
guilt  and  misery  ;  all  the  affliction  I  had  suffered 
hitherto  was  owing  to  my  own  credulity  and  weak- 
ness, and  my  conscience  could  not  accuse  me  of  venial 
crimes  ;  but  now  that  I  looked  upon  myself  as  a 
murderer,  it  is  impossible  to  express  the  terrors  of  my 
[13] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

imagination,  which  was  incessantly  haunted  by  the 
image  of  the  deceased,  and  my  bosom  stung  with  the 
most  exquisite  agonies,  of  which  I  saw  no  end.  At 
length  Horatio  (for  so  I  shall  call  my  keeper)  returned, 
and,  telling  me  I  had  nothing  to  fear,  delivered  into 
my  hands  a  billet  containing  these  words : 

"  MADAM,  —  As  I  understand  it  is  of  consequence  to 
your  peace,  I  take  this  liberty  to  inform  you,  that  the 
wounds  received  from  Horatio  are  not  mortal.  This 
satisfaction  my  humanity  could  not  deny,  even  to  a  per- 
son who  has  endeavoured  to  disturb  the  repose,  as  well 
as  destroy  the  life  of  LOTHARIO." 

Being  well  acquainted  with  this  hand,  I  had  no 
reason  to  suspect  an  imposition  in  this  letter,  which  I 
read  over  in  a  transport  of  joy,  and  caressed  Horatio 
so  much  that  he  appeared  the  happiest  man  alive. 
Thus  was  I  won  from  despair  by  the  menaces  of  a 
greater  misfortune  than  that  which  depressed  me. 
Griefs  are  like  usurpers,  the  most  powerful  deposes  all 
the  rest.  But  my  raptures  were  not  lasting  ;  that 
very  letter  which,  in  a  manner,  re-established  my 
tranquillity,  in  a  little  time  banished  my  peace.  His 
unjust  reproaches,  while  they  waked  my  resentment, 
recalled  my  former  happiness,  and  filled  my  soul  with 
rage  and  sorrow.  Horatio,  perceiving  the  situation 
of  my  mind,  endeavoured  to  divert  my  chagrin,  by 
treating  me  with  all  the  amusements  and  entertain- 
ments of  the  town.  I  was  gratified  with  every  indul- 
gence I  could  desire,  introduced  into  the  company  of 
other  kept  mistresses,  by  whom  uncommon  deference 
[14] 


HISTORY    OF    MISS    WILLIAMS 

was  paid  to  me  ;  and  I  began  to  lose  all  remembrance 
of  my  former  condition,  when  an  accident  brought  it 
back  to  my  view,  with  all  its  interesting  circumstances. 
Diverting  myself  one  day  with  some  newspapers,  which 
I  had  not  before  perused,  the  following  advertisement 
attracted  my  attention : 

"  Whereas,  a  young  gentlewoman  disappeared  from 

her  father's  house,  in  the  county  of ,  about  the 

end  of  September,  on  account,  as  is  supposed,  of  some 
uneasiness  of  mind,  and  has  not  been  as  yet  heard  of: 
Whoever  will  give  any  information  about  her  to  Mr. 

,  of  Gray's  Inn,  shall  be  handsomely  rewarded ; 

or  if  she  will  return  to  the  arms  of  her  disconsolate 
parent,  she  will  be  received  with  the  utmost  tender- 
ness, whatever  reason  she  may  have  to  think  other- 
wise, and  may  be  the  means  of  prolonging  the  life  of 
a  father,  already  weighed  down  almost  to  the  grave 
with  age  and  sorrow." 

This  pathetic  remonstrance  had  such  an  effect  on 
me,  that  I  was  fully  resolved  to  return,  like  the  prod- 
igal son,  and  implore  the  forgiveness  of  him  who  gave 
me  life ;  but,  alas  !  upon  inquiry,  I  found  he  had  paid 
his  debt  to  nature  a  month  before,  lamenting  my 
absence  to  his  last  hour,  having  left  his  fortune  to  a 
stranger,  as  a  mark  of  his  resentment  of  my  unkind 
and  undutiful  behaviour.  Penetrated  with  remorse 
on  this  occasion,  I  sunk  into  the  most  profound  mel- 
ancholy, and  considered  myself  as  the  immediate  cause 
of  his  death.  I  lost  all  relish  for  company,  and  indeed 
most  of  my  acquaintance  no  sooner  perceived  my 
change  of  temper  than  they  abandoned  me.  Hora- 
tio, disgusted  at  my  insensibility,  or,  which  is  more 
[15] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

probable,  cloyed  with  possession,  became  colder  and 
colder  every  day, till  at  last  he  left  me  altogether,  with- 
out making  any  apology  for  his  conduct,  or  securing 
me  against  the  miseries  of  want,  as  a  man  of  honour 
ought  to  have  done,  considering  the  share  he  had  in 
my  ruin ;  for  I  afterwards  learned  that  the  quarrel 
between  Lothario  and  him  was  a  story  trumped  up  to 
rid  the  one  of  my  importunities,  and  give  the  other 
the  enjoyment  of  my  person,  which,  it  seems,  he  lusted 
after,  upon  seeing  me  at  the  house  of  my  seducer. 
Reduced  to  this  extremity,  I  cursed  my  simplicity ; 
uttered  horrid  imprecations  against  the  treachery  of 
Horatio  ;  and,  as  I  became  every  day  more  familiar- 
ised to  the  loss  of  innocence,  resolved  to  be  revenged 
on  the  sex  in  general,  by  practising  their  own  arts 
upon  themselves.  Nor  was  an  opportunity  long 
wanting;  an  old  gentlewoman,  under  pretence  of 
sympathising,  visited  me,  and,  after  having  condoled 
me  on  my  misfortunes,  and  professed  a  disinterested 
friendship,  began  to  display  the  art  of  her  occupation 
in  encomiums  on  my  beauty,  and  invectives  against 
the  wretch  who  had  forsaken  me  ;  insinuating  withal, 
that  it  would  be  my  own  fault  if  I  did  not  still  make 
my  fortune  by  the  extraordinary  qualifications  with 
which  nature  had  endowed  me.  I  soon  understood 
her  drift,  and  gave  her  such  encouragement  to  ex- 
plain herself,  that  we  came  to  an  agreement  immedi- 
ately to  divide  the  profits  of  my  prostitution  accruing 
from  such  gallants  as  she  should  introduce  to  my 
acquaintance.  The  first  stroke  of  my  dissimulation  was 
practised  upon  a  certain  judge,  to  whom  I  was  recom- 
mended by  this  matron  as  an  innocent  creature  just 
[16] 


HISTORY    OF    MISS    WILLIAMS 

arrived  from  the  country.  He  was  so  transported 
with  my  appearance  and  feigned  simplicity,  that  he 
paid  a  hundred  guineas  for  the  possession  of  me  for 
one  night  only,  during  which  1  behaved  in  such  a 
manner  as  to  make  him  perfectly  well  pleased  with 
his  purchase. 


VOL.  ii.—  2 


[  17 


CHAPTER    TWENTY-THREE 

SHE    IS    INTERRUPTED    BY    A    BAILIFF,    WHO    ARRESTS    AND 

CARRIES  HER  TO  THE  MARSHALSEA I    ACCOMPANY 

HER BRING  WITNESSES   TO   PROVE  SHE  IS  NOT  THE 

PERSON  NAMED  IN  THE  WRIT THE  BAILIFF  IS  FAIN 

TO  GIVE  HER  A  PRESENT,  AND  DISCHARGE  HER WE 

SHIFT    OUR     LODGING SHE     RESUMES     HER     STORY, 

AND  ENDS  IT MY  REFLECTIONS  THEREUPON SHE 

MAKES    ME    ACQUAINTED    WITH    THE  PROGRESS   OF    A 

COMMON  WOMAN  OF  THE  TOWN RESOLVES  TO  QUIT 

THAT  WAY  OF  LIFE. 


H 


ER  story  was  here  interrupted  by  a  rap 
at  the  door,  which  I  no  sooner  opened, 
than  three  or  four  torrible  fellows 
rushed  in,  one  of  whom  accosted  my 
fellow-lodger  thus :  "  Madam,  your  servant,  you 
must  do  me  the  favour  to  come  along  with  me  —  I 
have  got  a  writ  against  you."  While  the  bailiff,  for 
so  he  was,  spoke  thus,  his  followers  surrounded  the 
prisoner,  and  began  to  handle  her  very  roughly. 
This  treatment  incensed  me  so  much,  that  I  snatched 
up  the  poker,  and  would  certainly  have  used  it  in 
defence  of  the  lady,  without  any  regard  to  the  strength 
and  number  of  her  adversaries,  had  she  not  begged 
me,  with  a  composure  of  countenance  for  which  I 
could  not  account,  to  use  no  violence  in  her  behalf, 
[18] 


MISTAKEN    IDENTITY 

which  could  be  of  no  service  to  her,  but  might  be 
very  detrimental  to  myself.  Then,  turning  to  the 
leader  of  this  formidable  troop,  she  desired  to  see 
the  writ,  and  having  perused  it,  said,  with  a  faltering 
voice,  "  I  am  not  the  person  whose  name  is  here  men- 
tioned ;  arrest  me  at  your  peril."  "  Ay,  ay,  madam," 
replied  the  catchpole,  "  we  shall  prove  your  identity. 
In  the  meantime,  whether  will  you  be  pleased  to  be 
carried  to  my  house,  or  to  jail  ?  "  "  If  I  must  be 
confined,"  said  she,  "I  would  rather  be  in  your 
house  than  in  a  common  jail."  "  Well,  well,"  an- 
swered he,  "if  you  have  money  enough  in  your 
pocket,  you  shall  be  entertained  like  a  princess." 
But  when  she  acquainted  him  with  her  poverty,  he 
swore  he  never  gave  credit,  and  ordered  one  of  his 
myrmidons  to  call  a  coach,  to  carry  her  to  the  Mar- 
shalsea  at  once.  While  they  waited  for  the  conven- 
ience, she  took  me  aside,  and  bade  me  be  under  no 
concern  on  her  account,  for  she  knew  how  to  extricate 
herself  from  this  difficulty  very  soon,  and,  perhaps, 
gain  something  by  the  occasion.  Although  her  dis- 
course was  a  mystery  to  me,  I  was  very  well  pleased 
with  her  assurance,  and  when  the  coach  came  to  the 
door,  offered  to  accompany  her  to  prison ;  to  which 
proposal,  after  much  entreaty,  she  consented.  When 
we  arrived  at  the  gate  of  the  Marshalsea,  our  con- 
ductor alighted,  and  having  demanded  entrance, 
presented  the  writ  to  the  turnkey,  who  no  sooner  per- 
ceived the  name  of  Elizabeth  Gary,  than  he  cried, 
"  Ah,  hah !  my  old  acquaintance,  Bett !  —  I  am  glad 
to  see  thee  with  all  my  heart."  So  saying,  he  opened 
the  coach  door,  and  helped  her  to  dismount;  but 
[19] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

when  he  observed  her  face,  he  started  back,  saying, 
"  Zounds  !  who  have  we  got  here  ? "  The  bailiff, 
alarmed  at  this  interrogation,  cried,  with  some  emo- 
tion, "  Who  the  devil  should  it  be,  but  the  prisoner, 
Elizabeth  Gary?"  The  turnkey  replied,  "That 
Elizabeth  Caryl— I'll  be  d— d  if  that's  Elizabeth 
Gary,  more  than  my  grandmother.  D — n  my  blood, 
I  know  Bett  Gary  as  well  as  if  I  had  made  her." 
Here  the  lady  thought  fit  to  interpose,  and  tell  the 
catchpole,  if  he  had  taken  her  word  for  it  at  first,  he 
might  have  saved  himself  and  her  a  great  deal  of 
trouble.  "  It  may  be  so,"  answered  he,  "  but,  by 
G — d,  I  '11  have  further  evidence  that  you  are  not 
the  person  before  you  and  I  part."  "  Yes,  yes,"  said 
she,  "you  shall  have  further  evidence  to  your  cost." 
Then  we  adjourned  into  the  lodge,  and  called  for  a 
bottle  of  wine,  where  my  companion  wrote  a  direction 
to  two  of  her  acquaintance,  and  begged  the  favour  of 
me  to  go  to  their  lodgings,  and  request  them  to 
come  to  her  immediately.  I  found  them  together  at  a 
house  in  Bridges  Street,  Drury  Lane ;  and  as  they 
were  luckily  unengaged,  they  set  out  with  me  in  a 
hackney-coach,  without  hesitation,  after  I  had  related 
the  circumstances  of  the  affair,  which  flattered  them 
with  the  hopes  of  seeing  a  bailiff  trounced ;  for  there 
is  an  antipathy  as  natural  between  the  whores  and 
bailiffs,  as  that  subsisting  between  mice  and  cats. 
Accordingly,  when  they  entered  the  lodge,  they  em- 
braced the  prisoner  very  affectionately  by  the  name 
of  Nancy  Williams,  and  asked  how  long  she  had  been 
nabbed,  and  for  what  ?  On  hearing  the  particulars 
of  her  adventure  repeated,  they  offered  to  swear  be- 
[20]  ' 


MISTAKEN    IDENTITY 

fore  a  justice  of  peace,  that  she  was  not  the  person 
mentioned  in  the  writ,  whom,  it  seems,  they  all  knew ; 
but  the  bailiff,  who  was  by  this  time  convinced  of  his 
mistake,  told  them  that  he  would  not  put  them  to 
that  trouble.  "  Ladies,""  said  he,  "  there 's  no  harm 
done ;  you  shall  give  me  leave  to  treat  you  with 
another  bottle,  and  then  we  11  part  friends.1"  This 
proposal  was  not  at  all  relished  by  the  sisterhood  ;  and 
Miss  Williams  told  him,  sure  he  did  not  imagine  her 
such  a  fool,  as  to  be  satisfied  with  a  paltry  glass  of 
sour  wine.  Here  the  turnkey  interrupted  her,  by 
affirming  with  an  oath,  that  the  wine  was  as  good  as 
ever  was  tipped  over  tongue.  "  Well,"  continued  she, 
"  that  may  be,  but  was  it  the  best  of  champagne,  it 
is  no  recompense  for  the  damage  I  have  suffered  both 
in  character  and  health,  by  being  wrongfully  dragged 
to  jail.  At  this  rate,  no  innocent  person  is  safe,  since 
an  officer  of  justice,  out  of  malice,  private  pique,  or 
mistake,  may  injure  and  oppress  the  subject  with  im- 
punity. But,  thank  Heaven,  I  live  under  the  pro- 
tection of  laws  that  will  not  suffer  such  insults  to  pass 
unpunished,  and  I  know  very  well  how  to  procure 
redress."  Mr.  Vulture  (for  that  was  the  bailiffs 
name),  finding  he  had  to  deal  with  one  who  would 
not  be  imposed  upon,  began  to  look  very  sullen  and 
perplexed,  and  leaning  his  forehead  on  his  hand,  en- 
tered into  a  deliberation  with  himself,  which  lasted  a 
few  minutes,  and  then  broke  out  in  a  volley  of  dread- 
ful curses  against  the  old  b — ch,  our  landlady,  as  he 
called  her,  for  having  misinformed  him.  After  much 
wrangling  and  swearing,  the  matter  was  referred  to 
the  decision  of  the  turnkey,  who,  calling  for  the  other 
[21] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

bottle,  mulcted  the  bailiff  in  all  the  liquor  that  had 
been  drank,  coach-hire,  and  a  couple  of  guineas,  for 
the  use  of  the  plaintiff.  The  money  was  immediately 
deposited  ;  Miss  Williams  gratified  the  two  evidences 
with  one  half,  and,  putting  the  other  in  her  pocket, 
drove  home  with  me,  leaving  the  catchpole  grumbling 
over  his  loss,  yet  pleased  in  the  main,  for  having  so 
cheaply  got  clear  of  a  business  that  might  have  cost 
him  ten  times  the  sum,  and  his  place  to  boot.  This 
guinea  was  a  very  seasonable  relief  to  us,  who  were 
reduced  to  great  necessity,  six  of  my  shirts,  and 
almost  all  my  clothes,  except  those  on  my  back,  having 
been  either  pawned  or  sold  for  our  maintenance  before 
this  happened.  As  we  resented  the  behaviour  of  our 
landlady,  our  first  care  was  to  provide  ourselves  with 
another  lodging,  whither  we  removed  the  next  day, 
with  an  intention  to  keep  ourselves  as  retired  as  pos- 
sible, until  our  cure  should  be  completed.  When  we 
were  fixed  in  our  new  habitation,  I  entreated  her  to 
finish  the  story  of  her  life,  which  she  pursued  in  this 
manner : 

The  success  of  our  experiment  on  the  judge  en- 
couraged us  to  practise  the  same  deceit  on  others,  and 
my  virginity  was  five  times  sold  to  good  purpose. 
But  this  harvest  lasted  not  long,  my  character  taking 
air,  and  my  directress  deserting  me  for  some  new 
game.  Then  I  took  lodgings  near  Charing  Cross,  at 
two  guineas  per  week,  and  began  to  entertain  com- 
pany in  a  public  manner;  but  my  income  being  too 
small  to  defray  my  expense,  I  was  obliged  to  retrench, 
and  enter  into  articles  with  the  porters  of  certain 


HISTORY    OF    MISS    WILLIAMS 

taverns,  who  undertook  to  find  employment  enough 
for  me,  provided  I  would  share  my  profits  with  them. 
Accordingly,  I  was  almost  every  night  engaged  with 
company,  among  whom  I  was  exposed  to  every  mor- 
tification, danger,  and  abuse,  that  flow  from  drunk- 
enness, brutality,  and  disease.  How  miserable  is  the 
condition  of  a  courtezan,  whose  business  it  is  to 
soothe,  suffer,  and  obey  the  dictates  of  rage,  insolence, 
and  lust !  As  my  spirit  was  not  sufficiently  humbled 
to  the  will,  nor  my  temper  calculated  for  the  con- 
versation of  my  gallants,  it  was  impossible  for  me  to 
overcome  an  aversion  I  felt  for  my  profession,  which 
manifested  itself  in  a  settled  gloom  on  my  counte- 
nance, and  disgusted  those  sons  of  mirth  and  riot  so 
much,  that  I  was  frequently  used  in  a  shocking  man- 
ner, and  kicked  downstairs  with  disgrace.  The  mes- 
sengers seeing  me  disagreeable  to  their  benefactors 
and  employers,  seldom  troubled  me  with  a  call,  and 
I  began  to  find  myself  almost  totally  neglected.  To 
contribute  towards  my  support,  I  was  fain  to  sell  my 
watch,  rings,  trinkets,  with  the  best  part  of  my 
clothes ;  and  I  was  one  evening  musing  by  myself  on 
the  misery  before  me,  when  I  received  a  message 
from  a  bagnio,  whither  I  repaired  in  a  chair,  and  was 
introduced  to  a  gentleman  dressed  like  an  officer, 
with  whom  I  supped  in  a  sumptuous  manner,  and, 
after  drinking  a  hearty  glass  of  champagne,  went  to 
bed.  In  the  morning,  when  I  awoke,  I  found  my 
gallant  had  got  up,  and,  drawing  aside  the  curtain, 
could  not  perceive  him  in  the  room.  This  circum- 
stance gave  me  some  uneasiness  ;  but  as  he  might 
have  retired  on  some  necessary  occasion,  I  waited  a 
[28]  * 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

full  hour  for  his  return,  and  then  in  the  greatest  per- 
plexity rose  up,  and  rang  the  bell.  When  the  waiter 
came  to  the  door  he  found  it  locked,  and  desired 
admittance,  which  I  granted,  after  observing,  with 
great  surprise,  that  the  key  remained  on  the  inside, 
as  when  we  went  to  bed.  I  no  sooner  inquired  for 
the  captain,  than  the  fellow,  staring  with  a  distracted 
look,  cried,  "  How,  madam  !  is  he  not  a-bed  ? "  And 
when  he  was  satisfied  as  to  that  particular,  ran  into 
a  closet  adjoining  to  the  chamber,  the  window  of 
which  he  found  open.  Through  this  the  adventurer 
had  got  upon  a  wall,  from  whence  he  dropped  down 
into  a  court,  and  escaped,  leaving  me  to  be  answer- 
able, not  only  for  the  reckoning,  but  also  for  a  large 
silver  tankard  and  posset  bowl,  which  he  had  carried 
off  with  him.  It  is  impossible  to  describe  the  con- 
sternation I  was  under,  when  I  saw  myself  detained 
as  a  thief s  accomplice;  for  I  was  looked  upon  in 
that  light,  and  carried  before  a  justice,  who,  mistak- 
ing my  confusion  for  a  sign  of  guilt,  committed  me, 
after  a  short  examination,  to  Bridewell,  having 
advised  me,  as  the  only  means  to  save  my  life,  to 
turn  evidence,  and  impeach  my  confederate.  I  now 
concluded  the  vengeance  of  Heaven  had  overtaken 
me,  and  that  I  must  soon  finish  my  career  by  an 
ignominious  death.  This  reflection  sunk  so  deep 
into  my  soul,  that  I  was  for  some  days  deprived  of 
my  reason,  and  actually  believed  myself  in  hell,  tor- 
mented by  fiends :  indeed,  there  needs  not  a  very 
extravagant  imagination  to  form  that  idea ;  for,  of 
all  the  scenes  on  earth,  that  of  Bridewell  approaches 
nearest  the  notion  I  had  always  entertained  of  the 
[24]  ' 


HISTORY    OF    MISS    WILLIAMS 

infernal  regions.  Here  I  saw  nothing  but  rage, 
anguish,  and  impiety ;  and  heard  nothing  but  groans, 
curses,  and  blasphemy.  In  the  midst  of  this  hell- 
ish crew,  I  was  subjected  to  the  tyranny  of  a  barba- 
rian, who  imposed  upon  me  tasks  that  I  could  not 
possibly  perform,  and  then  punished  my  incapacity 
with  the  utmost  rigour  and  inhumanity.  I  was  often 
whipped  into  a  swoon,  and  lashed  out  of  it,  during 
which  miserable  intervals  I  was  robbed  by  my  fellow- 
prisoners  of  everything  about  me,  even  to  my  cap, 
shoes,  and  stockings  :  I  was  not  only  destitute  of 
necessaries,  but  even  of  food ;  so  that  my  wretched- 
ness was  extreme.  Not  one  of  my  acquaintance,  to 
whom  I  imparted  my  situation,  would  grant  me  the 
least  succour  or  regard,  on  pretence  of  my  being  com- 
mitted for  theft;  and  my  landlord  refused  to  part 
with  some  of  my  own  clothes,  which  I  sent  for, 
because  I  was  indebted  to  him  for  a  week's  lodging. 
Overwhelmed  with  calamity,  I  grew  desperate,  and 
resolved  to  put  an  end  to  my  grievances  and  life 
together :  for  this  purpose  I  got  up  in  the  middle  of 
the  night,  when  I  thought  everybody  around  me 
asleep  ;  and  fixing  one  end  of  my  handkerchief  to  a 
large  hook  in  the  ceiling,  that  supported  the  scales  on 
which  the  hemp  is  weighed,  I  stood  upon  a  chair, 
and  making  a  noose  on  the  other  end,  put  my  neck 
into  it,  with  an  intention  to  hang  myself;  but  before 
I  could  adjust  the  knot,  I  was  surprised  and  pre- 
vented by  two  women  who  had  been  awake  all  the 
while,  and  suspected  my  design.  In  the  morning 
my  attempt  was  published  among  the  prisoners,  and 
punished  with  thirty  stripes  ;  the  pain  of  which 
[25] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

co-operating  with  my  disappointment  and  disgrace, 
bereft  me  of  my  senses,  and  threw  me  into  an  ecstasy 
of  madness,  during  which  I  tore  the  flesh  from  my 
bones  with  my  teeth,  and  dashed  my  head  against 
the  pavement ;  so  that  they  were  obliged  to  set  a 
watch  over  me,  to  restrain  me  from  doing  further 
mischief  to  myself  and  others.  This  fit  of  frenzy 
continued  three  days,  at  the  end  of  which  I  grew 
calm  and  sullen ;  but,  as  the  desire  of  making  away 
with  myself  still  remained,  I  came  to  a  determination 
of  starving  myself  to  death,  and  with  that  view 
refused  all  sustenance.  Whether  it  was  owing  to 
the  want  of  opposition,  or  to  the  weakness  of  nature, 
I  know  not,  but  on  the  second  day  of  my  fast,  I 
found  my  resolution  considerably  impaired,  and  the 
calls  of  hunger  almost  insupportable.  At  this  criti- 
cal conjuncture,  a  lady  was  brought  into  the  prison, 
with  whom  I  had  contracted  an  acquaintance  while 
I  lived  with  Horatio :  she  was  then  on  the  same 
footing  as  I  was,  but  afterwards  quarrelling  with  her 
gallant,  and  not  finding  another  to  her  mind,  altered 
her  scheme  of  life,  and  set  up  her  coffee-house  among 
the  hundreds  of  Drury,  where  she  entertained  gentle- 
men with  claret,  arrack,  and  the  choice  of  half  a 
dozen  of  damsels,  who  lived  in  her  house.  This 
serviceable  matron  having  neglected  to  gratify  a 
certain  justice  for  the  connivance  she  enjoyed,  was 
indicted  at  the  quarter  sessions,  in  consequence  of 
which  her  bevy  was  dispersed,  and  herself  committed 
to  Bridewell.  She  had  not  been  long  there,  before 
she  learned  my  disaster,  and  coming  up  to  me,  after 
a  compliment  of  condolence,  inquired  into  the  par- 
[26] 


HISTORY    OF    MISS    WILLIAMS 

ticulars  of  my  fate.  While  were  engaged  in  dis- 
course together,  the  master  came  and  told  me,  that 
the  fellow  on  whose  account  I  had  suffered  was 
taken  ;  that  he  had  confessed  the  theft,  and  cleared 
me  of  any  concern  in  the  affair ;  for  which  reason, 
he,  the  master,  had  orders  to  discharge  me  ;  and 
that  I  was  from  that  moment  free.  This  piece  of 
news  soon  banished  all  thoughts  of  death,  and  had 
such  an  instantaneous  effect  on  my  countenance,  that 
Mrs.  Coupler  (the  lady  then  present),  hoping  to  find 
her  account  in  me,  very  generously  offered  to  furnish 
me  with  what  necessaries  I  wanted,  and  take  me  into 
her  own  house,  as  soon  as  she  should  compromise 
matters  with  the  justices.  The  conditions  of  her 
offer  were,  that  I  should  pay  three  guineas  weekly 
for  my  board,  and  a  reasonable  consideration  besides 
for  the  use  of  such  clothes  and  ornaments  as  she 
should  supply  me  with,  to  be  deducted  from  the  first 
profits  of  my  embraces.  These  were  hard  terms ; 
but  not  to  be  rejected  by  one  who  was  turned  out 
helpless  and  naked  into  the  wide  world,  without  a 
friend  to  pity  or  assist  her.  I  therefore  embraced 
her  proposal ;  and  she  being  bailed  in  a  few  hours, 
took  me  home  with  her  in  a  coach.  As  I  was  by 
this  time  conscious  of  having  formerly  disgusted  my 
admirers  by  my  reserved  and  haughty  behaviour,  I 
now  endeavoured  to  conquer  that  disposition  ;  and 
the  sudden  change  of  my  fortune  giving  me  a  flow 
of  spirits,  I  appeared  in  the  most  winning  and  gay 
manner  I  could  assume.  Having  the  advantage  of  a 
good  voice  and  education,  I  exerted  my  talents  to 
the  uttermost,  and  soon  became  the  favourite  with 
[27] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

all  company.  This  success  alarmed  the  pride  and 
jealousy  of  Mrs.  Coupler,  who  could  not  bear  the 
thoughts  of  being  eclipsed  :  she  therefore  made  a 
merit  of  her  envy,  and  whispered  among  the  cus- 
tomers that  I  was  unsound.  There  needed  no  more 
to  ruin  my  reputation,  and  blast  my  prosperity  ; 
everybody  shunned  me  with  marks  of  aversion  and 
disdain ;  and,  in  a  very  short  time,  I  was  as  solitary 
as  ever.  Want  of  gallants  was  attended  with  want 
of  money  to  satisfy  my  malicious  landlady,  who,  hav- 
ing purposely  given  me  credit  to  the  amount  of  eleven 
pounds,  took  out  a  writ  against  me,  and  I  was 
arrested  in  her  own  house.  Though  the  room  was 
crowded  with  people,  when  the  bailiff  entered,  not 
one  of  them  had  compassion  enough  to  mollify  my 
prosecutrix,  far  less  to  pay  the  debt.  They  even 
laughed  at  my  tears ;  and  one  of  them  bade  me  be 
of  good  cheer,  for  I  should  not  want  admirers  in  New- 
gate. At  that  instant,  a  sea  lieutenant  came  in,  and 
seeing  my  plight,  began  to  inquire  into  the  circum- 
stances of  my  misfortune ;  when  this  wit  advised  him 
to  keep  clear  of  me,  for  I  was  a  fire -ship.  "  A  fire- 
ship  '  replied  the  sailor,  "more  like  a  poor  galley 
in  distress,  that  has  been  boarded  by  such  a  fire-ship 
as  you ;  if  so  be  as  that  is  the  case,  she  stands  in 
more  need  of  assistance.  Hark  'ee,  my  girl,  how  far 
have  ye  over-run  the  constable  ?  "  I  told  him,  that 
the  debt  amounted  to  eleven  pounds,  besides  the 
expense  of  the  writ  —  "  An1  that  be  all,"  said  he, 
"  you  shan't  go  to  the  bilboes  this  bout."  And 
taking  out  his  purse,  paid  the  money,  discharged 
the  bailiff,  and  telling  me  I  had  got  into  the  wrong 
[28] 


HISTORY    OF    MISS    WILLIAMS 

port,  advised  me  to  seek  out  a  more  convenient  har- 
bour, where  I  could  be  safely  hove  down,  for  which 
purpose  he  made  me  a  present  of  five  guineas  more. 
I  was  so  touched  with  this  singular  piece  of  generos- 
ity, that,  for  some  time,  I  had  not  power  to  thank 
him.  However,  as  soon  as  I  had  recollected  myself, 
I  begged  the  favour  of  him  to  go  with  me  to  the 
next  tavern,  where  I  explained  the  nature  of  my 
disaster,  and  convinced  him  of  the  falsehood  of  what 
was  reported  to  my  prejudice  so  effectually,  that  he 
from  that  moment  attached  himself  to  me ;  and  we 
lived  in  great  harmony  together,  until  he  was  obliged 
to  go  to  sea,  where  he  perished  in  a  storm. 

Having  lost  my  benefactor,  and  almost  consumed 
the  remains  of  his  bounty,  I  saw  myself  in  danger  of 
relapsing  into  my  former  necessity,  and  began  to  be 
very  uneasy  at  the  prospect  of  bailiffs  and  jails; 
when  one  of  the  sisterhood,  a  little  stale,  advised  me 
to  take  lodgings  in  a  part  of  the  town  where  I  was 
unknown,  and  pass  for  an  heiress,  by  which  artifice  I 
might  entrap  somebody  to  be  my  husband,  who 
would  possibly  be  able  to  allow  me  a  handsome  main- 
tenance, or  at  worst  screen  me  from  the  dread  and 
danger  of  a  prison,  by  becoming  liable  for  whatever 
debts  I  should  contract.  I  approved  of  this  scheme, 
towards  the  execution  of  which  my  companion 
clubbed  her  wardrobe,  and  undertook  to  live  with 
me  in  quality  of  my  maid ;  with  the  proviso,  that 
she  should  be  reimbursed,  and  handsomely  con- 
sidered out  of  the  profits  of  my  success.  She  was 
immediately  detached  to  look  out  for  a  convenient 
place,  and  that  very  day  hired  a  genteel  apartment 
[29] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

in  Park  Street,  whither  I  moved  in  a  coach  loaded 
with  her  baggage  and  my  own.  I  made  my  first 
appearance  in  a  blue  riding-habit  trimmed  with  sil- 
ver; and  my  maid  acted  her  part  so  artfully,  that, 
in  a  day  or  two,  my  fame  was  spread  all  over  the 
neighbourhood,  and  I  was  said  to  be  a  rich  heiress 
just  arrived  from  the  country.  This  report  brought 
a  swarm  of  gay  young  fellows  about  me  ;  but  I  soon 
found  them  out  to  be  all  indigent  adventurers  like 
myself,  who  crowded  to  me  like  crows  to  a  carrion, 
with  a  view  of  preying  upon  my  fortune.  I  main- 
tained, however,  the  appearance  of  wealth  as  long  as 
possible,  in  hopes  of  gaining  some  admirer  more  for 
my  purpose ;  and  at  length  attracted  the  regard  of 
one  who  would  have  satisfied  my  wishes ;  and  man- 
aged matters  so  well,  that  a  day  was  actually  fixed 
for  our  nuptials.  In  the  interim,  he  begged  leave  to 
introduce  an  intimate  friend  to  me ;  which  request  I 
could  not  refuse.  I  had  the  extreme  mortification 
and  surprise  to  see  next  night,  in  that  friend,  my  old 
keeper,  Horatio ;  who  no  sooner  beheld  me,  than  he 
changed  colour;  but  had  presence  of  mind  to  ad- 
vance, and  salute  me,  bidding  me,  with  a  low  voice, 
be  under  no  apprehension,  for  he  would  not  expose 
me.  In  spite  of  this  assurance,  I  could  not  recover 
myself  so  far  as  to  entertain  them,  but  withdrew  to 
my  chamber,  on  pretence  of  a  severe  headache,  to  the 
no  small  concern  of  my  adorer,  who  took  his  leave  in 
the  tenderest  manner,  and  went  off  with  his  friend. 

Having  imparted  my  situation  to  my  companion, 
she  found  it  high  time  for  us  to  decamp,  and  that 
without  any  noise,  because  we  were  not  only  indebted 
[30] 


HISTORY    OF    MISS    WILLIAMS 

to  our  landlady,  but  also  to  several  tradesmen  in  the 
neighbourhood.  Our  retreat,  therefore,  was  concerted 
and  executed  in  this  manner ;  —  having  packed  up  all 
our  clothes  and  movables  in  small  parcels,  she,  on 
pretence  of  fetching  cordials  for  me,  carried  them,  at 
several  times,  to  the  house  of  an  acquaintance,  where 
she  likewise  procured  a  lodging,  to  which  we  retired 
in  the  middle  of  the  night,  when  every  other  body  in 
the  house  was  asleep.  I  was  now  obliged  to  aim  at 
lower  game,  and  accordingly  spread  my  nets  among 
tradespeople ;  but  found  them  all  too  phlegmatic  or 
cautious  for  my  art  and  attractions;  till  at  last  I 
became  acquainted  with  you,  on  whom  I  practised  all 
my  dexterity ;  not  that  I  believed  you  had  any  for- 
tune,  or  expectation  of  one,  but  that  I  might  trans- 
fer the  burden  of  such  debts  as  I  had  incurred,  or 
should  contract,  from  myself  to  another ;  and  at  the 
same  time  avenge  myself  of  your  sex,  by  rendering 
miserable  one  who  bore  such  a  resemblance  to  the 
wretch  who  ruined  me;  but  Heaven  preserved  you 
from  my  snares,  by  the  discovery  you  made,  which 
was  owing  to  the  negligence  of  my  maid  in  leaving 
the  chamber  door  unlocked,  when  she  went  to  buy 
sugar  for  breakfast.  The  person  in  bed  with  me  was 
a  gentleman,  whom  I  had  allured  the  night  before, 
as  he  walked  homeward,  pretty  much  elevated  with 
liquor;  for  by  this  time  my  condition  was  so  low, 
that  I  was  forced  to  turn  out  in  the  twilight  in  the 
streets,  in  hopes  of  prey.  When  I  found  myself 
detected  and  forsaken  by  you,  I  was  fain  to  move  my 
lodging,  and  dwell  two  pair  of  stairs  higher  than 
before.  My  companion,  being  disappointed  in  her 
[31] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

expectations,  left  me,  to  trade  upon  her  own  bottom, 
and  I  had  no  o.  ~°r  resource  than  to  venture  forth 
like  the  owls  in  the  dark,  to  pick  up  a  precarious 
and  uncomfortable  subsistence.  I  have  often  saun- 
tered between  Ludgate  Hill  and  Charing  Cross  a 
whole  winter  night,  exposed  not  only  to  the  inclem- 
ency of  the  weather,  but  likewise  to  the  rage  of 
hunger  and  thirst,  without  being  so  happy  as  to 
meet  with  one  cully ;  then  creep  up  to  my  garret  in 
a  deplorable  draggled  condition,  sneak  to  bed,  and 
try  to  bury  my  appetite  and  sorrows  in  sleep.  When 
I  lighted  on  some  rake  or  tradesman  reeling  home 
drunk,  I  frequently  suffered  the  most  brutal  treat- 
ment, in  spite  of  which  I  was  obliged  to  affect  gaiety 
and  good  humour,  though  my  soul  was  stung  with 
resentment  and  disdain,  and  my  heart  loaded  with 
grief  and  affliction.  In  the  course  of  these  nocturnal 
adventures,  I  was  infected  with  the  disease,  that,  in 
a  short  time,  rendered  me  the  object  of  my  own 
abhorrence,  and  drove  me  to  the  retreat,  where  your 
benevolence  rescued  me  from  the  jaws  of  death. 

So  much  candour  and  good  sense  appeared  in  this 
lady's  narration,  that  I  made  no  scruple  of  believing 
every  syllable  of  what  she  said ;  and  expressed  my 
astonishment  at  the  variety  of  miseries  she  had  under- 
gone in  so  little  time;  for  all  her  misfortunes  had 
happened  within  the  compass  of  two  years.  I  com- 
pared her  situation  with  my  own,  and  found  it  a 
thousand  times  more  wretched.  I  had  endured  hard- 
ships, ?t  is  true ;  my  whole  life  had  been  a  series  of 
such ;  and  when  I  looked  forward,  the  prospect  was 
[32] 


A    COURTEZAN'S    MISERIES 

not  much  bettered ;  but  then  they  were  become 
habitual  to  me,  and  consequently  I  could  bear 
them  with  less  difficulty.  If  one  scheme  of  life 
should  not  succeed,  I  could  have  recourse  to  another, 
and  so  to  a  third,  veering  about  to  a  thousand  dif- 
ferent shifts,  according  to  the  emergencies  of  my  fate, 
without  forfeiting  the  dignity  of  my  character  beyond 
a  power  of  retrieving  it,  or  subjecting  myself  wholly 
to'  the  caprice  and  barbarity  of  the  world.  On  the 
other  hand,  she  had  known  and  relished  the  sweets 
of  prosperity ;  she  had  been  brought  up  under  the 
wings  of  an  indulgent  parent,  in  all  the  delicacies  to 
which  her  sex  and  rank  entitled  her ;  and,  without 
any  extravagance  of  hope,  entertained  herself  with 
the  view  of  uninterrupted  happiness  through  the 
whole  scene  of  life.  How  fatal  then,  how  torment- 
ing, how  intolerable  must  her  reverse  of  fortune  be ! 
a  reverse  that  not  only  robs  her  of  these  external 
comforts,  and  plunges  her  into  all  the  miseries  of 
want,  but  also  murders  her  peace  of  mind,  and  en- 
tails upon  her  the  curse  of  eternal  infamy !  Of  all 
professions,  I  pronounce  that  of  a  courtezan  the 
most  deplorable,  and  her  of  all  courtezans  the  most 
unhappy.  She  allowed  my  observation  to  be  just  in 
the  main,  but  at  the  same  time  affirmed,  that,  not- 
withstanding the  disgraces  which  had  fallen  to  her 
share,  she  had  not  been  so  unlucky  in  the  condition  of 
a  prostitute,  as  many  others  of  the  same  community. 
"  I  have  often  seen,""  said  she, "  while  I  strolled  about 
the  streets  at  midnight,  a  number  of  naked  wretches 
reduced  to  rags  and  filth,  huddled  together  like 
swine,  in  the  corner  of  a  dark  alley ;  some  of  whom, 

VOL.  II.—  3  [33] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

but  eighteen  months  before,  I  had  known  the  favour- 
ites of  the  town,  rolling  in  affluence,  and  glittering 
in  all  the  pomp  of  equipage  and  dress.  And  indeed 
the  gradation  is  easily  conceived.  The  most  fashion- 
able woman  of  the  town  is  as  liable  to  contagion 
as  one  in  a  much  humbler  sphere;  she  infects  her 
admirers,  her  situation  is  public;  she  is  avoided, 
neglected,  unable  to  support  her  usual  appearance, 
which  however  she  strives  to  maintain  as  long  as 
possible;  her  credit  fails;  she  is  obliged  to  re- 
trench, and  become  a  night-walker;  her  malady 
gains  ground;  she  tampers  with  her  constitution, 
and  ruins  it ;  her  complexion  fades ;  she  grows  nau- 
seous to  everybody;  finds  herself  reduced  to  a 
starving  condition ;  is  tempted  to  pick  pockets ; 
is  detected;  committed  to  Newgate,  where  she 
remains  in  a  miserable  condition  till  she  is  dis- 
charged, because  the  plaintiff  will  not  appear  to 
prosecute  her.  Nobody  will  afford  her  lodgings; 
the  symptoms  of  her  distemper  are  grown  outra- 
geous ;  she  sues  to  be  admitted  into  an  hospital,  where 
she  is  cured  at  the  expense  of  her  nose ;  she  is  turned 
out  naked  into  the  streets,  depends  upon  the  ad- 
dresses of  the  lowest  class,  is  fain  to  allay  the  rage 
of  hunger  and  cold  with  gin ;  degenerates  into  a 
brutal  insensibility,  rots  and  dies  upon  a  dunghill. 
Miserable  wretch  that  I  am  !  perhaps  the  same  hor- 
rors are  decreed  for  me !  No,"  cried  she,  after  some 
pause,  "I  shall  never  live  to  such  extremity  of  dis- 
tress !  my  own  hand  shall  open  a  way  for  my  deliv- 
erance, before  I  arrive  at  that  forlorn  period  ! "  Her 
condition  filled  me  with  sympathy  and  compassion ; 
[34] 


A    COURTEZAN'S    MISERIES 

I  revered  her  qualifications,  looked  upon  her  as  un- 
fortunate, not  criminal,  and  attended  her  with  such 
care  and  success,  that,  in  less  than  two  months,  her 
health,  as  well  as  my  own,  was  perfectly  re-estab- 
lished. As  we  often  conferred  upon  our  mutual 
affairs,  and  interchanged  advice,  a  thousand  different 
projects  were  formed,  which,  upon  further  canvass- 
ing, appeared  impracticable.  We  would  have  gladly 
gone  to  service ;  but  who  would  take  us  in  without 
recommendation  ?  At  length  an  expedient  occurred 
to  her,  of  which  she  intended  to  lay  hold ;  and  this 
was  to  procure,  with  the  first  money  she  should  earn, 
the  homely  garb  of  a  country  wench,  go  to  some 
village  at  a  good  distance  from  town,  and  come  up 
in  a  waggon,  as  a  fresh  girl  for  service;  by  which 
means  she  might  be  provided  for  in  a  manner  much 
more  suitable  to  her  inclination  than  her  present 
way  of  life. 


[35] 


CHAPTER    TWENTY-FOUR 

I  AM  REDUCED  TO  GREAT  MISERY ASSAULTED  ON  TOWER 

HILL    BY  A  PRESS-GANG,  WHO    PUT   ME    ON    BOARD   A 

TENDER MY     USAGE    THERE MY     ARRIVAL    ON 

BOARD  OF  THE  Thunder  MAN-OF-WAR,  WHERE  I 
AM  PUT  IN  IRONS,  AND  AFTERWARDS  RELEASED  BY 
THE  GOOD  OFFICES  OF  MR.  THOMSON,  WHO  RECOM- 
MENDS ME  AS  ASSISTANT  TO  THE  SURGEON HE 

RELATES  HIS  OWN  STORY,  AND  MAKES  ME  ACQUAINTED 
WITH  THE  CHARACTERS  OF  THE  CAPTAIN,  SURGEON, 
AND  FIRST  MATE. 

I    APPLAUDED  the  resolution  of  Miss  Wil- 
liams, who,  a  few  days  after,   was  hired  in 
quality  of  bar-keeper,  by  one  of  the  ladies 
who  had  witnessed  in  her  behalf  at  the  Mar- 
shalsea,  and  who  since  that  time  had  got  credit  with 
a  wine  merchant,  whose  favourite  she  was,  to  set  up  a 
convenient  house  of  her  own.     Thither  my  fellow- 
lodger  repaired,  after  having  taken  leave  of  me  with 
a  torrent  of  tears,  and  a  thousand  protestations  of 
eternal   gratitude;   assuring  me,  she    would  remain 
in  this  situation    no  longer   than  she  should  pick 
up  money   sufficient   to   put    her    other    design    in 
execution. 

As  for  my  own  part,  I  saw  no  resource  but  the 
army  or  navy,  between  which  I  hesitated  so  long, 
that  I  found  myself  reduced  to  a  starving  condition. 
[36] 


SEIZED    BY    A    PRESS-GANG 

My  spirit  began  to  accommodate  itself  to  my  beg- 
garly fate,  and  I  became  so  mean  as  to  go  down 
towards  Wapping,  with  an  intention  to  inquire  for 
an  old  schoolfellow,  who,  I  understood,  had  got  the 
command  of  a  small  coasting  vessel,  then  in  the 
river,  and  implore  his  assistance.  But  my  destiny 
prevented  this  abject  piece  of  behaviour ;  for,  as  I 
crossed  Tower  Wharf,  a  squat  tawny  fellow,  with  a 
hanger  by  his  side,  and  a  cudgel  in  his  hand,  came 
up  to  me,  calling,  "  Yo,  ho !  brother,  you  must 
come  along  with  me.""  As  I  did  not  like  his  ap- 
pearance, instead  of  answering  his  salutation,  I 
quickened  my  pace,  in  hope  of  ridding  myself  of 
his  company ;  upon  which  he  whistled  aloud,  and 
immediately  another  sailor  appeared  before  me,  who 
laid  hold  of  me  by  the  collar,  and  began  to  drag  me 
along.  Not  being  of  a  humour  to  relish  such  treat- 
ment, I  disengaged  myself  of  the  assailant,  and  with 
one  blow  of  my  cudgel,  laid  him  motionless  on  the 
ground  ;  and  perceiving  myself  surrounded  in  a  trice, 
by  ten  or  a  dozen  more,  exerted  myself  with  such 
dexterity  and  success,  that  some  of  my  opponents 
were  fain  to  attack  me  with  drawn  cutlasses ;  and,  after 
an  obstinate  engagement,  in  which  I  received  a  large 
wound  on  my  head,  and  another  on  my  left  cheek,  I 
was  disarmed,  taken  prisoner,  and  carried  on  board  a 
pressing  tender,  where,  after  being  pinioned  like  a 
malefactor,  I  was  thrust  down  into  the  hold  among 
a  parcel  of  miserable  wretches,  the  sight  of  whom  well- 
nigh  distracted  me.  As  the  commanding  officer  had 
not  humanity  enough  to  order  my  wounds  to  be 
dressed,  and  I  could  not  use  my  own  hands,  I  desired 
[37] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

one  of  my  fellow-captives,  who  was  unfettered;  to 
take  a  handkerchief  out  of  my  pocket,  and  tie  it 
round  my  head  to  stop  the  bleeding.  He  pulled  out 
my  handkerchief,  't  is  true ;  but,  instead  of  applying 
it  to  the  use  for  which  I  designed  it,  went  to  the 
grating  of  the  hatchway,  and  with  astonishing  com- 
posure, sold  it  before  my  face  to  a  bum-boat  woman 3 
then  on  board,  for  a  quart  of  gin,  with  which  he 
treated  my  companions,  regardless  of  my  circum- 
stances and  intreaties. 

I  complained  bitterly  of  this  robbery  to  the  mid- 
shipman on  deck,  telling  him  at  the  same  time,  that 
unless  my  hurts  were  dressed,  I  should  bleed  to  death. 
But  compassion  was  a  weakness  of  which  no  man 
could  justly  accuse  this  person,  who,  squirting  a 
mouthful  of  dissolved  tobacco  upon  me  through  the 
gratings,  told  me,  "  I  was  a  mutinous  dog,  and  that 
I  might  die  and  be  d — d."  Finding  there  was  no 
other  remedy,  I  appealed  to  patience,  and  laid  up  this 
usage  in  my  memory,  to  be  recalled  at  a  fitter  season. 
In  the  meantime,  loss  of  blood,  vexation,  and  want  of 
food,  contributed,  with  the  noisome  stench  of  the 
place,  to  throw  me  into  a  swoon ;  out  of  which  I  was 
recovered  by  a  tweak  of  the  nose,  administered  by  the 
tar  who  stood  sentinel  over  us,  who  at  the  same  time 
regaled  me  with  a  draught  of  flip,  and  comforted  me 
with  the  hopes  of  being  put  on  board  the  Thunder 
next  day,  where  I  should  be  freed  of  my  handcuffs, 
and  cured  of  my  wounds  by  the  doctor.  I  no  sooner 

1  A  bum-boat  woman  is  one  who  sells  bread,  cheese,  greens,  liquor, 
and  fresh  provisions  to  the  sailors,  in  a  small  boat  that  lies  alongside  the 
ship. 

[38] 


NEWS    OF    LIEUTENANT    BOWLING 

heard  him  name  the  Thunder,  than  I  asked  if  he  had 
belonged  to  that  ship  long?  and  he  giving  me  to 
understand,   he   had  belonged  to  her   five   years,   I 
inquired  if  he  knew  Lieutenant  Bowling  ?     "  Know 
Lieutenant   Bowling  ?  "  said   he,  —  "  odds  my  life ! 
and  that  I  do !  and  a  good  seaman  he  is,  as  ever 
stepped  upon  forecastle,  —  and  a  brave  fellow  as  ever 
crack'd  bisket ;  —  none  of  your  Guinea  pigs,  —  nor 
your  fresh-water,   wishy-washy,   fair-weather   fowls. 
Many  a  taut  gale  of  wind  has  honest  Tom  Bowling 
and  I  weathered  together.     Here  's  his  health  with  all 
my  heart,  wherever  he  is,  aloft  or  alow  —  in  heaven 
or  in  hell  —  all 's  one  for  that  —  he  needs  not  be 
ashamed  to  show  himself."     I  was  so  much  affected 
with  this  eulogium,  that  I  could  not  refrain  from 
telling  him  that  I  was  Lieutenant  Bowling's  kins- 
man;  in   consequence   of   which  connexion  he  ex- 
pressed an  inclination  to  serve  me,  and,  when  he  was 
relieved,  brought  some  cold  boiled  beef  in  a  platter, 
and  biscuit,  on  which  we  supped   plentifully,  and 
afterwards  drank  another  can  of  flip  together.     While 
we  were  thus  engaged,  he  recounted  a  great  many 
exploits  of  my  uncle,  who,  I  found,  was  very  much 
beloved  by  the  ship's  company,  and  pitied  for  the 
misfortune  that  had  happened  to  him  in  Hispaniola, 
which  I  was  very  glad  to  be   informed  was  not  so 
great  as  I  imagined ;  for  Captain  Oakum  had  recov- 
ered of  his  wounds,  and  actually  at  that  time  com- 
manded the  ship.      Having,    by  accident,   in    my 
pocket,  my  uncle's  letter,  written  from  Port  Louis, 
I  gave   it  to  my  benefactor,  whose  name  was  Jack 
Rattlin,  for  his  perusal ;  but  honest  Jack  told  me 
[39] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

frankly  he  could  not  read,  and  desired  to  know 
the  contents  ;  which  I  immediately  communicated. 
When  he  heard  that  part  of  it  in  which  he  says  he 
had  writ  to  his  landlord  in  Deal,  he  cried,  "  Body 
o'  me  !  that  was  old  Ben  Block  —  he  was  dead  before 
the  letter  came  to  hand.  Ey,  ey,  had  Ben  been 
alive,  Lieutenant  Bowling  would  have  had  no  occa- 
sion to  skulk  so  long.  Honest  Ben  was  the  first  man 
that  taught  him  to  hand,  reef,  and  steer.  —  Well, 
well,  we  must  all  die,  that 's  certain,  —  we  must  all 
come  to  port  sooner  or  later  —  at  sea,  or  on  shore ; 
we  must  be  fast  moored  one  day ;  death 's  like  the 
best  bower  anchor,  as  the  saying  is,  it  will  bring  us 
all  up." 

I  could  not  but  signify  my  approbation  of  the 
justness  of  Jack's  reflections ;  and  inquired  into  the 
occasion  of  the  quarrel  between  Captain  Oakum  and 
my  uncle ;  which  he  explained  in  this  manner : 
"  Captain  Oakum,  to  be  sure,  is  a  good  man  enough, 
—  besides  he 's  my  commander ;  —  but  what  's  that 
to  me  ?  —  I  do  my  duty,  and  value  no  man's  anger 
of  a  rope's  end.  —  Now  the  report  goes,  as  how  he 's 
a  lord  or  baron  knight's  brother,  whereby,  d'  ye  see 
me,  he  carries  a  strait  arm,  and  keeps  aloof  from 
his  officers,  thof,  may  hap,  they  may  be  as  good  men 
in  the  main  as  he.  Now  we  lying  at  anchor  in 
Tuberoon  Bay,  Lieutenant  Bowling  had  the  middle 
watch,  and  as  he  always  kept  a  good  look  out.  he 
made,  d'  ye  see,  three  lights  in  the  offing,  whereby 
he  ran  down  to  the  great  cabin  for  orders,  and 
found  the  captain  asleep  ;  whereupon  he  waked  him, 
which  put  him  in  a  main  high  passion,  and  he 
[40] 


ABOARD    THE    "THUNDER" 

swore  woundily  at  the  lieutenant,  and  called  him 
lousy  Scotch  son  of  a  whore  (for  I  being  then  sentinel 
in  the  steerage,  heard  all),  and  swab,  and  lubber, 
whereby  the  lieutenant  returned  the  salute,  and  they 
jawed  together,  fore  and  aft,  a  good  spell,  till  at  last 
the  captain  turned  out,  and  laying  hold  of  a  rattan, 
came  athwart  Mr.  Bowling's  quarter;  whereby  he 
told  the  captain,  that,  if  he  was  not  his  commander, 
he  would  heave  him  overboard,  and  demanded  satis- 
faction ashore  ;  whereby,  in  the  morning  watch,  the 
captain  went  ashore  in  the  pinnace,  and  afterwards 
the  lieutenant  carried  the  cutter  ashore ;  and  so 
they,  leaving  their  boats'  crews  on  their  oars,  went 
away  together ;  and  so,  d'  ye  see,  in  less  than  a  quar- 
ter of  an  hour  we  heard  firing,  whereby  we  made  for 
the  place,  and  found  the  captain  lying  wounded  on 
the  beach,  and  so  brought  him  on  board  to  the 
doctor,  who  cured  him  in  less  than  six  weeks.  But 
the  lieutenant  clapp'd  on  all  the  sail  he  could  bear, 
and  had  got  far  enow  ahead  before  we  knew  anything 
of  the  matter;  so  that  we  could  never  after  get 
sight  of  him,  for  which  we  were  not  sorry,  because 
the  captain  was  mainly  wroth,  and  would  certainly 
have  done  him  a  mischief ;  —  for  he  afterwards  caused 
him  to  be  run  on  the  ship's  books,  whereby  he  lost 
all  his  pay,  and  if  he  should  be  taken,  would  be 
tried  as  a  deserter." 

This  account  of  the  captain's  behaviour  gave  me 
no  advantageous  idea  of  his  character ;  and  I  could 
not  help  lamenting  my  own  fate,  that  had  subjected 
me  to  such  a  commander.  However,  making  a  vir- 
tue of  necessity,  I  put  a  good  face  on  the  matter, 

[41] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

and  next  day  was,  with  the  other  pressed  men,  put 
on  board  of  the  Thunder,  lying  at  the  Nore.  When 
we  came  alongside,  the  mate  who  guarded  us  thither 
ordered  my  handcuffs  to  be  taken  off,  that  I  might 
get  on  board  the  easier.  This  circumstance  being 
perceived  by  some  of  the  company,  who  stood  upon 
the  gang-boards  to  see  us  enter,  one  of  them  called 
to  Jack  Rattlin,  who  was  busied  in  doing  this 
friendly  office  for  me,  "Hey,  Jack,  what  Newgate 
galley  have  you  boarded  in  the  river  as  you  came 
along?  Have  we  not  thieves  enow  among  us  al- 
ready?" Another,  observing  my  wounds,  which 
remained  exposed  to  the  air,  told  me  that  my 
seams  were  uncaulked,  and  that  I  must  be  new 
payed.  A  third,  seeing  my  hair  clotted  together 
with  blood,  as  it  were,  into  distinct  cords,  took  no- 
tice, that  my  bows  were  manned  with  the  red  ropes, 
instead  of  my  side.  A  fourth  asked  me,  if  I  could 
not  keep  my  yards  square  without  iron  braces? 
And,  in  short,  a  thousand  witticisms  of  the  same 
nature  were  passed  upon  me  before  I  could  get  up 
the  ship's  side.  After  we  had  been  all  entered  upon 
the  ship's  books,  I  inquired  of  one  of  my  shipmates 
where  the  surgeon  was,  that  I  might  have  my  wounds 
dressed,  and  had  actually  got  as  far  as  the  middle 
deck,  (for  our  ship  carried  eighty  guns,)  in  my  way 
to  the  cock-pit,  when  I  was  met  by  the  same  mid- 
shipman who  had  used  me  so  barbarously  in  the 
tender.  He,  seeing  me  free  from  my  chains,  asked, 
with  an  insolent  air,  who  had  released  me  ?  To  this 
question  I  foolishly  answered,  with  a  countenance 
that  toe  plainly  declared  the  state  of  my  thoughts, 
[42] 


THOMSON'S    GOOD    OFFICES 

• 

"  Whoever  did  it,  I  am  persuaded  did  not  consult 
you  in  the  affair."  I  had  no  sooner  uttered  these 
words,  than  he  cried,  "  D — n  you,  you  saucy  son  of 
a  bitch,  I'll  teach  you  to  talk  so  to  your  officer." 
So  saying,  he  bestowed  on  me  several  severe  stripes 
with  a  supple-jack  he  had  in  his  hand ;  and,  going 
to  the  commanding  officer,  made  such  a  report  of  me, 
that  I  was  immediately  put  in  irons  by  the  master- 
at-arms,  and  a  sentinel  placed  over  me.  Honest 
Rattlin,  as  soon  as  he  heard  of  my  condition,  came 
to  me,  and  administered  all  the  consolation  he  could, 
and  then  went  to  the  surgeon  in  my  behalf,  who  sent 
one  of  his  mates  to  dress  my  wounds.  This  mate 
was  no  other  than  my  old  friend  Thomson,  with 
whom  I  became  acquainted  at  the  Navy  Office,  as 
before  mentioned.  If  I  knew  him  at  first  sight,  it 
was  not  easy  for  him  to  recognise  me,  disfigured  with 
blood  and  dirt,  and  altered  by  the  misery  I  had 
undergone.  Unknown  as  I  was  to  him,  he  surveyed 
me  with  looks  of  compassion,  and  handled  my  sores 
with  great  tenderness.  When  he  had  applied  what  he 
thought  proper,  and  was  about  to  leave  me,  I  asked 
him,  if  my  misfortunes  had  disguised  me  so  much 
that  he  could  not  recollect  my  face?  Upon  this 
address,  he  observed  me  with  great  earnestness  for 
some  time,  and  at  length  protested  he  could  not 
recollect  one  feature  of  my  countenance. 

To  keep  him  no  longer  in  suspense,  I  told  him  my 
name ;  which  when  he  heard,  he  embraced  me  with 
affection,  and  professed  his  sorrow  in  seeing  me  in 
such  a  disagreeable  situation.  I  made  him  acquainted 
with  my  story ;  and  when  he  heard  how  inhumanly 
[43] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

I  had  been  used  in  the  tender,  he  left  me  abruptly, 
assuring  me  I  should  see  him  again  soon.  I  had 
scarce  time  to  wonder  at  his  sudden  departure,  when 
the  master-at-arms  came  to  the  place  of  my  confine- 
ment, and  bade  me  follow  him  to  the  quarter-deck, 
where  I  was  examined  by  the  first  lieutenant,  who 
commanded  the  ship  in  the  absence  of  the  captain, 
touching  the  treatment  I  had  received  in  the  tender 
from  my  friend  the  midshipman,  who  was  present  to 
confront  me.  I  recounted  the  particulars  of  his  be- 
haviour to  me,  not  only  in  the  tender,  but  since  my 
being  on  board  the  ship,  part  of  which  being  proved 
by  the  evidence  of  Jack  Rattlin  and  others,  who  had 
no  great  devotion  for  my  oppressor,  I  was  discharged 
from  confinement,  to  make  way  for  him,  who  was 
delivered  to  the  master-at-arms  to  take  his  turn  in 
the  bilboes.  And  this  was  not  the  only  satisfaction 
I  enjoyed ;  for  I  was,  at  the  request  of  the  surgeon, 
exempted  from  all  other  duty  than  that  of  assisting 
his  mates  in  making  and  administering  medicines  to 
the  sick.  This  good  office  I  owed  to  the  friendship 
of  Mr.  Thomson,  who  had  represented  me  in  such  a 
favourable  light  to  the  surgeon,  that  he  demanded 
me  of  the  lieutenant  to  supply  the  place  of  his  third 
mate,  who  was  lately  dead.  When  I  had  obtained 
this  favour,  my  friend  Thomson  carried  me  down  to 
the  cock-pit,  which  is  the  place  allotted  for  the  habi- 
tation of  the  surgeon's  mates;  and  when  he  had 
shown  me  their  berth,  as  he  called  it,  I  was  filled 
with  astonishment  and  horror. 

We  descended  by  divers  ladders  to  a  space  as  dark 
as  a  dungeon,  which  I  understood  was  immersed  sev- 
[44] 


THOMSON'S    GOOD    OFFICES 

eral  feet  under  water,  being  immediately  above  the 
hold.  I  had  no  sooner  approached  this  dismal  gulf, 
than  my  nose  was  saluted  with  an  intolerable  stench 
of  putrefied  cheese  and  rancid  butter,  that  issued 
from  an  apartment  at  the  foot  of  the  ladder,  resem- 
bling a  chandler's  shop,  where,  by  the  faint  glimmer- 
ing of  a  candle,  I  could  perceive  a  man  with  a  pale 
meagre  countenance,  sitting  behind  a  kind  of  desk, 
having  spectacles  on  his  nose,  and  a  pen  in  his  hand. 
This,  I  learned  of  Mr.  Thomson,  was  the  ship's 
steward,  who  sat  there  to  distribute  provision  to  the 
several  messes,  and  to  mark  what  each  received.  He 
therefore  presented  my  name  to  him,  and  desired  I 
might  be  entered  in  his  mess ;  then,  taking  a  light 
in  his  hand,  conducted  me  to  the  place  of  his  resi- 
dence, which  was  a  square  of  about  six  feet,  sur- 
rounded with  the  medicine  chest,  that  of  the  first 
mate,  his  own,  and  a  board,  by  way  of  table,  fastened 
to  the  after  powder-room ;  it  was  also  enclosed  with 
canvas,  nailed  round  to  the  beams  of  the  ship,  to 
screen  us  from  the  cold,  as  well  as  from  the  view  of 
the  midshipmen  and  quarter-masters,  who  lodged 
within  the  cable-tiers  on  each  side  of  us.  In  this 
gloomy  mansion  he  entertained  me  with  some  cold 
salt  pork,  which  he  brought  from  a  sort  of  locker, 
fixed  above  the  table ;  and,  calling  for  the  boy  of 
the  mess,  sent  for  a  can  of  beer,  of  which  he  made 
excellent  flip  to  crown  the  banquet.  By  this  time  I 
began  to  recover  my  spirits,  which  had  been  exceed- 
ingly depressed  by  the  appearance  of  everything 
about  me,  and  could  no  longer  refrain  from  asking 
the  particulars  of  Mr.  Thomson's  fortune,  since  I  had 
[45] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

seen  him  in  London.  He  told  me,  that  being  disap- 
pointed in  his  expectations  of  borrowing  money  to 
gratify  the  rapacious  secretary  at  the  Navy  Office,  he 
found  himself  utterly  unable  to  subsist  any  longer  in 
town,  and  had  actually  offered  his  service  in  quality 
of  mate  to  the  surgeon  of  a  merchant's  ship  bound  to 
Guinea,  on  the  slaving  trade ;  when,  one  morning,  a 
young  fellow,  of  whom  he  had  some  acquaintance, 
came  to  his  lodgings,  and  informed  him,  that  he  had 
seen  a  wan-ant  made  out  in  his  name  at  the  Navy 
Office,  for  surgeon's  second  mate  of  a  third  rate.  This 
unexpected  piece  of  good  news  he  could  scarcely 
believe  to  be  true,  more  especially  as  he  had  been 
found  qualified  at  Surgeons'  Hall  for  third  mate  only ; 
but,  that  he  might  not  be  wanting  to  himself,  he 
went  thither  to  be  assured,  and  actually  found  it  so. 
Whereupon,  demanding  his  warrant,  it  was  delivered 
to  him,  and  the  oaths  administered  immediately. 
That  very  afternoon  he  went  to  Gravesend  in  the  tilt- 
boat,  from  whence  he  took  a  place  in  the  tide-coach 
for  Rochester;  next  morning,  got  on  board  the 
Thunder,  for  which  he  was  appointed,  then  lying  in 
the  harbour  at  Chatham ;  and  the  same  day  was 
mustered  by  the  clerk  of  the  cheque.  And  well  it 
was  for  him  that  such  expedition  was  used ;  for,  in 
less  than  twelve  hours  after  his  arrival,  another 
William  Thomson  came  on  board,  affirming  that  he 
was  the  person  for  whom  the  warrant  was  expedited, 
and  that  the  other  was  an  impostor. 

My  friend  was  grievously  alarmed  at  this  acci- 
dent—  the  more  so,  as  his  namesake  had  very  much 
the  advantage  over  him  both  in  assurance  and  dress. 
[46] 


A    SECOND    THOMSON 

However,  to  acquit  himself  of  the  suspicion  of  im- 
posture, he  produced  several  letters,  written  from 
Scotland  to  him  in  that  name,  and  recollecting  that 
his  indentures  were  in  a  box  on  board,  he  brought 
them  up,  and  convinced  all  present  that  he  had  not 
assumed  a  name  which  did  not  belong  to  him.  His 
competitor,  enraged  that  they  should  hesitate  in 
doing  him  justice,  (for,  to  be  sure,  the  warrant  had 
been  designed  for  him,)  behaved  with  so  much  inde- 
cent heat,  that  the  commanding  officer,  who  was  the 
same  gentleman  I  had  seen,  and  the  surgeon,  were 
offended  at  his  presumption,  and,  making  a  point  of 
it  with  their  friends  in  town,  in  less  than  a  week  got 
the  first  confirmed  in  his  station.  "  I  have  been  on 
board,"  said  he,  "  ever  since,  and,  as  this  way  of  life 
is  become  familiar  to  me,  have  no  cause  to  complain 
of  my  situation.  The  surgeon  is  a  good-natured  in- 
dolent man ;  the  first  mate,  who  is  now  on  shore  on 
duty,  is,  indeed,  a  little  proud  and  choleric,  as  all 
Welshmen  are,  but,  in  the  main,  a  friendly  honest 
fellow.  The  lieutenants  I  have  no  concern  with; 
and  as  for  the  captain,  he  is  too  much  of  a  gentle- 
man to  know  a  surgeon's  mate,  even  by  sight." 


[47] 


CHAPTER    TWENTY-FIVE 

THE     BEHAVIOUR     OF    MR.     MORGAN HIS      PRIDE,     DIS- 
PLEASURE,   AND     GENEROSITY THE    ECONOMY     OF 

OUR  MESS  DESCRIBED THOMSON^  FURTHER  FRIEND- 
SHIP  THE    NATURE    OF    MY    DUTY    EXPLAINED 

THE    SITUATION    OF   THE    SICK. 

WHILE  he  was  thus  discoursing  to  me, 
we  heard  a  voice  on  the  cock-pit  lad- 
der pronounce  with  great  vehemence, 
in  a  strange  dialect,  "The  devil  and 
his  dam  blow  me  from  the  top  of  Mounchdenny,  if  I 
go  to  him  before  there  is  something  in  my  pelly  ;  let 
his  nose  be  as  yellow  as  saffron,  or  as  plue  as  a  pell, 
look  you,   or  green  as    a  leek,  't  is  all   one."      To 
this  declaration  somebody  answered,  "  So  it  seems 
my  poor  messmate  must  part  his  cable  for  want  of  a 
little  assistance.     His  fore-top-sail  is  loose  already ; 
and,    besides,   the   doctor  ordered  you  to  overhaul 
him ;  but  I  see  you  don't  mind  what  your  master 
says."     Here  he  was   interrupted  with,    "  Splunter 
and  oons  !  you  lousy  tog,  who  do  you  call  my  mas- 
ter ?  get  you  gone  to  the  doctor,  and  tell  him  my 
birth,  and  education,  and  my  abilities,  and  more- 
over, my  behaviour  is  as  good  as  his,  or  any  shentle- 
man's  (no  disparagement  to  him)  in  the  whole  world. 
[48] 


MORGAN    DESCRIBED 

Got  pless  my  soul !  does  he  think,  or  conceive,  or 
imagine,  that  I  am  a  hprse,  or  an  ass,  or  a  goat,  to 
trudge  backwards  and  forwards,  and  upwards  and 
downwards,  and  by  sea  and  by  land,  at  his  will  and 
pleasure?  Go  your  ways,  you  rapscallion,  and  tell 
Dr.  Atkins,  that  I  desire  and  request  that  he  will 
give  a  look  to  the  tying  man,  and  order  something 
for  him  if  he  be  dead  or  alive,  and  I  will  see  him 
take  it  by  and  by,  when  my  craving  stomach  is  satis- 
fied, look  you.""  At  this  the  other  went  away,  say- 
ing, that  if  they  would  serve  him  so  when  he  was 
dying,  by  G— d,  he  would  be  foul  of  them  in  the 
other  world. 

Here  Mr.  Thomson  let  me  know  that  the  person 
we  heard  was  Mr.  Morgan,  the  first  mate,  who  was 
just  come  on  board  from  the  hospital,  whither  he 
had  attended  some  of  the  sick  in  the  morning.  At 
the  same  time  I  saw  him  come  into  the  berth.  He 
was  a  short  thick  man,  with  a  face  garnished  with 
pimples,  a  snub  nose  turned  up  at  the  end,  an  exces- 
sive wide  mouth,  and  little  fiery  eyes,  surrounded  with 
skin  puckered  up  in  innumerable  wrinkles.  My 
friend  immediately  made  him  acquainted  with  my 
case ;  when  he  regarded  me  with  a  very  lofty  look, 
but  without  speaking,  set  down  a  bundle  he  had  in 
his  hand,  and  approached  the  cupboard,  which,  when 
he  had  opened,  he  exclaimed  in  a  great  passion, 
"  Cot  is  my  life !  all  the  pork  is  gone,  as  I  am  a 
Christian  !  "  Thomson  then  gave  him  to  understand, 
that  as  I  had  been  brought  on  board  half-famished, 
he  could  do  no  less  than  entertain  me  with  what 
was  in  the  locker ;  and  the  rather  as  he  had  bid  the 
VOL.  H.  —  4  [  49  ] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

steward  enter  me  in  the  mess.  Whether  this  disap- 
pointment made  Mr.  Morgan  more  peevish  than 
usual,  or  he  rather  thought  himself  too  little  re- 
garded by  his  fellow-mate,  I  know  not,  but,  after 
some  pause,  he  went  on  in  this  manner,  "  Mr.  Thom- 
son, perhaps  you  do  not  use  me  with  all  the  good 
manners,  and  complaisance,  and  respect,  look  you, 
that  becomes  you,  because  you  have  not  vouchsafed 
to  advise  with  me  in  this  affair.  I  have,  in  my  time, 
look  you,  been  a  man  of  some  weight  and  substance 
and  consideration,  and  have  kept  house  and  home, 
and  paid  scot  and  lot,  and  the  king's  taxes ;  ay,  and 
maintained  a  family  to  boot.  And  moreover,  also,  I 
am  your  senior,  and  your  elder,  and  your  petter,  Mr. 
Thomson."  "  My  elder  I  '11  allow  you  to  be,  but  not 
my  better,"  cried  Thomson  with  some  heat.  "  Cot  is 
my  Saviour,  and  witness  too,"  said  Morgan,  with 
great  vehemence,  "  that  I  am  more  elder,  and  there- 
fore more  petter,  by  many  years,  than  you."  Fear- 
ing this  dispute  might  be  attended  with  some  bad 
consequence,  I  interposed,  and  told  Mr.  Morgan  I 
was  very  sorry  for  having  been  the  occasion  of  any 
difference  between  him  and  the  second  mate;  and 
that  rather  than  cause  the  least  breach  in  their  good 
understanding,  I  would  eat  my  allowance  by  myself, 
or  seek  admission  into  some  other  company.  But 
Thomson,  with  more  spirit  than  discretion,  as  I 
thought,  insisted  upon  my  remaining  where  he  had 
appointed  me ;  and  observed,  that  no  man  possessed 
of  generosity  and  compassion  would  have  any  objec- 
tion to  it,  considering  my  birth  and  talents,  and  the 
misfortunes  I  had  of  late  so  unjustly  undergone. 
[50] 


A    DESCENDANT    OF    CARACTACUS 

This  was  touching  Mr.  Morgan  on  the  right  key, 
who  protested  with  great  earnestness  that  he  had  no 
objection  to  my  being  received  in  the  mess;  but 
only  complained  that  the  ceremony  of  asking  his 
consent  was  not  observed.  "  As  for  a  shentleman  in 
distress,"  said  he,  shaking  me  by  the  hand,  "  I  lofe 
him  as  I  lofe  my  own  powels ;  for,  Cot  help  me !  I 
have  had  vexations  enough  upon  my  own  pack." 
And,  as  I  afterwards  learned,  in  so  saying,  he  spoke 
no  more  than  what  was  true ;  for  he  had  been  once 
settled  in  a  very  good  situation  in  Glamorganshire, 
and  was  ruined  by  being  security  for  an  acquaint- 
ance. All  differences  being  composed,  he  untied  his 
bundle,  which  consisted  of  three  bunches  of  onions, 
and  a  great  lump  of  Cheshire  cheese,  wrapped  up  in 
a  handkerchief ;  and,  taking  some  biscuit  from  the 
cupboard,  fell  to  with  a  keen  appetite,  inviting  us  to 
a  share  of  the  repast.  When  he  had  fed  heartily  on 
his  homely  fare,  he  filled  a  large  cup,  made  of  a 
cocoa-nut  shell,  with  brandy,  and  drinking  it  off, 
told  us,  "  Prandy  was  the  pest  menstruum  for  onion 
and  sheese."  His  hunger  being  appeased,  he  began 
to  be  in  better  humour  ;  and  being  inquisitive  about 
my  birth,  no  sooner  understood  that  I  was  descended 
of  a  good  family,  than  he  discovered  a  particular 
good  will  to  me  on  that  account,  deducing  his  own 
pedigree  in  a  direct  line  from  the  famous  Caractacus, 
king  of  the  Britons,  who  was  first  the  prisoner  and 
afterwards  the  friend  of  Claudius  Csesar.  Perceiving 
how  much  I  was  reduced  in  point  of  linen,  he  made 
me  a  present  of  two  good  ruffled  shirts,  which,  with 
two  more  of  check  which  I  received  from  Mr.  Thorn- 
[51] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

son,  enabled  me  to  appear  with  decency.  Mean- 
while the  sailor  whom  Mr.  Morgan  had  sent  to  the 
doctor,  brought  a  prescription  for  his  messmate, 
which,  when  the  Welshman  had  read,  he  got  up  to 
prepare  it,  and  asked  if  the  man  was  "  Tead  or  alive." 
"  Dead ! "  replied  Jack,  "  if  he  was  dead  he  would 
have  no  occasion  for  doctor's  stuff.  No,  thank  God, 
death  ha'nt  as  yet  boarded  him,  but  they  have  been 
yard  arm  and  yard  arm  these  three  glasses."  "  Are 
his  eyes  open  ? "  continued  the  mate.  "  His  star- 
board eye,"  said  the  sailor,  "  is  open,  but  fast  jammed 
in  his  head ;  and  the  haulyards  of  his  under  jaw  have 
given  way."  "Passion  of  my  heart !  "  cried  Morgan, 
"  the  man  is  as  pad  as  one  would  desire  to  be  !  Did 
you  feel  his  pulses  ?  "  To  this  the  other  replied  with, 
"  Anan  ?  "  Upon  which  this  Cambro-Briton,  with 
great  earnestness  and  humanity,  ordered  the  tar  to 
run  to  his  messmate,  and  keep  him  alive  till  he 
should  come  with  the  medicine,  "And  then,"  said 
he,  "  you  shall,  peradventure,  pehold  what  you  shall 
see."  The  poor  fellow,  with  great  simplicity,  ran  to 
the  place  where  the  sick  man  lay,  but,  in  less  than  a 
minute,  returned  with  a  woeful  countenance,  and  told 
us  his  comrade  had  struck.  Morgan,  hearing  this, 
exclaimed,  "  Mercy  upon  my  salvation  !  why  did  you 
not  stop  him  till  I  came  ?  "  "  Stop  him  ?  "  said  the 
other ;  "  I  hailed  him  several  times,  but  he  was  too 
far  on  his  way,  and  the  enemy  had  got  possession  of 
his  close  quarters;  so  that  he  did  not  mind  me." 
"  Well,  well,"  said  he,  "  we  all  owe  Heaven  a  teath. 
Go  your  ways,  you  ragamuffin,  and  take  an  example, 
and  a  warning,  look  you,  and  repent  of  your  mis- 


THE    SICK    BERTH 

teets."  So  saying,  he  pushed  the  seaman  out  of  the 
berth. 

While  he  entertained  us  with  reflections  suitable  to 
this  event,  we  heard  the  boatswain  pipe  to  dinner, 
and  immediately  the  boy  belonging  to  our  mess  ran 
to  the  locker,  from  whence  he  carried  off  a  large 
wooden  platter,  and  in  a  few  minutes  returned  with 
it  full  of  boiled  peas,  crying,  "  Scaldings,"  all  the 
way  as  he  came.  The  cloth,  consisting  of  a  piece  of 
an  old  sail,  was  instantly  laid,  covered  with  three 
plates,  which,  by  the  colour,  I  could  with  difficulty 
discern  to  be  metal,  and  as  many  spoons  of  the  same 
composition,  two  of  which  were  curtailed  in  the 
handles,  and  the  other  abridged  in  the  lip.  Mr. 
Morgan  himself  enriched  this  mess  with  a  lump  of 
salt  butter,  scooped  from  an  old  gallipot,  and  a 
handful  of  onions  shorn,  with  some  pounded  pepper. 
I  was  not  very  much  tempted  with  the  appearance  of 
this  dish,  of  which,  nevertheless,  my  messmates  ate 
heartily,  advising  me  to  follow  their  example,  as  it 
was  banyan-day,  and  we  could  have  no  meat  till  next 
noon.  But  I  had  already  laid  in  sufficient  for  the 
occasion  ;  and  therefore  desired  to  be  excused,  ex- 
pressing a  curiosity  to  know  the  meaning  of  banyan- 
day.  They  told  me  that  on  Mondays,  Wednesdays, 
and  Fridays,  the  ship's  company  had  no  allowance  of 
meat,  and  that  these,  meagre  days  were  called  banyan- 
days,  the  reason  of  which  they  did  not  know  ;  but  I 
have  since  learned  they  take  their  denomination  from 
a  sect  of  devotees  in  some  part  of  the  East  Indies, 
who  never  taste  flesh. 

After  dinner,  Thomson  led  me  round  the  ship, 
,[53] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

showed  me  the  different  parts,  described  their  uses, 
and,  as  far  as  he  could,  made  me  acquainted  with  the 
particulars  of  the  discipline  and  economy  practised  on 
board.  He  then  demanded  of  the  boatswain  an  ham- 
mock for  me,  which  was  slung  in  a  very  neat  manner 
by  my  friend  Jack  Rattlin ;  and  as  I  had  no  bed- 
clothes, procured  credit  for  me  with  the  purser,  for  a 
mattress  arid  two  blankets.  At  seven  o'clock  in  the 
evening,  Morgan  visited  the  sick,  and  having  ordered 
what  was  proper  for  each,  I  assisted  Thomson  in 
making  up  his  prescriptions ;  but  when  I  followed  him 
with  the  medicines  into  the  sick  berth  or  hospital,  and 
observed  the  situations  of  the  patients,  I  was  much  less 
surprised  that  people  should  die  on  board,  than  that 
any  sick  person  should  recover.  Here  I  saw  about 
fifty  miserable  distempered  wretches,  suspended  in 
rows,  so  huddled  one  upon  another,  that  not  more 
than  fourteen  inches  space  was  allotted  for  each  with 
his  bed  and  bedding ;  and  deprived  of  the  light  of  the 
day,  as  well  as  of  fresh  air ;  breathing  nothing  but  a 
noi  ome  atmosphere  of  the  morbid  steams  exhaling 
from  their  own  excrements  and  diseased  bodies, 
devoured  with  vermin  hatched  in  the  filth  that  sur- 
rounded them,  and  destitute  of  every  convenience 
necessary  for  people  in  that  helpless  condition. 


[54] 


CHAPTER    TWENTY-SIX 

A  DISAGREEABLE  ACCIDENT   HAPPENS  TO  ME   IN   THE 

DISCHARGE   OF    MY    OFFICE MORGANA   NOSE    IS 

OFFENDED A  DIALOGUE  BETWEEN  HIM  AND  THE 

SHIP'S  STEWARD UPON  EXAMINATION,  I  FIND  MORE 

CAUSES  OF  COMPLAINT  THAN  ONE MY  HAIR  IS  CUT 

OFF — MORGAN'S  COOKERY — THE  MANNER  OF  SLEEP- 
ING ON  BOARD 1  AM  WAKED  IN  THE   NIGHT  BY  A 

DREADFUL  NOISE. 

I   COULD  not  comprehend  how  it  was  possible 
for  the  attendants  to  come  near  those  who 
hung  on  the  inside  towards  the  sides  of  the 
ship,  in  order  to  assist  them,  as  they  seemed 
barricadoed  by  those  who  lay  on  the  outside,  and 
entirely  out  of  the  reach  of  all  visitation.     Much  less 
could  I  conceive  how  my  friend  Thomson  would  be 
able  to  administer  clysters,  that  were  ordered  for 
some  in  that  situation ;  when  I  saw  him  thrust  his 
wig  in  his  pocket,  and  strip  himself  to  his  waistcoat 
in  a  moment,  then  creep  on  all  four  under  the  ham- 
mocks of  the  sick,   and,  forcing  up  his  bare  pate 
between  two,  keep  them  asunder  with  one  shoulder, 
until  he  had  done  his  duty.     Eager  to  learn  the  ser- 
vice, I  desired  he  would  give  me  leave  to  perform  the 
next  operation  of  that  kind;  and  he  consenting,  I 
undressed  myself  after  his  example,  and  crawling 
along,  the  ship  happened  to  roll ;  this  motion  alarm- 
[65] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

ing  me,  I  laid  hold  of  the  first  thing  that  came  within 
my  grasp,  with  such  violence,  that  I  overturned  it, 
and  soon  found  by  the  smell  that  issued  upon  me,  I 
had  not  unlocked  a  box  of  the  most  delicious  perfume : 
it  was  well  for  me  that  my  nose  was  none  of  the  most 
delicate,  else  I  know  not  how  I  might  have  been 
affected  by  this  vapour,  which  diffused  itself  all  over 
the  ship,  to  the  utter  discomposure  of  everybody  who 
tarried  on  the  same  deck :  neither  was  the  consequence 
of  this  disgrace  confined  to  my  sense  of  smelling 
only ;  for  I  felt  my  misfortunes  more  ways  than  one. 
That  I  might  not,  however,  appear  altogether  discon- 
certed in  this  my  first  essay,  I  got  up,  and  pushing  my 
head  with  great  force  between  two  hammocks,  towards 
the  middle,  where  the  greatest  resistance  was,  I  made 
an  opening  indeed,  but,  not  understanding  the  knack 
of  dexterously  turning  my  shoulder  to  maintain  my 
advantage,  had  the  mortification  to  find  myself  stuck 
up  as  it  were  in  a  pillory,  and  the  weight  of  three  or 
four  people  bearing  on  each  side  of  my  neck,  so  that  I 
was  in  danger  of  strangulation.  While  I  remained  in 
this  defenceless  posture,  one  of  the  sick  men,  rendered 
peevish  by  his  distemper,  was  so  enraged  at  the  smell 
I  had  occasioned,  and  the  rude  shock  he  had  received 
from  me  in  my  elevation,  that,  with  many  bitter 
reproaches,  he  seized  me  by  the  nose,  which  he  tweaked 
so  unmercifully,  that  I  roared  with  anguish.  Thomson, 
perceiving  my  condition,  ordered  one  of  the  waiters  to 
my  assistance,  who  with  much  difficulty  disengaged  me 
from  this  situation,  and  hindered  me  from  taking  ven- 
geance of  the  sick  man,  whose  indisposition  would  not 
have  screened  him  from  the  effects  of  my  indignation. 
[56] 


A    DISAGREEABLE    ACCIDENT 

After  having  made  an  end  of  our  ministry  for  that 
time,  we  descended  to  the  cock-pit,  my  friend  comfort- 
ing me  for  what  had  happened  with  a  homely  proverb, 
which  I  do  not  choose  to  repeat.  When  we  had 
descended  half-way  down  the  ladder,  Mr.  Morgan, 
before  he  saw  us,  having  intelligence  by  his  nose  of 
the  approach  of  something  extraordinary,  cried,  "  Cot 
have  mercy  upon  my  senses  !  I  believe  the  enemy  has 
poarded  us  in  a  stink-pot ! "  Then  directing  his  dis- 
course to  the  steward,  from  whom  he  imagined  the 
odour  proceeded,  he  reprimanded  him  severely  for 
the  freedoms  he  took  among  gentlemen  of  birth,  and 
threatened  to  smoke  him  like  a  padger  with  sulphur, 
if  he  ever  should  presume  to  offend  his  neighbours 
with  such  smells  for  the  future.  The  steward,  con- 
scious of  his  own  innocence,  replied,  with  some  warmth, 
"  I  know  of  no  smells  but  those  of  your  own  making." 
This  repartee  introduced  a  smart  dialogue,  in  which 
the  Welshman  undertook  to  prove,  that  though  the 
stench  he  complained  of  did  not  flow  from  the  stew- 
ard's own  body,  he  was,  nevertheless,  the  author  of  it, 
by  serving  out  damaged  provisions  to  the  ship's  com- 
pany ;  and  in  particular,  putrefied  cheese,  from  the 
use  of  which  only,  he  affirmed,  such  unsavory  steams 
could  arise.  Then  he  launched  out  into  the  praise 
of  good  cheese,  of  which  he  gave  the  analysis  :  he 
explained  the  different  kinds  of  that  commodity,  with 
the  methods  practised  to  make  and  preserve  it ;  and 
concluded  with  observing,  that,  in  yielding  good 
cheese,  the  county  of  Glamorgan  might  vie  with 
Cheshire  itself,  and  was  much  superior  to  it  in  the 
produce  of  goats  and  putter.  I  gathered  from  this 
[57] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

conversation,  that,  if  I  entered  in  my  present  pickle, 
I  should  be  no  welcome  guest,  and  therefore  desired 
Mr.  Thomson  to  go  before,  and  represent  my  calam- 
ity ;  at  which  the  first  mate  expressing  some  concern, 
went  upon  deck  immediately,  taking  his  way  through 
the  cable-tier,  and  by  the  main  hatchway,  to  avoid 
encountering  me,  desiring  me  to  clean  myself  as  soon 
as  possible,  for  he  intended  to  regale  himself  with  a 
dish  of  salmagundy  and  a  pipe.  Accordingly  I  set 
about  this  disagreeable  business,  and  soon  found  that 
I  had  more  causes  of  complaint  than  I  at  first  imag- 
ined ;  for  I  perceived  some  guests  had  honoured  me 
with  their  company,  whose  visit  I  did  not  at  all  think 
seasonable;  neither  did  they  seem  inclined  to  leave 
me  in  a  hurry,  for  they  were  in  possession  of  my  chief 
quarters,  where  they  fed  without  reserve  at  the 
expense  of  my  blood.  —  But  considering  it  would  be 
much  easier  to  extirpate  this  ferocious  colony  in  the 
infancy  of  their  settlement,  than  after  they  should  be 
multiplied  and  naturalised  to  the  soil,  I  took  the 
advice  of  my  friend,  who,  to  prevent  such  misfortunes, 
went  always  close  shaved,  and  made  the  boy  of  our 
mess  cut  off  my  hair,  which  had  been  growing  since  I 
left  the  service  of  Lavement ;  and  the  second  mate 
lent  me  an  old  bob  wig,  to  supply  the  loss  of  that 
covering.  This  affair  being  ended,  and  everything 
adjusted  in  the  best  manner  my  circumstances  would 
permit,  the  descendant  of  Caractacus  returned,  and 
ordering  the  boy  to  bring  a  piece  of  salt  beef  from 
the  brine,  cut  off  a  slice,  and  mixed  it  with  an  equal 
quantity  of  onions,  which  seasoning  with  a  mod- 
erate proportion  of  pepper  and  salt,  he  brought  it 
[58] 


TURNING    IN    FOR    THE    NIGHT 

into  a  consistence  with  oil  and  vinegar.  Then  tasting 
the  dish,  assured  us,  it  was  the  best  salmagundy  that 
he  had  ever  made,  and  recommended  it  to  our  palate 
with  such  heartiness,  that  I  could  not  help  doing 
honour  to  his  preparation.  But  I  had  no  sooner 
swallowed  a  mouthful,  than  I  thought  my  entrails 
were  scorched,  and  endeavoured,  with  a  deluge  of 
small  beer,  to  allay  the  heat  it  occasioned.  Supper 
being  over,  Mr.  Morgan  having  smoked  a  couple  of 
pipes,  and  supplied  the  moisture  he  had  expended 
with  as  many  cans  of  flip,  of  which  we  all  partook,  a 
certain  yawning  began  to  admonish  me,  that  it  was 
high  time  to  repair  by  sleep  the  injury  I  had  suffered 
from  want  of  rest  the  preceding  night ;  which  being 
perceived  by  my  companions,  whose  time  of  repose 
was  now  arrived,  they  proposed  we  should  turn  in,  or, 
in  other  words,  go  to  bed.  Our  hammocks,  which 
hung  parallel  to  one  another  on  the  outside  of  the 
berth,  were  immediately  unlashed,  and  I  beheld  my 
messmates  spring  with  great  agility  into  their  respec- 
tive nests,  where  they  seemed  to  lie  concealed,  very 
much  at  their  ease.  But  it  was  some  time  before  I 
could  prevail  upon  myself  to  trust  rny  carcass  at  such 
a  distance  from  the  ground,  in  a  narrow  bag,  out  of 
which  I  imagined  I  should  be  apt,  on  the  least  motion 
in  my  sleep,  to  tumble  down  at  the  hazard  of  breaking 
my  bones.  I  suffered  myself,  however,  to  be  persuaded, 
and,  taking  a  leap  to  get  in,  threw  myself  quite  over 
with  such  violence  that,  had  I  not  luckily  got  hold  of 
Thomson's  hammock,  I  should  have  pitched  upon  my 
head  on  the  other  side,  and  in  all  likelihood  fractured 
my  skull.  After  some  fruitless  efforts,  I  succeeded  at 
[59] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

last ;  but  the  apprehension  of  the  jeopardy  in  which  I 
believed  myself  withstood  all  the  attacks  of  sleep,  till 
towards  the  morning  watch,  when,  in  spite  of  my  fears, 
I  was  overpowered  with  slumber,  though  I  did  not 
long  enjoy  this  comfortable  situation  ;  being  aroused 
with  a  noise  so  loud  and  shrill,  that  I  thought  the 
drums  of  my  ears  were  burst  by  it ;  this  was  followed 
by  a  dreadful  summons  pronounced  by  a  hoarse  voice, 
which  I  could  not  understand.  While  I  was  debat- 
ing with  myself  whether  or  not  I  should  wake  my 
companion,  and  inquire  into  the  occasion  of  this  dis- 
turbance, I  was  informed  by  one  of  the  quarter- 
masters, who  passed  by  me  with  a  lantern  in  his  hand, 
that  the  noise  that  alarmed  me  was  occasioned  by  the 
boatswain's  mates,  who  called  up  the  larboard  watch, 
and  that  I  must  lay  my  account  with  such  interrup- 
tion every  morning  at  the  same  hour.  Being  now 
more  assured  of  my  safety,  I  addressed  myself  again  to 
rest,  and  slept  till  eight  o'clock,  when  rising,  and 
breakfasting  with  my  comrades  on  biscuit  and  brandy, 
the  sick  were  visited  and  assisted  as  before;  after 
which  visitation  my  good  friend  Thomson  explained 
and  performed  another  piece  of  duty,  to  which  I  was 
a  stranger.  At  a  certain  hour  in  the  morning,  the 
boy  of  the  mess  went  round  all  the  decks,  ringing  a 
small  hand-bell,  and,  in  rhymes  composed  for  the 
occasion,  invited  all  those  who  had  sores  to  repair 
before  the  mast,  where  one  of  the  doctor's  mates 
attended,  with  applications  to  dress  them. 


[60] 


CHAPTER    TWENTY-SEVEN 

I  ACQUIRE  THE  FRIENDSHIP   OF  THE   SURGEON,  WHO  PRO- 
CURES    A     WARRANT     FOR    ME,    AND     MAKES    ME    A 

PRESENT     OF      CLOTHES A     BATTLE      BETWEEN     A 

MIDSHIPMAN      AND      ME THE      SURGEON      LEAVES 

THE    SHIP THE    CAPTAIN    COMES   ON    BOARD    WITH 

ANOTHER    SURGEON A     DIALOGUE     BETWEEN    THE 

CAPTAIN   AND    MORGAN THE    SICK    ARE    ORDERED 

TO    BE     BROUGHT     UPON     THE     QUARTER-DECK      AND 

EXAMINED THE    CONSEQUENCES    OF    THAT    ORDER 

A   MADMAN    ACCUSES    MORGAN,    AND    IS    SET    AT 

LIBERTY  BY  COMMAND   OF  THE  CAPTAIN,   WHOM   HE 
INSTANTLY  ATTACKS  AND  POMMELS  WITHOUT  MERCY. 

WHILE  I  was  busied  with  my  friend  in 
this  practice,  the  doctor  chanced  to 
pass  by  the  place  where  we  were,  and, 
stopping  to  observe  me,  appeared  very 
well  satisfied  with  my  method  of  application  ;  and 
afterwards  sent  for  me  to  his  cabin,  where,  having 
examined  me  touching  my  skill  in  surgery,  and  the 
particulars  of  my  fortune,  he  interested  himself  so 
far  in  my  behalf,  as  to  promise  his  assistance  in  pro- 
curing a  warrant  for  me,  seeing  I  had  been  already 
found  qualified  at  Surgeons1  Hall  for  the  station  I 
filled  on  board ;  and  in  this  good  office  he  the  more 
cordially  engaged,  when  he  understood  I  was  nephew 
to  Lieutenant   Bowling,   for  whom  he  expressed  a 
[61] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

particular  regard.  In  the  meantime,  I  could  learn 
from  his  discourse,  that  he  did  not  intend  to  go 
to  sea  again  with  Captain  Oakum,  having,  as  he 
thought,  been  indifferently  used  by  him  during  the 
last  voyage. 

While  I  lived  tolerably  easy,  in  expectation  of 
preferment,  I  was  not  altogether  without  mortifica- 
tions, which  I  not  only  suffered  from  the  rude  insults 
of  the  sailors  and  petty  officers,  among  whom  I  was 
known  by  the  name  of  Loblolly  Boy,  but  also  from  the 
disposition  of  Morgan,  who,  though  friendly  in  the 
main,  was  often  very  troublesome  with  his  pride, 
which  expected  a  good  deal  of  submission  from  me, 
and  delighted  in  recapitulating  the  favours  which  I 
had  received  at  his  hands. 

About  six  weeks  after  my  arrival  on  board,  the 
surgeon  bidding  me  to  follow  him  into  his  cabin, 
presented  a  warrant  to  me,  by  which  I  was  appointed 
surgeon'is  third  mate  on  board  the  Thunder.  This 
he  had  procured  by  his  interest  at  the  Navy  Office  ; 
as  also  another  for  himself,  by  virtue  of  which  he  was 
removed  into  a  second  rate.  I  acknowledged  his 
kindness  in  the  strongest  terms  my  gratitude  could 
suggest,  and  professed  my  sorrow  at  the  prospect  of 
losing  so  valuable  a  friend,  to  whom  I  hoped  to  have 
recommended  myself  still  further  by  my  respectful 
and  diligent  behaviour.  But  his  generosity  did  not 
stop  here ;  for,  before  he  left  the  ship,  he  made  me 
a  present  of  a  chest  and  some  clothes,  that  enabled 
me  to  support  the  rank  to  which  he  had  raised  me. 
I  found  my  spirit  revive  with  my  good  fortune ;  and, 
now  I  was  an  officer,  resolved  to  maintain  the  dig- 
[62] 


CRAMPLEY'S    DEFEAT 

irity  of  my  station,  against  all  opposition  or  affronts. 
Nor  was  it  long  before  I  had  occasion  to  exert  my 
resolution.  My  old  enemy  the  midshipman,  whose 
name  was  Crampley,  entertaining  an  implacable  ani- 
mosity against  me  for  the  disgrace  he  had  suffered 
on  my  account,  had  since  that  time  taken  all  oppor- 
tunities of  reviling  and  ridiculing  me,  when  I  was 
not  entitled  to  retort  this  bad  usage.  And  even 
after  I  had  been  rated  on  the  books  and  mustered 
as  surgeon's  mate,  he  did  not  think  fit  to  restrain 
his  insolence.  In  particular,  being  one  day  present 
while  1  dressed  a  wound  in  a  sailor's  leg,  he  began  to 
sing  a  song,  which  I  thought  highly  injurious  to  the 
honour  of  my  country,  and  therefore  signified  my  re- 
sentment, by  observing,  that  the  Scots  always  laid 
their  account  with  finding  enemies  among  the  igno- 
rant, insignificant,  and  malicious.  This  unexpected 
piece  of  assurance  enraged  him  to  such  a  degree,  that 
he  lent  me  a  blow  on  the  face,  which  I  verily  thought 
had  demolished  my  cheekbone ;  I  was  not  slow  in 
returning  the  obligation,  and  the  affair  began  to  be 
very  serious,  when  by  accident  Mr.  Morgan  and 
one  of  the  master's  mates,  coming  that  way,  inter- 
posed, and  inquiring  into  the  cause,  endeavoured 
to  promote  a  reconciliation  ;  but  finding  us  both 
exasperated  to  the  uttermost,  and  bent  against 
accommodation,  they  advised  us  either  to  leave 
our  difference  undecided  till  we  should  have  an 
opportunity  of  terminating  it  on  shore,  like  gentle- 
men, or  else  choose  a  proper  place  on  board,  and  bring 
it  to  an  issue  by  boxing.  This  last  expedient  was 
greedily  embraced  by  us  both ;  and  being  forthwith 
[63] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

conducted  to  the  ground  proposed,  we  stripped  in  a 
moment,  and  began  a  very  furious  contest,  in  which 
I  soon  found  myself  inferior  to  my  antagonist,  not  so 
much  in  strength  and  agility,  as  in  skill,  which  he 
had  acquired  in  the  school  of  Hockley  in  the  Hole 
and  Tottenham  Court.  Many  cross-buttocks  did  I 
sustain,  and  pegs  on  the  stomach  without  number, 
till  at  last  my  breath  being  quite  gone,  as  well  as  my 
vigour  wasted,  I  grew  desperate,  and  collecting  all 
my  strength  in  one  effort,  threw  in  at  once,  head, 
hands,  and  feet,  with  such  violence,  that  I  drove  my 
antagonist  three  paces  backward  into  the  main  hatch- 
way, down  which  he  fell,  and  pitching  upon  his  head 
and  right  shoulder,  remained  without  sense  and  mo- 
tion. Morgan,  looking  down,  and  seeing  him  lie  in 
that  condition,  cried,  "  Upon  my  conscience,  as  I  am 
a  Christian  sinner,  look  you,  I  believe  his  patties  are 
all  ofer ;  but  I  take  you  all  to  witness  that  there  was 
no  treachery  in  the  case,  and  that  he  has  suffered  by 
the  chance  of  war."  So  saying,  he  descended  to  the 
deck  below,  to  examine  into  the  situation  of  my  ad- 
versary ;  and  left  me  very  little  pleased  with  my 
victory,  as  I  found  myself  not  only  terribly  bruised, 
but  likewise  in  danger  of  being  called  to  account  for 
the  death  of  Crampley.  But  this  fear  vanished  when 
my  fellow-mate,  having,  by  bleeding  him  in  the  jug- 
ular, brought  him  to  himself,  and  inquired  into  the 
state  of  his  body,  called  up  to  me  to  be  under  no 
concern,  for  the  midshipman  had  received  no  other 
damage  than  as  pretty  a  luxation  of  the  os  humeri  as 
one  would  desire  to  see  on  a  summer's  day.  Upon 
this  information,  I  crawled  down  to  the  cock-pit,  and 
[64] 


MORGAN    AND    CAPTAIN    OAKUM 

acquainted  Thomson  with  the  affair,  who,  providing 
himself  with  bandages,  etc.  necessary  for  the  occasion, 
went  up  to  assist  Mr.  Morgan  in  the  reduction  of  the 
dislocation.  When  this  was  successfully  performed, 
they  wished  me  joy  of  the  event  of  the  combat ;  and 
the  Welshman,  after  observing  that,  in  all  likelihood, 
the  ancient  Scots  and  Britons  were  the  same  people, 
bade  me  "  praise  Cot  for  putting  mettle  in  my  pelly, 
and  strength  in  my  limbs  to  support  it.""  I  acquired 
such  reputation  by  this  rencontre  (which  lasted  twenty 
minutes),  that  everybody  became  more  cautious  in 
behaviour  towards  me;  though  Crampley,  with  his 
arm  in  a  sling,  talked  very  high,  and  threatened  to 
seize  the  first  opportunity  of  retrieving  on  shore  the 
honour  he  had  lost  by  an  accident,  from  which  I 
could  justly  claim  no  merit. 

About  this  time,  Captain  Oakum,  having  received 
sailing  orders,  came  on  board,  and  brought  along 
with  him  a  surgeon  of  his  own  country,  who  soon 
made  us  sensible  of  the  loss  we  suffered  in  the  de- 
parture of  Doctor  Atkins  ;  for  he  was  grossly  igno- 
rant, and  intolerably  assuming,  false,  vindictive,  and 
unforgiving ;  a  merciless  tyrant  to  his  inferiors,  an 
abject  sycophant  to  those  above  him.  In  the  morn- 
ing after  the  captain  came  on  board,  our  first  mate, 
according  to  custom,  went  to  wait  on  him  with  a  sick 
list,  which  when  this  grim  commander  had  perused, 
he  cried  with  a  stern  countenance,  "  Blood  and  oons ! 
sixty-one  sick  people  on  board  of  my  ship  !  Harkee, 
you  sir,  I  '11  have  no  sick  in  my  ship,  by  G — d."  The 
Welshman  replied,  he  should  be  very  glad  to  find  no 
sick  people  on  board  ;  but  while  it  was  otherwise,  he 

VOL.  II.  —  5  [   65  ] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

did  no  more  than  his  duty  in  presenting  him  with  a 
list.  "  You  and  your  list  may  be  d — d,"  said  the 
captain,  throwing  it  at  him ;  "  I  say,  there  shall  be 
no  sick  in  this  ship  while  I  have  the  command  of 
her."  Mr.  Morgan  being  nettled  at  this  treatment, 
told  him,  his  indignation  ought  to  be  directed  to  Cot 
Almighty,  who  visited  his  people  with  distempers, 
and  not  to  him,  who  contributed  all  in  his  power 
towards  their  cure.  The  bashaw  not  being  used  to 
such  behaviour  in  any  of  his  officers,  was  enraged  to 
fury  at  this  satirical  insinuation  ;  and  stamping  with 
his  foot,  called  him  insolent  scoundrel,  threatening  to 
have  him  pinioned  to  the  deck,  if  he  should  presume 
to  utter  another  syllable.  But  the  blood  of  Car- 
actacus  being  thoroughly  heated,  disdained  to  be 
restricted  by  such  a  command,  and  began  to  manifest 
itself  in,  "Captain  Oagum,  I  am  a  shentleman  of 
birth  and  parentage,  look  you,  and  peradventure  I 
am  moreover  "  —  Here  his  harangue  was  broke  off  by 
the  captain's  steward,  who,  being  Morgan's  country- 
man, hurried  him  out  of  the  cabin  before  he  had 
time  to  exasperate  his  master  to  a  greater  degree  : 
and  this  would  certainly  have  been  the  case  ;  for  the 
indignant  Welshman  could  hardly  be  hindered,  by 
his  friend's  arguments  and  entreaties,  from  re-enter- 
ing the  presence-chamber,  and  defying  Captain 
Oakum  to  his  teeth.  He  was,  however,  appeased 
at  length,  and  came  down  to  the  berth,  where,  find- 
ing Thomson  and  me  at  work  preparing  medicines, 
he  bade  us  leave  off  our  labour  and  go  to  play,  for 
the  captain,  by  his  sole  word,  and  power,  and  com- 
mand, had  driven  sickness  a  pegging  to  the  tevil,  and 
[66] 


HEALING    THE    SICK 

there  was  no  more  malady  on  board.  So  saying,  he 
drank  off  a  gill  of  brandy,  sighed  grievously  three 
times,  poured  forth  an  ejaculation  of  "  Cot  pless  my 
heart,  liver,  and  lungs ! "  and  then  began  to  sing  a 
Welsh  song  with  great  earnestness  of  visage,  voice, 
and  gesture.  I  could  not  conceive  the  meaning  of 
this  singular  phenomenon,  and  saw  by  the  looks  of 
Thomson,  who  at  the  same  time  shook  his  head, 
that  he  suspected  poor  Cadwallader's  brains  were 
unsettled. 

He  perceiving  our  amazement,  told  us  he  would 
explain  the  mystery ;  but  at  the  same  time  bade  us 
take  notice,  that  he  had  lived  poy,  patchelor,  mar- 
ried man,  and  widower,  almost  forty  years,  and,  in 
all  that  time,  there  was  no  man  nor  mother's  son  in 
the  whole  world  who  durst  use  him  so  ill  as  Captain 
Oagum  had  done.  Then  he  acquainted  us  with  the 
dialogue  that  passed  between  them,  as  I  have  already 
related  it ;  and  had  no  sooner  finished  this  narration, 
than  he  received  a  message  from  the  surgeon,  to 
bring  the  sick  list  to  the  quarter-deck,  for  the 
captain  had  ordered  all  the  patients  thither  to  be 
reviewed.  This  inhuman  order  shocked  us  extremely, 
as  we  knew  it  would  be  impossible  to  carry  some  of 
them  on  the  deck,  without  imminent  danger  of  their 
lives ;  but,  as  we  likewise  knew  it  would  be  to  no 
purpose  for  us  to  remonstrate  against  it,  we  repaired 
to  the  quarter-deck  in  a  body,  to  see  this  extraordin- 
ary muster ;  Morgan  observing  by  the  way,  that  the 
captain  was  going  to  send  to  the  other  world  a  great 
many  evidences  to  testify  against  himself.  When  we 
appeared  upon  deck,  the  captain  bade  the  doctor, 
[67] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

who  stood  bowing  at  his  right  hand,  look  at  thesa 
lazy  lubberly  sons  of  bitches,  who  were  good  for 
nothing  on  board  but  to  eat  the  king's  provision, 
and  encourage  idleness  in  the  skulkers.  The  surgeon 
grinned  approbation,  and  taking  the  list,  began  to 
examine  the  complaints  of  each,  as  they  could  crawl 
to  the  place  appointed.  The  first  who  came  under 
his  cognizance  was  a  poor  fellow  just  freed  of  a  fever, 
which  had  weakened  him  so  much,  that  he  could 
hardly  stand.  Mr.  Mackshane  (for  that  was  the  doc- 
tor's name)  having  felt  his  pulse,  protested  he  was  as 
well  as  any  man  in  the  world  ;  and  the  captain  de- 
livered him  over  to  the  boatswain's  mate,  with  orders 
that  he  should  receive  a  round  dozen  at  the  gangway 
immediately,  for  counterfeiting  himself  sick  ;  but  be- 
fore the  discipline  could  be  executed,  the  man  dropped 
down  on  the  deck,  and  had  well-nigh  perished  under 
the  hands  of  the  executioner.  The  next  patient  to 
be  considered,  laboured  under  a  quartan  ague,  and 
being  then  in  his  interval  of  health,  discovered  no 
other  symptoms  of  distemper  than  a  pale  meagre 
countenance,  and  emaciated  body ;  upon  which,  he 
was  declared  fit  for  duty,  and  turned  over  to  the 
boatswain :  but  being  resolved  to  disgrace  the  doc- 
tor, died  upon  the  forecastle  next  day,  during  his 
cold  fit.  The  third  complained  of  a  pleuritic  stitch, 
and  spitting  of  blood ;  for  which  Doctor  Mackshane 
prescribed  exercise  at  the  pump,  to  promote  expec- 
toration ;  but  whether  this  was  improper  for  one  in 
his  situation,  or  that  it  was  used  to  excess,  I  know 
not ;  for  in  less  than  half  an  hour  he  was  suffocated 
with  a  deluge  of  blood  that  issued  from  his  lungs. 
[68] 


HEALING    THE    SICK 

A  fourth,  with  much  difficulty,  climbed  to  the  quarter- 
deck, being  loaded  with  a  monstrous  ascites  or  dropsy, 
that  invaded  his  chest  so  much,  he  could  scarce 
fetch  his  breath ;  but  his  disease  being  interpreted 
into  fat,  occasioned  by  idleness  and  excess  of  eating, 
he  was  ordered,  with  a  view  to  promote  perspiration, 
and  enlarge  his  chest,  to  go  aloft  immediately :  it 
was  in  vain  for  this  unwieldy  wretch  to  allege 
his  utter  incapacity ;  the  boatswain's  driver  was 
commanded  to  whip  him  up  with  a  cat-o'-nine-tails  ; 
the  smart  of  this  application  made  him  exert  himself 
so  much,  that  he  actually  arrived  at  the  puttock 
shrouds ;  but  when  the  enormous  weight  of  his 
body  had  nothing  else  to  support  it  than  his  weak- 
ened arms,  either  out  of  spite  or  necessity,  he  quitted 
his  hold,  and  plumped  into  the  sea,  where  he  must 
have  been  drowned,  had  not  a  sailor,  who  was  in  a 
boat  alongside,  saved  his  life,  by  keeping  him  afloat 
till  he  was  hoisted  on  board  by  a  tackle. 

It  would  be  tedious  and  disagreeable  to  describe  the 
.ate  of  every  miserable  object  that  suffered  by  the 
inhumanity  and  ignorance  of  the  captain  and  surgeon, 
who  so  wantonly  sacrificed  the  lives  of  their  fellow- 
creatures.  Many  were  brought  up  in  the  height  of 
fevers,  and  rendered  delirious  by  the  injuries  they 
received  in  the  way.  Some  gave  up  the  ghost  in  the 
presence  of  their  inspectors  ;  and  others,  who  were 
ordered  to  their  duty,  languished  a  few  days  at 
work  among  their  fellows,  and  then  departed  without 
any  ceremony.  On  the  whole,  the  number  of  the 
sick  was  reduced  to  less  than  a  dozen;  and  the 
authors  of  this  reduction  were  applauding  themselves 
[69] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

for  the  services  they  had  done  to  their  king  and 
country,  when  the  boatswain's  mate  informed  his 
honour,  that  there  was  a  man  below  lashed  to  his 
hammock  by  the  direction  of  the  doctor's  mate,  and 
that  he  begged  hard  to  be  released ;  affirming,  he 
had  been  so  maltreated  only  for  a  grudge  Mr.  Mor- 
gan bore  him,  and  that  he  was  as  much  in  his  senses 
as  any  man  aboard.  The  captain  hearing  this,  darted 
a  severe  look  at  the  Welshman,  and  ordered  the  man 
to  be  brought  up  immediately  ;  upon  which  Morgan 
protested  with  great  fervency,  that  the  person  in 
question  was  as  mad  as  a  March-hare ;  and  begged 
for  the  love  of  Cot,  they  would  at  least  keep  his  arms 
pinioned  during  his  examination,  to  prevent  him 
from  doing  mischief.  This  request  the  commander 
granted  for  his  own  sake,  and  the  patient  was 
produced,  who  insisted  upon  his  being  in  his  right 
wits  with  such  calmness  and  strength  of  argument, 
that  everybody  present  was  inclined  to  believe  him, 
except  Morgan,  who  affirmed  there  was  no  trusting 
to  appearances;  for  he  himself  had  been  so  much 
imposed  upon  by  his  behaviour  two  days  before,  that 
he  had  actually  unbound  him  with  his  own  hands, 
and  had  well-nigh  been  murdered  for  his  pains. 
This  was  confirmed  by  the  evidence  of  one  of  the 
waiters,  who  declared  he  had  pulled  this  patient 
from  the  doctor's  mate,  whom  he  had  gotten  down 
and  almost  strangled.  To  this  the  man  answered, 
that  the  witness  was  a  creature  of  Morgan's,  and  was 
suborned  to  give  his  testimony  against  him  by  the 
malice  of  the  mate,  whom  the  defendant  had  af- 
fronted, by  discovering  to  the  people  on  board  that 
(.70  J 


RELEASE    OF    A    MADMAN 

Mr.  Morgan's  wife  kept  a  gin-shop  in  Rag-Fair. 
This  anecdote  produced  a  laugh  at  the  expense  of  the 
Welshman,  who,  shaking  his  head  with  some  emo- 
tion, said,  "  Ay,  ay,  't  is  no  matter.  Cot  knows,  it  is 
an  arrant  falsehood."  Captain  Oakum,  without  any 
further  hesitation,  ordered  the  fellow  to  be  unfet- 
tered ;  at  the  same  time,  threatening  to  make  Mor- 
gan exchange  situations  with  him  for  his  spite.  But 
the  Briton  no  sooner  heard  the  decision  in  favor  of 
the  madman,  than  he  got  up  the  mizen  shrouds, 
crying  to  Thomson  and  me  to  get  out  of  his  reach, 
for  we  would  see  him  play  the  devil  with  a  vengeance. 
We  did  not  think  fit  to  disregard  his  caution,  and 
accordingly  got  up  on  the  poop,  whence  we  beheld 
the  maniac,  as  soon  as  he  was  released,  fly  at  the  cap- 
tain, like  a  fury,  crying,  "  I  '11  let  you  know,  you 
scoundrel,  that  I  am  commander  of  this  vessel,"  and 
pommel  him  without  mercy.  The  surgeon,  who 
went  to  the  assistance  of  his  patron,  shared  the  same 
fate ;  and  it  was  with  the  utmost  difficulty  that  he 
was  mastered  at  last,  after  having  done  great  execu- 
tion among  those  who  opposed  him. 


[71] 


CHAPTER  TWENTY-EIGHT 

THE    CAPTAIN    ENRAGED,   THREATENS    TO   PUT   THE    MAD- 
MAN TO  DEATH  WITH  HIS  OWN  HAND IS  DIVERTED 

FROM  THAT  RESOLUTION  BY  THE  ARGUMENTS  AND 
PERSUASIONS  OF  THE  FIRST  LIEUTENANT  AND  SUR- 
GEON  WE  SET  SAIL  FOR  ST.  HELENAS,  JOIN  THE 

FLEET  UNDER  THE  COMMAND    OF    SIR  C N R 

O LE,  AND    PROCEED    FOR    THE    WEST    INDIES 

ARE  OVERTAKEN  BY  A  TERRIBLE  TEMPEST  — -  MY 
FRIEND  JACK  RATTLIN  HAS  HIS  LEG  BROKE  BY  A 

FALL    FROM    THE   MAINYARD THE    BEHAVIOUR    OF 

DR.    MACKSHANE JACK   OPPOSES  THE  AMPUTATION 

OF  HIS  LIMB,  IN  WHICH  HE  IS  SECONDED  BY  MORGAN 
AND  ME,  WHO  UNDERTAKE  THE  CURE,  AND  PERFORM 
IT  SUCCESSFULLY. 


Y~       """^HE  captain  was  carried  into  his  cabin, 
so  enraged  with  the  treatment  he  had 
received,  that  he  ordered  the  fellow  to 
JL.        be  brought  before  him,  that  he  might 
have  the  pleasure  of  pistolling  him  with  his  own 
hand ;  and  would  certainly  have  satisfied  his  revenge 
in  this  manner,  had  not  the  first  lieutenant  remon- 
strated against  it,  by  observing,  that,  in  all  appear- 
ance, the  fellow  was  not  mad  but  desperate;  that 
he  had  been  hired  by  some  enemy  of  the  captain  to 
assassinate  him,  and  therefore  ought  to  be  kept  in 
irons  till  he  could  be  brought  to  a  court-martial, 
which,  no  doubt,  would  sift  the  affair  to  the  bottom, 
[72] 


BOUND    FOR    THE    WEST    INDIES 

by  which  means  important  discoveries  might  be  made, 
and  then  sentence  the  criminal  to  a  death  adequate 
to  his  demerits.  This  suggestion,  improbable  as  il 
was,  had  the  desired  effect  upon  the  captain,  being 
exactly  calculated  for  the  meridian  of  his  intellects ; 
more  especially  as  Doctor  Mackshane  espoused  this 
opinion,  in  consequence  of  his  previous  declaration 
that  the  man  was  not  mad.  Morgan  finding  there 
was  no  more  damage  done,  could  not  help  discover- 
ing by  his  countenance,  the  pleasure  he  enjoyed  on 
this  occasion ;  and  while  he  bathed  the  doctor's  face 
with  an  embrocation,  ventured  to  ask  him,  whether 
he  thought  there  were  more  fools  or  madmen  on 
board  ?  But  he  would  have  been  wiser  in  contain- 
ing this  sally,  which  his  patient  carefully  laid  up  in 
his  memory,  to  be  taken  notice  of  at  a  more  fit 
season.  Meanwhile,  we  weighed  anchor,  and  on  our 
way  to  the  Downs,  the  madman,  who  was  treated  as 
a  prisoner,  took  an  opportunity,  while  the  sentinel 
attended  him  at  the  head,  to  leap  overboard,  and 
frustrate  the  revenge  of  the  captain.  We  stayed 
not  long  at  the  Downs,  but  took  the  benefit  of  the 
first  easterly  wind  to  go  round  to  Spithead ;  where 
having  received  on  board  provisions  for  six  months, 
we  sailed  from  St.  Helen's  in  the  grand  fleet  bound 
for  the  West  Indies,  on  the  ever-memorable  expedi- 
tion of  Carthagena. 

It  was  not  without  great  mortification  I  saw  myself 
on  the  point  of  being  transported  to  such  a  distant 
and  unhealthy  climate,  destitute  of  every  convenience 
that  could  render  such  a  voyage  supportable;  and 
under  the  dominion  of  an  arbitrary  tyrant,  whose 
[78] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

command  was  almost  intolerable.  However,  as  these 
complaints  were  common  to  a  great  many  on  board, 
I  resolved  to  submit  patiently  to  my  fate,  and  con- 
trive to  make  myself  as  easy  as  the  nature  of  the  case 
would  allow.  We  got  out  of  the  Channel  with  a 
prosperous  breeze,  which  died  away,  leaving  us  be- 
calmed about  fifty  leagues  to  the  westward  of  the 
Lizard.  But  this  state  of  inaction  did  not  last  long ; 
for  next  night  our  main-top  sail  was  split  by  the 
wind,  which  in  the  morning  increased  to  a  hurricane. 
I  was  wakened  by  a  most  horrible  din,  occasioned 
by  the  play  of  the  gun  carriages  upon  the  deck  above, 
the  cracking  of  cabins,  the  howling  of  the  wind 
through  the  shrouds,  the  confused  noise  of  the  ship's 
crew,  the  pipes  of  the  boatswain  and  his  mates,  the 
trumpets  of  the  lieutenants,  and  the  clanking  of  the 
chain  pumps.  Morgan,  who  had  never  been  at  sea 
before,  turned  out  in  a  great  hurry,  crying,  "  Cot 
have  mercy  and  compassion  upon  us  !  I  believe  we 
have  got  upon  the  confines  of  Lucifer  and  the 
d — d !  "  while  poor  Thomson  lay  quaking  in  his 
hammock,  putting  up  petitions  to  Heaven  for  our 
safety.  I  rose  and  joined  the  Welshman,  with  whom 
(after  having  fortified  ourselves  with  brandy)  I  went 
above ;  but,  if  my  sense  of  hearing  was  startled 
before,  how  must  my  sight  have  been  appalled  in 
beholding  the  effects  of  the  storm  !  The  sea  was 
swelled  into  billows  mountain  high,  on  the  top  of 
which,  our  ship  sometimes  hung  as  if  it  was  about 
to  be  precipitated  to  the  abyss  below !  Sometimes 
we  sunk  between  two  waves  that  rose  on  each  side 
higher  than  our  topmast  head,  and  threatened,  by 
[74] 


dashing  together,  to  overwhelm  us  in  a  moment! 
Of  all  our  fleet,  consisting  of  a  hundred  and  fifty 
sail,  scarce  twelve  appeared,  and  these  driving  under 
their  bare  poles,  at  the  mercy  of  the  tempest.  At 
length  the  mast  of  one  of  them  gave  way,  and 
tumbled  overboard  with  a  hideous  crash !  Nor  was 
the  prospect  in  our  own  ship  much  more  agreeable;  a 
number  of  officers  and  sailors  ran  backward  and  for- 
ward with  distraction  in  their  looks,  hallooing  to  one 
another,  and  undetermined  what  they  should  attend 
to  first.  Some  clung  to  the  yards,  endeavouring  to 
unbend  the  sails  that  were  split  into  a  thousand 
pieces  flapping  in  the  wind;  others  tried  to  furl 
those  which  were  yet  whole,  while  the  masts,  at 
every  pitch,  bent  and  quivered  like  twigs,  as  if  they 
would  have  shivered  into  innumerable  splinters ! 
While  I  considered  this  scene  with  equal  terror  and 
astonishment,  one  of  the  main  braces  broke,  by  the 
shock  whereof  two  sailors  were  flung  from  the  yard's 
arm  into  the  sea,  where  they  perished,  and  poor  Jack 
Rattlin  was  thrown  down  upon  the  deck,  at  the 
expense  of  a  broken  leg.  Morgan  and  I  ran  imme- 
diately to  his  assistance,  and  found  a  splinter  of  the 
shin-bone  thrust  by  the  violence  of  the  fall  through 
the  skin.  As  this  was  a  case  of  too  great  conse- 
quence to  be  treated  without  the  authority  of  the 
doctor,  I  went  down  to  his  cabin  to  inform  him  of 
the  accident,  as  well  as  to  bring  up  dressings,  which 
we  always  kept  ready  prepared.  I  entered  his  apart- 
ment without  any  ceremony,  and  by  the  glimmering 
of  a  lamp,  perceived  him  on  his  knees,  before  some- 
thing that  very  much  resembled  a  crucifix  ;  but  this 
[75] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

I  will  not  insist  upon,  that  I  may  not  seem  too  much 
a  slave  to  common  report,  which  indeed  assisted  my 
conjecture  on  this  occasion,  by  representing  Doctor 
Mackshane  as  a  member  of  the  Church  of  Rome. 
Be  this  as  it  will,  he  got  up  in  a  sort  of  confusion, 
occasioned,  I  suppose,  by  his  being  disturbed  in  his 
devotion,  and,  in  a  trice,  snatched  the  subject  of  my 
suspicion  from  my  sight. 

After  making  an  apology  for  my  intrusion,  I 
acquainted  him  with  the  situation  of  Rattlin,  but 
could  by  no  means  prevail  upon  him  to  visit  him  on 
deck,  where  he  lay.  He  bade  me  desire  the  boat- 
swain to  order  some  of  the  men  to  carry  him  down  to 
the  cock-pit,  and  in  the  meantime,  said  he,  I  will 
direct  Thomson  to  get  ready  the  dressings.  When  I 
signified  to  the  boatswain  the  doctor's  desire,  he 
swore  a  terrible  oath,  that  he  could  not  spare  one 
man  from  the  deck,  because  he  expected  the  mast 
would  go  by  the  board  every  minute.  This  piece  of 
information  did  not  at  all  contribute  to  my  peace  of 
mind ;  however,  as  my  friend  Rattlin  complained 
very  much,  with  the  assistance  of  Morgan,  I  sup- 
ported him  to  the  lower  deck,  whither  Mr.  Mack- 
shane, after  much  entreaty,  ventured  to  come, 
attended  by  Thomson,  with  a  box  full  of  dressings, 
and  his  own  servant,  who  carried  a  whole  set  of  capi- 
tal instruments.  He  examined  the  fracture  and  the 
wound,  and  concluding,  from  a  livid  colour  extending 
itself  upon  the  limb,  that  a  mortification  would  en- 
sue, resolved  to  amputate  the  leg  immediately.  This 
was  a  dreadful  sentence  to  the  patient,  who,  recruit- 
ing himself  with  a  quid  of  tobacco,  pronounced,  with 
[76] 


JACK    RATTLIN'S    LEG    SAVED 

a  woeful  countenance,  "  What !  is  there  no  remedy, 
doctor  ?  —  must  I  be  dock'd  ?  —  can't  you  splice  it  ?  " 
"  Assuredly,  Doctor  Mackshane,"  said  the  first  mate, 
"  with  submission,  and  deference,  and  veneration,  to 
your  superior  abilities,  and  opportunities,  and  sta- 
tions, look  you,  I  do  apprehend,  and  conjecture,  and 
aver,  that  there  is  no  occasion  nor  necessity  to  smite 
off  this  poor  man's  leg."  "  God  Almighty  bless  you, 
dear  Welshman !  "  cried  Rattlin,  "  may  you  have  fair 
wind  and  weather  wheresoever  you  're  bound,  and 
come  to  an  anchor  in  the  Road  of  Heaven  at  last." 
Mackshane,  very  much  incensed  at  his  mate's  differing 
in  opinion  from  him  so  openly,  answered,  that  he 
was  not  bound  to  give  an  account  of  his  practice  to 
him  ;  and,  in  a  peremptory  tone,  ordered  him  to 
apply  the  tourniquet ;  at  the  sight  of  which,  Jack, 
starting  up,  cried,  "  Avast,  avast !  d — n  my  heart,  if 
you  clap  your  nippers  on  me,  till  I  know  wherefore ! 
Mr.  Random,  won't  you  lend  a  hand  towards  saving 
my  precious  limb  ?  Odds  heart,  if  Lieutenant  Bowl- 
ing was  here,  he  would  not  suffer  Jack  Rattlin's  leg 
to  be  chopped  off  like  a  piece  of  old  junk."  This 
pathetic  address  to  me,  joined  to  my  inclination  to 
serve  my  honest  friend,  and  the  reasons  I  had  to  be- 
lieve there  was  no  danger  in  delaying  the  amputation, 
induced  me  to  declare  myself  of  the  first  mate's 
opinion,  and  affirm,  that  the  preternatural  colour  of 
the  skin  was  owing  to  an  inflammation  occasioned  by 
a  contusion,  and  common  in  all  such  cases,  without 
any  indication  of  an  approaching  gangrene.  Morgan, 
who  had  a  great  opinion  of  my  skill,  manifestly  ex- 
ulted in  my  fellowship,  and  asked  Thomson's  senti- 
[77] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

ments  of  the  matter,  in  hopes  of  strengthening  our 
association  with  him  too  ;  but  he,  being  of  a  meek  dis- 
position, and  either  dreading  the  enmity  of  the  sur- 
geon, or  speaking  the  dictates  of  his  own  judgment, 
in  a  modest  manner,  espoused  the  opinion  of  Mack- 
shane,  who,  by  this  time,  having  consulted  with  him- 
self, determined  to  act  in  such  a  manner  as  to  screen 
himself  from  censure,  and  at  the  same  time  revenge 
himself  on  us  for  our  arrogance  in  contradicting 
him.  With  this  view  he  asked  if  we  would  undertake 
to  cure  the  leg  at  our  peril  —  that  is,  be  answerable 
for  the  consequence.  To  this  question  Morgan  re^ 
plied,  that  the  lives  of  his  creatures  are  in  the  hands 
of  Cot  alone ;  and  it  would  be  great  presumption  in 
him  to  undertake  for  an  event  that  was  in  the  power 
of  his  Maker,  no  more  than  the  doctor  could  promise 
to  cure  all  the  sick  to  whom  he  administered  his 
assistance;  but  if  the  patient  would  put  himself 
under  our  direction,  we  would  do  our  endeavour  to 
bring  his  distemper  to  a  favourable  issue,  to  which, 
at  present,  we  saw  no  obstruction.  I  signified  my 
concurrence ;  and  Rattlin  was  so  overjoyed,  that, 
shaking  us  both  by  the  hands,  he  swore  nobody  else 
should  touch  him,  and  if  he  died,  his  blood  should  be 
upon  his  own  head.  Mr.  Mackshane,  flattering  him- 
self with  the  prospect  of  our  miscarriage,  went  away, 
and  left  us  to  manage  it  as  we  should  think  proper. 
Accordingly,  having  sawed  off  part  of  the  splinter 
that  stuck  through  the  skin,  we  reduced  the  fracture, 
dressed  the  wound,  applied  the  eighteen-tailed  ban- 
dage, and  put  the  leg  in  a  box,  secundum  artem. 
Everything  succeeded  according  to  our  wish,  and  we 
[78] 


JACK    RATTLIN'S    LEG    SAVED 

had  the  satisfaction  of  not  only  preserving  the  poor 
fellow's  leg,  but  likewise  of  rendering  the  doctor  con- 
temptible among  the  ship's  company,  who  had  all 
their  eyes  on  us  during  the  course  of  this  cure,  which 
was  completed  in  six  weeks. 


[79] 


CHAPTER    TWENTY-NINE 

MACKSHANE'S  MALICE  —  i  AM  TAKEN  UP  AND  IMPRISONED 

FOR  A  SPY  MORGAN  MEETS  WITH  THE  SAME  FATE 

—  THOMSON  IS  TAMPERED  WITH  TO  TURN  EVIDENCE 
AGAINST  US DISDAINS  THE  PROPOSAL,  AND  IS 

MALTREATED  FOR  HIS  INTEGRITY MORGAN  IS  RE- 
LEASED TO  ASSIST  THE  SURGEON  DURING  AN  ENGAGE- 
MENT WITH  SOME  FRENCH  SHIPS  OF  WAR I 

REMAIN  FETTERED  ON  THE  POOP,  EXPOSED  TO  THE 
ENEMY'S  SHOT,  AND  GROW  DELIRIOUS  WITH  FEAR  — 
AM  COMFORTED  AFTER  THE  BATTLE  BY  MORGAN, 
WHO  SPEAKS  FREELY  OF  THE  CAPTAIN  ;  IS  OVER- 
HEARD BY  THE  SENTINEL,  WHO  INFORMS  AGAINST 

HIM,     AND     AGAIN     IMPRISONED THOMSON     GROWS 

DESPERATE,  AND,  NOTWITHSTANDING  THE  REMON- 
STRANCES OF  MORGAN  AND  ME,  GOES  OVERBOARD  IN 
THE  NIGHT. 

IN   the   meantime,   the   storm   subsided  into  a 
brisk  gale,  that  carried  us  into  the  warm  lati- 
tudes, where  the  weather  became  intolerable, 
and  the   crew   very    sickly.     The  doctor    left 
nothing  unattempted  towards  the  completion  of  his 
vengeance  against  the  Welshman  and  me.      He  went 
among  the  sick,  under  pretence  of  inquiring  into  their 
grievances,  with  a  view  of  picking  up  complaints  to 
our  prejudice;  but  finding  himself  frustrated  in  that 
expectation,  by  the  good  will  we  had  procured   from 
the  patients  by  our  diligence  and  humanitv,  he  took 
[80] 


PUT    IN    IRONS 

the  resolution  of  listening  to  our  conversation,  by 
hiding  himself  behind  the  canvas  that  surrounded 
our  berth.  Here,  too,  he  was  detected  by  the  boy 
of  our  mess,  who  acquainted  us  with  this  piece  of 
behaviour ;  and  one  night,  while  we  were  picking  a 
large  bone  of  salt  beef,  Morgan  discerned  something 
stir  on  the  outside  of  our  hangings,  which  immedi- 
ately interpreting  to  be  the  doctor,  he  tipt  me  the 
wink,  and  pointed  to  the  place,  where  I  could  per- 
ceive somebody  standing;  upon  which  I  snatched  up 
the  bone,  and  levelled  it  with  all  my  force  at  him, 
saying,  "  Whoever  you  are,  take  that  for  your  curi- 
osity." It  had  the  desired  effect,  for  we  heard  the 
listener  tumble  down,  and  afterwards  crawl  to  his 
own  cabin.  I  applauded  myself  much  for  this  feat, 
which  turned  out  one  of  the  most  unlucky  exploits 
of  my  life,  Mackshane  from  that  time  marking  me 
out  for  destruction.  About  a  week  after  this  ex- 
ploit, as  I  was  going  my  rounds  among  the  sick,  I 
was  taken  prisoner,  and  carried  to  the  poop  by  the 
master-at-arms,  where  I  was  loaded  with  irons,  and 
stapled  to  the  deck,  on  pretence  that  I  was  a  spy  on 
board,  and  had  conspired  against  the  captain's  life. 
How  ridiculous  soever  this  imputation  was,  I  did  not 
fail  to  suffer  by  it  all  the  rigour  that  could  be  shown 
to  the  worst  of  criminals,  being  exposed  in  this 
miserable  condition  to  the  scorching  heat  of  the  sun 
by  day,  and  the  unwholesome  damps  by  night,  dur- 
ing the  space  of  twelve  days,  in  which  I  was  neither 
brought  to  trial,  nor  examined  touching  the  proba- 
bility of  the  charge. 

I  had  no  sooner  recovered  the  use  of  my  reflection, 
VOL.  ii.  — 6  81 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

which  had  been  quite  overthrown  by  this  accident, 
than  I  sent  for  Thomson,  who,  after  condoling  me  on 
the  occasion,  hinted,  that  I  owed  this  misfortune  to 
the  hatred  of  the  doctor,  who  had  given  an  informa- 
tion against  me  to  the  captain,  in  consequence  of 
which  I  was  arrested,  and  all  my  papers  seized. 
While  I  was  cursing  my  capricious  fate,  I  saw  Mor- 
gan ascend  the  poop,  guarded  by  two  corporals,  who 
made  him  sit  down  by  me,  that  he  might  be  pinioned 
in  the  same  machine.  Notwithstanding  my  situation, 
I.  could  scarce  refrain  from  laughing  at  the  counten- 
ance of  my  fellow-prisoner,  who,  without  speaking 
one  word,  allowed  his  feet  to  be  enclosed  in  the  rings 
provided  for  that  purpose ;  but  when  they  pretended 
to  fasten  him  on  his  back,  he  grew  outrageous,  and 
drawing  a  large  couteau  from  his  side-pocket,  threat- 
ened to  rip  up  the  belly  of  the  first  man  that  should 
approach  him,  in  order  to  treat  him  in  such  an 
unworthy  manner.  They  were  preparing  to  use  him 
very  roughly,  when  the  lieutenant  on  the  quarter- 
deck called  up  to  them  to  let  him  remain  as  he  was. 
He  then  crept  towards  me,  and  taking  me  by  the 
hand,  bade  me  "  put  my  trust  in  Cot ;  "  and  looking 
at  Thomson,  who  sat  by  us  trembling,  with  a  pale 
visage,  told  him,  there  were  two  more  rings  for  his 
feet,  and  he  should  be  glad  to  find  him  in  such  good 
company.  But  it  was  not  the  intention  of  our  adver- 
sary to  include  the  second  mate  in  our  fate ;  him  he 
excepted,  to  be  his  drudge  in  attending  the  sick,  and, 
if  possible,  his  evidence  against  us.  With  this  view, 
he  sounded  him  afar  off,  but  finding  his  integrity 
incorruptible,  harassed  him  so  much  out  of  spite,  that, 
[82] 


A    NAVAL    ENGAGEMENT 

in  a  short  time,  this  mild  creature  grew  weary  of  his 
life. 

While  I  and  my  fellow-prisoner  comforted  each 
other  in  our  tribulation,  the  admiral  discovered  four 
sail  to  leeward,  and  made  signal  for  our  ship  and 
four  more  to  chase  :  hereupon  everything  was  cleared 
for  an  engagement;  and  Mackshane  foreseeing  he 
should  have  occasion  for  more  assistants  than  one, 
obtained  Morgan's  liberty;  while  I  was  left  in  this 
deplorable  posture  to  the  chance  of  battle.  It  was 
almost  dark  when  we  came  up  with  the  sternmost 
chase,  which  we  hailed,  and  inquired  who  they  were  : 
they  gave  us  to  understand  they  were  French  men-of- 
war;  upon  which  Captain  Oakum  commanded  them 
to  send  their  boat  on  board  of  him  ;  but  they  refused, 
telling  him,  if  he  had  any  business  with  them,  to  come 
on  board  of  their  ship .:  he  then  threatened  to  pour 
in  a  broadside  upon  them,  which  they  promised  to 
return.  Both  sides  were  as  good  as  their  word ;  and 
the  engagement  began  with  great  fury.  The  reader 
may  guess  how  I  passed  my  time  lying  in  this  help- 
less situation,  amidst  the  terrors  of  a  sea-fight; 
expecting  every  moment  to  be  cut  asunder,  or  dashed 
in  pieces  by  the  enemy's  shot!  I  endeavoured  to 
compose  myself  as  much  as  possible,  by  reflecting  that 
I  was  not  a  whit  more  exposed  than  those  who  were 
stationed  about  me ;  but  when  I  beheld  them  employed 
without  intermission  in  annoying  the  foe,  and  encour- 
aged by  the  society  and  behaviour  of  one  another,  I 
could  easily  perceive  a  wide  difference  between  their 
condition  and  mine :  however,  I  concealed  my  agita- 
tion as  well  as  I  could,  till  the  head  of  the  officer  of 
[83J 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

the  marines,  who  stood  near  me,  being  shot  off, 
bounced  from  the  deck  athwart  my  face,  leaving  me 
well-nigh  blinded  with  brains.  I  could  contain  my- 
self no  longer,  but  began  to  bellow  with  all  the  strength 
of  my  lungs :  when  a  drummer  coming  towards 
me,  asked  if  I  was  wounded?  and  before  I  could 
answer,  received  a  great  shot  in  his  belly,  which  tore 
out  his  entrails,  and  he  fell  flat  on  my  breast. 
This  accident  entirely  bereft  me  of  all  discretion  :  1 
redoubled  my  cries,  which  were  drowned  in  the  noise 
of  the  battle  ;  and  finding  myself  disregarded,  lost  all 
patience,  and  became  frantic:  I  vented  my  rage  in 
oaths  and  execrations,  till  my  spirits  being  quite 
exhausted,  I  remained  quiet  and  insensible  of  the  load 
that  oppressed  me. 

The  engagement  lasted  till  broad  day,  when  Cap- 
tain Oakum,  finding  that  he  was  like  to  gain  neither 
honour  nor  advantage  by  the  affair,  pretended  to  be 
undeceived  by  seeing  their  colours ;  and  hailing  the 
ship  with  whom  he  had  fought  all  night,  protested  he 
believed  them  Spaniards,  and  the  guns  being  silenced 
on  each  side,  ordered  the  barge  to  be  hoisted  out,  and 
went  on  board  the  French  commodore.  Our  loss 
amounted  to  ten  killed,  and  eighteen  wounded,  most 
part  of  whom  afterwards  died.  My  fellow-mates  had 
no  sooner  despatched  their  business  in  the  cock-pit, 
than,  full  of  friendly  concern,  they  came  to  visit  me. 
Morgan  ascending  first,  and  seeing  my  face  almost 
covered  with  brains  and  blood,  concluded  I  was  no 
longer  a  man  for  this  world ;  and  calling  to  Thomson 
with  great  emotion,  bade  him  come  up,  and  take  his 
last  farewell  of  his  comrade  and  countryman,  who 
[84] 


THOMSON'S    FATE 

was  posting  to  a  petter  place,  where  there  were  no 
Mackshanes  nor  Oakums  to  asperse  and  torment 
him. 

"  No,"  said  he,  taking  me  by  the  hand,  "  you  are 
going  to  a  country  where  there  is  more  respect  shown 
to  unfortunate  shentlemen,  and  where  you  will  have 
the  satisfaction  of  peholding  your  adversaries  tossing 
upon  pillows  of  purning  primstone."  Thomson, 
alarmed  at  this  apostrophe,  made  haste  to  the  place 
where  I  lay,  and  sitting  down  by  me,  with  tears  in  his 
eyes,  inquired  into  the  nature  of  my  calamity.  By  this 
time  I  had  recollected  myself  so  far,  as  to  be  able  to 
converse  rationally  with  my  friends,  whom,  to  their 
great  satisfaction,  I  immediately  undeceived  with 
regard  to  their  apprehension  of  my  being  mortally 
wounded. 

After  I  had  got  myself  disengaged  from  the  carnage 
in  which  I  wallowed,  and  partaken  of  a  refreshment 
which  my  friends  brought  along  with  them,  we  entered 
into  discourse  upon  the  hardships  we  sustained,  and 
spoke  very  freely  of  the  authors  of  our  misery  :  but 
our  discourse  being  overheard  by  the  sentinel  who 
guarded  me,  he  was  no  sooner  relieved,  than  he  re- 
ported to  the  captain  every  syllable  of  our  conversa- 
tion, according  to  the  orders  he  received.  The  effect 
of  this  information  soon  appeared  in  the  arrival  of  the 
master-at-arms,  who  replaced  Morgan  in  his  former 
station  ;  and  gave  the  second  mate  a  caution  to  keep 
a  strict  guard  over  his  tongue,  if  he  did  not  choose  to 
accompany  us  in  our  confinement.  Thomson,  fore- 
seeing that  the  whole  slavery  of  attending  the  sick 
and  wounded,  as  well  as  the  cruelty  of  Mackshane, 
[85] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

must  now  fall  upon  his  shoulders,  grew  desperate  at 
the  prospect,  and,  though  I  never  heard  him  swear 
before,  imprecated  dreadful  curses  on  the  heads  of  his 
oppressors,  declaring  that  he  would  rather  quit  life 
altogether,  than  be  much  longer  under  the  power  of 
such  barbarians.  I  was  not  a  little  startled  at  his 
vivacity,  and  endeavoured  to  alleviate  his  complaints, 
by  representing  the  subject  of  my  own,  with  as  much 
aggravation  as  it  would  bear,  by  which  comparison  he 
might  see  the  balance  of  misfortune  lay  on  my  side, 
and  take  an  example  from  me  of  fortitude  and  sub- 
mission, till  such  time  as  we  could  procure  redress, 
which,  I  hoped,  was  not  far  off,  considering,  that  we 
should  probably  be  in  a  harbour  in  less  than  three 
days,  where  we  should  have  an  opportunity  of  pre- 
ferring our  complaints  to  the  admiral.  The  Welsh- 
man joined  in  my  remonstrance,  and  was  at  great 
pains  to  demonstrate,  that  it  was  every  man's  duty, 
as  well  as  interest,  to  resign  himself  to  the  divine  will, 
and  look  upon  himself  as  a  sentinel  upon  duty,  who 
is  by  no  means  at  liberty  to  leave  his  post  before  he 
is  relieved.  Thomson  listened  attentively  to  what  we 
said,  and  at  last,  shedding  a  flood  of  tears,  shook  his 
head,  and  left  us  without  making  any  reply.  About 
eleven  at  night  he  came  to  see  us  again,  with  a  settled 
gloom  on  his  countenance,  and  gave  us  to  understand, 
that  he  had  undergone  excessive  toil  since  he  saw  us, 
and  in  recompense  had  been  grossly  abused  by  the 
doctor,  who  taxed  him  with  being  confederate  with 
us,  in  a  design  of  taking  away  his  life,  and  that  of  the 
captain.  After  some  time  spent  in  mutual  exhorta- 
tion, he  got  up,  and  squeezing  me  by  the  hand,  with 
[86] 


THOMSON'S    FATE 

an  uncommon  fervour,  cried,  "  God  bless  you  both ; " 
and  left  us  to  wonder  at  his  singular  manner  of  parting 
with  us,  which  did  not  fail  to  make  a  deep  impression 
on  us. 

Next  morning,  when  the  hour  of  visitation  came 
round,  this  unhappy  young  man  was  missing,  and, 
after  strict  search,  supposed  to  have  gone  overboard 
in  the  night ;  and  this  was  certainly  the  case. 


[87] 


CHAPTER    THIRTY 

WE  LAMENT  THE  FATE  OF  OUR  COMPANION THE  CAP- 
TAIN OFFEES  MORGAN  HIS  LIBERTY,  WHICH  HE  RE- 
FUSES TO  ACCEFf  WE  ARE  BROUGHT  BEFORE  HIM, 

AND  EXAMINED MORGAN  IS  SENT  BACK  INTO  CUS- 
TODY, WHITHER  ALSO  I  AM  REMANDED,  AFTER  A 
CURIOUS  TRIAL. 


1 


news  of  this  event  affected  my  fellow- 
prisoner  and  me  extremely,  as  our  unfor- 
tunate companion  had  justly  acquired,  by 
his  amiable  disposition,  the  love  and 
esteem  of  us  both ;  and  the  more  we  regretted  his 
untimely  fate,  the  greater  horror  we  conceived  for 
the  villain  who  was  undoubtedly  the  occasion  of  it. 
This  abandoned  miscreant  did  not  discover  the  least 
symptom  of  concern  for  Thomson's  death,  although 
he  must  have  been  conscious  to  himself  of  having 
driven  him  by  ill  usage  to  that  fatal  resolution ;  but 
desired  the  captain  to  set  Morgan  at  liberty  again,  to 
look  after  the  patients.  Accordingly,  one  of  the 
corporals  was  sent  up  to  unfetter  him  ;  but  he  pro- 
tested he  would  not  be  released  until  he  should  know 
for  what  he  was  confined  ;  nor  would  he  be  a  tennis- 
ball,  nor  a  shuttle-cock,  nor  a  drudge,  nor  a  scullion, 
to  any  captain  under  the  sun.  Oakum,  finding  him 
obstinate,  and  fearing  it  would  not  be  in  his  power  to 
exercise  his  tyranny  much  longer  with  impunity,  was 
[88] 


JUDICIAL    PROCEEDINGS 

willing  to  show  some  appearance  of  justice,  and  there- 
fore ordered  us  both  to  be  brought  before  him  on  the 
quarter-deck,  where  he  sat  in  state,  with  his  clerk  on 
one  side,  and  his  counsellor  Mackshane  on  the  other. 
When  we  approached,  he  honoured  us  with  this 
salutation  :  "  So,  gentlemen,  d — n  my  blood !  many 
a  captain  in  the  navy  would  have  ordered  you  both 
to  be  tucked  up  to  the  yard's  arm,  without  either 
judge  or  jury,  for  the  crimes  you  have  been  guilty 
of;  but,  d — n  my  blood  !  I  have  too  much  good- 
nature, in  allowing  such  dogs  as  you  to  make  your 
defence.11  "  Captain  Oakum,"  said  my  fellow-sufferer, 
"  certainly  it  is  in  your  power  (Cot  help  the  while)  to 
tuck  us  all  up  at  your  will,  and  desire,  and  pleasures. 
And  perhaps  it  would  be  petter  for  some  of  us  to  be 
tucked  up,  than 'undergo  the  miseries  to  which  we 
have  been  exposed.  So  may  the  farmer  hang  his 
kids  for  his  diversion,  and  amusement,  and  mirth ; 
but  there  is  such  a  thing  as  justice,  if  not  upon 
earth,  surely  in  heaven,  that  will  punish  with  fire 
and  primstone  all  those  who  take  away  the  lives  of 
innocent  people  out  of  wantonness  and  parparity, 
look  you.  In  the  meantime,  I  shall  be  glad  to  know 
the  crimes  laid  to  my  charge,  and  see  the  person  who 
accuses  me."  "  That  you  shall,"  said  the  captain ; 
"  here,  doctor,  what  have  you  to  say  ?  "  Mackshane 
stepping  forward,  hemmed  a  good  while,  in  order 
to  clear  his  throat,  and,  before  he  began,  Morgan 
accosted  him  thus:  "Doctor  Mackshane,  look  in 
my  face  —  look  in  the  face  of  an  honest  man,  who 
abhors  a  false  witness  as  he  abhors  the  tevil,  and  Cot 
be  judge  between  you  and  me."  The  doctor,  not 
[89] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

minding  this  conjuration,  made  the  following  speech, 
as  near  as  I  can  remember  :  "  I  '11  tell  you  what,  Mr 
Morgan,  to  be  sure  what  you  say  is  just,  in  regard  to 
an  honest  man,  and  if  so  be  it  appears  as  how  you 
are  an  honest  man,  then  it  is  my  opinion  that  you 
deserve  to  be  acquitted,  in  relation  to  that  there 
affair ;  for  I  tell  you  what,  Captain  Oakum  is  resolved 
for  to  do  everybody  justice.  As  for  my  own  part,  all 
that  I  have  to  allege  is,  that  I  have  been  informed 
you  have  spoken  disrespectful  words  against  your 
captain,  who,  to  be  sure,  is  the  most  honourable  and 
generous  commander  in  the  king's  service,  without 
disparagement  or  exception  of  man,  woman,  or  child." 
Having  uttered  this  elegant  harangue,  on  which  he 
seemed  to  plume  himself,  Morgan  replied,  "  I  do 
partly  guess,  and  conceive,  and  understand  your 
meaning,  which  I  wish  could  be  more  explicit ;  but, 
however,  I  do  suppose  I  am  not  to  be  condemned 
upon  bare  hearsay ;  or  if  I  am  convicted  of  speaking 
disrespectfully  of  Captain  Oakum,  I  hope  there  is  no 
treason  in  my  words."  "  But  there  's  mutiny,  by 
G — d,  and  that 's  death  by  the  articles  of  war,"  cried 
Oakum.  "In  the  meantime,  let  the  witnesses  be 
called.1'  Hereupon  Mackshane's  servant  appeared, 
and  the  boy  of  our  mess,  whom  they  had  seduced 
and  tutored  for  the  purpose.  The  first  declared  that 
Morgan,  as  he  descended  the  cock -pit  ladder  one  day, 
cursed  the  captain,  and  called  him  a  savage  beast, 
saying,  he  ought  to  be  hunted  down  as  an  enemy  to 
mankind.  "  This,"  said  the  clerk,  "  is  a  strong  pre- 
sumption of  a  design  formed  against  the  captain's 
life.  For  why  ?  It  presupposes  malice  aforethought, 
[90] 


MORGAN'S    DEFENCE 

and  a  criminal  intention  a  priori.™  "  Right,"  said 
the  captain  to  this  miserable  grub,  who  had  been  an 
attorney's  boy,  "  you  shall  have  law  enough ;  here 's 
Cook  and  Littlejohn  for  it." 

This  evidence  was  confirmed  by  the  boy,  who 
affirmed,  he  heard  the  first  mate  say  that  the  captain 
had  no  more  bowels  than  a  bear,  and  the  surgeon  had 
no  more  brains  than  an  ass.  Then  the  sentinel,  who 
heard  our  discourse  on  the  poop,  was  examined,  and 
informed  the  court  that  the  Welshman  assured  me, 
Captain  Oakum  and  Doctor  Mackshane  would  toss 
upon  billows  of  burning  brimstone  in  hell  for  their 
barbarity.  The  clerk  observed,  that  there  was  an 
evident  prejudication,  which  confirmed  the  former 
suspicion  of  a  conspiracy  against  the  life  of  Captain 
Oakum ;  for,  because,  how  could  Morgan  so  posi- 
tively pronounce  that  the  captain  and  surgeon  would 
be  d — d,  unless  he  had  an  intention  to  make  away 
with  them  before  they  could  have  time  to  repent? 
This  sage  explanation  had  great  weight  with  our 
noble  commander,  who  exclaimed,  "  What  have  you 
to  say  to  this,  Taffy  ?  you  seem  to  be  taken  all  aback, 
brother,  ha  ! "  Morgan  was  too  much  of  a  gentle- 
man to  disown  the  text,  although  he  absolutely 
denied  the  truth  of  the  comment.  Upon  which  the 
captain,  strutting  up  to  him,  with  a  ferocious  coun- 
tenance, said,  "  So,  Mr.  Son  of  a  b — h,  you  confess 
you  honoured  me  with  the  names  of  bear  and  beast, 
and  pronounced  my  d — tion  ?  D — n  my  heart !  I 
have  a  good  mind  to  have  you  brought  to  a  court- 
martial,  and  hanged,  you  dog."  Here,  Mackshane, 
having  occasion  for  an  assistant,  interposed,  and 
[91] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

begged  the  captain  to  pardon  Mr.  Morgan,  with  his 
wonted  goodness,  upon  condition  that  he,  the  delin- 
quent, should  make  such  submission  as  the  nature  of 
the  misdemeanour  demanded. 

Upon  which  the  Cambro-Briton,  who  on  this  occa- 
sion would  have  made  no  submission  to  the  Great 
Mogul,  surrounded  with  his  guards,  thanked  the 
doctor  for  his  mediation,  and  acknowledged  himself 
in  the  wrong  for  calling  the  image  of  God  a  peast. 
"  But,"  said  he,  "  I  spoke  by  metaphor,  and  parable, 
and  comparison,  and  types  ;  as  we  signify  meekness 
by  a  lamb,  lechery  by  a  goat,  and  craftiness  by  a  fox, 
so  we  liken  ignorance  to  an  ass,  and  brutality  to  a 
bear,  and  fury  to  a  tiger ;  therefore  I  made  use  of 
these  similes  to  express  my  sentiments,  look  you,  and 
what  I  said  before  Cot,  I  will  not  unsay  before  man 
or  peast  neither."  Oakum  was  so  provoked  at  this 
insolence,  as  he  termed  it,  that  he  ordered  him  forth- 
with to  be  carried  to  the  place  of  his  confinement, 
and  his  clerk  to  proceed  on  the  examination  of  me. 
The  first  question  put  to  me  was  touching  the  placo 
of  my  nativity,  which  I  declared  to  be  the  north  of 
Scotland.  "  The  north  of  Ireland,  more  like,"  cried 
the  captain ;  "  but  we  shall  bring  you  up  presently." 
He  then  asked  what  religion  I  professed  ;  and  when 
I  answered,  "  The  Protestant,"  swore  I  was  as  arrant 
a  Roman  as  ever  went  to  mass.  "  Come,  come,  clerk," 
continued  he,  "  catechise  him  a  little  on  this  subject." 
But  before  I  relate  the  particulars  of  the  clerk's  in- 
quiries, it  will  not  be  amiss  to  inform  the  reader  that 
our  commander  himself  was  an  Hibernian,  and,  if  not 
shrewdly  belied,  a  Roman  Catholic  to  boot.  "  You 
[92] 


RODERICK    TRIED    FOR    CONSPIRACY 

say  you  are  a  Protestant,"  said  the  clerk  ;  "  make 
the  sign  of  the  cross  with  your  fingers  —  so  ;  and 
swear  upon  it  to  that  affirmation."  When  I  was 
about  to  perform  this  ceremony,  the  captain  cried, 
M  ith  some  emotion,  "  No,  no,  d — me  !  I  '11  have  no 
profanation,  neither.  But  go  on  with  your  interro- 
gations."" "Well,  then,1'  proceeded  my  examiner, 
"  how  many  sacraments  are  there  ?  "  To  which  i 
replied,  "Two."  "What  are  they?"  said  he.  I 
answered,  "  Baptism  and  the  Lord's  Supper."  "  And 
so  you  would  explode  Confirmation  and  Marriage 
altogether  ?  "  said  Oakum  ;  **  I  thought  this  fellow 
was  a  rank  Roman."  The  clerk,  though  he  was  bred 
under  an  attorney,  could  not  refrain  from  blushing 
at  this  blunder,  which  he  endeavoured  to  conceal,  by 
observing,  that  these  decoys  would  not  do  with  me, 
who  seemed  to  be  an  old  offender.  He  went  on  with 
asking,  if  I  believed  in  transubstantiation ;  but 
I  treated  the  notion  of  a  real  presence  with  such 
disrespect,  that  his  patron  was  scandalised  at  my 
impiety,  and  commanded  him  to  proceed  to  the  plot. 
Whereupon  this  miserable  pettifogger  told  me,  there 
was  great  reason  to  suspect  me  of  being  a  spy  on 
board;  and  that  I  had  entered  into  a  conspiracy 
with  Thomson,  and  others  not  yet  detected,  against 
the  life  of  Captain  Oakum ;  which  accusation  they 
pretended  to  support  by  the  evidence  of  our  boy, 
who  declared,  he  had  often  heard  the  deceased 
Thomson  and  me  whispering  together,  and  could 
distinguish  the  words,  "  Oakum,  rascal,  poison, 
pistol."  By  which  expressions  it  appeared  we  did 
intend  to  use  sinister  means  to  accomplish  his 
[93] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

destruction ;  that  the  death  of  Thomson  seemed  to 
confirm  this  conjecture;  who,  either  feeling  the 
stings  of  remorse,  for  being  engaged  in  such  a  hor- 
rid confederacy,  or  fearing  a  discovery,  by  which  he 
must  have  infallibly  suffered  an  ignominious  death, 
had  put  a  fatal  period  to  his  own  existence.  But 
what  established  the  truth  of  the  whole  was  a  book 
in  ciphers,  found  among  my  papers,  which  exactly 
tallied  with  one  found  in  his  chest,  after  his  disap- 
pearance. This,  he  observed,  was  a  presumption 
very  near  proof  positive,  and  would  determine  any 
jury  in  Christendom  to  find  me  guilty.  In  my  own 
defence,  I  alleged  that  I  had  been  dragged  on  board 
at  first  very  much  against  my  inclination,  as  I  could 
prove  by  the  evidence  of  some  people  now  in  the 
ship,  consequently  could  have  no  design  of  becoming 
spy  at  that  time  ;  and  ever  since  had  been  entirely  out 
of  the  reach  of  any  correspondence  that  could  justly 
entail  that  suspicion  upon  me.  As  for  conspiring 
against  my  captain's  life,  it  could  not  be  supposed 
that  any  man  in  his  right  wits  would  harbour  the 
least  thought  of  such  an  undertaking,  which  he  could 
not  possibly  perform  without  certain  infamy  and  ruin 
to  himself,  even  if  he  had  all  the  inclination  in  the 
world.  That,  allowing  the  boy's  evidence  to  be  true 
(which  I  affirmed  was  false  and  malicious),  nothing 
conclusive  could  be  gathered  from  a  few  incoherent 
words.  Neither  was  the  fate  of  Mr.  Thomson  a 
circumstance  more  favourable  for  the  charge ;  for  I 
had  in  my  pocket  a  letter  which  too  well  explained 
that  mystery,  in  a  very  different  manner  from  that 
which  was  supposed.  With  these  words  I  produced 
[94] 


AN    EXAMINATION    IN    GREEK 

the  following  letter,  which  Jack  Rattlin  brought  to 
me  the  very  day  after  Thomson  disappeared ;  and 
told  me  it  was  committed  to  his  care  by  the  deceased, 
who  made  him  promise  not  to  deliver  it  sooner.  The 
clerk,  taking  it  out  of  my  hand,  read  aloud  the  con- 
tents, which  were  these : 

"  DEAR  FRIEND,  —  I  am  so  much  oppressed  with  the 
fatigue  I  daily  and  nightly  undergo,  and  the  barbarous 
usage  of  Doctor  Mackshane,  who  is  bent  on  your  de- 
struction, as  well  as  mine,  that  I  am  resolved  to  free  my- 
self from  this  miserable  life,  and  before  you  receive  this, 
shall  be  no  more.  I  could  have  wished  to  die  in  your 
good  opinion,  which  I  am  afraid  I  shall  forfeit  by  the 
last  act  of  my  life  ;  but  if  you  cannot  acquit  me,  I  know 
you  will  at  least  preserve  some  regard  for  the  memory 
of  an  unfortunate  young  man  who  loved  you.  I  recom- 
mend it  to  you  to  beware  of  Mackshane,  whose  revenge 
is  implacable.  I  wish  all  prosperity  to  you  and  Mr.  Mor- 
gan, to  whom  pray  offer  my  last  respects,  and  beg  to  be 
remembered  as  your  unhappy  friend  and  countryman, 

"  WILLIAM  THOMSOX  " 

This  letter  was  no  sooner  read,  than  Mackshane, 
in  a  transport  of  rage,  snatched  it  out  of  the  clerk's 
hands j  and  tore  it  into  a  thousand  pieces,  saying,  it 
was  a  villanous  forgery,  contrived  and  executed  by 
myself.  The  captain  and  clerk  declared  themselves 
of  the  same  opinion,  although  I  insisted  on  having 
the  remains  of  it  compared  with  other  writings  of 
Thomson,  which  they  had  in  their  possession ;  and  I 
was  ordered  to  answer  the  last  article  of  my  accusa- 
tion, namely,  the  book  of  ciphers  found  among  my 
[95] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

papers.  "  That  is  easily  done,"  said  I ;  "  what  you 
are  pleased  to  call  ciphers,  are  no  other  than 
the  Greek  characters,  in  which,  for  ray  amusement, 
I  kept  a  diary  of  everything  remarkable  that  has 
occurred  to  my  observation,  since  the  beginning  of 
the  voyage  till  the  day  on  which  I  was  put  in  irons  ; 
and  the  same  method  was  practised  by  Mr.  Thom- 
son, who  copied  mine."  "  A  very  likely  story  !  " 
cried  Mackshane ;  "  what  occasion  was  there  for 
using  Greek  characters,  if  you  were  not  afraid  of 
discovering  what  you  had  wrote  ?  But  what  d1  ye  talk 
of  Greek  characters  ?  D'  ye  think  I  am  so  ignorant 
of  the  Greek  language,  as  not  to  distinguish  its 
letters  from  these,  which  are  no  more  Greek  than 
Chinese  ?  No,  no,  I  will  not  give  up  my  knowledge 
of  the  Greek  for  you,  nor  none  that  ever  came  from 
your  country."  So  saying,  with  an  unparalleled 
effrontery,  he  repeated  some  gibberish,  which  by 
the  sound  seemed  to  be  Irish,  and  made  it  pass  for 
Greek  with  the  captain,  who,  looking  at  me  with  a 
contemptuous  sneer,  exclaimed,  "  Ah  !  ah  !  have  you 
caught  a  tartar  ?  "  I  could  not  help  smiling  at  the 
consummate  assurance  of  this  Hibernian,  and  offered 
to  refer  the  dispute  to  anybody  on  board  who  under- 
stood the  Greek  alphabet.  Upon  which  Morgan  was 
brought  back,  and  being  made  acquainted  with  the 
affair,  took  the  book  and  read  a  whole  page  in  Eng- 
lish without  hesitation,  deciding  the  controversy  in 
my  favour.  The  doctor  was  so  far  from  being  out 
of  countenance  at  this  detection,  that  he  affirmed 
Morgan  was  in  the  secret,  and  repeated  from  his  own 
invention.  Oakum  said,  "  Ay,  ay,  I  see  they  are  both 
[96] 


AN    EXAMINATION    IN    GREEK 

in  a  story; "  and  dismissed  my  fellow-mate  to  his  cock- 
loft, although  I  proposed  that  he  and  I  should  read 
and  translate  separately,  any  chapter  or  verse  in  the 
Greek  Testament  in  his  possession,  by  which  it  would 
appear  whether  we  or  the  surgeon  spoke  truth.  Not 
being  endued  with  eloquence  enough  to  convince 
the  captain  that  there  could  be  no  juggle  nor  con- 
federacy in  this  expedient,  I  begged  to  be  examined 
by  some  unconcerned  person  on  board,  who  under- 
stood Greek. 

Accordingly  the  whole  ship's  company,  officers  and 
all,  were  called  upon  deck,  among  whom  it  was  pro- 
claimed, that  if  any  of  them  could  speak  Greek,  he 
or  they  so  qualified  should  ascend  the  quarter-deck 
immediately.  After  some  pause,  two  fore-mast  men 
came  up,  and  professed  their  skill  in  that  language, 
which,  they  said,  they  acquired  during  several  voyages 
to  the  Levant,  among  the  Greeks  of  the  Morea. 
The  captain  exulted  much  in  this  declaration,  and 
put  my  journal-book  into  the  hands  of  one  of  them, 
who  candidly  owned  he  could  neither  read  nor  write  : 
the  other  acknowledged  the  same  degree  of  ignorance, 
but  pretended  to  speak  the  Greek  lingo  with  any 
man  on  board ;  and  addressing  himself  to  me,  pro- 
nounced some  sentences  of  a  barbarous  corrupted 
language,  which  I  did  not  understand.  I  asserted, 
that  the  modern  Greek  was  as  different  from  that 
spoke  and  written  by  the  ancients,  as  the  English 
used  now  from  the  old  Saxon  spoke  in  the  time  of 
Hengist ;  and  as  I  had  only  learned  the  true  original 
tongue,  in  which  Homer,  Pindar,  the  Evangelists, 
and  other  great  men  of  antiquity  wrote,  it  could  not 
VOL.  n.  — 7  [97] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

be  supposed  that  I  should  know  anything  of  an 
imperfect  Gothic  dialect  that  rose  on  the  ruins  of 
the  former,  and  scarce  retained  any  traces  of  the  old 
expression.  But  if  Doctor  Mackshane,  who  pre- 
tended to  be  master  of  the  Greek  language,  could 
maintain  a  conversation  with  these  seamen,  I  would 
retract  what  I  had  said,  and  be  content  to  suffer  any 
punishment  he  should  think  proper  to  inflict.  I  had 
no  sooner  uttered  these  words,  than  the  surgeon, 
knowing  one  of  these  fellows  to  be  his  countryman, 
accosted  him  in  Irish,  and  was  answered  in  the  same 
brogue ;  then  a  dialogue  ensued  between  them, 
which  they  affirmed  to  be  in  Greek,  after  having 
secured  the  secrecy  of  the  other  tar,  who  had  his  cue 
in  the  language  of  the  Morea  from  his  companion, 
before  they  could  venture  to  assert  such  an  intrepid 
falsehood.  *  I  thought,"  said  Oakurn,  "  we  should 
discover  the  imposture  at  last.  Let  the  rascal  be 
carried  back  to  his  confinement.  I  find  he  must 
dangle.1'  Having  nothing  further  to  urge  in  my 
own  behalf,  before  a  court  so  prejudiced  with  spite, 
and  fortified  with  ignorance  against  truth,  I  suffered 
myself  to  be  reconducted  peaceably  to  my  fellow- 
prisoner,  who,  hearing  the  particulars  of  my  trial, 
lifted  up  his  hands  and  eyes  to  heaven,  and  uttered 
a  dreadful  groan  ;  and  not  daring  to  disburden  his 
thoughts  to  me  by  speech,  lest  he  might  be  over- 
heard by  the  sentinel,  burst  forth  into  a  Welsh  song, 
which  he  accompanied  with  a  thousand  contortions 
of  face,  and  violent  gestures  of  body. 


[98] 


CHAPTER    THIRTY-ONE 

I  DISCOVER  A  SUBORNATION  AGAINST  ME,  BY  MEANS  OP 
A  QUARREL  BETWEEN  TWO  OF  THE  EVIDENCES; 
IN  CONSEQUENCE  OF  WHICH  I  AM  SET  AT  LIBERTY, 
AND  PREVAIL  UPON  MORGAN  TO  ACCEPT  OF  HIS 

FREEDOM     ON     THE     SAME    TERMS MACKSHANfi's 

MALICE WE  ARRIVE  AT   JAMAICA,  FROM  WHENCE, 

IN    A    SHORT    TIME,    WE     BEAT    UP    TO    HISPANIOLA, 
IN   CONJUNCTION  WITH    THE    WEST   INDIA    SQUADRON 

WE   TAKE    IN    WATER,  SAIL    AGAIN,    AND    ARRIVE 

AT  CARTHAGENA REFLECTIONS   ON   OUR   CONDUCT 

THERE. 

MEANWHILE,    a     quarrel    happened 
between  the  two  modern  Greeks ;  the 
one,  to  be  revenged  of  the  other,  came 
and  discovered  to  us  the  mystery  of 
Mackshane's  dialogue,  as  I  have  explained  it  above. 
This  detection  coming  to  the  ears  of  the  doctor,  who 
was  sensible  that,  now  we  were  in  sight  of  Jamaica,  we 
should  have  an  opportunity  of  clearing  ourselves 
before  a  court-martial,  and,  at  the  same  time,  of 
making  his  malice  and   ignorance   conspicuous,  he 
interceded  for  us  with  the  captain  so  effectually,  that, 
in  a  few  hours,  we  were  set  at  liberty,  and  ordered  to 
return  to  our  duty.     This  was  a  happy  event  for  me, 
my  whole  body  being  blistered  by  the  sun,  and  my 
limbs  benumbed  by  want  of  motion.     But  T  could 
[99] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

scarce  persuade  the  Welshman  to  accept  of  this 
indulgence,  he  persisting  in  his  obstinacy  to  remain 
in  irons  until  he  should  be  discharged  by  a  court- 
martial,  which  he  believed  would  also  do  him  justice 
on  his  enemies.  At  length  I  represented  to  him  the 
precarious  issue  of  a  trial,  the  power  and  interest  of 
his  adversaries,  and  flattered  his  revenge  with  the 
hope  of  wreaking  his  resentment  with  his  own  hands 
upon  Mackshane  after  our  return  to  England.  This 
last  argument  had  more  weight  with  him  than  all 
the  rest,  and  prevailed  upon  him  to  repair  with  me 
to  the  cock -pit,  which  I  no  sooner  entered  than  the 
idea  of  my  departed  friend  presented  itself  to  my 
remembrance,  and  filled  my  eyes  with  tears.  We 
discharged  from  our  mess  the  boy  who  acted  so 
perfidiously,  notwithstanding  his  tears,  entreaties,  and 
professions  of  penitence  for  what  he  had  done ;  but 
not  before  he  had  confessed  that  the  surgeon  had 
bribed  him  to  give  evidence  against  us,  with  a  pair 
of  stockings,  and  a  couple  of  old  check  shirts,  of 
which  his  servant  had  since  plundered  him. 

The  keys  of  our  chests  and  lockers  being  sent  to  us 
by  the  doctor,  we  detained  the  messenger  until  we 
had  examined  the  contents ;  and  my  fellow-mate 
finding  all  his  Cheshire  cheese  consumed  to  a  crust, 
his  brandy  exhausted,  and  his  onions  gone,  was 
seized  with  a  fit  of  choler,  which  he  discharged  on 
Mackshane's  man  in  oaths  and  execrations,  threaten- 
ing to  prosecute  him  as  a  thief.  The  fellow  swore 
in  his  turn,  that  he  never  had  the  keys  in  his  posses- 
sion till  that  time,  when  he  received  them  from  his 
master,  with  orders  to  deliver  them  to  us.  "  As  Cot 
[100] 


MACKSHANKS  PRETENDED  GENEROSITY 

is  my  judge,""  cried  Morgan,  "  and  my  salfation,  and 
my  witness,  whosoever  has  pilfered  my  provisions,  is 
a  lousy,  peggarly,  rascally  knave  !  and  by  the  soul  of 
my  grandsire  !  I  will  impeach,  and  accuse,  and  indict 
him  of  a  roppery,  if  I  did  but  know  who  he  is."  — 
Had  this  misfortune  happened  at  sea,  where  we  could 
not  i-epair  the  loss,  in  all  probability  this  descendant 
of  Caractacus  would  have  lost  his  wits  entirely ;  but, 
when  I  observed  how  easy  it  would  be  to  remedy 
this  paltry  mischance,  he  became  more  calm,  and 
reconciled  himself  to  the  occasion.  A  little  while 
after  this  transport,  the  surgeon  came  into  the  berth, 
under  pretence  of  taking  something  out  of  the  medi- 
cine chest,  and  with  a  smiling  aspect,  wished  us  joy 
of  our  deliverance,  which,  he  said,  he  had  been  at 
great  pains  to  obtain  of  the  captain,  who  was  very 
justly  incensed  at  our  behaviour  ;  but  he  (the  doctor) 
had  passed  his  word  for  our  future  conduct,  and  he 
hoped  we  should  give  him  no  cause  to  repent  of  his 
kindness.  He  expected,  no  doubt,  an  acknowledg- 
ment from  us  for  this  pretended  piece  of  service,  as 
well  as  a  general  amnesty  of  what  was  past ;  but  he 
had  to  do  with  people  who  were  not  quite  so  apt  to 
forgive  injuries  as  he  imagined,  or  to  forget,  that,  if 
our  deliverance  was  owing  to  his  mediation,  our 
calamity  was  occasioned  by  his  malice.  I  therefore 
sat  silent,  while  my  companion  answered,  "  Ay,  ay, 
't  is  no  matter.  Cot  knows  the  heart  —  there  is  a 
time  for  all  things,  as  the  wise  man  saith ;  there  is 
a  time  for  throwing  away  stones,  and  a  time  to  gather 
them  up  again.11  He  seemed  to  be  disconcerted  at 
this  reply,  and  went  away  in  a  pet,  muttering  some- 
[101] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

thing  about  "  ingratitude  "  and  "  fellows,""  of  which 
we  did  not  think  fit  to  take  any  notice. 

Our  fleet  having  joined  another  that  waited  for  us, 
lay  at  anchor  about  a  month  in  the  harbour  at  Port 
Royal  in  Jamaica,  during  which  time  something  of 
consequence  was  certainly  transacted ;  notwithstand- 
ing the  insinuations  of  some  who  affirmed  we  had  no 
business  at  all  in  that  place ;  that,  in  order  to  take 
the  advantage  of  the  season  proper  for  our  enter- 
prise, the  West  India  squadron,  which  had  previous 
notice  of  our  coming,  ought  to  have  joined  us  at  the 
west  end  of  Hispaniola,  with  necessary  stores  and 
refreshments,  from  whence  we  could  have  sailed 
directly  for  Carthagena,  before  the  enemy  could  put 
themselves  in  a  good  posture  of  defence,  or,  indeed, 
have  an  inkling  of  our  design.  Be  this  as  it  will,  we 
sailed  from  Jamaica,  and,  in  ten  days  or  a  fortnight, 
beat  up  against  the  wind  as  far  as  the  Isle  of  Vache, 
with  an  intention,  as  was  said,  to  attack  the  French 
fleet,  then  supposed  to  be  lying  near  that  place ; 
but,  before  we  arrived,  they  had  sailed  for  Europe, 
having  first  despatched  an  advice-boat  to  Carthagena, 
with  an  account  of  our  being  in  those  seas,  as  also 
of  our  strength  and  destination.  We  loitered  here 
some  days  longer,  taking  in  wood,  and  brackish 
water,  in  the  use  whereof,  however,  our  admiral 
seemed  to  consult  the  health  of  the  men,  by  restrict- 
ing each  to  a  quart  a  day.  At  length  we  set  sail, 
and  arrived  in  a  bay  to  the  windward  of  Carthagena, 
where  we  came  to  an  anchor,  and  lay  at  our  ease  ten 
days  longer.  Here  again  certain  malicious  people 
took  occasion  to  blame  the  conduct  of  their  supe- 
[102] 


ARRIVAL    AT    CARTHAGENA 

tiers,  by  saying  that,  in  so  doing,  they  not  only 
unprofitably  wasted  time,  which  was  very  pi-ecious, 
considering  the  approach  of  the  rainy  season,  but 
also  allowed  the  Spaniards  to  recollect  themselves 
from  the  terror  occasioned  by  the  approach  of  an 
English  fleet,  at  least  three  times  as  numerous  as 
ever  appeared  in  that  part  of  the  world  before.  But, 
if  I  might  be  allowed  to  give  my  opinion  of  the 
matter,  I  would  ascribe  this  delay  to  the  generosity 
of  our  chiefs,  who  scorned  to  take  any  advantage 
that  fortune  might  give  them,  even  over  an  enemy. 
At  last,  however,  we  weighed,  and  anchored  again 
somewhat  nearer  the  harbour's  mouth,  where  we 
made  shift  to  land  our  marines,  who  encamped  on 
the  beach  in  despite  of  the  enemy's  shot,  which 
knocked  a  good  many  of  them  on  the  head.  This 
piece  of  conduct,  in  choosing  a  camp  under  the 
walls  of  an  enemy's  fortification,  which,  I  believe, 
never  happened  before,  was  practised,  I  presume,  with 
a  view  of  accustoming  the  soldiers  to  stand  fire,  who 
were  not  as  yet  much  used  to  discipline,  most  of 
them  having  been  taken  from  the  plough-tail  a  few 
months  before.  This  expedient  again  has  furnished 
matters  for  censure  against  the  ministry,  for  sending 
a  few  raw  recruits  on  such  an  important  enterprise, 
while  so  many  veteran  regiments  lay  inactive  at 
home.  But  surely  our  governors  had  their  reasons 
for  so  doing,  which  possibly  may  be  disclosed  with 
other  secrets  of  the  deep.  Perhaps  they  were  loth 
to  risk  their  best  troops  on  such  desperate  service ; 
or  the  colonels  and  field  officers  of  the  old  corps, 
who,  generally  speaking,  enjoyed  their  commis- 
[103] 


RODERICK   RANDOM 

sions  as  sinecures  or  pensions,  for  some  domestic 
services  tendered  to  the  court,  refused  to  embark 
in  such  a  dangerous  and  precarious  undertaking; 
for  which  refusal,  no  doubt,  they  are  much  to  be 
commended. 


[104] 


CHAPTER  THIRTY-TWO 

OUR  LAND  FORCES  BEING  DISEMBARKED,  ERECT  A  FAS- 
CINE    BATTERY OUR    SHIP    IS    ORDERED,    WITH 

FOUR  MORE,  TO  BATTER  THE  FORT  OF  BOCA  CHICA 

—  MACKSHANE'S     COWARDICE  —  THE     CHAPLAIN'S 

FRENZY HONEST   RATTLIN  LOSES   ONE   HAND 

HIS   HEROISM,  AND  REFLECTIONS  ON  THE  BATTLE 

—  CRAMPLEY'S    BEHAVIOUR   TO    ME    DURING   THE 
HEAT  OF  THE  FIGHT. 

OUR  forces,  being  landed  and  stationed  as 
I    have   already    mentioned,    set    about 
erecting  a  fascine  battery  to  cannonade 
the  principal  fort  of  the  enemy,  and  in 
something  more  than   three  weeks,  it  was  ready  to 
open.     That  we  might  do  the  Spaniards  as  much 
honour  as  possible,  it  was  determined,  in  a  council 
of  war,  that  five  of  our  largest  ships  should  attack 
the  fort  on  one  side,  while  the  battery,  strengthened 
by  two  mortars  and  twenty-four  cohorns,  should  ply 
it  on  the  other. 

Accordingly  the  signal  for  our  ship  to  engage, 
among  others,  was  hoisted,  we  being  advertised  the 
night  before  to  make  everything  clear  for  that 
purpose;  and  in  so  doing,  a  difference  happened 
between  Captain  Oakum  and  his  well-beloved  cousin 
and  counsellor  Mackshane,  which  had  well-nigh  ter- 
minated in  an  open  rupture.  The  doctor,  who  had 
[105] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

imagined  there  was  no  more  danger  of  being  hurt  by 
the  enemy's  shot  in  the  cock-pit  than  in  the  centre 
of  the  earth,  was  lately  informed  that  a  surgeon's 
mate  had  been  killed  in  that  part  of  the  ship,  by  a 
cannon-ball  from  two  small  redoubts  that  were 
destroyed  before  the  disembarkation  of  our  sol- 
diers; and  therefore  insisted  upon  having  a  plat- 
form raised  for  the  convenience  of  the  sick  and 
wounded  in  the  after-hold,  where  he  deemed  himself 
more  secure  than  on  the  deck  above.  The  captain, 
offended  at  this  extraordinary  proposal,  accused  him 
of  pusillanimity,  and  told  him  there  was  no  room  in 
the  hold  for  such  an  occasion ;  or,  if  there  was,  he 
could  not  expect  to  be  indulged  more  than  the  rest 
of  the  surgeons  of  the  navy,  who  used  the  cock-pit 
for  that  purpose*  Fear  rendering  Mackshane  obstin- 
ate, he  persisted  in  his  demand,  and  showed  his 
instructions,  by  which  it  was  authorized.  The  cap- 
tain swore  these  instructions  were  dictated  by  a 
parcel  of  lazy  poltroons  who  were  never  at  sea; 
nevertheless,  he  was  obliged  to  comply,  and  sent 
for  the  carpenter  to  give  him  orders  about  it :  but, 
before  any  such  measure  could  be  taken,  our  signal 
was  thrown  out,  and  the  doctor  compelled  to  trust 
his  carcase  in  the  cock-pit,  where  Morgan  and  I  were 
busy  in  putting  our  instruments  and  dressings  in 
order. 

Our  ship,  with  others  destined  for  this  service, 
immediately  weighed,  and,  in  less  than  half  an  hour, 
came  to  an  anchor  before  the  castle  of  Boca  Chica, 
with  a  spring  upon  our  cable ;  and  the  cannonading 
(which,  indeed,  was  terrible !)  began.  The  surgeon, 
[106] 


after  having  crossed  himself,  fell  flat  on  the  deck ; 
and  the  chaplain  and  purser,  who  were  stationed 
with  us  in  quality  of  assistants,  followed  his  ex- 
ample, while  the  Welshman  and  I  sat  upon  a  chest 
looking  at  one  another  with  great  discomposure, 
scarce  able  to  refrain  from  the  like  prostration. 
And,  that  the  reader  may  know  it  was  not  a  common 
occasion  that  alarmed  us  thus,  I  must  inform  him  of 
the  particulars  of  this  dreadful  din  that  astounded 
us.  The  fire  of  the  Spaniards  proceeded  from  eighty- 
four  great  guns,  beside  a  mortar  and  small  arms,  in 
Boca  Chica,  thirty-six  in  Fort  St.  Joseph,  twenty 
in  two  fascine  batteries,  and  four  men-of-war,  mount- 
ing sixty -four  guns  each.  This  was  answered  by  our 
land  battery,  mounted  with  twenty-one  cannon,  two 
mortars,  and  twenty-four  cohorns,  and  five  great 
ships  of  eighty  or  seventy  guns,  that  fired  without 
intermission.  We  had  not  been  many  minutes 
engaged,  when  one  of  the  sailors  brought  another 
on  his  back  to  the  cock-pit,  where  he  tossed  him 
down  like  a  bag  of  oats,  and  pulling  out  his  pouch, 
put  a  large  chew  of  tobacco  in  his  mouth,  without 
speaking  a  word.  Morgan  immediately  examined  the 
condition  of  the  wounded  man,  and  cried  out,  '*  As  I 
shall  answer  now,  the  man  is  as  tead  as  my  great- 
grandfather.1' —  "  Dead,"  said  his  comrade,  "  he  may 
be  dead  now,  for  aught  I  know,  but  I'll  be  d — d 
if  he  was  not  alive  when  I  took  him  up."  —  So  say- 
ing, he  was  about  to  return  to  his  quarters,  when  I 
bade  him  carry  the  body  along  with  him,  and  throw 
it  overboard.  —  "  D — n  the  body ! "  said  he,  **  I 
think  'tis  fair  enough  if  I  take  care  of  my  own/ 
[107] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

My  fellow-mate,  snatching  up  the  amputation  knife, 
pursued  him  half-way  up  the  cock-pit  ladder,  crying, 
"You  lousy  rascal,  is  this  the  churchyard,  or  the 
charnel-house,  or  the  sepulchre,  or  the  Golgotha  of 
the  ship?"  but  was  stopped  in  his  career  by  one 
calling,  "  Yo  ho,  avast  there  —  scaldings."  "  Scald- 
ings  ! "  answered  Morgan,  "  Cot  knows,  't  is  hot 
enough,  indeed :  who  are  you  ? "  "  Here 's  one,""1 
replied  the  voice.  And  I  immediately  knew  it  to 
be  that  of  my  honest  friend,  Jack  Rattlin,  who,  com- 
ing towards  me,  told  me,  with  great  deliberation, 
he  was  come  to  be  docked  at  last,  and  discovered  the 
remains  of  one  hand  which  had  been  shattered  to 
pieces  with  a  grape  shot.  I  lamented  with  unfeigned 
sorrow  his  misfortune,  which  he  bore  with  heroic 
courage,  observing,  that  every  shot  had  its  commis- 
sion. It  was  well  it  did  not  take  him  in  the  head ; 
or,  if  it  had,  what  then  ?  he  should  have  died  bravely, 
fighting  for  his  king  and  country :  death  was  a  debt 
which  every  man  owed,  and  must  pay  ;  and  that  now 
was  as  well  as  another  time.  I  was  much  pleased 
and  edified  with  the  maxims  of  this  sea  philosopher, 
who  endured  the  amputation  of  his  left  hand  with- 
out shrinking;  the  operation  being  performed,  at 
his  request,  by  me,  after  Mackshane,  who  was  with 
difficulty  prevailed  to  lift  his  head  from  the  deck, 
had  declared  there  was  a  necessity  for  his  losing  the 
limb.  While  I  was  employed  in  dressing  the  stump, 
I  asked  Jack's  opinion  of  the  battle,  who,  shaking 
his  head,  frankly  told  me,  he  believed  we  should  do 
no  good.  "  For  why  ?  because  instead  of  dropping 
anchor  close  under  shore,  where  we  should  have  had 
[108] 


THE    CHAPLAIN'S    FRENZY 

to  deal  with  one  corner  of  Boca  Chica  only,  we 
had  opened  the  harbour,  and  exposed  ourselves  to 
the  whole  fire  of  the  enemy  from  their  shipping  and 
Fort  St.  Joseph,  as  well  as  from  the  castle  we 
intended  to  cannonade ;  that,  besides,  we  lay  at  too 
great  a  distance  to  damage  the  walls,  and  three  parts 
in  four  of  our  shot  did  not  take  place ;  for  there  was 
scarce  anybody  on  board  who  understood  the  point- 
ing of  a  gun.  Ah  !  God  help  us  ! "  continued  he, 
"if  your  kinsman  Lieutenant  Bowling  had  been 
here,  we  should  have  had  other  guess-work." 

By  this  time  our  patients  had  increased  to  such  a 
number,  that  we  did  not  know  which  to  begin  with ; 
and  the  first  mate  plainly  told  the  surgeon,  that,  if 
he  did  not  get  up  immediately,  and  perform  his 
duty,  he  would  complain  of  his  behaviour  to  the 
admiral,  and  make  application  for  his  warrant.  This 
remonstrance  effectually  roused  Mackshane,  who  was 
never  deaf  to  an  argument  in  which  he  thought  his 
interest  was  concerned ;  he  therefore  rose  up,  and  in 
order  to  strengthen  his  resolution,  had  recourse  more 
than  once  to  a  case-bottle  of  rum,  which  he  freely 
communicated  to  the  chaplain  and  purser,  who  had 
as  much  need  of  such  extraordinary  inspiration  as 
himself:  being  thus  supported,  he  went  to  work, 
and  arms  and  legs  were  hewed  down  without  mercy. 
The  fumes  of  the  liquor  mounting  into  the  parson's 
brain,  conspired,  with  his  former  agitation  of  spirits, 
to  make  him  quite  delirious ;  he  stripped  himself  to 
the  skin,  and  besmearing  his  body  with  blood,  could 
scarce  be  withheld  from  running  upon  deck  in  that 
condition.  Jack  Rattlin,  scandalised  at  this  deport- 
[109] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

ment,  endeavoured  to  allay  his  transports  with 
reason;  but,  finding  all  he  said  ineffectual,  and 
great  confusion  occasioned  by  his  frolics,  he  knocked 
him  down  with  his  right  hand,  and  by  threats  kept 
him  quiet  in  that  state  of  humiliation.  But  it  was 
not  in  the  power  of  rum  to  elevate  the  purser,  who 
sat  on  the  floor  wringing  his  hands,  and  cursing  the 
hour  in  which  he  left  his  peaceable  profession  of  a 
brewer  in  Rochester,  to  engage  in  such  a  life  of 
terror  and  disquiet.  While  we  diverted  ourselves  at 
the  expense  of  this  poor  devil,  a  shot  happened  to 
take  us  between  wind  and  water,  and,  its  course 
being  through  the  purser's  storeroom,  made  a  terri- 
ble havock  and  noise  among  the  jars  and  bottles  in 
its  way,  and  disconcerted  Mackshane  so  much,  that 
he  dropped  his  scalpel,  and,  falling  down  on  his 
knees,  pronounced  his  paternoster  aloud ;  the  purser 
fell  backward,  and  lay  without  sense  or  motion ;  and 
the  chaplain  grew  so  outrageous,  that  Rattlin  with 
one  hand  could  not  keep  him  under;  so  that  we 
were  obliged  to  confine  him  in  the  surgeon's  cabin, 
where  he  was  no  doubt  guilty  of  a  thousand  extrava- 
gances. Much  about  this  time,  my  old  antagonist 
Crampley  came  down,  with  express  orders,  as  he 
said,  to  bring  me  up  to  the  quarter-deck,  to  dress 
a  slight  wound  the  captain  had  received  by  a 
splinter;  his  reason  for  honouring  me  in  partic- 
ular with  this  piece  of  service,  being,  that,  in  case  I 
should  be  killed  or  disabled  by  the  way,  my  death  or 
mutilation  would  be  of  less  consequence  to  the  ship's 
company  than  that  of  the  doctor  or  his  first  mate. 
At  another  time,  perhaps,  I  might  have  disputed 
[110] 


MACKSHANE'S    DISOBEDIENCE 

this  order,  to  which  I  was  not  bound  to  pay  the 
least  regard ;  but  as  I  thought  my  reputation 
depended  upon  my  compliance,  I  was  resolved  to 
convince  my  rival  that  I  was  no  more  afraid  than 
he  of  exposing  myself  to  danger.  With  this  view  I 
provided  myself  with  dressings,  and  followed  him 
immediately  to  the  quarter-deck,  through  a  most 
infernal  scene  of  slaughter,  fire,  smoke,  and  uproar ! 
Captain  Oakum,  who  leaned  against  the  mizen-mast, 
no  sooner  saw  me  approach  in  my  shirt,  with  the 
sleeves  tucked  up  to  my  arm-pits,  and  my  hands 
dyed  with  blood,  than  he  signified  his  displeasure  by 
a  frown,  and  asked  why  the  doctor  himself  did  not 
come  ?  I  told  him  Crampley  had  singled  me  out,  as 
if  by  express  command ;  at  which  reply  he  seemed 
surprised,  and  threatened  to  punish  the  midshipman 
for  his  presumption  after  the  engagement :  in  the 
meantime  I  was  sent  back  to  my  station,  and  ordered 
to  tell  Mackshane,  that  the  captain  expected  him 
immediately.  I  got  safe  back,  and  delivered  my 
commission  to  the  doctor,  who  flatly  refused  to  quit 
the  post  assigned  to  him  by  his  instructions ;  where- 
upon Morgan,  who,  I  believe,  was  jealous  of  my 
reputation  for  courage,  undertook  the  affair,  and 
ascended  with  great  intrepidity.  The  captain,  find- 
ing the  surgeon  obstinate,  suffered  himself  to  be 
dressed,  and  swore  he  would  confine  Mackshane  as 
soon  as  the  service  should  be  over. 


[Ill] 


CHAPTER    THIRTY-THREE 

A  BREACH  BEING  MADE  IN  THE  WALLS,  OUR  SOLDIERS 
GIVE  THE  ASSAULT,  AND  TAKE  THE  PLACE  WITH- 
OUT OPPOSITION OUR  SAILORS  AT  THE  SAME  TIME 

BECOME    MASTERS    OF    ALL    THE    OTHER    STRENGTHS 
NEAR    BOCA    CHICA,    AND    TAKE    POSSESSION    OF   THE 

HARBOUR THE       GOOD       CONSEQUENCE       OF       THE 

SUCCESS WE     MOVE     NEARER    THE    TOWN FIND 

TWO    FORTS  DESERTED,  AND    THE  CHANNEL  BLOCKED 
UP     WITH     SUNK     VESSELS  ;     WHICH,     HOWEVER,     WE 

FIND    MEANS   TO    CLEAR LAND    OUR    SOLDIERS    AT 

LA     QUINTA REPULSE      A     BODY     OF      MILITIA 

ATTACK     THE     CASTLE     OF     ST.     LAZAR,     AND     ARE 

FORCED    TO      RETREAT     WITH      GREAT      LOSS THE 

REMAINS    OF    OUR    ARMY   ARE    RE-EMBARKED AN 

EFFORT   OF    THE    ADMIRAL    TO    TAKE    THE    TOWN 

THE    ECONOMY    OF    OUR    EXPEDITION    DESCRIBED. 


H 


AVING  cannonaded  the  fort  during  the 
space  of  four  hours,  we  were  all  ordered 
to  slip  our  cables,  and  sheer  off;  but 
next  day  the  engagement  was  renewed, 
and  continued  from  the  morning  till  the  afternoon, 
when  the  enemy's  fire  from  Boca  Chica  slackened, 
and  towards  evening  was  quite  silenced.  A  breach 
being  made  on  the  other  side,  by  our  land  battery, 
large  enough  to  admit  a  middle-sized  baboon,  pro- 
vided he  could  find  means  to  climb  up  to  it,  —  our 


CAPTURE    OF    THE    HARBOUR 

general  proposed  to  give  the  assault  that  very  night, 
and  actually  ordered  a  detachment  on  that  duty. 
Providence  stood  our  friend  upon  this  occasion,  and 
put  it  into  the  hearts  of  the  Spaniards  to  abandon 
the  fort,  which  might  have  been  maintained  by 
resolute  men  till  the  day  of  judgment,  against  all 
the  force  we  could  exert  in  the  attack  :  and  while  our 
soldiers  took  possession  of  the  enemy's  ramparts  with- 
out resistance,  the  same  good  luck  attended  a  body 
of  sailors,  who  made  themselves  masters  of  Fort  St. 
Joseph,  the  fascine  batteries,  and  one  Spanish  man- 
of-war  ;  the  other  three  being  burnt  or  sunk  by  the 
foe,  that  they  might  not  fall  into  our  hands.  The 
taking  of  these  forts,  in  the  strength  of  which 
the  Spaniards  chiefly  confided,  made  us  masters  of  the 
outward  harbour,  and  occasioned  great  joy  among 
us  ;  as  we  laid  our  accounts  with  finding  little  or  no 
opposition  from  the  town  :  and,  indeed,  if  a  few  great 
ships  had  sailed  up  immediately,  before  they  had  re- 
covered from  the  confusion  and  despair  that  our 
unexpected  success  had  produced  among  them,  it  is 
not  impossible  that  we  might  have  finished  the  affair 
to  our  satisfaction,  without  any  more  bloodshed ; 
but  this  step  our  heroes  disdained,  as  a  barbarous 
insult  over  the  enemy's  distress,  and  gave  them  all 
the  respite  they  could  desire,  in  order  to  recollect 
themselves.  In  the  meantime,  Mackshane,  taking 
the  advantage  of  this  general  exultation,  waited  on 
our  captain,  and  pleaded  his  cause  so  effectually,  that 
he  was  re-established  in  his  good  graces ;  and  as  for 
Crampley,  there  was  no  more  notice  taken  of  his 
behaviour  towards  me  during  the  action. 

VOL.  II.  — 8  [  113  ] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

But  of  all  the  consequences  of  the  victory,  none 
was  more  grateful  than  plenty  of  fresh  water,  after 
we  had  languished  five  weeks  on  the  allowance  of  a 
purser's  quart  per  diem  for  each  man,  in  the  torrid 
zone,  where  the  sun  was  vertical,  and  the  expense  of 
bodily  fluid  so  great,  that  a  gallon  of  liquor  could 
scarce  supply  the  waste  of  twenty-four  hours  ;  especi- 
i  ally  as  our  provision  consisted  of  putrid  salt  beef,  to 
which  the  sailors  gave  the  name  of  Irish  horse  ;  salt 
pork  of  New  England,  which,  though  neither  fish  nor 
flesh,  savoured  of  both  ;  bread  from  the  same  country, 
every  biscuit  whereof,  like  a  piece  of  clock-work, 
moved  by  its  own  internal  impulse,  occasioned  by  the 
myriads  of  insects  that  dwelt  within  it ;  and  butter 
served  out  by  the  gill,  that  tasted  like  train-oil 
thickened  with  salt.  Instead  of  small  beer,  each 
man  was  allowed  three  half-quarterns  of  brandy  or 
rum,  which  was  distributed  every  morning,  diluted 
with  a  certain  quantity  of  his  water,  without  either 
sugar  or  fruit  to  render  it  palatable;  for  which 
reason,  this  composition  was,  by  the  sailors,  not 
unaptly  styled  Necessity.  Nor  was  this  limitation  of 
simple  element  owing  to  a  scarcity  of  it  on  board, 
for  there  was  at  this  time  water  enough  in  the  ship 
for  a  voyage  of  six  months,  at  the  rate  of  half  a 
gallon  per  day  to  each  man :  but  this  fast  must,  I 
suppose,  have  been  enjoined  by  way  of  penance  on 
the  ship's  company  for  their  sins ;  or  rather  with  a 
view  to  mortify  them  into  a  contempt  of  life,  that 
they  might  thereby  become  more  resolute  and  regard- 
less of  danger.  How  simple,  then,  do  those  people 
argue,  who  ascribe  the  mortality  among  us  to  our 
[114] 


SIEGE    OF    ST.    LAZAR 

bad  provision  and  want  of  water  ;  and  affirm,  that  a 
great  many  valuable  lives  might  have  been  saved,  if 
the  useless  transports  had  been  employed  in  fetching 
fresh  stock,  turtle,  fruit*  and  other  refreshments 
from  Jamaica,  and  other  adjacent  islands,  for  the  use 
of  the  army  and  fleet !  seeing,  it  is  to  be  hoped,  that 
those  who  died  went  to  a  better  place,  and  those 
who  survived  were  the  more  easily  maintained. 
After  all,  a  sufficient  number  remained  to  fall  before 
the  walls  of  St.  Laxar,  where  they  behaved  like  their 
own  country  mastiffs,  which  shut  their  eyes,  run 
into  the  jaws  of  a  bear,  and  have  their  heads  crushed 
for  their  valour. 

But  to  return  to  my  narration.  After  having  put 
garrisons  into  the  forts  we  had  taken,  and  re-em- 
barked our  soldiers  and  artillery,  a  piece  of  service 
that  detained  us  more  than  a  week,  we  ventured  up 
to  the  mouth  of  the  inner  harbour,  guarded  by  a  large 
fortification  on  one  side,  and  a  small  redoubt  on  the 
other,  both  of  which  were  deserted  before  our  ap- 
proach, and  the  entrance  of  the  harbour  blocked  up 
by  several  old  galleons,  and  two  men-of-war  that  the 
enemy  had  sunk  in  the  channel.  We  made  shift,  how- 
ever, to  open  a  passage  for  some  ships,  that  favoured 
a  second  landing  of  our  troups,  at  a  place  called  La 
Quinta,  not  far  from  the  town,  where,  after  a  faint 
resistance  from  a  body  of  Spaniards  who  opposed 
their  disembarkation,  they  encamped  with  a  design 
of  besieging  the  castle  of  St.  Lazar,  which  overlooked 
and  commanded  the  city.  Whether  our  renowned 
general  had  nobody  in  his  army  who  knew  how  to 
approach  it  in  form,  or  that  he  trusted  entirely  to  the 
[115] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

fame  of  his  arms,  I  shall  not  determine ;  but,  certain 
it  is,  a  resolution  was  taken  in  a  council  of  war,  to 
attack  the  place  with  musketry  only.  This  was  put 
in  execution,  and  succeeded  accordingly ;  the  enemy 
giving  them  such  a  hearty  reception,  that  the  greatest 
part  of  the  detachment  took  up  their  everlasting  resi- 
dence on  the  spot.  Our  chief,  not  relishing  this  kind 
of  complaisance  in  the  Spaniards,  was  wise  enough  to 
retreat  on  board  with  the  remains  of  his  army,  which, 
from  eight  thousand  able  men  landed  on  the  beach, 
near  Boca  Chica,  was  now  reduced  to  fifteen  hundred 
fit  for  service.  The  sick  and  wounded  were  squeezed 
into  certain  vessels,  which  thence  obtained  the  name 
of  hospital  ships,  though  methinks  they  scarce  de- 
served such  a  creditable  title,  seeing  few  of  them 
could  boast  of  their  surgeon,  nurse,  or  cook ;  and 
the  space  between  decks  was  so  confined,  that  the 
miserable  patients  had  not  room  to  sit  upright  in 
their  beds.  Their  wounds  and  stumps  being  neg- 
lected, contracted  filth  and  putrefaction,  and  millions 
of  maggots  were  hatched  amidst  the  corruption  of 
their  sores.  This  inhuman  disregard  was  imputed 
to  the  scarcity  of  surgeons  ;  though  it  is  well  known, 
that  every  great  ship  in  the  fleet  could  have  spared 
one  at  least  for  this  duty ;  an  expedient  which  would 
have  been  more  than  sufficient  to  remove  this  shock- 
ing inconvenience.  But,  perhaps,  the  general  was  too 
much  of  a  gentleman  to  ask  a  favour  of  this  kind 
from  his  fellow  chief,  who,  on  the  other  hand,  would 
not  derogate  so  much  from  his  own  dignity,  as  to 
offer  such  assistance  unasked ;  for  I  may  venture  to 
affirm,  that,  by  this  time,  the  demon  of  Discord,  with 
[116] 


MANAGEMENT   OF  THE   EXPEDITION 

her  sooty  wings,  had  breathed  her  influence  upon  our 
counsels ;  and  it  might  be  said  of  these  great  men, 
(I  hope  they  will  pardon  the  comparison,)  as  of  Caesar 
and  Pompey,  the  one  could  not  brook  a  superior, 
and  the  other  was  impatient  of  an  equal ;  so  that, 
between  the  pride  of  one  and  insolence  of  another, 
the  enterprise  miscarried,  according  to  the  proverb, 
"Between  two  stools,  the  backside  falls  to  the 
ground."  Not  that  I  would  be  thought  to  liken 
any  public  concern  to  that  opprobrious  part  of  the 
human  body,  though  I  might  with  truth  assert,  if 
I  durst  use  such  a  vulgar  idiom,  that  the  nation 
did  hang  an  a — se  at  its  disappointment  on  this 
occasion ;  neither  would  I  presume  to  compare  the 
capacity  of  our  heroic  leaders  to  any  such  wooden 
convenience  as  a  joint-stool,  or  a  close-stool,  but  only 
to  signify  by  this  simile  the  mistake  the  people  com- 
mitted in  trusting  to  the  union  of  two  instruments 
that  were  never  joined. 

A  day  or  two  after  the  attempt  on  St.  Lazar,  the 
admiral  ordered  one  of  the  Spanish  men-of-war  we  had 
taken  to  be  mounted  with  sixteen  guns,  and  manned 
with  detachments  from  our  great  ships,  in  order 
to  batter  the  town.  Accordingly  she  was  towed  into 
the  inner  harbour  in  the  night,  and  moored  within 
half  a  mile  of  the  walls,  against  which  she  began  to 
fire  at  day-break ;  and  continued  about  six  hours 
exposed  to  the  opposition  of  at  least  thirty  pieces  of 
cannon,  which  at  length  obliged  our  men  to  set  her 
on  fire,  and  get  off  as  well  as  they  could  in  their  boats. 
This  piece  of  conduct  afforded  matter  of  speculation 
to  all  the  wits  either  in  the  army  or  navy,  who  were 
[117] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

at  last  fain  to  acknowledge  it  was  a  stroke  of  policy 
above  their  comprehension.  Some  entertained  such 
an  irreverent  opinion  of  the  admiral's  understanding, 
as  to  think  he  expected  the  town  would  surrender  to 
his  floating  battery  of  sixteen  guns.  Others  imagined 
his  sole  intention  was  to  try  the  enemy's  strength, 
by  which  he  should  be  able  to  compute  the  number 
of  great  ships  that  would  be  necessary  to  force  the 
town  to  a  capitulation.  But  this  last  conjecture 
soon  appeared  groundless,  inasmuch  as  no  ships  of 
any  kind  whatever  were  afterwards  employed  on 
that  service.  A  third  sort  swore,  that  no  other 
cause  could  be  assigned  for  this  undertaking,  than 
that  which  induced  Don  Quixote  to  attack  the 
windmilL 

A  fourth  class,  and  that  the  most  numerous, 
though,  without  doubt,  composed  of  the  sanguine  and 
malicious,  plainly  taxed  this  commander  for  want 
of  honesty,  as  well  as  sense;  and  alleged,  that  he 
ought  to  have  sacrificed  private  pique  to  the  interest 
of  his  country ;  that,  where  the  lives  of  so  many  brave 
fellow-citizens  were  concerned,  he  ought  to  have  con- 
curred with  the  general,  without  being  solicited,  or 
even  desired,  towards  their  preservation  and  advan- 
tage ;  that,  if  his  arguments  could  not  dissuade  him 
from  a  desperate  enterprise,  it  was  his  duty  to  have 
rendered  it  as  practicable  as  possible,  without  running 
extreme  hazard ;  that  this  could  have  been  done,  with 
a  good  prospect  of  success,  by  ordering  five  or  six  large 
ships  to  batter  the  town,  while  the  land  forces  stormed 
the  castle;  by  these  means  a  considerable  diversion 
would  have  been  made  in  favour  of  those  troops,  who, 
[118] 


MANAGEMENT  OF  THE   EXPEDITION 

in  their  march  to  the  assault,  and  in  their  retreat, 
suffered  much  more  from  the  town  than  from  the 
castle ;  that  the  inhabitants,  seeing  themselves  vigor- 
ously attacked  on  all  hands,  would  have  been  divided, 
distracted,  and  confused,  and,  in  all  probability, 
unable  to  resist  the  assailants.  But  all  these  sug- 
gestions surely  proceeded  from  ignorance  and  malevo- 
lence, or  else  the  admiral  would  not  have  found  it 
such  an  easy  matter,  at  his  return  to  England,  to 
justify  his  conduct  to  a  ministry  at  once  so  upright 
and  discerning.  True  it  is,  that  those  who  under- 
took to  vindicate  him  on  the  spot,  asserted  that  there 
was  not  water  enough  for  our  great  ships  near  the 
town ;  though  this  was  a  little  unfortunately  urged, 
because  there  happened  to  be  pilots  in  the  fleet  per- 
fectly well  acquainted  with  the  soundings  of  the 
harbour,  who  affirmed  there  was  water  enough 
for  five  eighty-gun  ships  to  lie  abreast,  almost  up  at 
the  very  walls.  The  disappointments  we  suffered 
occasioned  a  universal  dejection,  which  was  not  at  all 
alleviated  by  the  objects  that  daily  and  hourly  en- 
tertained our  eyes,  nor  by  the  prospect  of  what  must 
have  inevitably  happened,  had  we  remained  much 
longer  in  this  place.  Such  was  the  economy  in 
some  ships,  that,  rather  than  be  at  the  trouble  of 
interring  the  dead,  the  commanders  ordered  their 
men  to  throw  their  bodies  overboard,  many  without 
either  ballast  or  winding-sheet;  so  that  numbers 
of  human  carcasses  floated  in  the  harbour,  until 
they  were  devoured  by  sharks  and  carrion  crows, 
which  afforded  no  agreeable  spectacle  to  those 
who  survived.  At  the  same  time  the  wet  season 
[119] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

began,  during  which  a  deluge  of  rain  falls  from  the 
rising  to  the  setting  of  the  sun,  without  intermis- 
sion ;  and  that  no  sooner  ceases,  than  it  begins  to 
thunder  and  lighten  with  such  continual  flashing, 
that  one  can  see  to  read  a  very  small  print  by  the 
illumination. 


[120] 


CHAPTER  THIRTY-FOUR 

AN  EPIDEMIC  FEVER  RAGES  AMONG  US WE  ABANDON 

OUR  CONQUESTS I  AM  SEIZED  WITH  THE  DISTEMPER 

WRITE  A  PETITION  TO  THE  CAPTAIN,  WHICH  IS  RE- 
JECTED   I  AM  IN  DANGER  OF  SUFFOCATION  THROUGH 

THE  MALICE  OF  CRAMPLEY  ;  AND  RELIEVED  BY  A 

SERJEANT MY  FEVER  INCREASES THE  CHAPLAIN 

WANTS  TO  CONFESS  ME I  OBTAIN  A  FAVOURABLE 

CRISIS  —  MORGAN'S  AFFECTION  FOR  ME  PROVED  — 
THE  BEHAVIOUR   OF   MACKSHANE    AND   CRAMPLEY 

TOWARDS  ME CAPTAIN  OAKUM  IS  REMOVED  INTO 

ANOTHER  SHIP,  WITH  HIS  BELOVED  DOCTOR OUR 

NEW   CAPTAIN    DESCRIBED AN    ADVENTURE    OF 

MORGAN. 


j~       ""^HE  change  of  the  atmosphere,  occasioned 
by  this  phenomenon,  conspired,  with  the 
stench  that  surrounded  us,  the  heat  of 
JL~         the  climate,  our  own  constitutions  im- 
poverished by   bad  provisions,  and  our  despair,  to 
introduce  the  bilious  fever  among  us,  which  raged  with 
such  violence,  that  three-fourths  of  those  whom   it 
invaded  died  in  a  deplorable  manner ;  the  colour  of 
their  skin  being,  by  the  extreme  putrefaction  of  the 
juices,  changed  into  that  of  soot. 

Our  conductors,  finding  things  in  this  situation, 
perceived  it  was  high  time  to  relinquish  our  con- 
quests ;  and  this  we  did,  after  having  rendered  their 
[121] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

artillery  useless,  and  blown  up  their  walls  with  gun- 
powder. Just  as  we  sailed  from  Boca  Chica  on  our 
return  to  Jamaica,  I  found  myself  threatened  with 
the  symptoms  of  this  terrible  distemper ;  and  know- 
ing very  well  that  I  stood  no  chance  for  my  life,  if  I 
should  be  obliged  to  lie  in  the  cock -pit,  which  by 
this  time  was  grown  intolerable,  even  to  people  in 
health,  by  reason  of  the  heat  and  unwholesome  smell 
of  decayed  provision,  I  wrote  a  petition  to  the  cap- 
tain, representing  my  case,  and  humbly  imploring 
his  permission  to  lie  among  the  soldiers  in  the  mid- 
dle deck,  for  the  benefit  of  the  air;  but  I  might 
have  spared  myself  the  trouble  ;  for  this  humane 
commander  refused  my  request,  and  ordered  me  to 
continue  in  the  place  allotted  for  the  surgeon's 
mates,  or  else  to  be  contented  to  lie  in  the  hos- 
pital, which,  by  the  by,  was  three  degrees  more 
offensive  and  more  suffocating  than  our  own  berth 
below. 

Another  in  my  condition,  perhaps,  would  have 
submitted  to  his  fate,  and  died  in  a  pet ;  but  I  could 
not  brook  the  thoughts  of  perishing  so  pitifully,  after 
I  had  weathered  so  many  gales  of  hard  fortune.  I 
therefore,  without  minding  Oakum's  injunction,  pre- 
vailed upon  the  soldiers,  whose  good  will  I  had  ac- 
quired, to  admit  my  hammock  among  them,  and 
actually  congratulated  myself  upon  my  comfortable 
situation ;  which  Crampley  no  sooner  understood, 
than  he  signified  to  the  captain  my  contempt  of  his 
orders,  and  was  invested  with  the  power  to  turn  me 
down  again  into  my  proper  habitation.  This  bar- 
barous piece  of  revenge  incensed  me  so  much  against 


RELIEVED    BY    A    SERJEANT 

the  author,  that  I  vowed,  with  bitter  imprecations, 
to  call  him  to  a  severe  account,  if  ever  it  should  be 
in  my  power ;  and  the  agitation  of  my  spirits  increased 
my  fever  to  a  violent  degree.  While  I  lay  gasping 
for  breath  in  this  infernal  abode,  I  was  visited  by  a 
serjeant,  the  bones  of  whose  nose  I  had  reduced  and 
set  to  rights,  after  they  had  been  demolished  by  a 
splinter  during  our  last  engagement.  He  being  in- 
formed of  my  condition,  offered  me  the  use  of  his 
berth  in  the  middle  deck,  which  was  enclosed  with 
canvas,  and  well  aired  by  a  port-hole  that  remained 
open  within  it.  I  embraced  this  proposal  with  joy, 
and  was  immediately  conducted  to  the  place,  where  I 
was  treated,  while  my  illness  lasted,  with  the  utmost 
tenderness  and  care  by  this  grateful  halberdier,  who 
had  no  other  bed  for  himself  than  a  hen-coop,  during 
the  whole  passage.  Here  I  lay,  and  enjoyed  the 
breeze  ;  notwithstanding  which,  my  malady  gained 
ground,  and  at  length  my  life  was  despaired  of,  though 
I  never  lost  hopes  of  recovery,  even  when  I  had  the 
mortification  to  see,  from  my  cabin  window,  six  or 
seven  thrown  overboard  every  day,  who  died  of  the 
same  distemper.  This  confidence,  I  am  persuaded, 
conduced  a  great  deal  to  the  preservation  of  my  life, 
especially  when  joined  to  another  resolution  I  took 
at  the  beginning,  namely,  to  refuse  all  medicine,  which 
I  could  not  help  thinking  co-operated  with  the  disease, 
and,  instead  of  resisting  putrefaction,  promoted  a  to- 
tal degeneracy  of  the  vital  fluid.  When  my  friend 
Morgan,  therefore,  brought  his  diaphoretic  boluses, 
I  put  them  in  my  mouth,  't  is  true,  but  without  any 
intention  of  swallowing  them ;  and,  when  he  went 
[123] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

away,  spit  them  out,  and  washed  my  mouth  with 
water-gruel :  I  seemingly  complied  in  this  manner, 
that  I  might  not  affront  the  blood  of  Caractacus,  by 
a  refusal  which  might  have  intimated  a  diffidence  of 
his  physical  capacity ;  for  he  acted  as  my  physician, 
Doctor  Mackshane  never  once  inquiring  about  me, 
or  even  knowing  where  I  was.  When  my  distemper 
was  at  the  height,  Morgan  thought  my  case  desperate ; 
and,  after  having  applied  a  blister  to  the  nape  of  my 
neck,  squeezed  my  hand,  bidding  me,  with  a  woeful 
countenance,  recommend  myself  to  Cot  and  my  Re- 
teemer ;  then  taking  his  leave,  desired  the  chaplain 
to  come  and  administer  some  spiritual  consolation 
to  me ;  but  before  he  arrived,  I  made  shift  to  rid 
myself  of  the  troublesome  application  the  Welshman 
had  bestowed  on  my  back.  The  parson  having  felt 
my  pulse,  inquired  into  the  nature  of  my  complaints, 
hemmed  a  little,  and  began  thus  :  "  Mr.  Random, 
God  out  of  his  infinite  mercy  hath  been  pleased  to 
visit  you  with  a  dreadful  distemper,  the  issue  of  which 
no  man  knows.  You  may  be  permitted  to  recover, 
and  live  many  days  on  the  face  of  the  earth ;  and, 
which  is  more  probable,  you  may  be  taken  away  and 
cut  off  in  the  flower  of  your  youth.  It  is  incumbent 
on  you,  therefore,  to  prepare  for  the  great  change,  by 
repenting  sincerely  of  your  sins ;  of  this  there  cannot 
be  a  greater  sign,  than  an  ingenuous  confession,  which 
I  conjure  you  to  make,  without  hesitation  or  mental 
reservation ;  and  when  I  am  convinced  of  your  sin- 
cerity, I  will  then  give  you  such  comfort  as  the  situa- 
tion of  your  soul  will  admit  of.  Without  doubt,  you 
have  been  guilty  of  numberless  transgressions  to  which 
[124] 


SPIRITUAL    CONSOLATION 

youth  is  subject,  as  swearing,  drunkenness,  whoredom, 
and  adultery ;  tell  me,  therefore,  without  reserve,  the 
particulars  of  each,  especially  the  last,  that  I  may  be 
acquainted  with  the  true  state  of  your  conscience  : 
for  no  physician  will  prescribe  for  his  patient  until 
he  knows  the  circumstances  of  his  disease."  As  I  was 
not  under  any  apprehensions  of  death,  I  could  not 
help  smiling  at  the  chaplain's  inquisitive  remon- 
strance, which  I  told  him  savoured  more  of  the 
Roman  than  of  the  Protestant  Church,  in  recom- 
mending auricular  confession ;  a  thing,  in  my  opin- 
ion, not  at  all  necessary  to  salvation,  and  which,  for 
that  reason,  I  declined. 

This  reply  disconcerted  him  a  little ;  however  he 
explained  away  his  meaning,  in  making  learned  dis- 
tinctions between  what  was  absolutely  necessary,  and 
what  was  only  convenient;  then  proceeded  to  ask 
what  religion  I  professed.  I  answered,  that  I  had 
not  as  yet  considered  the  difference  of  religions,  con- 
sequently had  not  fixed  on  any  one  in  particular,  but 
that  I  was  bred  a  Presbyterian.  At  this  word  the 
chaplain  expressed  great  astonishment,  and  said  he 
could  not  apprehend  how  a  Presbyterian  was  entitled 
to  any  post  under  the  English  government.  Then 
he  asked  if  I  had  ever  received  the  sacrament,  or  taken 
the  oaths;  to  which  questions  I  replying  in  the 
negative,  he  held  up  his  hands,  assured  me  he  could 
do  me  no  service,  wished  I  might  not  be  in  a  state  of 
reprobation,  and  retunied  to  his  messmates,  who  were 
making  merry  in  the  ward-room,  round  a  table  well 
stored  with  bumbo1  and  wine.  This  insinuation, 

1  Bumbo  is  a  liquor  composed  of  rum,  sugar,  water,  and  nutmeg. 

[1251 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

terrible  as  it  was,  had  not  such  an  effect  upon  me  as 
the  fever,  which,  soon  after  he  had  left  me,  grew 
outrageous;  I  began  to  see  strange  chimeras,  and 
concluded  myself  on  the  point  of  becoming  delirious  ; 
in  the  meantime,  being  in  great  danger  of  suffocation, 
I  started  up  in  a  kind  of  frantic  fit,  with  an  intention 
to  plunge  myself  into  the  sea ;  and  as  my  friend  the 
serjeant  was  not  present,  would  certainly  have  cooled 
myself  to  some  purpose,  had  I  not  perceived  a  mois- 
ture upon  my  thigh,  as  I  endeavoured  to  get  out  of 
my  hammock.  The  appearance  of  this  revived  my 
hopes,  and  I  had  reflection  and  resolution  enough 
to  take  advantage  of  this  favourable  symptom,  by 
tearing  the  shirt  from  my  body,  and  sheets  from  my 
bed,  and  wrapping  myself  in  a  thick  blanket,  in  which 
enclosure,  for  about  a  quarter  of  an  hour,  I  felt  the 
pains  of  hell ;  but  it  was  not  long  before  I  was  recom- 
pensed for  my  suffering,  by  a  profuse  sweat,  that, 
bursting  from  the  whole  surface  of  my  skin,  in  less 
than  two  hours  relieved  me  from  all  my  complaints, 
except  that  of  weakness  ;  and  left  me  as  hungry  as  a 
kite. 

I  enjoyed  a  very  comfortable  nap,  after  which  I 
was  regaling  myself  with  the  agreeable  reverie  of  my 
future  happiness,  when  I  heard  Morgan,  on  the  out- 
side of  the  curtain,  ask  the  serjeant  if  I  was  alive 
still?  "Alive!"  cried  the  other,  "God  forbid  he 
should  be  otherwise !  he  has  lain  quiet  these  five 
hours,  and  I  do  not  choose  to  disturb  him,  for  sleep 
will  do  him  great  service."  "  Aye,"  said  my  fellow- 
mate,  "he  sleeps  so  sound,  look  you,  that  he  will 
never  waken  till  the  great  trump  blows.  Cot  be 
[126] 


THE    CRISIS    PAST 

merciful  to  his  soul !  He  has  paid  his  debt  like  an 
honest  man.  Aye,  and  moreover  he  is  at  rest  from 
all  persecutions,  and  troubles,  and  afflictions,  of  which, 
Cot  knows,  and  I  know,  he  had  his  own  share. 
Ochree !  Ochree !  he  was  a  promising  youth,  indeed." 
So  saying,  he  groaned  grievously,  and  began  to  whine 
in  such  a  manner,  as  persuaded  me  he  had  a  real 
friendship  for  me.  The  serjeant,  alarmed  at  his 
words,  came  into  the  berth,  and  while  he  looked 
upon  me,  I  smiled,  and  tipped  him  the  wink;  he 
immediately  guessed  my  meaning,  and,  remaining 
silent,  Morgan  was  confirmed  in  his  opinion  of  my 
being  dead :  whereupon  he  approached  with  tears  in 
his  eyes,  in  order  to  indulge  his  grief  with  the  sight 
of  the  object.  And  I  counterfeited  death  so  well,  by 
fixing  my  eyes,  and  dropping  my  under  jaw,  that  he 
said,  "  There  he  lies,  no  petter  than  a  lump  of  clay, 
Cot  help  me ; "  and  observed,  by  the  distortion  of  my 
face,  that  I  must  have  had  a  strong  struggle.  I 
should  not  have  been  able  to  contain  myself  much 
longer,  when  he  began  to  perform  the  last  duty 
of  a  friend,  in  closing  my  eyes  and  my  mouth; 
upon  which  I  suddenly  snapped  at  his  fingers,  and 
discomposed  him  so  much,  that  he  started  back, 
turned  pale  as  ashes,  and  stared  like  the  picture  of 
Horror. 

Although  I  could  not  help  laughing  at  his  appear- 
ance, I  was  concerned  for  his  situation,  and  stretched 
out  my  hand,  telling  him  I  hoped  to  live  and  eat 
some  salmagundy  of  his  making  in  England.  It 
was  some  time  before  he  could  recollect  himself  so 
far  as  to  feel  my  pulse,  and  inquire  into  the  particu- 
[127] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

lars  of  my  disease.  But  when  he  found  I  had 
enjoyed  a  favourable  crisis,  he  congratulated  me 
upon  my  good  fortune,  not  failing  to  ascribe  it, 
under  Cot,  to  the  blister  he  had  applied  to  my 
back,  at  his  last  visit,  "  Which,  by  the  by,"  said  he, 
"must  now  be  removed  and  dressed."  He  was 
actually  going  to  fetch  dressings,  when  I,  feigning 
astonishment,  said,  "  Bless  me !  sure  you  never 
applied  a  blister  to  me;  there  is  nothing  on  my 
back,  I  assure  you."  But  he  could  not  be  convinced 
till  he  had  examined  it,  and  then  endeavoured  to 
conceal  his  confusion,  by  expressing  his  surprise  in 
finding  the  skin  untouched,  and  the  plaster  missing. 
In  order  to  excuse  myself  for  paying  so  little  regard 
to  his  prescription,  I  pretended  to  have  been  insen- 
sible when  it  was  put  on,  and  to  have  pulled  it  off 
afterwards  in  a  fit  of  delirium.  This  apology  satis- 
fied my  friend,  who  on  this  occasion  abated  a  good 
deal  of  his  stiffness  in  regard  to  punctilio ;  and  as  we 
were  now  safely  arrived  at  Jamaica,  where  I  had  the 
benefit  of  fresh  provisions  and  other  refreshments,  I 
recovered  strength  every  day,  and,  in  a  short  time, 
my  health  and  vigour  were  perfectly  re-established. 
When  I  got  up  at  first,  and  was  just  able  to  crawl 
about  the  deck  with  a  staff  in  my  hand,  I  met  Doctor 
Mackshane,  who  passed  by  me  with  a  disdainful  look, 
and  did  not  vouchsafe  to  honour  me  with  one  word. 
After  him  came  Crampley,  who,  strutting  up  to  me, 
with  a  fierce  countenance,  pronounced,  "  Here's  fine 
discipline  on  board,  when  such  lazy  skulking  sons  of 
b — hes  as  you  are  allowed,  on  pretence  of  sickness, 
to  lollop  at  your  ease,  while  your  betters  are  kept  to 
[  128  ] 


CRAMPLEY'S    MALICE 

hard  duty !  "  The  sight  and  behaviour  of  this  mali- 
cious scoundrel  enraged  me  so  much,  that  I  could 
scarce  refrain  from  laying  my  cudgel  across  his  pate ; 
but  when  I  considered  my  present  feebleness,  and 
the  enemies  I  had  in  the  ship,  who  wanted  only  a 
pretence  to  ruin  me,  I  restrained  my  passion,  and 
contented  myself  with  telling  him,  I  had  not  forgot 
his  insolence  and  malice,  and  that  I  hoped  we  should 
meet  one  day  on  shore.  At  this  declaration  he 
grinned,  shook  his  fist,  and  swore  he  longed  for 
nothing  more  than  such  an  opportunity. 

Meanwhile  our  ship  was  ordered  to  be  heaved 
down,  victualled,  and  watered,  for  her  return  to 
England ;  and  our  captain,  for  some  reason  or  other, 
not  thinking  it  convenient  for  him  to  revisit  his 
native  country  at  this  time,  exchanged  with  a  gen- 
tleman, who,  on  the  other  hand,  wished  for  nothing 
so  much,  as  to  be  safe  without  the  tropic ;  all  his 
care  and  tenderness  of  himself  being  insufficient  to 
preserve  his  complexion  from  the  injuries  of  the  sun 
and  weather. 

Our  tyrant  having  left  the  ship,  and  carried  his 
favourite  Mackshane  along  with  him,  to  my  inex- 
pressible satisfaction,  our  new  commander  came  on 
board  in  a  ten-oared  barge,  overshadowed  with  a 
vast  umbrella,  and  appeared  in  everything  the 
reverse  of  Oakum,  being  a  tall,  thin,  young  man, 
dressed  in  this  manner :  a  white  hat,  garnished  with 
a  red  feather,  adorned  his  head,  from  whence  his  hair 
flowed  upon  his  shoulders,  in  ringlets,  tied  behind 
with  a  ribbon.  His  coat,  consisting  of  pink-coloured 
silk  lined  with  white,  by  the  elegance  of  the  cut 
TOL.II.  — 9  [129] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

retired  backward,  as  it  were  to  discover  a  white  satin 
waistcoat  embroidered  with  gold,  unbuttoned  at  the 
upper  part  to  display  a  brooch  set  with  garnets,  that 
glittered  in  the  breast  of  his  shirt,  which  was  of  the 
finest  cambric,  edged  with  right  Mechlin.  The  knees 
of  his  crimson  velvet  breeches  scarcely  descended  so 
low  as  to  meet  his  silk  stockings,  which  rose  without 
spot  or  wrinkle  on.  his  meagre  legs,  from  shoes  of 
blue  Meroquin,  studded  with  diamond  buckles,  that 
flamed  forth  rivals  to  the  sun  !  A  steel-hilted  sword, 
inlaid  with  gold,  and  decked  with  a  knot  of  ribbon 
which  fell  down  in  a  rich  tassel,  equipped  his  side ; 
and  an  amber-headed  cane  hung  dangling  from  his 
wrist.  But  the  most  remarkable  parts  of  his  furni- 
ture were,  a  mask  on  his  face,  and  white  gloves  on 
his  hands,  which  did  not  seem  to  be  put  on  with 
an  intention  to  be  pulled  off  occasionally,  but  were 
fixed  with  a  curious  ring  on  the  little  finger  of  each 
hand.  In  this  garb  Captain  Whiffle,  for  that  was 
his  name,  took  possession  of  the  ship,  surrounded 
with  a  crowd  of  attendants,  all  of  whom,  in  their 
different  degrees,  seemed  to  be  of  their  patron's 
disposition  ;  and  the  air  was  so  impregnated  with  per- 
fumes, that  one  may  venture  to  affirm  the  clime  of 
Arabia  Felix  was  not  half  so  sweet-scented.  My 
fellow-mate,  observing  no  surgeon  among  his  train, 
thought  he  had  found  an  occasion  too  favourable  for 
himself  to  be  neglected ;  and  remembering  the  old 
proverb,  "Spare  to  speak,  and  spare  to  speed," 
resolved  to  solicit  the  new  captain's  interest  imme- 
diately, before  any  other  surgeon  could  be  appointed 
for  the  ship. 

[130] 


MORGAN    AND    CAPTAIN    WHIFFLE 

With  this  view  he  repaired  to  the  cabin  in  his 
ordinary  dress,  consisting  of  a  check  shirt  and  trou- 
sers, a  brown  linen  waistcoat,  and  a  nightcap  of  the 
same  (neither  of  them  very  clean),  which,  for  his 
future  misfortune,  happened  to  smell  strong  of 
tobacco.  Entering  without  any  ceremony  into  this 
sacred  place,  he  found  Captain  Whiffle  reposing  on 
a  couch,  with  a  wrapper  of  fine  chintz  about  his 
body,  and  a  muslin  cap  bordered  with  lace  about  his 
head ;  and,  after  several  low  congees,  began  in  this 
manner :  "  Sir,  I  hope  you  will  forgive,  and  excuse, 
and  pardon  the  presumption  of  one  who  has  not  the 
honour  of  being  known  unto  you,  but  who  is,  never- 
theless, a  shentleman  porn  and  pred,  and  moreover 
has  had  misfortunes,  Cot  help  me,  in  the  world." 
Here  he  was  interrupted  by  the  captain,  who,  on 
seeing  him,  had  started  up  with  great  amazement  at 
the  novelty  of  the  apparition ;  and  having  recollected 
himself,  pronounced,  with  a  look  and  tone  signifying 
disdain,  curiosity,  and  surprise,  "Zauns!  who  art 
thou  ? "  "  I  am  surgeon's  first  mate  on  board  of 
this  ship,""  replied  Morgan,  "  and  I  most  vehemently 
desire  and  beseech  you,  with  all  submission,  to  be 
pleased  to  condescend,  and  vouchsafe  to  inquire  into 
my  character,  and  my  pehaviour,  and  my  deserts, 
which,  under  Cot,  I  hope  will  entitle  me  to  the 
vacancy  of  surgeon."  As  he  proceeded  in  his  speech, 
he  continued  advancing  toward  the  captain,  whose 
nostrils  were  no  sooner  saluted  with  the  aromatic 
flavour  that  exhaled  from  him,  than  he  cried,  with 
great  emotion,  "  Heaven  preserve  me !  I  am  suffo- 
cated !  Fellow,  fellow,  away  with  thee.  Curse  thee, 
[131] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

fellow !  get  thee  gone.  I  shall  be  stunk  to  death  ! " 
At  the  noise  of  his  outcries,  his  servants  ran  into  his 
apartment,  and  he  accosted  them  thus :  "  Villains ! 
cut-throats !  traitors !  I  am  betrayed !  I  am  sacri- 
ficed !  —  Will  you  not  carry  that  monster  away  ?  or 
must  I  be  stifled  with  the  stench  of  him  !  oh  !  oh  ! " 
With  these  interjections  he  sunk  down  upon  his 
settee  in  a  fit ;  his  valet  de  chambre  plied  him  with 
a  smelling  bottle,  one  footman  chafed  his  temples 
with  Hungary  water,  another  sprinkled  the  floor  with 
spirits  of  lavender,  a  third  pushed  Morgan  out  of  the 
cabin ;  who,  coming  to  the  place  where  I  was,  sat 
down  with  a  demure  countenance,  and,  according  to 
his  custom,  when  he  received  an  indignity  which  he 
durst  not  revenge,  began  to  sing  a  Welsh  ditty.  I 
guessed  he  was  under  some  agitation  of  spirits,  and 
desired  to  know  the  cause ;  but,  instead  of  answer- 
ing me  directly,  he  asked,  with  great  emotion,  if  I 
thought  him  a  monster  and  a  stinkard  ?  "  A  mon- 
ster and  a  stinkard,'1  said  I,  with  some  surprise,  "  did 
anybody  call  you  so  ?  "  "  Cot  is  my  judge,""  replied 
he,  "  Captain  Fifle  did  call  me  both ;  aye,  and  all  the 
water  in  the  Tawy  will  not  wash  it  out  of  my  remem- 
brance. I  do  affirm,  and  vouch,  and  maintain,  with 
my  soul,  and  my  pody,  and  my  plood,  look  you,  that 
I  have  no  smells  about  me,  but  such  as  a  Christian 
ought  to  have,  except  the  effluvia  of  tobacco,  which 
is  a  cephalic,  odoriferous,  aromatic  herb,  and  he  is  a 
son  of  a  mountain  goat  who  says  otherwise.  As  for 
my  being  a  monster,  let  that  be  as  it  is  :  I  am  as 
Cot  was  pleased  to  create  me,  which,  peradventure, 
is  more  than  I  shall  aver  of  him  who  gave  me 
[132  ] 


MORGAN    AND    CAPTAIN    WHIFFLE 

that  title ;  for  I  will  proclaim  it  before  the  world, 
that  he  is  disguised,  and  transfigured,  and  trans- 
mographied  with  affectation  and  whimsies,  and  that 
he  is  more  like  a  papoon  than  one  of  the  human 
race." 


[133] 


CHAPTER    THIRTY-FIVE 

CAPTAIN    WHIFFLE    SENDS    FOR    ME HIS    SITUATION 

DESCRIBED HIS     SURGEON     ARRIVES,    PRESCRIBES 

FOR    HIM,  AND    PUTS    HIM    TO    BED A    BED    IS 

PUT  UP  FOR  MR.  SIMPER  CONTIGUOUS  TO  THE 
STATE  ROOM,  WHICH,  WITH  OTHER  PARTS  OF 
THE  CAPTAIN'S  BEHAVIOUR,  GIVES  THE  SHIP'S  COM- 
PANY A  VERY  UNFAVOURABLE  IDEA  OF  THEIR 

COMMANDER 1      AM      DETAINED       IN      THE     WEST 

INDIES     BY     THE     ADMIRAL,     AND     GO     ON     BOARD 

OF  THE  Lizard  SLOOP  OF  WAR  IN  QUALITY  OF 
SURGEON'S  MATE,  WHERE  I  MAKE  MYSELF  KNOWN 

TO   THE    SURGEON,    WHO    TREATS    ME    VERY    KINDLY 

1     GO     ON     SHORE,    SELL    MY    TICKET,    PURCHASE 

NECESSARIES,  AND,  AT  MY  RETURN  ON  BOARD,  AM 
SURPRISED  AT  THE  SIGHT  OF  CRAMPLEY,  WHO  IS 

APPOINTED   LIEUTENANT   OF   THE    SLOOP WE    SAIL 

ON  A  CRUISE TAKE   A   PRIZE,  IN  WHICH   I   ARRIVE 

AT  PORT  MORANT,  UNDER  THE  COMMAND  OF 
MY  MESSMATE,  WITH  WHOM  I  LIVE  IN  GREAT 
HARMONY. 


H 


E  was  going  on  with  an  eulogium  upon 
the  captain,  when  I  received  a  message 
to  clean  myself,  and  go  up  to  the 

great  cabin ;  and  with  this  command 

I  instantly  complied,  sweetening  myself  with   rose 

water  from  the  medicine  chest.     When  I  entered 

the  room,  I  was  ordered  to  stand  by  the  door,  until 

[134] 


CAPTAIN  WHIFFLE  SENDS   FOR  ME 

Captain  Whiffle  had  reconnoitred  me  at  a  distance 
with  a  spy-glass.  He  having  consulted  one  sense  in 
this  manner,  bade  me  advance  gradually,  that  his 
nose  might  have  intelligence,  before  it  could  be 
much  offended.  I  therefore  approached  with  great 
caution  and  success,  and  he  was  pleased  to  say, 
"  Aye,  this  creature  is  tolerable."  I  found  him  loll- 
ing on  his  couch  with  a  languishing  air,  his  head 
supported  by  his  valet  de  chambre,  who,  from  time 
to  time,  applied  a  smelling  bottle  to  his  nose. 
"Vergette,"  said  he,  in  a  squeaking  tone,  "dost 
thou  think  this  wretch  (meaning  me)  will  do  me  no 
injury  ?  may  I  venture  to  submit  my  arm  to  him  ?  " 
"  Pon  my  vord,"  replied  the  valet,  "  I  do  tink  dat 
dere  be  great  occasion  for  your  honour  losing  one 
small  quantity  of  blodt;  and  the  young  man  ave 
quelque  chose  of  de  bonne  mien."  "Well,  then," 
said  his  master,  **  I  think  I  must  venture."  Then, 
addressing  himself  to  me,  "  Hast  thou  ever  blooded 
any  body  but  brutes  ?  But  I  need  not  ask  thee,  for 
thou  wilt  tell  me  a  most  damnable  lie."  "Brutes, 
Sir  ? "  answered  I,  pulling  down  his  glove,  in  order 
to  feel  his  pulse,  "I  never  meddle  with  brutes." 
"  What  the  devil  art  thou  about  ?  "  cried  he ;  «« dost 
thou  intend  to  twist  off  my  hand  ?  God's  curse !  my 
arm  is  benumbed  up  to  the  very  shoulder !  Heaven 
have  mercy  upon  me  !  must  I  perish  under  the  hands 
of  savages  ?  What  an  unfortunate  dog  was  I,  to 
come  on  board  without  my  own  surgeon,  Mr. 
Simper ! "  I  craved  pardon  for  having  handled  him 
so  roughly,  and,  with  the  utmost  care  and  tender- 
ness, tied  up  his  arm  with  a  fillet  of  silk.  While  I 
[135]  ^ 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

was  feeling  for  the  vein,  he  desh-ed  to  know  how 
much  blood  I  intended  to  take  from  him,  and  when 
I  answered,  "  Not  above  twelve  ounces,"  started  up 
with  a  look  full  of  horror,  and  bade  me  be  gone, 
swearing  I  had  a  design  upon  his  life.  Vergette 
appeased  him  with  difficulty,  and  opening  a  bureau, 
took  out  a  pair  of  scales,  in  one  of  which  was  placed 
a  small  cup ;  and  putting  them  into  my  hands,  told 
me  the  captain  never  lost  above  an  ounce  and  three 
drachms  at  one  time.  While  I  prepared  for  this 
important  evacuation,  there  came  into  the  cabin  a 
young  man  gaily  dressed,  of  a  very  delicate  complex- 
ion, with  a  kind  of  languid  smile  on  his  face,  which 
seemed  to  have  been  rendered  habitual  by  a  long 
course  of  affectation.  The  captain  no  sooner  per- 
ceived him,  than,  rising  hastily,  he  flew  into  his 
arms,  crying,  "  O  !  my  dear  Simper !  I  am  excessively 
disordered !  I  have  been  betrayed,  frighted,  mur- 
dered by  the  negligence  of  my  servants,  who  suffered 
a  beast,  a  mule,  a  bear,  to  surprise  me,  and  stink  me 
into  convulsions  with  the  fumes  of  tobacco."  Simper, 
who  by  this  time  I  found  was  obliged  to  art  for  the 
clearness  of  his  complexion,  assumed  an  air  of  soft- 
ness and  sympathy,  and  lamented,  with  many  tender 
expressions  of  sorrow,  the  sad  accident  that  had 
thrown  him  into  that  condition ;  then  feeling  his 
patient's  pulse  on  the  outside  of  his  glove,  gave  it  as 
his  opinion,  that  his  disorder  was  entirely  nervous, 
and  that  some  drops  of  tincture  of  castor,  and  liquid 
laudanum,  would  be  of  more  service  to  him  than 
bleeding,  by  bridling  the  inordinate  sallies  of  his 
spirits,  and  composing  the  fermentation  of  his  bile. 
[136] 


DOCTOR    SIMPER'S    PRESCRIPTION 

I  was  therefore  sent  to  prepare  this  prescription, 
which  was  administered  in  a  glass  of  sack  posset; 
after  the  captain  had  been  put  to  bed,  and  orders 
sent  to  the  officers  on  the  quarter-deck,  to  let 
nobody  walk  on  that  side  under  which  he  lay. 

While  the  captain  enjoyed  his  repose,  the  doctor 
watched  over  him,  and  indeed  became  so  necessary, 
that  a  cabin  was  made  for  him  contiguous  to  the 
state  room,  where  Whiffle  slept,  that  he  might  be  at 
hand  in  case  of  accidents  in  the  night.  Next  day, 
our  commander  being  happily  recovered,  gave  orders 
that  none  of  the  lieutenants  should  appear  upon 
deck  without  a  wig,  sword,  and  ruffles  ;  nor  any  mid- 
shipman, or  other  petty  officer,  be  seen  with  a  check 
shirt,  or  dirty  linen.  He  also  prohibited  any  person 
whatever,  except  Simper,  and  his  own  servants,  from 
coming  into  the  great  cabin,  without  first  sending  in 
to  obtain  leave.  These  singular  regulations  did  not 
prepossess  the  ship's  company  in  his  favour ;  but  on 
the  contrary,  gave  Scandal  an  opportunity  to  be 
very  busy  with  his  character,  and  accuse  him  of 
maintaining  a  correspondence  with  the  surgeon  not 
fit  to  be  named. 

In  a  few  weeks,  our  ship  being  under  sailing 
orders,  I  was  in  hopes  of  revisiting  my  native  country 
in  a  very  short  time,  when  the  admiral's  surgeon 
came  on  board,  and  sending  for  Morgan  and  me  to 
the  quarter-deck,  gave  us  to  understand  there  was  a 
great  scarcity  of  surgeons  in  the  West  Indies ;  that 
he  was  commanded  to  detain  one  mate  out  of  every 
great  ship  that  was  bound  for  England  ;  and  desired 
us  to  agree  between  ourselves,  before  the  next  day 
[137] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

at  that  hour,  which  of  us  should  stay  behind.  We 
were  thunderstruck  at  this  proposal,  and  stared  at 
one  another  some  time  without  speaking ;  at  length 
the  Welshman  broke  silence,  and  offered  to  remain 
in  the  West  Indies,  provided  the  admiral  would  give 
him  a  surgeon's  warrant  immediately ;  but  he  was 
told  there  was  no  want  of  chief  surgeons,  and  that 
he  must  be  contented  with  the  station  of  mate,  till 
he  should  be  further  provided  for  in  due  course. 
Whereupon  Morgan  flatly  refused  to  quit  the  ship 
for  which  the  Commissioners  of  the  Navy  had 
appointed  him ;  and  the  other  told  him  as  plainly, 
that  if  we  could  not  determine  the  affair  by  our- 
selves before  to-morrow  morning,  he  must  cast  lots, 
and  abide  by  his  chance.  When  I  recalled  to  my 
remembrance  the  miseries  I  had  undergone  in  Eng- 
land, where  I  had  not  one  friend  to  promote  my 
interest,  or  favour  my  advancement  in  the  navy,  and, 
at  the  same  time,  reflected  on  the  present  dearth  of 
surgeons  in  the  West  Indies,  and  the  unhealthiness 
of  the  climate,  which  every  day  almost  reduced  the 
number,  I  could  not  help  thinking  my  success  would 
be  much  more  certain  and  expeditious  by  my  staying 
where  I  was,  than  by  returning  to  Europe.  I  there- 
fore resolved  to  comply  with  a  good  grace,  and  next 
day,  when  we  were  ordered  to  throw  dice,  told 
Morgan,  he  need  not  trouble  himself,  for  I  would 
voluntarily  submit  to  the  admiral's  pleasure.  This 
frank  declaration  was  commended  by  the  gentleman, 
who  assured  me,  it  should  not  fare  the  worse  with  me 
for  my  resignation.  Indeed,  he  was  as  good  as  his 
word,  and  that  very  afternoon  procured  a  warrant, 
[138] 


TRANSFERRED    TO    THE    "LIZARD" 

appointing  me  surgeon's  mate  of  the  Lizard  sloop  of 
war,  which  put  me  on  a  footing  with  every  first  mate 
in  the  service. 

My  ticket  being  made  out,  I  put  my  chest  and 
bedding  on  board  a  canoe  that  lay  alongside,  and 
having  shook  hands  with  my  trusty  friend  the 
serjeant,  and  honest  Jack  Rattlin,  who  was  bound 
for  Greenwich  Hospital,  I  took  my  leave  of  Morgan 
with  many  tears,  after  we  had  exchanged  our  sleeve- 
buttons  as  remembrances  of  each  other.  Having 
presented  my  new  warrant  to  the  captain  of  the 
Lizard,  I  inquired  for  the  doctor,  whom  I  no  sooner 
saw,  than  I  recollected  him  to  be  one  of  those  young 
fellows  with  whom  I  had  been  committed  to  the 
Round  House,  during  our  frolic  with  Jackson,  as  I 
have  related  before.  He  received  me  with  a  good 
deal  of  courtesy,  and  when  I  put  him  in  mind  of  our 
former  acquaintance,  expressed  great  joy  at  seeing 
me  again,  and  recommended  me  to  an  exceeding  good 
mess,  composed  of  the  gunner  and  master's  mate. 
As  there  was  not  one  sick  person  in  the  ship,  I  got 
leave  to  go  ashore  next  day  with  the  gunner,  who 
recommended  me  to  a  Jew  that  bought  my  ticket  at 
the  rate  of  forty  per  cent,  discount;  and  having 
furnished  myself  with  what  necessaries  I  wanted, 
returned  on  board  in  the  evening,  and,  to  my  sur- 
prise, found  my  old  antagonist  Crampley  walking 
upon  deck.  Though  I  did  not  fear  his  enmity,  I  was 
shocked  at  his  appearance,  and  communicated  my 
sentiments  on  that  subject  to  Mr.  Tomlins  the 
surgeon,  who  told  me  that  Crampley,  by  dint  of 
some  friends  about  the  admiral,  had  procured  a  com- 
[139]  , 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

mission,  constituting  him  lieutenant  on  board  the 
Lizard;  and  advised  me,  now  he  was  my  superior 
officer,  to  behave  with  some  respect  towards  him,  or 
else  he  would  find  a  thousand  opportunities  of  using 
me  ill.  This  advice  was  a  bitter  potion  to  me,  whom 
pride  and  resentment  had  rendered  utterly  incapable 
of  the  least  submission  to,  or  even  of  a  reconciliation 
with,  the  wretch  who  had  on  many  occasions  treated 
me  so  inhumanly.  However,  I  resolved  to  have  as 
little  connexion  as  possible  with  him,  and  to  in- 
gratiate myself  as  much  as  I  could  with  the  rest  of 
the  officers,  whose  friendship  might  be  a  bulwark  to 
defend  me  from  the  attempts  of  his  malice. 

In  less  than  a  week  we  sailed  on  a  cruise,  and, 
having  weathered  the  east  end  of  the  island,  had  the 
good  fortune  to  take  a  Spanish  barcolongo,  with  her 
prize,  which  was  an  English  ship  bound  for  Bristol, 
that  sailed  from  Jamaica  a  fortnight  before,  without 
convoy.  All  the  prisoners  who  were  well  we  put  on 
shore  on  the  north  side  of  the  island ;  the  prizes  were 
manned  with  Englishmen,  and  the  command  of  the 
barcolongo  given  to  my  friend  the  master's  mate,  with 
orders  to  carry  them  into  Port  Morant,  and  there  to 
remain  until  the  Lizard's  cruise  sliould  be  ended,  at 
which  time  she  would  touch  at  the  same  place  in  her 
way  to  Port  Royal.  With  him  I  was  sent  to  attend 
the  wounded  Spaniards  as  well  as  Englishmen,  who 
amounted  to  sixteen,  and  to  take  care  of  them  on 
shore,  in  a  house  that  was  to  be  hired  as  an  hospital. 
This  destination  gave  me  a  great  deal  of  pleasure,  as 
I  should  for  some  time  be  freed  from  the  arrogance 
of  Crampley,  whose  inveteracy  against  me  had  already 
[140] 


ARRIVAL    AT    PORT    MORANT 

broke  out  on  two  or  three  occasions  since  he  was 
become  a  lieutenant.  My  messmate,  who  very  much 
resembled  my  uncle,  both  in  figure  and  disposition, 
treated  me  on  board  of  the  prize  with  the  utmost 
civility  and  confidence ;  and,  among  other  favours, 
made  me  a  present  of  a  silver-hilted  hanger,  and  a 
pair  of  pistols  mounted  with  the  same  metal,  which 
fell  to  his  share  in  plundering  the  enemy.  We 
arrived  safely  at  Morant,  and  going  on  shore,  pitched 
upon  an  empty  storehouse,  which  we  hired  for  the 
reception  of  the  wounded,  who  were  brought  to  it 
next  day,  with  beds  and  other  necessaries ;  and  four 
of  the  ship's  company  appointed  to  attend  them  and 
obey  me. 


[141] 


CHAPTER    THIRTY-SIX 

A    STRANGE     ADVENTURE IN    CONSEQUENCE    OF   WHICH 

I    AM    EXTREMELY    HAPPY CllAMPLEY    DOES    ME 

ILL  OFFICES  WITH  THE  CAPTAIN  :  BUT  HIS  MALICE 
IS  DEFEATED  BY  THE  GOOD  NATURE  AND  FRIEND- 
SHIP OF  THE  SURGEON WE  RETURN  TO  PORT  ROYAL 

OUR  CAPTAIN    GETS   THE   COMMAND  OF  A  LARGER 

SHIP,  AND  IS  SUCCEEDED    BY  AN  OLD  MAN BRAYL 

IS  PROVIDED  FOR WE  RECEIVE  ORDERS  TO  SAIL  FOR 

ENGLAND. 

WHEN  my  patients  were  all  in  a  fair 
way,  my  companion  and  commander, 
whose  name  was  Brayl,  carried  me  up 
the  country  to  the  house  of  a  rich 
planter,  with  whom   he  was  acquainted;  where  we 
were  sumptuously  entertained,  and,  in  the  evening, 
set  out  on  our  return  to  the  ship.     When  we  had 
walked  about  a  mile  by  moonlight,  we  perceived  a 
horseman  behind  us,  who,  coming  up,  wished  us  good 
even,  and  asked  which  way  we  went?     His  voice, 
which  was  quite  familiar  to  me,  no  sooner  struck  my 
ear,  than,  in  spite  of  all  my  resolution  and  reflection, 
my  hair  bristled  up,  and  I  was  seized  with  a  violent 
fit  of  trembling,  which  Brayl  misinterpreting,  bade 
me  be  under  no  concern.    I  told  him  he  was  mistaken 
in  the  cause  of  my  disorder ;  and,  addressing  myself 
to  the  person  on  horseback,  said,  "  I  could  have  sworn 
[  148] 


ADVENTURE    AT    PORT    MORANT 

by  your  voice,  that  you  was  a  dear  friend  of  mine,  if 
I  had  not  been  certain  of  his  death."  To  this  address, 
after  some  pause,  he  replied,  "  There  are  many  voices 
as  well  as  faces  that  resemble  one  another;  but 
pray,  what  was  your  friend's  name  ?  "  I  satisfied  him 
in  that  particular,  and  gave  a  short  detail  of  the 
melancholy  fate  of  Thomson,  not  without  many  sighs 
and  some  tears.  A  silence  ensued,  which  lasted  some 
minutes,  and  then  the  conversation  turned  on  different 
subjects,  till  we  arrived  at  a  house  on  the  road,  where 
the  horseman  alighted,  and  begged  with  so  much 
earnestness,  that  we  would  go  in  and  drink  a  bowl  of 
punch  with  him,  that  we  could  not  resist.  But  if  I 
was  alarmed  at  his  voice,  what  must  my  amazement 
be,  when  I  discovered  by  the  light  the  very  person  of 
my  lamented  friend !  Perceiving  my  confusion,  which 
was  extreme,  he  clasped  me  in  his  arms,  and  bedewed 
my  face  with  tears.  It  was  some  time  ere  I  recovered 
the  use  of  my  reason,  overpowered  with  this  event, 
and  longer  still  before  I  could  speak ;  so  that  all  I 
was  capable  of  was  to  return  his  embraces,  and  to 
mingle  the  overflowings  of  my  joy  with  his ;  whilst 
honest  Brayl,  affected  with  the  scene,  wept  as  fast  as 
either  of  us,  and  signified  his  participation  of  our 
happiness,  by  hugging  us  both,  and  capering  about 
the  room  like  a  madman.  At  length  I  retrieved  the 
use  of  my  tongue,  and  cried,  "  Is  it  possible,  can  you 
be  my  friend  Thomson  ?  No  certainly,  alas  !  he  was 
drowned !  and  I  am  now  under  the  deception  of  a 
dream  ! "  He  was  at  great  pains  to  convince  me  of 
his  being  the  individual  person  whom  I  regretted, 
and,  bidding  me  sit  down  and  compose  myself, 
[143] 


promised  to  explain  his  sudden  disappearance  from 
the  Thunder,  and  to  account  for  his  being  at  present 
in  the  land  of  the  living. 

This  task  he  acquitted  himself  of,  after  I  had 
drank  a  glass  of  punch,  and  recollected  my  spirits,  by 
informing  us,  that,  with  a  determination  to  rid  him- 
self of  a  miserable  existence,  he  had  gone  in  the 
night-time  to  the  head,  while  the  ship  was  on  her 
way,  from  whence  he  slipped  down  as  softly  as  he 
could  by  the  bows  into  the  sea,  where,  after  he  was 
heartily  ducked,  he  began  to  repent  of  his  precipita- 
tion, and,  as  he  could  swim  very  well,  kept  himself 
above  water,  in  hopes  of  being  taken  up  by  some  of 
the  ships  astern  ;  that,  in  this  situation,  he  hailed  a 
large  vessel,  and  begged  to  be  taken  in,  but  was 
answered  that  she  was  a  heavy  sailer,  and  therefore 
they  did  not  choose  to  lose  time  by  bringing  to; 
however,  they  threw  an  old  chest  overboard  for  his 
convenience,  and  told  him,  that  some  of  the  ships 
astern  would  certainly  save  him ;  that  no  other  vessel 
came  within  sight  or  cry  of  him  for  the  space  of  three 
hours,  during  which  time  he  had  the  mortification  to 
find  himself  in  the  middle  of  the  ocean  alone,  without 
other  support  or  resting-place  but  what  a  few  crazy 
boards  afforded  ;  till  at  last  he  discerned  a  small  sloop 
steering  towards  him,  upon  which  he  set  up  his 
throat,  and  had  the  good  fortune  to  be  heard  and 
rescued  from  the  dreary  waste  by  their  boat,  which 
was  hoisted  out  on  purpose.  "I  was  no  sooner 
brought  on  board,"  continued  he,  "than  I  fainted, 
and  when  I  recovered  my  senses,  found  myself  in  bed 
regaled  with  a  most  noisome  smell  of  onions  and 
[144  J 


THOMSON'S    STORY 

cheese,  which  made  me  think,  at  first,  that  I  was  in 
my  own  hammock,  alongside  of  honest  Morgan,  and 
that  all  which  had  passed  was  no  more  than  a  dream. 
Upon  inquiry  I  understood  that  I  was  on  board  of 
a  schooner  belonging  to  Rhode  Island,  bound  for 
Jamaica,  with  a  cargo  of  geese,  pigs,  onions,  and 
cheese ;  and  that  the  master's  name  was  Robertson, 
by  birth  a  North  Briton,  whom  I  knew  at  first  sight 
to  be  an  old  school-fellow  of  mine. 

AVhen  I  discovered  myself  to  him  he  was  trans- 
ported with  surprise  and  joy,  and  begged  to  know  the 
occasion  of  my  misfortune,  which  I  did  not  think  fit 
to  disclose,  because  I  knew  his  notions  with  regard  to 
religion  were  very  severe  and  confined ;  therefore  con- 
tented myself  with  telling  him,  I  fell  overboard  by 
accident ;  but  made  no  scruple  of  explaining  the 
nature  of  my  disagreeable  station,  and  of  acquaint- 
ing him  with  my  determined  purpose  never  to  return 
to  the  Thunder  man-of-war.  Although  he  was  not 
of  my  opinion  in  that  particular,  knowing  that  I 
must  lose  my  clothes,  and  what  pay  was  due  to  me, 
unless  I  went  back  to  my  duty ;  yet,  when  I  described 
the  circumstances  of  the  hellish  life  I  led,  under 
the  tyrannic  sway  of  Oakum  and  Mackshane ;  and, 
among  other  grievances,  hinted  a  dissatisfaction  at 
the  irreligious  deportment  of  my  shipmates,  and  the 
want  of  the  true  Presbyterian  gospel  doctrine;  he 
changed  his  sentiments,  and  conjured  me  with  great 
vehemence  and  zeal  to  lay  aside  all  thought  of  rising 
in  the  navy ;  and,  that  he  might  show  how  much  he 
had  my  interest  at  heart,  undertook  to  provide  for 
me  in  some  shape  or  other,  before  he  should  leave 

VOL.  II.  — 10  [  145  ] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

Jamaica.  This  promise  he  performed  to  my  heart's 
desire,  by  recommending  me  to  a  gentleman  of  for- 
tune, with  whom  I  have  lived  ever  since,  in  quality 
of  surgeon  and  overseer  to  his  plantations.  He  and 
his  lady  are  now  at  Kingston,  so  that  I  am,  for  the 
present,  master  of  this  house,  to  which,  from  my  soul, 
I  bid  you  welcome,  and  hope  you  will  favour  me  with 
your  company  during  the  remaining  part  of  the 
night."  —  I  needed  not  a  second  invitation ;  but  Mr. 
Brayl,  who  was  a  diligent  and  excellent  officer,  could 
not  be  persuaded  to  sleep  out  of  the  ship :  however, 
he  supped  with  us,  and,  after  having  drank  a  cheerful 
glass,  set  out  for  the  vessel,  which  was  not  above  three 
miles  from  the  place,  escorted  by  a  couple  of  stout 
negroes,  whom  Mr.  Thomson  ordered  to  conduct  him. 
Never  were  two  friends  more  happy  in  the  conversa- 
tion of  each  other  than  we,  for  the  time  it  lasted.  I 
related  to  him  the  particulars  of  our  attempt  upon 
Carthagena,  of  which  he  had  heard  but  an  imperfect 
account ;  and  he  gratified  me  with  a  narration  of 
every  little  incident  of  his  life  since  we  parted.  He 
assured  me,  it  was  with  the  utmost  difficulty  he  could 
resist  his  inclination  of  coming  down  to  Port  Royal 
to  see  Morgan  and  me,  of  whom  he  had  heard  no 
tidings  since  the  day  of  our  separation ;  but  that  he 
was  restrained  by  the  fear  of  being  detained  as  a 
deserter.  He  told  me,  that,  when  he  heard  my  voice 
in  the  dark,  he  was  almost  as  much  surprised  as  I  was 
at  seeing  him  afterwards ;  and,  in  the  confidence  of 
friendship,  disclosed  a  passion  he  entertained  for  the 
only  daughter  of  the  gentleman  with  whom  he  lived, 
who,  by  his  description,  was  a  very  amiable  young 
[146] 


THOMSON'S    STORY 

lady,  and  did  not  disdain  his  addresses ;  that  he  was 
very  much  favoured  by  her  parents,  and  did  not 
despair  obtaining  their  consent  to  the  match ;  which 
would  at  once  render  him  independent  of  the  world. 
I  congratulated  him  on  his  good  fortune,  which  he 
protested  should  never  make  him  forget  his  friends ; 
and  towards  morning  we  betook  ourselves  to  rest. 

Next  day  he  accompanied  me  to  the  ship,  where 
Mr.  Brayl  entertained  him  at  dinner,  and  we  having 
spent  the  afternoon  together,  he  took  his  leave  of  us 
in  the  evening,  after  he  had  forced  upon  me  ten 
pistoles,  as  a  small  token  of  his  affection.  In  short, 
while  we  stayed  here,  we  saw  one  another  every  day, 
and  generally  ate  at  the  same  table,  which  was  plen- 
tifully supplied  by  him  with  all  kinds  of  poultry, 
butcher's  meat,  oranges,  limes,  lemons,  pine  apples, 
Madeira  wine,  and  excellent  rum  ;  so  that  this  small 
interval  of  ten  days  was  by  far  the  most  agreeable 
period  of  my  life. 

At  length  the  Lizard  arrived ;  and  my  patients 
being  all  fit  for  duty,  they  and  I  were  ordered  on 
board  of  her,  where  I  understood  from  Mr.  Tomlins, 
that  there  was  a  dryness  between  the  lieutenant  and 
him  on  my  account ;  that  rancorous  villain  having 
taken  the  opportunity  of  my  absence  to  fill  the  cap- 
tain's ears  with  a  thousand  scandalous  stories  to  my 
prejudice ;  among  other  things,  affirming,  that  I  had 
once  been  transported  for  theft,  and  that,  when  I 
was  in  the  Thunder  man-of-war,  I  had  been  whipped 
for  the  same  crime.  The  surgeon,  on  the  other 
hand,  having  heard  my  whole  story  from  my  own 
mouth,  defended  me  strenuously,  and,  in  the  course 
[  147  J  ' 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

of  that  good-natured  office,  recounted  all  the  in- 
stances of  Crampley's  malice  against  me  while  I 
remained  on  board  of  that  ship ;  which  declaration, 
while  it  satisfied  the  captain  of  my  innocence,  made 
the  lieutenant  as  much  my  defender's  enemy  as  mine. 
This  infernal  behaviour  of  Crampley,  with  regard  to 
me,  added  such  fuel  to  my  former  resentment,  that, 
at  certain  times,  I  was  quite  beside  myself  with  the 
desire  of  revenge,  and  was  even  tempted  to  pistol 
him  on  the  quarter-deck,  though  an  infamous  death 
must  inevitably  have  been  my  reward.  But  the  sur- 
geon, who  was  my  confidant,  argued  against  such  a 
desperate  action  so  effectually,  that  I  stifled  the  flame 
which  consumed  me  for  the  present,  and  resolved  to 
wait  for  a  more  convenient  opportunity.  In  the 
meantime,  that  Mr.  Tomlins  might  be  the  more 
convinced  of  the  wrongs  I  suffered  by  this  fellow's 
slander,  I  begged  he  would  go  and  visit  Mr.  Thom- 
son, whose  wonderful  escape  I  had  made  him 
acquainted  with,  and  inquire  of  him  into  the  par- 
ticulars of  my  conduct,  while  he  was  my  fellow- 
mate.  This  request  the  surgeon  complied  with,  more 
through  curiosity  to  see  a  person  whose  fate  had 
been  so  extraordinary,  than  to  confirm  his  good 
opinion  of  me,  which,  he  assured  me,  was  already 
firmly  established.  He  therefore  set  out  for  the 
dwelling-place  of  my  friend,  with  a  letter  of  intro- 
duction from  me ;  and,  being  received  with  all  the 
civility  and  kindness  I  expected,  returned  to  the 
ship,  not  only  satisfied  with  my  character  beyond 
the  power  of  doubt  or  insinuation,  but  also  charmed 
with  the  affability  and  conversation  of  Thomson, 
F  148  ] 


THOMSON'S    GENEROSITY 

who  loaded  him  and  me  with  presents  of  fresh 
stocks,  liquors,  and  fruit.  As  he  would  not  ven- 
ture to  come  and  see  us  on  board,  lest  Crampley 
should  know  and  detain  him,  when  the  time  of  our 
departure  approached,  I  obtained  leave  to  go  and 
bid  him  farewell.  After  we  had  vowed  an  everlast- 
ing friendship,  he  pressed  upon  me  a  purse  with  four 
doubloons,  which  I  refused  as  long  as  I  could,  with- 
out giving  umbrage ;  and,  having  cordially  embraced 
each  other,  I  returned  on  board,  where  I  found  a 
small  box,  with  a  letter  directed  for  me,  to  the 
care  of  Mr.  Tomlins.  Knowing  the  superscription 
to  be  of  Thomson's  hand-writing,  I  opened  it  with 
some  surprise,  and  learned  that  this  generous  friend, 
not  contented  with  loading  me  with  the  presents 
already  mentioned,  had  sent,  for  my  use  and  accept- 
ance, half  a  dozen  fine  shirts,  and  as  many  linen 
waistcoats  and  caps,  with  twelve  pair  of*  new  thread 
stockings.  —  Being  thus  provided  with  money,  and 
all  necessaries  for  the  comfort  of  life,  I  began  to 
look  upon  myself  as  a  gentleman  of  some  conse- 
quence, and  felt  my  pride  dilate  apace. 

Next  day  we  sailed  for  Port  Royal,  where  we 
arrived  safely  with  our  prizes,  and,  as  there  was 
nothing  to  do  on  board,  I  went  ashore,  and,  having 
purchased  a  laced  waistcoat,  with  some  other  clothes, 
at  a  sale,  made  a  swaggering  figure  for  some  days 
among  the  taverns,  where  I  ventured  to  play  a  little 
at  hazard,  and  came  off  with  fifty  pistoles  in  my 
pocket.  Meanwhile,  our  captain  was  promoted  to 
a  ship  of  twenty  guns,  and  the  command  of  the 
Lizard  given  to  a  man  turned  of  fourscore,  who  had 
[149] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

been  lieutenant  since  the  reign  of  King  William, 
and,  notwithstanding  his  long  service,  would  have 
probably  died  in  that  station,  had  he  not  applied 
some  prize  money  he  had  lately  received,  to  make 
interest  with  his  superiors.  My  friend  Brayl  was 
also  made  an  officer  about  the  same  time,  after  he 
had  served  in  quality  of  a  midshipman  and  mate 
five-and-twenty  years.  Soon  after  these  alterations, 
the  admiral  pitched  upon  our  ship  to  carry  home 
despatches  for  the  ministry;  and  we  set  sail  for 
England,  having  first  scrubbed  her  bottom,  and 
taken  in  provision  and  water  for  the  occasion. 


[150] 


CHAPTER    THIRTY-SEVEN 

WE       DEPART       FOR       EUROPE -A       MISUNDERSTANDING 

ARISES  BETWEEN  THE  CAPTAIN  AND  SURGEON, 
THROUGH  THE  SCANDALOUS  ASPERSIONS  OF 
CRAMPLEY THE  CAPTAIN  DIES CRAMPLEY  TYR- 
ANNISES OVER  THE  SURGEON,  WHO  FALLS  A  VIC- 
TIM TO  HIS  CRUELTY 1  AM  ALSO  ILL-USED 

THE        SHIP       STRIKES THE       BEHAVIOUR       OF 

CRAMPLEY    AND    THE    SEAMEN    ON    THAT    OCCASION 

1    GET   ON    SHORE,  CHALLENGE    THE    CAPTAIN   TO 

SINGLE     COMBAT AM     TREACHEROUSLY     KNOCKED 

DOWN,   WOUNDED,    AND    ROBBED. 

NOW  that  I  could  return  to  my  native 
country    in    a    creditable    way,   I    felt 
excessive  pleasure  in  finding  myself  out 
of  sight  of  that  fatal  island,  which  has 
been  the  grave  of  so  many  Europeans ;  and  as  I  was 
accommodated  with  everything  to  render  the  passage 
agreeable,  I  resolved  to  enjoy  myself  as  much  as  the 
insolence  of  Crampley  would  permit.     This  insidious 
slanderer  had  found  means  already  to  cause  a  mis- 
understanding between  the  surgeon  and  captain,  who, 
by  his  age  and  infirmities,  was  rendered  intolerably 
peevish,  his  disposition  having  also  been  soured  by  a 
long  course  of  disappointments.    He  had  a  particular 
aversion  to  all  young  men,  especially  to  surgeons, 
whom  he  considered  as  unnecessary  animals  on  board 
[151] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

of  a  ship ;  and,  in  consequence  of  these  sentiments, 
never  consulted  the  doctor,  notwithstanding  his  being 
seized  with  a  violent  fit  of  the  gout  and  gravel ;  but 
applied  to  a  cask  of  Holland  gin,  which  was  his  sove- 
reign prescription  against  all  distempers.  Whether 
he  was  at  this  time  too  sparing,  or  took  an  overdose 
of  his  cordial,  certain  it  is,  he  departed  in  the  night 
without  any  ceremony,  which  indeed  was  a  thing  he 
always  despised,  and  was  found  stiff  next  morning, 
to  the  no  small  satisfaction  of  Crampley,  who  suc- 
ceeded to  the  command  of  the  vessel.  For  that  very 
reason,  Mr.  Tomlins  and  I  had  no  cause  to  rejoice  at 
this  event,  fearing  that  the  tyranny  of  our  new  com- 
mander would  now  be  as  unlimited  as  his  power. 
The  first  day  of  his  command  justified  our  apprehen- 
sion. For,  on  pretence  that  the  decks  were  too 
much  crowded,  he  ordered  the  surgeon's  hen-coops, 
with  all  his  fowls,  to  be  thrown  overboard ;  and  at 
the  same  time  prohibited  him  and  me  from  appear- 
ing on  the  quarter-deck.  Mr.  Tomlins  could  not 
help  complaining  of  these  injuries,  and,  in  the  course 
of  his  expostulation,  dropped  some  hasty  words,  of 
which  Crampley  taking  hold,  confined  him  to  his 
cabin,  where,  in  a  few  days,  for  want  of  air,  he  was 
attacked  by  a  fever,  which  soon  put  an  end  to  his 
life,  after  he  had  made  his  will,  by  which  he 
bequeathed  all  his  estate,  personal  and  real,  to  his 
sister,  and  left  me  his  watch  and  instruments,  as 
memorials  of  his  friendship.  I  was  penetrated  with 
grief  on  this  melancholy  occasion  ;  the  more  because 
there  was  nobody  on  board  to  whom  I  could  com- 
municate my  sorrows,  or  of  whom  I  could  receive  the 
[152] 


THE    SHIP    STRIKES 

least  consolation  or  advice.  Crampley  was  so  far  from 
discovering  the  least  remorse  for  his  barbarity,  at 
the  news  of  the  surgeon's  death,  that  he  insulted  his 
memory  in  the  most  abusive  manner,  and  affirmed 
he  had  poisoned  himself  out  of  pure  fear,  dreading 
to  be  brought  to  a  court-martial  for  mutiny;  for 
which  reason  he  would  not  suffer  the  service  of  the 
dead  to  be  read  over  his  body  before  it  was  thrown 
overboard. 

Nothing  but  a  speedy  deliverance  could  have  sup- 
ported me  under  the  brutal  sway  of  this  bashaw,  who, 
to  render  my  life  the  more  irksome,  signified  to  my 
messmates  a  desire  that  I  should  be  expelled  from 
their  society.  This  was  no  sooner  hinted,  than  they 
granted  his  request ;  and  I  was  fain  to  eat  in  a  soli- 
tary manner  by  myself  during  the  rest  of  the  passage, 
which  however  soon  drew  to  a  period. 

We  had  been  seven  weeks  at  sea,  when  the  gunner 
told  the  captain,  that,  by  his  reckoning,  we  must  be 
in  soundings,  and  desired  he  would  order  the  lead  to 
be  heaved.  Crampley  swore  he  did  not  know  how 
to  keep  the  ship's  way,  for  we  were  not  within  a 
hundred  leagues  of  soundings,  and  therefore  he 
would  not  give  himself  the  trouble  to  cast  the  lead. 
Accordingly  we  continued  our  course  all  that  after- 
noon and  night,  without  shortening  sail,  although 
the  gunner  pretended  to  discover  Scilly  light,  and 
next  morning  protested  in  form  against  the  captain's 
conduct,  for  which  he  was  put  in  confinement.  We 
discovered  no  land  all  that  day,  and  Crampley  was 
still  so  infatuated  as  to  neglect  sounding;  but  at 
three  o'clock  in  the  morning  the  ship  struck,  and 

[153] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

remained  fast  on  a  sandbank.  This  accident  alarmed 
the  whole  crew ;  the  boat  was  immediately  hoisted 
out;  but,  as  we  could  not  discern  which  way  the 
shore  lay,  we  were  obliged  to  wait  for  daylight.  In 
the  meantime  the  wind  increased,  and  the  waves 
beat  against  the  sloop  with  such  violence,  that  we 
expected  she  would  have  gone  to  pieces.  The 
gunner  was  released,  and  consulted.  He  advised 
the  captain  to  cut  away  the  mast,  in  order  to  lighten 
her;  this  expedient  was  performed  without  success. 
The  sailors,  seeing  things  in  a  desperate  situation, 
according  to  custom,  broke  up  the  chests  belonging 
to  the  officers,  dressed  themselves  in  their  clothes, 
drank  their  liquors  without  ceremony ;  and  drunken- 
ness, tumult,  and  confusion  ensued.  In  the  midst  of 
this  uproar  I  went  below,  to  secure  my  own  effects  ; 
and  found  the  carpenter's  mate  hewing  down  the 
purser's  cabin  with  his  hatchet,  whistling  all  the 
while  with  great  composure.  When  I  asked  his 
intention  in  so  doing,  he  replied  very  calmly,  "  I 
only  want  to  taste  the  purser's  rum,  that's  all, 
master."  At  that  instant  the  purser  coming  down, 
and  seeing  his  effects  going  to  wreck,  complained 
bitterly  of  the  injustice  done  to  him,  and  asked  the 
fellow  what  occasion  he  had  for  liquor,  when,  in  all 
likelihood,  he  should  be  in  eternity  in  a  few  minutes. 
"  All 's  one  for  that,"  said  the  plunderer,  "  let  us  live 
while  we  can."  "  Miserable  wretch  that  thou  art," 
cried  the  purser,  "  what  must  be  thy  lot  in  the  other 
world,  if  thou  diest  in  the  commission  of  robbery  ?  " 
w  Why,  hell,  I  suppose,"  replied  the  other,  with  great 
deliberation,  while  the  purser  fell  upon  his  knees, 
[164] 


BEHAVIOUR    OF    CRAMPLEY 

and  begged  of  Heaven  that  we  might  not  all  perish 
for  the  sake  of  one  Jonas.  During  this  dialogue,  I 
clothed  myself  in  my  best  apparel,  girded  on  my 
hanger,  stuck  my  pistols  loaded  in  my  belt,  disposed 
of  all  my  valuable  movables  about  my  person,  and 
came  upon  deck  with  a  resolution  of  taking  the  first 
opportunity  to  get  on  shore,  which,  when  the  day 
broke,  appeared  at  the  distance  of  three  miles  ahead. 
Crampley,  finding  his  efforts  to  get  the  ship  off  inef- 
fectual, determined  to  consult  his  own  safety,  by 
going  into  the  boat,  which  he  had  no  sooner  done, 
than  the  ship's  company  followed  so  fkst,  that  she 
would  have  sunk  alongside,  had  not  some  one  wiser 
than  the  rest  cut  the  rope,  and  put  off.  But  before 
this  happened,  I  had  made  several  attempts  to  get 
in,  and  was  always  balked  by  the  captain,  who  was 
so  eager  in  excluding  me,  that  he  did  not  mind  the 
endeavours  of  any  other  body.  Enraged  at  this 
inhuman  partiality,  and  seeing  the  rope  cut,  I  pulled 
one  of  my  pistols  from  my  belt,  and  cocking  it, 
swore  I  would  shoot  any  man  who  would  presume  to 
obstruct  my  entrance.  So  saying,  I  leaped  with  my 
full  exertion,  and  got  on  board  of  the  boat  with  the 
loss  of  the  skin  of  my  shins.  I  chanced  in  my 
descent  to  overturn  Crampley,  who  no  sooner  got 
up  than  he  struck  at  me  several  times  with  a  cutlass, 
and  ordered  the  men  to  throw  me  overboard;  but 
they  were  too  anxious  about  their  own  safety  to 
mind  what  he  said.  Though  the  boat  was  very 
deeply  loaded,  and  the  sea  terrible  high,  we  made 
shift  to  get  upon  dry  land  in  less  than  an  hour  after 
we  parted  from  the  sloop. 

[155J 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

As  soon  as  I  set  foot  on  terra  jirma,  my  indigna- 
tion, which  had  boiled  so  long  within  me,  broke  out 
against  Crampley,  whom  I  immediately  challenged 
to  single  combat,  presenting  my  pistols,  that  he 
might  take  his  choice :  he  took  one  without  hesita- 
tion, and  before  I  could  cock  the  other,  fired  in  my 
face,  throwing  the  pistol  after  the  shot.  I  felt  my- 
self stunned,  and  imagining  the  bullet  had  entered 
my  brain,  discharged  mine  as  quick  as  possible,  that 
I  might  not  die  unrevenged ;  then  flying  upon  my 
antagonist,  knocked  out  several  of  his  fore  teeth  with 
the  butt-end  of  the  piece,  and  would  certainly  have 
made  an  end  of  him  with  that  instrument,  had  he 
not  disengaged  himself,  and  seized  his  cutlass,  which 
he  had  given  to  his  servant  when  he  received  the 
pistol.  Seeing  him  armed  in  this  manner  I  drew 
my  hanger,  and  having  flung  my  pistol  at  his  head, 
closed  with  him  in  a  transport  of  fury,  and  thrust 
my  weapon  into  his  mouth,  which  it  enlarged  on  one 
side  to  his  ear.  Whether  the  smart  of  this  wound 
disconcerted  him,  or  the  unevenness  of  the  ground 
made  him  reel,  I  know  not,  but  he  staggered  some 
paces  back  :  I  followed  close,  and  with  one  stroke  cut 
the  tendons  of  the  back  of  his  hand,  upon  which  his 
cutlass  dropped  and  he  remained  defenceless.  I  know 
not  with  what  cruelty  my  rage  might  have  inspired 
me,  if  I  had  not  at  that  instant  been  felled  to  the 
ground  by  a  blow  on  the  back  part  of  my  head,  which 
deprived  me  of  all  sensation.  In  this  deplorable  sit- 
uation, exposed  to  the  rage  of  an  incensed  barbarian, 
and  the  rapine  of  an  inhuman  crew,  I  remained  for 
some  time ;  and  whether  any  disputes  arose  among 
[156] 


AM    WOUNDED    AND    ROBBED 

them  during  the  state  of  my  annihilation,  I  cannot 
pretend  to  determine ;  but  in  one  particular  they 
seem  to  have  been  unanimous,  and  acted  with  equal 
dexterity  and  despatch ;  for,  when  I  recovered  the 
use  of  understanding,  I  found  myself  alone  in  a  deso- 
late place,  stripped  of  my  clothes,  money,  watch, 
buckles,  and  everything  but  my  shoes,  stockings, 
breeches,  and  shirt.  What  a  discovery  must  this  have 
been  to  me,  who  but  an  hour  before  was  worth  sixty 
guineas  in  cash  !  I  cursed  the  hour  of  my  birth,  the 
parents  that  gave  me  being,  the  sea  that  did  not 
swallow  me  up,  the  poignard  of  the  enemy,  which 
could  not  find  the  way  to  my  heart,  the  villany  of 
those  who  had  left  me  in  that  miserable  condition  ; 
and,  in  the  ecstasy  of  despair,  resolved  to  lie" still 
where  I  was,  and  perish. 


[157] 


CHAPTER  THIRTY-EIGHT 

I   GET  UP,    AND   CRAWL    INTO    A    BARN,    WHERE   I    AM    IN 
DANGER  OF  PERISHING  THROUGH  THE   FEAR  OF  THE 

COUNTRY     PEOPLE THEIR      INHUMANITY I     AM 

SUCCOURED   BY   A   REPUTED   WITCH HER   STORY 

HER   ADVICE SHE   RECOMMENDS   ME   AS  A    VALET 

TO  A  SINGLE  LADY,  WHOSE  CHARACTER  SHE  EXPLAINS. 

BUT,  as  I  lay  ruminating,  my  passion  insen- 
sibly abated ;  I  considered  my  situation  in 
quite  another  light  from  that  in  which  it 
appeared  to  me  at  first,  and  the  result  of 
my  deliberation  was  to  rise,  if  I  could,  and  crawl  to 
the  next  inhabited  place  for  assistance.     With  some 
difficulty  I  got  upon  my  legs,  and  having  examined 
my  body,  found  I  had  received  no  other  injury  than 
two  large  contused  wounds,  one  on  the  fore,  and  an- 
other on  the  hinder  part  of  my  head,  which  seemed 
to  be  occasioned  by  the  same  weapon,  namely,  the 
butt-end  of  a  pistol.     I  looked  towards  the  sea,  but 
could  discern  no  remains  of  the  ship,  so  that  I  con- 
cluded she  was  gone  to  pieces,  and  that  those  who 
remained  in  her  had  perished.     But,  as  I  afterwards 
learned,  the   gunner,  who  had  more  sagacity  than 
Crampley,  observing  that  it  was  flood  when  he  left 
her,  and  that  she  would  probably  float  at  high  water, 
made  no  noise  about  getting  on  shore,  but  continued 
[158] 


TERRIFIED    RUSTICS 

on  deck,  in  hopes  of  bringing  her  safe  into  some  har- 
bour, after  the  commander  should  have  deserted  her ; 
for  which  piece  of  service  he  expected,  no  doubt,  to 
be  handsomely  rewarded.  This  scheme  he  accord- 
ingly executed,  and  was  promised  great  things  by 
the  Admiralty  for  saving  his  Majesty's  ship ;  but  I 
never  heard  he  reaped  the  fruits  of  his  expectation. 
As  for  my  own  part,  I  directed  my  course  towards  a 
small  cottage  I  perceived,  and,  in  the  road,  picked 
up  a  seaman's  old  jacket,  which  I  suppose  the  thief 
who  dressed  himself  in  my  clothes  had  thrown  away  ; 
this  was  a  very  comfortable  acquisition  to  me,  who 
was  almost  stiff  with  cold.  I  therefore  put  it  on,  and 
as  my  natural  heat  revived,  my  wounds,  which  had 
left  off  bleeding,  burst  out  afresh ;  so  that,  finding 
myself  excessively  exhausted,  I  was  about  to  lie  down 
in  the  fields,  when  I  discovered  a  barn  on  my  left 
hand,  within  a  few  yards  of  me.  Thither  I  made 
shift  to  stagger,  and  finding  the  door  open,  went  in, 
but  saw  nobody;  however,  I  threw  myself  upon  a 
truss  of  straw,  hoping  to  be  soon  relieved  by  some 
person  or  other.  I  had  not  lain  here  many  minutes, 
when  I  saw  a  countryman  come  in  with  a  pitchfork  in 
his  hand,  which  he  was  upon  the  point  of  thrusting  into 
the  straw  that  concealed  me,  and,  in  all  probability, 
would  have  done  my  business,  had  I  not  uttered  a 
dreadful  groan,  after  having  essayed  in  vain  to 
speak.  This  melancholy  note  alarmed  the  clown, 
who  started  back,  and  discovering  a  body  all  be- 
smeared with  blood,  stood  trembling,  with  the  pitch- 
fork extended  before  him,  his  hair  bristling  up,  his 
eyes  staring,  his  nostrils  dilated,  and  his  mouth  wide 
[159] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

open.  At  another  time  I  should  have  been  much 
diverted  by  this  figure,  which  preserved  the  same 
attitude  very  near  ten  minutes ;  during  which  time 
I  made  many  unsuccessful  efforts  to  implore  his  com- 
passion and  assistance,  but  my  tongue  failed  me,  and 
my  language  was  only  a  repetition  of  groans.  At 
length  an  old  man  arrived,  who,  seeing  the  other  in 
such  a  posture,  cried,  "  Mercy  upon  en  !  the  leaad's 
bewitched ; — why,  Dick,  beest  thou  besayd  thyself?  " 
Dick,  without  moving  his  eyes  from  the  object  that 
terrified  him,  replied,  "  O,  vather !  vather !  here  be 
either  the  devil  or  a  dead  mon  !  I  doan't  know  which 
d1  en,  but  a  groans  woundily."  The  father,  whose 
eyesight  was  none  of  the  best,  pulled  out  his  spectacles, 
and  having  applied  them  to  his  nose,  reconnoitred 
me  over  his  son's  shoulder ;  but  no  sooner  did  he  be- 
hold me,  than  he  was  seized  with  a  fit  of  shaking,  even 
more  violent  than  Dick's,  and,  with  a  broken  accent, 
addressed  me  thus  :  "  In  the  name  of  the  Vather,  Zun, 
and  Holy  Ghost,  I  charge  you,  an  you  been  Satan,  to 
be  gone  to  the  Red  Zea ;  but  an  you  be  a  murdered 
man,  speak,  that  you  may  have  a  christom  burial." 
As  I  was  not  in  a  condition  to  satisfy  him  in  this 
particular,  he  repeated  his  conjuration  to  no  pur- 
pose ;  and  they  continued  a  good  while  in  the 
agonies  of  fear. 

At  length  the  father  proposed  that  the  son  should 
draw  nearer,  and  take  a  more  distinct  view  of  the 
apparition ;  but  Dick  was  of  opinion,  that  his  father 
should  advance  first,  as  being  an  old  man  past  his 
labour,  and  if  he  received  any  mischief,  the  loss  would 
be  the  smaller ;  whereas  he  himself  might  escape,  and 
[160] 


BANDIED  FROM  DOOR  TO  DOOR 

be  useful  in  his  generation.  This  prudential  reason 
had  no  effect  upon  the  senior,  who  still  kept  Dick 
between  me  and  him.  In  the  meantime,  I  endeav- 
oured to  raise  one  hand  as  a  signal  of  distress,  but 
had  only  strength  sufficient  to  produce  a  rustling 
among  the  straw,  which  discomposed  the  young  peas- 
ant so  much,  that  he  sprung  out  at  the  door,  and 
overthrew  his  father  in  his  flight.  The  old  gentle- 
man would  not  spend  time  in  getting  up,  but  crawled 
backwards  like  a  crab,  with  great  speed,  till  he  had 
got  over  the  threshold,  mumbling  exorcisms  all  the 
way.  I  was  exceedingly  mortified  to  find  myself  in 
danger  of  perishing  through  the  ignorance  and  cow- 
ardice of  these  clowns,  and  felt  my  spirits  decay  apace, 
when  an  old  woman  entered  the  barn,  followed  by 
the  two  fugitives,  and  with  great  intrepidity  advanced 
to  the  place  where  I  lay,  saying,  "  If  it  be  the  devil  I 
fear  en  not,  and  for  a  dead  mon,  a  can  do  us  no 
harm."  When  she  saw  my  condition,  she  cried, 
"  Here  be  no  devil,  but  in  youren  fool's  head.  Here 
be  a  poor  miserable  wretch,  bleeding  to  death,  and 
if  a  dies,  we  must  be  at  the  charge  of  burying  him  ; 
therefore,  Dick,  go  vetch  the  old  wheel-barrow,  and 
put  en  in,  and  carry  en  to  good  man  Hodge's  back 
door ;  he  is  more  able  than  we  to  lay  out  money 
upon  poor  vagrants." 

Her  advice  was  taken,  and  immediately  put  in  exe- 
cution. I  was  rolled  to  the  other  farmer's  door,  where 
I  was  tumbled  out  like  a  heap  of  dung,  and  would 
certainly  have  fallen  a  prey  to  the  hogs,  if  my  groans 
had  not  disturbed  the  family,  and  brought  some  of 
them  out  to  view  my  situation.  But  Hodge  re- 

YOL.  II.— 11  [  161   ] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

sembled  the  Jew  more  than  the  good  Samaritan,  and 
ordered  me  to  be  carried  to  the  house  of  the  parson, 
whose  business  it  was  to  practise  as  well  as  to  preach 
charity ;  observing,  that  it  was  sufficient  for  him  to 
pay  his  quota  towards  the  maintenance  of  the  poor 
belonging  to  his  own  parish.  When  I  was  set  down 
at  the  vicar's  gate,  he  fell  into  a  mighty  passion,  and 
threatened  to  excommunicate  him  who  sent,  as  well 
as  those  who  brought  me,  unless  they  would  move 
me  immediately  to  another  place.  About  this  time, 
I  fainted  with  the  fatigue  I  had  undergone,  and, 
afterwards,  understood  that  I  was  bandied  from  door 
to  door  through  a  whole  village,  nobody  having  hu- 
manity enough  to  administer  the  least  relief  to  me, 
until  an  old  woman,  who  was  suspected  of  witchcraft 
by  the  neighbourhood,  hearing  of  my  distress,  re- 
ceived me  into  her  house,  and  having  dressed  my 
wounds,  brought  me  to  myself  with  cordials  of  her 
own  preparing.  I  was  treated  with  great  care  and 
tenderness  by  this  grave  matron,  who,  after  I  had 
recovered  some  strength,  desired  to  know  the  par- 
ticulars of  my  last  disaster.  This  piece  of  satisfaction 
I  could  not  refuse  to  one  who  had  saved  my  life ; 
therefore  related  all  my  adventures,  without  exaggera- 
tion or  reserve.  She  seemed  surprised  at  the  vicissi- 
tudes I  had  undergone,  and  drew  a  happy  presage  of 
my  future  life  from  my  past  sufferings  ;  then  launched 
out  into  the  praise  of  adversity  with  so  much  ardour 
and  good  sense,  that  I  concluded  she  was  a  person  who 
had  seen  better  days,  and  conceived  a  longing  desire 
to  hear  her  story.  She  perceived  my  drift  by  some 
word*  I  dropped,  and  smiling,  told  me,  there  was 
[162] 


THE    WITCtTS    STORY 

nothing  either  entertaining  or  extraordinary  in  the 
course  of  her  fortune ;  but,  however,  she  would  com- 
municate it  to  me,  in  consideration  of  the  confidence 
I  had  reposed  in  her.  "  It  is  of  little  consequence," 
said  she,  "  to  tell  the  names  of  my  parents,  who  are 
dead  many  years  ago ;  let  it  suffice  to  assure  you,  they 
were  wealthy,  and  had  no  other  child  than  me ;  so 
that  I  was  looked  upon  as  heiress  to  a  considerable 
estate,  and  teased  with  addresses  on  that  account. 
Among  the  number  of  my  admirers,  there  was  a 
young  gentleman  of  no  fortune,  whose  sole  depend- 
ence was  on  his  promotion  in  the  army,  in  which  at 
that  time  he  bore  a  lieutenant's  commission.  I  con- 
ceived an  affection  for  this  amiable  officer,  which,  in 
a  short  time,  increased  to  a  violent  passion,  and, 
without  entering  into  minute  circumstances,  married 
him  privately.  We  had  not  enjoyed  one  another 
long,  in  stolen  interviews,  when  he  was  ordered  with 
his  regiment  to  Flanders ;  but,  before  he  set  out, 
it  was  agreed  between  us,  that  he  should  declare 
our  marriage  to  my  father  by  letter,  and  implore 
his  pardon  for  the  step  we  had  taken  without  his 
approbation.  This  discovery  was  made  while  I  was 
abroad  visiting ;  and  just  as  I  was  about  to  return 
home,  I  received  a  letter  from  my  father,  importing, 
that  since  I  had  acted  so  undutifully  and  meanly  as 
to  marry  a  beggar,  without  his  privity  or  consent,  to 
the  disgrace  of  his  family,  as  well  as  the  disappoint- 
ment of  his  hopes,  he  renounced  me  to  the  miserable 
fate  I  had  entailed  on  myself,  and  charged  me  never 
to  set  foot  within  his  doors  again.  This  rigid  sen- 
tence was  confirmed  by  my  mother,  who,  in  a  post- 
[163] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

script,  gave  me  to  understand,  that  her  sentiments 
were  exactly  conformable  to  those  of  my  father,  and 
that  I  might  save  myself  the  trouble  of  making  any 
applications,  for  her  resolutions  were  unalterable. 
Thunderstruck  with  my  evil  fortune,  I  called  a  coach, 
and  drove  to  my  husband's  lodgings,  where  I  found 
him  waiting  the  event  of  his  letter.  Though  he 
could  easily  divine,  by  my  looks,  the  issue  of  his 
declaration,  he  read  with  great  steadiness  the  epistle 
I  had  received ;  and,  with  a  smile  full  of  tenderness, 
which  I  shall  never  forget,  embraced  me,  saying,  '  / 
believe  the  good  lady,  your  mother,  might  have  spared 
herself  the  trouble  of  the  last  part  of  her  postscript. 
Well,  my  dear  Betty,  you  must  lay  aside  all  thoughts 
of  a  coach,  till  I  can  procure  the  command  of  a  regi- 
ment.^ This  unconcerned  behaviour,  while  it  enabled 
me  to  support  my  reverse  of  fortune,  at  the  same 
time  endeared  him  to  me  the  more,  by  convincing 
me  of  his  disinterested  views  in  espousing  me.  I  was 
next  day  boarded  in  company  with  the  wife  of 
another  officer,  who  had  long  been  the  friend  and 
confidant  of  my  husband,  at  a  village  not  far  from 
London,  where  they  parted  with  us  in  the  most  melt- 
ing manner,  went  to  Flanders,  and  were  killed  in 
sight  of  one  another,  at  the  battle  of  the  Wood. 
Why  should  I  tire  you  with  a  description  of  our  un- 
utterable sorrow  at  the  fatal  news  of  this  ^vent,  the 
remembrance  of  which  now  fills  my  aged  eyes  with 
tears !  When  our  grief  subsided  a  little,  and  reflec- 
tion came  to  our  aid,  we  found  ourselves  deserted  by 
the  whole  world,  and  in  danger  of  perishing  by  want ; 
whereupon,  we  made  application  for  the  pension,  and 
[164] 


GOES    INTO    SERVICE 

were  put  upon  the  list.  Then,  vowing  eternal  friend- 
ship, sold  our  jewels  and  superfluous  clothes,  retired 
to  this  place,  which  is  in  the  county  of  Sussex,  bought 
this  little  house,  where  we  lived  many  years  in  a 
solitary  manner,  indulging  our  mutual  sorrow,  till 
it  pleased  Heaven  to  call  away  my  companion  two 
years  ago ;  since  which  time  I  have  lingered  out  an 
unhappy  being,  in  hopes  of  a  speedy  dissolution,  when 
I  promise  myself  the  eternal  reward  of  all  my  cares. 
In  the  meantime,"  continued  she,  "  I  must  inform  you 
of  the  character  I  bear  among  the  neighbours ;  —  My 
conversation  being  different  from  that  of  the  inhab- 
itants of  the  village,  my  recluse  way  of  life,  my  skill 
in  curing  distempers,  which  I  acquired  from  books 
since  I  settled  here  —  and  lastly,  my  age,  have  made 
the  common  people  look  upon  me  as  something  pre- 
ternatural, and  I  am  actually  at  this  hour  believed 
to  be  a  witch.  The  parson  of  the  parish,  whose 
acquaintance  I  have  not  been  at  much  pains  to  culti- 
vate, taking  umbrage  at  my  supposed  disrespect,  has 
contributed  not  a  little  towards  the  confirmation  of 
this  opinion,  by  dropping  certain  hints  to  my  preju- 
dice among  the  vulgar,  who  are  also  very  much  scan- 
dalised at  my  entertaining  this  poor  tabby  cat,  with 
the  collar  about  her  neck,  which  was  a  favourite  of 
my  deceased  companion." 

The  whole  behaviour  of  this  venerable  person  was 
so  primitive,  innocent,  sensible,  and  humane,  that  I 
contracted  a  filial  respect  for  her,  and  begged  her 
advice  with  regard  to  my  future  conduct,  as  soon  as 
I  was  in  a  condition  to  act  for  myself.  She  dissuaded 
me  from  a  design  I  had  formed  of  travelling  to  Lon- 
[165] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

don,  in  hopes  of  retrieving  my  clothes  and  pay,  by 
returning  to  my  ship,  which  by  this  time,  I  read  in 
the  newspaper,  was  safely  arrived  in  the  river  Thames  : 
"  Because,"  said  she,  "  you  run  the  hazard  of  being 
treated  not  only  as  a  deserter  in  quitting  the  sloop, 
but  also  as  a  mutineer  in  assaulting  your  commanding 
officer,  to  the  malice  of  whose  revenge  you  will  more- 
over be  exposed."  She  then  promised  to  recommend 
me  as  a  servant  to  a  single  lady  of  her  acquaintance, 
who  lived  in  the  neighbourhood  with  her  nephew,  who 
was  a  young  fox-hunter  of  great  fortune,  where  I 
might  be  very  happy,  provided  I  could  bear  the  dis- 
position and  manners  of  my  mistress,  which  were 
somewhat  whimsical  and  particular.  But,  above  all 
things,  she  counselled  me  to  conceal  my  story,  the 
knowledge  of  which  would  effectually  poison  my 
entertainment;  for  it  was  a  maxim  among  most 
people  of  condition,  that  no  gentleman  in  distress 
ought  to  be  admitted  into  a  family  as  a  domestic, 
lest  he  become  proud,  lazy,  and  insolent.  I  was  fain 
to  embrace  this  humble  proposal,  because  my  affairs 
were  desperate ;  and  in  a  few  days  was  hired  by  this 
lady,  to  serve  in  quality  of  her  footman  ;  having  been 
represented  by  my  hostess  as  a  young  man  who  was 
bred  up  to  the  sea  by  his  relations  against  his  will, 
and  had  suffered  shipwreck,  which  had  increased  his 
disgust;  to  that  way  of  life  so  much,  that  he  rather 
chose  to  go  into  service  on  shore,  than  enter  himself 
on  board  of  any  other  ship.  Before  I  took  posses- 
sion of  my  new  place,  she  gave  me  a  sketch  of  ray 
mistresses  character,  that  I  might  know  better  how 
to  regulate  my  conduct.  "  Your  lady,"  said  she,  "  is 
[166] 


GOES    INTO    SERVICE 

a  maiden  of  forty  years,  not  so  remarkable  for  her 
beauty,  as  her  learning  and  taste,  which  is  famous  all 
over  the  country.  Indeed  she  is  a  perfect  female 
virtuoso ;  and  so  eager  after  the  pursuit  of  knowledge, 
that  she  neglects  her  person  even  to  a  degree  of 
sluttishness ;  this  negligence,  together  with  her  con- 
tempt of  the  male  part  of  the  creation,  gives  her 
nephew  no  great  concern,  as  by  these  means  he  will 
probably  keep  her  fortune,  which  is  considerable,  in 
the  family.  He  therefore  permits  her  to  live  in  her 
own  way,  which  is  something  extraordinary,  and 
gratifies  her  in  all  her  whimsical  desires.  Her  apart- 
ment is  at  some  distance  from  the  other  inhabited 
parts  of  the  house,  and  consists  of  a  dining-room, 
bed-chamber,  and  study.  She  keeps  a  cook-maid, 
waiting- woman,  and  footman  of  her  own ;  and  seldom 
eats  or  converses  with  any  of  the  family  but  her  niece, 
who  is  a  very  lovely  creature,  and  humours  her  aunt 
often  to  the  prejudice  of  her  own  health,  by  sitting 
up  with  her  whole  nights  together ;  for  your  mistress 
is  too  much  of  a  philosopher  to  be  swayed  by  the 
customs  of  the  world,  and  never  sleeps  or  eats  like 
other  people.  Among  other  odd  notions,  she  pro- 
fesses the  principles  of  Rosicrucius ;  and  believes 
the  earth,  air,  and  sea  are  inhabited  by  invisible 
beings,  with  whom  it  is  possible  for  the  human 
species  to  entertain  correspondence  and  intimacy,  on 
the  easy  condition  of  living  chaste.  As  she  hopes 
one  day  to  be  admitted  into  an  acquaintance  of  this 
kind,  she  no  sooner  heard  of  me  and  my  cat,  than 
she  paid  me  a  visit,  with  a  view,  as  she  has  since 
owned,  to  be  introduced  to  my  familiar,  and  was 
[167] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

greatly  mortified  to  find  herself  disappointed  in  her 
expectation.  Being,  by  this  visionary  turn  of  mind, 
abstracted  as  it  were  from  the  world,  she  cannot 
advert  to  the  common  occurrences  of  life ;  and  there- 
fore is  frequently  so  absent,  as  to  commit  very 
strange  mistakes  and  extravagances,  which  you  will 
do  well  to  rectify  and  repair  as  your  prudence  shall 
suggest." 


[168] 


CHAPTER    THIRTY-NINE 

MY  RECEPTION    BY  THAT    LADY 1  BECOME  ENAMOURED 

OF  NARCISSA RECOUNT    THE  PARTICULARS    OF    MY 

LAST    MISFORTUNE ACQUIRE    THE    GOOD     OPINION 

OF     MY     MISTRESS AN    ACCOUNT    OF    THE    YOUNG 

SQUIRE 1     AM      MADE     ACQUAINTED    WITH    MORE 

PARTICULAR     OF    NARCISSA^S  SITUATION CONCEIVE 

A      MORTAL       HATRED       AGAINST     SIR      TIMOTHY 

EXAMINE    MY   LADY's    LIBRARY  AND    PERFORMANCES 
HER    EXTRAVAGANT    BEHAVIOUR. 

FRAUGHT  with  these  useful  instructions, 
I  repaired  to  the  place  of  her  habitation, 
and  was  introduced  by  the  waiting- woman 
to  the  presence  of  my  lady,  who  had  not 
before  seen  me.     She  sat  in  her  study,  with  one  foot 
on  the  ground,  and  the  other  upon  a  high  stool  at 
some  distance  from  her  seat ;  her  sandy  locks  hung 
down  in  a  disorder  I  cannot  call  beautiful,  from  her 
head,  which  was  deprived  of  its  coif,  for  the  benefit 
of  scratching   with   one  hand,  while   she   held   the 
stump  of  a  pen  in  the  other.     Her   forehead   was 
high  and  wrinkled;  her  eyes  were  large,  grey,  and 
prominent ;  her  nose  was  long,  sharp,  and  aquiline ; 
her  mouth  of  vast  capacity ;  her  visage  meagre  and 
freckled,  and   her  chin  peaked   like   a  shoemaker's 
paring  knife ;  her  upper  lip  contained  a  large  quantity 
of  plain  Spanish,  which,  by  continual  falling,  had 
[169] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

embroidered  her  neck,  that  was  not  naturally  very 
white ;  and  the  breast  of  her  gown,  that  flowed  loose 
about  her  with  a  negligence  truly  poetic,  discovering 
linen  that  was  very  fine,  and  to  all  appearance  never 
washed  but  in  Castalian  streams.  Around  her  lay 
heaps  of  books,  globes,  quadrants,  telescopes,  and 
other  learned  apparatus.  Her  snuff-box  stood  at  her 
right  hand ;  at  her  left  hand  lay  her  handkerchief, 
sufficiently  used;  and  a  convenience  to  spit  in  appeared 
on  one  side  of  her  chair.  She  being  in  a  reverie 
when  we  entered,  the  maid  did  not  think  proper  to 
disturb  her;  so  that  we  waited  some  minutes  un- 
observed, during  which  time  she  bit  the  quill  several 
times,  altered  her  position,  made  many  wry  faces,  and 
at  length,  with  an  air  of  triumph,  repeated  aloud, 

Nor  dare  the  immortal  gods  my  rage  oppose. 

Having  committed  her  success  to  paper,  she  turned 
towards  the  door,  and, perceiving  us, cried,  "  What's 
the  matter  ?  "  — "  Here's  the  young  man,"  replied  my 
conductress,  "whom  Mrs.  Sagely  recommended  as 
a  footman  to  your  ladyship.""  On  this  information 
she  stared  in  my  face  a  considerable  time,  and  then 
asked  my  name,  which  I  thought  proper  to  conceal 
under  that  of  John  Brown.  After  having  surveyed 
me  with  a  curious  eye,  she  broke  out  into,  "  O !  ay, 
thou  wast  shipwrecked,  I  remember.  Whether  didst 
thou  come  on  shore  on  the  back  of  a  whale  or  a 
dolphin  ?  "  To  this  I  answered,  I  had  swam  ashore 
without  any  assistance.  —  Then  she  demanded  to 
know  if  I  had  ever  been  at  the  Hellespont,  and  swam 
from  Sestos  to  Abydos.  I  replied  in  the  negative. 
[170] 


ENAMOURED    OF    NARCISSA 

Upon  which  she  bade  the  maid  order  a  suit  of  new 
livery  for  me,  and  instruct  me  in  the  articles  of  my 
duty.  So  saying,  she  spit  in  her  snuff-box,  and 
wiped  her  nose  with  her  cap,  which  lay  on  the  table 
instead  of  a  handkerchief.  We  returned  to  the 
kitchen,  where  I  was  regaled  by  the  maids,  who 
seemed  to  vie  with  each  other  in  expressing  their 
regard  for  me ;  and  from  them  I  understood  that  my 
business  consisted  in  cleaning  knives  and  forks,  laying 
the  cloth,  waiting  at  table,  carrying  messages,  and 
attending  my  lady  when  she  went  abroad.  There 
was  a  very  good  suit  of  livery  in  the  house,  which  had 
belonged  to  my  predecessor,  deceased,  and  it  fitted 
me  exactly ;  so  that  there  was  no  occasion  for  employ- 
ing a  tailor  on  my  account.  I  had  not  long  been 
equipped  in  this  manner,  when  my  lady's  bell  rung ; 
upon  which  I  ran  upstairs,  and  found  her  stalking 
about  the  room  in  her  shift  and  under  petticoat 
only:  I  would  have  immediately  retired  as  became 
me,  but  she  bade  me  come  in,  and  air  a  clean  shift 
for  her;  which  operation  I  having  performed  with 
some  backwardness,  she  put  it  on  before  me  without 
any  ceremony,  and  I  verily  believe  was  ignorant  of 
my  sex  all  that  time,  as  being  quite  absorbed  in  con- 
templation. About  four  o'clock  in  the  afternoon,  I 
was  ordered  to  lay  the  cloth,  and  place  two  covers, 
which  I  understood  were  for  my  mistress  and  her 
niece,  whom  I  had  not  as  yet  seen. 

Though  I  was  not  very  dexterous  at  this  work,  I 

performed  it  pretty  well  for  a  beginner  ;  and,  when 

dinner  was  upon  the  table,  saw  my  mistress  approach, 

accompanied  by  the  young  lady,  whose  name,  for 

[171] 


the  present,  shall  be  Narcissa.  So  much  sweetness 
appeared  in  the  countenance  and  carriage  of  this 
amiable  apparition,  that  my  heart  was  captivated  at 
first  sight,  and,  while  dinner  lasted,  I  gazed  upon 
her  without  intermission.  Her  age  seemed  to  be 
seventeen,  her  stature  tall,  her  shape  unexception- 
able ;  her  hair,  that  fell  down  upon  her  ivory  neck  in 
ringlets,  black  as  jet ;  her  arched  eyebrows  of  the 
same  colour  ;  her  eyes  piercing,  yet  tender ;  her  lips 
of  the  consistence  and  hue  of  cherries ;  her  complex- 
ion clear,  delicate,  and  healthy ;  her  aspect  noble, 
ingenuous,  and  humane ;  and  the  whole  person  so 
ravishingly  delightful,  that  it  was  impossible  for 
any  creature  endued  with  sensibility,  to  see  without 
admiring,  and  admire  without  loving  her  to  excess  ! 
I  began  to  curse  the  servile  station  that  placed  me 
so  far  beneath  the  regard  of  this  idol  of  my  adora- 
tion !  and  yet  I  blessed  my  fate,  that  enabled  me  to 
enjoy  daily  the  sight  of  so  much  perfection  !  When 
she  spoke,  I  listened  with  pleasure;  but  when  she 
spoke  to  me,  my  soul  was  thrilled  with  an  ecstasy  of 
tumultuous  joy  !  I  was  even  so  happy  as  to  be  the 
subject  of  their  conversation.  For  Narcissa  having 
observed  me,  said  to  her  aunt,  "  I  see  your  new  foot- 
man is  come.11  Then  addressing  herself  to  me,  asked 
with  ineffable  complacency,  if  I  was  the  person  who 
had  been  so  cruelly  used  by  robbers  ?  When  I  satis- 
fied her  in  this,  she  expressed  a  desire  of  knowing 
the  other  particulars  of  my  fortune,  both  before  and 
since  my  being  shipwrecked.  Hereupon  (as  Mrs. 
Sagely  had  counselled  me)  I  told  her  that  I  had  been 
bound  apprentice  to  the  master  of  a  ship,  contrary 
[172] 


SIR    TIMOTHY    THICKET 

to  my  inclination,  which  ship  had  foundered  at  sea ; 
that  I  and  four  more,  who  chanced  to  be  on  deck 
when  she  went  down,  made  shift  to  swim  to  the 
shore,  when  my  companions,  after  having  over- 
powered me,  stripped  me  to  the  shirt,  and  left 
me,  as  they  imagined,  dead  of  the  wounds  I  received 
in  my  own  defence.  Then  I  related  the  circum- 
stances of  my  being  found  in  a  barn,  with  the 
inhuman  treatment  I  met  with  from  the  country 
people  and  parson ;  the  description  of  which,  I  per- 
ceived, drew  tears  from  the  charming  creature's  eyes ! 
When  I  had  finished  my  recital,  my  mistress  said, 
"  Ma  foi !  le  gar$on  est  bien  fait ! "  To  which  opin- 
ion Narcissa  assented,  with  a  compliment  to  my 
understanding  in  the  same  language,  that  flattered 
my  vanity  extremely. 

The  conversation,  among  other  subjects,  turned 
upon  the  young  squire,  whom  my  lady  inquired  after 
under  the  title  of  the  Savage ;  and  was  informed  by 
her  niece,  that  he  was  still  in  bed,  repairing  the 
fatigue  of  last  night's  debauch,  and  recruiting 
strength  and  spirits  to  undergo  a  fox-chase  to- 
morrow morning,  in  company  with  Sir  Timothy 
Thicket,  Squire  Bumper,  and  a  great  many  other 
gentlemen  of  the  same  stamp,  whom  he  had  invited 
on  that  occasion ;  so  that,  by  daybreak,  the  whole 
house  would  be  in  an  uproar.  This  was  a  very  disa- 
greeable piece  of  news  to  the  virtuoso,  who  protested 
she  would  stuff  her  ears  with  cotton  when  she  went 
to  bed,  and  take  a  dose  of  opium  to  make  her  sleep 
the  more  sound,  that  she  might  not  be  disturbed  and 
distracted  by  the  clamour  of  the  brutes. 
[173] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

When  their  dinner  was  over,  I  and  my  fellow- 
servants  sat  down  to  ours  in  the  kitchen,  where  I 
understood  that  Sir  Timothy  Thicket  was  a  wealthy 
knight  in  the  neighbourhood,  between  whom  and 
Narcissa  a  match  had  been  projected  by  her  brother, 
who  promised  at  the  same  time  to  espouse  Sir 
Timothy's  sister;  by  which  means,  as  their  fortunes 
were  pretty  equal,  the  young  ladies  would  be  pro- 
vided for,  and  their  brothers  be  never  the  poorer ; 
but  that  the  ladies  did  not  concur  in  the  scheme, 
each  of  them  entertaining  a  hearty  contempt  for  the 
person  allotted  to  her  for  a  husband  by  this  agree- 
ment. This  information  begat  in  me  a  mortal 
aversion  to  Sir  Timothy,  whom  I  looked  upon  as 
my  rival,  and  cursed  in  my  heart  for  his  presump- 
tion. Next  morning,  by  daybreak,  being  awakened 
by  the  noise  of  the  hunters  and  hounds,  I  arose  to 
view  the  cavalcade,  and  had  a  sight  of  my  competi- 
tor, whose  accomplishments,  the  estate  excluded,  did 
not  seem  brilliant  enough  to  give  me  much  uneasi- 
ness with  respect  to  Narcissa,  who,  I  nattered  myself, 
was  not  to  be  won  by  such  qualifications  as  he  was 
master  of,  either  as  to  person  or  mind.  My  mistress, 
notwithstanding  her  precaution,  was  so  much  dis- 
turbed by  her  nephew's  company,  that  she  did  not 
rise  till  five  o'clock  in  the  afternoon ;  so  that  I  had 
an  opportunity  of  examining  her  study  at  leisure,  to 
which  examination  I  was  strongly  prompted  by  my 
curiosity.  Here  I  found  a  thousand  scraps  of  her 
own  poetry,  consisting  of  three,  four,  ten,  twelve,  and 
twenty  lines,  on  an  infinity  of  subjects,  which,  as 
whim  inspired,  she  had  begun,  without  constancy  or 
[174] 


capacity  to  bring  to  any  degree  of  composition.  But, 
what  was  very  extraordinary  in  a  female  poet,  there 
was  not  the  least  mention  made  of  love  in  any 
of  her  performances.  I  counted  fragments  of  five 
tragedies,  the  titles  of  which  were,  "The  Stern 
Philosopher"  —  "The  Double  Murder "  —  "The 
Sacrilegious  Traitor"  —  "The  Fall  of  Lucifer"  — 
and  "The  Last  Day."  From  whence  I  gathered, 
that  her  disposition  was  gloomy,  and  her  imagina- 
tion delighted  with  objects  of  horror.  Her  library 
was  composed  of  the  best  English  historians,  poets, 
and  philosophers;  of  all  the  French  critics  and 
poets,  and  of  a  few  books  in  Italian,  chiefly  poetry, 
at  the  head  of  which  were  Tasso  and  Ariosto, 
pretty  much  used.  Besides  these,  translations  of 
the  classics  into  French,  but  not  one  book  in  Greek 
or  Latin ;  a  circumstance  that  discovered  her  igno- 
rance in  these  languages.  After  having  taken  a  full 
view  of  this  collection,  I  retired,  and,  at  the  usual 
time,  was  preparing  to  lay  the  cloth,  when  I  was 
told  by  the  maid  that  her  mistress  was  still  in  bed, 
and  had  been  so  affected  with  the  notes  of  the 
hounds  in  the  morning,  that  she  actually  believed 
herself  a  hare  beset  by  the  hunters ;  and  begged  a 
few  greens  to  munch  for  breakfast.  When  I 
expressed  my  surprise  at  this  unaccountable  imag- 
ination, she  gave  me  to  understand,  that  her  lady 
was  very  much  subject  to  whims  of  this  nature; 
sometimes  fancying  herself  an  animal,  sometimes  a 
piece  of  furniture,  during  which  conceited  transfor- 
mations it  was  very  dangerous  to  come  near  her, 
especially  when  she  represented  a  beast;  for  that, 
[175] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

lately,  in  the  character  of  a  cat,  she  had  flown  at 
her,  and  scratched  her  face  in  a  terrible  manner; 
that,  some  months  ago,  she  prophesied  the  general 
conflagration  was  at  hand,  and  nothing  would  be 
able  to  quench  it  but  her  water,  which,  therefore, 
she  kept  so  long  that  her  life  was  in  danger;  and 
she  must  needs  have  died  of  the  retention,  had  they 
not  found  an  expedient  to  make  her  evacuate,  by 
kindling  a  bonfire  under  her  chamber  window,  and 
persuading  her  that  the  house  was  in  flames ;  upon 
which,  with  great  deliberation,  she  bade  them  bring 
all  the  tubs  and  vessels  they  could  find,  to  be  filled, 
for  the  preservation  of  the  house,  into  one  of  which 
she  immediately  discharged  the  cause  of  her  dis- 
temper. I  was  also  informed,  that  nothing  con- 
tributed so  much  to  the  recovery  of  her  reason  as 
music,  which  was  always  administered  on  those  occa- 
sions by  Narcissa,  who  played  perfectly  well  on  the 
harpsichord,  and  to  whom  she,  the  maid,  was  just 
then  going  to  intimate  her  aunt's  disorder.  She  was 
no  sooner  gone  than  I  was  summoned  by  the  bell  to 
my  lady's  chamber,  where  I  found  her  sitting  squat 
on  her  hams  on  the  floor,  in  the  manner  of  puss 
when  she  listens  to  the  outcries  of  her  pursuers. 
When  I  appeared,  she  started  up  with  an  alarmed 
look,  and  sprung  to  the  other  side  of  the  room  to 
avoid  me,  whom,  without  doubt,  she  mistook  for 
a  beagle  thirsting  after  her  life.  Perceiving  her 
extreme  confusion,  I  retired,  and,  on  the  staircase, 
met  the  adorable  Narcissa  coming  up,  to  whom  I 
imparted  the  situation  of  my  mistress.  She  said 
not  a  word,  but,  smiling  with  unspeakable  grace, 
[176] 


THE    LADY'S    ODD    FANCIES 

went  into  her  aunt's  apartment,  and  in  a  little  time 
my  ears  were  ravished  with  the  effects  of  her  skill. 
She  accompanied  the  instrument  with  a  voice  so 
sweet  and  melodious,  that  I  did  not  wonder  at  the 
surprising  change  it  produced  on  the  spirits  of  my 
mistress,  which  were  soon  composed  to  peace  and 
sober  reflection. 

About  seven  o'clock  the  hunters  arrived,  with  the 
skins  of  two  foxes  and  one  badger,  carried  before 
them  as  trophies  of  their  success.  And,  when  they 
were  about  to  sit  down  to  dinner,  or  supper,  Sir 
Timothy  Thicket  desired  that  Narcissa  would 
honour  the  table  with  her  presence.  But  this 
request,  notwithstanding  her  brother's  threats  and 
entreaties,  she  refused,  on  pretence  of  attending  her 
aunt,  who  was  indisposed;  so  I  enjoyed  the  satis- 
faction of  seeing  my  rival  mortified.  But  this 
disappointment  made  no  great  impression  on  him, 
who  consoled  himself  with  the  bottle,  of  which  the 
whole  company  became  so  enamoured,  that,  after  a 
most  horrid  uproar  of  laughing,  singing,  swearing, 
dancing,  and  fighting,  they  were  all  carried  to  bed 
in  a  state  of  utter  oblivion.  My  duty  being  alto- 
gether detached  from  the  squire  and  his  family,  I  led 
a  pretty  easy  and  comfortable  life,  drinking  daily 
intoxicating  draughts  of  love  from  the  charms  of 
Narcissa,  which  brightened  on  my  contemplation 
every  day  more  and  more.  Inglorious  as  my  station 
was,  I  became  blind  to  my  own  unworthiness,  and 
even  conceived  hopes  of  one  day  enjoying  this  amia- 
ble creature,  whose  affability  greatly  encouraged 
these  presumptuous  thoughts. 
TOL.II.— 12  [177] 


CHAPTER    FORTY 

MY    MISTRESS     IS    SURPRISED     AT    MY    LEARNING' — -COM- 
MUNICATES HER  PERFORMANCES  TO   ME 1  IMPART 

SOME    OF    MINE    TO    HER AM    MORTIFIED    AT    HER 

FAINT  PRAISE NARCISSA    APPROVES    OF    MY   CON- 
DUCT  1    GAIN    AN    INVOLUNTARY    CONQUEST    OVER 

THE  COOK-MAID  AND   DAIRY-MAID THEIR  MUTUAL 

RESENTMENT    AND    INSINUATIONS THE    JEALOUSY 

OF  THEIR   LOVERS. 

DURING  this  season  of  love  and  tran- 
quillity,   my    muse,    which    had    lain 
dormant    so    long,    awoke,    and    pro- 
duced   several  small    performances    on 
the  subject  of  my  flame;  but,  as  it  concerned  me 
nearly  to  remain  undiscovered  in  my  real  character 
and  sentiments,  I  was  under  a  necessity  of  mortify- 
ing my  desire  of  praise,  by  confining  my  works  to 
my  own  perusal  and  applause.     In  the  meantime  I 
strove  to  insinuate  myself  into  the  good  opinion  of 
both  ladies ;  and  succeeded  so  well,  by  my  diligence 
and  dutiful  behaviour,  that,  in  a  little  time,  I  was  at 
least  a  favourite  servant;  and  frequently  enjoyed  the 
pleasure  of  hearing  myself  mentioned  in  French  and 
Italian,  with  some  degree  of  warmth  and  surprise,  by 
the  dear  object  of  all  my  wishes,  as  a  person  who  had 
so  much  of  the  gentleman  in  my  appearance  and  dis- 
[178] 


A    LEARNED    FOOTMAN 

course,  that  she  could  not  for  her  soul  treat  me  like 
a  common  lacquey.  My  prudence  and  modesty  were 
not  long  proof  against  these  bewitching  compliments. 
One  day,  while  I  waited  at  dinner,  the  conversation 
turned  upon  a  knotty  passage  of  Tassel  Jerusalem, 
which,  it  seems,  had  puzzled  them  both.  After  a 
great  many  unsatisfactory  conjectures,  my  mistress, 
taking  the  book  out  of  her  pocket,  turned  up  the 
place  in  question,  and  read  the  sentence  over  and 
over  without  success ;  at  length,  despairing  of  find- 
ing the  author's  meaning,  she  turned  to  me,  saying, 
"  Come  hither,  Bruno,  let  us  see  what  fortune  will  do 
for  us ;  I  will  interpret  to  thee  what  goes  before  and 
what  follows  this  obscure  paragraph,  the  particular 
words  of  which  I  will  also  explain,  that  thou  mayest, 
by  comparing  one  with  another,  guess  the  sense  of 
that  which  perplexes  us.""  I  was  too  vain  to  let  slip 
this  opportunity  of  displaying  my  talents,  therefore, 
without  hesitation,  read  and  explained  the  whole  of 
that  which  had  disconcerted  them,  to  the  utter 
astonishment  of  both.  Narcissa's  face  and  lovely 
neck  were  overspread  with  blushes,  from  which  I 
drew  a  favourable  omen,  while  her  aunt,  after  having 
stared  at  me  a  good  while  with  a  look  of  amaze- 
ment, exclaimed,  "  In  the  name  of  Heaven  !  who  art 
thou  ?  w  I  told  her  I  had  picked  up  a  smattering  of 
Italian,  during  a  voyage  up  the  Straits.  At  this 
explanation  she  shook  her  head,  and  observed,  that 
no  smatterer  could  read  as  I  had  done.  She  then 
desired  to  know  if  I  understood  French  ?  To  which 
question  I  answered  in  the  affirmative.  She  asked, 
if  I  was  acquainted  with  Latin  and  Greek?  I 
[179] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

replied,  "A  little."  —  « Oho !"  continued  she,  "and 
with  philosophy  and  mathematics,  I  suppose?"  I 
owned  I  knew  something  of  each.  Then  she  repeated 
her  stare  and  interrogation.  I  began  to  repent  my 
vanity,  and,  in  order  to  repair  the  fault  I  had  com- 
mitted, said,  it  was  not  to  be  wondered  at  if  I  had  a 
tolerable  education,  for  learning  was  so  cheap  in  my 
country,  that  every  peasant  was  a  scholar;  but  I 
hoped  her  ladyship  would  think  my  understanding 
no  exception  to  my  character.  She  was  pleased  to 
answer,  "  No,  no,  God  forbid."  But  during  the  rest 
of  the  time  they  sat  at  table,  they  behaved  with 
remarkable  reserve. 

This  alteration  gave  me  great  uneasiness;  and  I 
passed  the  night  without  sleep,  in  melancholy  reflec- 
tions on  the  vanity  of  young  men,  which  prompts 
them  to  commit  so  many  foolish  actions,  contrary  to 
their  own  sober  judgment.  Next  day,  however, 
instead  of  profiting  by  this  self-condemnation,  I 
yielded  still  more  to  the  dictates  of  the  principle  I 
had  endeavoured  to  chastise,  and,  if  fortune  had  not 
befriended  me  more  than  prudence  could  expect,  I 
should  have  been  treated  with  the  contempt  it 
deserved.  After  breakfast,  my  lady,  who  was  a 
true  author,  bade  me  follow  her  into  the  study, 
where  she  expressed  herself  thus:  "Since  you  are 
so  learned,  you  cannot  be  void  of  taste ;  therefore 
I  am  to  desire  your  opinion  of  a  small  performance 
in  poetry,  which  I  lately  composed.  You  must 
know  I  have  planned  a  tragedy,  the  subject  of 
which  shall  be  the  murder  of  a  prince  before  the 
altar,  where  he  is  busy  at  his  devotions.  After 
[180] 


HER    LADYSHIP'S    POETRY 

the  deed  is  perpetrated,  the  regicide  will  harangue 
the  people  with  the  bloody  dagger  in  his  hand  ;  and 
I  have  already  composed  a  speech,  which  I  think 
will  suit  the  character  extremely ;  here  it  is."  Then 
taking  up  a  scrap  of  paper,  she  read  with  violent 
emphasis  and  gesture,  as  follows :  — 

Thus  have  I  sent  the  simple  king  to  hell, 

Without  or  coffin,  shroud,  or  passing  bell ; 

To  me  what  are  divine  and  human  laws  ? 

I  court  no  sanction  but  my  own  applause ! 

Rapes,  robb'ries,  treasons,  yield  my  soul  delight ; 

And  human  carnage  gratifies  my  sight : 

I  drag  the  parent  by  the  hoary  hair, 

And  toss  the  sprawling  infant  on  my  spear, 

While  the  fond  mother's  cries  regale  mine  ear, 

I  fight,  I  vanquish,  murder  friends  and  foes  : 

Nor  dare  th'  immortal  gods  my  rage  oppose. 

Though  I  did  great  violence  to  my  understanding 
in  praising  this  unnatural  rhapsody,  I  nevertheless 
extolled  it  as  a  production  that  of  itself  deserved 
immortal  fame ;  and  besought  her  ladyship  to  bless 
the  world  with  the  fruits  of  those  uncommon  talents 
Heaven  had  bestowed  upon  her.  She  smiled  with  a 
look  of  self-complacency,  and,  encouraged  by  the 
incense  I  had  offered,  communicated  all  her  poetical 
works,  which  I  applauded  one  by  one,  with  as  little 
candour  as  I  had  shown  at  first.  Satiated  with  my 
flattery,  which,  I  hope,  my  situation  justified,  she 
could  not  in  conscience  refuse  me  an  opportunity  of 
shining  in  my  turn ;  and,  therefore,  after  a  compli- 
ment to  my  nice  discernment  and  taste,  observed, 
that,  doubtless,  I  must  have  produced  something  in 
that  way  myself,  which  she  desired  to  see.  This  was 
[181] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

a  temptation  I  could  by  no  means  resist.  I  owned, 
that,  while  I  was  at  college,  I  wrote  some  small 
detached  pieces,  at  the  desire  of  a  friend  who  was 
in  love,  and  at  her  request  repeated  the  following 
verses,  which  indeed  my  love  for  Narcissa  had 
inspired :  — 

ON  CELIA, 

PLAYING   ON  THE   HARPSICHORD   AND   SINGING. 

When  Sappho  struck  the  quiv'ring  wire, 
The  throbbing  breast  was  all  on  fire : 
And,  when  she  rais'd  the  vocal  lay, 
The  captive  soul  was  charm 'd  away. 

But  had  the  nymph  possess'd  with  these, 
Thy  softer,  chaster  power  to  please  : 
Thy  beauteous  air  of  sprightly  youth, 
Thy  native  smiles  of  artless  truth  ; 

The  worm  of  grief  had  never  prey'd 
On  the  forsaken  love-sick  maid  : 
Nor  had  she  mourn 'd  an  hapless  flame, 
Nor  dash'd  on  rocks  her  tender  frame. 

My  mistress  paid  me  a  cold  compliment  on  my 
versification,  which,  she  said,  was  elegant  enough,  but 
the  subject  beneath  the  pen  of  a  true  poet.  I  was 
extremely  nettled  at  her  indifference,  and  looked  at 
Narcissa,  who  by  this  time  had  joined  us,  for  her 
approbation  ;  but  she  declined  giving  her  opinion, 
protesting  she  was  no  judge  of  these  matters  ;  so  that 
I  was  forced  to  retire,  very  much  balked  in  my  ex- 
pectation, which  was  generally  a  little  too  sanguine. 
In  the  afternoon,  however,  the  waiting-maid  assured 
me  that  Narcissa  had  expressed  her  approbation  of 
my  performance  with  great  warmth,  and  desired  her 
to  procure  a  copy  of  it,  as  for  herself,  that  she  (Nar- 
[182] 


A    DOUBLE    CONQUEST 

cissa)  might  have  an  opportunity  to  peruse  it  at 
pleasure.  I  was  elated  to  an  extravagant  pitch  at 
this  intelligence,  and  immediately  transcribed  a  fair 
copy  of  my  ode,  which  was  carried  to  the  dear 
charmer,  together  with  another  on  the  same  subject, 
as  follows :  — 

Thy  fatal  shafts  unerring  move, 

I  bow  before  thine  altar,  Love ! 

I  feel  thy  soft  resistless  flame 

Glide  swift  through  all  my  vital  frame ! 

For  while  I  gaze,  my  bosom  glows, 
My  blood  in  tides  impetuous  flows  ; 
Hope,  fear,  and  joy  alternate  roll, 
And  floods  of  transport  whelm  my  soul ! 

My  falt'ring  tongue  attempts  in  vain, 
In  soothing  murmurs  to  complain  ; 
My  tongue  some  secret  magic  ties, 
My  murmurs  sink  in  broken  sighs  ! 

Condemn'd  to  nurse  eternal  care, 
And  ever  drop  the  silent  tear, 
Unheard  I  moum,  unknown  I  sigh, 
Unfriended  live,  unpity'd  die  ! 

Whether  or  not  Narcissa  discovered  my  passion,  I 
could  not  learn  from  her  behaviour,  which,  though 
always  benevolent  to  me,  was  henceforth  more  re- 
served and  less  cheerful.  While  my  thoughts  as- 
pired to  a  sphere  so  far  above  me,  I  had  unwittingly 
made  a  conquest  of  the  cook-wench  and  dairy-maid, 
who  became  so  jealous  of  each  other,  that,  if  their 
sentiments  had  been  refined  by  education,  it  is  prob- 
able one  or  other  of  them  would  have  had  recourse 
to  poison  or  steel  to  be  avenged  of  her  rival ;  but 
as  their  minds  were  happily  adapted  to  their  humble 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

station,  their  mutual  enmity  was  confined  to  scolding 
and  fisty-cuffs,  in  which  exercises  they  were  both 
well  skilled.  My  good  fortune  did  not  long  remain 
a  secret ;  for  it  was  disclosed  by  the  frequent  broils 
of  these  heroines,  who  kept  no  decorum  in  their  en- 
counters. The  coachman  and  gardener,  who  paid 
their  devoirs  to  my  admirers,  each  to  his  respective 
choice,  alarmed  at  my  success,  laid  their  heads  to- 
gether, in  order  to  concert  a  plan  of  revenge ;  and 
the  former  having  been  educated  at  the  academy  at 
Tottenham  Court,  undertook  to  challenge  me  to 
single  combat.  He  accordingly,  with  many  oppro- 
brious invectives,  bade  me  defiance,  and  offered  to 
box  me  for  twenty  guineas.  I  told  him,  that, 
although  I  believed  myself  a  match  for  him,  even 
at  that  work,  I  would  not  descend  so  far  below  the 
dignity  of  a  gentleman  as  to  fight  like  a  porter ;  but 
if  he  had  anything  to  say  to  me,  I  was  his  man  at 
blunderbuss,  musket,  pistol,  sword,  hatchet,  spit, 
cleaver,  fork,  or  needle;  nay,  I  swore,  that,  should 
he  give  his  tongue  any  more  saucy  liberties  at  my 
expense,  I  would  crop  his  ears  without  any  ceremony. 
This  rhodomontade,  delivered  with  a  stern  counten- 
ance and  resolute  tone,  had  the  desired  effect  upon 
my  antagonist,  who,  with  some  confusion,  sneaked 
off,  and  gave  his  friend  an  account  of  his  reception. 
The  story  taking  air  among  the  servants,  procured 
for  me  the  title  of  Gentleman  John,  with  which  I 
was  sometimes  honoured,  even  by  my  mistress  and 
Narcissa,  who  had  been  informed  of  the  whole  affair 
by  the  chambermaid.  In  the  meantime,  the  rival 
queans  expressed  their  passion  by  all  the  ways  in 
[184] 


A    DOUBLE    CONQUEST 

their  power;  the  cook  entertained  me  with  choice 
bits,  the  dairy-maid  with  stroakings ;  the  first  would 
often  encourage  me  to  discover  myself  by  compliment- 
ing me  upon  my  courage  and  learning,  and  observing, 
that  if  she  had  a  husband  like  me,  to  maintain  order, 
and  keep  accounts,  she  could  make  a  great  deal  of 
money  by  setting  up  an  eating-house  at  London,  for 
gentlemen's  servants  on  board  wages.  The  other 
courted  my  affection,  by  showing  her  own  import- 
ance, and  telling  me,  that  many  a  substantial  farmer 
in  the  neighbourhood  would  be  glad  to  marry  her ; 
but  she  was  resolved  to  please  her  eye,  if  she  should 
plague  her  heart.  Then  she  would  launch  out  into 
the  praise  of  my  proper  person,  and  say,  she  was  sure 
I  would  make  a  good  husband,  for  I  was  very  good- 
natured.  I  began  to  be  uneasy  at  the  importunities 
of  these  inamoratas,  whom  at  another  time,  perhaps, 
I  might  have  pleased  without  the  disagreeable  sauce 
of  matrimony;  but  at  present  my  whole  soul  was 
engrossed  by  Narcissa,  and  I  could  not  bear  the 
thoughts  of  doing  anything  derogatory  of  the  passion 
I  entertained  for  her. 


[185] 


CHAPTER    FORTY-ONE 

NABCISSA    BEING   IN    DANGER    FROM    THE    BRUTALITY   OF 
SIR    TIMOTHY,    IS    RESCUED    BY   ME,   WHO    REVENGE 

MYSELF    ON    MY   RIVAL 1    DECLARE    MY    PASSION, 

AND  RETREAT   TO  THE  SEA-SIDE AM  SURROUNDED 

BY     SMUGGLERS,     AND     CARRIED     TO     BOULOGNE 

FIND   MY   UNCLE,   LIEUTENANT   BOWLING,    IN    GREAT 
DISTRESS,  AND  RELIEVE   HIM OUR   CONVERSATION. 

A  certain   intervals,    my   ambition    would 
revive ;  I  would  despise  myself  for  my 
tame  resignation  to  my  sordid  fate,  and 
revolve  an  hundred  schemes  for  assuming 
the  character  of  a  gentleman,  to  which  I  thought 
myself  entitled  by  birth  and  education.     In  these 
fruitless  suggestions   time  stole   away   unperceived, 
and  I  had  already  remained   eight  months  in  the 
station  of  a  footman,  when  an  accident  happened 
that  put  an  end  to  my.  servitude,  and  for  the  present 
banished  all  hopes  of  succeeding  in  my  love. 

Narcissa  went  one  day  to  visit  Miss  Thicket,  who 
lived  with  her  brother,  within  less  than  a  mile  of  our 
house,  and  was  persuaded  to  walk  home  in  the  cool 
of  the  evening,  accompanied  by  Sir  Timothy,  who 
having  a  good  deal  of  the  brute  in  him,  was  instigated 
to  use  some  unbecoming  familiarities  with  her,  en- 
couraged by  the  solitariness  of  a  field  through  which 
[186] 


SIR    TIMOTHY'S    BRUTALITY 

they  passed.  The  lovely  creature  was  incensed  at 
his  rude  behaviour,  for  which  she  reproached  him  in 
such  a  manner,  that  he  lost  all  regard  to  decency,  and 
actually  offered  violence  to  this  pattern  of  innocence 
and  beauty.  But  Heaven  would  not  suffer  so  much 
goodness  to  be  violated ;  and  sent  me,  who,  passing 
by  accident  near  the  place,  was  alarmed  with  her 
cries,  to  her  succour.  What  were  the  emotions  of 
my  soul  when  I  beheld  Narcissa,  almost  sinking 
beneath  the  brutal  force  of  this  satyr  i  I  flew  like 
lightning  to  her  rescue,  and  he,  perceiving  me,  quitted 
his  prey,  and  drew  his  hanger  to  chastise  my  pre- 
sumption. My  indignation  was  too  high  to  admit 
one  thought  of  fear :  so  that,  rushing  upon  him,  I 
struck  his  weapon  out  of  his  hand,  and  used  my 
cudgel  so  successfully,  that  he  fell  to  the  ground,  and 
lay,  to  all  appearance,  without  sense.  Then  I  turned 
to  Narcissa,  who  had  swooned,  and  sitting  down  by 
her,  gently  raised  her  head,  and  supported  it  on  my 
bosom,  while,  with  my  hand  around  her  waist,  I  kept 
her  in  that  position.  My  soul  was  thrilled  with 
tumultuous  joy  at  feeling  the  object  of  my  dearest 
wishes  within  my  arms ;  and  while  she  lay  insensible, 
I  could  not  refrain  from  applying  my  cheek  to  hers, 
and  ravishing  a  kiss.  In  a  little  time,  the  blood 
began  to  revisit  her  face ;  she  opened  her  enchanting 
eyes,  and  having  recollected  her  late  situation,  said, 
with  a  look  full  of  tender  acknowledgment,  "  Dear 
John,  I  am  eternally  obliged  to  you ! "  So  saying, 
she  made  an  effort  to  rise,  in  which  I  assisted  her,  and 
she  proceeded  to  the  house,  leaning  upon  me  all  the 
way.  I  was  a  thousand  times  tempted  by  this 

fiat] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

opportunity  to  declare  my  passion,  but  the  dread  of 
disobliging  her  restrained  my  tongue. 

We  had  not  moved  a  hundred  paces  from  the  scene 
of  her  distress,  when  I  perceived  Sir  Timothy  rise  and 
walk  homeward;  a  circumstance,  which,  though  it 
gave  me  some  satisfaction,  inasmuch  as  I  thereby 
knew  I  had  not  killed  him,  filled  me  with  just  appre- 
hension of  his  resentment,  which  I  found  myself  in 
no  condition  to  withstand ;  especially  when  I  con- 
sidered his  intimacy  with  our  squire,  to  whom  I  knew 
he  could  justify  himself  for  what  he  had  done,  by 
imputing  it  to  his  love,  and  desiring  his  brother 
Bruin  to  take  the  same  liberty  with  his  sister,  with- 
out any  fear  of  offence.  When  we  arrived  at  the 
house,  Narcissa  assured  me,  she  would  exert  all  her 
influence  in  protecting  me  from  the  revenge  of 
Thicket,  and  likewise  engage  her  aunt  in  my  favour. 
At  the  same  time,  pulling  out  her  purse,  offered  it 
as  a  small  consideration  for  the  service  I  had  done 
her.  But  I  stood  too  much  upon  the  punctilios  of 
love,  to  incur  the  least  suspicion  of  being  mercenary, 
and  refused  the  present,  by  saying,  I  had  merited 
nothing  by  barely  doing  my  duty.  She  seemed 
astonished  at  my  disinterestedness,  and  blushed :  I 
felt  the  same  suffusion,  and,  with  a  downcast  eye  and 
broken  accent,  told  her,  I  had  one  request  to  make, 
which  if  her  generosity  would  grant,  I  should  think 
myself  fully  recompensed  for  an  age  of  misery.  She 
changed  colour  at  this  preamble,  and,  with  great 
confusion,  replied,  she  hoped  my  good  sense  would 
hinder  me  from  asking  anything  she  was  bound  in 
honour  to  refuse,  and  therefore  bade  me  signify  my 
[188] 


MRS.    SAGELY'S    ADVICE 

desire.  Upon  which  I  kneeled,  and  begged  to  kiss 
her  hand.  She  immediately,  with  an  averted  look, 
stretched  it  out;  I  imprinted  on  it  an  ardent  kiss, 
and  bathing  it  with  my  tears,  cried,  "  Dear  Madam, 
I  am  an  unfortunate  gentleman,  and  love  you  to 
distraction,  but  would  have  died  a  thousand  deaths 
rather  than  make  this  declaration  under  such  a  servile 
appearance,  were  I  not  determined  to  yield  to  the 
rigour  of  my  fate,  to  fly  from  your  bewitching  pres- 
ence, and  bury  my  presumptuous  passion  in  eternal 
silence."  With  these  words  I  rose  and  went  away, 
before  she  could  recover  her  spirits  so  far  as  to  make 
any  reply. 

My  first  care  was  to  go  and  consult  Mrs.  Sagely, 
with  whom  I  had  maintained  a  friendly  correspon- 
dence ever  since  I  left  her  house.  When  she  under- 
stood my  situation,  the  good  woman,  with  real  concern, 
condoled  me  on  my  unhappy  fate,  and  approved  of 
my  resolution  to  leave  the  country,  as  being  perfectly 
well  acquainted  with  the  barbarous  disposition  of  my 
rival,  "  who  by  this  time,"  said  she,  "  has  no  doubt 
meditated  a  scheme  of  revenge.  Indeed  I  cannot  see 
how  you  will  be  able  to  elude  his  vengeance ;  being 
himself  in  the  commission,  he  will  immediately  grant 
warrants  for  apprehending  you ;  and  as  almost  all 
the  people  in  this  county  are  dependent  on  him  or 
his  friend,  it  will  be  impossible  for  you  to  find  shelter 
among  them.  If  you  should  be  apprehended,  he  will 
commit  you  to  jail,  where  you  may  possibly  languish 
in  great  misery  till  the  next  assizes,  and  then  be 
transported  for  assaulting  a  magistrate."  While  she 
thus  warned  me  of  my  danger,  we  heard  a  knocking 
[189] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

at  the  door,  which  threw  us  both  into  consternation, 
as,  in  all  probability,  it  was  occasioned  by  my  pur- 
suers :  whereupon  this  generous  old  lady,  putting 
two  guineas  into  my  hand,  with  tears  in  her  eyes, 
bade  me  for  God's  sake  to  get  out  at  the  back  door, 
and  consult  my  safety  as  Providence  should  direct  me. 
There  was  no  time  for  deliberation.  I  followed  her 
advice,  and  escaped  by  the  benefit  of  a  dark  night  to 
the  sea-side,  where,  while  I  ruminated  on  my  next 
excursion,  I  was  all  of  a  sudden  surrounded  by  armed 
men,  who,  having  bound  my  hands  and  feet,  bade  me 
make  no  noise,  on  pain  of  being  shot,  and  carried  me 
on  board  of  a  vessel,  which  I  soon  perceived  to  be  a 
smuggling  cutter.  This  discovery  gave  me  some  sat- 
isfaction at  first,  because  I  concluded  myself  safe  from 
the  resentment  of  Sir  Timothy.  But  when  I  found 
myself  in  the  hands  of  ruffians,  who  threatened  to 
execute  me  for  a  spy,  I  would  have  thought  myself 
happily  quit  for  a  year's  imprisonment,  or  even  trans- 
portation. It  was  in  vain  for  me  to  protest  my  inno- 
cence. I  could  not  persuade  them  that  I  had  taken 
a  solitary  walk  to  their  haunt,  at  such  an  hour, 
merely  for  my  own  amusement ;  and  I  did  not  think 
it  my  interest  to  disclose  the  true  cause  of  my  retreat, 
because  I  was  afraid  they  would  have  made  their 
peace  with  justice,  by  surrendering  me  to  the  penalty 
of  the  law.  What  confirmed  their  suspicion  was,  the 
appearance  of  a  custom-house  yacht,  which  gave  them 
chase,  and  had  well-nigh  made  a  prize  of  the  vessel ; 
when  they  were  delivered  from  their  fears  by  a  thick 
fog,  which  effectually  screened  them,  and  favoured 
their  arrival  at  Boulogne.  But  before  they  got  out 
[190] 


CARRIED    OFF    BY    SMUGGLERS 

of  sight  of  their  pursuer,  they  held  a  council  of  war 
about  me ;  and  some  of  the  most  ferocious  among 
them  would  have  thrown  me  overboard,  as  a  traitor 
who  had  betrayed  them  to  their  enemies ;  but  others, 
more  considerate,  alleged,  that,  if  they  put  me  to 
death,  and  should  afterwards  be  taken,  they  could 
expect  no  mercy  from  the  legislature,  which  would 
never  pardon  outlawry  aggravated  by  murder.  It 
was  therefore  determined  by  a  plurality  of  votes,  that 
I  should  be  set  on  shore  in  France,  and  left  to  find 
my  passage  back  to  England  as  I  should  think  proper, 
this  being  punishment  sufficient  for  the  bare  suspicion 
of  a  crime  in  itself  not  capital.  Although  this  fa- 
vourable determination  gave  me  great  pleasure,  the 
apprehension  of  being  robbed  would  not  suffer  me  to 
be  perfectly  at  ease.  To  prevent  this  calamity,  as 
soon  as  I  was  untied,  in  consequence  of  the  foresaid 
decision,  I  tore  a  small  hole  in  one  of  my  stockings, 
into  which  I  dropped  six  guineas,  reserving  half  a 
piece  and  some  silver  in  my  pocket,  that,  finding 
something,  they  might  not  be  tempted  to  make  any 
further  inquiry.  This  was  a  very  necessary  precau- 
tion ;  for  when  we  came  within  sight  of  the  French 
shore,  one  of  the  smugglers  told  me,  I  must  pay  for 
my  passage.  To  this  declaration  I  replied,  that  my 
passage  was  none  of  my  own  seeking  ;  therefore  they 
could  not  expect  a  reward  from  me  for  transporting 
me  into  a  strange  country  by  force.  "  D — me  ! " 
said  the  outlaw,  "  none  of  your  palaver ;  but  let  me 
see  what  money  you  have  got."  So  saying,  he  thrust 
his  hand  into  my  pocket  without  any  ceremony,  and 
emptied  it  of  the  contents.  Then  casting  an  eye  at 
[191] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

my  hat  and  wig,  which  captivated  his  fancy,  he  took 
them  off,  and  clapping  his  own  on  my  head,  declared, 
that  a  fair  exchange  was  no  robbery.  I  was  fain  to  put 
up  with  the  bargain,  which  was  by  no  means  favour- 
able to  me ;  and  a  little  while  after  we  went  all  on 
shore  together. 

I  resolved  to  take  my  leave  of  these  desperadoes 
without  much  ceremony,  when  one  of  them  cautioned 
me  against  appearing  to  their  prejudice,  if  ever  I  re- 
turned to  England,  unless  I  had  a  mind  to  be  mur- 
dered ;  for  which  service,  he  assured  me,  the  gang 
never  wanted  agents.  I  promised  to  observe  his  ad- 
vice, and  departed  for  the  Upper  Town,  where  I  in- 
quired for  a  cabaret,  or  public-house,  into  which  I 
went,  with  an  intention  of  taking  some  refreshment. 
In  the  kitchen,  five  Dutch  sailors  sat  at  breakfast, 
with  a  large  loaf,  a  firkin  of  butter,  and  a  cag  of 
brandy,  the  bung  of  which  they  often  applied  to 
their  mouths  with  great  perseverance  and  satisfaction. 
At  some  distance  from  them  I  perceived  another  per- 
son in  the  same  garb,  sitting  in  a  pensive  solitary 
manner,  entertaining  himself  with  a  whiff  of  tobacco, 
from  the  stump  of  a  pipe  as  black  as  jet.  The  ap- 
pearance of  distress  never  failed  to  attract  my  regard 
and  compassion.  I  approached  this  forlorn  tar  with 
a  view  to  offer  him  my  assistance ;  and,  notwithstand- 
ing the  alteration  of  dress,  and  disguise  of  a  long 
beard,  I  discovered  in  him  my  long  lost  and  lamented 
uncle  and  benefactor.  Lieutenant  Bowling !  Good 
Heaven  !  what  were  the  agitations  of  my  soul,  be- 
tween the  joy  of  finding  again  such  a  valuable  friend, 
and  the  sorrow  of  seeing  him  in  such  a  low  condition  ! 
[192] 


DISCOVERS    HIS    UNCLE 

The  tears  gushed  down  my  cheeks  :  I  stood  motion- 
less and  silent  for  some  time ;  at  length,  recovering 
the  use  of  speech,  exclaimed,  "  Gracious  God  !  Mr. 
Bowling ! "  My  uncle  no  sooner  heard  his  name 
mentioned,  than  he  started  up,  crying  with  some  sur- 
prise, "  Holloa ! ""  and  after  having  looked  at  me 
steadfastly,  without  being  able  to  recollect  me,  said, 
"  Did  you  call  me,  brother  ? "  I  told  him  I  had 
something  extraordinary  to  communicate,  and  desired 
him  to  give  me  the  hearing  for  a  few  minutes  in  an- 
other room  ;  but  he  would  by  no  means  consent  to 
this  proposal,  saying,  "  Avast  there,  friend ;  none  of 
your  tricks  upon  travellers  ;  if  you  have  anything  to 
say  to  me,  do  it  above  board ;  you  need  not  be  afraid 
of  being  overheard ;  here  are  none  who  understand 
our  lingo."" 

Though  I  was  loth  to  discover  myself  before  com- 
pany, I  could  no  longer  refrain  from  telling  him  I 
was  his  own  nephew,  Roderick  Random.  On  this 
information,  he  considered  me  with  great  earnestness 
and  astonishment,  and  recalling  my  features,  which, 
though  enlarged,  were  not  entirely  altered  since  he 
had  seen  me,  came  up,  and  shook  me  by  the  hand 
very  cordially,  protesting  he  was  glad  to  see  me  well. 
After  some  pause,  he  went  on  thus :  "  And  yet,  my 
lad,  I  am  sorry  to  see  you  under  such  colours ;  the 
more  so,  as  it  is  not  in  my  power,  at  present,  to 
change  them  for  the  better,  times  being  very  hard 
with  me."  With  these  words,  I  could  perceive  a  tear 
trickle  down  his  furrowed  cheeks,  which  affected  me 
so  much,  that  I  wept  bitterly.  Imagining  my  sorrow 
was  the  effect  of  my  own  misfortunes,  he  comforted 

TOL.II.-13  [193] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

me,  with  observing  that  life  was  a  voyage  in  which 
we  must  expect  to  meet  with  all  weathers ;  sometimes 
it  was  calm,  sometimes  rough ;  that  a  fair  gale  often 
succeeded  a  storm ;  that  the  wind  did  not  always  sit 
one  way,  and  that  despair  signified  nothing;  but 
that  resolution  and  skill  were  better  than  a  stout 
vessel ;  for  why  ?  because  they  require  no  carpenter, 
and  grow  stronger  the  more  labour  they  undergo.  I 
dried  up  my  tears,  which  I  assured  him  were  not  shed 
for  my  own  distress,  but  for  his,  and  begged  leave  to 
accompany  him  into  another  room,  where  we  could 
converse  more  at  our  ease.  There  I  recounted  to  him 
the  ungenerous  usage  I  had  met  with  from  Potion ; 
at  which  relation  he  started  up,  stalked  across  the 
room  three  or  four  times  in  a  great  hurry,  and,  grasp- 
ing his  cudgel,  cried,  "  I  would  I  were  alongside  of 
him  —  that's  all  —  I  would  I  were  alongside  of 
him  ! "  I  then  gave  him  a  detail  of  all  my  adven- 
tures and  sufferings,  which  affected  him  more  than  I 
could  have  imagined ;  and  concluded  with  telling  him 
that  Captain  Oakum  was  still  alive,  and  that  he 
might  return  to  England  when  he  would  to  solicit 
his  affairs,  without  danger  or  molestation. 

He  was  wonderfully  pleased  with  this  piece  of  in- 
formation, of  which,  however,  he  said  he  could  not  at 
present  avail  himself,  for  want  of  money  to  pay  his 
passage  to  London.  This  objection  I  soon  removed, 
by  putting  five  guineas  into  his  hand,  and  telling  him, 
I  thought  myself  extremely  happy  in  having  an  op- 
portunity of  manifesting  my  gratitude  to  him  in  his 
necessity.  But  it  was  with  the  utmost  difficulty  I 
could  prevail  upon  him  to  accept  of  two,  which  he 
[194] 


BOWLING'S    ADVENTURES 

affirmed  were  more  than  sufficient  to  defray  the 
necessary  expense.  After  this  friendly  contest  was 
over,  he  proposed  we  should  have  a  mess  of  some- 
thing :  "  For,"  said  he,  "  it  has  been  banyan-day 
for  me  a  great  while.  You  must  know  I  was  ship- 
wrecked five  days  ago,  near  a  place  called  Lisieux,  in 
company  with  those  Dutchmen  who  are  now  drinking 
below ;  and  having  but  little  money  when  I  came 
ashore,  it  was  soon  spent,  because  I  let  them  have 
share  and  share  while  it  lasted.  Howsomever,  I 
should  have  remembered  the  old  saying,  Every  hog 
his  own  apple :  for  when  they  found  my  hold  unstowed, 
they  went  all  hands  to  shooling  and  begging,  and 
because  I  would  not  take  a  spell  at  the  same  duty, 
refused  to  give  me  the  least  assistance ;  so  that  I 
have  not  broke  bread  these  two  days.11  I  was  shocked 
at  the  extremity  of  his  distress,  and  ordered  some 
bread,  cheese,  and  wine  to  be  brought  immediately, 
to  allay  his  hunger,  until  a  fricassee  of  chickens  could 
be  prepared.  When  he  had  recruited  his  spirits  with 
this  homely  fare,  I  desired  to  know  the  particulars 
of  his  peregrination,  since  the  accident  at  Cape 
Tiberoon ;  which  were  briefly  these :  the  money  he 
had  about  him  being  all  spent  at  Port  Louis,  the 
civility  and  hospitality  of  the  French  cooled  to 
such  a  degree,  that  he  was  obliged  to  list  on  board 
of  one  of  their  king^s  ships  as  a  common  foremast 
man,  to  prevent  himself  from  starving  on  shore.  In 
this  situation  he  continued  two  years,  during  which 
time  he  had  acquired  some  knowledge  of  their  lan- 
guage, and  the  reputation  of  a  good  seaman :  the  ship 
he  belonged  to  was  ordered  home  to  France,  where 
[195] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

she  was  laid  up,  as  unfit  for  service,  and  he  was  re- 
ceived on  board  of  one  of  Monsieur  D' Anting  squad- 
ron, in  quality  of  quarter-master ;  which  office  he 
performed  in  a  voyage  to  the  West  Indies,  where  they 
engaged  with  our  ship  as  before  related ;  but  his 
conscience  upbraiding  him  for  serving  the  enemies 
of  his  country,  he  quitted  the  ship  at  the  same  place 
where  he  first  listed,  and  got  to  Curacoa  in  a 
Dutch  vessel;  there  he  bargained  with  a  skipper 
bound  to  Europe,  to  work  for  his  passage  to  Holland, 
from  whence  he  was  in  hopes  of  hearing  from  his 
friends  in  England ;  but  was  cast  away,  as  he  men- 
tioned before,  on  the  French  coast,  and  must  have 
been  reduced  to  the  necessity  of  travelling  on  foot  to 
Holland,  and  begging  for  his  subsistence  on  the  road, 
or  of  entering  on  board  of  another  French  man-of- 
war,  at  the  hazard  of  being  treated  as  a  deserter,  if 
Providence  had  not  sent  me  to  his  succour.  "  And 
now,  my  lad,"  continued  he,  "  I  think  I  shall  steer  my 
course  directly  to  London,  where  I  do  not  doubt  of 
being  replaced,  and  of  having  the  R  taken  off  me  by 
the  Lords  of  the  Admiralty,  to  whom  I  intend  to  write 
a  petition,  setting  forth  my  case.  If  I  succeed,  I  shall 
have  wherewithal  to  give  you  some  assistance,  because, 
when  I  left  the  ship,  I  had  two  years'  pay  due  to  me  : 
therefore  I  desire  to  know  whither  you  are  bound  ; 
and  besides,  perhaps,  I  may  have  interest  enough  to 
procure  a  warrant  appointing  you  surgeon's  mate  of 
the  ship  to  which  I  shall  belong.  For  the  beadle  of 
the  Admiralty  is  my  good  friend;  and  he  and  one 
of  the  under  clerks  are  sworn  brothers,  and  that  under 
clerk  has  a  good  deal  to  say  with  one  of  the  upper 
[196] 


BOWLING'S    EXPECTATIONS 

clerks,  who  is  very  well  known  to  the  under  secretary, 
who  upon  his  recommendation,  I  hope  will  recom- 
mend my  affair  to  the  first  secretary  ;  and  he  again 
will  speak  to  one  of  the  lords  in  my  behalf:  so  that 
you  see  I  do  not  want  friends  to  assist  me  on  oc- 
casion —  as  for  the  fellow,  Crampley,  thoT  I  know 
him  not,  I  am  sure  he  is  neither  seaman,  nor  officer, 
by  what  you  have  told  me,  or  else  he  could  never  be 
so  much  mistaken  in  his  reckoning,  as  to  run  the  ship 
on  shore  on  the  coast  of  Sussex,  before  he  believed 
himself  in  soundings ;  neither,  when  that  accident  hap- 
pened, would  he  have  left  the  ship  until  she  had  been 
stove  to  pieces,  especially  when  the  tide  was  making ; 
wherefore,  by  this  time,  I  do  suppose  he  has  been 
tried  by  a  court-martial,  and  executed  for  his  coward- 
ice and  misconduct."  I  could  not  help  smiling  at 
the  description  of  my  uncle's  ladder,  by  which  he 
proposed  to  climb  to  the  attention  of  the  Board  of 
Admiralty ;  and  though  I  knew  the  world  too  well,  to 
confide  in  such  dependence  myself,  I  would  not  dis- 
courage him  with  doubts ;  but  asked  if  he  had  no 
friend  in  London,  who  would  advance  a  small  sum  of 
money  to  enable  him  to  appear  as  he  ought,  and 
make  a  small  present  to  the  under  secretary,  who 
might  possibly  despatch  his  business  the  sooner  on 
that  account.  He  scratched  his  head,  and,  after 
some  recollection,  replied,  "Why,  yes,  I  believe 
Daniel  Whipcord  the  ship-chandler  in  Wapping 
would  not  refuse  me  such  a  small  matter.  I  know 
I  can  have  what  credit  I  want,  for  lodging,  liquor, 
and  clothes  :  but  as  to  money,  I  won't  be  positive : 
had  honest  Block  been  living,  I  should  not  have 
[197] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

been  at  a  loss.1"  I  was  heartily  sorry  to  find  a 
worthy  man  so  destitute  of  friends,  when  he  had 
such  need  of  them ;  and  looked  upon  my  own  situ- 
ation as  less  miserable  than  his,  because  I  was  better 
acquainted  with  the  selfishness  and  roguery  of  man- 
kind, consequently  less  liable  to  disappointment  and 
imposition. 


[198] 


CHAPTER  FORTY-TWO 

HE  TAKES  HIS  PASSAGE  IN  A  CUTTER  FOE  DEAL WE  ARE 

ACCOSTED  BY  A  PRIEST,  WHO  PROVES  TO  BE  A  SCOTCH- 
MAN   HIS  PROFESSION  OF  FRIENDSHIP HE  IS  AF- 
FRONTED BY  THE  LIEUTENANT,  WHO  AFTERWARDS 

APPEASES  HIM  BY  SUBMISSION MY  UNCLE  EMBARKS 

I  AM  INTRODUCED  BY  THE  PRIEST  TO  A  CAPUCHIN, 

IN  WHOSE  COMPANY  I  SET  OUT  FOR  PARIS THE  CHAR- 
ACTER OF  MY  FELLOW-TRAVELLER AN  ADVENTURE 

ON  THE  ROAD 1  AM  SHOCKED  AT  HIS  BEHAVIOUR. 

WHEN  our  repast  was  ended,  we  walked 
down  to  the  harbour,  where  we  found 
a  cutter  that  was  to  sail  for  Deal  in 
the  evening,  and  Mr.  Bowling  agreed 
for  his   passage.     In   the   meantime,  we  sauntered 
about  the  town  to  satisfy  our  curiosity,  our  conversa- 
tion turning  on  the  subject  of  my  designs,  which 
were  not  as  yet  fixed :  neither  can  it  be  supposed 
that  my  mind  was  at  ease,  when  I  found  myself  re- 
duced almost  to  extreme  poverty,  in  the  midst  of 
foreigners,  among  whom  I  had  not  one  acquaintance 
to  advise  or  befriend  me.     My  uncle  was  sensible  of 
my  forlorn  condition,  and  pressed  me  to  accompany 
him  to  England,  where  he  did  not  doubt  of  finding 
some  sort  of  provision  for  me  :  but,  besides  the  other 
reasons  I  had  for  avoiding  that  kingdom,  I  looked 
upon  it,  at  this  time,  as  the  worst  country  in  the 
[199] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

universe  for  an  honest  man  to  live  in ;  and  therefore 
determined  to  remain  in  France,  at  all  events.  I  was 
confirmed  in  this  resolution  by  a  reverend  priest,  who 
passing  by  at  this  time,  and  overhearing  us  speak 
English,  accosted  us  in  the  same  language,  telling  us, 
he  was  our  countryman,  and  wishing  it  might  be  in 
his  power  to  do  us  any  service.  We  thanked  this 
grave  person  for  his  courteous  offer,  and  invited  him 
to  drink  a  glass  with  us,  which  he  did  not  think 
proper  to  refuse,  and  we  went  all  together  into  a 
tavern  of  his  recommending.  After  having  drank  to 
our  healths  in  a  bumper  of  good  Burgundy,  he  began 
to  inquire  into  our  situation,  particularly  the  place 
of  our  nativity,  which  we  no  sooner  named,  than  he 
started  up,  and  wringing  our  hands  with  great  fer- 
vour, shed  a  flood  of  tears,  crying,  "  I  come  from  the 
same  part  of  the  country !  perhaps  you  are  my  own 
relations."  I  was  on  my  guard  against  his  caresses, 
which  I  suspected  very  much,  when  I  remembered 
the  adventure  of  the  money-dropper;  but,  without 
any  appearance  of  diffidence,  observed,  that  as  he  was 
born  in  that  part  of  the  country,  he  must  certainly 
know  our  families,  which,  howsoever  mean  our  present 
appearance  might  be,  were  none  of  the  most  obscure 
or  inconsiderable.  Then  I  discovered  our  names,  to 
which  I  found  he  was  no  stranger :  he  had  known  my 
grandfather  personally  ;  and,  notwithstanding  an  ab- 
sence of  fifty  years  from  Scotland,  recounted  so  many 
particulars  of  the  families  in  the  neighbourhood,  that 
my  scruples  were  entirely  removed,  and  I  thought 
myself  happy  in  his  acquaintance.  In  the  course  of 
our  conversation,  I  disclosed  my  condition  without 


A    RELIGIOUS    DISCOURSE 

reserve,  and  displayed  my  talents  to  such  advantage, 
that  the  old  father  looked  upon  me  with  admiration, 
and  assured  me,  that  if  I  stayed  in  France,  and 
listened  to  reason,  I  could  not  fail  of  making  my 
fortune,  to  which  he  would  contribute  all  in  his 
power. 

My  uncle  began  to  be  jealous  of  the  priest's  insinu- 
ation, and  very  abruptly  declared,  that,  if  ever  I 
should  renounce  my  religion,  he  would  break  off  all 
connexion  and  correspondence  with  me ;  for  it  was  his 
opinion,  that  no  honest  man  would  swerve  from  the 
principles  in  which  he  was  bred,  whether  Turkish, 
Protestant,  or  Roman.  The  father,  affronted  at  this 
declaration,  with  great  vehemence  began  a  long  dis- 
course, setting  forth  the  danger  of  obstinacy,  and 
shutting  one's  eyes  against  the  light:  he  said  that 
ignorance  would  be  no  plea  towards  justification, 
when  we  had  opportunities  of  being  better  informed ; 
and  that,  if  the  minds  of  people  had  not  been  open 
to  conviction,  the  Christian  religion  could  not  have 
been  propagated  in  the  world,  and  we  should  now  be 
in  a  state  of  Pagan  darkness  and  barbarity.  He  en- 
deavoured to  prove,  by  some  texts  of  Scripture,  and 
many  quotations  from  the  Fathers,  that  the  Pope 
was  the  successor  of  St.  Peter,  and  Vicar  of  Jesus 
Christ ;  that  the  Church  of  Rome  was  the  true  holy 
Catholic  Church ;  and  that  the  Protestant  faith  was 
an  impious  heresy  and  damnable  schism,  by  which 
many  millions  of  souls  would  suffer  everlasting  per- 
dition. When  he  had  finished  this  sermon,  which  I 
thought  he  pronounced  with  more  zeal  than  discre- 
tion, he  addressed  himself  to  my  uncle,  and  desired 
[201  ] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

to  know  his  objections  to  what  had  been  said.  The 
lieutenant,  whose  attention  had  been  wholly  engrossed 
by  his  own  affairs,  took  the  pipe  out  of  his  mouth, 
and  replied,  "  As  for  me,  friend,  d1  ye  see,  I  have  no 
objection  to  what  you  say  ;  it  may  be  either  true  or 
false  for  what  I  know ;  I  meddle  with  nobody's  affairs 
but  my  own  ;  the  gunner  to  his  linstock,  and  the 
steersman  to  the  helm,  as  the  saying  is.  I  trust  to 
no  creed  but  the  compass,  and  do  unto  every  man  as 
I  would  be  done  by ;  so  that  I  defy  the  Pope,  the 
Devil,  and  the  Pretender ;  and  hope  to  be  saved  as 
well  as  an  other. "  This  association  of  persons  gave 
great  offence  to  the  friar,  who  protested,  in  a  mighty 
passion,  that,  if  Mr.  Bowling  had  not  been  his 
countryman,  he  would  have  caused  him  to  be  im- 
prisoned for  his  insolence.  I  ventured  to  disapprove  of 
my  uncle's  rashness,  and  appeased  the  old  gentleman, 
by  assuring  him,  there  was  no  offence  intended  by 
my  kinsman,  who,  by  this  time,  sensible  of  his  error, 
shook  the  injured  party  by  the  hand,  and  asked 
pardon  for  the  freedom  he  had  taken.  Matters  being 
amicably  compromised,  he  invited  us  to  come  and  see 
him  in  the  afternoon  at  the  convent  to  which  he  be- 
longed, and  took  his  leave  for  the  present ;  when  my 
uncle  recommended  it  strongly  to  me  to  persevere  in 
the  religion  of  my  forefathers,  whatever  advantages  I 
might  propose  to  myself  by  a  change,  which  could 
not  fail  of  disgracing  myself,  and  dishonouring  my 
family.  I  assured  him,  no  consideration  should  in- 
duce me  to  forfeit  his  friendship  and  good  opinion 
on  that  score ;  at  which  assurance  he  discovered  great 
satisfaction,  and  put  me  in  mind  of  dinner,  which  we 


BOWLING    SAILS    FOR    ENGLAND 

immediately  bespoke,  and,  when  it  was  ready,  ate 
together. 

I  imagined  my  acquaintance  with  the  Scottish 
priest,  if  properly  managed,  might  turn  out  to  my 
advantage,  and  therefore  resolved  to  cultivate  it  as 
much  as  I  could.  With  this  view  we  visited  him  at 
his  convent,  according  to  his  invitation,  where  he 
treated  us  with  wine  and  sweetmeats,  and  showed  us 
everything  that  was  remarkable  in  the  monastery. 
Having  been  thus  entertained,  we  took  our  leave, 
though  not  before  I  had  promised  to  see  him  next 
day  ;  and  the  time  fixed  for  my  uncle's  embarking 
being  come,  I  accompanied  him  to  the  harbour,  and 
saw  him  on  board.  We  parted  not  without  tears, 
after  we  had  embraced,  and  wished  one  another  all 
manner  of  prosperity ;  and  he  entreated  me  to  write 
to  him  often,  directing  to  Lieutenant  Bowling,  at 
the  sign  of  the  Union  Flag,  near  the  Hermitage, 
London. 

I  returned  to  the  house  in  which  we  had  met, 
where  I  passed  the  night  in  a  very  solitary  manner, 
reflecting  on  the  severity  of  my  fate,  and  endeavour- 
ing to  project  some  likely  scheme  of  life  for  the 
future ;  but  my  invention  failed  me ;  I  saw  nothing 
but  insurmountable  difficulties  in  my  way,  and  was 
ready  to  despair  at  the  miserable  prospect !  That  I 
might  not,  however,  neglect  any  probable  means,  I 
got  up  in  the  morning,  and  went  directly  to  the 
father,  whose  advice  and  assistance  I  implored.  He 
received  me  very  kindly,  and  gave  me  to  understand, 
that  there  was  one  way  of  life  in  which  a  person  of 
my  talents  could  not  fail  of  making  a  great  figure. 
[203] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

I  guessed  his  meaning,  and  told  him  once  for  all,  I 
was  fully  determined  against  any  alteration  in  point 
of  religion,  therefore,  if  his  proposal  regarded  the 
Church,  he  might  save  himself  the  trouble  of  explain- 
ing it.  He  shook  his  head,  and  sighed,  saying,  "  Ah  ! 
son,  son,  what  a  glorious  prospect  is  here  spoiled,  by 
your  stubborn  prejudice !  Suffer  yourself  to  be 
persuaded  by  reason,  and  consult  your  temporal 
welfare,  as  well  as  the  concerns  of  your  eternal  soul. 
I  can,  by  my  interest,  procure  your  admission  as  a 
noviciate  into  this  convent,  where  I  will  superintend 
and  direct  you  with  a  truly  paternal  affection." 
Then  he  launched  out  into  the  praises  of  a  monastic 
life,  which  no  noise  disturbs,  no  cares  molest,  and  no 
danger  invades ;  where  the  heart  is  weaned  from 
carnal  attachments,  the  grosser  appetites  subdued 
and  chastised,  and  the  soul  wafted  to  divine  regions 
of  philosophy  and  truth,  on  the  wings  of  studious 
contemplation.  But  his  eloquence  was  lost  upon 
me,  whom  two  considerations  enabled  to  withstand 
his  temptations ;  namely,  my  promise  to  my  uncle, 
and  my  aversion  to  an  ecclesiastical  life ;  for,  as  to 
the  difference  of  religion,  I  looked  upon  it  as  a  thing 
of  too  small  moment  to  come  in  competition  with  a 
man's  fortune.  Finding  me  immovable  on  this  head, 
he  told  me  he  was  more  sorry  than  offended  at  my 
non-compliance,  and  still  ready  to  employ  his  good 
offices  in  my  behalf.  "  The  same  erroneous  maxims," 
said  he,  "  that  obstruct  your  promotion  in  the 
Church,  will  infallibly  prevent  your  advancement  in 
the  army ;  but  if  you  can  brook  the  condition  of  a 
servant,  I  am  acquainted  with  some  people  of  rank 
[204] 


A    FELLOW-TRAVELLER 

at  Versailles,  to  whom  I  can  give  you  letters  of 
recommendation,  that  you  may  be  entertained  by 
some  one  of  them  in  quality  of  maitre  cThotel ;  and  I 
do  not  doubt  that  your  qualifications  will  soon 
entitle  you  to  a  better  provision."  I  embraced  his 
offer  with  great  eagerness  ;  and  he  appointed  me  to 
come  back  in  the  afternoon,  when  he  would  not  only 
give  me  letters,  but  likewise  introduce  me  to  a 
capuchin  of  his  acquaintance,  who  intended  to  set 
out  for  Paris  next  morning,  in  whose  company  I 
might  travel  without  being  at  the  expense  of  one 
livre  during  the  whole  journey.  This  piece  of  good 
news  gave  me  infinite  pleasure ;  I  acknowledged  my 
obligation  to  the  benevolent  father,  in  the  most 
grateful  expressions  ;  and  he  performed  his  promise 
to  a  tittle,  in  delivering  the  letters,  and  making  me 
acquainted  with  the  capuchin,  with  whom  I  departed 
next  morning  by  break  of  day. 

It  was  not  long  before  I  discovered  my  fellow- 
traveller  to  be  a  merry  facetious  fellow,  who,  not- 
withstanding his  profession  and  appearance  of 
mortification,  loved  good  eating  and  drinking  better 
than  his  rosary,  and  paid  more  adoration  to  a  pretty 
girl  than  to  the  Virgin  Mary,  or  St.  Genevieve.  He 
was  a  thick  brawny  young  man,  with  red  eyebrows, 
a  hook  nose,  a  face  covered  with  freckles ;  and  his 
name  was  Frere  Balthazar.  His  order  did  not  permit 
him  to  wear  linen,  so  that,  having  little  occasion  to 
undress  himself,  he  was  none  of  the  cleanliest  animals 
in  the  world  ;  and  his  constitution  was  naturally  so 
strongly  scented,  that  I  always  thought  it  convenient 
to  keep  to  the  windward  of  him  in  our  march.  As 
[205] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

he  was  perfectly  well  known  on  the  road,  we  fared 
sumptuously  without  any  cost,  and  the  fatigue  of 
our  journey  was  much  alleviated  by  the  good-humour 
of  my  companion,  who  sung  an  infinite  number  of 
catches  on  the  subjects  of  love  and  wine.  We  took 
up  our  lodging  the  first  night  at  a  peasant's  house 
not  far  from  Abbeville,  where  we  were  entertained 
with  an  excellent  ragout,  cooked  by  our  landlord's 
daughters,  one  of  whom  was  very  handsome.  After 
having  eaten  heartily,  and  drank  a  sufficient  quantity 
of  small  wine,  we  were  conducted  to  a  barn,  where 
we  found  a  couple  of  carpets  spread  upon  clean  straw 
for  our  reception.  We  had  not  lain  in  this  situation 
above  half  an  hour,  when  we  heard  somebody  knock 
softly  at  the  door,  upon  which  Balthazar  got  up,  and 
let  in  our  host's  two  daughters,  who  wanted  to  have 
some  private  conversation  with  him  in  the  dark ; 
when  they  had  whispered  together  for  some  time, 
the  capuchin  came  to  me,  and  asked  if  I  was  insen- 
sible to  love,  and  so  hard-hearted  as  to  refuse  a  share 
of  my  bed  to  a  pretty  maid,  who  had  a  tendre  for 
me?  I  must  own,  to  my  shame,  that  I  suffered 
myself  to  be  overcome  by  my  passion,  and  with  great 
eagerness  seized  the  occasion,  when  I  understood  the 
amiable  Nanette  was  to  be  my  bedfellow.  In  vain 
did  my  reason  suggest  the  respect  that  I  owed  to  my 
dear  mistress  Narcissa ;  the  idea  of  that  lovely 
charmer  rather  increased  than  allayed  the  ferment 
of  my  spirits ;  and  the  young  paysanne  had  no  reason 
to  complain  of  my  remembrance.  Early  in  the 
morning,  the  kind  creatures  left  us  to  our  repose, 
which  lasted  till  eight  o'clock,  when  we  got  up,  and 
[206] 


THE    CAPUCHIN'S    AMOURS 

were  treated  at  breakfast  with  chocolate  and  Teau  de 
vie,  by  our  paramours,  of  whom  we  took  a  tender 
leave,  after  my  companion  had  confessed  and  given 
them  absolution. 

While  we  proceeded  on  our  journey,  the  conver- 
sation turned  upon  the  night's  adventure,  being 
introduced  by  the  capuchin,  who  asked  me  how  I 
liked  my  lodging :  I  declared  my  satisfaction,  and 
talked  in  rapture  of  the  agreeable  Nanette;  at 
which  he  shook  his  head,  and  smiling,  said,  she 
was  a  morceau  pour  la  bonne  bouehe.  "  I  never  valued 
myself,"  continued  he,  "  upon  anything  so  much  as 
the  conquest  of  Nanette ;  and,  vanity  apart,  I  have 
been  pretty  fortunate  in  my  amours.11  This  informa- 
tion shocked  me  not  a  little,  as  I  was  well  convinced 
of  his  intimacy  with  her  sister ;  and  though  I  did  not 
care  to  tax  him  with  downright  incest,  I  professed 
my  astonishment  at  his  last  nights  choice,  when,  I 
supposed,  the  other  was  at  his  devotion.  To  this 
hint,  he  answered,  that,  besides  his  natural  complai- 
sance to  the  sex,  he  had  another  reason  to  distribute 
his  favours  equally  between  them,  namely,  to  pre- 
serve peace  in  the  family,  which  could  not  otherwise 
be  maintained;  that,  moreover,  Nanette  had  con- 
ceived an  affection  for  me,  and  he  loved  her  too  well 
to  balk  her  inclination ;  more  especially  when  he  had 
an  opportunity  of  obliging  his  friend  at  the  same 
time.  I  thanked  him  for  this  instance  of  his  friend- 
ship, though  I  was  extremely  disgusted  at  his  want 
of  delicacy,  and  cursed  the  occasion  that  threw  me 
in  his  way.  Libertine  as  I  was,  I  could  not  bear 
to  see  a  man  behave  so  wide  of  the  character  he 
[207] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

assumed :  I  looked  upon  him  as  a  person  of  very 
little  worth  or  honesty,  and  should  have  even  kept 
a  wary  eye  upon  my  pocket,  if  I  had  thought  he 
could  have  any  temptation  to  steal.  But  I  could 
not  conceive  the  use  of  money  to  a  capuchin,  who 
is  obliged,  by  the  rules  of  his  order,  to  appear 
like  a  beggar,  and  enjoys  all  other  necessaries  of  life 
gratis ;  besides,  my  fellow-traveller  seemed  to  be  of  a 
complexion  too  careless  and  sanguine  to  give  me  any 
apprehension  on  that  score ;  so  that  I  proceeded  with 
great  confidence,  in  expectation  of  being  soon  at  my 
journey's  end. 


[208] 


CHAPTER    FORTY-THREE 

WE     LODGE    AT    A    HOUSE    NEAR    AMIENS,    WHERE    I    AM 
ROBBED    BY    THE    CAPUCHIN,    WHO    ESCAPES    WHILE 

I    AM    ASLEEP 1    GO    TO    NOYONS    IN    SEARCH    OF 

HIM,    BUT    WITHOUT     SUCCESS MAKE     MY     CONDI- 
TION   KNOWN     TO     SEVERAL    PEOPLE,    BUT    FIND     NO 

RELIEF GROW   DESPERATE JOIN  A  COMPANY  OF 

SOLDIERS ENLIST    IN    THE    REGIMENT  OF  PICARDY 

WE   ARE  ORDERED  INTO  GERMANY 1   FIND  THE 

FATIGUES    OF    THE    MARCH  ALMOST  INTOLERABLE 

QUARREL   WITH   MY  COMRADE    IN    A    DISPUTE    ABOUT 

POLITICS HE     CHALLENGES     ME     TO     THE     FIELD, 

WOUNDS    AND    DISARMS    ME. 


^     •     "^HE   third   night   of  our   pilgrimage  we 
passed  at  a  house  near  Amiens,  where 
Balthazar    being   unknown,    we   supped 
M .         upon   indifferent   fare,    and    sour   wine, 
and  were  fain  to  lie  in  a  garret,  upon  an  old  mat- 
tress, which,  I  believe,  had  been  in  the  possession  of 
ten  thousand  myriads  of  fleas,  time  out  of  mind. 
We  did  not  invade  their  territory  with  impunity : 
in  less  than  a  minute  we  were  attacked  by  stings 
innumerable ;   in  spite  of  which,  however,  we   fell 
fast  asleep,  being  excessively  fatigued  with  our  day's 
march,  and  did  not  wake  till  nine  next  morning,  when 
seeing  myself  alone,  I  started  up  in  a  terrible  fright, 
and  examining  my  pockets,  found  my  presaging  fear 

VOL.  II.  — 14  [209] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

too  true !  My  companion  had  made  free  with  my 
cash,  and  left  me  to  seek  my  way  to  Paris  by  myself ! 
I  ran  downstairs  immediately ;  and  with  a  look  full 
of  grief  and  amazement,  inquired  for  the  mendicant, 
who,  they  gave  me  to  understand,  had  set  out  four 
hours  before,  after  having  told  them,  I  was  a  little 
indisposed,  and  desired  I  might  not  be  disturbed, 
but  be  informed  when  I  should  awake  that  he  had 
taken  the  road  to  Noyon[s],  where  he  would  wait  for 
my  coming  at  the  Coq  d'Or.  I  spoke  not  a  word, 
but  with  a  heavy  heart  directed  my  course  to  that 
place,  at  which  I  arrived  in  the  afternoon,  fainting 
with  weariness  and  hunger ;  but  learned,  to  my  utter 
confusion,  that  no  such  person  had  been  there !  It 
was  happy  for  me  that  I  had  a  good  deal  of  resent- 
ment in  my  constitution,  which  animated  me  on  such 
occasions  against  the  villany  of  mankind,  and  enabled 
me  to  bear  misfortunes  otherwise  intolerable.  Boil- 
ing with  indignation,  I  discovered  to  the  host  my 
deplorable  condition,  and  inveighed  with  great  bit- 
terness against  the  treachery  of  Balthazar ;  at  which 
he  shrugged  up  his  shoulders,  and,  with  a  peculiar 
grimace  in  his  countenance,  said,  he  was  sorry  for 
my  misfortune ;  but  there  was  no  remedy  like 
patience.  At  that  instant  some  guests  arrived, 
to  whom  he  hastened  to  offer  his  service,  leaving 
me  mortified  at  his  indifference,  and  fully  persuaded 
that  an  innkeeper  is  the  same  sordid  animal  all  the 
world  over.  While  I  stood  in  the  porch,  forlorn 
and  undetermined,  venting  ejaculations  of  curses 
against  the  thief  who  robbed  me,  and  the  old 
priest  who  recommended  him  to  my  friendship,  a 
[210] 


I    GROW    DESPERATE 

young  gentleman  richly  dressed,  attended  by  a  valet 
de  chambre  and  two  servants  in  livery,  arrived  at  the 
inn.  I  thought  I  perceived  a  great  deal  of  sweetness 
and  good-nature  in  his  countenance ;  therefore  he 
had  no  sooner  alighted  than  I  accosted  him,  and,  in 
a  few  words,  explained  my  situation :  he  listened 
with  great  politeness,  and,  when  I  had  made  an  end 
of  my  story,  said,  "  Well,  Monsieur,  what  would  you 
have  me  to  do  ? "  I  was  effectually  abashed  at  this 
interrogation,  which  I  believe  no  man  of  common 
sense  or  generosity  could  make,  and  made  no  other 
reply  than  a  low  bow  :  he  returned  the  compliment 
still  lower,  and  tript  into  an  apartment,  while  the 
landlord  let  me  know,  that  my  standing  there  to 
interrupt  company  gave  offence,  and  might  do  him 
infinite  prejudice.  He  had  no  occasion  to  repeat  .his 
insinuation ;  I  moved  from  the  place  immediately ; 
and  was  so  much  transported  with  grief,  anger,  and 
disdain,  that  a  torrent  of  blood  gushed  from  my 
nostrils.  In  this  ecstasy  I  quitted  Noyon[s],  and 
betook  myself  to  the  fields,  where  I  wandered  about 
like  one  distracted,  till  my  spirits  were  quite 
exhausted,  and  I  was  obliged  to  throw  myself 
down  at  the  root  of  a  tree,  to  rest  my  wearied 
limbs.  Here  my  rage  forsook  me ;  I  began  to  feel 
the  importunate  cravings  of  nature,  and  relapsed 
into  silent  sorrow,  and  melancholy  reflection.  I 
revolved  all  the  crimes  I  had  been  guilty  of,  and 
found  them  so  few  and  venial,  that  I  could  not  com- 
prehend the  justice  of  that  Providence,  which,  after 
having  exposed  me  to  so  much  wretchedness  and 
danger,  left  me  a  prey  to  famine  at  last  in  a  foreign 
[211] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

country,  where  I  had  not  one  friend  or  acquaintance 
to  close  my  eyes,  and  do  the  last  offices  of  humanity 
to  my  miserable  carcase.  A  thousand  times  I  wished 
myself  a  bear,  that  I  might  retreat  to  woods  and 
deserts,  far  from  the  hospitable  haunts  of  man, 
where  I  could  live  by  my  own  talents,  independent 
of  treacherous  friends,  and  supercilious  scorn. 

As  I  lay  in  this  manner  groaning  over  my  hapless 
fate,  I  heard  the  sound  of  a  violin,  and  raising  my 
head,  perceived  a  company  of  men  and  women  danc- 
ing on  the  grass  at  some  distance  from  me.  I  looked 
upon  this  to  be  a  favourable  season  for  distress  to  at- 
tract compassion,  when  every  selfish  thought  is  ban- 
ished, and  the  heart  dilated  with  mirth  and  social 
joy ;  wherefore  I  got  up  and  approached  this  happy 
people,  whom  I  soon  discovered  to  be  a  party  of  sol- 
diers, with  their  wives  and  children,  unbending  and 
diverting  themselves  at  this  rate,  after  the  fatigue  of 
a  march.  I  had  never  before  seen  such  a  parcel  of 
scare-crows  together,  neither  could  I  reconcile  their 
meagre  gaunt  looks,  their  squalid  and  ragged  attire, 
and  every  other  external  symptom  of  extreme  woe, 
with  this  appearance  of  festivity.  I  saluted  them, 
however,  and  was  received  with  great  politeness ; 
after  which  they  formed  a  ring,  and  danced  around 
me.  This  jollity  had  a  wonderful  effect  upon  my 
spirits !  I  was  infected  with  their  gaiety,  and,  in 
spite  of  my  dismal  situation,  forgot  my  cares,  and 
joined  in  their  extravagance.  When  we  had  recre- 
ated ourselves  a  good  while  at  this  diversion,  the 
ladies  spread  their  manteaus  on  the  ground,  upon 
which  they  emptied  their  knapsacks  of  some  onions, 
•  [  212  ] 


ENLISTS    IN    THE    FRENCH    ARMY 

coarse  bread,  and  a  few  flasks  of  poor  wine.  Being 
invited  to  a  share  of  the  banquet,  I  sat  down  with 
the  rest,  and  in  the  whole  course  of  my  life  never 
made  a  more  comfortable  meal.  When  our  repast 
was  ended,  we  got  up  again  to  dance ;  and  now  that 
I  found  myself  refreshed,  I  behaved  to  the  admiration 
of  everybody.  I  was  loaded  with  a  thousand  compli- 
ments, and  professions  of  friendship ;  the  men  com- 
mended my  person  and  agility,  and  the  women  were 
loud  in  praise  of  my  bonne  grace ;  the  serjeant  in 
particular  expressed  so  much  regard  for  me,  and  de- 
scribed the  pleasures  of  a  soldier's  life  with  so  much 
art,  that  I  began  to  listen  to  his  proposal  of  enlisting 
me  in  the  service ;  and  the  more  I  considered  my  own 
condition,  the  more  I  was  convinced  of  the  necessity 
I  was  under  to  come  to  a  speedy  determination. 
Having,  therefore,  maturely  weighed  the  circum- 
stances pro  and  con,  I  signified  my  consent,  and  was 
admitted  into  the  regiment  of  Picardy,  said  to  be 
the  oldest  corps  in  Europe.  The  company  to  which 
this  command  belonged  was  quartered  at  a  village 
not  far  off,  whither  we  marched  next  day,  and  I  was 
presented  to  my  captain,  who  seemed  very  well  pleased 
with  my  appearance,  gave  me  a  crown  to  drink,  and 
ordered  me  to  be  accommodated  with  clothes,  arms, 
and  accoutrements.  Then  I  sold  my  livery  suit,  pur- 
chased linen,  and,  as  I  was  at  great  pains  to  learn  the 
exercise,  in  a  very  short  time  became  a  complete 
soldier. 

It  was  not  long  before  we  received  orders  to  join 
several  more  regiments,  and  march  with  all  expedi- 
tion into  Germany,  in  order  to  reinforce  Mareschal 
[213] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

Due  de  Noailles,  who  was  then  encamped  with  his 
army  on  the  side  of  the  river  Mayne,  to  watch  the 
motions  of  the  English,  Hanoverians,  Austrians,  and 
Hessians,  under  the  command  of  the  Earl  of  Stair. 
We  began  our  march  accordingly,  and  then  I  became 
acquainted  with  that  part  of  a  soldier's  life  to  which 
I  had  been  hitherto  a  stranger.  It  is  impossible  to 
describe  the  hunger  and  thirst  I  sustained,  and  the 
fatigue  I  underwent,  in  a  march  of  so  many  hundred 
miles ;  during  which  I  was  so  much  chafed  with  the 
heat  and  motion  of  my  limbs,  that  in  a  very  short 
time  the  inside  of  my  thighs  and  legs  was  deprived 
of  skin,  and  I  proceeded  in  the  utmost  torture.  This 
misfortune  I  owed  to  the  plumpness  of  my  constitu- 
tion, which  I  cursed,  and  envied  the  withered  condi- 
tion of  my  comrades,  whose  bodies  could  not  spare  juice 
enough  to  supply  a  common  issue,  and  were  indeed 
proof  against  all  manner  of  friction.  The  continual 
pain  I  felt  made  me  fretful,  and  my  peevishness  was 
increased  by  the  mortification  of  my  pride  in  seeing 
those  miserable  wretches,  whom  a  hard  gale  of  wind 
would  have  scattered  through  the  air  like  chaff,  bear 
those  toils  with  alacrity,  under  which  I  was  ready  to 
sink. 

One  day,  while  we  enjoyed  a  halt,  and  the  soldiers 
with  their  wives  had  gone  out  to  dance,  according  to 
custom,  my  comrade  stayed  at  home  with  me  on 
pretence  of  friendship,  and  insulted  me  with  his  pity 
and  consolation  !  He  told  me,  though  I  was  young 
and  tender  at  present,  I  would  soon  be  seasoned  to 
the  service ;  and  he  did  not  doubt  but  I  should  have 
the  honour  to  contribute  in  some  measure  to  the 
[214] 


MILITARY    POLITICS 

glory  of  the  King.  "Have  courage,  therefore,  my 
child,"  said  he,  "and  pray  to  the  good  God,  that 
you  may  be  as  happy  as  I  am,  who  have  had  the 
honour  of  serving  Lewis  the  Great,  and  of  receiving 
many  wounds  in  helping  to  establish  his  glory." 
When  I  looked  upon  the  contemptible  object  that 
pronounced  these  words,  I  was  amazed  at  the  infatu- 
ation that  possessed  him ;  and  could  not  help  ex- 
pressing my  astonishment  at  the  absurdity  of  a 
rational  being,  who  thinks  himself  highly  honoured 
in  being  permitted  to  encounter  abject  poverty,  op- 
pression, famine,  disease,  mutilation,  and  evident 
death,  merely  to  gratify  the  vicious  ambition  of  a 
prince,  by  whom  his  sufferings  were  disregarded,  and 
his  name  utterly  unknown.  I  observed  that,  if  his  sit- 
uation was  the  consequence  of  compulsion,  I  would 
praise  his  patience  and  fortitude  in  bearing  his  lot ; 
if  he  had  taken  up  arms  in  defence  of  his  injured 
country,  he  was  to  be  applauded  for  his  patriotism  ; 
or,  if  he  had  fled  to  this  way  of  life  as  a  refuge  from 
a  greater  evil,  he  was  justifiable  in  his  own  conscience, 
though  I  could  have  no  notion  of  misery  more  ex- 
treme than  that  he  suffered ;  but  to  put  his  condition 
on  the  footing  of  conducing  to  the  glory  of  his  prince, 
was  no  more  than  professing  himself  a  desperate 
slave,  who  voluntarily  underwent  the  utmost  wretch- 
edness and  peril,  and  committed  the  most  flagrant 
crimes,  to  soothe  the  barbarous  pride  of  a  fellow- 
creature,  his  superior  in  nothing  but  the  power  he 
derived  from  the  submission  of  such  wretches  as  him. 
The  soldier  was  very  much  affronted  at  the  liberty  I 
took  with  his  King,  which  he  said  nothing  but 
[215] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

my  ignorance  could  excuse.  He  affirmed,  that  the 
characters  of  princes  were  sacred,  and  ought  not 
to  be  profaned  by  the  censure  of  their  subjects,  who 
were  bound  by  their  allegiance  to  obey  their  com- 
mands, of  what  nature  soever,  without  scruple  or 
repining ;  and  advised  me  to  correct  the  rebellious 
principles  I  had  imbibed  among  the  English,  who, 
for  their  insolence  to  their  Kings,  were  notorious  all 
over  the  world,  even  to  a  proverb. 

In  vindication  of  my  countrymen,  I  repeated  all 
the  arguments  commonly  used  to  prove  that  every 
man  has  a  natural  right  to  liberty  ;  that  allegiance 
and  protection  are  reciprocal ;  that,  when  the  mutual 
tie  is  broken  by  the  tyranny  of  the  King,  he  is  ac- 
countable to  the  people  for  his  breach  of  contract, 
and  subject  to  the  penalty  of  the  law ;  and  that 
those  insurrections  of  the  English,  which  are  branded 
with  the  name  of  rebellion  by  the  slaves  of  arbitrary 
power,  were  no  other  than  glorious  efforts  to  rescue 
that  independence  which  was  their  birthright,  from 
the  ravenous  claws  of  usurping  ambition.  The 
Frenchman,  provoked  at  the  little  deference  I  paid 
to  the  kingly  name,  lost  all  patience,  and  reproached 
me  in  such  a  manner  that  my  temper  forsook  me, 
and  I  clenched  my  fist,  with  an  intention  to  give 
him  a  hearty  box  on  the  ear.  Perceiving  my  design, 
he  started  back,  and  demanded  a  parley ;  upon  which 
I  checked  my  indignation,  and  he  gave  me  to  under- 
stand that  a  Frenchman  never  forgave  a  blow ;  there- 
fore, if  I  was  not  weary  of  my  life,  I  would  do  well 
to  spare  him  that  mortification,  and  do  him  the 
honour  of  measuring  my  sword  with  his,  like  a 
[216] 


THE    GASCON'S    TRIUMPH 

gentleman.  I  took  his  advice,  and  followed  him 
to  a  field  hard  by,  where  indeed  I  was  ashamed  at 
the  pitiful  figure  of  my  antagonist,  who  was  a  poor, 
little,  shivering  creature,  decrepit  with  age,  and 
blind  of  one  eye.  But  I  soon  found  the  folly  of 
judging  from  appearances,  being  at  the  second  pass 
wounded  in  the  sword  hand,  and  immediately  dis- 
armed with  a  jerk,  that  I  thought  the  joint  was  dis- 
located. I  was  no  less  confounded  than  enraged  at 
this  event,  especially  as  my  adversary  did  not  bear 
his  success  with  all  the  moderation  that  might  have 
been  expected ;  for  he  insisted  upon  my  asking  par- 
don for  affronting  his  King  and  him.  This  proposal 
I  would  by  no  means  comply  with,  but  told  him  it 
was  a  mean  condescension,  which  no  gentleman  in  his 
circumstances  ought  to  propose,  or  any  in  my  situa- 
tion ought  to  perform  ;  and  that,  if  he  persisted  in 
his  ungenerous  demand,  I  would  in  my  turn  claim 
satisfaction  with  my  musket,  when  we  should  be  more 
upon  a  par  than  with  the  sword,  of  which  he  seemed 
so  much  master. 


[217] 


CHAPTER     FORTY-FOUR 

IN    ORDER   TO    BE    REVENGED,  I   LEARN   THE    SCIENCE    OI 

DEFENCE WE     JOIN     THE     MARESCHAL      DUG      DE 

NOAILLES ARE     ENGAGED    WITH    THE    ALLIES    At 

DETTINGEN,  AND  PUT  TO   FLIGHT THE  BEHAVIOU1 

OF   THE    FRENCH    SOLDIERS    ON    THAT  OCCASION > 

INDUSTRIOUSLY    SEEK    ANOTHER    COMBAT   WITH    THE 

OLD  GASCON,  AND  VANQUISH  HIM  IN  MY  TURN GUI 

REGIMENT  IS  PUT  INTO  WINTER  QUARTERS  AT  RHEIMS, 

WHERE  I  FIND  MY  FRIEND  STRAP OUR  RECOGNITION 

HE  SUPPLIES  ME  WITH  MONEY,  AND  PROCURES  MY 

DISCHARGE WE    TAKE    A    TRIP    TO     PARIS  ;     FROM 

WHENCE,  BY   THE    WAY   OF   FLANDERS,  WE    SET   OUT 
FOR  LONDON,  WHERE  WE  SAFELY  ARRIVE. 


H 


E  was  disconcerted  at  this  declaration, 
to  Avhich  he  made  no  reply,  but  repaired 
to  the  dancers,  among  whom  he  re- 
counted his  victory,  with  many  exag- 
gerations and  gasconades ;  while  I,  taking  up  my 
sword,  went  to  my  quarters,  and  examined  my 
wound,  which  I  found  was  of  no  consequence.  The 
same  day,  an  Irish  drummer,  having  heard  of  my  mis- 
fortune, visited  me,  and,  after  having  condoled  me  on 
the  chance  of  war,  gave  me  to  understand,  that  he  was 
master  of  the  sword,  and  would,  in  a  very  short  time, 
instruct  me  so  thoroughly  in  that  noble  science,  that  I 
should  be  able  to  chastise  the  old  Gascon  for  his  in- 
solent boasting  at  my  expense.  This  friendly  office 
[218  J 


BATTLE    OF    DETTINGEN 

he  proffered,  on  pretence  of  the  regard  he  had  for  his 
countrymen ;  but  I  afterwards  learned,  the  true  mo- 
tive was  no  other  than  a  jealousy  he  entertained  of  a 
correspondence  between  the  Frenchman  and  his  wife, 
which  he  did  not  think  proper  to  resent  in  person. 
Be  this  as  it  will,  I  accepted  his  offer,  and  practised 
his  lessons  with  such  application,  that  I  soon  believed 
myself  a  match  for  my  conqueror.  In  the  meantime, 
we  continued  our  march,  and  arrived  at  the  camp  of 
Mareschal  Noailles,  the  night  before  the  battle  of 
Dettingen.  Notwithstanding  the  fatigue  we  had 
undergone,  our  regiment  was  one  of  those  that  were 
ordered  next  day  to  cross  the  river,  under  the  com- 
mand of  the  Due  de  Gramont,  to  take  possession  of 
a  narrow  defile,  through  which  the  Allies  must  of 
necessity  have  passed  at  a  great  disadvantage,  or  re- 
main where  they  were,  and  perish  for  want  of  provi- 
sion, if  they  would  not  condescend  to  surrender  at 
discretion.  How  they  suffered  themselves  to  be  pent 
up  in  this  manner,  it  is  not  my  province  to  relate ; 
I  shall  only  observe,  that,  when  we  had  taken  posses- 
sion of  our  ground,  I  heard  an  old  officer,  in  conver- 
sation with  another,  express  a  surprise  at  the  conduct 
of  Lord  Stair,  who  had  the  reputation  of  a  good 
general.  But  it  seems,  at  this  time,  that  nobleman 
was  overruled,  and  only  acted  in  an  inferior  charac- 
ter ;  so  that  no  part  of  the  blame  could  be  imputed 
to  him,  who  declared  his  disapprobation  of  the  step, 
in  consequence  of  which  the  whole  army  was  in  the 
utmost  danger;  but  Providence  or  Destiny  acted 
miracles  in  their  behalf,  by  disposing  the  Due  de 
Gramont  to  quit  his  advantageous  post,  pass  the 
[219] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

defile  and  attack  the  English,  who  were  drawn  up  in 
order  of  battle  on  the  plain,  and  who  handled  us  so 
roughly,  that,  after  having  lost  a  great  number  of  our 
men,  we  turned  our  backs  without  ceremony,  and  fled 
with  such  precipitation,  that  many  hundreds  perished 
in  the  river,  through  pure  fear  and  confusion ;  for  the 
enemy  was  so  generous,  that  they  did  not  pursue  us 
one  inch  of  ground ;  and  if  our  consternation  would 
have  permitted,  we  might  have  retreated  with  great 
order  and  deliberation.  But,  notwithstanding  the 
royal  clemency  of  the  King  of  Great  Britain,  who 
headed  the  Allies  in  person,  and,  no  doubt,  put  a  stop 
to  the  carnage,  our  loss  amounted  to  5000  men,  among 
whom  were  many  officers  of  distinction.  Our  miscar- 
riage opened  a  passage  for  the  foe  to  Hanau,  whither 
they  immediately  marched,  leaving  their  sick  and 
wounded  in  the  care  of  the  French,  who  next  day 
took  possession  of  the  field  of  battle,  buried  the  dead, 
and  treated  the  living  with  humanity.  This  circum- 
stance was  a  great  consolation  to  us,  who  thence  took 
occasion  to  claim  the  victory ;  and  the  genius  of  the 
French  nation  never  appeared  more  conspicuous  than 
now,  in  the  rodomontades  they  uttered  on  the  subject 
of  their  generosity  and  courage.  Every  man,  by  his 
own  account,  performed  feats  that  eclipsed  all  the 
heroes  of  antiquity.  One  compared  himself  to  a  lion 
retiring  at  leisure  from  his  cowardly  pursuers,  who 
keep  at  a  wary  distance,  and  gall  him  with  their 
darts.  Another  likened  himself  to  a  bear  who  re- 
treats with  his  face  to  the  enemy,  who  dare  not  assail 
him ;  and  the  third  assumed  the  character  of  a  des- 
perate stag,  that  turns  upon  the  hounds  and  keeps 
[220] 


VANQUISHES    THE    GASCON 

them  at  bay.  There  was  not  a  private  soldier  en- 
gaged, who  had  not,  by  the  prowess  of  his  single 
arm,  demolished  a  whole  platoon,  or  put  a  squadron 
of  horse  to  flight ;  and,  among  others,  the  meagre 
Gascon  extolled  his  exploits  above  those  of  Hercules 
or  Charlemagne.  As  I  still  retained  my  resentment 
for  the  disgrace  I  suffered  in  my  last  rencontre  with 
him,  and,  now  that  I  thought  myself  qualified,  longed 
for  an  opportunity  to  retrieve  my  honour,  I  magni- 
fied the  valour  of  the  English  with  all  the  hyperboles 
I  could  imagine,  and  decried  the  pusillanimity  of 
the  French  in  the  same  style,  comparing  them  to 
hares  flying  before  greyhounds,  or  mice  pursued  by 
cats ;  and  passed  an  ironical  compliment  on  the 
speed  he  exerted  in  his  flight,  which,  considering  his 
age  and  infirmities,  I  said  was  surprising.  He  was 
stung  to  the  quick  by  this  sarcasm,  and,  with  an  air 
of  threatening  disdain,  bade  me  know  myself  better, 
and  remember  the  correction  I  had  lately  received 
from  him  for  my  insolence ;  for  he  might  not  always 
be  in  the  humour  of  sparing  a  wretch  who  abused  his 
goodness.  To  this  innuendo  I  made  no  reply,  but  a 
kick  in  the  breech,  which  overturned  him  in  an  in- 
stant. He  started  up  with  wonderful  agility,  and, 
drawing  his  sword,  attacked  me  with  great  fury. 
Several  people  interposed;  but  when  he  informed 
them  of  its  being  an  affair  of  honour,  they  retired, 
and  left  us  to  decide  the  battle  by  ourselves.  I  sus- 
tained his  onset  with  little  damage,  having  only 
received  a  small  scratch  on  my  right  shoulder,  and 
seeing  his  breath  and  vigour  almost  exhausted,  as- 
saulted him  in  my  turn,  closed  with  him,  and  wrested 
[  221  ] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

his  sword  out  of  his  hand  in  the  struggle.  Having 
thus  acquired  the  victory,  I  desired  him  to  beg  his 
life;  to  which  demand  he  made  no  answer,  but 
shrugged  up  his  shoulders  to  his  ears,  expanded  his 
hands,  elevated  the  skin  on  his  forehead  and  eyebrows, 
and  depressed  the  corners  of  his  mouth  in  such  a 
manner,  that  I  could  scarce  refrain  from  laughing 
aloud  at  his  grotesque  appearance.  That  I  might, 
however,  mortify  his  vanity,  which  triumphed  without 
bounds  over  my  misfortune,  I  thrust  his  sword  up  to 
the  hilt  in  something  (it  was  not  a  tansy)  that  lay 
smoking  on  the  plain,  and  joined  the  rest  of  the 
soldiers  with  an  air  of  tranquillity  and  indifference. 

There  was  nothing  more  of  moment  attempted  by 
either  of  the  armies  during  the  remaining  part  of  the 
campaign,  which  being  ended,  the  English  marched 
back  to  the  Netherlands ;  part  of  our  army  was  de- 
tached to  French  Flanders,  and  our  regiment  ordered 
into  winter  quarters  in  Champagne.  It  was  the  fate 
of  the  grenadier  company,  to  which  I  now  belonged, 
to  lie  at  Rheims,  where  I  found  myself  in  the  utmost 
want  of  everything ;  my  pay,  which  amounted  to  five 
sols  a  day,  far  from  supplying  me  with  necessaries, 
being  scarce  sufficient  to  procure  a  wretched  subsist- 
ence, to  keep  soul  and  body  together ;  so  that  I  was, 
by  hunger  and  hard  duty,  brought  down  to  the  meagre 
condition  of  my  fellow-soldiers,  and  my  linen  reduced 
from  three  tolerable  shirts  to  two  pair  of  sleeves  and 
necks,  the  bodies  having  been  long  ago  converted  into 
spatterdashes  ;  and  after  all,  I  was  better  provided 
than  any  private  man  in  the  regiment.  In  this  ur- 
gency of  my  affairs,  I  wrote  to  my  uncle  in  England, 


MEETS    AN    OLD    FRIEND 

though  my  hopes  from  that  quarter  were  not  at  all 
sanguine,  for  the  reasons  I  have  already  explained ; 
and,  in  the  meantime,  had  recourse  to  my  old  remedy, 
patience,  consoling  myself  with  the  flattering  sug- 
gestions of  a  lively  imagination,  that  never  aban- 
doned me  in  distress. 

One  day,  while  I  stood  sentinel  at  the  gate  of  a 
general  officer,  a  certain  nobleman  came  to  the  door 
followed  by  a  gentleman  in  mourning,  to  whom,  at 
parting,  I  heard  him  saying, "  You  may  depend  upon 
my  good  offices."  This  assurance  was  answered  by  a 
low  bow  of  the  person  in  black,  who,  turning  to  go 
away,  discovered  to  me  the  individual  countenance 
of  my  old  friend  and  adherent  Strap.  I  was  so 
much  astonished  at  the  sight,  that  I  lost  the  power 
of  utterance,  and  before  I  could  recollect  myself,  he 
was  gone  without  taking  any  notice  of  me.  Indeed, 
had  he  stayed,  I  scarcely  should  have  ventured  to 
accost  him;  because,  though  I  was  perfectly  well 
acquainted  with  the  features  of  his  face,  I  could  not 
be  positively  certain  as  to  the  rest  of  his  person, 
which  was  very  much  altered  for  the  better  since  he 
left  me  at  London ;  neither  could  I  perceive  by  what 
means  he  was  enabled  to  appear  in  the  sphere  of  a 
gentleman,  to  which,  while  I  knew  him,  he  had  not 
even  the  ambition  to  aspire.  But  I  was  too  much 
concerned  in  the  affair  to  neglect  further  informa- 
tion, and  therefore  took  the  first  opportunity  of 
asking  the  porter  if  he  knew  the  gentleman  to  whom 
the  marquis  spoke.  The  Swiss  told  me,  his  name 
was  Monsieur  d'Estrapes ;  that  he  had  been  valet  de 
chambre  to  an  English  gentleman  lately  deceased; 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

and  that  he  was  very  much  regarded  by  the  marquis 
for  his  fidelity  to  his  master,  between  whom  and  that 
nobleman  a  very  intimate  friendship  had  subsisted. 
Nothing  could  be  more  agreeable  to  me  than  this 
piece  of  intelligence,  which  banished  all  doubt  of  it 
being  my  friend,  who  had  found  means  to  frenchify 
his  name  as  well  as  his  behaviour  since  we  parted. 
As  soon,  therefore,  as  I  was  relieved,  I  went  to  his 
lodging,  according  to  a  direction  given  me  by  the 
Swiss,  and  had  the  good  fortune  to  find  him  at 
home.  That  I  might  surprise  him  the  more,  I  con- 
cealed my  name  and  business,  and  only  desired  the 
servant  of  the  house  to  tell  Monsieur  d'Estrapes, 
that  I  begged  the  honour  of  half  an  hour's  conversa- 
tion with  him.  He  was  confounded  and  dismayed  at 
the  message,  when  he  understood  it  was  sent  by  a 
soldier.  Though  he  was  conscious  to  himself  of  no 
crime,  all  that  he  had  heard  of  the  Bastille  appeared 
to  his  imagination  with  aggravated  horror,  and  it 
was  not  before  I  had  waited  a  considerable  time, 
that  he  had  resolution  enough  to  bid  the  servant 
show  me  upstairs. 

When  I  entered  his  chamber,  he  returned  my  bow 
with  great  civility,  and  endeavoured,  with  forced 
complaisance,  to  disguise  his  fear,  which  appeared 
in  the  paleness  of  his  face,  the  wildness  of  his  looks, 
and  the  shaking  of  his  limbs.  I  was  diverted  at  his 
consternation,  which  redoubled,  when  I  told  him  in 
French,  I  had  business  for  his  private  ear,  and 
demanded  a  particular  audience.  The  valet  being 
withdrawn,  I  asked  in  the  same  language,  if  his 
name  was  d'Estrapes  ?  to  which  he  answered,  with  a 
[224] 


VISIT    TO    MONSIEUR    D'ESTRAPES 

faltering  tongue,  "  The  same,  at  your  service."  "  Are 
you  a  Frenchman  ?  "  said  I.  "  I  have  not  the  honour 
of  being  a  Frenchman  born,"  replied  he,  "but  I 
have  an  infinite  veneration  for  the  country."  I  then 
desired  he  would  do  me  the  honour  to  look  at  me ; 
which  he  no  sooner  did,  than,  struck  with  my  appear- 
ance, he  started  back,  and  cried  in  English,  "O 
Jesus !  sure  it  can't !  No,  't  is  impossible ! "  I  smiled 
at  his  interjections,  saying,  "  I  suppose  you  are  too 
much  of  a  gentleman  to  own  your  friend  in  adver- 
sity." When  he  heard  me  pronounce  these  words  in 
our  own  language,  he  leaped  upon  me  in  a  transport 
of  joy,  hung  about  my  neck,  kissed  me  from  ear  to 
ear,  and  blubbered  like  a  great  schoolboy  who  had 
been  whipt.  —  Then  observing  my  dress,  he  set  up 
his  throat  crying,  "  O  Lord  !  O  Lord  !  that  ever  I 
should  live  to  see  my  dearest  friend  reduced  to  the 
condition  of  a  foot  soldier  in  the  French  service ! 
Why  did  you  consent  to  my  leaving  you  ?  —  But  I 
know  the  reason  —  you  thought  you  had  got  more 
creditable  friends,  and  grew  ashamed  of  my  acquaint- 
ance. —  Ah !  Lord  help  us !  though  I  was  a  little 
short-sighted,  I  was  not  altogether  blind.  And 
though  I  did  not  complain,  I  was  not  the  less  sen- 
sible of  your  unkindness,  which  was  indeed  the  only 
thing  that  induced  me  to  ramble  abroad,  the  Lord 
knows  whither ;  but  I  must  own  it  has  been  a  lucky 
ramble  for  me,  and  so  I  forgive  you,  and  may  God 
forgive  you  ;  —  O  Lord !  O  Lord !  is  it  come  to 
this  ?  "  I  was  nettled  at  the  charge,  which,  though 
just,  I  could  not  help  thinking  unseasonable,  and 
told  him  with  some  tartness,  that,  whether  his  sus- 

TOL.  II.  —  15  [   225   ] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

picions  were  well  or  ill  grounded,  he  might  have 
chosen  a  more  convenient  opportunity  of  introduc- 
ing them ;  and  that  the  question  now  was,  whether 
or  no  he  found  himself  disposed  to  lend  me  any 
assistance.  "  Disposed  !  "  replied  he  with  great  emo- 
tion, "  I  thought  you  had  known  me  so  well,  as  to 
assure  yourself,  without  asking,  that  I  and  all  that 
belongs  to  me  are  at  your  command.  In  the  mean- 
time, you  shall  dine  with  me,  and  I  will  tell  you 
something  that,  perhaps,  will  not  be  displeasing  unto 
you.""  Then  wringing  my  hand,  he  said,  "  It  makes 
my  heart  bleed  to  see  you  in  that  garb  !  "  I  thanked 
him  for  his  invitation,  which,  I  observed,  could  not 
be  unwelcome  to  a  person  who  had  not  eaten  a 
comfortable  meal  these  seven  months.  But  I  had 
another  request  to  make,  which  I  begged  he  would 
grant  before  dinner,  and  that  was  the  loan  of  a 
shirt ;  for  although  my  back  had  been  many  weeks 
a  stranger  to  any  comfort  of  that  kind,  my  skin  was 
not  yet  familiarised  to  the  want  of  it.  He  stared  in 
my  face,  with  a  woeful  countenance,  at  this  declara- 
tion, which  he  could  scarce  believe,  until  I  explained 
it,  by  unbuttoning  my  coat,  and  disclosing  my  naked 
body ;  a  circumstance  that  shocked  the  tender- 
hearted Strap,  who,  with  tears  in  his  eyes,  ran 
to  a  chest  of  drawers,  and,  taking  out  some  linen, 
presented  to  me  a  very  fine  ruffled  Holland  shirt,  and 
cambric  neckcloth,  assuring  me,  he  had  three  dozen 
of  the  same  kind  at  my  service.  I  was  ravished  at 
this  piece  of  good  news,  and  having  accommodated 
myself  in  a  moment,  hugged  my  benefactor  for  his 
generous  offer,  saying,  I  was  overjoyed  to  find  him 


STRAP'S    PEREGRINATION 

undebauched  by  prosperity,  which  seldom  fails  to 
corrupt  the  heart.  He  bespoke  for  dinner  some  soup 
and  bouille,  a  couple  of  pullets  roasted,  and  a  dish 
of  asparagus,  and  in  the  interim  entertained  me 
with  biscuit  and  Burgundy ;  after  which  repast,  he 
entreated  me  to  gratify  his  longing  desire  of  know- 
ing every  circumstance  of  my  fortune  since  his 
departure  from  London.  This  request  I  complied 
with,  beginning  at  the  adventure  of  Gawky,  and 
relating  every  particular  event  in  which  I  had  been 
concerned  from  that  day  to  the  present  hour.  Dur- 
ing the  recital,  my  friend  was  strongly  affected, 
according  to  the  various  situations  described.  He 
started  with  surprise,  glowed  with  indignation, 
gaped  with  curiosity,  smiled  with  pleasure,  trembled 
with  fear,  and  wept  with  sorrow,  as  the  vicissitudes 
of  my  life  inspired  these  different  passions;  and, 
when  my  story  was  ended,  signified  his  amazement 
on  the  whole,  by  lifting  up  his  eyes  and  hands,  and 
protesting,  that  though  I  was  a  young  man,  I  had 
suffered  more  than  all  the  blessed  martyrs. 

After  dinner,  I  desired  in  my  turn  to  know  the 
particulars  of  his  peregrination,  and  he  satisfied  me 
in  a  few  words,  by  giving  me  to  understand  that  he 
had  lived  a  year  at  Paris  with  his  master,  who  in  that 
time  having  acquired  the  language,  as  well  as  the 
fashionable  exercises,  to  perfection,  made  a  tour  of 
France  and  Holland,  during  which  excursion  he  was 
so  unfortunate  as  to  meet  with  three  of  his  own 
countrymen  on  their  travels,  in  whose  company  he 
committed  such  excesses,  that  his  constitution  failed, 
and  he  fell  into  a  consumption  ;  that,  by  the  advice 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

of  physicians,  he  went  to  Montpellier  for  the  benefit 
of  good  air,  and  recovered  so  well  in  six  weeks,  that 
he  returned  to  Rheims,  seemingly  in  good  health, 
where  he  had  not  continued  above  a  month,  when 
he  was  seized  with  a  looseness,  that  carried  him  off 
in  ten  days,  to  the  unspeakable  sorrow  of  all  who 
knew  him,  and  especially  of  Strap,  who  had  been  very 
happy  in  his  service,  and  given  such  satisfaction,  that 
his  master,  on  his  death-bed,  recommended  him  to 
several  persons  of  distinction,  for  his  diligence, 
sobriety,  and  affection,  and  left  him  by  will  his  wear- 
ing apparel,  gold  watch,  sword,  rings,  ready  money, 
and  all  the  movables  he  had  in  France,  to  the  value 
of  three  hundred  pounds,  "  which  I  now,""  said  he, 
"  in  the  sight  of  God  and  man,  surrender  to  your 
absolute  disposal.  Here  are  my  keys,  take  them, 
I  beseech  you,  and  God  give  you  joy  of  the 
possession." 

My  brain  was  almost  turned  by  the  sudden  change 
of  fortune,  which  I  could  scarce  believe  real  ;  however 
I  positively  refused  this  extravagant  offer  of  my 
friend,  and  put  him  in  mind  of  my  being  a  soldier ; 
at  which  hint  he  started,  crying,  "  Odso  !  that 's  true 
—  we  must  procure  your  discharge.  I  have  some 
interest  with  a  nobleman  who  is  able  to  do  me  that 
favour.""  We  consulted  about  this  affair,  and  it  was 
determined,  that  Monsieur  d'Estrapes  should  wait 
upon  the  marquis  in  the  morning,  and  tell  him  he 
had  by  accident  found  his  brother,  whom  he  had  not 
seen  for  many  years  before,  a  private  soldier  in  the 
regiment  of  Picardy,  and  implore  that  nobleman's 
interest  for  his  discharge.  In  the  meantime  we 
[228] 


A    MATRIMONIAL    PROJECT 

enjoyed  ourselves  over  a  bottle  of  good  Burgundy, 
and  spent  the  evening  in  concerting  schemes  for  our 
future  conduct,  in  case  I  should  be  so  lucky  as  to  get 
rid  of  the  army.  The  business  was  to  make  our- 
selves easy  for  life,  by  means  of  his  legacy,  a  task 
very  difficult,  and,  in  the  usual  methods  of  laying  out 
money,  altogether  impracticable  ;  so  that  after  much 
canvassing,  we  could  come  to  no  resolution  that 
night,  but  when  we  parted,  recommended  the  matter 
to  the  serious  attention  of  each  other.  As  for  my 
own  part,  I  puzzled  my  imagination  to  no  purpose. 
When  I  thought  of  turning  merchant,  the  smallness 
of  our  stock,  and  the  risk  of  seas,  enemies,  and 
markets,  deterred  me  from  that  scheme.  If  I  should 
settle  as  a  surgeon  in  my  own  country,  I  would  find  the 
business  already  overstocked ;  or,  if  I  pretended  to  set 
up  in  England,  must  labour  under  want  of  friends,  and 
powerful  opposition,  obstacles  insurmountable  by  the 
most  shining  merit.  Neither  should  I  succeed  in  my 
endeavours  to  rise  in  the  state,  inasmuch  as  I  could 
neither  flatter  nor  pimp  for  courtiers,  nor  prostitute 
my  pen  in  defence  of  a  wicked  and  contemptible 
administration.  Before  I  could  form  any  feasible 
project,  I  fell  asleep,  and  my  fancy  was  blessed  with 
the  image  of  the  dear  Narcissa,  who  seemed  to  smile 
upon  my  passion,  and  offer  her  hand  as  a  reward  for 
all  my  toils. 

Early  in  the  morning,  I  went  to  the  lodgings  of 
my  friend,  whom  I  found  exulting  over  his  happy 
invention ;  for  I  no  sooner  entered  his  apartment, 
than  he  addressed  himself  to  me  in  these  words,  with 
ft  smile  of  self-applause :  "  Well,  Mr.  Random,  a 
[229] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

lucky  thought  may  come  into  a  fool's  head  some- 
times. I  have  hit  it ;  I  '11  hold  you  a  button  my 
plan  is  better  than  yours,  for  all  your  learning.  But 
you  shall  have  the  preference  in  this,  as  in  all  other 
things ;  therefore  proceed,  and  let  us  know  the  effects 
of  your  meditation,  and  then  I  will  impart  my  own 
simple  excogitations.""  I  told  him  that  not  one 
thought  had  occurred  to  me  that  deserved  the  least 
notice,  and  signified  my  impatience  to  be  acquainted 
with  the  fruits  of  his  reflection.  "As  we  have  not," 
said  he,  "  money  sufficient  to  maintain  us  during  a 
tedious  expectation,  it  is  my  opinion  that  a  bold  push 
must  be  made  ;  and  I  see  none  so  likely  to  succeed,  as 
your  appearing  in  the  character  of  a  gentleman, 
(which  is  your  due,)  and  making  your  addresses  to 
some  lady  of  fortune,  who  can  render  you  independent 
at  once.  Nay,  don't  stare ;  I  affirm  that  this  scheme 
is  both  prudent  and  honourable;  for  I  would  not 
have  you  throw  yourself  away  upon  an  old  toothless 
wheezing  dame,  whose  breath  would  stink  you  into  a 
consumption  in  less  than  three  months.  Neither 
would  I  advise  you  to  assume  the  character  of  a 
wealthy  squire,  as  your  common  fortune-hunters  do, 
by  which  means  many  a  poor  lady  is  cheated  into 
matrimony,  and,  instead  of  enjoying  the  pomp  and 
grandeur  that  was  promised,  sees  her  dowry  seized 
by  her  husband's  rapacious  creditors,  and  herself 
reduced  to  misery  and  despair.  No,  I  know  you 
have  a  soul  that  disdains  such  imposition,  and  are 
master  of  qualifications  both  of  mind  and  body, 
which  alone  entitle  you  to  a  match  that  will  set  you 
above  the  world.  I  have  clothes  in  my  possession 
[230] 


A    GENTLEMAN    OF    FIGURE 

that  a  duke  need  not  be  ashamed  to  wear.  I  believe 
they  will  fit  you  as  they  are  ;  if  not,  there  are  plenty 
of  tailors  in  France.  Let  us  take  a  short  trip  to 
Paris,  and  provide  ourselves  with  all  other  necessaries, 
then  set  out  for  England,  where  I  intend  to  do  my- 
self the  honour  of  attending  you  in  quality  of  a 
valet.  This  expedient  will  save  you  the  expense  of 
a  servant,  shaving,  and  dressing;  and  I  doubt  not 
but,  by  the  blessing  of  God,  we  shall  bring  matters 
to  a  speedy  and  fortunate  issue."  Extravagant  as 
this  proposal  was,  I  listened  to  it  with  pleasure, 
because  it  flattered  my  vanity,  and  indulged  a 
ridiculous  hope  I  began  to  entertain  of  inspiring 
Narcissa  with  a  mutual  flame. 

After  breakfast,  Monsieur  d'Estrapes  went  to  pay 
his  devoirs  to  the  marquis,  and  was  so  successful  in  his 
application,  that  I  obtained  a  discharge  in  a  few 
days,  upon  which  we  set  out  for  Paris.  Here  I  had 
time  to  reflect  and  congratulate  myself  upon  this 
sudden  transition  of  fate,  which,  to  bear  with  modera- 
tion, required  some  degree  of  philosophy  and  self- 
denial.  This  truth  will  be  more  obvious,  if  I  give  a 
detail  of  the  particulars,  to  the  quiet  possession  of 
which  I  was  raised  in  an  instant,  from  the  most 
abject  misery  and  contempt.  My  wardrobe  con- 
sisted of  five  fashionable  coats,  full  mounted,  two  of 
which  were  plain,  one  of  cut  velvet,  one  trimmed 
with  gold,  and  another  with  silver  lace ;  two  frocks, 
one  of  white  drab  with  large  plate  buttons,  the  other 
of  blue,  with  gold  binding ;  one  waistcoat  of  gold 
brocade  ;  one  of  blue  satin,  embroidered  with  silver ; 
one  of  green  silk,  trimmed  with  broad  figured  gold 
[881] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

lace  ;  one  of  black  silk,  with  fringes ;  one  of  white 
satin,  one  of  black  cloth,  and  one  of  scarlet ;  six  pair 
of  cloth  breeches,  one  pair  of  crimson,  and  another 
of  black  velvet ;  twelve  pair  of  white  silk  stockings, 
as  many  of  black  silk,  and  the  same  number  of  fine 
cotton ;  one  hat,  laced  with  gold  point  cPEspagne, 
another  with  silver  lace  scolloped,  a  third  with  gold 
binding,  and  a  fourth  plain ;  three  dozen  of  fine 
ruffled  shirts,  as  many  neckcloths ;  one  dozen  of 
cambric  handkerchiefs,  and  the  like  number  of  silk. 
The  other  movables  which  I  possessed,  by  the  gener- 
osity and  friendship  of  Strap,  were  a  gold  watch,  with 
a  chased  case ;  two  valuable  diamond  rings,  two 
mourning  swords,  one  with  a  silver  handle,  and  a 
fourth,  cut  steel,  inlaid  with  gold  ;  a  diamond  stock- 
buckle,  and  a  set  of  stone  buckles  for  the  knees  and 
shoes  ;  a  pair  of  silver  mounted  pistols,  with  rich 
housings ;  a  gold-headed  cane,  and  a  snuff-box  of 
tortoiseshell,  mounted  with  gold,  having  the  picture 
of  a  lady  in  the  top.  The  gentleman  left  many  other 
things  of  value,  which  my  friend  had  converted  into 
cash  before  I  met  with  him  ;  so  that,  over  and  above 
these  particulars,  our  stock  in  ready  money  amounted 
to  something  more  than  two  hundred  pounds. 

Thus  equipped,  I  put  on  the  gentleman  of  figure, 
and,  attended  by  my  honest  friend,  who  was  con- 
tented with  the  station  of  my  valet,  visited  the 
Louvre,  examined  the  gallery  of  Luxembourg,  and 
appeared  at  Versailles,  where  I  had  the  honour  of 
seeing  his  Most  Christian  Majesty  eat  a  considerable 
quantity  of  olives.  During  the  month  I  spent  at 
Paris,  I  went  several  times  to  court,  the  Italian 


ARRIVAL    IN    LONDON 

comedy,  opera,  and  play-house,  danced  at  a  mas- 
querade —  and,  in  short,  saw  everything  remarkable 
in  and  about  that  capital.  Then  we  set  out  for  Eng- 
land by  the  way  of  Flanders,  passed  through  Brussels, 
Ghent,  and  Bruges,  and  took  shipping  at  Ostend, 
from  whence,  in  fourteen  hours,  we  arrived  at  Deal, 
hired  a  post-chaise,  and,  in  twelve  hours  more,  got 
safe  to  London,  having  disposed  of  our  heavy  bag- 
gage in  the  waggon. 


[233] 


CHAPTER    FORTY-FIVE 

I  INQUIRE  FOR  MY  UNCLE,  AND   UNDERSTAND  HE  IS  GONE 

TO  SEA TAKE   LODGINGS   AT   CHARING  CROSS GO 

TO  THE   PLAY,  WHERE  I  MEET  WITH  AN   ADVENTURE 

DINE  AT  AN   ORDINARY  ;    THE   GUESTS   DESCRIBED 

BECOME  ACQUAINTED  WITH  MEDLAR,  AND  DOCTOR 

WAGTAIL. 

A  soon  as  we  alighted  at  the  inn,  I  des- 
patched Strap  to  inquire  for  my  uncle, 
at  the  Union  Flag,  in  Wapping ;  and  he 
returned  in  a  little  time  with  an  account 
of  Mr.  Bowling's  having  gone  to  sea,  mate  of  a  mer- 
chant ship,  after  a  long  and  unsuccessful  application 
and  attendance  at  the  Admiralty ;  where,  it  seems, 
the  interest  he  depended  upon  was  not  sufficient  to 
reinstate  him,  or  recover  the  pay  that  was  due  to 
him  when  he  quitted  the  Thunder. 

Next  day  I  hired  very  handsome  lodgings,  not  far 
from  Charing  Cross,  and,  in  the  evening,  dressed 
myself  in  a  plain  suit  of  true  Paris  cut,  and  appeared 
in  a  front  box  at  the  play,  where  I  saw  a  good  deal 
of  company,  and  was  vain  enough  to  believe  that  I 
was  observed  with  an  uncommon  degree  of  attention 
and  applause.  This  silly  conceit  intoxicated  me  so 
much,  that  I  was  guilty  of  a  thousand  ridiculous  co- 
quetries ;  and  I  dare  say,  how  favourable  soever  the 
[234] 


BEHAVIOUR    AT    THE    PLAY 

thoughts  of  the  company  might  be  at  my  first  appear- 
ance, they  were  soon  changed,  by  my  absurd  behaviour, 
into  pity  or  contempt.  I  rose  and  sat  down,  covered 
and  uncovered  my  head  twenty  times  between  the 
acts;  pulled  out  my  watch,  clapped  it  to  my  ear, 
wound  it  up,  set  it,  gave  it  the  hearing  again ;  dis- 
played my  snuff-box,  affected  to  take  snuff,  that  I 
might  have  an  opportunity  of  showing  my  brilliant, 
and  wiped  my  nose  with  a  perfumed  handkerchief; 
then  dangled  my  cane,  and  adjusted  my  sword-knot, 
and  acted  many  more  fooleries  of  the  same  kind,  in 
hopes  of  obtaining  the  character  of  a  pretty  fellow, 
in  the  acquiring  of  which  I  found  two  considerable 
obstructions  in  my  disposition,  namely,  a  natural 
reserve,  and  jealous  sensibility.  Fain  would  I  have 
entered  into  conversation  with  the  people  around  me, 
but  I  was  restrained  by  the  fear  of  being  censured 
for  my  assurance,  as  well  as  by  reflecting  that  I  was 
more  entitled  to  a  compliment  of  this  kind  from 
them,  than  they  to  such  condescension  from  a 
stranger  like  me.  How  often  did  I  redden  at  the 
frequent  whispers  and  loud  laughter  of  my  fellow- 
beaux,  which  I  imagined  were  excited  by  me!  and 
how  often  did  I  envy  the  happy  indifference  of  those 
choice  spirits,  who  beheld  the  distress  of  the  scene, 
without  discovering  the  least  symptom  of  approbation 
or  concern  !  My  attention  was  engaged  in  spite  of 
myself,  and  I  could  not  help  weeping  with  the  heroine 
of  the  stage ;  though  I  practised  a  great  many  shifts 
to  conceal  this  piece  of  impolite  weakness.  When 
the  play  was  ended,  I  sat  waiting  for  an  opportunity 
of  handing  some  lady  to  her  coach ;  but  every  one 
[235] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

was  attended  by  such  a  number  of  officious  gallants, 
that  for  a  long  time  I  was  balked  in  my  expectation. 
At  length,  however,  I  perceived  a  very  handsome 
creature,  genteelly  dressed,  sitting  by  herself  in  a  box, 
at  some  distance  from  me ;  upon  which  I  went  up  to 
her,  and  offered  my  service.  She  seemed  to  be  in 
some  confusion,  thanked  me  for  my  complaisance, 
and  with  a  tender  look  declined  giving  me  the 
trouble  ;  looking  at  her  watch,  and  testifying  her 
surprise  at  the  negligence  of  her  footman,  whom  she 
had  ordered  to  have  a  chair  ready  for  her  at  that 
hour.  I  repeated  my  entreaty  with  all  the  eloquence 
and  compliment  I  was  master  of;  and,  in  the  event, 
she  was  prevailed  upon  to  accept  of  a  proposal  I  made 
to  send  my  servant  for  a  chair  or  coach  :  accordingly, 
Strap  was  detached  for  that  purpose,  and  returned 
without  success.  By  this  time  the  play-house  was 
quite  empty,  and  we  were  obliged  to  retire.  As  I 
led  her  through  the  passage,  I  observed  five  or  six 
young  fellows  of  fashion,  standing  in  a  corner,  one 
of  whom,  as  I  thought,  tipt  my  charmer  the  wink, 
and  when  we  were  past,  I  heard  them  set  up  a  loud 
laugh.  This  note  aroused  my  attention,  and  I  was 
resolved  to  be  fully  satisfied  of  this  lady's  character, 
before  I  should  have  any  nearer  connexion  with  her. 
As  no  convenience  appeared,  I  proposed  to  conduct 
her  to  a  tavern,  where  we  might  stay  a  few  minutes, 
till  my  servant  could  fetch  a  coach  from  the  Strand. 
She  seemed  particularly  shy  of  trusting  herself  in 
a  tavern  with  a  stranger ;  but  at  last  yielded  to  my 
pathetic  remonstrances,  rather  than  endanger  her 
health,  by  remaining  in  a  cold  damp  thoroughfare. 
[236] 


A    PLAY-HOUSE    ADVENTURE 

Having  thus  far  succeeded,  I  begged  to  know  what 
wine  she  would  be  pleased  to  drink  a  glass  of;  but 
she  professed  the  greatest  aversion  to  all  sorts  of 
strong  liquors ;  and  it  was  with  much  difficulty  that 
I  could  persuade  her  to  eat  a  jelly.  In  the  mean- 
time, I  endeavoured  to  alleviate  the  uneasiness  she 
discovered,  by  saying  all  the  agreeable  things  I  could 
think  of;  at  which  she  would  often  sigh,  and  regard 
me  with  a  languishing  look,  that  seemed  however  too 
near  akin  to  the  lewd  leer  of  a  courtezan.  This  dis- 
covery, added  to  my  former  suspicion,  while  it  put 
me  upon  my  guard  against  her  arts,  divested  me  of 
reserve,  and  enabled  me  to  entertain  her  with  gaiety 
and  freedom.  In  the  course  of  our  conversation,  I 
pressed  her  to  allow  me  the  honour  of  waiting  upon 
her  next  day  at  her  lodgings ;  a  request  which  she, 
with  many  apologies,  refused,  lest  it  should  give  um- 
brage to  Sir  John,  who  was  of  a  disposition  apt  to  be 
fretted  with  trifles.  This  information,  by  which  I 
was  to  understand  that  her  husband  was  a  knight,  did 
not  check  my  addresses,  which  became  more  and  more 
importunate,  and  I  was  even  hardy  enough  to  ravish 
a  kiss.  But,  O  Heavens !  instead  of  banqueting  on 
the  ambrosial  flavour  that  her  delicacy  of  complexion 
promised,  I  was  almost  suffocated  with  the  steams  of 
Geneva ! 

An  exhalation  of  this  kind,  from  a  mouth  which 
had  just  before  declared  an  utter  abhorrence  of  all 
spirituous  liquors,  not  only  changed  my  doubts  into 
certainty,  but  my  raptures  into  loathing;  and  it 
would  have  been  impossible  for  me  to  have  pre- 
served common  complaisance  five  minutes  longer, 
[  237  ] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

when  my  servant  returned  with  the  coach.  I  took 
the  advantage  of  this  occasion,  and  presented  my 
hand  to  the  lady,  who  put  in  practice  against  me  the 
whole  artillery  of  her  charms,  ogling,  languishing, 
sighing,  and  squeezing,  with  so  little  reserve,  that 
Strap  perceived  her  tenderness,  and  rubbed  his  hands 
with  joy  as  he  followed  us  to  the  door ;  but  I  was 
proof  against  all  her  endearments,  and  handed  her 
into  the  coach  with  an  intention  to  take  my  leave 
immediately.  She  guessed  my  design,  and  invited 
me  to  her  house,  whispering,  that  now  Sir  John  was 
gone  to  bed,  she  could  have  the  pleasure  of  my  con- 
versation for  half  an  hour  without  interruption.  I 
told  her,  there  was  no  mortification  I  would  not 
undergo,  rather  than  endanger  the  repose  of  her  lady- 
ship ;  and  bidding  the  coachman  drive  on,  wished  her 
a  good  night.  She  lost  all  temper  at  my  indiffer- 
ence, and  stopping  the  coach  at  the  distance  of  about 
twenty  yards  from  me,  popped  out  her  head,  and 
bawled  with  the  lungs  of  a  fish-woman,  "D — n 
you,  you  dog,  won't  you  pay  for  the  coach-hire?" 
As  I  made  no  answer,  she  held  forth  against  me  with 
an  eloquence  peculiar  to  herself ;  calling  me  a  pitiful 
fellow,  scoundrel,  and  an  hundred  such  appellations ; 
concluding  with  an  oath,  that,  for  all  my  appearance, 
she  believed  I  had  got  no  money  in  my  pocket. 

Having  thus  vented  her  indignation,  she  ordered 
the  coachman  to  proceed,  and  I  returned  to  the 
tavern,  where  I  bespoke  something  for  supper,  very 
well  pleased  at  the  issue  of  this  adventure.  I  dis- 
pensed with  the  attendance  of  the  waiter  at  table,  on 
pretence  that  my  own  servant  was  present,  and  when 
[238] 


we  were  alone,  said  to  Strap,  "  Well,  Monsieur 
d'Estrapes,  what  do  you  think  of  this  lady  ?  "  My 
friend,  who  had  not  opened  his  mouth  since  her 
departure,  could  make  no  other  reply  than  the  mono- 
syllable, "  Think  ! "  which  he  pronounced  with  a  note 
of  fear  and  astonishment.  Surprised  at  this  emphasis, 
I  surveyed  my  valet,  and  perceiving  a  wildness  in  his 
looks  asked  if  he  had  seen  his  grandfather's  ghost ! 
"  Ghost !  "  said  he,  "  I  am  sure  I  have  seen  a  devil 
incarnate !  Who  would  have  thought  that  so  much 
devilish  malice  and  Billingsgate  could  lurk  under 
such  sweetness  of  countenance  and  modesty  of  be- 
haviour ?  Ah  !  God  help  us  !  Fronti  nulla  fides  — 
nimium  ne  crede  colori  —  but  we  ought  to  down  on 
our  knees,  and  bless  God  for  delivering  us  from  the 
jaws  of  that  painted  sepulchre."  I  was  pretty  much 
of  Strap's  opinion,  and  though  I  did  not  believe 
myself  in  any  danger  from  the  allurements  of  that 
sisterhood,  I  determined  to  act  with  great  circum- 
spection for  the  future,  and  shun  all  commerce  of 
that  kind,  as  equally  prejudicial  to  my  purse  and 
constitution. 

My  next  care  was  to  introduce  myself  into  a  set 
of  good  acquaintance ;  for  which  purpose  I  frequented 
a  certain  coffeehouse,  noted  for  the  resort  of  good 
company,  English  as  well  as  foreigners,  where  my 
appearance  produced  all  the  civilities  and  advances  I 
could  desire.  As  there  was  an  ordinary  in  the  same 
house.  I  went  upstairs  to  dinner  with  the  other  guests, 
and  found  myself  at  a  table  with  thirteen  people, 
the  greatest  part  of  whom  were  better  dressed  than 
myself  The  conversation,  which  was  mostly  carried 
[239] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

on  in  French,  turned  chiefly  on  politics ;  and  I  soon 
found  the  whole  company  was  in  the  French  interest, 
myself  excepted,  and  a  testy  old  gentleman,  who 
contradicted  everything  that  was  advanced  in  favour 
of  his  Most  Christian  Majesty,  with  a  surliness  truly 
English.  But  this  trusty  patriot,  who  had  never 
been  out  of  his  own  country,  and  drew  all  his  maxims 
and  notions  from  prejudice  and  hearsay,  was  very 
unequal  to  his  antagonists,  who  were  superior  to  him 
in  learning  and  experience,  and  often  took  the  liberty 
of  travellers,  in  asserting  things  which  were  not 
strictly  true,  because  they  thought  themselves  in  no 
danger  of  being  detected  by  him.  The  claim  of  the 
Queen  of  Spain  to  the  Austrian  dominions  in  Italy 
was  fully  explained  and  vindicated  by  a  person  who 
sat  opposite  to  me,  and,  by  the  solemnity  of  his 
manner,  and  the  richness  of  his  apparel,  seemed  to  be 
a  foreign  ambassador.  This  dissertation  produced 
another  on  the  Pragmatic  Sanction,  handled  with 
great  warmth  by  a  young  gentleman  at  my  right 
hand,  dressed  in  a  green  frock  trimmed  with  gold, 
who  justified  the  French  King  for  his  breach  of  that 
contract,  and  affirmed  that  he  could  not  have  observed 
it,  without  injuring  his  own  glory.  Although  I  was 
not  at  all  convinced  by  this  gentleman's  arguments, 
I  could  not  help  admiring  his  vivacity,  which  I 
imagined  must  be  the  effect  of  his  illustrious  birth 
and  noble  education,  and  accordingly  rated  him  in 
my  conjecture  as  a  young  prince  on  his  travels.  The 
discourse  was  afterwards  shifted  by  an  old  gentleman 
of  a  very  martial  appearance,  to  the  last  campaign, 
when  the  battle  of  Dettingen  was  fought  over  again, 
[240] 


with  so  many  circumstances  to  the  honour  of  the 
French,  and  disadvantage  of  the  Allies,  that  I  began 
to  entertain  some  doubts  of  my  having  been  there  in 
person,  and  took  the  liberty  to  mention  some  objec- 
tions to  what  he  advanced.  This  freedom  introduced 
a  dispute,  which  lasted  a  good  while,  to  the  mortifi- 
cation of  all  present ;  and  was  at  last  referred  to  the 
determination  of  a  grave  person,  whom  they  styled 
Doctor,  and  who,  under  a  show  of  great  moderation, 
decided  it  against  me,  with  so  little  regard  to  truth, 
that  I  taxed  him  with  partiality  in  pretty  severe 
terms,  to  the  no  small  entertainment  of  the  true 
English  political!,  who  rejoiced  at  my  defence  of  a 
cause  he  had  so  often  espoused  without  success. 

My  opponent,  pleased  with  the  victory  he  had 
gained,  affected  a  great  deal  of  candour,  and  told  me, 
he  should  not  have  been  so  positive  if  he  had  not 
been  at  great  pains  to  inform  himself  of  each  partic- 
ular. "  Indeed,"  said  he,  "  I  am  convinced  that,  the 
previous  steps  considered,  things  could  not  happen 
otherwise ;  for  we  generals  who  have  seen  service, 
though  we  may  not  be  on  the  spot  ourselves,  know, 
by  the  least  sketch  of  the  disposition,  what  must  be 
the  event.""  He  then  censured,  with  great  freedom, 
every  circumstance  of  the  conduct  of  those  who 
commanded  the  Allies ;  from  thence  made  a  transi- 
tion to  the  ministry,  which  he  honoured  with  many 
invectives  for  employing  people  who  had  neither 
experience  nor  capacity,  to  the  prejudice  of  old 
officers  who  had  been  distinguished  for  both,  dropped 
many  hints  of  his  own  importance,  and  concluded  with 
observing,  that  the  French  and  Spaniards  knew 
TOL.  ii.  — 16  [241] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

better  how  to  value  generals  of  merit ;  the  good 
effects  of  which  are  seen  in  the  conquests  they  gain, 
and  the  admirable  discipline  of  their  troops,  which 
are,  at  the  same  time,  better  clothed  and  paid  than 
any  soldiers  in  the  universe. 

These  remarks  furnished  the  green  knight  with  an 
opportunity  of  launching  out  in  the  praise  of  the 
French  government  in  general,  civil  as  well  as  mili- 
tary ;  on  which  occasion,  he  made  many  odious 
comparisons  to  the  disadvantage  of  the  English. 
Everybody,  almost,  assented  to  the  observations  he 
made ;  and  the  doctor  gave  his  sanction,  by  saying, 
the  people  in  France  were  undoubtedly  the  happiest 
subjects  in  the  world.  I  was  so  much  astonished 
and  confounded  at  their  infatuation  and  effrontery, 
that  I  had  not  power  to  utter  one  word  in  opposi- 
tion to  their  assertions;  but  my  morose  associate 
could  not  put  up  with  the  indignity  that  was  offered 
to  Old  England,  and  therefore,  with  a  satirical  grin, 
addressed  himself  to  the  general  in  these  words : 
"  Sir,  sir,  I  have  often  heard  it  said,  '  She  "*$  a  inllan- 
ous  bird  that  befouls  her  own  nest?  As  for  what 
those  people  who  are  foreigners  say,  I  don't  mind  it, 
they  know  no  better ;  but  you,  who  were  bred  and 
born,  and  have  got  your  bread  under  the  English 
government,  should  have  more  regard  to  gratitude, 
as  well  as  truth,  in  censuring  your  native  country. 
If  the  ministry  have  thought  fit  to  lay  you  aside,  I 
suppose  they  have  their  own  reason  for  so  doing; 
and  you  ought  to  remember,  that  you  still  live  on 
the  bounty  of  this  nation.  As  for  these  gentlemen, 
(meaning  the  prince  and  ambassador,)  who  make  so 
[242] 


THE    GENERAL    SILENCED 

free  with  our  constitution,  laws,  and  genius  of  our 
people,  I  think  they  might  show  a  little  more 
respect  for  their  benefactors,  who,  I  must  own,  are 
to  blame  in  harbouring,  protecting,  and  encouraging 
such  ungrateful  vagrants  as  they  are." 

At  these  words,  the  chevalier  in  green  started  up 
in  a  great  passion,  and,  laying  his  hand  on  the  hilt 
of  his  hanger,  exclaimed,  "  Ha,  f outre ! "  The  Eng- 
lishman, on  the  other  hand,  grasping  his  cane,  cried, 
"  Don't  f  outre  me,  sirrah,  or,  by  G — d,  1 11  knock 
you  down."  The  company  interposed,  the  French- 
man sat  down  again,  and  his  antagonist  proceeded : 
"  Lookee,  Monsieur,  you  know  very  well  that,  had 
you  dared  to  speak  so  freely  of  the  administration 
of  your  own  country  in  Paris  as  you  have  done  of 
ours  in  London,  you  would  have  been  sent  to  the 
Bastille  without  ceremony,  where  you  might  have 
rotted  in  a  dungeon,  and  never  seen  the  light  of  the 
sun  again.  Now,  sir,  take  my  word  for  it,  although 
our  constitution  screens  us  from  such  oppression,  we 
want  not  laws  to  chastise  the  authors  of  seditious 
discourse ;  and  if  I  hear  another  syllable  out  of  your 
mouth  in  contempt  or  prejudice  of  this  kingdom,  I 
will  give  you  a  convincing  proof  of  what  I  advance, 
and  have  you  laid  by  the  heels  for  your  presump- 
tion." This  declaration  had  an  effect  on  the  com- 
pany as  sudden  as  surprising.  The  young  prince 
became  supple  as  a  spaniel;  the  ambassador  trem- 
bled ;  the  general  sat  silent  and  abashed ;  and  the 
doctor,  who,  it  seems,  had  felt  the  rod  of  power, 
grew  pale  as  death,  and  assured  us  all  that  he  had 
no  intention  to  affront  any  person  or  people.  "  Your 
[243] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

principles,  doctor,"  resumed  the  old  gentleman,  "  are 
no  secret  —  I  have  nothing  to  say  to  you  upon  that 
head ;  but  am  very  much  surprised  that  a  man  who 
despises  us  so  much,  should,  notwithstanding,  live 
among  us,  when  he  has  no  visible  motive  for  so 
doing.  Why  don't  you  take  up  your  habitation  in 
your  beloved  France,  where  you  may  rail  at  England 
without  censure  ?  " 

To  this  remonstrance  the  doctor  thought  proper 
to  make  no  reply ;  and  an  unsocial  silence  ensued ; 
which  I  perceiving,  took  notice,  that  it  was  pity  such 
idle  disputes,  maintained  very  often  through  whim 
or  diversion,  should  create  any  misunderstanding 
among  gentlemen  of  good  sense ;  and  proposed  to 
drink  down  all  animosity  in  another  bottle.  This 
motion  was  applauded  by  the  whole  company ;  the 
wine  was  brought,  and  the  English  champion,  declar- 
ing he  had  no  spleen  against  any  man  for  differing 
in  opinion  from  him,  any  more  than  for  difference 
of  complexion,  drank  to  the  good  health  of  all  pres- 
ent; the  compliment  was  returned,  and  the  conver- 
sation once  more  became  unreserved,  though  more 
general  than  before.  Among  other  topics,  the  sub- 
ject of  war  was  introduced,  on  which  the  general 
declaimed  with  great  eloquence,  recounting  many  of 
his  own  exploits  by  way  of  illustration.  In  the 
course  of  his  harangue,  he  happened  to  mention 
the  word  epaulement^  upon  which  the  testy  gentle- 
man asked  the  meaning  of  that  term.  "  1 11  tell 
you  what  an  epaulement  is,"  replied  he;  "I  never 
saw  an  epaulement  but  once,  and  that  was  at  the 
siege  of  Namur;  in  a  council  of  war.  Monsieur 
[244] 


THE    COMPANY    DESCRIBED 

Cohort!,  the  famous  engineer,  affirmed  that  the 
place  could  not  be  taken.  '  Yes,'  said  the  Prince 
of  Vaudemont,  '  it  may  be  taken  by  an  epaulement.' 
This  was  immediately  put  in  execution,  and,  in 
twenty-four  hours,  Mareschal  Boufflers  was  fain  to 
capitulate.1' 

Here  he  made  a  full  stop  ;  and  the  old  gentleman 
repeated  the  question,  "  But  pray  what  is  an  epaule- 
ment  ?  "  To  this  interrogation  the  officer  made  no 
reply,  but  rung  the  bell,  and  called  for  a  bill,  which 
being  brought,  he  threw  down  his  proportion  of  the 
reckoning,  and,  telling  the  company  he  would  show 
them  an  epaulement  when  his  Majesty  should  think 
fit  to  entrust  him  with  the  command  of  our  army 
abroad,  strutted  away  with  great  dignity.  I  could 
not  imagine  why  he  was  so  shy  of  explaining  one  of 
the  most  simple  terms  of  fortification,  which  I  forth- 
with described  as  a  side-work,  composed  of  earth, 
gabions,  or  fascines ;  but  I  was  very  much  surprised 
when  I  afterwards  understood  that  his  reserve  pro- 
ceeded from  his  ignorance.  Having  paid  our  bill, 
we  adjourned  to  the  coffee-room,  where  my  fellow - 
labourer  insisted  on  treating  me  with  a  dish,  giving 
me  to  understand  at  the  same  time,  that  I  had 
acquired  his  good  opinion,  both  with  respect  to 
my  principles  and  understanding. 

I  thanked  him  for  his  compliment,  and,  professing 
myself  an  utter  stranger  in  this  part  of  the  world, 
begged  he  would  have  the  goodness  to  inform  me 
of  the  quality  and  characters  of  the  people  who  dined 
above.  This  request  was  a  real  favour  to  one  of  his 
disposition,  which  was  no  less  communicative  than 
[245] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

curious ;  he  therefore  complied  with  great  satisfaction, 
and  told  me,  to  my  extreme  astonishment,  that  the 
supposed  young  prince  was  a  dancer  at  one  of  the 
theatres,  and  the  ambassador  no  other  than  a  fiddler 
belonging  to  the  opera.  "  The  doctor,"  said  he,  "  is 
a  Roman  Catholic  priest,  who  sometimes  appears  in 
the  character  of  an  officer,  and  assumes  the  name  of 
Captain ;  but  more  generally  takes  the  garb,  title,  and 
behaviour  of  a  physician,  in  which  capacity  he  whee- 
dles himself  into  the  confidence  of  weak-minded 
people,  and,  by  arguments  no  less  specious  than 
false,  converts  them  from  their  religion  and  alle- 
giance. He  has  been  in  the  hands  of  justice  more 
than  once  for  such  practices ;  but  he  is  a  sly  dog, 
and  manages  matters  with  so  much  craft,  that,  hith- 
erto, he  has  escaped  for  a  short  imprisonment.  As 
for  the  general,  you  may  see  he  has  owed  his  promo- 
tion more  to  his  interest  than  his  capacity ;  and,  now 
that  the  eyes  of  the  ministry  are  opened,  his  friends 
dead,  or  become  inconsiderable,  he  is  struck  off  the 
list,  and  obliged  to  put  up  with  a  yearly  pension. 
In  consequence  of  this  reduction,  he  is  become  mal- 
content, and  inveighs  against  the  government,  in  all 
companies,  with  so  little  discretion,  that  I  am  sur- 
prised at  the  lenity  of  the  administration  in  over- 
looking his  insolence ;  but  the  truth  of  the  matter 
is,  he  owes  his  safety  to  his  weakness  and  want  of 
importance.  He  has  seen  a  little,  and  but  a  little, 
service ;  and  yet,  if  you  would  take  his  word  for  it, 
there  has  not  been  a  great  action  performed  in  the 
field  since  the  Revolution,  in  which  he  was  not  prin- 
cipally concerned.  When  a  story  is  told  of  any  great 
[246] 


THE    COMPANY    DESCRIBED 

general,  he  immediately  matches  it  with  one  of  him- 
self, though  he  is  often  unhappy  in  his  invention,  and 
commits  such  gross  blunders  in  the  detail,  that  every- 
body is  in  pain  for  him.  Caesar,  Pompey,  and  Alex- 
ander the  Great  are  continually  in  his  mouth ;  and 
as  he  reads  a  good  deal  without  any  judgment  to 
digest  it,  his  ideas  are  confused,  and  his  harangues  as 
unintelligible  as  infinite  ;  for,  once  he  begins,  there 
is  no  chance  of  his  leaving  off  speaking,  while  one 
person  remains  to  yield  attention ;  therefore  the  only 
expedient  I  know  for  putting  a  stop  to  his  loquacity, 
is  to  lay  hold  of  some  incongruity  he  has  uttered, 
and  demand  an  explanation  ;  or  ask  the  meaning  of 
some  difficult  term  that  he  knows  by  name  only. 
This  method  will  effectually  put  him  to  silence,  if 
not  to  flight,  as  it  happened  when  I  inquired  about 
an  epaulement.  Had  he  been  acquainted  with  the 
signification  of  that  word,  his  triumph  would  have 
been  intolerable,  and  we  must  have  quitted  the  field 
first,  or  been  worried  with  impertinence."  Having 
thus  gratified  my  curiosity,  the  old  gentleman  began 
to  discover  his  own,  in  questions  relating  to  myself, 
to  which  I  thought  proper  to  return  ambiguous 
answers.  "I  presume,  sir,"  said  he,  "you  have 
travelled."  I  answered,  "  Yes."  "  I  dare  say  you 
would  find  it  very  expensive,"  said  he.  I  replied, 
"To  be  sure,  one  cannot  travel  without  money." 
"  That  I  know  by  experience,"  said  he,  "  for  I  my- 
self take  a  trip  to  Bath  or  Tunbridge  every  season  ; 
and  one  must  pay  sauce  for  what  he  has  on  the  road, 
as  well  in  other  countries  as  in  this  —  That 's  a  very 
pretty  stone  in  your  ring,  —  give  me  leave,  sir,  — 
[247] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

the  French  have  attained  a  wonderful  skill  in  mak- 
ing compositions  of  this  kind.  Why,  now,  this  looks 
almost  as  well  as  a  diamond."  "  Almost  as  well,  sir," 
said  I,  "  why  not  altogether  ?  I  am  sure,  if  you 
understand  anything  of  jewels,  you  must  perceive  at 
first  sight,  that  this  stone  is  a  real  diamond,  and 
that  of  a  very  fine  water.  Take  it  in  your  hand 
and  examine  it."  He  did  so,  with  some  confusion, 
and  returned  it  saying,  "  I  ask  your  pardon,  I  see  it 
is  a  true  brilliant  of  immense  value."  I  imagined  his 
respect  for  me  increased  after  this  inquiry  ;  therefore, 
to  captivate  his  esteem  the  more,  I  told  him,  I  would 
show  him  a  seal  of  composition,  engraved  after  a  very 
valuable  antique  ;  upon  which  I  pulled  out  my  watch, 
with  a  rich  gold  chain,  adorned  with  three  seals  set  in 
gold,  and  an  opal  ring.  He  viewed  each  of  them 
with  great  eagerness,  handled  the  chain,  admired  the 
chased  case,  and  observed,  that  the  whole  must  have 
cost  me  a  vast  sum  of  money.  I  affected  indiffer- 
ence, and  replied  in  a  careless  manner,  "  Some  trifle 
of  sixty  or  seventy  guineas."  He  stared  in  my 
face  for  some  time,  and  then  asked  if  I  was  an 
Englishman  ?  I  answered  in  the  negative.  "  You 
are  from  Ireland  then,  sir,  I  presume,"  said  he.  I 
made  the  same  reply.  "  O  !  perhaps,"  said  he,  "  you 
was  born  in  one  of  our  settlements  abroad."  I  still 
answered,  "  No."  He  seemed  very  much  surprised, 
and  said,  he  was  sure  I  was  not  a  foreigner.  I 
made  no  reply,  but  left  him  upon  the  tenterhooks 
of  impatient  uncertainty.  He  could  not  contain 
his  anxiety,  but  asked  pardon  for  the  liberties 
he  had  taken,  and,  to  encourage  me  the  more  to 
[248] 


A    FASHIONABLE    DOCTOR 

disclose   my  situation,    displayed   his   own    without 
reserve : 

"  I  am,"  said  he,  "  a  single  man,  have  a  consider- 
able annuity,  on  which  I  live  according  to  my  own 
inclination,  and  make  the  ends  of  the  year  meet  very 
comfortably.  As  I  have  no  estate  to  leave  behind 
me,  I  am  not  troubled  with  the  importunate  officious- 
ness  of  relations  or  legacy  hunters,  and  I  consider  the 
world  as  made  for  me,  not  me  for  the  world :  it  is 
my  maxim  therefore  to  enjoy  it  while  I  can,  and  let 
futurity  shift  for  itself."  While  he  thus  indulged 
his  own  talkative  vein,  and  at  the  same  time,  no 
doubt,  expected  a  retaliation  from  me,  a  young  man 
entered  dressed  in  black  velvet,  and  an  enormous  tie 
wig,  with  an  air  in  which  natural  levity  and  affected 
solemnity  were  so  jumbled  together,  that,  on  the 
whole,  he  appeared  a  burlesque  on  all  decorum.  This 
ridiculous  oddity  danced  up  to  the  table  at  which  we 
sat,  and,  after  a  thousand  grimaces,  asked  my  friend, 
by  the  name  of  Mr.  Medlar,  if  we  were  not  engaged 
upon  business.  My  companion  put  on  a  surly  coun- 
tenance, and  replied,  "  No  great  business,  Doctor  — 
but  however " —  "Oh!  then,"  cried  the  physician, 
"  I  must  beg  your  indulgence  a  little,  —  pray  pardon 
me,  gentlemen.  —  Sir,"  said  he,  addressing  himself  to 
me,  "  your  most  humble  servant,  I  hope  you  will  for- 
give me,  sir  —  I  must  beg  the  favour  to  sit,  sir  — 
Sir,  I  have  something  of  consequence  to  impart  to 
my  friend,  Mr.  Medlar  —  Sir,  I  hope  you  will  excuse 
my  freedom  in  whispering,  sir."  Before  I  had  time 
to  give  this  complaisant  person  my  permission,  Mr. 
Medlar  cried,  "  I  '11  have  no  whispering  ;  if  you  have 
[249] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

anything  to  say  to  me,  speak  with  an  audible  voice." 
The  doctor  seemed  a  little  disconcerted  at  this  ex- 
clamation, and,  turning  again  to  me,  made  a  thou- 
sand apologies  for  pretending  to  make  mystery  of 
anything,  a  piece  of  caution  which  he  said  was  owing 
to  his  ignorance  of  my  connexion  with  Mr.  Medlar  ; 
but,  now  he  understood  I  was  a  friend,  he  would 
communicate  what  he  had  to  say  in  my  hearing.  He 
then  began,  after  two  or  three  hems,  in  this  manner  : 
"  You  must  know,  sir,  I  am  just  come  from  dinner  at 
my  Lady  Flareifs  (then  addressing  himself  to  me),  a 
lady  of  quality,  sir,  at  whose  table  I  have  the  honour 
of  dining  sometimes.  There  was  Lady  Stately,  and 
my  Lady  Larum,  and  Mrs.  Dainty,  and  Miss  Biddy 
Gigler,  upon  my  word,  a  very  good-natured  young 
lady,  with  a  very  pretty  fortune,  sir.  There  were 
also  my  Lord  Straddle,  Sir  John  Shrug,  and  Mr. 
Billy  Chatter,  who  is  actually  a  very  facetious  young 
gentleman.  So,  sir,  her  ladyship  seeing  me  exces- 
sively fatigued,  for  she  was  the  last  of  fifteen  patients, 
people  of  distinction,  sir,  whom  I  had  visited  this 
forenoon — insisted  upon  [my]  staying  dinner,  though, 
upon  my  word,  I  protest  I  had  no  appetite ;  however, 
in  compliance  with  her  ladyship's  request,  sir,  I  sat 
down,  and  the  conversation  turning  upon  different 
subjects,  among  other  things,  Mr.  Chatter  asked  very 
earnestly  when  I  saw  Mr.  Medlar.  I  told  him  I  had 
not  had  the  pleasure  of  seeing  you  these  nineteen 
hours  and  a  half ;  for  you  may  remember,  sir,  it  was 
nearly  about  that  time ;  I  won't  be  positive  to  a 
minute.  — '  No  ! '  says  he,  *  then  I  desire  you  will  go 
to  his  lodgings  immediately  after  dinner,  and  see 
[250] 


DISCOURSE    ON    DRINKING 

what 's  the  matter  with  him,  for  he  must  certainly 
be  very  bad  from  having  eat  last  night  such  a  vast 
quantity  of  raw  oysters.1"  The  crusty  gentleman, 
who,  from  the  solemnity  of  his  delivery,  expected 
something  extraordinary,  no  sooner  heard  his  con- 
clusion, than  he  started  up  in  a  testy  humour,  crying, 
"  Pshaw  !  pshaw  !  d — n  your  oysters ; w  and  walked 
away  after  a  short  compliment  of,  "  Your  servant, 
sir,""  to  me.  The  doctor  got  up  also,  saying,  **  I  vow 
and  protest,  upon  my  word,  I  am  actually  amazed,1* 
and  followed  Mr.  Medlar  to  the  bar,  which  was  hard 
by,  where  he  was  paying  for  his  coffee;  there  he  whis- 
pered so  loud,  that  I  could  overhear,  "  Pray  who  is 
this  gentleman?"  His  friend  replied  hastily,  "I 
might  have  known  that  before  now,  if  it  had  not 
been  for  your  impertinent  intrusion,"  and  walked  off 
very  much  disappointed. 

The  ceremonious  physician  returned  immediately, 
and  sat  down  by  me,  asking  a  thousand  pardons  for 
leaving  me  alone;  and  giving  me  to  understand, 
that  what  he  had  communicated  to  Mr.  Medlar  at 
the  bar  was  an  affair  of  the  last  importance,  that 
would  admit  of  no  delay.  He  then  called  for  some 
coffee,  and  launched  out  into  the  virtues  of  that 
berry,  which,  he  said,  in  cold  phlegmatic  constitu- 
tions, like  his,  dried  up  the  superfluous  moisture,  and 
braced  the  relaxed  nerves.  He  told  me  it  was  utterly 
unknown  to  the  ancients ;  and  derived  its  name  from 
an  Arabian  word,  which  I  might  easily  perceive  by 
the  sound  and  termination.  From  this  topic  he 
transferred  his  disquisitions  to  the  verb  drink,  which 
he  affirmed  was  improperly  applied  to  the  taking  of 
[251] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

coffee,  inasmuch  as  people  did  not  drink,  but  sip  or 
sipple  that  liquor ;  that  the  genuine  meaning  of 
drinking  is  to  quench  one's  thirst,  or  commit  a 
debauch  by  swallowing  wine ;  that  the  Latin  word, 
which  conveyed  the  same  idea  was  bibere  or  potare, 
and  that  of  the  Greeks  pinein  or  poteein,  though  he 
was  apt  to  believe  they  were  differently  used  on 
different  occasions.  For  example :  to  drink  a  vast 
quantity,  or,  as  the  vulgar  express  it,  to  drink  an 
ocean  of  liquor,  was  in  Latin  potare,  and  in  Greek 
poteein ;  and,  on  the  other  hand,  to  use  it  moder- 
ately, was  bibere,  and  pinein ;  that  this  was  only  a 
conjecture  of  his  own,  which,  however,  seemed  to  be 
supported  by  the  word  bibulous,  which  is  particularly 
applied  to  the  pores  of  the  skin,  that  can  only  drink 
a  very  small  quantity  of  the  circumambient  mois- 
ture, by  reason  of  the  smallness  of  their  diameters ; 
whereas,  from  the  verb  poteein  is  derived  the  sub- 
stantive potamos,  which  signifies  a  river,  or  vast 
quantity  of  liquor.  I  could  not  help  smiling  at 
this  learned  and  important  investigation ;  and,  to 
recommend  myself  the  more  to  my  new  acquaint- 
ance, whose  disposition  I  was  by  this  time  well 
informed  of,  I  observed,  that  what  he  alleged  did 
not,  to  the  best  of  my  remembrance,  appear  in  the 
writings  of  the  ancients ;  for  Horace  uses  the  words 
poto  and  bibo  indifferently  for  the  same  purpose,  as 
in  the  twentieth  ode  of  his  first  Book : 

Vile  potabis  modicis  Sabinum  cantharis, 

et  prcelo  domitam  Caleno  tu  bibes  uvam. 

That  I  had  never  heard  of  the  verb  poteein,  but 
that  potamos,  potema,  and  potos  were  derived  from 
[252] 


DISCOURSE    ON    DRINKING 

pino,  poso,  pepoka;  in  consequence  of  which  the 
Greek  poets  never  use  any  other  word  for  festal 
drinking.  Homer  describes  Nestor  at  his  cups  in 
these  words  : 

Nestora  d'  ouk  elathen  iache  pinonta  per  empes. 
And  Anacreon  mentions  it  on  the  same  occasion 
almost  in  every  page. 

Pinonti  de  oinon  hedun 
Otan  pino  ton  oinon. 
Opliz'  ego  de  pino. 

And  in  a  thousand  other  places.  The  doctor,  who, 
doubtless,  intended  by  his  criticism  to  give  me  a 
high  idea  of  his  erudition,  was  infinitely  surprised  to 
find  himself  schooled  by  one  of  my  appearance ;  and 
after  a  considerable  pause,  cried,  "  Upon  my  word ! 
you  are  in  the  right,  sir  —  I  find  I  have  not  consid- 
ered this  affair  with  my  usual  accuracy.1'  Then 
accosting  me  in  Latin,  which  he  spoke  very  well, 
the  conversation  was  maintained  full  two  hours,  on 
a  variety  of  subjects,  in  that  language ;  and  indeed, 
he  spoke  so  judiciously,  that  I  was  convinced,  not- 
withstanding his  whimsical  appearance,  and  attention 
to  trifles,  that  he  was  a  man  of  extensive  knowledge, 
especially  in  books ;  he  looked  upon  me,  as  I  after- 
wards understood  from  Mr.  Medlar,  as  a  prodigy  in 
learning,  and  proposed  that  very  night,  if  I  was  not 
engaged,  to  introduce  me  to  several  young  gentle- 
men of  fortune  and  fashion,  with  whom  he  had  an 
appointment  at  the  Bedford  Coffeehouse. 


[253] 


CHAPTER  FORTY-SIX 

WAGTAIL  INTRODUCES   ME  TO  A  SET  OF  FINE  GENTLE- 
MEN,   WITH    WHOM    I    SPEND    THE    EVENING    AT   A 

TAVERN OUR   CONVERSATION THE    CHARACTERS 

OF  MY  NEW  COMPANIONS THE  DOCTOR  IS  ROASTED 

THE    ISSUE    OF    OUR    DEBAUCH. 

I  ACCEPTED  his  offer  with  pleasure,  and  we 
went  thither  in  a  hackney  coach,  where  I  saw 
a  great  number  of  gay  figures  fluttering  about, 
most  of  whom  spoke  to  the  doctor  with  great 
familiarity.  Among  the  rest  stood  a  group  of  them 
round  the  fire,  whom  I  immediately  knew  to  be  the 
very  persons  who  had  the  night  before,  by  their 
laughing,  alarmed  my  suspicion  of  the  lady  who  had 
put  herself  under  my  protection.  They  no  sooner 
perceived  me  enter  with  Doctor  Wagtail,  for  that 
was  my  companion's  name,  than  they  tittered  and 
whispered  one  to  another ;  and  I  was  not  a  little  sur- 
prised to  find  that  these  were  the  gentlemen  to  whose 
acquaintance  he  designed  to  recommend  me ;  for 
when  he  observed  them  together,  he  told  me  who  they 
were,  and  desired  to  know  by  what  name  he  should 
introduce  me.  I  satisfied  him  in  that  particular,  and 
he  advanced  with  great  gravity,  saying,  "  Gentlemen, 
your  most  obedient  —  give  me  leave  to  introduce  my 
friend  Mr.  Random  to  your  society.""  Then  turning 
to  me,  "  Mr.  Random,  this  is  Mr.  Bragwell  —  Mr. 


A    SET    OF    FINE    GENTLEMEN 

Banter,  sir  —  Mr.  Chatter  —  my  friend  Mr.  Sly  boot, 
and  Mr.  Ranter,  sir."  I  saluted  each  of  them  in 
order,  and  when  I  came  to  take  Mr.  Slyboot  by  the 
hand.  I  perceived  him  to  thrust  his  tongue  in  his 
cheek,  to  the  no  small  entertainment  of  the  company ; 
but  I  did  not  think  proper  to  take  any  notice  of  it 
on  this  occasion.  Mr.  Ranter,  too,  who  I  afterwards 
learned  was  a  player,  displayed  his  talents,  by  mim- 
icking my  air,  features,  and  voice,  while  he  returned 
my  compliment.  This  feat  I  should  not  have  been 
so  sensible  of,  had  not  I  seen  him  behave  in  the  same 
manner  to  my  friend  Wagtail,  when  he  made  up  to 
them  at  first.  But  for  once  I  let  him  enjoy  the  fruits 
of  his  dexterity  without  question  or  control,  resolved, 
however,  to  chastise  his  insolence  at  a  more  conve- 
nient opportunity.  Mr.  Slyboot,  guessing  I  was  a 
stranger,  asked  if  I  had  been  lately  in  France ;  and 
when  I  answered  in  the  affirmative,  inquired  if  I  had 
seen  the  Luxembourg  gallery.  I  told  him  I  had 
considered  it  more  than  once,  with  great  atten- 
tion. Upon  this,  a  conversation  ensued,  in  which 
I  discovered  him  to  be  a  painter.  While  we  were 
discoursing  upon  the  particulars  of  this  famous  col- 
lection, I  overheard  Banter  ask  Doctor  Wagtail  where 
he  had  picked  up  this  Mr.  Random.  To  which  ques- 
tion the  physician  answered,  "  Upon  my  word,  a 
mighty  pretty  sort  of  a  gentleman  —  a  man  of  for- 
tune, sir  —  he  has  made  the  grand  tour,  and  seen  the 
best  company  in  Europe,  sir."  "  What,  he  told  you 
so,  I  suppose  ?  "  said  the  other ;  "  I  take  him  to  be 
neither  more  nor  less  than  a  French  valet-de-chambre." 
"Oh!  barbarous,  barbarous! "cried  the  doctor;  "this 
[255  ] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

is  actually,  upon  my  word,  altogether  unaccountable. 
I  know  all  his  family  perfectly  well,  sir;  he  is  of 
the  Randoms  of  the  north  —  a  very  ancient  house, 
sir,  and  a  distant  relation  of  mine."  I  was  extremely 
nettled  at  the  conjecture  of  Mr.  Banter,  and  be- 
gan to  entertain  a  very  indifferent  opinion  of  my 
company  in  general ;  but  as  I  might  possibly,  by 
their  means,  acquire  a  more  extensive  and  agreeable 
acquaintance,  I  determined  to  bear  these  little  morti- 
fications as  long  as  I  could,  without  injuring  the 
dignity  of  my  character.  After  having  talked  for 
some  time  on  the  weather,  plays,  politics,  and  other 
coffeehouse  subjects,  it  was  proposed  that  we  should 
spend  the  evening  at  a  noted  tavern  in  the  neighbour- 
hood, whither  we  repaired  in  a  body.  Having  taken 
possession  of  a  room,  called  for  French  wine,  and  be- 
spoke supper,  the  glass  went  about  pretty  freely,  and 
the  characters  of  my  associates  opened  upon  me  more 
and  more.  It  soon  appeared  that  the  doctor  was 
entertained  as  a  butt  for  the  painter  and  player  to 
exercise  their  wit  upon,  for  the  diversion  of  the  com- 
pany. Mr.  Ranter  began  the  game,  by  asking  him 
what  was  good  for  a  hoarseness,  lowness  of  spirits, 
and  indigestion,  for  he  was  troubled  with  all  these 
complaints  to  a  very  great  degree?  Wagtail  im- 
mediately undertook  to  explain  the  nature  of  his 
case,  and  in  a  very  prolix  manner  harangued  upon 
prognostics,  diagnostics,  symptomatics,  therapeutics, 
inanition,  and  repletion ;  then  calculated  the  force  of 
the  stomach  and  lungs  in  their  respective  operations ; 
ascribed  the  player's  malady  to  a  disorder  in  these 
organs,  proceeding  from  hard  drinking  and  vocifera- 
[256] 


A    NIGHT    AT    A    TAVERN 

tion,  and  prescribed  a  course  of  stomachics,  with 
abstinence  from  venery,  wine,  loud  speaking,  laugh- 
ing, singing,  coughing,  sneezing,  or  hallooing.  "  Pah, 
pah,"  cried  Ranter,  interrupting  him,  "  the  remedy  is 
worse  than  the  disease.  I  wish  I  knew  where  to  find 
some  tinder- water."  "  Tinder- water  ! "  said  the  doc- 
tor ;  "  upon  my  word  I  don't  apprehend  you,  Mr. 
Ranter."  "Water  extracted  from  tinder,"  replied 
the  other,  "  an  universal  specific  for  all  distempers 
incident  to  man.  It  was  invented  by  a  learned 
German  monk,  who,  for  a  valuable  consideration, 
imparted  the  secret  to  Paracelsus."  "  Pardon  me," 
cried  the  painter,  "  it  was  first  used  by  Solomon,  as 
appears  by  a  Greek  manuscript  in  his  own  hand- 
writing, lately  found  at  the  foot  of  Mount  Lebanon, 
by  a  peasant  who  was  digging  for  potatoes."  "  Well," 
said  Wagtail,  "  in  all  my  vast  reading  I  never  met 
with  such  a  preparation  !  neither  did  I  know,  till 
this  minute,  that  Solomon  understood  Greek,  or  that 
potatoes  grew  in  Palestine."  Here  Banter  interposed, 
saying,  he  was  surprised  that  Doctor  Wagtail  should 
make  the  least  doubt  of  Solomon's  understanding 
Greek,  when  he  is  represented  to  us  as  the  wisest  and 
best  educated  prince  in  the  world ;  and  as  for  pota- 
toes, they  were  transplanted  thither  from  Ireland,  in 
the  time  of  the  Crusades,  by  some  knights  of  that 
country.  "  I  profess,"  said  the  doctor,  "  there  is 
nothing  more  likely  —  I  would  actually  give  a  vast 
sum  for  a  sight  of  that  manuscript,  which  must  be 
inestimable  —  and  if  I  understood  the  process,  would 
set  about  it  immediately." 

The   player  assured    him   the   process   was   very 
Toi.ii.-17  [257] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

simple  —  that  he  must  cram  a  hundredweight  of 
dry  tinder  into  a  glass  retort,  and  distilling  it  by  the 
force  of  animal  heat,  it  would  yield  half  a  scruple 
of  insipid  water,  one  drop  of  which  is  a  full  dose. 
"  Upon  my  integrity  !  "  exclaimed  the  credulous  doc- 
tor, "  this  is  very  amazing  !  and  extraordinary  !  that 
a  caput  mortuum  shall  yield  any  water  at  all  —  I 
must  own  I  have  always  been  an  enemy  to  specifics, 
which  I  thought  inconsistent  with  the  nature  of  the 
animal  economy;  but  certainly  the  authority  of 
Solomon  is  not  to  be  questioned.  I  wonder  where 
I  shall  find  a  glass  retort  large  enough  to  contain 
such  a  vast  quantity  of  tinder,  the  consumption  of 
which  must  undoubtedly  raise  the  price  of  paper  — 
or  where  I  shall  find  animal  heat  sufficient  even  to 
warm  such  a  mass.""  Slyboot  informed  him,  that  he 
might  have  a  retort  blown  for  him  as  big  as  a 
church ;  and  that  the  easiest  method  of  raising  the 
vapour  by  animal  heat,  would  be  to  place  it  in 
the  middle  of  an  infirmary  for  feverish  patients,  who 
might  lie  upon  mattresses  around,  and  in  contact 
with  it.  He  had  no  sooner  pronounced  these  words, 
than  Wagtail  exclaimed,  in  a  rapture,  "  An  admira- 
ble expedient,  as  I  hope  to  be  saved !  I  will  posi- 
tively put  it  in  practice."  This  simplicity  of  the 
physician  furnished  excellent  diversion  for  the  com- 
pany,  who,  in  their  turns,  sneered  at  him  in  ironical 
compliments,  which  his  vanity  swallowed  as  the 
genuine  sentiments  of  their  hearts.  Mr.  Chatter, 
impatient  of  so  long  a  silence,  now  broke  out,  and 
entertained  us  with  a  catalogue  of  all  the  people 
who  danced  at  the  last  Hampstead  assembly,  with  a 
[258] 


BANTERING    A    PHYSICIAN 

most  circumstantial  account  of  the  dress  and  orna- 
ments of  each,  from  the  lappets  of  the  ladies  to  the 
shoe-buckles  of  the  men;  concluding  with  telling 
Bragwell,  that  his  mistress  Melinda  was  there,  and 
seemed  to  miss  him ;  and  soliciting  his  company  at 
the  next  occasion  of  that  kind.  "  No,  no,  d — me," 
said  Bragwell,  "  I  have  something  else  to  mind  than 
dangling  after  a  parcel  of  giddy-headed  girls ;  besides, 
you  know  my  temper  is  so  unruly,  that  I  am  apt  to 
involve  myself  in  scrapes,  when  a  woman  is  con- 
cerned. The  last  time  I  was  there  I  had  an  affair 
with  Tom  Trippet."  "  O  !  I  remember  that,"  cried 
Banter ;  "  you  lugged  out  before  the  ladies ;  and  I 
commend  you  for  so  doing,  because  you  had  an 
opportunity  of  showing  your  manhood  without  run- 
ning any  risk."  "  Risk ! "  said  the  other,  with  a 
fierce  countenance ;  "  d — n  my  blood !  I  fear  no 
risks.  I  ain't  afraid  of  lugging  out  against  any 
man  that  wears  a  head,  d — me !  't  is  well  known 
I  have  drawn  blood  more  than  once,  and  lost  some 
too ;  but  what  does  that  signify  ? "  The  player 
begged  this  champion  to  employ  him  as  his  second 
the  next  time  he  intended  to  kill,  for  he  wanted  to 
see  a  man  die  of  a  stab,  that  he  might  know  how 
to  act  such  a  part  the  more  naturally  on  the  stage. 
"  Die  ! "  replied  the  hero ;  "  no,  by  G — d  !  I  know 
better  things  than  to  incur  the  verdict  of  a  Middle- 
sex jury  —  I  should  look  upon  my  fencing-master  to 
be  an  ignorant  son  of  a  b — h,  if  he  had  not  taught 
me  to  prick  any  part  of  my  antagonist's  body  that  I 
please  to  disable."  "  Oho  ! "  cried  Slyboot,  "  if  that 
be  the  case,  I  have  a  favour  to  ask.  You  must  know 
[259] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

I  am  employed  to  paint  a  Jesus  on  the  cross ;  and 
my  purpose  is  to  represent  him  at  that  point  of  time 
when  the  spear  is  thrust  into  his  side.  Now,  I  should 
be  glad  if  you  would,  in  my  presence,  pink  some 
impertinent  fellow  into  convulsions,  without  endan- 
gering his  life,  that  I  may  have  an  opportunity  of 
taking  a  good  clever  agony  from  nature.  The  doctor 
will  direct  you  where  to  enter,  and  how  far  to  go ; 
but  pray  let  it  be  as  near  the  left  side  as  possible.'1 
Wagtail,  who  took  this  proposal  seriously,  observed, 
that  it  would  be  a  very  difficult  matter  to  penetrate 
into  the  left  side  of  the  thorax,  without  hurting  the 
heart,  and  of  consequence  killing  the  patient ;  but 
he  believed  it  was  possible  for  a  man  of  a  very  nice 
hand,  and  exact  knowledge  of  anatomy,  to  wound 
the  diaphragma  somewhere  about  the  skirts,  which 
might  induce  a  singultus,  without  being  attended 
with  death ;  that  he  was  ready  to  demonstrate  the 
insertion  of  that  muscle  to  Mr.  Bragwell ;  but  desired 
to  have  no  concern  with  the  experiment,  which  might 
essentially  prejudice  his  reputation,  in  case  of  mis- 
carriage. Bragwell  was  as  much  imposed  upon  by 
the  painter's  waggery  as  the  doctor,  and  declined 
engaging  in  the  affair,  saying,  he  had  a  very  great 
regard  for  Mr.  Slyboot,  but  had  laid  it  down  as  a 
maxim,  never  to  fight  except  when  his  honour  was 
engaged.  A  thousand  jokes  of  this  kind  were 
uttered ;  the  wine  circulated ;  supper  was  served  in ; 
we  ate  heartily;  returned  to  the  bottle;  Bragwell 
became  noisy  and  troublesome ;  Banter  grew  more 
and  more  severe;  Ranter  rehearsed;  Slyboot  made 
faces  at  the  whole  company ;  I  sung  French  catches, 
'  [  260  ] 


A    DISTRESSED    DAMSEL 

and  Chatter  kissed  me  with  great  affection ;  while 
the  doctor,  with  a  woeful  countenance,  sat  silent, 
like  a  disciple  of  Pythagoras.  At  length  it  was 
proposed  by  Bragwell,  that  we  should  scour  the 
hundreds,  sweat  the  constable,  maul  the  watch, 
and  then  reel  soberly  to  bed. 

While  we  deliberated  on  this  expedition,  the  waiter 
came  into  the  room,  and  asked  for  Doctor  Wagtail ; 
when  he  understood  he  was  present,  he  told  him  there 
was  a  lady  below  to  inquire  for  him  ;  at  which  mes- 
sage the  physician  started  from  his  melancholy  con- 
templation, and,  with  a  look  of  extreme  confusion, 
assured  the  company,  he  could  not  possibly  be  the 
person  wanted,  for  he  had  no  connexion  with  any 
lady  whatever,  and  bade  the  drawer  tell  her  so.  "  For 
shame !  "  cried  Banter,  "  would  you  be  so  impolite  as 
to  refuse  a  lady  the  hearing  ?  perhaps  she  comes  for 
a  consultation.  It  must  be  some  extraordinary  affair 
that  brings  a  lady  to  a  tavern  at  this  time  o'  night. 
Mr.  Ranter,  pray  do  the  doctor's  baisemains  to  the 
lady,  and  squire  her  hither."  The  player  immedi- 
ately staggered  out,  and  returned,  leading  in,  with 
much  ceremony,  a  tall  strapping  wench,  whose  ap- 
pearance proclaimed  her  occupation.  We  received 
her  with  the  utmost  solemnity,  and  with  a  good  deal 
of  entreaty  she  was  persuaded  to  sit,  when  a  profound 
silence  ensued,  during  which  she  fixed  her  eyes,  with  a 
disconsolate  look,  on  the  doctor,  who  was  utterly  con- 
founded at  her  behaviour, and  returned  her  melancholy 
fourfold.  At  length,  after  a  good  many  piteous  sighs, 
she  wiped  her  eyes,  and  accosted  him  thus  :  "  What ! 
not  one  word  of  comfort  ?  Will  nothing  soften  that 
[261] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

stony  heart  of  thine  ?  Not  all  my  tears  !  not  all  my 
affliction  !  not  the  inevitable  ruin  thou  hast  brought 
upon  me !  Where  are  thy  vows,  thou  faithless  per- 
jured man  ?  Hast  thou  no  honour  —  no  conscience 
—  no  remorse  for  thy  perfidious  conduct  towards  me? 
• — Answer  me,  wilt  thou  at  last  do  me  justice,  or  must 
I  have  recourse  to  heaven  or  hell  for  my  revenge  ?  " 
If  poor  Wagtail  was  amazed  before  she  spoke,  what 
must  his  confusion  be  on  hearing  this  address  !  His 
natural  paleness  changed  into  a  ghastly  clay  colour, 
his  eyes  rolled,  his  lips  trembled,  and  he  answered,  in 
an  accent  not  to  be  described,  "  Upon  my  word, 
honour,  and  salvation  !  madam,  you  are  actually  mis- 
taken in  my  person.  I  have  a  most  particular  vener- 
ation for  your  sex,  and  am  actually  incapable  of 
injuring  any  lady  in  the  smallest  degree,  madam  ;  — 
besides,  madam,  to  the  best  of  my  recollection,  I 
never  had  the  honour  of  seeing  you  before,  as  I 
hope  to  be  saved,  madam  !  "  "  How,  traitor  ! "  cried 
she,  "  dost  thou  disown  me  then  ?  —  Mistaken  !  no, 
too  well  I  know  that  fair  bewitching  face ;  too  well 
I  know  that  false  enchanting  tongue  !  — Alas  !  gentle- 
men, since  the  villain  compels  me,  by  his  unkindness, 
to  expose  myself  and  him,  know  that  this  betrayer, 
under  the  specious  pretence  of  honourable  addresses, 
won  my  heart,  and,  taking  advantage  of  his  conquest, 
robbed  me  of  my  virgin  treasure,  and  afterwards 
abandoned  me  to  my  fate !  I  am  now  four  months 
gone  with  child  by  him,  turned  out  of  doors  by  my 
relations,  and  left  a  prey  to  misery  and  want !  Yes, 
thou  barbarian,"  said  she,  turning  to  Wagtail,  "  thou 
tiger,  thou  succubus  !  too  well  thou  knowest  my  situ- 
[2621 


WAGTAIL'S    REMONSTRANCE 

ation  —  but  I  will  tear  out  thy  faithless  heart,  and 
deliver  the  world  from  such  a  monster." 

So  saying,  she  sprung  forward  at  the  doctor,  who 
with  incredible  agility  jumped  over  the  table,  and  ran 
behind  Bragwell,  while  the  rest  of  us  endeavoured  to 
appease  the  furious  heroine.  Although  everybody  in 
the  company  affected  the  utmost  surprise,  I  could 
easily  perceive  it  was  a  scheme  concerted  among  them 
to  produce  diversion  at  the  doctor's  expense;  and 
being  under  no  concern  about  the  consequence,  I  en- 
tered into  the  confederacy,  and  enjoyed  the  distress 
of  Wagtail,  who,  with  tears  in  his  eyes,  begged  the 
protection  of  the  company,  declaring  himself  as  inno- 
cent of  the  crime  laid  to  his  charge,  as  the  foetus  in 
utero ;  and  hinting,  at  the  same  time,  that  nature  had 
not  put  it  into  his  power  to  be  guilty  of  such  a  tres- 
pass. "Nature!"  cried  the  lady;  "there  was  no 
nature  in  the  case  —  he  abused  me  by  the  help  of 
charms  and  spells  ;  or  else  how  is  it  possible  that  any 
woman  could  have  listened  to  the  addresses  of  such  a 
scarecrow  ?  Were  these  owlish  eyes  made  for  ogling ; 
that  carrion  complexion  to  be  admired;  or  that  mouth 
like  a  horse-shoe  to  be  kissed?  No,  no,  you  owe 
your  success  to  your  philtres,  to  your  drugs  and  in- 
cantations ;  and  not  to  your  natural  talents,  which  are 
in  every  respect  mean  and  contemptible."  The  doctor 
now  thought  he  had  got  an  opportunity  of  vindicating 
himself  effectually ;  and  desired  the  complainant  to 
compose  herself  but  for  half  an  hour,  in  which  he 
undertook  to  prove  the  absurdity  of  believing  in  the 
power  of  incantations,  which  were  only  idle  dreams 
of  ignorance  and  superstition.  He  accordingly  pro- 
[263] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

nounced  a  very  learned  discourse  upon  the  nature  of 
ideas,  the  power  and  independence  of  the  mind,  the 
properties  of  stimulating  medicines,  the  difference 
between  a  proneness  to  venery,  which  many  simples 
would  create,  and  a  passion  limited  to  one  object, 
which  can  only  be  the  result]  of  sense  and  reflection  ; 
and  concluded  with  a  pathetic  remonstrance,  setting 
forth  his  unhappiness  in  being  persecuted  with  the 
resentment  of  a  lady  whom  he  had  never  injured, 
nor  even  seen  before  that  occasion,  and  whose  facul- 
ties were,  in  all  likelihood,  so  much  impaired  by  her 
misfortunes,  that  an  innocent  person  was  in  danger 
of  being  ruined  by  her  disorder.  He  had  no  sooner 
finished  his  harangue,  than  the  forlorn  princess  re- 
newed her  lamentations,  and  cautioned  the  company 
against  his  eloquence,  which,  she  said,  was  able  to  bias 
the  most  impartial  bench  in  Christendom.  Banter 
advised  him  to  espouse  her  immediately,  as  the  only 
means  to  salve  his  reputation,  and  offered  to  accom- 
pany him  to  the  Fleet  for  that  purpose ;  but  Slyboot 
proposed  that  a  father  should  be  purchased  for  the 
child,  and  a  comfortable  alimony  settled  on  the 
mother.  Ranter  promised  to  adopt  the  infant  gratis. 
Wagtail  was  ready  to  worship  him  for  his  generosity; 
and,  though  he  persisted  in  protesting  his  innocence, 
condescended  to  everything,  rather  than  his  unblem- 
ished character  should  be  called  in  question.  The 
lady  rejected  the  proposal,  and  insisted  on  matrimony. 
Bragwell  took  up  the  cudgels  for  the  doctor,  and 
undertook  to  rid  him  of  her  importunity  for  half  a 
guinea ;  upon  which  Wagtail,  with  great  eagerness, 
pulled  out  his  purse,  and  put  it  into  the  hand  of  his 
[264] 


A    QUARREL    FOMENTED 

friend,  who,  taking  half  a  piece  out  of  it,  gave  it  to 
the  plaintiff,  and  bade  her  thank  God  for  her  good 
fortune.  When  she  had  received  this  bounty,  she 
affected  to  weep,  and  begged,  since  the  physician  had 
renounced  her,  he  would  at  least  vouchsafe  her  a  part- 
ing kiss.  This  he  was  prevailed  upon  to  grant,  with 
great  reluctance,  and  went  up  with  his  usual  solemnity 
to  salute  her ;  when  she  laid  hold  of  his  cheek  with 
her  teeth,  and  held  fast,  while  he  roared  with  anguish, 
to  the  unspeakable  diversion  of  all  present.  When 
she  thought  proper  to  release  him,  she  dropped  a  low 
curtsey  to  the  company,  and  quitted  the  room,  leav- 
ing the  doctor  in  the  utmost  horror,  not  so  much  on 
account  of  the  pain,  as  the  apprehension  of  the  con- 
sequence of  the  bite ;  for  by  this  time  he  was  con- 
vinced of  her  being  mad.  Banter  prescribed  the 
actual  cautery,  and  put  the  poker  in  the  fire  to  be 
heated,  in  order  to  sear  the  place.  The  player  was 
of  opinion  that  Bragwell  should  scoop  out  the  part 
affected  with  the  point  of  his  sword ;  but  the  painter 
prevented  both  these  dreadful  operations,  by  recom- 
mending a  balsam  he  had  in  his  pocket,  which  never 
failed  to  cure  the  bite  of  a  mad  dog.  So  saying,  he 
pulled  out  a  small  bladder  of  black  paint ;  with  which 
he  instantly  anointed  not  only  the  sore,  but  the 
greatest  part  of  the  patient's  face,  and  left  it  in  a 
frightful  condition.  In  short,  the  poor  creature  was 
so  harassed  with  fear  and  vexation,  that  I  pitied  him 
extremely,  and  sent  him  home  in  a  chair,  contrary  to 
the  inclination  of  everybody  present. 

This  freedom  of  mine  gave  umbrage  to  Bragwell, 
who  testified   his   displeasure,   by   swearing  a  few 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

threats,  without  making  any  application;  which 
being  perceived  by  Slyboot,  who  sat  by  me,  he, 
with  a  view  of  promoting  a  quarrel,  whispered  to 
me,  that  he  thought  Bragwell  used  me  very  ill ;  but 
every  man  was  the  best  judge  of  his  own  affairs.  I 
answered  aloud,  that  I  would  neither  suffer  Mr. 
Bragwell  nor  him  to  use  me  ill  with  impunity,  and 
that  I  stood  in  no  need  of  his  counsel,  in  regard  to 
the  regulation  of  my  conduct.  He  thought  proper 
to  ask  a  thousand  pardons,  and  assured  me  he  meant 
no  offence;  while  Bragwell  feigned  himself  asleep, 
that  he  might  not  be  obliged  to  take  notice  of 
what  passed.  But  the  player,  who  had  more  animal 
spirits  and  less  discretion  than  Slyboot,  unwilling  to 
let  the  affair  rest  where  he  had  dropped  it,  jogged 
Mr.  Bragwell,  and  told  him  softly,  that  I  called  him 
names  and  threatened  to  cudgel  him.  This  particular 
I  understood  by  his  starting,  and  crying,  "  Blood  and 
wounds !  you  lie !  No  man  durst  treat  me  so  igno- 
miniously  —  Mr.  Random,  did  you  call  me  names, 
and  threaten  to  drub  me  ? "  I  denied  the  imputa- 
tion, and  proposed  to  punish  the  scoundrel,  who 
endeavoured  to  foment  disturbance  in  the  company. 
Bragwell  signified  his  approbation,  and  drew  his 
sword ;  I  did  the  same,  and  accosted  the  actor  in 
these  words  :  "  Lookee,  Mr.  Ranter,  I  know  you  pos- 
sess all  the  mimicry  and  mischievous  qualities  of  an 
ape,  because  I  have  observed  you  put  them  all  in 
practice  more  than  once  to-night,  on  me  and  others ; 
now  I  want  to  see  if  you  resemble  one  in  nimbleness 
also ;  therefore  I  desire  you  to  leap  over  this  sword 
without  hesitation.11  So  saying,  I  held  it  parallel 
[266] 


THE    COMPANY   SEPARATE 

to  the  horizon,  at  the  distance  of  about  three  feet 
from  the  floor,  and  called,  "  Once  —  twice  —  thrice, 
and  away  ; "  but,  instead  of  complying  with  my  com- 
mand, he  snatched  his  hat  and  hanger,  and  assuming 
the  looks,  swagger,  and  phrase  of  Pistol,  burst  out 
into  the  following  exclamation  :  "  Ha !  must  I  then 
perform  inglorious  prank,  of  sylvan  ape  in  moun- 
tain forest  caught !  Death  rock  me  asleep,  abridge 
my  doleful  days,  and  lay  my  head  in  Fury's  lap ! 
Have  we  not  Hiren  here  ?  "  This  buffoonery  did  not 
answer  his  expectation,  for  by  this  time  the  company 
was  bent  on  seeing  him  in  a  new  character.  Mr. 
Banter  desired  me  to  hold  my  sword  a  foot  or  two 
higher,  that  he  might  have  the  better  opportunity 
of  exerting  himself.  The  painter  told  him,  if  he  per- 
formed well,  he  would  recommend  him  as  a  vaulter 
to  the  proprietors  of  Sadler's  Wells ;  and  Bragwell, 
crying  "  Leap  for  the  king,"  applied  the  point  of  his 
sword  to  the  player's  posteriors  with  such  success, 
that  he  sprung  over  in  a  trice,  and,  finding  the  door 
unguarded,  vanished  in  a  twinkling ;  glad,  no  doubt, 
of  having  paid  his  share  of  the  reckoning  so  easily. 

It  being  now  near  two  o'clock  in  the  morning,  we 
discharged  the  bill,  and  sallied  out  into  the  street. 
The  painter  slunk  away  without  taking  his  leave. 
Billy  Chatter,  being  unable  to  speak  or  stand,  was 
sent  to  a  bagnio;  and  Banter  and  I  accompanied 
Bragwell  to  Moll  King's  coffeehouse,  where,  after  he 
had  kicked  half  a  dozen  hungry  whores,  we  left  him 
asleep  on  a  bench,  and  directed  our  course  towards 
Charing  Cross,  near  which  place  both  he  and  I 
lodged. 

[267] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

The  natural  dryness  of  my  companion  being  over- 
come by  liquor,  he  honoured  me  by  the  way  with 
many  compliments  and  professions  of  friendship,  for 
which  I  made  suitable  acknowledgments,  and  told 
him  I  thought  myself  happy  in  having,  by  my 
behaviour,  removed  the  unfavourable  opinion  he 
entertained  of  me  at  first  sight.  He  was  surprised 
at  this  declaration,  and  begged  me  to  explain 
myself:  upon  which  I  mentioned  what  I  had  over- 
heard him  say  of  me  to  Wagtail  in  the  coffeehouse. 
He  laughed,  and  made  an  apology  for  his  freedom, 
assuring  me,  that  my  appearance  had  very  much 
prepossessed  him  in  my  favour;  and  what  he  said 
was  only  intended  as  a  joke  on  the  doctors  solem- 
nity. I  was  highly  pleased  at  being  undeceived  in 
this  particular,  and  not  a  little  proud  of  the  good 
opinion  of  this  wit,  who  shook  me  by  the  hand  at 
parting,  and  promised  to  meet  me  next  day  at  the 
ordinary. 


END  OF  VOL.  H. 


[268] 


•r  "V 


